August McLaughlin's Blog, page 61

Self-Love, Recovery and a Thriller Freebie!

Embracing our physical selves can be one of life’s toughest feats. My personal battle with low body image started at age 5 and lasted into my late 20s, and in my years of eating disorder recovery and the thriving that’s followed, I’ve encountered hundreds, perhaps thousands, of women whose battles run deeper and longer. It’s not fair or right that so many of us loathe ourselves, or that we’re taught to place our personal self-worth on factors as trivial as dress size, facial features or weight. But all of that’s too easy in today’s world.

If there’s one thing that my personal journey has taught me, it’s that the cliche holds true: True beauty really does radiate from within. When we strive to fulfill our hearts’ and souls’ desires rather than expectations set by diet trends, the media or the entertainment industry, we feel and appear more beautiful in EVERY way. LIFE becomes beautiful, and so does our place in it. 

Anyone who’s overcome eating disorder will attest that coming to terms with this is the most difficult and important work one can ever do. Those who’ve found their way through darkness to the sunshine called full, forever recovery (I consider myself recovered) also know a special kind of glory that can be all of ours.

In honor of the beautiful folks who are grappling with eating disorders or related issues (disordered eating, depression, anxiety…), I’m running a freebie promotion of my novel, In Her Shadow, today through Saturday. Since my last freebie promotion boosted sales afterward significantly, I’ve decided to donate 10 percent of my profits for the month following to the National Eating Disorders Association. I’m so excited to support this wonderful organization.

In case you’re unfamiliar, here’s a glimpse at my novel’s story:

One woman locked in a basement, nearing death and longing for escape. Another baffled by the inexplicable symptoms wreaking havoc on her life. Both are lost and alone, yet somehow connected. And time is running out…

Near the tenth anniversary of her parents’ unexpected death, Claire Fiksen, a lovely young Harvard-grad and gifted psychologist in Minnesota, develops bizarre symptoms of an eating disorder that threaten her fledgling career, her relationship with a handsome young medical student, her grasp on reality and, soon, her life.

When her beloved grandfather reveals that there may be more to her parents’ death than she’s realized, Claire’s pursuit of healing becomes a desperate search for answers as she delves into her family’s sordid past. Meanwhile, someone is watching her every move, plotting to draw her into her own twisted web of misery.

Claire has something he needs, and he’ll stop at nothing to obtain it. Every step Claire takes brings her closer to the truth and danger. And her life, she discovers, isn’t the only one at stake.

 “As McLaughlin, a certified nutritionist and health writer, slowly reveals the mysteries behind Claire’s illness, as well as long-hidden truths and snippets of memories, the novel’s darkness gathers like storm clouds. An engaging story with an inventive structure and an intriguing focus on body-image issues.” — Kirkus Reviews

To nab your free e-copy, visit IN HER SHADOW on Amazon.com today through Saturday, August 10th at midnight.

*****

SPECIAL EVENT! I’d also like to invite you all to a virtual party taking place on Facebook tonight from 6 – 8:30pm PST. I’ll be sharing an abbreviated live recording of my story, “Does Dirt Have Calories?,” sharing highlights from my recovery, taking and posing questions and keeping the virtual empowering drinks flowing! I hope you’ll stop by and join the fun.

For details, to RSVP and to join in once the party has started, visit BEYOND THE SHADOWS: A SELF-DISCOVERY/RECOVERY PARTY!

Thanks, all, for your ongoing support and overall awesomeness! You’re total bright spots in my day. ♥

Female Ejaculation FAQ: The Beauty of #GirlBoner Gushing

“Speechless, we made love. In mist and clouds.” - Lan Ling

And sometimes in….puddles?

Good! ‘Cuz puddles are fun to play in.

Tell me if this scenario seems familiar:

You’re in the midst of passion-infused nakedness with your partner when your sheets suddenly transform into the Great Sea. You hear a gasp.

“You peed on me!” says your partner, snapping from hot to accusatory.

You bolt upright, your entire body blushing as you realize, or at least think, that he’s right. (“Damn it! Why’d I have to drink so much tea?”) The mood shifts from “Come on, baby!” to “I wanna run and hide!” as you rush off to do the laundry—feeling about as sexy as the dryer sheets.

True story. And not uncommon.

If you can relate, I hope your experiences with female ejaculation have been slightly more romantic.  My boyfriend at the time seemed somewhat tickled by it after the fact, but even he—a physician—had it wrong. I hadn’t peed; I’d ejaculated!

Last week, a fabulous reader brought light to this topic, sharing that his wife had had a similar experience. Fortunately for her and for me, recurrences have been much more satisfying.

Like Iguazu Falls and solar eclipses, female ejaculation has been teeming with wonder and controversy for years. As recently as the 1980s, doctors mistook female ejaculation for poor bladder control and recommended pelvic muscle exercises as treatment. We now know that “squirting” during sex is a very real and natural thing for many women.

FAQ About Female Ejaculation

What is it?

Female ejaculation is the release of fluid from the vulva or vagina, usually at the moment of orgasm. It’s also known as she-jaculation, gushing and squirting. And the ejaculate doesn’t typically spill out, but, well—GUSH. It can involve a lot of fluid or a little, which is usually clear or milky white and nearly odorless. I haven’t tasted it, but it apparently has a slightly sweet flavor.

What’s the “gush” made of?

Researchers believe that female cum is produced by the Skene’s glands, according to Columbia University Health Center, which are located near the urethra and are similar to the male prostate gland. Female ejaculate is rich in a chemical called prostatic acid phosphatase, which semen also contains.

Why the controversy?

A few reasons. Pornography writers (the majority of whom are male) tend to suggest that all women ejaculate voraciously with orgasm—not accurate. Only about 6 percent of women reportedly routinely ejaculate—although I’m guessing that’s extremely lowball, since many women shy away from discussing it. A study conducted by Masters and Johnson involving 400 women having sex or masturbating showed no instances of ejaculation. But it’s difficult to study, because most women don’t ejaculate every darn time or, necessarily, often. (And heck. Orgasming in a lab may sound fun, but I imagine the setup influences the results.) Lastly, if you believe that female ejaculation involves Niagara Falls-type action yet your ejaculate is more of a trickle or baby spill, you probably won’t realize that you’ve done so.

How much fluid releases?

The amount of fluid a woman ejaculates varies, and little research has been conducted on the process. None of the existing studies seem to have involved measuring cups. A typical amount is about a half coffee-cup full, estimates Beverley Whipple, sexuality expert and co-author of the G-Spot Book. Some women truly drench the sheets, however—that’s one BIG coffee cup!

Does it matter?

Ejaculating doesn’t make us any more or less sexy or sexual, but it can tinker our with sex drive if we feel ashamed. I think it’s important to understand our Girl Boner-icity—what makes our bodies tick, what doesn’t and how they generally function. If we do ejaculate, it’s important to recognize that it’s perfectly natural and nothing to feel embarrassed about. Because it occurs with arousal and climax, we can embrace female ejaculation as one of many reflections of our precious sensuality. Our partners can cherish it for the same reason.

How do I know if I’ve done it?

If after sex, you’re lying in a puddle that doesn’t smell pee-like and you can still urinate, you likely have. Some women do release a bit of urine during sex, especially those who’ve had children and also tend to pee a bit when they cough, sneeze or laugh. That’s not abnormal or “bad” either. I say we should embrace all of our bodily functions and fluids. (A little pee spill never hurt anyone!) If your symptoms are bothersome or severe, of course, you’ll want to see your doctor.

Nothing like starting a week gushing about gushing, right? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Ladies, have you ejaculated? Guys, has your partner? Any other topics you’re dying to learn more about? My Girl Boner ears are wide open!

On a related note, I’m hosting a virtual body image/self-acceptance party on Facebook on Thursday night. Care to join us??? If so, you can learn more and RSVP here: Beyond The Shadows: A Self-Discovery/Recovery Party! Hope to see you there!

Mike Sirota on Writing, Indie Publishing and His New Release!

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” — Gloria Steinem

For Mike Sirota and his readers, that’s a very good thing.

Mike is one of my favorite people, and not merely because he edited In Her Shadow and was wearing a Beatles shirt when I met him (although obviously—perks!). He’s as kind as his tales are terrifying and seems to enjoy writing and helping fellow writers equally—both of which say a lot.

I’m reading his brand new release, Freedom’s Hand, now and have to say—it’s AWESOME. If you enjoy character-driven, suspenseful, heart-wrenching stories (and who doesn’t?!?), I highly recommend that you zip over to Amazon and nab a copy. Read on for more of the ins and outs of his wonderful story and why it came into fruition.

FREEDOM’S HAND, by Mike Sirota

As a teenager, Nathan Adler barely survived the horrors of the Auschwitz death camp at the hands of the Nazis. Fifty years later he could not have imagined that he would live the nightmare again. This time, however, the concentration camp is not in Poland. Erected by Freedom’s Hand, it exists as a citadel of suffering and death—in the desert of the American Southwest.

Mike Sirota on Writing, Indie Publishing and His Latest Release

AM: You set this story aside for quite some time before moving forward with publishing. Why now?

MS: Actually, I’ve made a few half-hearted attempts at marketing Freedom’s Hand in its nearly three decades of existence. Let me go back to its beginnings to say that, initially, I never planned on completing the manuscript until a publisher had made an offer. My then-agent convinced me that Simon & Schuster would take it on, but I needed to finish it. So I did—and they didn’t. Too controversial, or something like that. Imagine that—ME controversial! Afterward, I just left it “in the drawer” and went on to the more fun things that I enjoyed writing—until my long estrangement from the writing game.

But last year I pulled it out of the drawer and re-read it, as I did with a few other unpublished projects. Aside from some easily reparable crappy writing, I found it a powerful story, and I recalled how much emotion I’d put into it so long ago. I also realized, sadly, that it remained relevant even today. Hatred and intolerance always seem to be in vogue. People are tortured and killed by the hundreds, the thousands, and more in the name of twisted ideologies. For me, this makes Freedom’s Hand somewhat of a statement.

AM: Amen to that. Any advice for writers who are grappling with similar issues—wondering when to set a story aside versus self-publish it or seek representation?

MS: I don’t think that my experience with Freedom’s Hand and what you’re asking is an “apples-and-apples” thing. If I were a new writer and had a finished manuscript, I would want to see it published as soon as possible. But in my experience, most novices cannot be objective enough to judge if their project is ready, or as I call it—professional grade. They’ll need at least one other set of eyes for that, and I don’t mean their spouse or sister-in-law. A professional evaluation by a writing coach or editor will help that writer determine if the project is READY. While that could be costly, it will definitely speed up the process.

AM: As you know, I LOVE thrillers that address social issues. Yours does so beautifully. Why are its central issues so important to you? What compelled you to write about them? 

MS: My parents were Eastern European Jews who immigrated here in the early twentieth century. I was raised in a predominantly Jewish, lower middle class neighborhood in The Bronx, post-WWII. Many of our neighbors were Holocaust survivors, though I didn’t know this, or understand why they had numbers on their arms, for a long time, because no one would talk about it. When I finally did learn about it—and discovered that some of our own family members had perished in the camps—I was enraged. That anger stayed with me for a long time and proved the catalyst for Freedom’s Hand. (Readers might be interested in a story that I wrote about my childhood experience, titled, The Number People.)

AM: That’s horribly sad, and one reason I think stories like Freedom’s Hand are so important. You’re skilled at making the reader empathize with and fight for the protagonists, in Freedom’s Hand included. How do you approach character development? 

MS: My characters are reflective of most human beings: flawed. We’re just ordinary folks trying to get by in a challenging world, hoping to love and be loved. But sometimes, ordinary people are thrust into extraordinary situations—especially in fiction—and it is how they handle these necessary changes that, I believe, appeals to readers. In Freedom’s Hand we have David Lowe, a nerdy schoolteacher from suburban Chicago, suddenly pitted against a host of murdering, racist thugs in order to save his family. In Demon Shadows, successful novelist Paul Fleming has writer’s block because he misses his kids after a contentious divorce. This doesn’t exactly prepare him for the horrors he will soon encounter at an isolated writers’ colony, but somehow he’ll need to rise to the occasion. Bottom line: readers understand my characters because they see some of themselves in them, and they’ll be rooting for them to overcome whatever challenges I choose to throw in their path.

AM: You can have dinner anywhere in the world with any two authors—living or dead (but rejuvenated!). Who would you choose? What and where would you dine?

MS: The first one, easy: Edgar Rice Burroughs. He is my all-time favorite writer, and my muse. Without him I would never have begun writing. I can think of so many for a second choice, but let’s go with Mark Twain. I think that would be a hoot! His quotes are priceless and often make my day. I would invite them for seafood at one of my two favorite places: the Fish Market in Del Mar or Monterey Bay Canners on Oceanside Harbor.

AM: Awesome! I’m coming. Seems as though you’ve been published by just about everyone over the years. What do you love most about being an indie author?

MS: Being in control of everything regarding your books. Not having to rely on the whims of a publisher to promote—or not promote—you, or not even matching your own efforts for the small percentage you’ll earn in royalties. Yes, it can be great to have a BNYP (Big New York Publisher), and once in a while even a newbie can become a mega-author.

But so much of that potential success may rely on things over which a writer has no control. Let me share one of my own BNYP stories. I landed Bantam Books for my novel, Demon Shadows, and thought I was on my way. I had a champion there, an executive editor who loved my work. She contracted me for a second book, The Well. Demon Shadows started out fine, about 25,000 copies sold per the initial royalty statement. The Well was about to be published. Then, my editor left Bantam. Losing your champion can be death to a writer. The Well was published but put Out of Print less than two months later. It never had a chance. I never received a royalty statement for it, or any other for Demon Shadows. And people wonder why I got out of the game back then?

AM: What’s next in the pipeline for you?

MS: A historical novel, a real labor of love that has spanned over three decades and is just about ready. It’s a Native American story—what else? Though fictionalized, it is a remarkable true story that deserves to be known by far more people that are presently aware of it. Enough said.

****

Thanks, Mike!  Now it’s y’all’s turn. Have any thoughts or questions to share with this fabulous writer? (He’s also a writing coach and has about 20 zillion additional titles out; he’s a mega resource!) Who would you invite to your author date besides me? What would we you eat? 

You can also connect with Mike Sirota on Facebook, Twitter (he just recently joined!) and his coolio blog, Swords, Specters, and Stuff. His latest post features more juicy bits about Freedom’s Hand! Good stuff.

FAQ About Clitoral Orgasms

Did you know that clitoral orgasms were once considered bad? I know! “Bad orgasm” seems like world’s biggest oxymoron to me…

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“I can’t believe you made me orgasm in the most pleasurable part of my body, Joe! HOW DARE YOU?!?”

It seems crazy, but at one point clitoral orgasms were largely considered “bad” and inferior to vaginal orgasms. Virginia Johnson, one of the individuals who helped debunk that myth, passed away last week. She was one of the first scientists to study sexuality in a time when few women were recognized as scientists, much less sexual revolutionaries. Her story will be featured along with that of her longtime partner, William Masters, in the Showtime series Masters of Sex this fall.

I had the opportunity to write about Johnson’s legacy on behalf of DAME Magazine, and thought I’d pay tribute to one her most significant findings here today—basically the notion that clitoral orgasms aren’t only natural and common, but potentially wondrous. (Wahoo!) To learn more about Johnson, you can read my article, The Contributions and Controversy of Sexual Science Pioneer, Virginia Johnson.

Clitoral Orgasm FAQ:

What are clitoral orgasms?

In short, a clitoral orgasm is a scrumptious pleasure explosion that happens when the clitoris, aka the “clit” or “pleasure button,” is sexually stimulated to the point of climax. It can happen with or without a penis, finger, sex toy or—er…other object?—inside the vagina.

Are they less awesome than vaginal orgasms?

Nope!

Back in 1905, Sigmund Freud told the world that a woman only fully orgasms when her vaginal insides are stimulated by a penis. (He didn’t base this theory on science, it’s important to note, but on his belief that women are inferior to men.) We’ve since learned differently, much thanks to Masters and Johnson.  Their research, considered groundbreaking in the 1960s, showed that all orgasms are created equal as far as physiological effects go, and that most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation—with or without anything or anyone entering her vagi-verse.

What about G-spot orgasms? Aren’t they way better?

Great question! But no. These bad girls take place inside the vagina and are considered the most powerful sensation-wise. But that doesn’t make them superior to other orgasm types. We get the same euphoria, release and intimacy benefits from all orgasms—and all types vary in intensity. Many women who have G-spot orgasms find that they are ultra-strong when the clit is also stimulated. (Some folks call this combo the blended orgasm.)

The tip of the clitoris looks like a small button, thus the nickname, but there’s a lot more than meets the eye. The clitoris is actually an organ system surrounding the vagina, urethra and anus. So rather than think of an orgasm as “vaginal” or “clitoral,” Columbia University Health Center recommends considering the feelings that come along with them. Orgasms are orgasms! (Just…say…YES!!!)

How can I experience clitoral orgasms?

So many ways! You or a partner can stimulate your clitoris by rubbing, applying pressure, sucking or using a sex toy, such as a dildo or vibrator. If your clit is highly sensitive, as we discussed here, rubbing might be too intense; it can even hurt. Aim instead for light pressure, working the intensity up gradually until it feels just right. One way to do this involves laying belly-down on your bed or straddling something, like a pillow or wide sofa armrest (carefully!), and rocking to and fro.

Your clit can also be stimulated by your partner’s pelvic bone during intercourse, while all kinds of other fun things are happening. It’s easiest for most women to reach clitoral climax if she’s on top, but other positions can work well with the right, you know, MOVES. Fingers, yours or your partner’s, can also pave the way to clitoral orgasm; simply touch or rub your clit during sexual play.

Any other tips?

Always! Often when people are wondering how to have particular types of orgasm or how to orgasm at all, underlying factors could use addressing. Remember, the brain is the biggest sex organ—so overall wellness and attitude play tremendous roles in sexual satisfaction.

If we desire fabulous sex lives, it’s best we take care of ourselves. In Girl Boner land, this means nurturing our bodies, inside and out. Eat a balanced diet, based on nutritious foods (but without risky diet-style restriction), and aim for sufficient nightly sleep. Pursue work and hobbies that fulfill you emotionally and steer clear of toxic people—anyone who doesn’t love or respect you for who you are.

Speaking of which, body image plays a tremendous role in our sexuality. If your sex life and ability to smile at your reflection seem lacking, make efforts to reduce negative self-talk and embrace your body as it is. We’re only blessed with one body; shunning or hating it doesn’t help anything. The benefits of body embracement, on the other hand, are endless.

If you find yourself criticizing yourself or worrying during sex, Columbia University suggests using your imagination, relaxing and concentrating on sensations—what feels, tastes and smells good—as useful ways to experience pleasure and orgasm. Fantasizing during sex can actually stimulate the brain area that sets orgasm off, so dream away!

And remember, orgasms, like many areas of sexuality, are highly individual. Experiment, communicate with your partner and do what helps you both feel most connected and alive. Experimenting on your own, also groovy!

More more clitoris fun, check out these sexy, savvy posts:

Kitt Crescendo: Project Cliteracy


Angela Tavares, via Go Deeper Press: Where Were You The First Time You Found Your Clitoris?
Bring Back Desire: Celebrating the Clitoris
Lana Fox, via Go Deeper Press: Freud’s Big Clitoral Snake
Yolanda Shoshana: Cheers to the Clit

Have you ever wondered about the difference between orgasm types? Did anything in this post surprise you? Any tips or questions to add to the mix? Think you’ll watch The Masters? I love hearing you, and welcome all respectful thoughts! ♥

#GirlBoner Growing Up: 5 Surprising Facts

At my recent gig in Brooklyn, I sang a song by K’s Choice called Breakfast. It tells a sweet story about a young brother and sister who find their parents entangled on the kitchen floor and think, “There must be an easier way to make breakfast!”

Funny, right? People tend to chuckle when they hear the tune, probably partly because it’s so darn relatable. We all misunderstand certain sex-related things early on. Most of us learn relatively little about sex overall until we’re—well, having it.

Pretty much sums up what I knew beforehand…

I don’t know about you, but I wish I’d known these sexy tidbits much earlier on:

1. A blowjob involves no blowing. Okay, maybe that didn’t surprise any of you. But when I first heard that a blowjob was something a woman did with her mouth to a man’s penis, I assumed it involved some sort of air expulsion. (Hello. Why don’t we call it a suck-job? A suck-gift? Suck-hobby? Hmm…) Unless there’s some technique I’m unaware of, no blowing is involved—for anyone who’s actually wondering.

2. Like guys, many pubescent girls orgasm in their sleep. This little known fact is one parents should consider discussing with their adolescent daughters, says sex and relationship expert, Laura Berman, PhD. Girls should know that nocturnal climaxing is normal if or when it happens, and that exploring related feelings through masturbation a natural, potentially wonderful thing.

3. Women have wet dreams, too. Even into adulthood, sexy dreams produce physiological reactions. While whether you’ve had a wet dream may seem like a no brainer, female hard-ons and ejaculates are a lot less obvious than men’s. So ladies, if you’ve ever woken from an erotic dream, there’s a reasonable chance that your pussy really purred during the night! If you haven’t already, take note next time. When you find yourself seemingly postcoital, why not turn your dream into reality? (Just a thought! Better than coffee, IMHO.)

4. Females really do get boners—and not merely in the overall sense we celebrate here. The clitoris—aka, the pleasure button—starts out identical to the penis at birth and contains erectile tissue. When we’re aroused, it fills with blood, swelling up, protruding and becoming even more sensitive to touch. (No wonder it feels so good.) Unlike the penis, clitoral erections linger for a while after orgasm.

5. Girls pressure guys to have sex, and guys don’t always want it. The stereotypes about guys always desiring sex and girls rarely wanting it run so rampant that many young males feel ashamed if they don’t want sex. Similarly, many girls who desire sex more so than their male counterparts feel that there’s something wrong with them. Each case is different, say many sexuality experts, and matters like individual maturity, education and self-esteem tend to play far bigger roles than gender when it comes to sexual desire. The same applies in adulthood. What’s important is that we forge relationships with our bodies, our sexuality and our partners by which we feel healthy and satisfied.

For more on the importance of discussing sexuality with kidlets, check out my latest post for the National Eating Disorders Association: 

(To read on, click the photo.)

I’d love to hear from you! What facts about sex surprised you? Any funny stories to share? Or questions you’re still wondering about? All respectful comments are welcome. ♥ For more GB chit chat, join me on Twitter (#GirlBoner) and the Girl Boner Facebook page.

What’s REALLY Thrilling About ThrillerFest: Fabulous Authors Weigh In!

“An artist cannot fail. It is a success to be one.” – Charles Horton Cooley

What do you get when you put a bunch of story lovers with dark imaginations together in one of the world’s most dazzling cities? Besides Sharknado. (Kidding. I have no idea what that is.) I’m sure some of you guessed right: ThrillerFest. “Thriller” may be intended to describe the book genre, but the biggest thrill of the annual conference is undoubtedly its people. I’ve honestly never encountered such a warm, supportive crew—and I’m not talking blood-curdling, criminal heat.

I first attended two years ago, namely for AgentFest. (Think speed-dating with agents.) I hadn’t read the “how to pitch” tips on the website or attended the pitching preparation panel. Sitting outside the agent-filled room, internal butterflies spasming, a fellow writer who’d done his due diligence voluntarily filled me in. I used a couple of his tips and ended up meeting my agent that day. Then last year, I met Lee Child for the first time. Thinking I would shake his hand and scurry off, letting him get onto whatever it is that super famous authors do, he shook my hand and said, “August McLaughlin. Now that’s an interesting name. What do you write?” (Huh?!?) We chatted for a bit, as though we were from the same planet! Whether a writing newbie, a volunteer or a librarian, bookseller or agent, ThrillerFest folks are truly that congenial.

I really should’ve offered him my smoothie.

Rather than share my own ThrillerFest experiences this year, I thought I’d give you a glimpse through the eyes of some of my favorite attendees. I’m so honored to share their thoughts, and hope you’ll not only read their words, but visit their websites. I suspect that you’ll be grateful you did.

*****

JOHN DIXON, Author of Phoenix Island (Simon & Schuster / Gallery, February 2014), inspiration for the upcoming CBS TV series Intelligence, starring Josh Holloway and Marg Helgenberger:

“This was my third and favorite ThrillerFest, partly because I came to it loaded with happy news—my first book deal and the stop-the-presses announcement that CBS TV ordered the show based on my debut novel—but mostly because of the people with whom I could share it: excellent friends, some old, some new, all of them smart and charming and practically glowing with good energy. That’s the magical thing about ThrillerFest; everyone, from bestsellers to aspiring authors, comes together in the spirit of celebration and support. I’m already looking forward to next July!”

Twitter:  @johndixonbooks

Facebook: John Dixon

Todd Gerber, John Dixon, Kyle Steele and Peter Aragno

JON McGORAN, Author of Drift

“I didn’t get to many panels, but the ones I went to were excellent. The YA panel was particularly good. R. L. Stine did a great job moderating, hilarious as always, but he also managed to keep things moving and informative, with lots of great insights from Barry Lyga, Michelle Gagnon, Lissa Price, Kat Rosenfield, Linda Gerber, and Allen Zadoff. The best part, of course, was seeing old friends and making new ones. It’s not always easy being a writer, and you definitely make sacrifices, but once again I was reminded that one of the best perks of being a writer is being able to hang out with such amazing, smart, warm and hilarious people.”

Twitter:  @JonMcGoran

Website:  http://www.jonmcgoran.com

AUSTIN S. CAMACHO, author of the Hannibal Jones thriller series:

“ThrillerFest was one great moment after another. The highlight for me may have been seeing Ann Rice interviewed by her son (Christopher is the best interviewer EVER!) But my favorite memories are meeting with so many Facebook friends I’d never met in person before. Yeah, turning those electronic pals into 3-dimensional friends that was a series of favorite memories. And many will join me at the next great conference, Creatures, Crimes & Creativity.”

Twitter: @ascamacho

Facebook: Austin Camacho / Mystery Thriller Author

Austin S. Camacho and Maria Hudgins

D.P. LYLE, MD, ITW VP Education/Member Services; CraftFest Director; Author of the Edgar-nominated author of the Dub Walker Thriller Series:

“ThrillerFest was very special this year and I have many great memories including being ravaged, or is it savaged?, by a host off insane vampirettes, dinner with the wonderful R.L. and Jane Stine at their marvelous home and again at the Awards Banquet, and the opportunity to interview my friend and Spotlight Guest T. Jefferson Parker. And of course hanging in the bar with August as well as Heather Graham, Jennifer Hughes, Kathy Antrim, Twist Phelan and her husband Jack, Hans Watford, Phil Donlay, Bob and Pat Gussin, Tony and Tori Eldridge, and many others.”

Twitter: DPLyleMD

Website:  www.dplylemd.com

D.P. Lyle and his throng! (Alexandra Sokoloff, Me, Amy Shojai, Carol Shenold and Twist Phelan)

 DANIEL PALMER, author of Delirious, Helpless and Stolen:

“Interviewing my father in front of a packed ballroom during his Author Spotlight appearance was a highlight, as well as an honor and a privilege.”

Twitter: @DanielPalmer

Website: http://www.danielpalmerbooks.com

Daniel Palmer and Michael Palmer

BOYD MORRISON, Author of the Tyler Locke Thriller Series:

“Because the Yankees catcher Chris Stewart is a fan of my books, he arranged for me and my wife to get field passes and tickets to the game on Saturday. We had a fantastic time meeting him and watching the game from great seats. Not a bad perk for being a writer!”

Twitter: @BoydMorrison

Website: www.boydmorrison.com

AMANDA KYLE WILLIAMS, Author of the Key Street Thriller Series:

“No one understands the panic of blowing a deadline or the fear of dry days like another writer. This is one of my favorite things about conferences like ThrillerFest. It’s one big therapy session. Usually in the bar.”

Twitter: @AKyleWilliams

Website: http://amandakylewilliams.com

Amanda Kyle Williams, Carla Buckley, Julia Heaberlin and Stefanie Pintoff

ANNE RICE, Internationally Celebrated, Award-Winning Author of the The Vampire Chronicles (and so much more!)

“What I loved most about ThrillerFest was the generous high spirits of the top flight professional authors who’d come there to host and to mingle with all sorts of up and coming and aspiring writers. I mean the whole atmosphere was hospitable and fun, from start to finish, and it gave aspiring writers a chance to connect with professionals, to learn from them about craft and to connect with top flight agents. It was a terrific event. I felt so welcome. I want to support the International Thrillers Writers in any way I can.”

Twitter: @AnneRiceAuthor

Facebook: Anne Rice Fan Page

This year Anne was awarded the International Thriller Writers Lifetime Achievement Award! Congratulations, Anne!

Anne Rice with her son and fellow author, Christopher Rice, holding her brand spankin’ new award!

I have chills thinking of how inspiring these folks, and many others who attended ThrillerFest, are. I could go on and on and on… Instead, I’ll pass the mic to you. If you attended ThrillerFest, what was your favorite part? Are you thinking of going next year? Any questions for me and/or other attendees? I always love hearing your thoughts. ♥

#GirlBoner Courage Part II: The Gig Y’All Helped Me Play!

We are weaned from our timidity

In the flush of love’s light 

we dare be brave,

And suddenly we see that love costs all we are 

and will ever be.

Yet it is only love which sets us free.  

— Maya Angelou

Within minutes of arriving to New York last week I was propositioned by a 12-year-old and nearly overrun by a woman who appeared to be at least 100, yet moved as fast as a spritely racewalker, while a street musician serenaded an ignorant crowd. Such boldness isn’t common everywhere, but you can observe it routinely in NYC. I don’t think anyone can live in, or even visit, the megalopolis without some amount of bravery. The city is as crowded as it is diverse, the world’s epicenter of numerous competitive industries and—best of all—built on individuals’ dreams.

Before moving there in my late teens, I wrote in my journal: “I’m not scared, just excited. Or maybe I am scared. Maybe I want to be.” Naive as I was then, I had that latter part right. I’m pretty sure such feelings are universal. Fear can be exciting, in moderation.

This recent trip, I was abuzz over something else—the singing gig I explained last week. I spent time beforehand having a breezy blast with my brother and his girlfriend in Brooklyn. Beneath my calm lingered frequently spasming fireflies. (‘Butterflies’ now seems too tame…) I had at least 50 moments of, “Oh my God. SINGING!” and had to urinate nearly as many times.

Since guitars are difficult to travel with, I rented mine’s clone—the same make and model—from a shop in Midtown. Picking it up was more comforting than donning world’s comfiest jeans after a long day of glamming it up in a dress and heels. (SIGH…) The same thing happened when I spotted the stage, recalling the countless times I’ve seen one in recent years, longing to hop up onto it. I also thought those of you who shared personal fear-facing stories and offered support beforehand. (Have I mentioned how inspiring and fierce y’all are???)

I wish I could say that the fireflies buzzed off and I morphed into folk-style Bonnie Raitt onstage, but…nope. Each time I noticed a flareup, I refocused on whatever song I was singing—its meaning and why I’d written it. My nervousness and imperfections became trivial, and I ended up having a blast.

The experience affirmed what we’ve been discussing here—that courage derives from love. We love something more than we fear the price of reaching it, and that love propels us through the freaking-us-out fire. Gradually (hopefully!) love takes over, showing fear who’s boss and inviting myriad rewards.

While this isn’t typical Monday material, it ties directly into what Girl Boner stands for—living full, passionate lives and not allowing insecurities, naiveté or ignorance hold us back. Our lives should be rich with passion and sensuality, both of which extend far beyond intercourse and masturbation (though obviously, also awesome!). They illuminate our souls, radiate outward and have the capacity to change or even save lives. I doubt my performance saved any lives, but it certainly enriched mine. Therein lies strength and beauty, particularly since we’re only as good for others as we are emotionally fulfilled ourselves, IMHO. But that’s another topic! For now, I’d rather hear from you.

What has facing a particular fear taught you? What would you do if you weren’t afraid? What’s the wildest dream you can foresee chasing—if not now, then someday? There’s no judgment here, so dream away! We won’t slash a whip or hold you to it unless you ask us to. And be sure to join us next Monday as we delve further into all-things-saucy.

If you’re interested in seeing my performance, it’ll be available on my Facebook author page shortly. In the meantime, you can watch it here. Pardon the opening act, my bobbling head. LOL That only lasts a few minutes—promise!

Happy #GirlBoner Monday. I hope your week’s off to a brilliant start!

#GirlBoner Courage: Turning Gutlessness Into Gusto

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” – Meg Cabot

The woman who moves across the globe alone to start anew, the man whose heart is broken but never gives up on love, anyone who bypasses high-paying or “stable” vocations in the name of artistry… I so admire folks who step up in courage. This week I’m trying my darndest to be one of them.

If you caught my post from a few months ago, Singing Naked: Honesty on Stage, you know that music means a lot to me. You also know that sharing my original tunes with others makes me anxious. It feels a bit like opening up my soul, flashing neon lights on my vulnerabilities and pouring my innermost thoughts out before Simon Cowell-like ears.

Once I stepped onto the stage after a lengthy respite at my paperback release party in March, my nervousness transformed into bliss. Rather than pee on the floor or obsess over imperfections as I’d anticipated, I savored every moment. Afterward, I felt like trading my place for a bus and going on tour! I settled for a less dramatic pursuit: a few gigs per year.

Then in a burst of post-show delusional hysteria courage, I decided to submit tunes to New York venues, requesting stage-time during the week of ThrillerFest. A groovy one panned out. This Wednesday, July 10th, I’ll perform a full set not only live on stage, but before the entire Facebook-universe, or whoever decides to visit my page and hit ‘play.’

If you’ll be in the NYC area this week, I’d love to see you here! I won’t nervous-puke on you or anything—promise.

Shortly after booking the show, the self-doubt goblin reared its ugly head again: Your songs are weird. You don’t play guitar “right.” You don’t even practice! What were you THINKING?!?

As with my first gig, I considered canceling. Or sending invitees to the wrong time and address—someplace with better entertainment. Then I plunked down with my guitar, closed my eyes and recalled why I’d written the songs. Regardless of how they’re played or perceived, I still believe in their stories and care deeply for the people behind them. I also sense that music means more to me than I can begin to comprehend. Being the gushy bohemian I am, I shed tears, commanding the SD goblin to GO STUFF IT.

It worked, mostly.

Now me and my gastro-butterflies are nervous, but eager. I’m not trying to become the next Joni Mitchell, or playing because I believe—or even wish—to be “good.” I’m performing because I promised myself long ago that I wouldn’t let fear or insecurity hold me back from anything I hold dear.

So what does this have to do with Girl Boner? A lot, actually. I’ll be singing naked (metaphorically), and performing a song I jokingly call “Girl Boner Beginnings.” But the real connection lies in the gusto it takes to pull ourselves up out of a place of insecurity to pursue passionate pursuits we fear. While fear holds an important place in our lives and psyche, it can also tinker big time with our happiness.

I could delve into the studies that show a tight link between female sexuality and happiness, of which there are numerous. But the message for today is this: being whole, emotionally fulfilled people makes way for happiness in a variety of ways—including sexually. While we can often find contentment in the comfortable, I think it takes daring and challenging ourselves to truly soar—even (or especially) when it’s terrifying. How else can we truly learn what we’re capable of?

I’m not suggesting that we all make “I’m Afraid Of” lists simply to have better sex (though talk about rad frosting). I do think, however, that if we let ourselves grow complacent in other life areas, we’re likely to be complacent in the bedroom—and vice versa. If we seek empowerment in one life department, on the other hand, we can expect to flourish in others. (This by far beats fixating on problems rather than nourishing joy, which often defeats the purpose.)

The takeaway, from a solely sexual standpoint: If you’re feeling stagnant sexually, why not dare yourself to dream bigger and go after those dreams with gusto? I’ve found that the reverse also works: Prioritizing sexual exploration, intimacy and adventurousness can rev up excitement in life. Both scenarios are win-wins, in my opinion, regardless of the results. If we fall flat, we typically still gain something. We’ll never have to wallow in “what ifs?” or regret, and many “falls” move us closer to success.

So yes, I plan to savor sexual perks in the weeks following my show—no matter what happens. Dream-seeking and challenge-facing can be seriously awesome foreplay! More so than that, I plan to continue dreaming and living larger, with faith that rewards of many kinds will follow.

With this topic in mind, I posted a question on Facebook last week: What’s something you did that terrified you, and are now so glad you did? The responses were crazy inspiring. Here are just a few that rocked:

What scary thing have you done that you’re now grateful for? What would you do if you weren’t afraid? Have you noticed a link between overcoming fear and your sexual confidence? Can I look forward to seeing you at ThrillerFest? I love hearing from you. ♥ 

To more Girl Boner chit chat, join me on Facebook and Twitter. If you’ve missed any Girl Boner posts, you can now find the whole shebang in list-form here. Thanks for reading, y’all. Have a beautiful week!

Navigating July 4th: How to Find Freedom From Food Angst

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.” — Sylvia Plath

Plath’s quote helped me through numerous occasions when it was all I could do to simply breathe. July 4th used to be one of them. Holidays can be incredibly stressful when you have an eating disorder, ranging from mildly stressful to panic attack inducing. I’m grateful that all of that’s in my past now, and saddened by the vast number of people who can relate.

If you are one of them, I hope you’ll find the following post helpful. I’m honored to be a guest on the National Eating Disorders Association’s blog, sharing tips on navigating the 4th of July when food, your thoughts and your body seem like enemies. I seriously wish I could hug you! Instead, I bring you this:

To read the full post, click the above image or this link. 

Wishing you all a safe, healthy and happy weekend. ♥

What’s Your Sexual Personality Type?

“Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is.” — Mae West

Or…not shine.

Do you find personality as fascinating as I do? Merriam-Webster defines it as “the combination of characteristics or qualities that form an individual’s distinctive character.” Influenced by everything from our genetics and upbringing to the culture and time in which we live, our personalities play significant roles in nearly everything we do. Yep! Including sex. We’ll get to that shortly.

Last week, the totally boob-o-riffic Susie Lindau talked about the Typealyzer over on Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings. By comparing texts within a website, Typealyzer assesses its personality type, based on Myers-Briggs. (Myers-Briggs is a question and answer based personality tool derived from psychologist Carl Jung’s research and philosophies.) When I entered my blog URL into Typealyzer, the results came out wonky. When I entered my main website, which encompasses all all of my work, though, I was tickled. The results matched my Myers-Briggs profile and what others seem to perceive about me. Here is my brain on Typealyzer:

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging (ENFJ)

Notable ENFJs: Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Johann von Goethe, Michael Moore, Oprah Winfrey, Kate Winslet, Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Zack de la Rocha and Wedge Antilles

Common satisfying careers: Journalist, Editor, Social Worker, Event Coordinator, Teacher, PR Manager, Clergy, Speaker, Writer, Psychologist

So I had to know: Do I, Oprah and Mandela have the same sexual personalities?!? Since I don’t know them well enough to ask, I decided to investigate on my own.

Hmmm…..

We addressed sensitivity and sexuality somewhat in my post, “Am I Happier Single?” Learning to Love and Hyper-Sensitivity. But sensitivity is just one important personality factor. Today I decided to introduce my Girl Boner to Isabel Briggs Myers and Katharine Cook Briggs. (Hello, ladies!)

What follows is just for kicks, but I have to say—there’s truth in it! After you peruse my sexual personality profile (and yours, if you’re an ENFJ), I hope you’ll try  the sexercise yourself. Drawing quotes from my Myers-Briggs profile and Typealyzer’s analysis, and adding two choice words, here is a glimpse at my potential Girl Boner personality:

I am especially attuned to harmonic relationships in bed. (Cue music!)
I live in possibilities and make things happen in bed. (I ♥ dreaming…)
I’m a skilled communicator in bed. (Translation: over-talkative.)
I can be overly sensitive in bed. (Pros and cons here, but yes.)
I’m so externally focused that it’s especially important for me to spend time alone. (Important for GBs and all else, but ugh. Not in bed.)
I may also have the tendency to be hard on myself and turn to dark thoughts when alone. (Historically, yes. And sex helps!)
I’m energetic and fast-paced in bed. (Va-va-va-VROOM!)
I excel at picking up the tone of situations and acting accordingly in bed, adding warmth to cool settings and turning sour into sweet. (I may have to research this one. Does eating cake before—er, never mind.)
I have a talent for making people feel good in bed. (I hope so!)
I’m straightforward and honest in bed. (Blurt-style, yes.)
I enjoy working with people in bed. (Um…)
I tend to be more reserved about exposing myself than other extraverted types in bed.  (Not sure…?)
I may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people in bed. (Pending research.)
I don’t like dealing with impersonal reasoning in bed. (Duh! Or anywhere.)
What satisfies me most is helping others reach their full potential in bed. (GIRL BONER POWER!)
I’m often highly productive in bed, but may find myself feeling unappreciated.  (Note to self: Request pity sex and greater praise.)
I have a strong need for close, intimate relationships in bed. (Usually. )
As a giving nurturer, I need to remember to value my own needs as well as the needs of others. (Note to self: Buy that sex toy you’ve been eyeing…)
I get excited about possibilities and the future, but can easily become restless in bed. (Manageable, but yes! Bring on the quickies.)

Okay, so it’s a bit like entertaining horoscopes. Even so, I see a lot of myself—sexually and otherwise—in my Myers-Briggs type. And I’d LOVE to hear tidbits from yours.

To play along, pop over to Typealyzer.com and enter your blog or homepage URL to receive your personality analysis. To skip the URL analysis and simply glance over the types or take the quiz, visit My MBTI Personality Type. Then come on back and share a few highlights—the more the merrier! Add “in bed” where it fits, and let me know if it jives well with your Girl Boner (or Boy Boner) style.

 Does your Myers-Briggs profile match your sexual style? If you took the Typealyze test, what did you think? How are you…IN BED?