August McLaughlin's Blog, page 59

Orgasmic Facts About Food

WARNING: If you detest Brussels sprouts, read “chocolate” (or another appealing food) in its place throughout the following—or risk gagging or falling in love, lust or like with the brassica family.

Who knew these little green balls could be so orgasmic?

There I was, having dinner with newfound friends at Killer Nashville, an annual mystery/thriller writers’ conference, when the most sumptuous veggies I may have ever tasted found my mouth. As I closed my lips around one of the tiny cabbages I’d been lusting over with my nose, giddy appetite and eyes, an excited tingle filled me and—honest to God—I moaned. So enamored by the flavor explosion causing multiple forms of salivation (IYKWIM!), I scarcely noticed my pal-turned-paparazzi snapping photos.

Did I actually orgasm? By traditional definition, no. But if you define orgasm in broader terms, absolutely.

OneTaste, a company dedicated to researching and teaching the practices of orgasmic meditation, defines orgasm not only as sexual climax, but as everything leading up to and trailing after it. “The entire ride of bodily sensation in connection with another, is Orgasm,” states their website. By this definition, those Brussels sprouts and I had sex! Great sex, at that. Chances are you and some of your recent vittles have, too. Curious, confused or skeptical? Consider the following…

Orgasmic Facts About Food

1. Eating is SEXY. Sensuality is all about stimulating and engaging our senses, and little tickles them like savory food. Eating also triggers the release of the “thrill” chemical dopamine—the same substance released during arousal and climax. We get the most bang (scrumptious pun!) from our first few bites, so take your time and savor those initial morsels. To up the arousal ante further, seek adventure. New experiences, including trying new foods and dining in unfamiliar settings, trigger dopamine production. (In the case of my orgasmic sprouts, new friendships and fun in Nashville likely served as foreplay. Writers. Are. HOT!)

2. Sharing food is HOT. All species show love by feeding one another. As a culture, we delight in sharing, and often bond through food. Feeding a partner allows us to enjoy his or her enjoyment—not to mention drool over admire their mouth. (Mmm…!) Dining out in a romantic setting is unarguably enticing, but so is simpler fare rich in TLC. Ever noticed how even a PBJ made by a loved one tastes better than one you made for yourself? Limited research shows that food prepared with love actually tastes better, from a brain chemistry standpoint.

3. Certain foods promote sexual health and arousal. Many supposed aphrodisiac foods are sadly more myth than fact-based. That said, a variety of foods contain nutrients that help your brain and body desire and prepare for pleasurable sex and orgasm. The complex carbs in whole grains, fruits and vegetables energize cells in the brain and body, providing staying power—crucial, considering the fact that exhaustion is a top libido tanker. They also allow the brain to produce serotonin, which helps promote positive moods and arousal. The micro-nutrients in whole foods promote everything from minimized pain and bloating to normalized circulation. We all need healthy blood flow for our Girl Boners (and Boy Boners!) to function properly.

Life should be sensual. When it is, which requires embracing our sexuality and capacity for pleasure IMO, even cruciferous vegetables can work like magic wands on our Girl Boners.

Hungry for more? Check out these related links:

#GirlBoner Wellness: 5 Ways Dieting Zaps Libido
Foods For Better Sex
Foods For Use During Sex via Cosmopolitan.com

Your turn! Close your eyes and recall an ultra-sexy eating experience, or let your imagination dream up a new one. What did it entail? Did any aspect surprise you? What foods or dining experiences you find the most sensual? Let me know in the comments. I love hearing from you! ♥

For more #GirlBoner fun, connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

Escaping Domestic Abuse: An Artist Turned Activist Speaks Out

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” — Roald Dahl

It’s tough to see glitter, magic or even hope in the world when yours is crippled by unbearable suffering. Even in the worst case scenario, however, there is reason to hope. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a cause I wish few people could relate to. But chances are, you or a loved one have been affected.

Every nine seconds a woman in the U.S. is beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused, according to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, and one in three women (and many men) worldwide will experience abuse in her lifetime. Magician and actor turned activist Misty Lee is determined to change all that. I’m convinced that her most recent artistry has the potential to save lives.

A Bit About Magical Misty

Born and raised in Detroit, Misty credits her School of Hard Knocks upbringing for her macabre wit and passion for the “dark arts.” She’s become Hollywood’s go-to gal for “all things magically freaky,” remaining best known for her saucy sorcery and gift for sophisticated stage illusion. In 2011, she became the first female staff medium to perform the famed Houdini Séance at Hollywood’s Magic Castle. And that’s not all…

Misty’s most recent project brings magic to a whole new level. In effort to raise awareness for the Domestic Violence Hotline, she wrote and created the following PSA, likening the decision to break free from an abusive relationship to escaping a straight jacket—efforts Misty knows all too well.

The following video illustrates more in 87 seconds than I could say in pages. After you’ve viewed the video, read on for a Q & A with the artist herself.

A Chat with the Artist

August: Your PSA gave me chills. What inspired you to create it?

Misty: Thank you for your watching it!  The PSA is essentially a love letter to my mother. I watched her endure years of abuse, and now she’s living on her terms. Although her abuse was primarily verbal, the effects were permeating and deeply debilitating. Her strength and tenacity are an inspiration, and I wrote the PSA around her refusal to accept the role of ‘victim’ as her fate. I hope it will inspire others to be brave, escape and thrive.

August: What do you hope viewers glean from the production?

Misty: For the abused: If it convinces even one person that they’re not alone, that it can be done, that they’re worth it, and inspires them to create a plan for freedom, it was worth it.

For abusers: I’m hoping an abuser may see this and realize this is an unacceptable way to treat a loved one, and it may inspire them to make the choice to stop the cycle—and begin to heal.

For the lucky few who have never experienced abuse first hand: Insight that will inspire deeper understanding, which will hopefully elicit a passionate response and a willingness to help.

August: What can we do to support your ventures?

Misty: That’s very nice of you to ask, August. Please spread the word. Share the video, tell your loved ones, and if you know someone who may be suffering, SAY SOMETHING. Victims often suffer in silence for fear of not being believed or suffering repercussions. Letting them know you’re available to help or providing them with an outlet may save a victim’s life. Even if all you can do is write the hotline number on a napkin and put it in their hand, you’re sending a clear message that help is available—sometimes the smallest action can make an enormous difference.

August: If you could wave a magic wand and make one positive change happen pronto, what would you do?

Misty: Gift people with the ability to see and feel the real consequences of their actions. Self-awareness raises gratitude, and gratitude increases the courage it takes to be vulnerable and kind. It’s worth it.

*****

We’d love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of Misty’s video or insight? What has inspired you to seek freedom from dark, seemingly impossible situations? If you or a loved one are currently in an abusive situation, please the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Rape and Submission Fantasies: A Source of Healing?

“I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” — Anaïs Nin

On the surface, rape and domination fantasies can seem bizarre, perverted and unhealthy. Why would a woman dream lustfully about such a deeply violating act? Well according to many sexual health and psychological experts, such fantasies aren’t only common, affecting an estimated 30 to 60 percent of women based on collective studies, but A-okay. For some women, they may even prove therapeutic.

I recently began watching Dr. Laura Berman’s Showtime series Sexual Healing, a program that chronicles couples working to overcome sexual and relationship problems under the counsel of Laura Berman, PhD. The first installment features Brandon and Sabrina, a young couple grappling with reduced sex drive. Though they’d had an active, healthy sex life previously, Sabrina’s earliest sexual experiences were deeply traumatic. Throughout her early childhood, she was molested by a temporary step-father.

During a one-on-one session, Dr. Berman asks Sabrina what she fantasizes about sexually. Here’s a clip from their chat:

Sabrina: I need someone to rip off my clothes…and he’s so nice, so gentle.

Dr. Berman: A sort of submission fantasy?

Sabrina: Yeah, maybe. And maybe that’s bad.

Dr. Berman: No. In fact a lot of women who have been through sexual trauma, even women who haven’t, have rape fantasies, submission fantasies…because it’s sort of a way to work through it. It feels arousing because it’s sort of in your control. It’s kind of taking what was out of your control and putting it in control.

Dr. Berman’s insight really struck me, having never experienced or fully understood rape fantasies myself. Witnessing the lightbulbs of empowerment that seemed to flash in Sabrina’s head as she began to see her desires for what they really are—a chance to heal wounds from her past—gave me chills! I can’t imagine such revelations, paired with her willingness to work through challenges her loving beau, not shifting her sense of self-worth and sexual embracement toward the better.

Another woman on the program, the most shy and conservative of the bunch, shared a fantasy in which a man enters her home and rapes her, “taking her from behind over the sofa” until the act gradually becomes pleasurable. Then he forces her to prepare food for him (interesting, considering the fact that she hates cooking). She makes him a sandwich before he “takes her” again, this time on the kitchen table. Because she considers herself prudish, she told Dr. Berman that she associates her fantasy with knocking down her inhibitions and thinking more freely.

“Fantasies allow us to experience the outer limits of our imaginations safely, with no risk–and for some people, that includes fantasies of coerced sex,” writes Michael Castleman, MA, author of All About Sex. “In fantasy everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.”

5 More Reasons Women Fantasize About Rape & Domination

1. The thrill of desire. Robert Frost called love “an irresistible desire to be desired,” and for good reason. Little feels as good as being wanted. While the actual act of rape isn’t about sex but power, says Dr. Berman, rape fantasies are all about sexual desirability. To be so desired that a man (or woman) can’t help but rip a woman’s clothes off and go to town on her body provides many women a sense of euphoria.

2. Permission to experience pleasure first, without worrying about performance. Unlike actual sexual violation, rape and domination fantasies involve pleasure. “When you restrain her, it means she has permission to experience pleasure without having to worry about being good in bed or returning the favor,” says Cosmo writer Caroyln Kylstra. This is one reason women particularly prone to people-pleasing, putting others’ needs before their own, are more likely to fantasize about being aggressively taken.

3. Permission to be sexual. In a society that over-sexualizes women in entertainment and the media while encouraging hush-hush attitudes about sex most everywhere else, many women experience intense shame when it comes to expressing themselves sexually. “Rape fantasies allow them to explore their sexuality without embarrassment, as they are being taken against their will, at least mentally,” said Dr. Berman. Doing so allows women with sexual shame freedom to savor the experience, she says, without feeling embarrassed or dirty.

4. Societal teaching. Women and men are exposed to countless illustrations of male dominance/female submission in todays’ culture, and both genders tend to internalize these roles, according to research summarized in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. We tend to desire what we know, particularly if we haven’t challenged these beliefs.

5. Adrenaline boosts. A thin (and important) line divides pain and pleasure, and they tend to go hand-in-hand, says Dr. Berman. “Danger and pain can act as an instant adrenaline boost,” she writes. “They get the heart pumping and excitement flowing, and such reactions mimic the feelings of sexual attraction and sexual desire.” Some amount of pain can jump-start pleasure, which can lead to highly erotic and pleasurable play.

If experiencing rape or domination fantasies in your mind or bedroom* heightens your sexual satisfaction, closeness with your partner or emotional healing, I say DREAM ON—knowing that there’s nothing wrong or “dirty” about you. If not, well, there are countless other fantasies worth having…

*Acting rape and domination fantasies out can be healthy and safe with a trusted partner in safe quarters, say psychologists, but some are best kept within—particularly if they involve significant pain or harm, strangers or acts your partner doesn’t feel comfortable with. If you’re struggling to cope with or manage your own fantasies, guidance from a trusted professional can go a long way.

Have you had domination or rape fantasies? Were you surprised to learn that, addressed properly, they can provide healing? What themes do you see in your fantasies? What reasons would you add to my list? I love hearing your thoughts! ♥ You can also chat with me and the Girl Boner community on Facebook and Twitter.

Child-Free Women Myth #1: We Are Smart! Yet Stupid

Roughly 1 in 5 women in the U.S. ends her childbearing years without children, according to PewReseachCenter, compared with 1 in 10 women in the 1970s. To me, this speaks of freedom, choice and progression, when the decision is optional. Many others beg to differ…

Not all women dream of having children.

Moms are awesome! Kids are awesome. I have endless respect for anyone who lovingly raises children, which I believe is one of the toughest and most important jobs on the planet.

As much as I admire parents, I’ve always known, or at least strongly believed, that I’d never become one. While my sisters and girlfriends were dreaming up children’s names and careers that might allow parenting plus professionalism in the schoolyard, I saw myself traveling around with a microphone and helping people in the public. While the specifics of my desired future continues to evolve, I’ve always sensed a purpose involving passion, creativity, outreach and love—but in ways unrelated to parenthood.

I feel blessed to live in a time in which deciding against motherhood is largely acceptable by society’s standards, and to have loved ones (including my own awesome mom) who respect my less conventional aspirations. That said, there’s still a fair amount of stigma when it comes to women who opt out of motherhood, and heap loads of myths.

People seldom ask a woman why she decided to have children, but for women without kids, the “why” question is common. I can’t speak for all of us, of course, but I have to say—the notion circulating the media that it derives from some level of stupidity is, well, stupid.

Child-Free Myth #1: Child-free women are smart, yet stupid.

A recent study conducted at the London School of Economics revealed a strong link between women with high IQs and a disinclination toward motherhood. A woman’s urge, according to the research, decreases significantly for every 15 added points of IQ she has. There are obviously countless brilliant women who have children, and less sharp women without. What bothers me about the study is the reaction of Satoshi Kanazawa, one of the psychologists heading the research—and the folks who agree with him.

Kanazawa finds it paradoxical that intelligent women don’t desire what should be the ultimate pursuit of their biological existence, according to an article published in The Guardian—reproducing. Because women can have babies, he presumes that we should, and that opting out is an unintelligent decision brilliant women are making.

It remains unknown, he says, why intelligent women are reproducing less but believes it’s not the reason most people assume: that women with higher IQs are more likely to go to seek higher education and have demanding careers than mothers. He concludes that intelligent women’s failure to reproduce works against them because they are resisting their biological destiny, and that it damages society, because fewer smart moms results in fewer smart kids.

Here are some of the reasons I disagree:

1. The lack of sound, wellness-promoting, sex education leads many girls to become mothers. I live in Los Angeles, where the combination of poverty, early motherhood and limited education runs rampant. Throughout the U.S., girls and boys continue to learn extremely little about their bodies and sexuality in our largely abstinence- and fear-based/disease focused sex education system—the setup for unwanted pregnancy. In 2011 alone, 323,797 babies were born to teen girls ages 15 to 19, according to the Centers for Disease Control. While some of those girls-turned-parents are able to thrive, most face challenges even full-fledged adults would find unmanageable. Their chances of furthered education and nurtured intellect are dismal compared to teens without kids. It’s unfair to compare these girls and the women they become to women who’ve made informed decisions about education and parenthood later on. If the sex education system were smarter, women and children would be, too.

2. High intelligence in a woman doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be a spectacular mother, or that her kids will be geniuses. If a mother bears children with or without taking a job she’s unfilled by instead of a more demanding job that suits her passion, she could end up somewhat resentful or unhappy—not ideal traits for a parent. Strong mothering skills have been linked with the ability to take things in stride and not hold oneself up to ultra-high standards; overachievers, who tend to be intelligent, are prone to the opposite. I’m sure there are plenty of women with closer to average intelligence and exceptional hearts who make fantastic parents, setting the stage for kids to grow up healthy and bright. And since IQ is only about 50 percent inheritable, children of a super sharp mom are more likely to inherit her hair color or height than her IQ score.

3. Many women without children are smart and conscientious enough to know that they couldn’t properly nurture a child. Many of the most influential, good-doing women in the world don’t have kids. As of August 2010, the last three male judges nominated to the Supreme court were married, with a collective seven children. The last three women were single and without kids. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Oprah Winfrey are also child-free. I can’t speak to whether they chose professional desires over maternal* (though Oprah has professed to never having the urge), but I doubt these women would’ve excelled to the degree that they have and raised children to the best of their abilities simultaneously. Other women opt not to have kids for financial reasons, realizing that they couldn’t afford to support children, or because they know instinctually that they aren’t cut out for parenting. It takes smarts to recognize whether one is well-suited or not to such an important role.

*For women who desire children but choose career aspirations instead, improving childcare and maternity options in the workplace throughout the U.S. seems vital.

4. Some women parent in other ways, nurturing others and bettering the world through outreach in lieu of childrearing. My friend Julie is one of the most maternal, nurturing women I know. Rather than have children of her own, she teaches and formulates curriculum for children with special needs—giving her all and then some routinely. Just as children are blessed to have wonderful, loving parents, the students Julie reaches are blessed to have her to such a full extent. Women don’t have to have children to increase the overall intelligence or integrity of society. Whether we have children or not, we can contribute in countless alternate ways.

Do you believe highly intelligent women choosing not to have children could damage society? Have you struggled with the career versus parenthood decision or balancing act yourself? Any points of argument to add to my list? I’m always thrilled to hear from you!

If you enjoyed this post, I hope you’ll join me as we explore additional myths about child-free women soon. You can also interact with me and the #GirlBoner community on Facebook and Twitter. ♥

Orgasm Charades: 10 Facts About Faking It

“Hard times arouse an instinctive desire for authenticity.” — Coco Chanel

For years into adulthood, the orgasm faking phenomenon eluded me. Then I met Humphrey—a soft spoken accountant with whom I had extremely little in common. (Two words: early twenties.) We’d been dating for a few weeks when after a Valentine’s Day dinner, we decided to have sex for the first time. Considering the romance in the air and our unmissable arousal, one might imagine that our physical intimacy would have matched the decadence of our heart-shaped chocolate cake. But pheromones can be deceiving.

Have you ever tried on an outfit that appeared perfect-for-you/glam on the rack, only to discover that it somehow made you look like Elmer Fudd? Let’s just say that Humphrey and I were not each other’s optimal outfits. Nothing about our bodies, preferences or movements seemed to fit right. We were able to get the “outfit” on, so to speak, but within minutes I began wishing we could exchange it for more cake.

Sex is awesome! Except when it’s not.

Humphrey either failed to notice, agree with or speak up about our incompatibility; the latter seems most likely. At one point, I tried to make eye contact to assess whether he felt equally awkward while withholding a blurt—something along the lines of, “This isn’t working! How about checkers?”—but we couldn’t even manage eye-lock. Perhaps he was too polite or embarrassed to express his dissatisfaction. Regardless, it was taking way too long.

When I asked him he wanted me to do, hoping for some direction, he said, “Keep going.”

Ugh! Help! Boredom struck me like Algebra class in Latin as I explored ways to expedite the process, resisting the urge to jump up and flee. If Humphrey was actually enjoying himself, he was the rockstar and I, the wimpy liar. I should’ve spoken up, but for once in my life, I didn’t. I felt guilty for making love disingenuously, and certainly didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But if we didn’t stop soon, I knew I might explode—and not in a YES, YES, YES! type way. I had to do something, even if that something was arguably nothing.

When we bonked noses, I thought for sure things would near a halt. Instead, he bit my earlobe (I still don’t get that), made a soft growl-like noise and whispered, “Come.”

Divine intervention! I had my cue.

Donning my acting skills, I made like Meg Ryan’s character in When Harry Met Sally. With my muscles tensed and my back arched, I let my vocal chords take over, crescendoing from hungry-sounding to climactic. I may’ve gone overboard, as Humphrey seemed to wince the way one does in response to an obnoxious car alarm; hopefully I was slightly more erotic. (I know… Poor Humphrey!) He climaxed shortly after, or seemed to, then fell asleep as I sat wide awake, feeling the need to run sprints.

Nowadays I’d have gone another route—communicating and potentially demonstrating more. I’d also have recognized the mismatch we were before coupling up. Looking back, I see countless ways in which Humphrey and I were incompatible. Our lack of sexual chemistry seemed analogous to many facets of our short-lived relationship, from which, I suspect, we both learned a lot.

Not all fake orgasm experiences are as dramatic (fortunately!), and some women rely on them often. Whether you relate or not, I feel we can all learn from the common trend. Here are 10 facts I find intriguing about the falsified big-O.

10 Facts About Faking Orgasms

1. They’re common. Based on various recent studies, between one-half and two-thirds of women report having faked an orgasm at some point—that’s more than the amount of women who smoke, have high blood pressure or exercise daily in the U.S.

2. Men fake them, too. While male fake orgasms have received less scholarly attention, they do happen. A study conducted at the University of Kansas in 2009 showed that one-quarter of young men admit to faking it. A more recent study showed that divorced men fake it significantly more so than single, never before married men. Since men are less likely to admit to faking orgasm, researchers speculate that the numbers are likely higher.

(If you’re wondering how that’s possible for men, condoms are a common concealer, along with pulling out before faux-maxing in the dark.)

3. They’re often used to save time and guard feelings. This holds true for both men and women (including me with Humphrey). “Men tend to fake for similar reasons that women fake,” said Debby Herbenick, co-director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, “to help their partner’s ego, to not hurt their partner’s feelings [or] to end sex so that they can go to sleep or go home.”

4. For many women, it’s a self-consciousness issue. If you’re feeling low about your body, ability to please your partner or climax, orgasm won’t come easy. Women see highly orgasmic women in movies and feel that’s the norm, according to Vivienne Cass, PhD, author of The Elusive Orgasm—unrealistic standards to live up to. Meanwhile, men who watch porn are more likely to expect similar notions and feel less aroused by their beautiful, but more natural/normal-looking partners, making arousal and climax tougher for both partners. Some research also shows the women fake orgasms when they fear their partner will leave them.

5. It can also be a trust issue. “There’s a vulnerability and emotional risk that comes with climaxing in front of someone,” said Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, author of Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover in an interview with Women’s Health Magazine. Orgasm increases bonding between pairs, which can make us feel more vulnerable to hurt and rejection. Faking it may seem like a natural way, even subconsciously, to keep a partner at arm’s length.

6. Men want women to have real orgasms. An estimated ninety percent of men care whether women orgasm, reports the American Medical Association. They may value female orgasm for emotional reasons—genuinely caring for a partner’s satisfaction, as an affirmation that they are skilled lovers and, possibly for evolutionary reasons. Preliminary evidence suggests that female orgasms function to selectively uptake one man’s sperm over another’s, according to William McKibbin, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan.

7. Past hurt sets the stage. Research shoes that women who’ve had difficulty in a past relationship are more likely to fake orgasms to avoid feeling insecure about themselves than women with a less rocky romantic past. Faking it may make you feel a bit better for these reasons, but it won’t address underlying issues or allow you to experience the countless benefits of a pleasurable, orgasmic sex life. If faking it has become your norm, you may want to investigate why so that you can begin making positive changes.

8. Same-sex couples fake it less. Homosexual couples tend to fake orgasms less because of gender empathy, according to Mary Roach, author of Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex; they better understand how each other’s bodies work than heterosexual pairs. Same-sex couples also tend to take more time for foreplay than partners of the opposite sex, says Roach, which makes orgasm for both parties more likely.

9. They can make way for real Os. Acting as though we’re about to orgasm can increase arousal for both partners. Women tend to make more sexual sounds than normal when they fake it, found researchers from the University of Central Lancashire and the University of Leeds in the U.K. This can be a mega-turn on for men, which can be a mega-turn on for women. So faking it until you make it might actually work for some couples—as long as it’s an exception, versus the rule.

10. Increasing emotional trust and intimacy can erase the perceived need. Amping up intimacy and trust outside the bedroom paves the way for satisfying sex and relationship fulfillment overall. Couples who communicate and aren’t afraid to express their desires are more likely to engage in routine, orgasmic sex. They also don’t sweat it if one or the other doesn’t orgasm during sex on occasion. If your sex life involves more acting chops than authenticity, focusing more on cultivating connectedness with your partner and assuredness within yourself can go a long way.

Have you faked an orgasm? How would you feel if you learned your partner had? Did any of the above facts surprise you? I love hearing your respectful thoughts. (Honestly – I swear!) ♥

5 Benefits of Therapy for Creative Artists

Aw….right? We all have low times, no matter how magical our lives might seem. And sometimes even carrots  chocolate and hugs aren’t strong enough medicine.

I first learned the value of therapy when I’d returned to Minnesota from Paris, where I’d been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I figured the doctor of behavior and emotions would supply the answers I lacked and I’d soon be off on my healthy, happy way. The moment I sat down in her office, I started babbling. (That question list was LONG.) When I finally paused to breathe and listen, the smart-looking woman with a silver-gray pixie and glasses that could only be described as spectacles smiled and asked, “What do you think?”

Agh! Where were my answers? Little did I know that my endless talking would comprise much of my battle, and that my fast-paced monologue was merely a brief, if important, beginning.

Those of you who’ve had therapy know that an answer grab bag, psychic readings and instant clarity aren’t it. From what I understand, psychotherapy works well when our counselor is skilled and a strong personal fit, and we are ready and willing to dig deep—no matter how challenged or vulnerable we might feel. He or she helps us understand what we’re feeling and why, and discover answers we likely hold within.

If you read my recent post about the blues, you know I’ve experienced some emotional bumps lately. When they started to feel like more than the occasional blip on the life screen, I decided to see a therapist. Nothing earth shattering was happening, but having experienced major depression in the past, I’ve learned not to let such minor red flags enlarge into deafening sirens.  I’ve observed that some people view therapy as emotional chemotherapy, a sign of serious health problems. To me, it’s preventative medicine, and a place I can turn to in doubtful times. I’ve also come to believe that the occasional “check up from the neck up” (or the chest cavity, really) is beneficial for most everyone, particularly artists.

Therapy for Creatives: 5 Mega-Perks

1. Empowerment and support. We creative types tend to be highly sensitive, cerebral creatures. The ability to explore our thoughts and emotions with a caring professional who gets that can help us feel less alone. The less isolated and obscure we feel, the more likely we are to feel empowered.

2. Blockage prevention. I don’t much believe in writers’ block, but I strongly believe in life block. When we’re stuck, stilted or confused emotionally, I feel it shows in our writing—or lack thereof. Therapy can help us find or maintain freedom from issues that stand in the way of our expression, freeing us up for growth and success.

3. Hope springs! Even the cheeriest of us are susceptible to lulls and hardship. Whether you see the glass as half full, half empty, beautiful or smash-worthy, therapy can instill a sense of proactivity. Knowing we’re working through challenges and doing whatever internal work is necessary inspires a sense of hope—the seed of many creative dreams.

4. Problem recognition. You know when you’re reading a mystery and suddenly realize a crucial plot point you missed? One sentence or scene can reveal what’s been happening all along. Therapy can have similar effects, bringing light to hidden, attention-worthy issues. As with novels, such epiphanies often make way for happy endings (and new beginnings). And every writer knows that problems make for great plot additions. (Consider it research!)

5. Dream fuel. Some years ago when I was grappling with career decisions, a therapist suggested I close my eyes and imagine I was holding a magic wand. If I could use it to create my ideal work day, she asked, would it entail? My impromptu answer spilled out as though scripted, and within weeks that wish was coming into fruition. (I’m sure many of you can relate.) Sometimes we simply need someone to ask the right questions for the proper path to appear. Stating our dreams out loud gives them—and us—power.

Fabulous related links:

9 Steps to Finding a Therapist, by Louise Behiel

The Link Between Depression and Creativity, and How It Can Be Good For You, by Tanner Christenen

You Are Beautiful and Strong, Sweet Child of Abuse, by Kassandra Lamb (While not directly related, Kassandra’s points on healing and thriving seem suitable to most anyone. Beautiful stuff!)

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Are you a fan of therapy? What’s your favorite benefit? Has it helped your creative work? What would you do with that magic wand? Special thanks to everyone who offered support at my mention of feeling a bit low the other week. I’m on the up-and-up, and haven’t taken a word of your encouragement lightly.  Lots o’ love! ♥

Problems with Steve Harvey’s 90 Day (Sex) Rule

“Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven’t met that guy yet. When you meet him, let’s get him into the Smithsonian – he’s that special and rare.” – Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy and Commitment (Harper Collins, 2009)

Actually, there’s probably something wrong with that man—and sex is important to women, too.

Much has been said about the sexism of Harvey’s book  and derivative film (which isn’t merely sexist, apparently, but homophobic). As his talk show continues to gain success, having recently kicked off a new season, I felt compelled to weigh in.

Before I do, I should say that Harvey seems like a likable guy. He’s witty, contagiously upbeat and seems to genuinely care about the issues he addresses in his book and now syndicated talk show. He runs a mentoring camp in Detroit that strives to “share, teach and demonstrate the principles of manhood to young men, enabling them to achieve their dreams and become men who are strong, responsible and productive,” according to the organization’s website. He encourages men and women to respect themselves and each other and uses his talents, time, energy and celebrity to make a difference regarding issues he deems vital.

If only his philosophies regarding men, women and romantic relationships weren’t so problematic…

I have no desire to bash the comedian turned “love guru” personally; I believe he has wonderful intentions. But if I hear him suggest that women wait 90 days before “giving” sex to a man again, I might have to lure him to Girl Boner Central for a chat. Here he is on the Ellen Degeneres Show, discussing the rule:

Problems with the 90 Day Rule:

1. It presents sex as something women give to men. Sweaters. Game tickets. Cologne. These are gifts we might give another—an object or experience that namely benefits him or her. Sex shouldn’t be given, but shared and enjoyed when both parties are feel it’s the right time, whether that’s early on or down the road.

2. It encourages game-playing. If we start a relationship out with a bizarre form of sex-related checks and balances, or avoid sex before the 3-month mark purely to follow a rule, we set ourselves up for game-playing indefinitely. Throughout the relationship, sex could well become the man’s reward for particular behavior, and abstaining a sort of punishment. Game-playing leaves little room for authenticity and connectedness ad we’re likely to get hung up on keeping score and figuring out who deserves what when.

3. It treats sex as a currency or service. Viewing sex as a “benefit” a partner earns (much like working your way to health insurance at a new job, according to Harvey) sets a damaging standard, conveying that sex is a man’s reward for acting as we wish. What if we’re not Ms. Perfect? Should he withhold sex? Sexual intimacy enhances relationships. Withholding it because one party isn’t “perfect” could keep such bumps from smoothening out. (Harvey also calls women’s hugs, kisses and dressing up “payment.”)

4. It assumes that men desire sex more and sooner than women. Why do I suddenly feel pressured to wear an apron and cook a pot roast? Women and men are equally sexual creatures, equally deserving of sexual gratification and exploration. Yes, genders as a whole vary in particulars—but many of these variances have more to do with cultural factors than science. We also vary individually in terms of sexuality, regardless of our gender. Women who embrace this have healthier sex lives, body image, self-esteem and libido.

**Harvey does say that once we’ve passed the 90 day “probation” period with our partners, we can give it (sex) out “like sandwiches at a picnic.” I imagine some women might find empowerment in that. Maybe.

5. It encourages the myth that women who “give it up” early are slutty. Harvey doesn’t state this outright, but he’s only steps away. In his book he writes: “…if you’re giving [sex] to a guy who’s only been on the job for a week or two, you’re making a grave mistake.” He then depicts women who demand that men wait to receive sex as sharp, responsible and lady-like. These notions are outdated, damaging and false. Associating sex with sluttiness to any degree can tinker with sexual confidence and invite negativity to the bedroom.

6. It depicts many men as sex-hungry losers. While “real men” will wait for sex, according to Harvey, he asserts that all guys want and will pursue sex as soon as women are willing to give it. He also deems men unlikely to take a woman seriously if she “gives it up” early on. Research and personal experience have proven to me otherwise. Can it be true? Sure. The reverse can also happen. (I explored this a bit in my Sex and the Single Girl post.) I know countless awesome men who respect women regardless of their sexual ideals, and many who desire committed relationships as much or equally as many gals. Men can’t love as deeply or well as women, Harvey states, which is false, in my opinion.

(Women, on the other hand, says Harvey, will love a man “no matter what,” even if her “friends say he’s no good” and he “continually slams the door” on the relationship—ugh.)

Harvey certainly has a right to his opinion. I just wish his insights weren’t presented as “the truth” about how men think or so encouraging of a sexist mindset. Their popularity reminds me of dangerous diets touted by celebrities with little credibility or sound knowledge regarding wellness. Just as risky diets can wreak havoc on our health, buying into many of Harvey’s beliefs could damage followers’ emotional lives, sense of self-worth and relationships.

Should men and women respect themselves and one another? Absolutely. But abiding by a rule that turns sex into a prize men earn from women isn’t a healthy or empowering pathway. Staying true to ourselves, cultivating self embracement (which includes accepting our bodies and sexuality) and communicating honestly with anyone we decide to have a serious relationship and/or sex with cultivates respect all around, making way for harmonious living.

What do you think of Steve Harvey’s 90 Day Rule? Are you a fan or foe of his philosophies? When do you feel couples should begin having sex? As always, I love hearing your thoughts! ♥

The Beauty of the Blues: High Sensitivity and Feeling Out Loud

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving

I saw a woman standing at a bus stop the other day, crying. She made no attempts to hide her tears or even wipe them away. She simply let them flow down her cheeks, releasing the occasional whimper. At one point, she lifted her face toward the sky. As the sun struck her moist, glistening cheeks, I wondered if I’d ever seen anything so beautiful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about sadness lately. Numerous friends of mine are enduring difficult times, and I’ve experienced a few recent bumps of my own. I’ve also been pondering the tendency many of us have to bottle it up inside. I might, if I were capable. As a highly sensitive extrovert, it’s not in my DNA. Even so, I don’t recall a time I’ve emoted freely around others without a trace of self-consciousness.

The more we allow ourselves to feel and express our emotions, the better—but that’s not always easy. Rare is the person who lets her heart show like the woman at the bus stop. Even if we manage to, there’s a fine line between showing our sadness and blithering all over the place in a not-so-socially-acceptable way. Given the choice, I say feel out loud. There’s far more risk in the opposite.

One tremendous perk of being a highly sensitive person is the ability to experience mind-blowing joy. One downside, the capacity to feel a greater depth of sadness, is worth it, and very often beautiful.

Particularly for artists, whose lives are anything but linear, marked peaks and lows are common. We’re also less understood when lows happen, which heightens our sense of loneliness. I tend to embrace such pitfalls, keeping faith that good will come, though some tumult we can’t help but chalk up to “sometimes life sucks.” One of my dearest friends lost a loved one recently; there’s little silver lining in that.

Regardless, I’m grateful anytime I can reach out to others who “get” it, and to support loved ones in similar need. Knowing that we’re not alone in our loneliness can turn the fog into a more manageable, sparkly mist. I’ve learned that repeatedly. I also know that given the opportunity, we can cultivate growth, happiness and euphoria in our lives if we choose to never give up. Sometimes that means not rushing out of sadness, but feeling our way through it with open eyes. No good comes from “snapping out of it” advice, in my opinion. More strength comes from letting ourselves feel.

5 Beautiful Facts About the Blues

1. They make us tender. There’s a lovely tenderness about sadness and heartache. There has to be, as most of it derives from love. The more tender we feel, the more empathetic and capable of giving love we become. And we want to give love, because we know what it’s like to crave it.

2. They help us appreciate what we’ve lost or hope to gain. Occasionally we’re blah “just because,” but usually, there’s a reason. That reason reveals what we care about, which makes way for gratitude and hope. I can’t think of stronger fuel than thankfulness and hope. They make us damn-near unstoppable.

3. They help us savor sunshine and rainbows. I never used to understand why Minnesotans plant tulips. They’re beautiful, sure, but they don’t last very long. Last winter, I saw first-hand the magic of those vibrant, colorful tips poking through the frozen ground. After 17 centuries five months of blizzards and subzero temperatures, spring knocked on the door! I’ve had a flower-crush on tulips ever since. Greatness doesn’t seem nearly as magical amid sunshine. Life’s rain plus sunshine equals rainbows, always.

4. They bring us closer together. Low moods can draw us closer to loved ones when we have the wherewithal, courage and fortitude to share. They also show us who we most wish to be close to, and with whom such closeness is possible. I’m pretty sure we’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who hasn’t grown closer to a loved one due to hardship.

5. They inspire us. While the occasional pity party is perfectly fine, and arguably encouraged, there comes a point when we stop settling for what we’re enduring and start dreaming up a happier near future. If life were spiffy 24/7, whey would we strive to grow or change? We really can turn life’s lemons into lemonade. Sometimes it takes a serious case of the blues to recognize the recipe.

And because this made me smile, here’s a bit of Peanuts fun. (Music! Such great medicine.) There’s not a THING wrong with crying our eyes out, or wishing to.

When have the blues helped you grow? What were the rewards? Do you let your feelings out? Do you agree with the above benefits? If you relate because you’re enduring a tough time, I hope you know that you’re not alone, not really. Lots of love, friends. ♥

For an inspiring post on calmness after storms, check out KM Huber’s Compassion Totters on Friday the 13th. To explore the importance of embracing our emotions for the sake of writing (and any art form, really), read Tiffany Lawson Inman’s Emotional Barrier in Fiction: Why is it so important for you to learn how to cross it? (Part One) via Writers in the Storm.

#GirlBoner Beauty Part II: 10 Outer-Beauty Tips That Work

I’ve read some pretty horrendous beauty tips lately. One magazine featured “model beauty tips,” such as dining on organic juice blends instead of meals, swapping pie-flavored gum for dessert and relying on products Oprah could barely afford. Another geared toward the “everyday woman” suggested smiling less boldly as a way to prevent wrinkles. (Ack!) Today I thought I’d share tips I find a bit more substantial.

We talk a lot about inner-beauty here at Girl Boner Central, and for good reason. Emotional fulfillment, self acceptance, sexual empowerment and positive body image are by far the most important beautifiers, IMO. But cultivating beauty from the inside out and taking steps to feel lovely on the outside aren’t mutually exclusive. There was a time I grappled with that.

The first time I spoke publicly about my eating disorder, I emailed my college mentor and asked if I should try to dress down, and not so “model-y.” (Having spent the prior years immersed in the fashion world, my wardrobe was more pseudo-fashionista than smalltown-Minnesota.) I’ve never forget her reply: “There’s nothing wrong with being beautiful or wearing nice clothes. Dress however you’re comfortable. Be who you are.” I haven’t paid much mind to what others think of how I present myself since.

“Beautiful” has a different meaning for all of us. If we fixate on meeting others’ standards, we risk losing sight of who we authentically are. While not nearly as important as inner-beauty, there’s nothing wrong with making efforts to feel great about our appearance. If we keep it in perspective, doing so can be a fabulous means of self-care, illustrating that we care enough about ourselves to look our best, however we define it.

1. Use an SPF moisturizer daily. A recent large-scale study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine showed that participants who used SPF-containing moisturizer daily showed 24% less signs of skin aging than participants who did not. Researchers found that even starting to use SPF protection during middle age helps stave off wrinkles. Moisturizing also keeps our skin supple (i.e., more kissable!). Other beautifying moisturizer ingredients include antioxidants, such as vitamins C and E. And if you’re like me and aren’t a fan of heavy makeup, tinted moisturizer is a fabulous pick. Just make sure it matches your natural color.

2. Choose clothing by mood. Did you know that various studies show that we feel colors before see them? Crazy, right? Regardless, colors can influence our moods. I don’t have any data to support this bit, but I’ve found that dressing in colors and styles of clothing based on my mood (or preferred mood) makes me feel more attractive. And when we feel lovely, it shows. Here are the general affects various colors have mood-wise:

Red: passionate, bold Orange: energetic, positive Yellow: cheerful, optimistic Blue: peaceful, calm Green: relaxed, refreshed Purple: creative, luxurious Pink: happy, romantic Black: serious/authoritative or rocker-funky

3. When coloring your hair, choose a shade close to your natural color. Choose a color one to three shades lighter or darker than your natural color, says Jenny Bailly, a beauty writer for O, The Oprah Magazine. Doing so creates a warmth, flattering your skin tone and face. I personally alternate with partial highlights one shade lighter and low-lights, one to two shades darker—and only do so a couple of times per year. I like my natural color to be the most prevalent. It feels more like…me. (Exceptions: beauties who rock hot pink, blue, purple, black, color-of-the-month and glitter. I ♥ you.)

4. Don’t hide your perty face! It may seem contrary to apply makeup so that we look, well, exactly like ourselves. But every makeup artist will tell you, less is more. During some of my least secure years, I developed a habit of wearing heavy makeup, including thick, back eye liner, perpetually. The more I felt like hiding my true self, the more makeup I seemed to cake on. Then one day during a counseling session, my tears sent black rivers down my cheeks. “Your makeup is always so perfect, I thought it was tattooed!” my therapist said. I began examining my ways pronto. (I actually thought I’d been appearing natural! Self-dislike is a powerfully bad thing.) Great makeup should work like great lighting, enhancing what we have, not masking it.

5. Ignore fashion “rules.” Let’s start by stating the obvious: Fashion shouldn’t have rules! Having spent plentiful time in NYC and having a brother who’s a visual artist, I’ve seen first hand the way art influences fashion and culture. Have you ever seen an artist walking around in clone-like attire? Avoiding certain colors based on season? No, because they create their own style. We’re all influenced by trends, and that’s not in and of itself negative. But we should dress however we feel most comfortable, inside and out. It’s how we wear our clothes that matters, and self assuredness is DAMN SEXY. (I wear boots year round and I’m sticking to it!)

I see nothing wrong with this picture.

6. Take care of your feet. I love sporting high heels on occasion, but my days of countless hours in stilettos or shoes that look adorable but feel like the foot equivalent of labor pain are over. One of my odder modeling/acting gigs involved standing in for other actresses in the name of movie advertisement. My legs, arms and butt have appeared on numerous actresses’ bodies. One such gig led me to walk around all day long in shoes a full two sizes too small. My feet haven’t been the same since. We look and feel lovelier when we wear comfortable shoes. If you’re going to wear heels, spend a bit more money on podiatrist-approved brands, such as Dana Davis. Even flats and low-heeled shoes should be well-made and comfy.

7. Invest in high-quality hair and skin products. It’s easy feel tempted by 99-cent shampoos and $5 makeup, but they may cost us significantly more in other ways. Most cheap cosmetics, personal care items and hair products contain preservatives called parabens. These chemicals cause hair and skin dryness and may pose health risks. While additional research is needed, parabens may disrupt hormonal balance and mimic estrogen, acccording to the Environmental Working Group, which is believed to promote breast cancer in some women. For these reasons and because they tend to contain more fortifying ingredients, organic and paraben-free brands rock. I’m personally a fan of AVEDA and Burt’s Bees products. You can buy them in bulk on Amazon.

We don’t need to go THIS far.

8. Try to sleep well. And when you don’t, SPOON! Sleep is like an instant (well 7.5-hour) makeover! When we don’t sleep well or enough, it shows in our skin, our posture, our eyes—everywhere. Aiming for healthy sleep habits—turning in and waking and routine times, sleeping in a dark, comfy room, etc.—goes a long way. As for spooning, cuddling up with your partner is definitely better than frustrated insomnia—but there’s another use for spoons. When a lack of sleep causes your eyes to puff up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, soak a spoon in ice water, then rest it on your lids. Models use it all the time, and it works.

9. Eat sexy foods! Whole foods such as fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, seeds and fish help ensure ample nutrient intake, promote positive moods, appetite and weight control, guard against inflammation, support a healthy libido (3 cheers for that sexy glow!) and make way for radiant hair and skin. Rather than diet or focus on what not to eat (which work against us), consider ways to up the whole-food ante in your lifestyle. For maximum benefits, remember to eat appropriate amounts (we should feel modest amount of hunger before meals and satisfied, but not stuffed after), stay well-hydrated and make eating a pleasurable experience. For more tips, check out my earlier post, Foods for Better Sex.

Mmmm…..

10. Exercise. Exercise provides far more beautifying benefits than calorie burn. An active lifestyle is known to boost body image and self-esteem and make us more attractive to others—even promptly after we workout. Exercise can also improve our posture and, by increasing circulation, facilitate healthier skin. Fit folks also produce stronger sex hormones (WOO HOO!) and sleep better than inactive folks. Aim for moderate, routine activity, doing your best to make it fun.

Any of these tips strike you? What healthy steps do you take to look your best? Where could you improve? What fashion rule do you love breaking? I love hearing from you!Post a comment below for a chance to win a Girl Boner magnet. I’ll be giving 1 away per post and announcing the winners at the end of October. Your chances are good! To see what the logo looks like, pop over to the Girl Boner Facebook page. ♥

Blog Comment Specialness and Link Party!

“Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.” – Aristotle

Bourchercon is going on this weekend, and I’m not there. I’d be lying if I said that I was fine and dandy with that. It’s the first genre-specific conference I attended, after my brilliant friend Robert Ward demanded I go, and I’ve been in love ever since. I hadn’t yet started blogging (Wait… Life existed before then?!?), and where I learned the value of being submersed in a community who accepts, encourages and seems to truly get you.

My bit of blah has reminded me of my favorite perks of social media: friendships and community. From the time I started pursuing writing professionally until late 2011 B.B. (before blogging), I found myself in lonely slumps every so often. I was happy overall, mind you—more gratified by my creative and professional life than ever before. I still am. But even the most wondrous life events can’t fulfill us without cherished connectedness with others; I finally get that.

When those slumps occurred back then, writing seemed like necessary medicine and an escape. It was truthfully, at best, a temporary fix and a distraction. Everything benefits from connectedness with others, our work included. That’s where you all come in. While there’s no substitute for in-person mingling, I no longer have to wait months or more to feel a sense of community.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth articulating again. I’m crazy grateful for the support, friendships and interaction social media provides. You all are a special breed of awesome! There have been countless times when I’ve felt a bit down or frustrated about one of life’s bumps and someone (likely one of you!) on the inter-web uplifted me—often without have a clue that they did so. Difficult happenings seem more tolerable when we share them. Good news morphs into magnificence. And those of us who spend a heck of a lot of time working solo can rest easy, knowing we’re part of something spectacular—a community of likeminded, like-hearted people who have our backs.

Sure, social media also brings challenges. We’re just as likely to run into heated debates and rudeness as we are in “real” life. Sometimes it’s worse, as people feeling somewhat anonymous may spout out nastiness they’d never say to your face. But as with the rest of the world, we can choose what we focus on, and whatever we choose grows. Add to that the fact that we tend to attract people with commonalities, and I’d say that the social media world is a pretty dang magical place.

On Monday, I noticed that I’d received my 10,000th blog comment. The person who posted it is special for numerous reasons. Though we’ve never met in person, I consider him a pal. He’s friendly and supportive, has a keen sense of humor and posted one of my most cherished comments to date a while back. I hope I’m not embarrassing him by sharing it, but I think you’ll see why I value it so much:

Comments like these are fuel! Thank you, David.

*reaches for tissues* See what I mean??? David also has a blog you should all check out if you haven’t, and a brand-spankin’ new release! I hope you’ll pop by his blog living room and say hello. You can also follow him on twitter: @davidnwalkertx.

And now…

LET’S PARTY!

To take the celebration further, I’d like to have a little link-share party. To participate, post one link you’d like to promote in the comments below. (More than one will send your comment to spam-land, and that’s no place to party.)

You have two options: Share a blog post of your own that made you laugh, smile or SQUEEEE!, due to the post itself or people’s comments. Or share a post you read that totally made your day—then let that person know you did so. Then stick around or pop back later to check out others’ links and keep the support and fun flowing!

Thanks again to ALL of you for the continual support! The fact that you take time out of your day to consider my thoughts and words then share your own means more than I can say. To the many more of you who don’t post comments or interact with me elsewhere, please know that you mean just as much! It’s many writers’ dream to have their words and stories not only in existence, but read. You are magic. ♥