August McLaughlin's Blog, page 68

Sex and the Single Girl: Permission to Want

If you’d asked me what I wished for before moving to Los Angeles, I would’ve rattled off numerous dreams. Never did I imagine that sex-as-a-single-girl would become one of them.

I was in my mid-20s and had moved to the film mecca from Miami, where I’d transitioned from full-time model to model/actress and from married/lonely to single/fulfilled. Prior to that, I’d been a serial monogamist, dating serious boyfriend after serious boyfriend since high school. More recently, I’d overcome a severe eating disorder. A confidence comes from stepping into yourself and feeling passionately connected to your path after years of murky grey. Acting had felt like the reward for hardships overcome, fulfilling me in a way nothing previously had. I no longer needed therapy, vices or, I’d decided, men.

“I won’t marry again until I’m at least 40,” I told friends, not desiring a relationship for what seemed like the first time ever. I could do single, I thought. And adore it. But while passionate career and creative pursuits provide a lot, they don’t supply everything. (Take sex, for example…)

My enthusiasm paired with luck landed me a meeting with a mega theatrical agency within days of my arrival to Tinsel Town. They took me on and invited me to a dinner party—10 celebrities, an esteemed screenwriter, two agents and little ‘ol barely-had-a-headshot me.

The party I attended just before moving to LA was a far cry from Hollywood glam. (I wanted to use photos from that night but my GB supervisor said no. Blah!)

The entire evening seemed surreal, from wining and dining with Hollywood elite to talking shop with actors who’d “made it” as we hopped from one hot spot to the next. Cassie,* a woman I met that night, remains a dear friend today. “What do you mean you went home after? You know you could’ve had any one of them, right?” she asked during a phone chat the next day.

Huh? Had them, as in…sex? Sleeping with virtual strangers, much less their interest in the notion, hadn’t crossed my mind. I laughed Cassie’s question off, but didn’t forget it.

As time passed, history began to repeat itself. I sensed a void, a longing for companionship. But I didn’t want a boyfriend… Did I? Closing my eyes, I imagined what I actually wanted. If I could wave a magic wand, I would... Cassie’s words resurfaced: “You know you could’ve had any of of them…”

Woah.

I wanted SEX.

A virtual room-full of lightbulbs flashed on, illuminating my track record of relationships gone by: the accountant I had to be tipsy to have fun with, the chain-smoking rocker with opposite-me values, the man I barely knew, yet had married. I’d met a variety of men during times of longing, and ended up in lackluster relationships. Being the good girl I’d perceived myself to be, sex had always required a relationship.

What would happen if I prioritized pleasure and self-honesty over being “good?” I decided to find out. (For those of you wondering about the M-word, stay tuned for another post.)

A short time later, I arrived to a casual lunch date with sex on the brain. I found myself sitting up taller, flirting uncontrollably with my eyes, imagining what I hoped would unfold. Within hours, it did. He took me to his hotel room and…took me in a way I’d never experienced. The intoxicating unfamiliarity and our mutual passion inspired overwhelming physical want and play. We were friends fulfilling each other’s needs, caught up in the now, giving and receiving without expectations of more. I left feeling whole again, enlivened and surprisingly relieved.

That marked the beginning of an empowering, pleasure-filled single time. Giving myself permission to enjoy sex minus emotional ties or commitment changed everything socially. The slightest glance or verbal exchange could send my Girl Boner reeling. Subtle touches, alluring cologne, strong arms, soulful eyes and choice conversations became aphrodisiacs paving the way to foreplay. For the first time I understood what it must feel like to be a young man, expected—arguably encouraged—to see breasts, butts and opportunities more prominently than souls, spirits or relationship potential. I also learned the importance of moderation and that even in a sex-driven climate like Los Angeles nightlife, feelings can be hurt—men’s, too.

While I don’t believe that sexually explorative single time is important for all women, I’m grateful for the experience and what it taught me:

When we’re secure in our bodies and happy in our lives, sexual desire and confidence are practically inevitable.
Sexual pleasure—derived from safe behavior—is an important aspect of physical and emotional health, whether we’re single or not.
Our bodies are capable of insanely awesome, gratifying and intoxicating experiences.
Adventurousness and curiosity enhance sex if we let them.
Assuming we’re healthy, it’s perfectly fine to desire sex however we prefer it, as seldom or frequent as we see fit.
Encouraging ourselves to desire and enjoy sexual pleasure is a beautiful, empowering gift.

“The pursuit of pleasure is the central force that motivates sexual behavior,” says Terri Conley, a researcher and assistant professor of psychology and women’s studies at the University of Michigan. She came to this conclusion after analyzing recent studies on sexuality and gender, which also showed that men and women are equally likely to desire and engage in casual sex, given the opportunity.

Similarly, if we aren’t comfortable pursuing or savoring sexual pleasure, we won’t be motivated to seek it. When it becomes available, a disinterest in pleasure can keep us from growing aroused. Think about that for a moment: a disinterest in pleasure. The fact that humans are made to want to experience sexual pleasure goes to show how intensely negative emotions, beliefs and attitudes can function as barriers.

As we near Thanksgiving, I’m intensely grateful for Girl Boners. (Shocker, I know. ) I’m also grateful for everyone who embraces them, and for the freedom to discuss them openly here. We are blessed to live in a day and culture in which female sexuality can be accepted and celebrated. The more we take advantage of these gifts, the more abundant they’ll become. If sexual freedom or all-things-Girl Boner make your “I’m grateful for…” feast proclamation this year, I’d love to hear about it.

If this is your first time visiting my Girl Boner series, feel free to check out Girl Boner: An Introduction and Girl Boner: The Female Body, Turned ON for more details.

I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts. Have you enjoyed sexually explorative single time? Or learned similar lessons I did another way? What sex-related experience or advice are you most thankful for? All respectful thoughts and beliefs are welcome. ♥

Love Your Book? Choose A Great Cover

“Writing a novel… Now THAT’s hard,” my friend Phil said to me recently.

Phil is a neurologist. He’s brilliant enough to understand the inner-workings of the brain and that carving a creative path isn’t easy. To those of us who adore the process, however, it’s worth every brain cell and glucose molecule required.

Brains = Beauty

As many of you know, LOVE has been a theme in my life lately. Deciding to self-publish and related happenings have left me punch-drunk exhilarated. Thanks to Steena Holmes, indie author and graphic/book artist extraordinnaire, my latest heart swell derived from developing my cover—one of the most valuable ways we authors have of showing our work some love.

Having complete control over book covers is a huge benefit of self-publishing. It’s also one of the most important factors separating successful indie-authors and those whose books scarcely see the light of day.

The biggest giveaway that one is dealing with a self-published book is a poorly designed cover, says thriller author and executive editor of CNET David Carnoy, which is too often the case. Traditionally published books with ineffective covers also do poorly. Whether we like it or not, it’s human nature to judge books by their covers.

“Studies show that you have 12 seconds—in a bookstore—to turn a browser into a buyer… Covers are the way that we attract buyers.” — Midwest Book Review

Imagine how much more significant book covers are online, where we can view ten, twenty or more at once.

Choices, choices…

Stories we put our hearts, minds, souls and sweat into should appear as valuable as they are. Because my graphic “art” skills are limited to making faces, coloring text and cropping photos, I knew that my cover decision would require serious research and expert insight. Here’s a handful of tips I learned in the process.

7 Tips for Choosing a Great Cover

1. Sit in your story. Close your eyes and think of your book without judgment. If you’re like me, an image (or images) and mood will surface. I carried this habit over from acting to writing, and most recently to choosing my cover.

2. Browse many covers. Go to Google images, Amazon or Barnes and Noble and peruse covers in your genre. Which ones stand out? Turn you off? Which would you buy? It can be tough to convey all we desire to a designer. Having an example can help us formulate our vision and relay it to others.

3. Hire someone awesome! If you’re artistically inclined, you may not want or need help. Otherwise, a fantastic, experienced designer can help ensure cover-creating success. If my book were a Christmas tree, Steena Holmes added lights and a star.

4. Make sure it looks fabulous small. With readers buying continually more books via iPads, smart phones and e-readers, it only makes sense that our covers look sharp as thumbnails.

5. Avoid clutter. Using one main image, not cluttering up the background and using readable, pleasing-to-the-eye font can help accomplish number four. And let’s face it. Clutter is generally unappealing. (Yeah, that funky bed I suggested Steena add? Not so much.)

6. Seek input from qualified others. I asked trusted friends and professionals who are familiar with my novel for their thoughts on my cover along the way. Sharing our covers with the masses too soon could confuse, frustrate or lead us astray. Agents, publishers, artists and experienced authors make valuable choices.

7. Go with your gut. While others’ opinions can help tremendously, choosing a cover that pleases others but doesn’t sit well with us isn’t wise. As with all aspects of writing, I believe that our instincts know best. Like deciding on Mr./Mrs. Right, you “just know.”

When I saw this rendition, the little voice at the back of my head yelped, YES! I’m delighted with it, and hope my readers will be too.

IN HER SHADOW will pre-release in December and officially release in January. I can’t WAIT to share the fun with you all.

Steena has a brand spankin’ new book, Dear Jack… A Finding Emma Novella, out TODAY! I’m eager to read the heart-wrenching, hope-filled story, told through love letters. I hope you’ll check it out, too.

What book covers resonate with you? Any design tips to add? Experiences to share? I love hearing from you. ♥