August McLaughlin's Blog, page 67

Reassuring Facts for the Creatively Compulsive

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Me, “sleeping”

It happens every year. Leading up to Christmas, I shift into maniacal work mode, as though saving up for time off I claim to be desperate for. Meanwhile, thoughts of curry feasts, bubble baths, peppermint spiced cocoa, hang-time with family and generally partying like the holiday obsessed kid I still am keep me giddy. In recent years, I’ve also claimed that I rest enough, busy or not.

The break adoration and sufficient rest bits? Questionable. While I definitely prioritize both more in recent years, having learned that R&R benefits everything from moods to work quality, my e-book release may have tinkered with that ever so significantly slightly…

On December 26th, while at my parents’ place in Minne-snowda, the combo of overwork and giddiness sent me plummeting from spazmo to sick in a snap. This year my family nearly replied to my sniffling, shivering tankage in unison: “You always get sick after Christmas.”

Oh yeah… At least I didn’t un-eat curry on an elderly woman at Woolworth’s this time, I reminded them, to which their eyes rolled harder. Compulsivity isn’t always pretty, but it can be if channeled appropriately.

The difference a day makes

If you’re one who has a tougher time pressing pause than start, I hope you find the following tidbits as comforting as I do.

5 Reassuring Facts for the Creatively Compulsive

1. We’re not alone. Being creatively compulsive can feel lonely, particularly around others who don’t understand. The truth is, many artists function similarly. Connecting through social media or in person with fellow compulsives can remove the edge from lonely feelings. Same for simply realizing that they’re there.

2. Breaks help more than we realize. I’m not the only compulsive in my family. My brother, a visual artist, can be too. Before heading home, we both work like crazy then bring work with us. Once we arrive, our work usually sits in our respective rooms while we chill elsewhere. Post visit, it benefits hugely. If you’re not compulsive, starting is probably toughest. If you are, it’s the stepping into relax time that’s daunting. When it hurts, remind yourself that respite and work are equally important.

3. It’s okay to have an on/off switch. In an interview with Oprah, Simon Cowell shared that he works like a maniac in the midst of projects, then slogs around in a moody, sleepy state for some time after. Bestselling thriller author David Baldacci writes like mad then takes total off time , according to his ThrillerFest talk last year. Daily word count goals and structured time slots work well for many. As compulsives, we’re more likely to have on/off switches, or low, high and highest gears. As long as we can turn them on and off when necessary, we’re gold.

4. Doing what we love isn’t selfish. Doing anything we enjoy can seem selfish, but following our passions makes us stronger individuals, partners, society members and friends. If we’re compelled to write, even during an “inopportune” times, such as during a family getaway, doing so might help us more than the hurt we’d cause by stifling it. When the desire strikes, tell your loved ones you need some craft time. Then if possible, claim it. Even small doses can help. For me, waking up early to write during busy life times is key.

5. Healthy compulsivity pays off. Unlike creative compulsive disorder and hypergraphia, two debilitating conditions, a healthy amount of compulsiveness wisely utilized can facilitate prolificness. Agatha Christie, the world’s bestselling mystery novelist, wrote 69 novels and 19 plays. “The best time to plan a book is while you’re doing the dishes,” she said. It seems that compulsivity and breaks served her well. Regardless of how long it takes to complete our work, intense passion and overwhelming desire to create are gifts to be cherished.

How about you? Are you creatively compulsive? Any challenges, success stories or pointers to share?

My Birthmas Wish and E-Release NEWS!

Dreams shouldn’t have ceilings. Lucky for me, my parents never imposed them.

Some things haven’t changed since I was 6.

This Sunday marks my 34th birthday—birthmas, as I like to call it. Each year for as long as I can remember, I’ve asked myself whether I’ve earned the numerical upgrade. If I’ve prodded further toward my dreams, the answer is yes, this year being no exception. With the release of my first novel underway, I’m feeling exceptionally grateful, particularly since a few months ago, publishing seemed far off.

When I was deciding whether to go the indie-with-an-agent publishing route, my dear friend Bill posted a blog comment that struck me straight in the heart:

Remember the big benefit concert you and your band mate put on, oh, 16 years ago, with a bunch of different local bands? I remember it because that was the first time, out of very many, that I was like, “holy ****, this person is my age, and she decides she wants to do things and just goes out and…like…DOES them!” So, yeah. I don’t know whether I could ever have the willpower or drive to do everything a self-publisher needs to do, and I know for a fact that most people don’t, but I’m pretty sure you’ll rock it in your usual way.

While I was already leaning heavily toward self-publishing, Bill reminded me of a vow I made at the ripe young age of 15. My mother was enduring a brutal battle with depression related to horrific abuse she experienced as a child. A friend in my church’s youth group had been kicked down the stairs by her abusive mother. And my best friend, Kellie, and I had recently learned to play guitar.

These events collided when Kellie and I took a dream I’d had about a song called Matarrah Taray as a sign. The otherwise nonexistent phrase quickly became a real song, the names of our beater guitars (mine Matarrah, hers Taray) and the title of a regional benefit concert to spread awareness regarding child abuse.

Matarrah

Many people deemed our mission sweet, but unrealistic. Fueled up with others’ skepticism and passion for the cause, we worked harder, producing press kits, a pasta charity dinner and local coffee house gigs featuring none-other-than us, while talking non-stop about all of it. Gradually, people started paying attention, and no longer in “That’s so cute!” type ways. We were featured in the morning news, a PBS documentary and the Minneapolis Star Tribune, and sang the national anthem at a Minnesota Twins game dedicated to non-violence. Matarrah Taray became a two-year anti-child abuse campaign, culminating in a 16-band concert. In 1996, Kellie and I were awarded the Minnesota Peace Prize for our efforts.

You know what strikes me the most about the experience to this day? The vast number of people who described our “youthful” enthusiasm and belief that anything’s possible, notions they seemed to believe that everyone inevitably outgrows. At one point, I borderline scolded a reporter for referencing our “childlike fervor.” We’ll NEVER stop believing, I told her. Ever. Growing up doesn’t necessitate settling for non-starry skies. I still believe that.

While the accolades were lovely and we raised valuable funds and awareness for a worthy cause, Kellie and I benefitted most. Of the lessons I learned, my favorites still apply today:

Genuine goals and dreams are never foolish.
Goals and dreams are only meaningless if we withhold them.
People will listen (and stuff happens) if we speak up loudly and long enough.
Passion trumps know-how, though both are important.
Support and skepticism can function as high-grade fuel.
Music and words can change the world, if not the whole world, someone’s.
There’s no point in stopping dreaming and endless promise in keeping on.

Creating fiction, poetry, music, performance or visual art when our hearts say DO is among the most admirable and important work anyone can accomplish. Publishing our work traditionally or independently when our hearts say DO can turn “childlike” dreams into reality. Dreams are only meaningless when we withhold them.

My birthmas wish is that all of you reading this will take a step toward your wildest dreams. Step into your authentic self and do something awesome. (If you report back later, I’ll bake you a healthy cake.)

I’d also like to extend special thanks to my friends, family, mentors and readers for helping my most recent dream come true. My first novel hit the e-shelves this week! Talk about surreal…

If you’d like to purchase or otherwise support In Her Shadow by sharing links or “liking,” visit:

In Her Shadow on Amazon.com (Kindle version)

August McLaughlin on Amazon.com (my author page)

In Her Shadow on GoodReads

Thanks in advance for any support. ♥ If I can cheer you and your ventures on, please let me know.

***My official release, including the paperback, will take place in January. We’re going to party hardy!***

I’d LOVE to hear from you. What dream are you striving for? If you have trouble conjuring an answer, complete one of the following sentences: If I weren’t afraid (or alternate negative adjective), I would ______________________. If I could take a magic wand to my life, I would _______________________. What extra dream-seeking step are you willing to take? If still nothing pops to mind, I hope you’ll stay open to the possibilities.

#GirlBoner Resolutions: 25 Sex Goals Worth Setting

Whether we love, loathe or trudge through them, the holidays are a prime time for reflection. One year comes to a close, opening a brand new one. What appears beyond that door relies largely on our choices. While I’ve never been big on New Year’s resolutions, I embrace any opportunity to examine the then and now with striver’s eyes.

What can we do to live better? Bolder? Happier? What are we willing to face, change, sacrifice or embrace? These questions paired with action can make the hum drum extraordinary, the pretty-darn-good freaking awesome and, if the masses partake, the whole world a better place. What does this have to do with Girl Boner?

Everything.

Sex is so much more than intercourse or procreation. Here at Girl Boner Central, we believe that sexuality is as prevalent in the air we breathe and the music in our hearts as it is in our doings (or not doings) between the sheets. When we deny sexual aspects of ourselves, which too many women sadly do, we’ve little hope of living or loving to the fullest.

As we head into 2013, I hope you’ll consider the sexual goddess you are.

Goddesses come in all shapes and styles.

Girl Boner Goals Worth Setting

While different GB strokes work for different folks (I ♥ puns!), the following resolutions can help increase Girl Boner gusto, sexual pleasure and overall wellness. If a better sex life makes your wish list, you may want to…

1. …talk about sex! More often, openly or honestly with your partner or trusted friends.

2. …masturbate—at all or more often.

3. …experiment with sex toys or other forms of sexual play.

4. …learn to embrace your body as is.

5. …strive for more orgasms, or any.

6. …seek your G-spot! You’ll know what to do next.

7. …explore erotica.

8. …stop telling yourself you’re too ________ (old, fat, boring, ugly…).

9. …look at your vagina with a hand held mirror. Study and explore its beauty.

10. …take an inventory of your sex life. (We can’t hope to improve that which we don’t acknowledge.)

11. …fantasize, boldly. Put safe ones into play.

12. …stop dieting.

13. …prioritize your sexual wellness. Make that overdue gyno appointment.

14. …read sexually empowering books and magazines.

15. …say ‘yes’ more often to your partner, if you tend to decline.

16. …prioritize sleep.

17. …exercise routinely, and work those sex muscles!

18. …pamper yourself for less sex-preventing stress.

19. …sensualize your bedroom.

20. …let yourself think like a stereotypical man now and then. Fantasize. Undress attractive others with your eyes. Give yourself permission to want. (I stole this one from Oprah Magazine.)

21. …have sensual photos taken.

22. …vajazzle! (Huh, you say? Read this post by Natalie Hartford.) You could also try a bikini wax or other grooming techniques.

23. …stop faking orgasms.

24. …empower yourself by seeking support from a qualified expert, such as a sex therapist.

25. …pursue your passions in life.

One of my goals is to make Girl Boner-land as aroused, empowering and engaging as possible. Toward that end, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Take Our Poll

We’ll delve further into the above listed items down the road. In the meantime, any thoughts or questions about them? Which strike a chord with you? What else would you like to find in Girl Boner-land?

Stealing Jesus

With Christmas mere steps away, I thought I’d share a story I posted last year with a dedication to my sister, Cora. She’s a major reason the holidays and reminiscing are so joyous and, in this example, hilarious.

*****

Regardless of how we spend them, the holidays draw up memories—some wonderful, some we’d rather forget and some that just keep getting funnier…

Santa’s cryogenic facelift

I don’t recall many details about the day I stole Jesus. But since I was in high school, it was probably like most winter days. I awoke to the sound of my mother’s voice, munched on toast in a fog then slipped on the ice en route to catch the bus. *winces from phantom butt ache* Come dusk, after more fogginess known as classes, I went to my friend Andrea’s house to meet with my Odyssey of the Mind team. (If you’re unfamiliar with OM, think math team for creatives.) There, I woke up.

Beck’s “I’m a loser baby…” hummed from the stereo while we dined on doughnuts and M&Ms in preparation for the evening’s events. Tonight we would do a scavenger hunt, Andrea explained. In O.M., making practice activities as difficult as possible was key, particularly since our sights were set on state competition and beyond. Toward this end, Baby Jesus appeared on my search list.

Numerous of my teammates were atheists, the equivalent of devil worship in the eyes of my strict, Baptist grandparents. I’d spent the summer organizing benefit concerts to raise awareness about child abuse, for which I was made co-recipient of the Minnesota Peace Prize. In other words, I was a goody-goody supreme, not someone predictably comfy with Jesus-nabbing.

To worsen matters, I couldn’t yet drive and the only Jesus in the neighborhood was real, and not in a Second Coming type way. Mary and Joseph’s breath made frozen white puffs in the air and the little tyke in the manger wasn’t plastic.

Definitely out of the question…

Crap, I thought, unable to even think cuss words yet, much less state them. Then I had an idea. I’d call a friend, hitch a ride to my house and borrow the plastic, light-up Jesus from the nativity scene in the yard. My family was asleep, I figured; no one would miss him for a few hours. And besides, couldn’t the little dude use some respite? As far as I knew, he hadn’t even rested on a Sunday.

The call, ride and borrow went smoothly. With the mission accomplished, I returned to Andrea’s house. The gang fell speechless as I presented every item on my list, including the almighty savior. Sure, I’d found a creative solution—one of the O.M. pillars. But far more remarkable was the fact that I, Ms. Goody Two Shoes, stole him, presumably from a stranger’s yard. And seemed not only fine with it, but pleased.

Hours later, exhausted and high from sugar, creative tricks and camaraderie, we called it a night and a teammate drove me home.

The next morning I woke to sounds best suited to nightmares. Muffled crying. Serious voices. Something terribly wrong. I jolted upright: Cora? Listening closer, I had no doubt. My youngest sister was upset. Really upset. Before I could rush downstairs to soothe her, she said something I’ll never forget: “But Mom, why would someone steal Baby Jesus?”

The word crap no longer seemed strong enough. @$%#! I forgot Jesus!

I snuck into my parents’ room and phoned Andrea then held my breath as she searched to no avail: Jesus wasn’t there. @#$@#$#&$#@$!!!

I sat paralyzed in my room, scrambling for what to do. My parents’ angst-filled voices echoed through the hallway, their disappointment surely due more to Cora’s heartache than the missing figure. What my team didn’t know was that amidst my recent good-doings, I’d been picked up by the cops (for skipping class with a friend, leading our parents to believe we’d been abducted) and gotten in trouble for other…*clears throat* …things. Seeing my sisters’ sad faces as the cop car pulled into the driveway that day had been too much. I couldn’t disappoint Cor, or any of them, again.

I spent the day working up the courage to confess while the term “finding Christ” took on a whole new meaning.

That night, still Jesus-less and lost for an alternate plan, I heard my mom and Cor praying for the bad person who took him.

Tomorrow, I decided. I would spill everything tomorrow.

I woke the next morning to brighter sounds. Sing song chatter. Laughter. Cora’s voice, now chipper: “It’s a Christmas miracle!”

Tears filled my eyes once I realized what had happened. The teammate who’d driven me home from Andrea’s had tucked baby Jesus back in his bed. My sister’s joy almost made the ordeal worthwhile.

Deeming my shame and frustration punishment enough, and not wishing to taint my sister’s “miracle” or opinion of me, I kept the truth to myself until last year when my dear husband outed me. I’m glad he did, as the laughter it’s brought up since is a near holiday in itself.

That Christmas, plug-in Jesus shed light on a few things. While the truth may set us free, happy outcomes sometimes pan out regardless. Pausing to think/panic may enhance those results. And perhaps the ‘good’ in Goody Two Shoes speaks solely of her intentions, and her walk isn’t pristine, but creative.

*****

So, how about you? Steal any religious icons lately? Any holiday hilarity to share? Do tell. I adore hearing from you, HONEST.

#GirlBoner Gifts and Sex Toy Basics

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Some gifts just keep…on….giving.

Like many women, it took me a while to figure these particular gifts out.

If you’ve been following my Girl Boner series, you know that after years as a serial monogamist, going from one serious relationship to another, I allowed myself sexually explorative single-time in Los Angeles. I knew my habits were bordering on excessive when my friend “Cassie,” a celebrity’s daughter with a never ending virtual black book, suggested I cool it down.

“You don’t need to have sex so…often,” she told me during one of our countless girl-talk/no-carb meatloaf fests. “Use your vibrator.”

I laughed and squirted ketchup on the pseudo-yucko food. “Right...”

Silence. Squinty-eyed stare. “Tell me you have have a vibrator,” she said.

I couldn’t. I didn’t. And Cassie isn’t one to let things slide…

That same week, I’d started a part-time job as a film producer’s assistant. The flexible hours, wages and free board in a gorgeous Hollywood hills home with two other female assistants seemed dandy. Truth be told, I took the job largely because of my room—a Victorian mansion-style library with books from floor to sky-high ceiling. *book boner* I should’ve known it was too good to be true…

My second day on the job, the producer had a chair-throwing temper tantrum over a misplaced file. When the anger turned toward me, I gathered my things and fled.  The next day, the producer called me, apologized for his behavior, told me he’d received my package and asked me to dinner.

His package? So offset by him and the invitation, I declined and hung up without inquiring. When I detailed the happenings to Cassie, she flipped out. The delivery he’d received and presumably opened had been sent to me, with love from Cassie: a hot pink, buzzing Eroto-Rabbit and vibrator starter kit.

Agh! That was the beginning of a rather lengthy, sporadic sex toy pursuit. Once I finally owned and began using them, I understood Cassie’s reaction. Big time. Wow. I mean… WOW.

What matters about the story is this:

Personal sexuality is an ever evolving journey. Whether we become sexually explorative early, come about growth through awkward means or begin stepping out of comfortable zones decades-plus in, there are adventures, new experiences and deeper pleasure and intimacy to be had. Like other significant aspects of our lives, sexuality shouldn’t be ignored or wrought with complacency.

Perhaps your sex life is chock-full of WOW. If not, or even if it is, sex toys can add joy to the holidays and beyond. While they can’t replace intimate connections with human beings, they can enhance them and teach us about our bodies in ways no sex ed class could.

Sex Toys 101: The Three Most Common for Women

Vibrators

As the name suggests, vibrators are electronic sex toys that help us rattle our way to pleasure and orgasm. The most common varieties stimulate the clitoris, or “joy button,” located between the inner-vaginal lips. Originally invented to treat hysteria (i.e., emotional sensitivity and mood swings related to deprivation) during the Victorian era, vibrators are one of the best ways to experience intense pleasure and arousal, says Dr. Laura Berman.

A vibrating threesome of pleasure

Dildos

If you’ve dreamed of having more than one penis to play with or one of your desired shape and size to use while masturbating, dildos may be your bedroom BFF. They’re shaped like penises and function similarly stimulation-wise. They also come in a variety of sizes and materials, and may provide special features, such as vibration. This dildo, the Sexflesh Devilish Darren with a suction cup, sells for $18 on Amazon.

Your own personal penis

G-spot Stimulators

The G-spot is an area on the front of the vaginal wall, about one to two inches within. Not all women have one, but if you do, aye carumba. It’s worth…nurturing. Stimulating the G-spot and clitoris simultaneously is known to facilitate multiple, mind-blowing orgasms in some women. Dr. Berman recommends G-spot stimulator play as a useful way to find your G-spot. Simply insert it in your vagina and let the fun-filled search begin. You can purchase the Don Wand Bent Glass Pleasure Wand goes for $16 on Amazon.

For lovin’ your OMG-spot

**If you don’t experience vaginal G-spot orgasms, fret not. We’re all different and can experience pleasure in a variety of unique and wonderful ways.

10 Sexy Stocking Stuffers:

Based on my research, the following gifts could make your Girl Boner sparkle this holiday season. (If you don’t celebrate Christmas, even better. There’s only so much one can fit in a stocking…)

1. The Liptrick Speaking of stealth sex on the go, this vibrator is disguised as lipstick! It’s perfect for holiday travel while in proximity of nosy relatives and luggage inspectors. $26.50 Amazon.com

2. Sensual Essence Gel Lubricants can help expedite and enhance arousal and guard against pain. This gel is odorless, tasteless and paraben-free. It’s also a convenient size for traveling. $12.95 MyPleasure.com

3. His and Hers Pleasure Rings Fun for couples, this vibrating set is cute, quiet, easy to clean and non-intimidating. $34.95 MyPleasure.com

4. Pink Kink Tickling Kit If you watched 40 Days and 40 Nights and wondered if you, too, could orgasm from the sensual play of a flower laced over your body, this kit is for you. The blindfold and soft, “tickle” whip seem like valuable options, particularly if prefer the notion of tickle-torture to conventional whips. $28 Babeland.com

5. Vibrating Panties Based on the description, they could be worth the hefty price tag. A hidden pocket holds a clitoral stimulator, which can be operated by remote control from up to 12 feet away. For a larger than size 10, adjustable option, check out these Booty Parlor Turn Me On Panties. $89.95 MyPleasure.com

6. American Whopper Dong with Harness Okay, not the sexiest name. But a little role reversal can really spice things up. Entre strap ons. Use the dildo on its own or strap it on for pleasure with your partner. $39.95 Adam&Eve.com

7. XXXopoly If you’re looking for a fun way to turn up the heat without coming up with the ideas and suggestions, this game will well worth a larger stocking. Each space you land on dictates a sexual task, from kissing to intercourse. You’ll venture through a Red Light District, Hot and Heavy and Erotic cards, and probably won’t have to pass GO to get going. $34.95 Amazon.com

8. Edible Undies I can’t vouch for the flavor, but apparently it improves with licking. Hmm… $3.95 Dear-Lady.com

9. Naughty Lovers Pleasure Kit Being dominated is one of women’s most common sexual fantasies, says Dr. Kit Hilda Hutcherson, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University. This kit can ease you into bondage, starting with a dice game that leads to someone getting tied up, blindfolded and lightly whipped. $29.95 MyPleasure.com

10. Get Lucky Grab Bag If you’re feeling indecisive or prefer 100 percent surprise, opt for this goody bag, featuring expert-selected erections rings, dildos, lubricants, vibrators and more. MyPleasure.com $39.95 ($130 value)

Keep in mind that respect for yourself and others and healthy, safe sexual habits are some of the most precious gifts of all. Toward that end, wash toys with warm soapy water after use and read product packaging for additional care instructions.

For more sexy fun, including candy cane dildos, penis wrap and cookies gone wild (yowza!) check out Merry Hubby’s XXX Christmas on Natalie Hartford’s blog.

Your turn! About 45 percent of women admit to having used sex toys alone or with a partner, according to numerous studies. Are you among them? Planning to give or receive sensual gifts? Any funny, wacky or wonderful experiences to share? All respectful thoughts are welcome. ♥

Behind the Story: 10 Questions About My Novel

Where would writers be without supportive writer friends? I don’t even want to think about that. I’d rather think about Donna Galanti, the fabulous author who invited me to The Next Big Thing Blog Hop, a series designed to introduce readers to new authors and books.

Donna is the author of the paranormal suspense novel, A Human Element, which New York Times bestselling author Jonathan Maberry calls “an elegant and haunting first novel. Unrelenting, devious but full of heart.” To learn more, visit her website: http://www.donnagalanti.com.

To purchase A Human Element, visit:

Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/dg-the-Kindle

B&N: http://tinyurl.com/dg-he-Nook

iTunes: http://bit.ly/QXL8NS

10 Questions

The following questions and answers pertain to my first novel, which will pre-release this month and officially release in January. (Holy be-jeezus! *breathes into paper bag*)

Work in progress…

1: What is the title of your book? IN HER SHADOW

2: Where did the idea come from for the book? When I was 18 and working as an international model based in Paris, I nearly died of anorexia. IN HER SHADOW is loosely based on that experience.

3: What genre does your book come under? Psychological thriller

4: Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

Unknown actors, probably, although I could see Claire Danes playing the lead character, Claire Fiksen, and Ted Danson playing her nemesis.

5: What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? Stop with the synopsis insanity! Do you have any idea how many of various lengths I’ve had to conjure lately? Um, I mean… Wow. I’m SO GLAD you asked.

Here’s the back blurb:

One woman locked in a basement, nearing death and longing for escape. Another baffled by the inexplicable symptoms wreaking havoc on her life. Both are lost and alone, yet somehow connected. And time is running out…

Near the tenth anniversary of her parents’ unexpected death, Claire Fiksen, a lovely young Harvard-grad and gifted psychologist in Minnesota, develops bizarre symptoms of an eating disorder that threaten her fledgling career, her relationship with a handsome young medical student, her grasp on reality and, soon, her life.

When her beloved grandfather reveals that there may be more to her parents’ death than she’s realized, Claire’s pursuit of healing becomes a desperate search for answers as she delves into her family’s sordid past. Meanwhile, someone is watching her every move, plotting to draw her into his own twisted web of misery. Claire has something he needs, and he’ll stop at nothing to obtain it.

Every step Claire takes brings her closer to the truth and danger. And her life, she discovers, isn’t the only one at stake.

6: Is your book self-published, published by an independent publisher, or represented by an agency? It will be self-published in collaboration with my agency, Dystel & Goderich.

7: How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? Roughly one year and 300 workouts. (I do some of my best writing and editing at the gym.)

8: What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

That’s a toughie… I suppose if you blended Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, The Sixth Sense, Requiem for a Dream and Mary Higgins Clark’s work together, you might end up with an In Her Shadow-like smoothie.

9: Who or what inspired you to write this book? Life.

10: What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest? I like to think of IHS as a dark, suspenseful story that has the potential to inspire and provoke thought. It takes on some heady issues, including eating disorders and sexual violence, but it’s really a story about family, hope and survival—the lengths we will go for those we love. It also features some romance and an incredibly sweet dog.

Below you will find authors who will be joining me by blog next Wednesday, answering questions about their own novels. I ADORE these writers, and hope you’ll check out and bookmark their links. Happy reading!

1. Shannon Esposito

2. Steena Holmes

3. M.G. Miller

4. Ellie Ann Soderstrom

5. Alexandra Sokoloff

6. Bob Yehling

I’d also like to thank Gina Fava and Tameri Etherton for tagging me in TNBT Blog Hop earlier on, before I was ready to share. You both rock!

What project or work pursuit are you working on? Any additional questions for me, regarding my novel or anything else? I may not have all the answers, but I promise to try my darndest.

 

Go Go #GirlBoner! Sex Drive Boosters for Women

“Sex is emotion in motion.” — Mae West

One hopes. But for 38.7 percent of women, the primary sex-linked emotion is frustration, suggests research, because their sex drive has slowed to a halt.

Last week when we discussed the mega-perks of sexual play during the holidays, numerous of you inquired about low libido. “Sure, the benefits sound awesome,” you expressed. “But what if I have virtually no desire to go there?”

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“All I want for Christmas is a Girl Boner…”

When libido drops, sex can seem like a dreaded workout you engage in (or avoid) when every cell in your being screams, “NO!!!” What once tantalized can intimidate, perplex or disappoint and move from enjoyable to unworthy of your time and effort. The longer it’s skipped, the easier sex can be to bypass, but that’s working the wrong muscle. Sexual pleasure is an important aspect of physical and emotional wellness and a significant source of pleasure, stress relief, connectedness with ourselves and others, gratification and euphoria. Fortunately, much can be done to restore Girl Boner gusto.

While the occasional sex drive lull isn’t cause for alarm, says sex expert Dr. Laura Berman, symptoms that detract from our well-being and relationships are worth addressing. Here are some of the potential causes:

Hormones.Hormonal changes associated with menstruation, menopause and hormonal disorders, such as thyroid disease, can reduce sex drive.
Illnesses. Arthritis, cancer, hypertension, anxiety disorders, depression and other illnesses can hinder libido.
Medications. Antidepressants, birth control pills, anti-seizure medications and street drugs are well-known libido reducers.
Alcohol. While a bit of alcohol may help put us in the mood, too much can zap sex drive.
Pain. Pain can take the pleasure out of sex and, if it affects our genital tract, prevent us from achieving orgasm.
Sexual trauma. Women who’ve been sexually abused or raped often face libido problems.
Surgery. Surgeries involving our genital tract or breasts can minimize sexual function and desire.
Exhaustion. Lack of sleep, which affects 70 million Americans chronically, is a top libido killer.
Relationship strife. For many women, emotional connectedness plays a key role in sexuality, making relationship tumult a potential libido-tanker
Stress. Hectic schedules and lengthy to-do lists can make sex drive plummet.
Poor diet. Consuming too few calories or nutrients, particularly omega-3s, B-vitamins, iron or carbs, can disrupt blood sugar and hormone levels and contribute to low moods, weight gain, lethargy and libido loss. Eating too many refined grains, added sugars and unhealthy fats can have similar effects.
Poor body image and self esteem. This is a biggie. If we aren’t comfortable in our own skin or feel invaluable, the thought of being intimately touched, seen naked and experiencing sexual pleasure can horrify.

If you could snap your fingers and suddenly have the body of your dreams, how would your sex life be different?

A fact worth pondering…

Now for the fun stuff! Regardless of your age and experience level, one or more of the following may be just what you need to make Girl Boner gusto a happy given.*

10 Libido Boosters for Women

1. Read Cosmo—or other sexually empowering publications. A study published in the Psychology of Women Quarterly showed that reading Cosmopolitan magazine helps women believe that they are entitled to sexual satisfaction. (Yes, we are!) A little personal belief goes a long way.

2. Masturbate. Masturbation is the most common form of sexuality, despite many women’s inhibitions conversing about it. Routine masturbation can strengthen relationships with ourselves and partners, boost sexual confidence and reduce vaginal pain and dryness.

3. Explore toy-land. Whether used alone or with a partner, sex toys can provide a sense newness, adventure and creativity while bringing pleasure in a variety of ways. We’ll delve deeper into toys next week. In the meantime, MyPleasure.com is a fabulous resource. Sign up for their free, confidential newsletter for a free guide to introducing sex toys to your relationship and 10% off your first purchase. (I’m not an affiliate, just a fan.)

4. Ease up on yourself. It’s normal to experience libido peaks and lows. Every woman—every human—is sexually unique, and our needs and desires change throughout our lives. Getting overly worked up over a lower-than-desired sex drive can worsen matters. Take baby steps and be gentle with yourself.

5. Talk it out. Couples who communicate openly and honestly, including about sex, tend to maintain stronger emotional connections, says the Mayo Clinic, which facilitates better sex. Sharing your sexual likes and fantasies with your partner can be seriously awesome foreplay.

6. Eroticize! Reading erotic romance novels can effectively turn women on, says Steph Auteri, coauthor of 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex. And while porn is linked with reduced libido in men and women (more on this in a future post), erotic films can safely stimulate both genders. Erotica may also introduce you to turn-ons and scenarios you’ve yet to consider.

7. Prioritize playtime. If we don’t prioritize intimacy, it can fall to the wayside, particularly when libido is low. For some people, scheduling sex increases anticipation, making for a tantalizing turn on. Set aside private time to watch or read erotica while self-stimulating or a plan a steamy getaway with your partner.

8. Work those muscles! Physical activity increase sexual stamina, boosts body image, guards against low and anxious moods and increases libido. Sexual exercise can be equally important. If we don’t use it (our sexuality), we could lose it (our libido). Vaginal dryness is a common side effect of infrequent sex, which can lead to painful intercourse.

9. Eat well. The same diet that promotes heart-health, brain-health and weight control can enhance libido. Aim for a balanced diet that emphasizes nutritious carbs, such as whole grains, fruits and vegetables, lean proteins, such as fish, beans and tofu, and healthy fats, such as nuts, seeds and avocados. For more information, check out Foods for Better Sex.

10. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness, or paying attention to the here and now, allows us to absorb sights, sounds, flavors and other sensations with greater ease. It’s also known to minimize stress, prevent overeating, keep those bothersome to-do lists out of the bedroom and boost libido, says Dr. Jennifer Landa, physician and author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women.

*Be sure to discuss any serious or long-lasting issues with a qualified professional.

I’d love to hear from you. Which tip strikes a chord with you? Any challenges or success stories to share? Pointers to add? If you’d like to comment and remain anonymous, you’re welcome to. You can also drop me a message me via Facebook or Twitter. Anything you share will remain confidential—GB honors.

5 Simple, Healthy Holiday Treats

Don’t you just love quickies? Whoops, wrong series.

Kidding. Sort of…

I don’t know about you all, but this holiday season seems to be flying by, leaving me little time to bake up a storm in the kitchen. Rather than prepare my family’s traditional cardamom bread, which is scrumptious yet labor intensive, I’ve been relying on quick throw-it-together concoctions. The result? A healthy, happy, aromatic home and plenty of time for writing. And shopping. ‘Tis the season, right? Okay, I lied. I primarily shop online. But not for most groceries, of which you’ll need few for the following.

These recipes are far from gourmet, but they’re pretty darn tasty, if I may say so. They’re also healthier than your typical treats, making them a sweet tooth/wellness win-win, and require very little time and cleanup. *sigh* Just the sound of that last bit lifts my spirits…

Chocolate Banana Pudding

Ingredients:

12-oz package tofu

2 bananas, cut into chunks

1/4 cup sugar or honey

1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

Splash of soy milk (or any milk)

Pinch of cinnamon

Directions:

Combine all ingredients in a bowl or mixer. Blend until smooth, then chill in a pie pan or prepared crust for an hour or more. Top with whipped topping and fruit, if desired. Serves about 6.

Egg Nog Smoothie

Ingredients:

1 banana

1 cup eggnog

1/2 cup milk

1 cup plain or vanilla yogurt

1 Tbsp ground flaxseeds or walnuts

Optional addition: 1/4 cup pureed, unsweetened pumpkin

Directions:

Blend all ingredients together. Vwa-la! Serves 2.

Cinnamon Baked Pears

2 large pears, sliced

2 Tbsp butter or coconut oil, melted

2 Tbsp brown sugar

2 Tbsp whole wheat or almond flour

4 Tbsp old-fashioned oats

Pinch of cinnamon

Slivered almonds and ice cream (optional)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 F. Combine butter or coconut oil, brown sugar, flour, oats and cinnamon in a freezer bag. Shake to combine. Add pear slices to bag, and shake until they’re coated. Arrange coated pears on a baking sheet and bake for 15 to 30 minutes, or until cooked through and lightly golden. Serve plain or topped with vanilla ice cream and almonds. Serves 4.

Quick Apple Sauce (adapted from the Food Network’s recipe)

Ingredients:

3 sweet apples, peeled, cored and quartered

3 tart apples, peeled, cored, and quartered

1 cup apple juice

2 tablespoons rum (optional)

2 tablespoons butter, softened or sliced

3 tablespoons agave or honey

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Directions:

Combine all ingredients in a microwave-safe bowl. Cover and microwave on high for 10 minutes. Remove the lid carefully then mash the apples with a fork or potato masher. (If you prefer, you can heat the mixture on the stove until soft, or 30 to 45 minutes.) Serve hot or chilled.

No-Bake Coconut Cookies

Ingredients:

2 cups chopped nuts

2 cups unsweetened shredded coconut

1/3 cup almond or peanut butter

4 Tbsp honey or agave

1/4 – 1/2 cup mini dark chocolate chips

Directions:

Combine all ingredients in a bowl. Stir well. Freeze for 20 minutes or so then form into balls and refrigerate. Makes about 24 small or 12 larger cookies.

For more fabulous recipes, check out the appropriately titled Yum Blog Hop, hosted by K.B. Owen. Bon appetit!

What’s your favorite holiday treat? Any super simple recipes to share below? 

Girl Boner Perks for Jollier Holidays

If you find yourself stressed, anxious or exhausted this holiday season, you may want to prioritize playtime in the bedroom…

…or anywhere you see fit.

I saw The Sessions last week, a film starring Helen Hunt and John Hawkes about a 38-year-old man with an iron lung who seeks therapy from a sex surrogate in hopes of losing his virginity. It depicts sexuality in a way American films seldom do: tantalizing, soulful, physically and emotionally mind-blowing, deeply gratifying and life-changing. It was also pretty technical, which I didn’t mind. It made me eager to relax into sexual pleasure and do away with the barriers set by society and ourselves. (Dear Santa: That magic wand I’ve mentioned? I still want it.) I left teary eyed, inspired and pondering the role sex plays in our personal lives and entertainment.

I also couldn’t help but draw parallels between sexuality and the holidays. Think of how many terms encompass what we’d ideally like from both: warmth, togetherness, love, spirituality, gratitude, excitement, giving and receiving… And yet, they don’t pair as often we might like.

The holidays are a funky time when it comes to sex. While some people spend more time between the sheets, a larger percentage have less sex. Holiday-linked stress, travel, hectic schedules and limited privacy can hinder our sexual appetites and experiences. And don’t forget lutefisk. Put that slithery fish within yards of me and sex is the last thing on my mind. *quivers* Just saying.

Research shows that women tend to experience more stress during the holidays than men, and that sex works as a powerful stress minimizer. Hmm… Am I right in concluding that adding more sexual pleasure to the holiday wish list is particularly important for us gals?Consider the following benefits and let me know if you agree.

6 Sex Benefits for Jollier Holidays

1. Reduced stress. Indeed, the very thing that keeps some of us from desiring sex can be remedied by sex. A study conducted in Scotland showed that people who’d had intercourse before engaging in stressful situations, such as doing math problems out loud and speaking in public, had lower blood pressure and responded to stress better overall compared to those who hadn’t. Satisfying sex also eases anger and may prevent us from Grinch-i-fying in the first place.

2. Improved physical fitness. Speaking of stress, those holiday pounds many fear? Routine sex can help. Thirty minutes of sex burns about 85 to 200 calories. Have sex 42 times between November and January and you’ll burn at least 3,570 calories—more than enough to lose one pound, the average amount Americans gain during the holidays. Having sex twice per week is linked with improved cardiovascular health and a lowered risk for heart attack.

“Sex is a great mode of exercise,” says Los Angeles sexologist, Patti Britton, PhD. It takes physical and mental effort to do it well, allowing us to tone our minds and bodies.

3. Improved warmth and relaxation. Gratifying sex makes holiday-like sensations stronger and more likely. Orgasm increase levels of the brain chemical oxytocin, says sex educator and relationship expert Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, which allows for warm fuzzy feelings.

4. Improved immune function. Sexual play may keep doctor visits at bay. Sex, including masturbation, circulates blood flow to the genital region, says Megan Andelloux, a board certified sexologist in Rhode Island, keeping our tissues and veins healthy and active. The result? A reduced risk for colds and the sniffles.

5. Better sleep. Sleep problems are epidemic, particularly among women. Holiday stress and schedule shifts can worsen matters, making restful sleep a whimsical wish. Why count sheep or stare at the ceiling when there are better ways to spend your time? Sex, including masturbation, helps ease insomnia. (Feel free to dance or cheer here. I did!) A lack of sleep can also nuke libido, so having sex for improved sleep can lead to more frequent and pleasurable sex, leading to even more restful Zs. That’s my kind of snowball.

6. Enhanced self-esteem and intimacy. While low self-esteem keeps some women from having sex, research shows that masturbation can have the opposite effect. Consistent, mutually pleasurable sex in couples can increase bonding, says Fulbright, because the surge in oxytocin at orgasm stimulates feelings of affection and intimacy. From a spiritual standpoint, sex can lead stronger quality of life and relationships. Pleasurable sex makes us feel better about our relationships, ourselves and life in general.

In a particularly lovely scene in The Sessions, the main character, Mark, asks his priest whether God would smile upon his having marriage-less sex. Father Brendan shoots a torn look at the cross hanging behind him then turns and says with confidence, “In my heart, I feel He’ll give you a free pass on this one. Go for it!”

Sexual pleasure is a gift we give ourselves then share with others.I hope that if you haven’t, you’ll allow yourself to GO FOR IT—safely and responsibly—this holiday season, in whatever ways you feel inclined. Whether we engage solo or with a partner, a healthy sex life allows us to share happier, healthier, more empowered versions of ourselves with others. I don’t know about you, but in this age of materialism, it makes me happy knowing that one of life’s most spectacular gifts is free.

What do you think? Should women prioritize sexual pleasure during the holidays? Does your sex life cool down in the heat of the hustle-bustle? Or are you the first to leap for the mistletoe? Stay tuned for more on sexually satisfying holidays in the coming weeks. To catch up on the first three Girl Boner Monday posts, click here.

Food Anxiety and Disordered Eating: Holiday Survival Strategies

“Change happens when you understand what you want to change so deeply that there is no reason to do anything but act in your own best interest.” — Geneen Roth

From festive tunes and decor to gift exchanges and gatherings, the holiday season fills me with child-like glee. All throughout, however, I’m cognizant of the fact that many people have near opposite views due to food angst. As someone who’s endured it and now mentors folks in its grasp, I know too well the depth of disordered eating pain. I wish I could multiply and divvy up my joy and inject it into every person suffering. Since I lack that super power, I’ll instead share some useful strategies with hopes that they might find appropriate eyes.

Even when food is the enemy and everywhere, you’re not as alone as you feel.

8 Ways to Manage Food-Related Anxiety Through the Holidays

1. Know you’re not alone. Little feels as lonely as fighting inner-food demons amidst gleeful bashes, and little fuels those demons like loneliness. One-third of holiday stress derives from overindulgence, according to Mental Health America. Add to that the fear of being judged or watched and  general food-related discomfort and it’s safe to say that you’re far from solitary. Considering how hidden many of these issues are, it’s likely that someone nearby struggles similarly. While you’d never wish your challenges on others, viewing yourself as one of many courageous folks who “get” it can help.

2. Confide in a personal cheerleader. Many of us have at least one person in our court who we can openly confide in during tough times. Share your concerns with that person before stressful events. If you fear mid-feast panic, have a code word or signal ready, along with a plan of action. When you ask your cheerleader a particular question, for example, he or she could ask you to step away to help you with something. If the person is a distance away, keep your phone at the ready for an SOS text or call.

3. Plan ahead food-wise. Keep ”safe foods,” foods you’re comfortable with, well-stocked in your kitchen and workplace. Bring dishes you can eat with ease to holiday events, with plenty to share. Avoid arriving to parties and feasts on an empty, rumbling stomach. Eating a balanced snack beforehand can help reduce anxiety physically and emotionally. Balanced snacks, containing complex carbohydrates and protein, help your brain produce and utilize calming brain chemicals and staves off overeating. Have whole grain cereal with low-fat milk, for example, or yogurt topped with fruit. (Neither will make you “fat.”)

4. Get creative. I’m not talking about creative ways of food avoidance or pound shedding, which can fuel anxiety. Invest that energy into something therapeutic. Creativity helps take our minds off of stress, allows us to work through challenging emotions and provides emotional fulfillment. Sing. Write. Bake (if you’re comfortable doing so). Draw. Paint. Dance. I’ve personally found free writing, writing quickly and without judgment, near miraculous. For a useful free-writing exercise, check out Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages.

5. If you’re concerned about overeating or riddled with guilt for doing so, try to cut yourself some slack. Everyone feasts on occasion. One calorie-laden meal or day, or even several, won’t break your wellness or trigger “fatness.” Starving ourselves to make up for overeating by depriving the body of nourishment and making way for the bingeing/starving roller coaster, however, can. Even if you don’t attempt to compensate, guilt and self-loathing aren’t helpful to anyone. If you end up bingeing, forgive yourself and move on by eating, rather than skipping, your next meal.

6. Try not to view foods as “good” or “bad.” Demonizing certain foods makes them more tempting, increases stress and perpetuates negative attitudes and behaviors. All foods provide nutrients. Our bodies need carbohydrates, protein and fat to function and thrive. Many holiday foods, such as turkey, whole grain bread, potatoes, pumpkin and cranberries, are chock-full of vitamins and minerals. Emphasize healthy fare and, if you’re able and interested, allow yourself treats. Eating a modest-sized, rich dessert when you’re desiring it keeps it from turning into a craving, which can facilitate bingeing. Once you’re finished, engage in something non-food related, pronto.

7. Give yourself permission to opt out. If a particular event is too much to manage emotionally, decline. Tell the organizer you’re not feeling well and make tentative plans to catch up with friends and family another time on more comfortable grounds. People who care about you wouldn’t want you to attend a function that feels debilitating. (Would you force a friend who’s deathly afraid of flying onto an airplane?) Opting out when it “in” seems impossible isn’t selfish, but self-nurturing.

8. Focus on others. When the food monster overtakes your brain, it can feel all-consuming. While it’s understandable and not your fault, it’s a highly selfish state. What can you do to brighten another’s day? Seek the good in people and offer compliments. Ask questions about people’s lives with genuine curiosity. Hug loved ones. Send greeting cards. Volunteer. A bit of warmth will help others who may be equally anxious, and give you far more in return.

For more information on eating to quell food-related angst, check out my recent articles:

Love the Skin You’re In: Putting Order Back in Disordered Eating LIVESTRONG.com

Nourish Your Body, Nurture YourSELF: Bolstering Your Self-Esteem with a Healthy Diet LIVESTRONG.com

Food Cravings: Demystifying Intense Desires for Certain Foods LIVESTRONG.com

Foods That Increase Serotonin and Induce Sleep The Nest Magazine

The FulFillment Diet: Pursuing Passion FIRST Bartlett’s Integrated Health Journal

I’d love to hear from you. Have you or a loved one grappled with food stress over the holidays? Any pointers to add? Questions to share? If you’d prefer to share thoughts privately, feel free to write me directly. I’ll also be having a quiet Thanksgiving, so if you’re struggling and feel like chatting, find me on Facebook or Twitter.