August McLaughlin's Blog, page 58

Embraceable Waves: 5 Benefits of Cellulite

“The human body is the best work of art.” — Jess C. Scott

Why is it that we delight in waves that turn still bodies of water into lilting streams, lakes and oceans…

…and the sunshine, shadows and exploration derived from rolling hills…

…yet believe that women’s skin should appear as clear and bump-less as an egg?

I’m sure you know where I’m heading with this. Some of you may be giggling or rolling your eyes. That’s okay! I get it. My dream for us all to embrace our bodies, with or without wavy skin, is lofty and arguably unrealistic. But if you’ll bear with me, I hope you’ll see that the above comparisons aren’t as wacky as they may seem. For those of you struggling with cellulite-loathing or poor body image in general, I hope that exploring some of cellulite’s perks will inspire you to cut yourself some slack.

Why explore cellulite now?

In a word? Inspiration. Last week I had the privilege of discussing ways to live sensual, pleasure-filled lives on the Loving & Lasting Radio Show with Ande Lyons, the ebullient passion curator of Bring Back Desire. We discussed everything from my very first memory of poor body image to air-brushed images of women, sans cellulite, in magazines.

As I mentioned on Ande’s show, most women—and many men—experience cellulite. Over 34,000 cellulite treatments were conducted in med-spas in 2009, according to The American Board of Plastic Surgery. Liposuction is currently the most popular plastic surgery treatment in the world, and cellulite creams (which do little more than moisturize) have been raging in popularity for years.

Imagine if we invested all of the energy we put into disliking or attempting to change largely natural shifts in our skin and other aesthetics into more positive pursuits! I’m not suggesting that we stop caring about physical beauty, but that we broaden its definition. Regardless of where you stand on these issues, I hope you’ll consider the following facts.

5 Benefits of Cellulite 

1. It’s normal. Most women develop cellulite at some point, in varying degrees. We’ve been taught to celebrate skin as smooth as egg shells, but the truth? Perfectly smooth, dimple- free skin is extremely rare, regardless of one’s age, shape or size. And most of the “flawless” bodies depicted in magazines we compare ourselves result from airbrushing and other editing—not special treatments, diets or genetics. Reminding ourselves that in most cases, cellulite does not reflect a serious health problem and that even most models in magazines experience it can help keep our perspective in check. (We’ll talk more about potential health concerns shortly.)

Airbrushing and PhotoShop take the realness out of many many models’ bodies, setting standards even THEY can’t live up to.

2. It’s feminine! Women are designed to have curves—some subtle, others more pronounced. What if we viewed the gentle waves in our skin as embraceable as waves in the ocean, or simply one trait that accompanies womanhood? The subcutaneous fat that causes those waves and dimples tends to appear on our hips and thighs,  which are particularly womanly (BEAUTIFUL ♥) body areas. If fatty areas on your hips or thighs bother you, grasp them gently and say, “I am a woman!” Defining ourselves as curvy, feminine and authentic is far more positive and attractive than fixating on perceived flaws.

3. It can alert us to the need for self-care. While some amount of cellulite is normal, severe cases can derive from poor lifestyle habits, such as eating a restrictive, overly processed or low-nutrient diet or exercising too little. It can also derive from estrogen deficiencies. Lucky for all of us, these issues are fixable! Taking better care of ourselves makes way for healthy, normalized skin and countless added perks, from improved sleep, energy and moods to healthy weight control, cholesterol levels and immune function. If you have difficulty prioritizing self-care, don’t be afraid to reach out. Very often, emotional issues underlie poor lifestyle habits. Seeking greater emotional fulfillment and self-acceptance can make a healthy lifestyle a near given—or at least obtainable.

4. It provides an opportunity for self-strengthening and empowerment. Too often, we wait to live fully  until ____. “I’ll be happy when I lose 50 pounds,” we might say, or “I’ll meet Mr./Ms. Right when I look attractive.” But that’s seldom how it works… Every time we accept ourselves, particularly aspects of our bodies society at large erroneously deems unattractive, we strengthen our character. We stand up taller, physically and emotionally, appear more attractive—because comfort with ourselves is SEXY!—and serve as positive role models in a world that is lacking. Particularly if you’re have or spend ample time around children, displaying self-embracement is a tremendous gift. 

5. Accepting cellulite can help strengthen relationships and make way for a satisfying sex life! Cellulite should never stand in the way of Girl Boner bliss. Chances are, your partner could not care less about your cellulite. If he or she does care, it’s likely only because you find it bothersome and they value your happiness, or in severe cases, because it’s one sign of numerous that you’re lacking self-care. When we embrace our bodies and selves, we’re more likely to desire and prioritize sex, experience sexual pleasure and orgasm and feel intimately connected with our partners. Who doesn’t want that?

For more on body image and sensuality, listen to my interview with Ande Lyons here: Blog Talk Radio: How to Live a Sensual, Pleasure-Filled Life—August McLaughlin or on iTunes. Her series in fantastic, and you can subscribe to the podcasts for FREE!

How do you feel about cellulite? Do you think we should embrace moderate amounts as “normal” or even beautiful? Which of the benefits above most struck you? Any perks to add? Or burning questions you’d like answered? I always love hearing from you. Speaking of which…

SPECIAL REMINDER: Don’t forget to join me, Ande Lyons, Pauline Campos and many more tonight for #BodyThanks—a Twitter party celebrating positive body image just in time for Thanksgiving! We’ll be starting up at 6pm PST. Simply enter the #BodyThanks hashtag in the Twitter search window to watch and join in! ♥ More details are available on the Facebook event page.

It’s Time to Give #BodyThanks!

Next week, people across the country will be gathering together with loved ones to delight in decadent feasts and say thanks for the many blessings at their lives’ tables. If only all of the metaphorical dishes were pleasurable…

For many Americans, food and body-related stress overpowers what matters most during the holidays—but it doesn’t have to!

Amid the festivities, countless individuals will have stress-inducing thoughts of high-calorie sugarplums and compensatory workouts dancing chaotically in their heads. Overindulgence causes one-third of holiday stress, according to Mental Health America, and an estimated 90 percent of women (and many men) are dissatisfied with their shape or size, making feast enjoying difficult. My fabulous friend, Pauline Campos, creator of Girl Body Pride and advice columnist for Latina Magazine, and I have decided to set a happier tone this Thanksgiving by hosting a #BodyThanks Twitter party on Monday, November 25th from 6 – 7pm PST.

In addition to our wacky word-loving work styles and passion for all-things-empowerment, Pauline and I share a special bond: we’ve both endured serious eating disorders and have since evolved into stronger, more fulfilled (okay, and louder! ) women. Our shared message that bodies are meant to be EMBRACED is fun, but it’s also important; we believe that a shift from body shunning to gratitude could help change or even save a few lives. But we can’t do it alone.

Our Mission:

It’s our hope that by partying Twitter-style on Monday, the kickoff to Thanksgiving week, participants suffering from body or food-related angst will enjoy Thanksgiving with less negativity and a heck of lot more joy. Whether you have mild, moderate or significant body image issues, chances are chatting with a gaggle of gratitude-celebrating friends can add light to your week. We hope you’ll join us!

What you can expect:

Stimulating chit chat and question prompts
Fun contests with PRIZES!
Engagement with special guests, including Emme, the supermodel, and Andy Lyons, radio show host and Chief Passion Curator of Bring Back Desire
Silliness (It’s bound to happen!)
And there may just be a little after-party for those who linger…

A sneak peek at a few prizes!

For more information on Monday’s event and your friendly hostesses, visit our #BodyThanks Facebook event page, Tweet us (@AugstMcLaughlin @Pauline_Campos #BodyThanks) and check out Pauline’s fantastic blog post: Honoring Ourselves with #BodyThanks. We can’t wait to party with you all soon! 

Will you be joining us? How do you stay peaceful and stress-free throughout the holidays? Any tips for bypassing food or body image-related difficulties? I hope you know that your comments rock my world. ♥

Gain #GirlBoner Gusto: 20 Ways to Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

“In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” – Deepak Chopra

Letting go. The simple word pairing describes one of the most powerful concepts we can embrace. Letting go of a romance-gone-wrong makes way for peacefulness and, if and when we desire it, new love. Releasing anger and resentment allows us to forgive those who’ve caused wounds, preventing clouds of bitterness from tinkering with life’s sunshine and replacing “Why me?” with gratitude-induced rainbows. Today I want to challenge you to loosen your hold on barriers that inhibit your Girl Boner gusto, which is a term I use to describe loving and respecting your body and sexuality with curiosity, intent and glee. (Can I get a WOO HOO?)

Last week I had the honor of discussing Girl Boner with Dr. Lisa Masterson on her fabulous radio show, Health in Heels with Dr. Lisa. The practicing OB/GYN, mother, philanthropist, author and former cohost of the Emmy award-winning TV show, The Doctors is equally vivacious and sharp, and we had a BLAST exploring body image, sexuality and the unbreakable link between. (To listen to our full interview, scroll down to the link in the last paragraph.)

Chatting about sexuality and body image with the fabulous Dr. Lisa!

After I explained the inspiration behind Girl Boner, here’s what Dr. Lisa had to say:

“We really are sort of backwards about sexuality, about pleasure, about physicality… What I’ve found in my practice is that girls that felt really comfortable with their bodies had a real sense of self and a real pride in themselves and their bodies—those were the ones least likely to get pregnant, to develop STDs, because they care about their bodies and themselves.”

She is so right! When we embrace our bodies as adults, we’re also more likely to have fulfilling relationships, feel and appear more attractive, practice self-care—which leads to fewer instances of chronic disease, stress and depression—and have more energy to invest in positive ventures. I also loved what Dr. Lisa had to say about swimming in the nude:

“The first time I went skinny-dipping with my girlfriends was last year in Fiji… It’s a freeing thing because it’s sort of getting over yourself, feeling comfortable with yourself. I can’t stress enough how important that is to feel good about [your] body.”

As I explained on her show, getting to that place of embracement can seem grueling, considering the multitudinous forces against us. On the bright side, however, such work is not only doable, but more empowering than most folks realize. It all starts with baby steps, in my opinion—taking even one bold step into a zone in which you would like to feel more comfortable. Not sure where to start? Consider the following suggestions.

20 Ways to Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

& Into Girl Boner Embracement ♥

If you’re up for the challenge and eager for the scrumptious rewards of embracing your sexy self, choose one or several of the following suggestions to commit to in the coming days or weeks. Or let your mind wander and conjure your own. If your heart races slightly and your lips curve upward as you consider a practice you haven’t tried, it’s likely a great pick!

1. Spend more time naked or in your skivvies. (Sleeping, reading, cooking, cleaning…)

2. Say “I love my body” aloud at least once daily—sarcasm not allowed!

3. When you shower, explore your vagina with your fingers, doing your best to name each part.

4. Use a mirror or camera phone to observe your sexual anatomy.

5. Look at your full body naked in the mirror daily, thinking loving thoughts (and telling others to hush up!)

6. Buy yourself underwear or other apparel you feel sexy in!

7 . Read or write erotica.

8. Watch an erotic film.

9. Buy yourself a new, or your first, sex toy—and try it out!

10. If you’re fixated on weight and size, toss your scale in the trash and remove size tags from your clothes.

11. Stop the diet you know in your gut isn’t healthy and focus on enjoying a variety of (mostly whole) foods mindfully—with awareness and appreciation.

12. Take a pole dancing class!

13. Go out for a night on the town with your girlfriends, dressing however you feel happy, comfortable and sexy.

14. Write a love letter to your body, paying mind to its sexual capabilities and parts.

15. Make love by candlelight.

16. Masturbate by candlelight.

17. Share a sexual fantasy with your partner. If you’re both game, act on it!

18. Keep a sensuality journal, tracking sights, sounds, smells, tastes and happenings that tickle your senses—and, of course, those that tickle your Girl Boner!

19. Prioritize and initiate sex more often.

20. Remind yourself daily that your sexuality is not dirty, but beautiful, natural and worth embracing.

Regardless of how you go about gaining and maintaining Girl Boner gusto, what matters most is that you do. If we don’t prioritize sexual and body embracement, there’s a good chance they’ll fall to the wayside, ridding us of countless benefits—and that’s pretty tragic, in my opinion. You all deserve to live full, happy lives! Recognizing that our sexuality is a crucial part of that opens the door to wondrousness. ♥

During our interview, when Dr. Lisa described skinny-dipping with girlfriends as a liberating way you to “get over yourself,” I was totally sold! (Telling her I’m “not much of a swimmer” was a bit like describing the North Poll as somewhat chilly, but I adore the concept. LOL)  Merely getting our feet wet, literally and figuratively, can be all it takes to set sexy self-embracement in motion.

What steps are you willing to take to better embrace your body and sensuality? Remember, there’s no shame or judgment here—only support! Which may include a few giddy, cheer-you-on squeals. I love hearing from you! If you decide to write that love letter to your body and would like to share it, post it on the Girl Boner Facebook page or email it to me for possible (anonymous, optionally) inclusion in an upcoming post. ♥

To listen to or download my chat with Dr. Lisa for FREE, visit Health in Heels on iTunes, Episode 11/14. If you like what you hear, I hope you’ll consider posting a review of Dr. Lisa’s program! She deserves all the praise she can get. For a chance to have your sex or health-related questions answered on the air, tweet them to Dr. Lisa at @drLisaM using the hashtag #AskDrLisa.

Freedom’s Hand: Hell Revisited

“After nourishment, shelter and companionship, stories are the thing we need most in the world.” — Philip Pullman

I’ve long believed that stories can, and do, change the world. The most important ones never leave our hearts or minds, no matter how many we read or how much time passes. Mike Sirota’s latest work, a social thriller entitled Freedom’s Hand, is one of those stories. Set in modern times, Freedom’s Hand is equal parts thrill, terror, heartache and inspiration, bringing necessary light to issues many people mistakenly believe ended with the Holocaust. I posted the following review on Amazon:

Important and compelling! 5.0 out of 5 stars

Mike Sirota has a way of pulling readers into his stories in deeply emotional ways. With FREEDOM’S HAND he goes beyond mere storytelling and
nearly forces the reader to contemplate real evils in the world and, more importantly, the necessity and possibility of escape. Dark, suspenseful and deliciously un-put-downable, FREEDOM’S HAND is one of the best thrillers I’ve read in some time.

I’m honored to have the author here today, sharing thoughts on the story, the hellishness therein and how he managed to step into the dark places writing it required. Thanks so much for joining us, Mike!

Just like the name of my blog (“Swords, Specters, & Stuff”)—and one of my websites—professes, most people know me as a writer in genres such as sword & sorcery, sword & planet, horror, paranormal, fantasy, and science fiction. That is why my newly released novel, Freedom’s Hand, may come as a surprise, for it is none of the above. But given where a great deal of the story takes place—inside a concentration camp on American soil—it may prove more disturbing than any previous gore-fest I’ve written. Why? Because it HAS happened in the past. For real.

“For the dead and the living, we must bear witness.” ― Elie Wiesel

THE STORY

As with many things, the actual creation of Freedom’s Hand has a history—in this case a long one. But before I get into that, let me offer a plot abstract, at least for the early scenes. The story opens in 1943 Poland with a teenager named Nathan Adler inside a crowded cattle car, one of many pulled by a locomotive on its way to oblivion. Nathan’s mother and young sister are with him. Eventually the train pulls into Auschwitz. Nathan, a sturdy young man, is taken aside to join a work detail. His mother, a cripple, is put on a line to the gas chamber. The sister, four years old, staggers about helplessly before being torn apart by guard dogs as Nathan watches.

The majority of the story takes place in 1994. A now elderly Nathan Adler, a widower, is on a summer driving vacation with his family: his daughter, Susan Lowe; her husband, David; and Heather, their eight year old, Nathan’s beloved granddaughter. Nightmares of the past still torment him, but he manages to deal with them.

Then, the nightmares become real once again as the family is kidnapped in Nevada by a white supremacist group called Freedom’s Hand. Thrown into a cramped, stifling compartment in the back of a church bus with other prisoners—mostly blacks and Mexicans—they are transported to a strange compound deep in the searing desert. While the others are incredulous, Nathan seems to know what is happening; he’s been there before.

The compound, enclosed by towering fences topped by barbed wire, is called LAGER—the German word for “camp.” Manned by an army of brown-shirted thugs, Lager is the brainchild of an enigmatic man who, early on, is known only as the Commander. This monster is dedicated to the systematic extermination of all minorities. His “technical advisor” is Unterscharfuhrer Heinz Kell, an old man now but once part of Nazi Germany’s Protection Squad, the SS, and a prison guard at Auschwitz. Kell had been a personal nemesis to the young Nathan, and their meeting now—fifty years later and a world away—is monumental…

Just as I would hate to give away how this confrontation ends up, so am I loath to say much more about the story without revealing too many key plot points. David and Susan Lowe, as the main protagonists, must call upon courage that they would have thought unimaginable if they are to survive this Hell on Earth called Lager and save their family from this camp of swaggering monsters. The odds are seriously stacked against them.

WOMEN AS SEX OBJECTS—WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

To give just a little away: Susan, in order to save the life of her daughter, becomes part of the “entertainment squad.” Incredulous when she begins to suspect what they want of her, she is told by one of her captors, “You’ll do what God in His wisdom meant for all you bitches to do when He put you on this earth!” This degradation mirrors what the Nazis did to many of their female prisoners.

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“History is herstory too.” — unknown

MONSTERS REAL AND IMAGINED

I’ve written about human monsters before—think Bruno Leopold in Fire Dance—but the Commander presented a different kind of challenge and, in retrospect, became the most difficult character that I ever created. What makes a Hitler, or a Stalin, or a Pol Pot, or a Joseph Kony tick? These are heads that the average person doesn’t particularly want to delve into, but as a writer you have no choice—not if you want readers to believe that your characters could be motivated to engage in actions so heinous. So how does one do this?

In Freedom’s Hand I use a series of flashback scenes, spread out over many chapters, to show how a monster evolves. Preceding each flashback the Commander is usually talking to his second in command, a friend who addresses him as “Martin.” Over time we learn that Martin’s mother was the most famous actress of her era, his father one of the world’s richest men. We experience Martin as a boy, a teen, a young man, and so on, not only with tons of emotional baggage but also with incidents occurring at each stage that could spur some racial or religious intolerance and motivate hatred.

But enough motivation to make someone go out and erect a concentration camp in the desert of the American Southwest and dedicate a life to destroying human beings?

STEPPING OUT OF MYSELF

To accomplish this I truly had to separate Myself from Myself—from who and what I am, from all I believe—and become the mind and the voice of a monster. In a chapter titled “Revelation” the flashback scene has Martin as a young man. He has just graduated from a military academy and is staying with a friend in Chicago. The friend takes him to a rally in a suburban park, where a neo-Nazi group has challenged—and won—their right to free speech in court. (This is based on a number of true incidents.) The park is in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood, one where many Holocaust survivors live. They are out in force, as are many other Jewish and African American organizations, to protest the speech given by Robert Earle Wesley of the New Socialist Front. Martin is minimally interested, and because he hates crowds he really wishes that he were somewhere else—at first.

I modeled Wesley after George Lincoln Rockwell, an infamous American Nazi of the 1950s and ’60s. His rants against Jews and blacks were poisonous—and so was the one that I put in the mouth of Robert Earle Wesley. To this day I remain stunned that I could have ever written such words, or imagined such thoughts. But to make their stories work, writers sometimes have to step far out of their comfort zones. I mean, does Thomas Harris have his doctor for dinner with some fava beans and a nice Chianti? Does James Patterson enjoy some of the same simple pleasures as his greatest antagonist in the Alex Cross books? I think not; yet Hannibal Lecter and Kyle Craig are two of the most believable and chilling monsters in all of fiction.

I won’t share any of Wesley’s diatribe here; you can read it all and judge for yourself. But as the chapter ends with the police breaking up the demonstration it is evident that Martin has been affected by what he has witnessed:

They had stopped the words, but the young man still heard them and would continue to hear them. He saw them rush Wesley off, in a different direction. He would not reach the man; not today. But he would find him. He had to find him.

Because now, for the first time, he knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life.

As I said before, the history and evolution of Freedom’s Hand is a story by itself. You’ll find that story at this link: Freedom’s Hand: Behind the Story.

*****

To purchase Freedom’s Hand, visit this link via Amazon.com. You can also connect with Mike on Facebook and Twitter.

Any thoughts or questions to share with Mike? In addition to being a prolific writer, he’s a skilled editor and writing coach. In other words, he’s a WEALTH of information! And friendly, to boot. If you’ve read Freedom’s Hand, I hope you’ll share your thoughts!

10 Female Turn-Ons: Send Her #GirlBoner Reeling!

“Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.” — Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus

Throughout history, female sexual desire has been misunderstood. We’ve been taught that women are less sexual than men for ages, and that evolution underlies men’s urge to “spread their seed” and women’s desire for fewer partners and less action. Recent large-scale studies have helped clear the air a bit, revealing that these and many other myths surrounding female sexuality are false. (Thank. The. Lord!)

Why is female sex drive so enigmatic? Many reasons! Male sex drive is more linear than ours, for one thing, and the arousal signs, more obvious. And until recently, very few studies analyzed female sexuality; much of what we’ve been taught derives from age-old speculation and assumptions. Society also plays a major role, having long taught us that “good girls” are prudes, “bad girls,” sluts and men think with their penises, while the harsh beauty ideals promoted by the media and entertainment make it difficult to embrace our bodies sans cosmetic surgery or unhealthy weight loss. These forces affect both genders and all ages, but we aren’t powerless to them.

One bit of fabulous news: There are COUNTLESS female turn-ons! Most women are aroused by a broad range of influences, according to a growing body of research, and our Girl Boners are more excitable than many folks realize. Studies headed by Meredith Chivers, a highly regarded psychology professor and researcher at Queen’s University in Ontario, showed that while heterosexual women claim to only feel aroused by men, their physiological responses tell a different story. The vast majority of participants showed significant arousal (wet, swollen vaginas, racing hearts racing, brain stimulation…*dreamy sigh*) in response EVERY visual stimuli they observed, including male and female bodies, heterosexual and homosexual sex and even animal sex, whereas straight men were only turned on by female imagery.

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“How much do I want you, Julio? Let me count the ways…”

Granted, many other factors contribute to our arousal–in good and not-so-good ways. We may be easily turned on by limitless stimuli, but influences that make us feel less attractive, lovable or sexually confident can make us plummet from aroused to disinterested in little time.

So what’s a concerned partner to do? The fact that you’re reading this post suggests that you value your partner’s sexual satisfaction as well as your own. (Thank you!) We LOVE men here at Girl Boner Central, and numerous of you have inquired about this very topic. (Thanks for that, too!) While many of the following suggestions apply to both genders and individual preferences vary, male arousal tends to be a lot more straight forward than women’s. Gaining a bit of understanding might help you and your partner enjoy a more gratifying sex life.

10 Ways to Send Our Girl Boners Reeling!

1. Talk with us! For many women, emotional closeness functions as major foreplay, and little draws people closer than open communication. Share your feelings and inquire about ours. Help us feel wanted and trusted by opening your heart. (Believe it or not, we find your sensitivity extremely hot!) We want to feel desired and that you’re genuinely interested in who we are inside and out—which, of course, should be a two-way street.

2. Look us in the eye. St. Augustine called the eyes “the windows to the soul.” If you’ve gazed into your lover’s eyes for any length of time, you understand why. Locking eyes with a partner makes us feel vulnerable in a beautiful way, promoting a sense of trust, desire and intimacy. Gaze aversion, on the other hand, is associated with shame, embarrassment and shunned intimacy, says psychologist, Aaron Ben-Zeév, PhD. If eye-lock feels unnatural, grasp her hand and say something like, “I just want to look in your beautiful eyes for a minute.” There’s a good chance she’ll melt.

3. Touch us where it counts! In a Women’s Health survey that asked women to list their top turn-ons, “when he touches my thigh” was a common response. ”Certain parts of your body, like your inner thigh, are impossible to touch by accident,” Dr. Scott Haltzman, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University, told the magazine. “When you’re close enough emotionally to someone to allow him into that space, it’s very arousing and reflects the trust you have in each other.” So when you’re sitting in a restaurant, touching her inner thigh below the table can be extremely hot. (And gals—why not guide his hand there?)

4. Embrace PDA. Couples who show each other affection in public tend to have closer-knit relations at home, including in the bedroom. Kissing, hugging and walking hand-in-hand in public instill a sense of trust; we know that you’re not only delighted to be with us, but to let the world know about it. If you and your partner have different comfort levels regarding PDA, aim for a happy medium. Easing in through baby steps (holding her hand more often, for example) is a safer bet than leaping uncomfortably in.

5. Play romantic tunes. If you’ve been following along in Girl Boner land, you know that music is a major turn on. In a study conducted by Spotify, participants—a mix of men and women—were 40 percent more likely to be sexually aroused by music than touch. (That doesn’t mean don’t touch us, of course! How ’bout both?) Music is also a helpful way of concealing sex sounds, which is a libido-reducing concern for some. Playing music she adores or that you find particularly romantic also shows thoughtfulness.

6. Don’t fixate on your body—but do accept it. Men who don’t obsess over their appearance are the most likely to tantalize women, says relationship coach Yangki Christine. Accepting your body as-is shows us that you’re secure enough to value what’s on the inside most. If you struggle with poor body image, do some internal work. Try to reverse those negative thoughts, avoiding damaging influences such as porn, dieting and compulsive workouts. If your partner struggles with similar issues, work through them together.

7. Lubricate our lips! (Yes, those ones!) Just pondering that phrase is enough to tickle one’s Girl Boner… Wetness, whether from your mouths or a commercial lubricant, can make sex more sensual and fun for both partners. Lubrication also helps minimize arousal and libido problems associated with hormonal shifts, dry skin, menopause and depression. Take your time and apply it to your penis, her vagina or both, paying special attention to her clitoris.

8. Caress the clit. As you may know, the clitoris is a primary pleasure area for women, and most us climax through clitoral stimulation. To give her clit proper attention, make sure you know where it is and how she prefers to be touched. If you’re not sure of either, see number 1. Your gal might prefer rapid touch, sucking, pressure or a combination of the three. For more on the topic, check out: The Highly Sensitive Clitoris.

9. Help ease our stress. Stress is a top libido tanker for everyone, but particularly for women. Sex can actually help minimize stress, but not if we don’t arrive there in the first place! To reduce stress and increase arousal for your partner, incorporate relaxation into your dates. Book a couple’s massage or surprise her with an intimate dinner and sudsy bubble bath. If her plate is overloaded with work or family responsibilities, seek ways to help ease her load. If you’re both stressed, strategize solutions together.  (Heck. Do so naked!)

10. Cultivate sexual variety. One of the most intriguing and pronounced findings from recent research shows that women are more likely to tire of sexual monogamy than men. That doesn’t mean we need multiple or perpetually new partners, however. To keep the sexual synergy and excitement alive, take steps to increase variety in your sex life, such as incorporating new positions, sex toys or locations. New experiences also help your brain release dopamine—the chemical responsible for new-love euphoria. Chances are you’ll both benefit big time.

As a final note, keep in mind that none of these tips should be viewed as a sort of give and take. In other words, don’t implement an exchange system: If I do _____, we’ll have/she’ll want sex. It’s healthier and more pleasurable for everyone if we all pay mind to each other’s wants and needs within a relationship, increasing intimacy and creating a loving environment in which sexual experiences flow naturally. Choose actions that feel most sincere and that need not end with a specific act, then enjoy what’s bound to be a pleasurable ride.

What turns you on most, ladies? What do you do to turn your partner on, guys? Which items struck you most? I always love hearing your thoughts. ♥

#GirlBoner Bonus: 25 Signs of Sensual Living

“Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language and the last, and it always tells the truth.” — Margaret Atwood, Der Blinde Mörder

Last week during my interview on Let’s Talk Sex, Dr. Jane Greer posed poignant questions about the link between poor body image and sexual unease. Since then, I’ve received emails from several courageous women grappling significantly with both (♥ to you!).

It’s often difficult to determine which happens first, the lack of sexual empowerment or body dislike, but the connection is inarguable and the effects, often grueling. Low sexual self-confidence tinkers with body image and vice versa—the setup for a self-defeating downward slope. Looking back on my own experiences, it’s crazy obvious how much sensuality was amiss when my body-embracement was nil and my Girl Boner was hiding away in a dark corner. (Now there’s a visual… ) It’s a glorious thing to have come full circle, and I wish the same for anyone on a similar path. I’m sure you who’ve blazed empowerment trails of your own can relate.

Thankfully, no matter where we stand in our self- and sexual- embracement journeys, we can flip that equation around. I personally believe that moving forward has a lot to do with sensual living.

Here at Girl Boner Central, we believe that sexuality far surpasses what happens in our skivvies. We also believe that embracing our sexy, sensual selves makes way for growth and fulfillment in all facets of our lives.

The following list could undoubtedly go on and on, but I tried to hit some of the biggies. As you read, keep track of how many make you think, “Yes! Totally me!” You may also want to take note of your nos, particularly if you deem certain traits worth changing.

25 Signs of Sensual Living

1. You make a point of savoring the smell, taste and appearance of food and find heavy distraction while eating bothersome.

2. You smell bouquets at the flower shop before deciding on a purchase.

3. Your sleep in silky PJs, underwear or your birthday suit, and choose bedsheets largely based on feel.

4. It’s tough to reach P.D.A. overload, in your opinion; the more affection the better.

5. If you close your eyes and recall an aromatic memory, the smell seems to resurface.

6. Clothing feel is often as important to you as its appearance.

7.  You consider yourself a highly sensitive person.

8. When sitting in a taxi cab or restaurant, a nostalgic song begins playing and you can’t ignore it; it “takes you back” pronto, affecting your mood.

9. Music is known to move you to tears.

10. When you visit museums, you take time to observe the colors, texture and emotions works that strike you.

11. You love petting and holding furry animals.

12. If you had to choose one dance to engage in, you’d choose a slow, partner-embracing number over a rapid solo techno boogie. (Assume you have the skills for both. )

13. You prioritize and delight in pleasurable self-care means, such as sudsy baths, massage and lotions that feel luscious on your skin.

14. You revel in trying new foods, particularly while exploring foreign places.

15. You prefer not to buy fresh foods online; you want to see and touch fruits and vegetables pre-purchase.

16. If you’re seated at a restaurant near too much noise, chill or light, you’re likely to request reseating.

17. The presentation of foods, table settings and gifts is important to you. (Amazon wrapping is well worth that $3.99!)

18. When sitting on the sofa with your partner, you sit as close to him or her as possible.

19. You love, love, love hugging!

20. You cherish being naked—or would, if you felt more confident. (If the latter is true, check out Sexual Confidence: How to Feel Sexier Naked.)

21. Your partner’s taste and smell rank high on your value/turn-on list.

22. Locking eyes with your lover and observing his or her sensual gaze turns you on big time.

23. You often relish passionate kissing, touching and being touched as much or more than intercourse.

24. You value orgasm—yours and, when applicable, your partner’s.

25. Merely taking this quiz tickled your Girl Boner!

Did you find yourself nodding or shaking your head to most of these items? Which struck you most? When do you feel most sensual? While the above isn’t a clinically tested or diagnostic exercise, and many factors affect sensual appeal, I definitely believe that the more sensuousness we embrace, the better. The best part? We can cultivate sensuality in countless empowering ways. (More on that soon…)

Speaking of tickling the senses, we’re having a cake contest! Help celebrate Girl Boner’s 1-year birthday by visiting Girl Boner on Facebook and casting a vote for your favorite sexy cake—one I’ve posted or a creative concoction or find of your own. Cast your vote via Facebook or Twitter by Friday for a chance to win a Girl Boner gift pack. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

Thanks so much for your continual support! You help make Girl Boner Central an arousing place for many. ♥

#GirlBoner Gusto: Talking Sex with Dr. Jane Greer

“Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.” — Marquis de Sade

Last week I had the privilege of chatting about Girl Boner with Dr. Jane Greer, a nationally renowned therapist, relationship expert, former Redbook editor and author of What About Me?: Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Marriage on her wonderful radio series, Let’s Talk Sex. The timing was perfect, in my opinion, as Girl Boner turns ONE this week! (That’s right—we have been aroused together for 12 months! Hotness…)

I can’t think of a better way to commemorate this anniversary than discussing sexuality with a host as dynamic as Dr. Greer. Have I always been so candid about sex-talk? How are sexuality and body image linked? What’s the word on the street about couples’ mismatched sex drive? We explored these topics and more…

For more information about Dr. Greer, visit DrJaneGreer.com. You can also connect with her on Twitter: @DrJaneGreer. To download the MP3 of our interview, visit the HealthyLife.Net archives.

LIVE TODAY: To join me in a live chat on sexuality, body image and psychological thrillers with self-publishing teacher, author and host of INDIE AUTHORS on Google+ Jason Matthews and Marla Miller of Marketing the Muse, visit Indie Authors #66 on Google+. We go live at 6pm PST!

What did you think of my chat with Dr. Greer? Isn’t she fantastic? What questions would you like to ask or have explored in an upcoming post? Any suggestions for additional ways to celebrate Girl Boner’s big 01? I always delight in your thoughts. ♥

On (Truly) Strong Females, Recycled Tropes and Hope for the Horror Genre

Happy Halloween! I’m a bit low on candy (okay, I don’t have any – *sniff*), but I do have a special treat for you all. Today I’m thrilled to share my blog living room with one of the most brilliant folks I know. Karina Wilson is a British writer and story consultant based in Los Angeles who knows the horror genre better than most. She took time out of her hectic week to chat with me about the genre, addressing some of the issues we addressed on Monday, and more. We are so fortunate to have her. (Thanks again, Karina!)

August: What sexist themes are most common in the horror genre as of late? Has the apparent popularity of the “strong female” archetype made a difference?

Karina: There are strong females and there are strong females… I find the emphasis on women only finding strength through their mothering instincts (e.g. INSIDIOUS, MAMA, BYZANTIUM and THE CONJURING) quite disturbing; only women who’ve conformed to social expectations and played the “good mom” role are perceived as having value and are therefore permitted to survive. This is especially worrying when it plays out to target audiences weaned on poor, benighted Bella Swan, who wanted nothing more from life than to get married and have a baby before her 19th birthday. However, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN (one of my favorite films of the last few years) counterbalances this ‘cult of Motherhood’ quite nicely.

I’m also very wary of the current fashion for witch-bashing, which was particularly iniquitous in HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS. It’s all a bit too glib and easy (the Crone with warts on her nose must die!), and doesn’t acknowledge that witch hunts led to the deaths of tens of thousands of women in Europe during the peak of the Inquisition, and that accusations of witchcraft are still used to justify lynch mobs and the murder of old women across Africa. It’s all part and parcel of the expressed desire to persecute women who don’t fit neatly into the marry-reproduce-nuture mold – there’s nothing wrong with doing that, per se, but women who don’t choose that path shouldn’t be routinely demonized.

August: What’s the dynamic like for female writers and filmmakers in the genre?

Karina: I actually think horror is a more welcoming place for women than many other segments of cinema – you’ll find more female-driven story lines than in action or biopics, for instance, or those ‘heavy-hitting’ dramas that clog theatres this time of year, and I personally know a number of female horror directors. However, I believe there is a fetishization of violence against women in low-budget horror that has to stop. A rape/torture storyline is one of the cheapest and easiest things to film, but that doesn’t mean filmmakers should keep doing it. Why keep putting it out there, especially when it keeps coming from the tired perspective of the male gaze? We’re not in 2005 any more. Screenplays where conflict arises only from the suffering of a young, attractive woman are often more reflective of the writer’s mental health than about telling a story. They read like a cry for psychiatric help rather than entertainment.

August: Do the sexist notions cut both ways, affecting both genders? 

Karina: Horror movies have to conform to a fairly solid set of conventions – otherwise they’re not horror films anymore. Unfortunately, filmmakers mix up stereotypes and tropes, and recycle the same old same old characters thinking that this is what the genre demands. It’s not. As long as your story is structured along the right lines, you can innovate with characters, especially in terms of race, age and gender. The more you defy expectations on that front, the more enjoyable even a familiar story can be. CHASTITY BITES is good example of a recent independent horror movie that made huge efforts to defy stereotypes, with a subsequent payoff in audience good times.

August: Why do you feel sexism in the genre seems to carry on, after significant amounts of (if partial) progression?

Karina: The male gaze. We’ve been looking at women as objects rather than subjects for so long, that we’ve forgotten there are other ways of seeing ourselves. So many movies across the board, from family fare to R-Rated, are produced, directed, photographed, written, edited and scored entirely by men that there’s no room for female perspectives. The statistics from research like that done by the Geena Davis Institute on women’s roles within the media are heartbreaking. There are so many talented women out there who never get a voice, or, when they do, their voice is diluted.  It’s so rare to see a film like Sam Taylor-Johnson’s NOWHERE BOY that even partially embraces the way women look at men with desire rather than the other way around.  She’s up to direct FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, which could be very interesting. So sexism is a huge issue across movies in general, not just horror.  I sincerely hope things will change throughout the entire industry so that the female gaze becomes a familiar way of seeing for audiences.

August: How can readers, film watchers and creative artists make a positive difference in these regards?

Karina: Tell stories not just about women but from a female point of view. Embrace those stories where you find them. Think about ways in which the female gaze is different from the male’s, and why there’s room for both in our filmed and printed fictions. Tell your friends. Begin a cultural revolution.

August: Brilliant. Any such horror writers, books or films you’d recommend?

Karina: Where to start? Anne Rice, Angela Carter, Shirley Jackson, Daphne Du Maurier are the grande dammes of horror fiction, and they’ve been telling stories from a female point of view for a long time. If you haven’t read them, you should. More recently, Michelle Paver, Sarah Pinborough, Sarah Waters, Lisa Tuttle, Muriel Gray, Sarah Gran, Sarah Langan and many more – go crazy with your “To Read” pile (but why are there so many Sarahs?). I’m always looking for suggestions for my column on horror and cult fiction, LURID, at LitReactor so hit me up via Twitter (@medkno). Female-directed horror movies you should see are AMERICAN MARY, TROUBLE EVERY DAY, NEAR DARK, IN MY SKIN, FUGUE, PET SEMATARY, THE COMMUNE and THE ATTIC, again, to name but a few. There’s so much material out there.

To learn more about Karina, visit www.horrorfilmhistory.com.

We’d love to hear your thoughts! What struck you most about Karina’s insight? What’s your take on “strong female” characters? Do you seek out or aim to write/create female-driven stories? What’s your favorite horror book or film? ♥

Boobs, Brainlessness and Horror Films: Sexism on the Big Screen

“Sex is like flypaper to the average murdering psychopath, and anyone who wishes to participate in it during a horror movie is going to die horribly, probably mid-coitus.” – Cracked.com

Amber: Popular girlfriend of Jason (male lead/college football star), blonde and blue-eyed, beautiful, but with hint of mischievousness – think Exotic meets Girl Next Door. After seeing Jason kiss her best friend, she runs away, has sex for the first time ever with Jason’s geek brother Tom, then gets lost in the woods where she is attacked by werewolves.

With a description like that, wouldn’t you just love to be Amber? I wanted to, badly, leading up to my audition for the indie film role during my acting days. My heart aches a bit, recalling how fervently I tried to bring depth to the countless lovely yet dim-witted or smart but dangerously seductive characters I portrayed. Huddled with other actors at my coach’s studio, we’d take turns exploring the emotional layers that hid beneath our characters’ ruses.  “Kim” was as insecure as anyone, I’d assert, and simply played her “dumb” card for attention she felt unworthy of. “Jessi” wasn’t using her sexuality, so much as seeking and celebrating it the only way she knew how; it only appeared that she was pushing her boobs in guys’ faces then treating them heartlessly. (Sometimes boobs just, you know, fly up there! And sometimes you really do need to wash your hair on Friday night…or accidentally stab a guy.)

If nothing else, the preparation made the characters more appealing to portray, staving off the sense that I was selling out. Giving my all to every role I played seemed crucial to my craft and career, both of which I took seriously. There are supposedly no “small parts,” after all. It took me a while to realize that my preparation—adding depth where none was desired—may’ve worked against me, preventing me from landing many of the roles I’d hoped might lead me to grander pastures.

One casting director told me to not to “think so hard,” that the character was “light and perky” and that something about my portrayal seemed too introspective and mature. Another suggested I be less articulate. “Think bimbo barbie,” she offered with a laugh.

I believe Sanford Meisner’s theory, that the best acting involves living truthfully in imaginary circumstances. (Similar notions apply to great writing, in my opinion.) The problem with Amber and characters like her is that they make authentic portrayal nearly impossible, without extreme stretches of one’s imagination. Why? Because sexist stereotypes, such as the “dumb blonde” persona, aren’t truthful. Sadly, they cement and perpetuate the false notions, leading the masses to take them seriously on some level—even when it’s all in the name of good fun.

With Halloween on the horizon, I decided to go through some of the horror scripts and audition scenes from 5 or 6 years ago. Here are a few patterns I observed, with very few exceptions:

♦ The female lead (Perky Popular Girl) is likely to walk directly into obviously dangerous situations she’s terrified of, alone. When the monsters or intruders attack, she’ll stop like a stunned deer, tremble and cry then attempt to claw her way out of the situation by flailing about.

♦ Popular Girl must house her perky breasts in a powerful pushup bra (my breasts have been taped in place – OUCH) and maintain salon-chic, if romantically tousled, hair and makeup, even after being chased through a dark wood or stuck in an abandoned cabin, car or camper for days on end.

♦ Chaos will undoubtedly unfold during a rainstorm, in which Popular Girl’s perky, pushed-up breasts will have no choice but to make themselves (much more) known. As she runs frantically through the rainy wilderness, she’ll fall down at least 7 trillion many times.

♦ The sharpest female character will be a gawky, unpopular, non-blonde virgin, and likely Perky Popular Girl’s adversary. Desperate to be “cool,” but loathing female peers who are (while possibly lusting after Mr. Cool Asshole), she’ll outlive her “oversexed” (having any sex) counterparts.

♦ If Perky, Popular Girl and her stud-muffin beau are sexually active, the monsters/evil forces/psycho-killer will transform them from lust-filled lovers into a bloody pulp—or, if they’re lucky, vengeful zombies.

Some psychologists theorize that sexual stereotypes are perpetuated in horror films because we, as viewers, have been socialized to associate Barbie-like women and studly “bad boys” with sex. Filmmakers want to arouse viewers on multiple levels—and little gets our adrenaline flowing like sexual arousal.

Sexual arousal is a GREAT thing, as everyone at Girl Boner Central (including you fabulous readers!) well know. What saddens me is how many of us witness these ideals without recognizing the potential harm. (It’s extremely easy not to, considering their abundance.) Even if we have wonderful intentions, the notions can creep into our subconscious, strengthening society’s hurtful messages that we have to look and act a certain way to be considered attractive and valuable, and that sex is a dark, insidious and risky practice reserved for certain people—who, if they’re young, will be severely punished.

While I don’t think it’s necessary to avoid horror flicks or other films with sexist themes, I do think it’s important to recognize the damaging stereotypes, and for those of us who wish to change these stereotypes—and ourselves, for the better—to dig deeper. Asking questions, forcing ourselves to look beyond the surface of entertainment (even when it’s unpleasant), supporting and creating sex-positive works and engaging in conversation about these issues can go a long way. We’re not likely to gain Hollywood happy endings quickly or soon, but every step matters.

We’ll explore these topics further in upcoming posts. In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! Does sexism or other stereotyping in horror films bother you? Which stereotype irks you most? Any commonalities to add to my list? Don’t be shy! Here in GirlBoner-land, we welcome all respectful thoughts. ♥

The Beluga Ballerina, Gal Pals and the Magic of Dreaming Out Loud

I’ve long believed in the immeasurable power of articulating our dreams. Writing, speaking and sharing our hearts’ desires can turn whimsicle maybes into attainable goals by strengthening our beliefs, holding us accountable and shaping our actions with intent. Every now and then, dreaming out loud seems to work like sheer magic. Other times, we simply need to think outside of the box…

Many Halloweens ago, when I was five, I decided to dress up as a ballerina. Seems like a reasonable costume for a little girl, right? I thought so, regardless of the blizzardy Minnesota winter that had arrived prematurely. As the time to trick-or-treat drew near, I donned my heart-studded tights, pink leotard and sparkly tutu, eager to tromp through the snowdrifts in the name of candy. My mother’s plan for me varied slightly.

The moment she handed me my bright blue, squooshy snow pants, my dancer dreams dissipated like snow dots on a warm windshield. NO WAY! I’d told everyone (the entire kinder-verse) about my costume, dreamed constantly of wearing it and absolutely couldn’t let pillowy pants wreck everything!

Racing back to my bedroom, I removed my costume and slipped it back on—over my snow-gear. If I had to be a baby beluga whale in a tutu, so be it. Costumes shouldn’t discriminate! And besides, even then I deemed whales lovely.

Joyfully comparing myself to a beluga whale ballerina (high praise from that five-year-old) I ended up having a blast that night, delighting in the added attention and candy my puffy getup brought me. Given the chance, I probably would’ve opted for the beluga getup in snow over the ordinary look in sunshine. Regardless, my costume dreams had come true, and I had the sugar high to prove it.

I imagine many of us recall making seemingly fanciful dreams come true in our youth. As a whole, we adults are less likely to dream boldly or seek creative ways to lure our aspirations into fruition, particularly in the face of naysayers (to which, I say, bah humbug!). While maturity is invaluable, we sure can learn particular lessons from children.

Lately, I’ve been reminded of the importance of sharing dreams with like-minded others–in my case, adults who agree that some of the most cherished parts of us should never grow up. Since my pals and I are raging photo-oholics aren’t exactly camera shy, I have visual momentos from our recent dream-filled gatherings. I’m telling you, these gals are magic! Wondrous things have evolved for numerous of us since our shared time, and there’s more to come; I feel it! I also know that pursuing our passions allowed us all to meet, for which I’m eternally grateful. ♥

Click to view slideshow.

I’ll be sharing more regarding our unfolding dreams soon, but for now I simply felt like saying THANKS—to the universe, to my friends, for the freedoms we have that allow us to cultivate dreams lofty and small, and to you all for your continual awesomeness and support. You rock like king-size candy bars to trick-or-treating tykes.

I’d love to hear from you! Has sharing a recent dream helped make it happen? Any related childhood stories to share? If you’re inclined, please post a comment letting me know what you’re dreaming toward. I’m telling you – there is power in sharing! I’d love to help cheer you on.