August McLaughlin's Blog, page 54

Your Brain on Porn: 10 Common Signs of Addiction

“If a man or woman ejaculates to pornography on a regular basis they will actually attach to sex as object relationships as opposed to intimate relationships.” — Douglas Weiss, psychologist and executive director of Colorado’s Heart to Heart Counseling Center

What do you look at or imagine most during sex? What about just before you climax? If your answer has anything to do with a XXX website, photograph or movie, you’re at high risk for porn addiction, a condition that reportedly affects 10 percent of adults, according to Brigham Young University. Yikes, right?

Here’s why:

Whatever we envision, real or imaginary, during arousal and orgasm, when our levels of feel-good “I’m so turned on!” brain chemicals are at their highest, imprints on our brains. So the more often we watch or imagine porn during sex, the more likely we become to only experience turn-on and orgasm via porn, versus a lover. This is a definite setup for addiction. Once it develops, porn addiction can greatly detract from a person’s life.

The more porn the brain perceives during arousal, the more it wants.

10 Signs of Porn Addiction

Porn addiction affects people differently, but here are some of the common signs:

Needing to use porn for arousal or orgasm
Needing to use porn to relax, think straight or function normally
Reduced interest in normal sex
Using porn frequently and routinely (such as daily or more)
An inability to go a week, a month or longer without porn use
Defensiveness about porn habits
Secrecy about porn habits
Using porn instead of socializing or tending to work or family obligations
A strong desire for extreme sex or porn-like body types
Feeling generally withdrawn and having difficulty focusing

Thanks to folks like Rachel Khona, a writer whose ex-boyfriend’s porn addiction compelled her to speak up about the seriousness of the dependency, conversations are taking place, bringing light to this growing epidemic and help to those affected.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Rachel on Girl Boner Radio on Monday. To learn more about her experience and what to do if you suspect that you or your partner is struggling with addiction, listen to our chat via iTunes:

Porn Addiction: A True Story

Rachel Khona

Related links and resources:

The Washington Times: More Women Lured to Pornography Addiction,

Brigham Young University: Pornography Statistics

Sexual Recovery Institute: 10 Signs Your Partner Might Be a Sex or Porn Addict

Have you or a loved one been affected by porn addiction? How do you keep sexual intimacy going strong, with or without porn? What did you think of our interview? As always, I love hearing your thoughts! ♥

To learn more about Rachel and her work, visit RachelKhona.com and connect with her on Twitter: @RachelKhona.

#GirlBoner Solo Sex: 5 Masturbation Tips Worth Trying

It would make sense, right? Masturbation is the most common form of sex of all time and invites countless awesome benefits, from improved moods, partner sex and orgasmic euphoria to a lowered risk for heart disease. Talk about sexy medicine!

As you may know, May is National Masturbation Month (thanks to all of you who’ve dropped me notes with reminders!). In other words, it’s as perfect a time as any to seek out ways to make the most of our self-lovemaking time. ;)

5 Masturbation Tips Worth Trying

1. Throw a solo self-love party. What’s the last nurturing thing you did for yourself? What about your body? Setting aside time for a bit of solo Girl Boner love is a beautiful way to show yourself, body, sexuality and even your partner—who will benefit from your many perks—that you care. Pour some wine, light candles, start the romantic tunes or an erotic video and play! Short on time? A solo quickie can help zap the lows of a long or stressful day and help you snooze better later. For even more sexiness, tell your partner about it later. (Ooh, la LA!)

2. Try new positions or toys. Would you want to make love with a partner exactly the same way time after time? Adding variety to your solo-sex life brings more fun and novelty to the experience while teaching you new techniques and turn-ons you can enjoy with or without a partner thereafter. If you typically have sex in bed, try the sofa or ride on a pillow-topped footstool. If you normally use a vibrator, try a dildo or your fingers. If you tend to lie on your front or back, try lying sideways.

3. Get yourself off in public. Well, fairly in public. ;) Dr. Jennifer Landa, a physician and author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women, suggests having solo sex just about anywhere using a vibrating device you can slip into your panties and operate with a cordless remote. (I’m not sure how my highly sensitive clitoris would react to this, but it seems worth trying!) You could also have your partner operate the controls — YOWZA — or try hiding away in a restroom or your car to subtly bring yourself to climax through other means. Obviously, discreetness is important. 

4. Add nipple-gasms to the mix. Research shows that stimulating our nipples lights up the brain much like genital stimulation does. Cosmopolitan writer Natasha Burton recommends spending a few minutes playing with your nipples during masturbation, which, she says, brings many women to the scrumptious Big O. Use your fingers or try a nipple sucker, such as these devices, which can also be used on your clit.

Credit: Wiley Publishing/Barry Komisaruk

5. Make it a priority.  We women are notorious for putting others’ needs before our own. If you love your body enough to stay physically active, eat well or see your doctor annually (I hope you do!) but fail to consider sexual self-TLC, you could be seriously missing out. Loving yourself through solo-sex helps facilitate healthier, happier intimate relationships, keeps our libido strong and improves our physical and emotional health. And heck. It’s a lot cheaper than therapy! (Not that there’s anything wrong with therapy, of course.) Put it on your calendar, if need be. You and your Girl Boner deserve it!

For more Masturbation Month fun, check out Kitt Crescendo’s post, Lessons in Going Solo. She’s shared groovy tips on partner masturbation, lubing your way to sexy bliss and more.

Which tip intrigues you most? Any to add to my list? As always, I adore your respectful thoughts! ♥

When Size Doesn’t Matter with BBW Kelly Shibari

“I think it’s more important to be happy and confident than it is to be a certain size, a certain hair color, a certain bra size… Happiness is more important than a number.” — Kelly Shibari

This week on Girl Boner Radio, I had one of my most insightful interviews yet. Kelly Shibari, an award-winning adult film star and marketing pro recently made history as the first BBW (big, beautiful woman) to grace the cover of a Penthouse Magazine title. Raised in Japan and having always been a larger girl, Kelly never imagined that she’d one day gain professional esteem for her looks, performance artistry and sexy pizzazz in the U.S.—particularly in her mid-30s (practically “old” for a model/porn star). When a writers’ strike put a halt to her other film industry work in Los Angeles, a chance conversation brought light to a spicy new path she’s stuck to since. And has it ever paid off.

Kelly Shibari made history as the first plus-size Penthouse cover girl.

Kelly had fabulous things to say on the air about the adult industry, the varying attitudes about sexuality in Japan versus the states, how she’s cultivated a fulfilling personal off-camera life and what makes us all sexy—regardless of shape or size. I could’ve talked with her for hours! Lucky for us all, she was kind enough to answer a few more questions via email.

Read our Q&A and listen to our radio interview using the links below—you don’t want to miss Kelly’s awesomeness!

Girl Boner Radio After-Chat with Kelly Shibari

August: What’s your favorite way to chill out when you’re not working?

Kelly: Because most of my work involves dealing with the public – either marketing my stuff or my clients’ – my down time is usually spend hiding out—watching movies, traveling, staying by the pool… Basically anything that takes me away from my computer or phone! Though I find that my down time is usually in sporadic bursts rather than days at a time.

August: What’s one thing your fans would be surprised to learn about you?

Kelly: I have one superhero weakness: I never learned how to ride a bicycle. It’s particularly funny because the racial stereotype of Asians is that we all know how. I suppose if I were ever trapped on a planet with no means to travel except by cycling, I probably wouldn’t survive very long. ;)

And yes, that also means that whenever anyone says, “It’s just like riding a bike,” I look at them like they’re nuts. LOL!

August: What would a dream date with your guy involve?

Kelly: Sleeping in. Watching movies in bed. Cuddling. Then probably laying on a beach or by a pool while great music is playing and drinks are flowing. Oh, and a massage!

August: What quote inspires you?

Kelly: This Mother Theresa quote is right above my sink, and I read it every day as I brush my teeth. The other one is often in my head.

August: You mentioned loving sex toys. Do you have a favorite?

I absolutely am in love with the Shibari Wand HALO. Yes, it’s a company I work with, and I obviously love the name. But it really does work really, really well – both for longer play as well as quickie masturbation sessions! And it’s not necessarily a sex toy, but I love Wicked Sensual’s line of flavored lubes. With non-cloying flavors like Salted Caramel (seriously!!!), they’re absolutely amazing.

***

YUM, right? To listen to our interview, check out this link on iTunes. It’s also available via Global Voice Broadcasting.

If you like what you hear, I hope you’ll consider posting a simple rating or review on iTunes. Happy ratings and reviews help keep the Girl Boner Radio fires burning! Huge thanks for any support. ♥

To learn more about Kelly, connect with her on Twitter: @KellyShibari. You can also visit her explicit website, KellyShibariXXX.com.

What did you think of Kelly’s insight? How have you learned to embrace your body or sexuality? We’d love to hear from you! 

The Adult Film Job I Turned Down and Ones I’d Consider #RealWorldSex

“Passion in life…is life. It’s contagious. Get naked and roll around in it.” — Lorii Meyers

When I was 18 and working as a model in Manhattan, money was not my priority. I wanted to build my career, gain industry respect and work with esteemed photographers, designers and stylists. I was fortunate enough to do just that. One arguable downside was that I didn’t make as much money as a commercial model would, doing shoots for brands like Target versus editorial spreads. (Because editorial jobs provide tear sheets and invaluable exposure that invite more work, they pay far less than less glamorous gigs models only benefit from monetarily.) I made enough money to support myself in NYC, however, which sufficed for me.

Polaroid from one of my editorial shoots in NYC

Even so, when one of my bookers called me with a booking offer unaffiliated with the agency (“under the table,” one might call it) that paid $17,000 (!!!)  for one day’s work, I was giddy. The pay appealed to me, simply because a heftier cushion in the bank would’ve been nice. It’s not as though models have unions or 401k options. As soon I heard the job’s details, however, I was quite happy to continue on my thrift store-shopping ways.

The job, he said, was a hardcore porn shoot. After “porn,” the rest of the description smudged together. This was well before I gained sexual empowerment or began exploring issues like pornography, and the notion terrified me. I’d only had sex with one person, the on-and-off boyfriend I semi-expected to marry one day, and was shy about physical intimacy of all kinds. Even the casual “MWAH! MWAH!” cheek-turn-cheek kisses common in the industry freaked me out. (Where I’m from in Minnesota, we give one another space!) And to many I knew, premarital sex was a sin. If they were right, I was already pointed toward Hell; there had to be even worse fates for porn stars. I turned it down and that booker, who was years later fired from the agency, never treated me quite the same. That job would’ve allowed him a hefty commission, with the potential of future similar paychecks had the client taken me in as a regular.

I have no problem whatsoever with people’s decision to work in the adult industry, even in the context of hardcore porn. I also appreciate visual sexual expression as an enticing, important art form. While many of my views about sexuality have shifted since my late teens (thank goodness), I remain disinterested in performing in hardcore porn. Similar to a major reason I quit modeling, I take issue with the way bodies, sexuality and “beauty” are portrayed by mainstream porn and the proven ways they can damage our body image, relationships and sexuality. I would, on the other hand, consider performing in choice feminist porn or erotica—both of which support healthier, broader ideals. As someone who’s always loved performance art and creative expression, the notion totally intrigues me. (I did, after all, have sex with an imaginary man in one of my last acting jobs.)

As Cindy Gallop, the advertising exec turned groundbreaking activist and creator/CEO of Make Love Not Porn, a website that teaches the differences between porn and real sex, explained on my show last week, lumping all porn together is like suggesting that all books are similar. While most hardcore, mainstream porn promotes fairly limited, male-centric, unrealistic ideals, broader sub-genres have been cropping up. Appropriately used, there’s something valuable out there for everyone; we simply need to dig a bit deeper if we’re not into mainstream hardcore depictions.

Thanks to Cindy Gallop and her team, we don’t have to search hard at all for a related sex-positive alternative. One of her latest Make Love Not Porn ventures features real-world sex–REAL individuals, couples, threesomes and more having sex on camera for whoever so chooses to see. I don’t know about you, but I find that incredibly exciting. When you become a member of MakeLoveNotPorn.TV, you can view, post and share others’  real sex videos! You can even make money doing it—but that’s only one perk.

Cindy Gallop (left) and her Make Love Not Porn TV team

To learn more about Cindy Gallop and the benefits of watching and making your own real-sex videos, visit Make Love Not Porn and listen to our interview on Girl Boner Radio. You can also connect with Cindy throughout social media. A self-proclaimed Facebook and Twitter addict (yet another of her attributes!), I’m sure she’d love to hear from you.

Would you perform in hardcore porn, given the chance? What about feminist porn or real-world sex? What did you think of  our radio interview? I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! ♥

 

Sleep-gasms: Female Nocturnal Orgasms and Wet Dreams

I had an incredibly erotic experience the other night. I dreamed I met a man in a bar and without saying a word, began riding his leg. Within what seemed like moments, I climaxed so intensely that it jolted me awake. My handsfree orgasm lingered as I laid there in my PJs, my heart and vagina pulsing, as wet as though I’d been rigorously sexually active for hours. Who knows? Perhaps I had.

This wasn’t my first nocturnal orgasm, but it was definitely the most powerful I recall. Thank you, research! I’d watched an intriguing TED presentation by Mary Roach, author of BONK, called 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Orgasm, the evening prior. (Manning Girl Boner Central has so. Many. Perks!) Add an active imagination and all sorts of things open up—YUM! but no pun intended. ;)

I love the fact that I can savor and share such experiences without shame and discuss them with you all here. I also love the empowerment embracing our sexuality brings to all who seek it. The more we step into, respect and savor our sexuality, the better able we become to connect with and delight in it, making way for fuller, more authentic lives. Seems like an orgasmic dream-come-true to me.

Authenticity is SEXY, no matter what it looks like.

“Women have sleep-gasms?” I recall wondering years ago, well before beginning my research into sexuality or launching Girl Boner. Indeed we do! If you’ve wondered yourself about the erotic phenomena, consider the following.

5 Facts About Female Sleep-gasms and Wet Dreams

1. They’re common. In 1953, sexuality researcher Alfred Kinsey, Ph.D found that nearly 40% of the 5,628 women he interviewed experienced at least one nocturnal orgasm or wet dream (technically called “nocturnal emissions”) by age 45. Considering how little women were encouraged to embrace their sexuality or speak about it back then, I’m guessing the numbers are far greater.

2. And recurrent. About 85% of women who orgasm during sleep do so several times per year, according to more recent findings published in the Journal of Sex Research. Now that’s a recurrent dream worth keeping! I’d much prefer night-gasms to flying or stalker dreams—wouldn’t you?

3. They start early. Like boys, many girls experience wet dreams during adolescence. If you have a daughter, sex and relationships expert and author Laura Berman, Ph.D. recommends discussing nighttime orgasms with her when she reaches the 5th or 6th grade to prevent any shame or confusion and to enhance her sense of self.

4. You may not realize you’ve had them. Mid-sleep orgasms usually take place during REM sleep, according to Dr. Barbara Bartlik, a psychiatrist and sex therapist in New York, when we’re deepest asleep and blood flow to our genitals peaks. Unless you’re woken meanwhile, you’re unlikely to recall the orgasm or any coinciding dream. Unlike men, who consistently ejaculate, our evidence can be less apparent.

5. There’s no shame in having, or not having, them. Sexy dreams, wet or dry, can be an outlet for sexual expression. They’re also believed to symbolize intimate connections with one’s self or others, according to DreamCloud. That said, having them doesn’t make us normal or abnormal, better or worse sexually or otherwise. There should be no shame in having or not having erotic dreams or orgasms during the day or night. If you do experience them, however, I highly recommend embracing them.

Have you had nocturnal orgasms or wet dreams? Which fact above most struck you? I love hearing your thoughts! For more Girl Boner fun, be sure to scope out the Girl Boner Facebook page, connect with me on Twitter and tune in to Girl Boner Radio. Today I’ll be interviewing the incomparable Cindy Gallop, of Make Love, Not Porn. ♥

 

Addie Vincent and Mia Isabella: Taking the Taboos Out of Trans*

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” — Carl Jung

How often do you think about authenticity? Along with passion, there’s little I value more. If I’d had any doubt that being true to ourselves is the pathway to a better world and an overall fulfilling existence, my latest guests on Girl Boner Radio would’ve doused it.

I was crazy honored to chat with two inspiring members of the trans* community on Monday: Addie Vincent, a trans-queer college senior, “gender bender” and outspoken activist, and Mia Isabella, a transexual adult entertainer who’s rapidly become the positive role model she for many years lacked.

If you’ve ever wondered what might happen if you listened to that inner-nudge telling you life would be more wondrous if only you pursued a particular passion or stepped fully and openly into who you truly are, trust me—you’re in for a treat!

While we focused largely on issues affecting the trans* community, which is reason enough to support them, their insight and messages of self-acceptance, respect and empowerment are universal.

To listen to the show, visit Taking the Taboo Out of Trans* on iTunes. 

Addie Vincent and Mia Isabella prove that our differences make us beautiful.

To learn more about Addie, visit Addie Vincent for Delta Queen 2014 on Facebook. Addie tweets from @AddieVincent92. For more about Mia Isabella, check out her adult website, Mia-Isabella.com, and connect with her on Twitter: @THEMiaIsabella. I know they’d love to hear from you! As would I. :)

What did you think of the show? What insight from Addie or Mia stood out most? How might you move more fully into your authentic self? ♥ 

 

 

8 Nonsexual Ways to Turn Yourself On, Making Way for an Orgasmic Life

“To live the life you’ve always wanted, you must confront the issues you’ve always avoided.” — Orrin Woodward

Are you happy with your sex life? Satisfied with how often or intensely you make love or orgasm? As sexually fulfilled as you could be? If the answer is far from a confident YES, you’re not alone. While married couples report having sex just over once per week on average, according to a News Week report, which is more than singles, 15 to 25 percent of married couples have sexless marriages, meaning they have sex 10 or fewer times per year. The report didn’t cover sexual desire, but I imagine that in many of these cases, it’s lacking; what we truly desire, we tend to prioritize and make time for.

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to sex frequency. What matters is cultivating a healthy sex life that you and, if you’re coupled up, your partner find fulfilling—regardless of the specifics. And there’s a big difference between feeling generally content or accepting (“this is what it is, so I’ll take it”) and deeply, soulfully fulfilled. I’ve also gathered that many folks in sexless partnerships are lacking in the fulfillment department, potentially without giving it much thought.

I watched a fascinating PBS documentary over the weekend called This Emotional Life. One of the couples featured nearly divorced due to a lack of sex. Considering sexlessness a marital deal breaker, the husband told his wife he’d leave if that didn’t change.

His wife had thought she was happy without sex, deeming his companionship enough. After considering the ultimatum, however, she looked back on her life and had an epiphany: she’d been holding on to negative notions about sexuality since childhood and those notions were detracting from her marriage, sexuality and ability to lead a fully gratifying life. That awareness saved their marriage and undoubtedly parts of herself, and brought more than a few tears to my eyes.

Unless you’re asexual, desiring and enjoying sex routinely is natural, embraceable and arguably vital for overall wellness. If your sex life and libido are lacking gusto, I challenge you to look deeper into the underlying issues so you change them.

While sex can seem difficult to ease in to our hectic lives, the reasons for sexual absence and complacency often have less to do with schedules or technicalities and more to do with deeper issues. Fortunately, they’re typically manageable—perhaps more than you think!

8 Nonsexual Ways to Turn Yourself On and Make Way for an Orgasmic Life

While different strokes work for different folks (scrumptious pun!), one or more of the following steps just might help put the ooh-la-la back into your bedroom.

1. Challenge negative beliefs about sexuality. If thoughts of sex cause some embarrassment or you feel more shameful than sensual, start changing your thoughts and behaviors to reflect otherwise. Seek out sex-positive publications (and hmm… radio shows! ;)) and remind yourself that sex really is beautiful, natural and worthy of your time and energy.

2. Prioritize rest. Exhaustion is a leading libido tanker for women and men. Whether it’s shifting to healthier nightly sleep habits or taking more work breaks, do what you can to increase restfulness. Your Girl Boner will thank you! If you aren’t making time for rest, after all, you probably aren’t making time for sexual intimacy.

3. Eat well. Eating a balanced diet, based on whole foods helps ensure that your nutrient and energy needs are met and supports healthy circulation, which is crucial for arousal, libido and orgasm. Eating too many low-nutrient processed foods or dieting, on the other hand, detracts from your overall health, making arousal and orgasm less likely.

4. Respect your body. Eating and resting well are big parts of body-respect, but there are many ways to take it further. Replace negative self-talk about your body with gratitude. Aim for routine, enjoyable physical activity. Stay on top of personal hygiene and avoid toxic habits, such as smoking and excessive drinking. Listen to your body, including hunger, satiation, arousal and tiredness cues, then respond to them appropriately. Simply checking in with yourself can go a long way.

5. Have your hormones checked. Twenty to 30 percent of adults report having little or no sex drive, which can derive from health issues including age-related hormonal shifts and birth control pills. If your libido has left the building, making sure your hormone levels and overall health are in-check may make all the difference. For more on female libido loss, check out Low Sex Drive in Women, by Dr. Laura Berman.

6. Try new things! Newness helps your brain produce all kinds of feel-good chemicals—the ones we associate with “falling in love” intoxication. If your sex life feels stagnant, plan an adventurous date for you alone or with a partner. Take up a new class or hobby you’re intrigued by. Research shows the changes need not be major.

7. Detoxify. I’m not talking about risky juice cleanses or pills, but life toxins. The job you hate, “friends” whose behavior or ideals leave you feeling crappy, harmful crutches, such as over-spending money or guzzling down energy drinks, can all hinder your emotional, physical and sexual wellness. Replacing these toxins with self-care provides a triple win that yes indeed! Enhances our sexual va va va voom!

8. Pursue your passions. This is so important! Life passions can ignite sexual passion and vice versa. When we’re emotionally fulfilled and excited about our lives, we’re more likely to desire and delight in sexy fun. If your life is feeling passionless, change it TODAY. Even one step in the right direction may be all it takes to put you on the right track, inviting endless rewards.

Lastly, it’s important to practice patience with yourself and take baby steps. Eating an apple instead of a doughnut and taking a nap probably won’t instantly make you want to grab your partner or sex toy and go for it! (Though, you never know! ;)) We should aim to take care of ourselves, knowing that a healthier, happier sex life will evolve as a precious byproduct—if we’re open and willing. Communication and honesty are also key, and both heighten intimacy. But geez—enough for one blog post! ;) Your turn!

What could you do, or have you done, to improve your sex life? What do you find most challenging? Which tip struck you most? I love hearing from you! 

For more sexy fun, I hope you’ll tune in to Girl Boner Radio today. I’ll be chatting with two incredibly inspiring, beautiful inside and out transgender folks who are making an important difference in the world. If you subscribe via iTunes, it’ll appear on your playlist automatically tonight! Much gratitude for the support. ♥

Adult Film Star Belle Knox on #GirlBoner Radio

“The issue with the discussion of pornography is that people see it as either something that’s good or bad. It’s not that black and white.” — Belle Knox

This week on Girl Boner Radio I had the privilege of chatting with Belle Knox, the rising adult film performer who you may know as “Duke’s porn star.” But there’s so much more to Belle Knox (her stage name) than what headlines suggest. Yes, she’s young, attending a prestigious school, supporting herself and her education by acting and expressing herself in pornography and has had her life and safety threatened.

She’s also a highly intelligent, insightful young woman who aspires to make a positive difference in the world. Many of her philosophies are right inline with Girl Boner, and I admire her for using the tremendous spotlight that’s recently flooded her life to speak up about female sexuality and societal wrongs she’d love to make right.

How difficult did her recent dark times get? What did she learn about sex as a kid? How does porn affect her body image, and what does she find empowering about rough sex? We discussed all of this and more! To listen to our interview, visit this link on iTunes: Belle Knox on Girl Boner Radio.

 

For more about Belle in her own words, check out her recent articles: 

“I’m the Duke University Freshman Porn Star and for the First Time I’m Telling the Story In My Own Words.” (Here she used the pen name “Lauren.”)

“I’m Finally Revealing My Name and Face as the Duke Porn Star“

“In Defense of Kink: My First Role as the Duke Porn Star Was On a Rough Sex Website, and No, That Doesn’t Make Me a Bad Feminist.”

If you enjoyed our interview and Belle’s insight, let us know! Post a comment below or connect with us on Twitter. You can tweet Belle at @belle_knox.

Can you relate to her childhood sex ed story? Do you find rough sex empowering? What issues regarding the adult entertainment matter to you? I love hearing from you! ♥

4 Things I Wish Would Change About P*rn

“For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.” — Naomi Wolf

Yikes. Porn is a sticky issue for many feminists and sex-positives—no pun intended. Wolf’s quote derives from an article she wrote for New York Magazine called The Porn Myth, based on her research and discussions with college students, and I find her overall insight spot on. While I don’t believe all women are compared to pornographic images by partners or themselves (at least not consciously), countless are—particularly if they or their partners routinely partake. Based on recent statistics, MANY are, and at a cost.

Every second, $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography and 28,2258 people are viewing porn online, including children, and porn addiction is on the continual rise. — Family Safe Media

Would this be the case if as a culture, we celebrated and respected our bodies and sexuality rather than exploiting both? I personally believe the numbers above would be significantly lower, as would the negative repercussions of porn use, and we’d all benefit tremendously from the shift.

I have no problem with the explicit nature of pornography or the celebration of sexuality as a profitable business. We’re visual creatures, after all, and enticing our Girl Boners with sensual eye sweets is a groovy thing! Much like Wolf, however, I do take issue with other aspects of the industry. Today I’ve decided to whip out my trusty magic wand and share some wishes. (Hey—a girl can dream!)

4 Things I Wish Would Change About Porn

1. It depicted a broad range of body types and ages. The typical porn star is young, tan and, by society’s standards, flawless. Females are lithe yet toned and large-breasted, a combination that seldom occurs in nature, and males have been known to rely on steroids and cosmetic surgery to create that “perfectly” chiseled, large penis-ed physique. Whether we realize it consciously or not, this sends the very real and strong message that to be sexually attractive, we must look like those folks and pointing out supposed flaws that are actually just beautiful, authentic aspects of our appearance.

What would result: Women and men feel and appear more beautiful and embraceable, which leads to happier, more gratifying lives and relationships.

2. It featured a broad range of realistic sexual activities. There’s a place for just about everything when it comes to sexy play, as long as we’re not harming anyone. “Rough sex,” for example, provides some women a healthy way to explore the common fantasy of being dominated by a man, says Laura Berman, Ph.D, and can even help survivors of sexual abuse heal by allowing them to play out such fantasies in a safe, controlled environment. But setting outrageous standards for what sexiness is, such as females routinely ejaculating and climaxing through penetration alone, both of which only happen for a very small minority of women, can make normal sex less enjoyable for just about anyone, given enough exposure.

What would result: Porn fanatics would have more fulfilling sex lives and relationships, gain more pleasure from realistic, “normal” sex and have a lower risk of porn addiction (which is now affecting boys and girls as young as age 8—so sad and scary!). There’d also be a smaller epidemic of erectile dysfunction, which is growing continually more common among male porn users.

3. It was gender-balanced. While it’s changing somewhat with the rise of feminist porn, pornography is still largely male-focused, even though about 30% of porn users are female. This imbalance perpetuates the myths that men are more sexual and visual than women and leads to greater objectification of women and the mistaken belief that such objectification is natural and okay.

What would result: Pornography would become more about mutual sexual gratification and connectedness than merely women pleasing men, and women would gain worthy respect.

4. It hadn’t become our culture’s sex education. If this sounds extreme, that’s because it is—but it’s also true. As countless sexuality experts will attest, children should be learning about sexuality in schools from kindergarten up, yet most are taught nothing until puberty. By this time, research shows that nearly all boys and 2/3 of girls have been exposed to porn online. When kids aren’t taught about their bodies and sexuality from trusted adults, they quell their curiosities elsewhere, and the internet is far too ready and willing to mislead them onto an unhealthy track. While limiting kids’ access to porn can help, it’ll only go so far without fuller, healthier sex education. And adults want to learn, too! We all deserve plentiful, healthy resources.

What would result: Kids would grow up respecting their bodies and sexuality and better able to cultivate healthy, happy relationships with others and themselves as adults. I can’t think of a better outcome than that.

A little food for thought:

Sex is SEXY! So is kissing, fondling and seeing realistic adults in the nude. Like many women, I can get deeply turned on by the mere thought of sex and much subtler sexuality depictions than typical porn. I’d never want to sacrifice that by growing dependent on pornography, which is HIGHLY addictive (as is my personality, which is another reason I steer clear). While porn may fit well within healthy relationships in some cases, research shows that even folks who think that routine porn use isn’t negatively affecting their relationships or views about sexuality and aesthetics, are often wrong. You know what isn’t damaging? Cultivating healthier attitudes about sexuality and doing away with taboos.

Porn is a lot like fast food. If we load up on intentionally addictive, unhealthy food-like-substances in super-size portions, we lose taste for what are bodies thrive on: natural, healthy foods. The more we eat, the more our physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual wellness suffer. Porn functions the same way. The more we rely on it, the less likely we become to delight in happy, healthy relationships in which we cherish and care for our bodies, desires and partners with as much respect and pleasure as we all deserve. Life is too precious for that, in my opinion, and so are our Girl Boners! ♥

 

Not the kind of head we should want. ;)

How do you feel about porn? Do you wish it would change in any of the ways I mentioned? Any items to add to my list? I love hearing from you!

Hungry for more??? Today on Girl Boner Radio, I’ll be interviewing Belle Knox, aka “Duke’s porn star,” another woman who wants to change elements of the porn industry and the way we as a society view female sexuality. If you subscribe via iTunes, you won’t miss a beat! ♥

Sex Ed, Scandinavians and Samosas: What It’s Like to be Girl Boner’s Mom

Hello wonderful peeps! I hope you’re having a brilliant week.

This is a short little post to let you know about a very special Girl Boner Radio interview I conducted last week. My mom visited from Minnesota, and was kind (and some would say bold) enough to chat with me on the air. We discussed her unique and spontaneous sex education in India and the states, her dating horror stories, tips for marital success and her thoughts on being “Girl Boner’s mom.”

We’d planned on recording a short clip to insert in another show, and it turned into the whole shebang! (You’ll notice that I started to wrap things up, and we kept on going. LOL) Advance apologies for my horrible attempt at a Minnesota accent; I was nudged into telling a couple of Scandinavian sex jokes. ;) To listen or download the episode via iTunes, click this link:

Sex Ed, Scandinavians and Samosas: What It’s Like to be Girl Boner’s Mom

If you listened, what did you think? What sex-related chats have you had with your parents? If you haven’t had any, what’s stopping you? I love hearing from you! ♥