August McLaughlin's Blog, page 50

Face-Slapping and Formaldehyde: 4 Risky Health and Beauty Trends

Back in my modeling, pre-nutritionist days, I was exposed to��countless��dangerous��beauty and weight control tactics���from disordered eating habits to attempting to sweat off pounds by wearing plastic bodysuits at the gym. While they aren’t always as obvious, these practices aren’t limited to the fashion world. I see them routinely in everyday life, and so, most likely, do you. Many of the most dangerous seem��innocent. And the more common they become, the more people embrace them as normal, healthy and worth any adverse consequence.

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching��the evening news when a story about face slapping as an “anti-aging” technique aired. What bothered me even more than the the “experts” touting face smacking as a useful way to minimize wrinkles was the fact that the story focused on whether or not��the practice is��effective���with no mention of the risks or what it says about our culture that people will pay someone��to��instill��pain in��an attempt to, essentially, kill the aging process. I can only imagine how many young girls caught the episode and considered��a self-smacking makeover.

Heartbreaking.

I could probably��spend the rest of my life writing��and talking on the air about risky beauty trends without a lack of��material. Here are just a handful of the latest biggies. (For more on these and others, listen to my show on the topic using the link below.)

Following a restrictive “lifestyle plan”

Now that most folks realize that dieting��doesn’t work, fewer report partaking��in recent��years. But the savvy marketing world found a loophole to dieting’s popularity loss. Makers of many harmful diets now call their regimes��“healthy lifestyle plans.” (“It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle!” How often have you heard that?) Very few truly are. If a plan keeps you from leading a healthy balanced, flexible��dietary��life, it’s a diet���particularly if it heavily restricts calories, carbs or other nutrients.

Taking risky supplements

While many valuable dietary supplements exist, countless more promise unproven results, contain risky ingredients and pose potentially serious health risks. Just because a supplement contains natural ingredients���or claims to���doesn’t mean it’s��safe or healthy. Mega-dose��and weight loss supplements are particularly risky. (I explored this one pretty extensively��on my show.)

Hair��straightening and blow-outs using formaldehyde

There’s no way to know how much formaldehyde (aka embalming fluid) these treatments contain. Considered a��“probable human carcinogen” by the Environmental Protection Agency, formaldehyde could��contribute known to cancer risks, while irritating your lungs and eyes.��“Formaldehyde has been shown to cause mutations in cellular DNA,” dermatologist Macrene Alexiades-Armenakas, MD, a professor at Yale School of Medicine told Women’sHealth, “and some may be absorbed through the scalp during the hair treatment.”

“Waist Training”

This corset-training technique praised��by Kim Kardashian all over social media is more than a waste of time and money. It can interfere with breathing, digestion, your self-image, emotional health and more. And partaking won’t merely hurt you. By engaging you contribute��to the false notion that teeny tiny waists are ideal.

To learn more about these and other risky beauty tactics, check out my recent Girl Boner Radio episode here:

Risky Diet and Beauty Trends��via iTunes

As a reminder, #YouSparkle sticky notes and more are now available in my Fem-powerment Shop! Thanks so much to those of you who’ve already placed orders and helped spread the word.�����

For more myth-debunking, check out my very first Huffington Post piece, 3 Myths About Female Sexuality ��� And Why We Keep Believing Them.��I’m so stoked and grateful for this new opportunity.

Which beauty trend here or on my show most struck you? Is there one you’d like me to explore? I love hearing from you!

#YouSparkle: Spreading Empowerment, 1 Sticky Note at a Time

Kindness��so often��benefits the giver equally or more than the receiver. Last��week’s #SparkleFriday event provided��a poignant illustration��for me.

Like other participants, the mission to engage in an act of kindness to share publicly on��Black Friday highlighted thoughtfulness in my daily life. It also illuminated new opportunities and made me wonder what extra steps I could take in honor of our sparkly celebration.

My sister and her family were visiting that week, and I had this brilliant idea to engage my four nieces in a positive body image crusade. “Let’s plaster the city with positive body image affirmations!” Isn’t that every adolescent’s idea of a��dream��vacation? ;)

On the day I’d planned for us to paint the town empowered, I left the paper��messages behind.��So after they left for the airport,��I took the messages around myself, figuring I’d post a few on public restroom mirrors. Then a funny thing happened; I didn’t want to stop.

My heart pounded and swelled as I placed messages of body-love and self-acceptance on mirrors, near gym scales and on store shelves housing risky diet products. In every instance, my thoughts spun back to the days when I could have used such messages; in fact, they could have helped save my life.

I’m so grateful to be fully past��a serious��eating disorder and decades of body-hate, to see diet pills, scales and weight loss products��without a smidgen of desire. To have time, energy and passion for pursuits that fill and��enlarge��my heart, rather than minimize and hurt me. To be able to give and connect with others. To be healthy, happy and alive. On the “alive” side of the paper messages.

As I��placed one��near diet shakes at a local grocery store, I spotted a woman slowly perusing weight loss pills nearby. I recall that trance-like state well���feeling torn, but desperate, as though the whole world is watching/judging/loathing you, when in fact, the judger/punisher is you. Our eyes met for a millisecond before hers darted away. Then she��turned and shuffled away.

I sent her some loving thoughts, placed a message��near the��pills then headed to the��restroom to post a few more. As I walked toward��the store exit, I saw��the��woman again.��She’d ��returned to the diet pill section and stood staring at what appeared to be my note.��I considered tactfully approaching her, when she took a phone call and wondered off. I have no way of knowing��if the message��influenced her, but the possibility moved me to tears.

It breaks my heart that so many fall victim to the mega-machine known as the dieting and weight loss industry. While an estimated 3% currently develop full-fledged eating disorders, countless more develop disordered eating thoughts and behaviors that keep them from living��full and vibrant lives.��The epidemic runs so deep, it’s considered “normal” to follow��restrictive diets, weigh our selves compulsively��and��tabulate calories (or fill-in-the-blank) as though they mean more than we do. The energy and money we as a culture invest into risky, ineffective body-altering��tactics could end world hunger numerous times over. But it’s difficult to change when the negative��messaging is so darn strong.

Back at home, I received responses to my mini affirmation crusade��through Facebook and Instagram. “Can I do this, too?” one woman asked. “I need those!” said another.��My friend KM Huber��suggested��we carry this on as a movement. It’s so simple, she pointed out���something anyone can do. (Did I mention that she’s brilliant?)

I imagined troops of women taking over the world with armloads of paper, scissors and tape!��Um…

WAIT! I thought. Sticky notes!

I’m so pleased to announce the launch of #YouSparkle,��a sticky note movement��with an empowering purpose!

I’ve designed��#YouSparkle sticky notepads,��each of which��provides 50 opportunities to empower others with a simple, uplifting message. You can add your own words��or leave them as-is. Post them in public places, in your home or office or in a loved one’s lunch box, pocket, dresser drawer or Christmas stocking. Or simply keep them around��as reminders that you’re beautiful precisely as you are.

More notes and designs will follow, but I think we’re off to a pretty spiffy start! I’ve included my website address on the notes so that��finders��can learn more and gain related resources,��if desired. The hashtag is meant to inspire conversation.

To join me in spreading��body-love this holiday season or any time, visit the new store section of my website��to place an order. Prices range from $4��to $13�� for 50 to 150 notes, and 100% of the proceeds support��my mission to help women embrace their bodies, selves and sexuality and do away with all-too-common shame.

You can also support #YouSparkle��by sharing your use of the notes throughout social media, including the hashtag, and interacting with and supporting others who post.

As I’m sure you’ve learned many times, words and messages, whether negative or positive, can change��lives. I really believe that simple empowering gestures like this one can go a long way. Take it from the lady running around grocery stores with Scotch tape! Better yet, give it tape-free a try. If you do, I’d love to hear about it. ���

Keeping On Shining: A #SparkleFriday Wrap-Up

You know what’s fun? Joining forces with a bunch of awesome people��to show others��what kindness can do.

I can’t thank everyone��who participated in #SparkleFriday enough. Your efforts to brighten Black Friday and warm my family’s new home were��heartfelt, thought-provoking and impactful.

As a group, you brought food and clothing to homeless people, purchased toys for children��who wouldn’t otherwise receive gifts this holiday season, cared for animals in need, gave anonymous gifts and encouraging notes to strangers, babysat for a couple so they could enjoy a well-deserved date night,��reconnected with loved ones, donated to worthy charities, cleaned up after others’ animals, created art to deliver to a nursing home, took on added housework so loved ones could sleep in, prioritized self-care and more. More than once, I was touched to tears. I hope you gained at least as much joy and warmth as you gave!

And now, to announce our prize winners! The #SparkleFriday gift packs from Good Clean Love go to���

*DRUM ROLL*

…Gayle Carline and Elizabeth Ann Mitchell!��For inspiring the��most sparkle throughout��social media with your posts and for your extreme thoughtfulness,��THANK YOU!

Gayle sparkled all over the place! And shared beautiful insight on her blog (post link below).

Special thanks to Good Clean Love for donating these wonderful prizes!

To learn more about participants’ experiences, check out these fabulous blog posts:

I’m��all a-sparkle��by Gayle Carline

Shimmer & Shine! It’s #SparkleFriday��� by Kitt Crescendo

#SparkleFriday by Raani York

#SparkleFriday, with the Kids at a Toy Store by Shan Janiah

To check out people’s posts on the event page, visit this link on Facebook or search for the hashtag #SparkleFriday.

Stay tuned later this week to learn more about my own surprising #SparkleFriday experience, and a special project it inspired. So excited! Until then, wishing you loads of happiness. ���

���No one has ever become poor by giving.��� – Anne Frank

Intersex Myths with Taylor Chandler���My Interview with Michael Phelps’ “Cougar” Intersexed Girlfriend

“I don’t want to be a celebrity, I want to make a difference.” – Lady Gaga

This quote suits last week’s Girl Boner Radio guest perfectly���only her fame came as a markedly bigger surprise to the former interpreter who, until late��September, had been leading a decidedly private life.

If you’ve read a newspaper, magazine��or visited sports or��entertainment publications��online��over the past few months, you’ve probably heard of��Taylor Chandler. You’ve probably also heard countless mistruths about her, her physiology and her history.

Taylor was born intersex, a term used to describe conditions in which you’re��born with sexual anatomy that doesn’t quite fit into typical definitions of female or male. She was born female, contrary to what some media outlets have said, and��has always identified as such. She just happened to be born with��mixed anatomy���which is more common than many people think.��She also happened to meet and fall in love with one of the most celebrated professional athletes of all time, Michael Phelps.

Once the media caught wind of their relationship and she came out publicly��about��her��physiological history, life as she knew it ended and life as “Micheal Phelps’ intersex girlfriend” began. But there’s so much more to her than all of that.

Last week I talked��with Taylor about intersex, what it means (and doesn’t), and how��coming out publicly as intersex��and being at the center of such intense media scrutiny have impacted her life. Our chat was equal parts inspiring and informative, thanks to her openness and desire to shift��the narrative from her relationship with Michael Phelps to issues that truly matter. I’m telling you���she’s one inspiring and gracious woman.

To��download or stream our interview, visit this link on iTunes:

Intersex Myths with Taylor Chandler on Girl Boner Radio

You can also listen via GVB Radio or Stitcher Radio.��To learn more about Taylor, follow her on Twitter: @RealTayChaTLC.

What did you think of the show? Of Taylor’s insight? I love hearing from you!�����

Are Your Intimacy Products Safe? Natural Lubes and Loveology with @WendyStrgar

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about sexual wellness��is��the importance of self-care. Without it, we can’t cultivate strong relationships with ourselves or others��or live gratifying, impactful lives. Part of that care is valuing our bodies and sexuality enough to treat them well, and avoiding toxins of all types���from negatively influential people to products containing risky ingredients.

Research published by the World Health Organization in 2012��linked��ingredients common in commercial lubricants with an increased risk for infections, including STDs and bacterial vaginosis, the most common yet highly under-diagnosed vaginal condition that causes inflammation, itching and other symptoms due to��bacterial imbalances. It can also appear with no overt symptoms, raising the risk for��complications. As someone prone to UTIs, I’ve been blown away by the difference using high-quality, organic products makes; I haven’t had a single bladder infection since swapping “regular” lube for organic. Seriously, that’s��life-changing.

Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing Wendy Strgar, owner of Good Clean Love,��makers of��high-quality intimacy products���including organic, all-natural lubricants, body oils and body��candles���I absolutely ADORE. Wendy is also a sought after��intimacy and relationships expert who speaks candidly about her long-lasting,��happy, highly sexually gratifying marriage. Her mission to bring love back into sex in a world fearful of intimacy is as admirable as her product line.��You’re going to love��what Wendy has to say! ��To listen, visit this link on iTunes, then pop back for our follow-up chat below:

Girl Boner Radio:��Natural Lubes and Loveology

August: In addition to prioritizing a healthy, happy sex life, what���s one major way you���ve cultivated a lasting, thriving marriage?

Wendy: A passionate sex life is the product of all the other challenging emotional work that it takes to sustain intimacy with your partner���so I spend time every day asking questions and learning how to listen better. Listening to someone, even if you feel like you have heard it a hundred times before actually feels like love to the person being heard. I also prioritize showing up for my husband, whether that is making dinner early or helping him find a clean t-shirt. Showing up means different things to different people, but in the end it feels the same for everyone. You feel like you have someone at your back, willing to help you.

August: I loved what you shared about the myth that love inevitably dwindles over time. What common myth about lasting partnerships do you feel is particularly harmful?

Wendy: I think because so many people are not well-equipped with the skills required to love over time we have come to collectively believe that long term marriage is a dead-end and that it is impossible or at least nowadays unnatural that you could have a great and evolving sexual experience with a long term partner. I think this is very harmful, because it lets people off the hook for the hard work we all need to do to continuously be curious and open to who we are as sexual beings. No one can make us feel sexy if we ourselves are not committed to relating with and understanding our erotic selves and mysterious fantasies that go with it. It is easy and now socially acceptable to believe that sex withers with familiarity. My experience has been the opposite.

August: You shared wonderful thoughts on people���s fear of trusting love. What���s one step a person can take to begin moving past that fear?

Wendy: When it comes to trusting in the belief that you are lovable and can be loving, I am convinced that this process is an internal waking up process which begins with the seed of self love in all of us. So many of us are the walking wounded, spending 80% or more of our thought process on our defects, and worse still most peoples thoughts are 95% the same day after day. Paying attention to our thinking and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, becoming your own friend is the first critical step to being able to witness and receive love from others. We all want to be loved and we all deserve it. Learning that is a practice that pays off in a million ways.

August: If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would you choose? What would you eat?

Wendy: I have always had a crush on Bono from U2 and some of his music about love (miracle drug) often spontaneously starts playing in my head. I also have always admired Meryl Streep and the multifaceted challenging stories she is willing to portray. I would love to have a meal with either of them���maybe a harvest table of beautifully prepared vegetable dishes (think kale, mushrooms, sweet potatoes, arugula, brussels sprouts and yellow peppers), a warm crusty loaf of bread and a soft French cheese.

*****

Okay, I want to eat all of that. Isn’t Wendy fabulous? To learn more about making love last, visit her��blog, Making Love Sustainable, and follow her (@wendystrgar)��and Good Clean Love (@GoodCleanLove) on Twitter.

A SPECIAL GIFT!��To save 10% on a full order of��all-natural, organic intimacy products���before tax, visit GoodCleanLove.com and enter the coupon code GIRLBONER10 through Friday, 11/28. (How sweet is that?!?)

What intimacy products do you use? If you’re in a romantic partnership, how do you ensure it’ll last? Do you fear love, or go after it with gusto? Any thoughts on our interview? We’d love to hear from you!�����

Getting Our Kindness On: 31 #SparkleFriday Ideas

Research shows that demonstrating kindness makes us happier and healthier, inspires kindness in others, reduces stress and triggers��the release of the feel-good chemical oxytocin in our bodies, which is great for our hearts and extremely sexy, IYKWIM. I cannot wait for to party with you all act-of-kindness style next week!

If��this is the first you’ve heard of #SparkleFriday, visit this post for details. You can also RSVP��on the Facebook event page for more ideas and reminders. In short, participants are engaging��in whatever��act of kindness we choose. Then��on November 28th���aka, Black Friday���we’ll each post a photo and/or description��with��the hashtag #SparkleFriday on Facebook, Twitter and/or Instagram. (If you post yours on a blog,��include #SparkleFriday in the post title.) Feel free to invite your friends or engage your whole family!

In case you could use some ideas, here are some simple ways to��bring more light into the world through kindness.

Acts of Kindness: 31 Groovy Ideas

Donate food, clothes or holiday gifts to a shelter.
Sponsor an animal or child.
Commit to a day (or longer) of no complaining.
Rake or shovel your neighbor’s lawn or driveway.
Bring treats to your workplace, or someone else’s.
Sign up for iGive, so money you spend online supports your favorite charity.
Send a Secret Santa gift to a friend or acquaintance.
Volunteer at a soup kitchen, or anywhere.
Plant��a tree in someone’s memory.
Make amends with someone.
Send a��thank you note to someone, or post it online.
Invite someone over for a holiday meal.
Bring baked goods to a neighbor you’ve never met.
Do a chore a loved one loathes for them.
Make a point of giving people genuine compliments.
Replace negative self-talk with gratitude.
Create art for someone.
Pay someone’s expired parking meter.
Leave a huge tip for a server (particularly if you dine out on Thanksgiving).
Pay for the��order��of��whoever’s behind you in a��drive-through.
Host a pajama party.
Call a loved one you miss.
Review books, companies or products you love (especially those newer/lesser known).
Stop using your phone while driving.
Text a unique compliment to everyone on your phone list.
Foster or adopt a rescue pet.
Commit to eating fewer animal products.
Collect and recycle items from a��litter-ridden area.
Purchase energy saving household goods/appliances.
Practice self-care you’ve been lacking.
Spend quality time with someone.

Huge thanks to all of you who are joining us. It’s going to be a sparkly blast!�����

6 Ways to Make the Web an Empowering Place for Girls and Women

No matter how we engage online, we send a message to ourselves and others. What does your social media mirror reflect?

I’ve just returned from the National Women’s Studies Association annual conference where I mingled with and learned from brilliant feminists from around the world, presented on a topic very dear to my heart, explored Puerto Rico for the first time and, oh yes, had my first empanada. *swoon* By far, the biggest highlight was the people, who’ve inspired me to carry this conversation on.

In no time throughout history have we been so photographed and seen or had such intense exposure to damaging messages about our bodies and sexuality. All of this raises the risk for self-criticism, disordered eating thoughts and behaviors, resultant health problems, such as depression and obesity, relationship tumult and poor self-esteem. Positive alternatives are available, thankfully, but less readily so. We can all take steps to change that—and trust me, it’s worth it!

I’ll be sharing more takeaways and highlights from #NWSA2014 in upcoming posts and on my show. In the meantime, here are just some of the ways we can make the virtual world a brighter, more empowering place.

6 Ways to Make Your Web an Empowering Place for Girls and Women

Choose who and what you follow, like and share carefully. We’re so bombarded by negative imagery and ideas online, it can be easy to grow blind to it. Take an inventory of what you’re exposed to. When you spot damaging online media, such as a demeaning ad campaign, report it by tweeting the link with the hashtag #NotBuyingIt or through The Representation Project’s free app. If you’re a parent, discuss it with your kids. And support the heck out of positive alternatives.


Share your passions and personality—not just your looks. I love sharing my life and photos online, but there’s a big difference between sharing our selves and sharing our looks. Research shows that females with low body image and self-esteem tend to post more appearance-centric photos, as though seeking validation. They also tend to fixate on how people respond, energy that could be invested elsewhere. Set a healthier example, one that doesn’t imply that our looks matter more than who we are.


Kick perfectionism to the curb. We’ve all had photos appear of us online we’re not particularly thrilled with, and there’s something to be said about putting our best foot forward. Part of that, though, in my opinion, is sharing our authentic selves, including how we really look—sans Photoshop or waiting until we have the “perfect” shot before sharing. Embrace flattering photos, but embrace what society deems “imperfections,” too.


Don’t discuss your weight or weight-loss plan. Focusing on weight or following a restrictive diet or harmful “lifestyle plan” brings loads of risks, but that’s another topic. If you want to feel and become healthier and inspire the same in others, don’t talk about your weight or efforts to change it online—or anywhere. Similarly, don’t give power to negative self-talk about your body or sexuality, by vocalizing them around others (unless it’s a therapist helping you overcome it).


Don’t support demeaning humor. It’s incredible how much demeaning “humor” is available online, particularly about appearance, age, gender and sexuality. Don’t support it. If you’re inclined and deem it appropriate, respond by pointing out the falseness or negativity. In many cases, people simply don’t realize how damaging such “humor” is, either because it’s so commonplace or because it reflects their personal negative (typically false) beliefs.


Override shame. I’ve heard many women say that they love reading sex-positive and feminist posts and articles, but are afraid to support them publicly for fear of what others might think. That kind of fear is paralyzing and only perpetuates hurtful myths. Hopefully we’re all in process, on a perpetual journey of personal growth. If you’re not yet comfortable supporting empowering messages publicly, take smaller steps, such as sharing them with close friends or posting an anonymous comment. You’ll soon find that the fear is far larger than any adverse potential consequence.

Graphics from my presentation at #NWSA2014, Broken Mirrors: Technology, Taboos and Body Image

How does social media influence your body image and self-esteem? What steps have you taken, or will you take, to make your social media mirror more empowering? I love hearing from you. ♥

#SparkleFriday: Help Us Make Black Friday Shine!

Many folks told me that moving is stressful. Really stressful. Almost as stressful as dealing with a divorce or family death. I refused to believe it would be for us.

“We’ll make this fun!” I proclaimed, as though challenging life to prove otherwise. Perhaps I should’ve kept my voice down.

Hours before we were scheduled to load our lives into a U-Haul, our move was delayed—days, then weeks, costing us a great deal of emotional and financial stress.

“I think I should be able to put the Christmas tree up early to compensate for emotional damages,” I told my husband mid-resultant pity party, who smartly replied, “Sure thing!”

My stubborn optimism took over. No one would steal our Christmas, I decided, determined to regain the vigor the delay had zapped.

Finally, on the hottest day in LA history, we moved—and whew, managed to enjoy it. Before even our toothbrushes were unpacked, our decked out tree stood shimmering on the patio.

Victorious! Joy (eventually) reigns.

Now we want to celebrate! Many of our friends and most of our relatives live thousands of miles away. *cue Beatles music* So in lieu of a conventional housewarming party, we’re asking our family and friends—including you!—to join us virtually in an act-of-kindness celebration. We’ve chosen Black Friday, a day on which it’s easy to get caught up in or disgruntled by commercialism, figuring we could all use some added cheer.

Here’s how you can participate:

♥ Between now and 11/28, conduct an act of kindness.

♥ On 11/28, share a description and/or a photo on Instagram, Facebook and/or Twitter using the hashtag #SparkleFriday. (Writers, feel free to post yours on your blog!)

♥ Check out others’ posts by searching for the hashtag on the 28th—sharing, liking/favoriting and commenting on your favorites.

♥ Pop back to my blog the following week where I’ll share highlights and give away prizes for the most creative, impactful and entertaining acts!

Sound like fun? Awesome, join us! Feel free to invite your pals; the more sparkles the merrier. :) For reminders and tips, RSVP on the Facebook event page.

Wishing you a beautiful week! ♥

August

She Was Married to Jekyll and Hyde: Healing From A Partner’s #SexAddiction

Sex addiction is a very real and scary thing that reportedly affects 12 million people and their loved ones in the U.S. Considering how hidden and shame-ridden the condition remains, that number is very likely low. And although being the partner of a sex addict can be deeply traumatizing (not to mention dangerous), they are significantly less likely to seek help than the addicts themselves. 

Yesterday I had the honor of interviewing M, a woman who learned of her husband’s sex addiction ten years into their marriage, just as they were preparing to become pregnant. While her world was turned upside-down, she was able to heal and find her way back to happiness.

On the air, she shared the details of her experience—how she found out, the red flags, what helped or hurt her recovery and lessons the ordeal has taught her. I can’t thank her enough for her courage and openness, which will no doubt help many.

M also took the time to answer additional questions for this post. Pop over to iTunes, Stitcher Radio or Global Voice Broadcasting to download or stream our live-recorded chat, then check out the followup Q&A below.

Listen here: Girl Boner Radio: Learning to Thrive After Her Husband’s Sex Addiction

 

An After-Chat Q&A with M:

August: What’s one common myth about sex addiction you’d love to see eradicated?

M: MYTH: ‘Sex addiction’ is a made-up excuse by people who just like fooling around to get them off the hook with their wives and the public. TRUTH: Real addicts with compulsive behaviors don’t enjoy sex at all; in fact, they believe it exists to control others and escape from reality, especially intimacy and vulnerability. Their behavior not only destroys relationships, but often results in financial, professional and personal ruin, up to and including incarceration and suicide.

August: If you could change one thing about your decisions since learning of the addiction, what would you choose?

I didn’t tell my in-laws (addict’s mother & stepfather), with whom I was very close, about his addiction. At the time I felt, “He’s the addict. He should tell them. Why should I have to be the one to break their hearts?” Of course he never told, and his family was and are still confused about our split. Their ignorance further enables his behavior to continue. Closer to home, it has also created an expectation that my own family has to ‘act nice’ still on Facebook, etc., about him, which denies them their pain and justified anger at my ex, a completely unintended outcome that pains me deeply.

M: What decision are you the most pleased with?

Leaving him.

August: What benefit of healing and moving forward has most surprised you?

The complete absence of loneliness. The day I left our house, the loneliness left me. Of course I was in pain, but it was the horror of betrayal, not a longing to be loved, especially not by an abusive manipulator. There is no life lonelier than one with someone who says he loves you but withholds that love in a thousand ways every day. I actually don’t think I’ll ever feel lonely again, regardless of relationship status, which takes my breath away sometimes still. I never thought I could feel this whole.

M: What are you most grateful for in your life now?

Peace of mind. The unwavering and never-ending love of my supporters – my parents, my sister, brother-in-law and their children, and the amazing friends who have scraped me repeatedly off the floor, who never stop telling me I am worthy and loved. And every day yet to come.

****

Resources for Partners of Sex Addicts:

Useful resources for partners are difficult to find and programs that subscribe to the notion of ‘co-addicts’ are considered victim-blaming (i.e., harmful) by many. If you’re struggling with a partner’s sexual addiction, M suggests the following.

Trauma-Based Models:

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope & Heal by Marsha Means & Barbara Steffens – the Trauma-Based Model watershed study; the first people in the field to NOT label partners as ‘co-addicts,’ responsible for the breakthrough thought: “You can’t know the truth when someone insists on lying to you.”

Note from M: Though both authors have been through this trauma personally, one chose to stay with her partner, and the other didn’t. Regardless, the testimonials in the book come largely from spouses who stayed, as well as from people reliant on a monotheistic God. Atheists, agnostics, and partners who choose to leave the addict are honored here, but pitifully underrepresented in addiction literature on the market so far. The trauma model of recovery however doesn’t require any belief system, and both models leave the decision to stay/go up to the couples themselves.

Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center: A Trauma-Based support model that acknowledges this level of betrayal as Relational Trauma with amazing resources such as coaches and support groups and articles.

Psych Central: 6 Stages of Recovery for Partners (A quick article)

Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists: Helpful for finding a Trauma-Based Model Therapist for partners in your area

Married and Alone: Healing for Spouses of Sexual Anorexics by Doug Weiss, PhD

Note from M: Weiss, like many in the field, has lost faith in the ‘co-addict’ model of recovery, labelling it narcissistic and steeped in male privilege. You’ll have to be your own judge of what works best for you. Weiss’s work leans too however on the helpfulness of traditional spirituality in recovery. 

Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn & Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age by Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS and Jennifer Schneider, MD, PhD – from PoSARC: “This book is a must-read anyway, and contains many examples of how surreptitious acting out on the web can be.”

Have you or a partner struggled with sex addiction? What’s most helped you? What struck you most about our interview? 

What’s Really Wrong About “Slutty” Halloween Costumes

With Halloween upon us, you’ve probably heard or even thought something along the lines of, “Why are women’s costumes so slutty?,” or spotted headlines featuring “non-slutty” or “the sluttiest” costumes.��

I agree that females should have more than skin-tight, ultra short and otherwise provocative costume options���particularly girls, who commonly feel sexually objectified as early as age six, according to studies. But I loathe conversations that depict female sexuality in a negative light.

Halloween allows us to dress up in ways society typically says, “Don’t!”��Some psychologists theorize that costumes allow us to��reveal parts of ourselves generally considered taboo or worth hiding. Female sexuality is sadly a frequent biggie. Does that make revealing��costumes wrong? Not remotely. Feeling permitted to express or embrace our sexuality as we see fit only once a year���as many women do? That’s a problem, and a sign of how far we’ve yet to come as a society regarding these issues.

By judging a woman for dressing in a revealing costume or describing the costumes themselves using terms like “slutty” or “hoe,” we perpetuate negative attitudes about female sexuality and our bodies. If a woman wants to bear it all, great for her! If not, that’s great, too.

I personally felt just as womanly��and empowered in my Cat Woman costume as I do in this year’s Rosie the Riveter garb. How about you?

How do you choose Halloween costumes?��What apparel makes you feel sexy? Any thoughts on slut-shaming around Halloween or any time? I love hearing from you!��