August McLaughlin's Blog, page 53

#GirlBoner Radio’s 25th Episode: A Sex-pert Celebration!

 “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” — Oprah Winfrey

So true, right? It can be easy to get caught up in what we haven’t done or obtained, particularly when we’re going after our dreams. While I’m a big believer in forging ahead and envisioning, I also think it’s crucial that we celebrate steps forward. Toward that end, I decided to commemorate my 25th episode of Girl Boner Radio by sharing thoughts from some of my favorite sex-pert guests and interviewing the woman who helped start it all, Dr. Lisa Masterson. In case you can’t tell from our chic party hats we had a blast. ;)

Here’s what you can expect:

Jean Franzblau, writer and star of Coming Out Kinky, answered a question about violent sexual fantasies. Counselor and activist Gabe Deem took on two questions on porn addiction. Gia Nova, an esteemed burlesque dancer I interviewed for an upcoming show, shared tips for achieving adult star sexiness at home and how to best take nude photos for a partner. Then Dr. Lisa joined me for a truly fun and inspiring chat about her life, career, podcast and listeners’ questions on sex during your period and more. I hope you’ll check it out!

To listen to or download the show, visit this link on iTunes:

A Sex-pert Celebration with Dr. Lisa Masterson

While you’re on iTunes, I hope you’ll also check out Health in Heels with Dr. Lisa. It’s fabulous! You can also connect with Dr. Lisa on Twitter: @DrLisaM.

What did you think of the show? Any questions for my next sex-pert special? How do you celebrate milestones? I love hearing from you! And hope you’re having a BRILLIANT summer. ♥

 

Revealing Your Sparkle: My July 4th Wish

“I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.” — Amy Tan

Did you know that even a fairly basic fireworks display requires months of planning, a solid 40 hours just to produce the script (yes, they require those) and, on average, $3,000 to $20,000 worth of equipment and supplies? More energy, time and funds go into advertising, fire insurance and safety measures—and don’t forget all the time and energy folks invest in enjoying the festivities. Chances are, you’re among them.

Indeed, we Americans will go far out for a meaningful sparkle. But what if we didn’t have a reason to celebrate? What if, like our founding fathers and other early Americans, we had to carve out our own?

I’ve been pondering these matters a lot lately as Girl Boner work moves along, new opportunities and challenges arise and publishers take interest in my work. Next week I’ll host my 25th episode of Girl Boner Radio (holy schmoley!). If there’s one thing my show and guests have taught me thus far, it’s this: there’s never a reason to stop striving for authenticity, empowerment, passion-filled lives and the fruition of our wildest (read realistic) dreams. If ever I’m in doubt, all I need to do is listen to that inner sparkle. That which makes our heart dance paves the way. Seriously.

As we gather with loved ones to commemorate our country’s independence, I hope you’ll join me in a little task. Don’t worry—it won’t take much time or money, and there are no fire hazards involved (well, unless that’s your passion—in which case, forget everything I just said! ;)). All it requires is taking a moment to consider your own sparkle. What makes you shine? What are you passionate about? What fills you with giddy butterflies? If your life isn’t chock-full of the answer, what might you do about it?

We’re so blessed to live in a country where we have ample freedom to live and express as ourselves as we see fit—but it’s easy to grow complacent, overly comfy with the comfortable. If we truly want that “something more” kind of life, though, which I suspect many of you do, we’ve got to live with passion.

As I explained on the air this week, it’s so important to be turned on by our lives. When we are, Tan’s quote becomes autobiographical. Every moment won’t fill us with metaphorical fireworks, but some will. Some days we’ll have magnificent, sky-wide displays. Best of all, we’ll be better able to light up others’ skies with our glow. In between, we can dance, play, rest, learn and dream in the clouds, sunshine, rainbows and storms, gratified by the knowledge that we’re living life fully.

An awesome TED talk I watched the other night featured a woman who “faked it until she became it.” After a traumatic brain injury lowered her IQ and confidence during college, Amy Cuddy was encouraged to show up to academic challenges every time she felt afraid. She did, and eventually became the person she aspired to be—a successful grad student and, later, an esteemed professor and researcher at Harvard. When it comes to our inner-sparkle, I think we sometimes have to fake it until we reveal it. In other words, it’s always there. If  it goes into hiding or hasn’t yet been revealed, it’s up to us to change that.

What lights your inner-fire? What are you doing about it? What could you do? I love hearing from you! ♥

Wishing you and yours a happy, safe holiday!

#GirlBoner Radio: Behind the Scenes with Adult Star Siri

“I enjoy getting to be sexually open and that I can always have this running dialogue about sexuality… To me, it’s very satisfying.” — Siri

Growing up in Minnesota and Texas, Siri, now an award-winning porn star with her own membership site, never imagined she’d one day make a name for herself in the adult industry. When a college girlfriend opened her eyes to queer porn, that all changed. “The more I watched, the more I thought, I want to do that,” she told me during our recent interview. “I think I’d be really good at that. I think I’d enjoy it.” At no point did she find the career option anything but logical and viable.

Since then Siri’s faith, work, talent and sexiness have really paid off. While the days of making millions as a porn star for most performers are over, she makes a good income doing work she loves—much of which has little to do with fucking. The passionate businesswoman spends much of her time sifting through free porn sites for pirated scenes, marketing her brand, interacting with a loyal fan base she lovingly calls her “Legion of Sirians,” and speaking out against slut-shaming and digital piracy. Also impressive? She’s turned her natural H-cup breasts that once triggered insecurity into an empowering, embraced component of her multi-faceted career.

But enough from me! To hear Siri’s take on her career, slut-shaming, feminism and more, check out our interview using this link:

Girl Boner Radio: Behind the Scenes with Adult Star Siri

 

 

For more on Siri, visit SiriPornStar.com, read her blog and follow her on Twitter (@SIRIpornstar).

♥ We’d love to hear from you! What did you think of Siri’s insight? Do you agree that porn and feminism can pair well? What’s your take on digital piracy? 

The Truth About the “Bikini Body” (And What’s REALLY Sexy)

Since when did swimwear become so bossy? Not to mention misleading.

A little history:

Did you know that the bikini dates back to Ancient Rome? Oh, yes! Archeologists have found antiquated illustrations of Roman women wearing skimpy two-pieces during athletic events. Like all clothing back then, their sole purpose was functionality. (No one wants to be whacked in the boob mid-game!) Much later, in 1946, Louis Réard, an automobile engineer introduced today’s bikini, naming it after Bikini Atoll, an island in the Pacific Ocean where postwar atomic bomb testing was happening. (Ah, the irony…)

Bikinis gradually gained popularity in Western cultures, stirring up lots of controversy. Considered sinful by the Vatican and scandalous by countless others, they were banned from many countries and numerous states in the U.S. Even so, they grew continually more common, largely because women wanted to wear them. Then in the sixties, Bond Girl Ursula Andress famously emerged from the sea sporting a white bikini in the film, Dr. No, stimulating a heck of a lot more bikini fervor from both genders.

Olivier Saillard, a fashion historian, called the bikini the most popular female swimwear because of “the power of women, and not the power of fashion.” Woman power, eh? So what the heck happened???

Today, bikinis are the bane of many women’s existence and an unhealthy fixation for others. Thanks to the ginormous dieting, “fitness” and weight loss industries paired with societal ideals that tell women we have to look a certain way to feel and appear beautiful, billions of dollars are invested into “bikini body” marketing campaigns, turning the formerly empowering garments into high-octane fuel for poor body image, harmful weight loss measures and complications galore.

Ugh.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may recall that I recently turned down a good-paying feature article on “cleansing your way to a bikini body.” (Did I mention…UGH?) I’m so grateful that another publication, Sexual Wellness News, was receptive to a healthier take on the topic! I interviewed a dietitian who specializes in disordered eating and a woman whose daughter’s desperate desires for a “bikini body” landed her in the hospital before her wedding, and explored ways to achieve true sexiness this summer—which thankfully has nothing to do with dieting.

Here’s a clip from my article, The “Bikini Body” Craze: Turning Body Angst Into Sexy Gains:

To read the full article, visit this link on Sexual Wellness News.

I say it’s time to take the power back, into our selves and away from “bikini body” angst. If you want to wear a bikini, awesome! If you don’t, awesome! Just don’t let unhealthy attitudes about your physicality determine your goals, desires or shopping decisions. Life is too short and precious to waste our energy in such ways. Given the choice, I’d much rather be emotionally fulfilled and comfortable with myself than beat myself up in the pursuit of society’s perception of beauty. Wouldn’t you?

How do you feel about bikinis? Do you wear them? Dig them? Loathe them? If you wear them, how much do you prioritize comfort versus how you’ll look? I love hearing from you! ♥

He Can’t Get It Up: Could Porn Be the Problem? A #GirlBoner Radio Follow-Up Chat

“Growing up watching porn and expecting to be good at sex is like growing up playing Madden on Xbox and expecting to be good at actual football.” – Gabe Deem

There’s little I love more than chatting with people who’ve not only overcome trying circumstances but transformed them into something hugely positive, even lifesaving, for others. This week’s Girl Boner Radio guest has done precisely that! Gabe Deem is a counselor for teens in Irving, Texas who has shared his personal struggle with porn addiction and his pathway to recovery with countless others in hopes that they might find similar healing. I was so thrilled when he agreed to an interview, in which he shared what spurred his fixation with porn, how it affected his life and relationships, myths about porn addiction and the wonders recovery can bring.

If you find yourself relating to his story, I hope you’ll also realize that there’s no shame in your circumstances, you’re far from alone and support is available. The same holds true if your partner is struggling with addiction. Gabe runs an entire community dedicated to porn addiction recovery and ways to “reboot” your system, ridding your life of porn’s complications, and is one of the most accessible and congenial folks I’ve encountered in the sex-positive world.

Listen to our chat using the below link then check out our after-chat. That’s right! He was kind enough to answer a few additional questions for us via email. (Thanks again, Gabe!) I hope you’ll chime in afterwards with your thoughts. :)

Gabe Deem on Boner Radio — He Can’t Get It Up: Could Porn Be the Problem? 

Girl Boner Radio After-Chat with Gabe Deem

August: How do you feel parents and schools and teachers could make a positive difference regarding porn addiction? 

Gabe: I think parents and teachers could make a positive impact on children by doing three things: Having an open and honest conversation with the child about what real sex is and isn’t, teaching them about the possible impact that watching porn can have on their brain and future sexuality, and protecting them by installing porn filters on all internet accessible devices to prevent accidental exposure.

1) For the conversation, it’s important to teach kids that porn is fake, and in real life sex should never be violent or forceful or harmful to someone emotionally or physically.

2) For teaching them about the brain, it is important they know that porn can rewire the brain to where they no longer can connect with real people both emotionally and physically, and “numb” their brain so it is more difficult to “feel” pleasurable things. For parents to get educated on this I suggest reading the material on YourBrainOnPorn.com.

3) Protecting children by installing filtering software on all devices to prevent accidental exposure. The reason I say for the “accidental” exposure, is because if I have learned anything as a boy with a computer, it’s that if I want to watch porn I could easily get around blocks and do so. This is where points 1 and 2 come in!

August: Do you feel porn itself is problematic? Or that it should change?

Gabe: I think it’s potentially be problematic, and here’s why. Porn comes in so many forms now days it’s tough to say that all of it can be problematic, especially when you have everything from rape porn to loving couples uploading their most intimate moments followed by cuddling. However, to our brains’ content isn’t the only thing that matters; it simply soaks up what you teach it.

So no matter what type of porn it is, if you are a young child watching porn you are teaching your brain that sexual arousal happens with pixels on a screen and not people in person. I look at porn in regards to sex the same way I look at junk-food in regards to organic food. It is an unhealthy version of the real deal, and can potentially have a negative impact on you.

Growing up watching porn and expecting to be good at sex is like growing up playing Madden on Xbox and expecting to be good at actual football. I recently watched the new movie The Fault in Our Stars and one of my favorite lines was “a picture of something is not the thing itself.” A picture might say a thousand words, but it can never love you back.

August: Have you seen Don Jon? If so, what did you think?

Gabe: Yes, I have. I thought it was a really good movie besides the unnecessary porn clips as if people do not know what porn looks like. There were a few things that stood out to me in that movie.

Don Jon had a beautiful girlfriend who would have sex with him, yet even after having sex with her, he said porn was better. This is important to realize because a lot of women think it has to do with how attractive their partner finds them when in reality it is more the guys desire to get his dopamine fix via the novelty, shock and stimulation internet porn provides.

But the most interesting thing to me that not many people caught was WHY he decided to finally give up porn. It wasn’t because he felt guilty. It wasn’t because he found the perfect woman who was more desirable than porn. It was because he tried to masturbate without porn and couldn’t! Yup, he realized that porn was physically screwing him up to the point where he was dependent on it to masturbate. That was the original thing that made him realize there’s a problem. If Don Jon was a real guy he would have been real close to developing porn-induced ED or delayed ejaculation.

August: What do you find most rewarding about your work and activism? 

Gabe: Knowing that people are finally getting the answers they have been desperately looking for. I get messages from guys who are suicidal and have been to many doctors and specialists that have told them that their problem is all in their head. While they are technically right, because it appears to be in the brain, they are telling these guys it is anxiety and they just need to relax, take some Viagra and get out of their office.

But when the Viagra doesn’t work and months go by with no improvement, they feel hopeless. Seeing these guys finally give up porn and regain their sexual function back, as well as the joy in their life, has been the most rewarding thing to me. I know what it feels like to feel broken, and I know how important it is to have a light shining at the end of the tunnel. When guys tell me that my story gave them light, it makes any pain, embarrassment or discomfort from sharing my story all worth it.

*****

To learn more about porn addiction and recovery, check out Gabe’s articles on the Huffington Post:

Porn: Many Teens Watch It, and Two Reasons That’s a Problem

Internet Porn Addition: Exposing Misconceptions

We’d love to hear from you! Any thoughts to share with Gabe? What did you think of his story? How has your or your partner’s addiction to porn impacted your life? All respectful thoughts are welcome! ♥

Gratitude is the New Sexy!

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”
 — Oprah Winfrey

What do you think would happen if you shifted every negative thought and belief about your body into genuine gratitude? Think about that for a minute. Can you imagine it? Have you accomplished it already? Having been there/done that, I can assure you that doing so can brighten your entire world.

This week on Girl Boner Radio, I shared one of my personal experiences overcoming body hate through gratitude and a fabulous chat with Millana Snow, a Top Model-winner, actress and entrepreneur who’s made it her mission in life to cultivate positivity through manifesting gratitude and connecting with others.  I also read Girl Boner fans’ and Facebook friends’ responses to the question, “What about your body are you grateful for?” All so inspiring!

To listen, check out the iTunes link down below. First, here are just some of the SEXY benefits of grateful living.

Gratitude is a super power that…

….boosts self-care. When we embrace and respect our bodies, we take better care of them. We don’t brutalize them with risky diets, excessive processed foods or weight loss products or skip our annual physical exams. We treat our bodies as we want to be treated: as worthy and lovable.

…makes us healthier. In addition to other benefits, research shows that grateful living lowers our risk for common infections and chronic disease. It’s like soul echinacea, only stronger.

…makes us lovelier. When we cherish our bodies, we’re better able to live full, authentic lives. That invites mega happiness, which radiates outward, making us appear more beautiful to ourselves and others.

…stimulates more satisfying sex! If we’re lying in bed, criticizing the shape or size of our abdomen or thighs, we’re not likely to feel aroused sexually. If we aren’t grateful for our partner’s affection and physicality, we experience the kind of mind-blowing intimacy that makes sex orgasmic and then some.

…makes for happier relationships. If we aren’t grateful ourselves and our partner(s), we’re likely to get caught up in negativity. Less stress and more positivity makes us more joyous to be around. And much like negativity, it’s contagious. Next time you feel agitated toward yourself or your partner, consider counting your blessings instead.

For more on sexy gratitude and to listen my chat with the magnificent Millana Snow, visit this link on iTunes: Sexy Gratitude.

What are YOU thankful for about your body? What about your sexuality? Any sexy affirmations to share with Millana and me? We’d love to hear your thoughts! ♥

Adult Star Alexa Aimes and Myths About Female Ejaculation

“Just because we work in the sex industry, doesn’t mean that that’s all that we’re capable of.” — Alexa Aimes

Last week on Girl Boner Radio, I had the pleasure of interviewing Alexa Aimes, an adult star who considers herself “the strangest girl you’ll ever meet.” If you define strange as unique and groundbreaking, I’d say heck yes! The stunning starlet is a brilliant intellectual and hilarious to boot. (Seriously, it was all I could do to keep my loudest hyena laugh from hurting listeners’ ears.) She’s also passionate about using her voice and celebrity to make a positive difference in the adult industry.

We discussed her unusual background, shifting gears from a nursing career to starring in porn, her comedy aspirations, the charities she supports and myths she strives to debunk regarding female adult entertainers. Drawing on her medical background, she explained the physiology of female ejaculation and how it varies in porn versus our beds. Here are some of the tidbits she shared.

“You watch porn and you see this huge gush of squirt—that’s a fantasy. It looks hot.” — Alexa Aimes

3 Myths About Female Ejaculation

1. It’s pee. Nope! At least not in real life. Alexa explained that while female ejaculate may contain traces of urine, as men’s can, it’s an entirely different fluid, rich in prostatic acid phosphatase, the same chemical semen contains. What you see in porn may very well consist primarily of pee, however. Listen to our interview using the link below to hear Alexa’s awesome explanation.

2. It’s the same thing as “squirting” or “gushing.” I love that this has been studied! Research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2011 found that squirting or gushing, commonly seen in porn, and female ejaculation are entirely different phenomena. While female ejaculation causes the release of whitish fluid from the Skene’s gland, gushing involves the expulsion of diluted fluid from the bladder.

3. It’s caused by G-spot stimulation. Not exactly. Stimulating the G-spot (actually either of our TWO G-spots, said Alexa) may cause ejaculate to flow because it’s often near the Skene’s gland, it’s the actual gland that needs stimulating. Since G-spots aren’t all in the exact same place, finding yours and your Skene’s gland may take some exploration. (Talk about fun homework. ;))

To listen to our full interview, visit this link on iTunes: Can All Women Squirt? An Interview with Adult Star Alexa Aimes.

For a signed 8×10 of Alexa, email her proof of a charitable donation you’ve made to alexaaimes@gmail.com. You can also connect with Alexa on Twitter: @AlexaAimes.

What did you think of our chat? Any thoughts or questions about female ejaculation? I love hearing from you! ♥ 

Are You Prudish About Porn? An Interview with Author Emily Southwood

How would you feel if your significant other called you up one day and announced he’d landed a job filming porn? That’s exactly what happened to Emily Southwood two years into a relationship with then fiancé. While she’d long considered herself sexually liberal, the news stirred up mixed emotions, challenged her beliefs about pornography and set her on a path of self-discovery. She and her relationship ended up benefiting tremendously from it all and she’s shared her experiences in a witty, relatable and ultra-insightful memoir entitled, Prude. I hope you’ll check it out!

I had the pleasure of interviewing Emily last week on Girl Boner Radio, and loved what she had to say. She was also kind enough to reply to additional questions for you all afterward. Check out her thoughts below and listen to our radio chat using the iTunes link that follows. Seriously, you’re in for a treat!

An After-Chat with Author Emily Southwood

August: What inspired you to become a writer?

Emily: That’s hard to pin down because I have always wanted to be a writer. I failed grade one because I couldn’t read, so maybe there was a bit of a “I’ll show them!” reaction in there somewhere. I’m pretty defiant! I started writing reams of bad poetry in high school. From there, I studied creative writing throughout my twenties and never tried to do anything other than make enough money to buy time to write. It takes forever and pays little, but it’s one thing I never doubt I should be pursuing.

August: I love that. How have your loved your ones reacted to your openness about sexual experiences and pornography in the book?

Emily: They have been incredible. First and foremost, there’s Robbie, who gave me cart blanche to use anything about him. Luckily he’s hard to embarrass! My parents also really surprised me. My dad’s a pretty conservative British guy and I would have understood if he didn’t want to read Prude. But he did, and he even called to tell me which parts resonated with him. My mom is my biggest cheerleader. She tells everyone about the book her daughter wrote about porn. She makes me blush! My family’s openness surprised and impressed me—it’s been an unexpected benefit to this whole experience.

August: Too awesome. Our moms should meet! ;)  How did you move past your own discomfort in revealing so much of yourself?

Emily: It was a process. In initial articles and drafts on the topic, I glazed over a lot with bad puns and abstraction because I had trouble admitting what I really felt: Robbie filming porn made me jealous and crazy! By the end, I was just trying to use the best details to reveal my emotional journey. Focusing on the writing and on connecting with readers allowed me to put any self consciousness out of my mind. Put it this way: I’m now way more concerned about whether a reader found a paragraph compelling than whether they know about my sexual quirks.

August: Why do you feel it’s important, particularly for women, to talk about porn?

Emily: This is an unscientific assumption, but I think it’s more common that dudes watch porn, joke about porn, and share what they found online. Robbie did with his friends growing up. My girlfriends and I didn’t, and I think mostly because we just didn’t think it was something for us and/or didn’t want to be labeled either prudes or sluts. I think that’s changing. Women are watching and producing more porn, and hopefully feeling empowered to take or leave what they do or don’t enjoy. It’s when we’re off in our own corners making assumptions based on porn that communication can misfire. So talk about it, ladies!

August: How have the experiences featured in Prude influenced you as a mother?

Emily: It’s hard to say at this point (my son is a-year-and-a-half old) but I think I’ll be much more prepared to have some tricky conversations with him down the road. I feel much more comfortable talking about sex and porn because of this strange journey. All that said, I’m pretty sure mothering a teenager will manage to make me feel like a prude all over again!

*****

To stream or download our radio chat, visit this link on iTunes: Married to Porn

To learn more about Emily, visit her website and blog: EmilySouthwood.com and connect with her on Twitter: @EmilySouthwood.

We’d love to hear from you! What did you think of Emily’s thoughts? How would you feel if your significant other took a job in the porn industry? Do you discuss porn with your partner or girlfriends? 

Celebrating Zoe: Her Favorite Dog Cookies (For Humans, Too!)

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

I agree, but you know what? It’s a total bargain.

As some of you know, my beloved bulldog, Zoe, crossed the Rainbow Bridge on Sunday. I’m grateful that although she’d grown weary and we knew it was time, she experienced joy until the end, for the lessons she taught and continues to instill and, most of all, for having her in my life—yes, that present tense was intentional. For years I’d wondered how I could possibly go on without her; now I realize I’ll never have to. While I miss her profoundly, she’s a permanent part of me, and the grief over her passing, as deep as it runs, is minuscule compared to the love she gave and inspired.

So rather than talk about the sadness today, I’d like to celebrate Zoe’s life with one of her most cherished things: FOOD! :) The below recipe was one of Zoe’s favorites. As far as cookies go, they’re healthy and tasty—for humans, too. They also happen to be vegan and, depending on the oats you use, gluten-free.

Thanksgiving, 2013

 

Zoe’s Peanut Butter Pumpkinheads

**Important: These cookies must be made and eaten with love and joy. Zoe wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Ingredients:

1/2 cup natural peanut butter
1/2 cup raw sugar
1/4 cup oats
1/4 cup pure pumpkin puree
2 Tablespoons flax meal

Directions:

Heat your often to 350 degrees F. Mix all of the ingredients together then drop the dough by teaspoons onto a baking sheet, spaced about 2 inches apart. Bake them for 10 minutes, pulling them out to flatten them lightly with a fork halfway through. (If they’re really wet after 10 minutes, give them 2 – 3 more minutes.) They’ll seem really soft, but will firm up as they cool. Wait a few minutes before moving them to a cooking rack or parchment paper.  This recipe makes about 15 cookies.

If you’re considering getting a pet, I hope you’ll consider rescuing an animal who desperately needs a home. It’s true what they say: rescues rescue us. If you have a pet, please give them extra hugs for me.

If you’d like to do more to honor Zoe’s memory or kindness to animals in general, please visit APeAction.org. Without Jill Gasparac, the woman who runs it, I wouldn’t likely have had Zoe to begin with. She and her associates, particularly Zeke, who walked Zoe when we were away, are absolute angels. You can like them on Facebook, donate money to their cause and more.

More posts about Zoe:

My Big Brindle Heart: A Love Story

Make Like Zoe: Savor the Shade

Thank you for letting me share Zoe with you and for the continual love and support. You are such a gift! ♥

In Honor of Alyssa Funke: Ways to End “Slut-Shaming”

I try really hard to stay positive here in Girl Boner-land, but sometimes sexual empowerment requires looking into dark issues—particularly when lives are being needlessly ruined or lost.

Last month Alyssa Funke, a straight-A college freshman from Minnesota who had dreams of becoming an anesthesiologist, committed suicide after cyber-bullying over her decision to appear in pornography pushed her past her emotional limits. A friend shared the news with me recently, rightfully stating that had Alyssa been a man, the tragedy wouldn’t have unfolded. The double-standards regarding female versus male sexuality are immense, heartbreaking and run deeper than many folks realize. Regardless, no one should be ridiculed or judged for choosing to engage in sexual activity, on or off camera.

Conversations about Alyssa throughout social media and the news have used the term “slut shaming,” an increasingly prevalent term Wikipedia defines as “a concept in human sexuality used to describe the act of making a person, typically a woman, feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors that deviate from traditional or orthodox gender expectations, or that which may be considered contrary to natural or religious law.” Examples include dressing provocatively, requesting access to birth control, having premarital or casual sex or being raped or otherwise sexually violated.

If I could choose one term to do away with in our culture, slut-shaming may well be it. While I’m grateful that these issues are beginning to gain necessary attention (but not for the tragic reasons), woman-shaming seems far more appropriate. Sex is just as much a part of being female as it is male. If our world embraced this fact rather than making much of female sexuality taboo, Alyssa might still be with her loved ones today.

It doesn’t take a genius or much heart to recognize that any shame should fall on the person shunning a woman for dressing as she wishes, engaging sexually as she wishes, responsibly requesting birth control or (GOOD LORD) being attacked—not the woman herself. Bullying, criticizing or ostracizing someone for embracing sex as she sees fit, something as equally natural and health-promoting as digesting food, sleeping and breathing, simply because they’re female makes no sense. It’s cruel not only to the woman being shamed but all females, and the derivative damage affects us all. In some cases, the consequences are profoundly tragic.

So what can we do? We can start by analyzing our own beliefs and language, then making positive changes. Providing positive role models our culture lacks and not buying into sex-negativity will help ensure that Alyssa Funke and others like her won’t have died in vain.

Here are some simple ways we can set more positive examples for girls and women regarding sexuality. While many of them apply to all genders, they most often affect women:

Don’t describe anything sexual as “dirty” or “naughty.”
Cut “slut” and “slutty” from your vocabulary unless you’re discussing their harm.
Don’t inwardly or outwardly judge girls or women for wearing tight, short or low-cut clothes.
Don’t make negative remarks about your or others’ shape, appearance or size.
Avoid telling and laughing at sexist jokes.
Respectfully call people out when they shame or demean others for their sexual choices or behaviors.
When necessary and possible, report sexual shaming.
Support sex-positive publications, activists and events.
Communicate more about sexuality with loved ones, particularly your partner(s) and, if you’re a parent, your kids.
Cultivate positive body image and a happy healthy sex life, however you define it.

As we honor those who’ve given their lives for our country this Memorial Day, I hope you’ll also keep Alyssa Funke and her loved ones in her thoughts. Thanks so much for the ongoing support. Even when darkness prevails, I believe we can change the world. ♥