August McLaughlin's Blog, page 49

Butterfly’s Wings: How A Former Stripper and Rape Survivor Found Healing

Since I first launched Girl Boner on my blog in late 2012, I’ve been interviewing and corresoliteonding with remarkable women with equally remarkable stories.��Of my growing collection,��Butterfly Jones’ story is one of the few that sits close to my heart���partly because I met her in my late teens, when I’d first started modeling.��Back then, I thought she had everything going for her. At��six feet tall without her stilettos, wavy hair that matched��her hourglass figure and a confident air I lacked, she also intimidated me. Little did I know how challenging her life was.

While many of the women I’ve encountered in��the adult entertainment business sought the career path for empowering reasons, Butterfly, who donned her nickname long before she evolved out of her metaphorical cocoon, did not. Based on our several-hour chat, here’s a bit of her story:

*****

���They called me Butterfly because��of the way I looked when I played volleyball,��� she said, recalling junior high. ���Wings all flappin,��� hair flying… I loved those games, and I was good. But then, everything stopped.���

During the eighth grade, life volleyed Butterfly a scenario no one should have to face. During a slumber party, her best friend���s father molested her on her pink and purple sleeping bag.

���He took us out for ice cream before and kept looking at me like I was the real treat,��� she said. ���There I was, thinking how cute I musta been, and how lucky���getting his attention… Few hours later when Chelsea was in the shower, I was screaming on the family room floor. He covered my mouth, had his way with me then just left me there, cryin.��� Said if I told anyone, he���d kill my mama and little brother.���

She didn���t even know what sex was then, other than a way for ���mamas to make babies.��� The last thing he said before raping her was, ���You���re so beautiful.��� ���Even though I was scared, that meant something,��� she said. ���Felt like I was special.���

Fearful of the man���s threats and what others might think, she kept the occurrence a secret for decades. ���I was never good at school, especially after that,��� she said. ���My boobs grew faster than the other girls. ���Where���s your brain? In your bra?��� kids used to say���always teasing me. In high school I learned that guys liked it when I wore tight clothes and batted my eyes. I was getting attention…figured it was the one thing I was good at.

���A teacher told me I was good in music. I always loved singing, and dancing, but I was shy about it. If I���d listened to her, maybe I���d be someone else now… Who am I now? That���s a good question.���

Butterfly dropped out of high school in the eleventh grade, a decision her single mother barely flinched at. ���She cared about us, sure, but she was busy working three jobs,��� she explained. ���I told her I quit school so I could dance, but I really just wanted to make money so she could sleep sometime, and spend more time with my brother.���

While walking home from a neighborhood market one night, toting a bag of canned and frozen food for her and her brother, she passed a nightclub. Smoke poured from the doorway, she recalled, and the music was so loud, the sidewalk trembled.

���A couple of guys hooted and hollered at me,��� she said. ���One came up to me and said I should be on stage. He stunk of booze and cigarettes. I was gonna walk away, but he handed me a wad of cash���just dropped it in my bag and then drug me [into the club] by the arm.

���I didn���t dance that night, but I saw the other girls. They weren���t just dancing. They took off their clothes, swung around poles, rode them while guys in the audience drooled and nearly pissed themselves. They looked powerful. And I thought, I want to feel that.���

Butterfly began stopping by the club nightly until she worked up the courage to talk to one of the performers. It���s a ���shit life,��� she was told, but she could make a hell of a lot of money. “Just don’t tell Jimmy you’re nineteen,” the woman added. “Say you’re 21.”

Stashing the ���shit life��� remark away, Butterfly focused on what she deemed a lucrative career opportunity. She could help pay for rent and groceries. Her brother, unlike her, could have their mother present throughout the rest of his youth. He might even go to college.

���He was always smart,��� she said. ���And he didn���t have boobs and an ass to lean on, if you follow. He deserved a better life. He could really do something with himself.���

Butterfly compares her introduction to stripping to driving for the first time. ���You���re terrified, but you want [to do] it so badly,��� she said. ���And then suddenly it gets easy, like you knew how to do it all along. Just have to be on the lookout for crazy drivers.���

For a while, it seemed that her dreams were coming true.

���It was powerful at first,��� she said, particularly on nights she left with��a thousand dollars cash.�����I was on top of the world. No one could touch me.���

But then, someone did. One night, after one of her biggest paying performances, a��man slipped out the door behind her and followed her home.

���I felt him walking up behind me, sent the hairs on my neck on end,��� she said. ���When I turned around, I knew. It was the guy whose eyes were creeping me out all night. I shoulda asked for someone to walk me home, but I didn���t.���

She was raped for the second time, in a dark alley, pressed up against a garbage bin��that reeked of rot and fast food. ���It was my second time having sex, if you wanna call it that,��� she said wistfully. ���This time, I just felt numb… I just wanted it to be over so I could go home.���

She continued to strip for several more years, eventually taking up modeling on the side. Modeling was different, she said���like working in an office versus a crowded alley. The clients were professional. They treated her well and made her feel “more like a person��than a plaything.”

When her modeling agent learned of her primary vocation, he encouraged her to quit. ������You���re better than that,��� he told me, but I didn���t know how to believe him. Besides, I wasn���t making close [to] as much money modeling. I had bills to pay.���

Struck by his words, she cut back somewhat on her stripping hours and then compensated financially by offering a few ���special treatments��� at the club. ���Some of the guys would pay triple or more for a blowjob,��� she said. ���When a regular I kind of liked���more polite than the others���started asking for more, I gave it to him for extra…and eventually, ended up pregnant.”

Pregnancy was the first time Butterfly felt a connectedness to her body. Where she���d previously seen oversized breasts as something to be profited from and enjoyed by others, she saw beauty and capability.�����I wanted to take care of myself for once,��� she said. ���I wanted to take care of my baby.���

She gave birth to a healthy baby boy she named Jeremiah, after her favorite cousin.��At a loss for a viable way to support her family, she went back to stripping. ���Whenever I hated going on stage, which was most of the time, I thought ���I���ll do this for little J.��� And then I did.���

When Jeremiah was a toddler,��she met a young man at a local playground. ���He was babysitting his niece and nephew. I sat there watching him while I pushed Jeremiah in the swing,��� she said. ���Looked like he really��loved them, and it almost made me cry. So gentle, so sweet.���

She saw the man, Samuel���a sociology student at the University of Minnesota���repeatedly at the park. Over time they became friends. Then one day, while helping their little ones along the monkey bars, he asked her out on her first-ever date. ���For a second, I thought he just wanted services, but I knew he wasn���t like that,��� she recalled. ���We went on a picnic and a walk around the lake, and talked and talked, for hours.���

Soon, Butterfly opened up to Samuel about stripping, her lack of experience with dating, romance and sexual intimacy (she had no idea what ���sexual intimacy��� entailed then), and being raped. ���I thought he���d think I���m disgusting and run away,��� she said through tears. ���He just said ���I love you, baby��� then held me so tight.

She quit stripping shortly after began seeing a therapist. She began to see herself as a survivor, “…like, look what I’ve been through, and I’m still here!”

Two years later, the couple wed. She���s since put her brother through nursing school, given birth to two healthy girls and obtained her GED. While she doesn’t feel Samuel “saved” her, she believes he came into her life as a reward for learning to take care of herself and her family. Love healed her, she said.

If Butterfly could go back and change one��thing about her life, she���d have given her mother, who died of liver disease after her first daughter was born, a supportive partner. ���If she���d had help, she woulda loved us better,��� she said. ���We all need someone to take care of us and teach us things…like what it means to be a woman, and to love another person and be loved.

���No one taught me about my body on purpose. I learned about it��from being used and raped…and what I��was��worth from stripping. Sounds like crazy talk now! I was twenty-four [the] first time I made love… It���s still a struggle sometimes. I have to remind myself that sex isn���t something men take���not the good ones. Not my Samuel.

���I couldn���t believe that sex was fun and felt so good!��� she said of her early sexually intimate experiences. ���People think strippers know all about sex, and maybe some do, hell if I know. But sex is different than making love. They don’t all know that. Where I danced, almost every girl had been��raped or abused. We were all just a bunch of kids up there, feeling lost. Makes me sad. I feel sorry for the men [watching], too. Who taught them to be like that?

If schools and parents don���t teach children about their��bodies and worth, she poignantly added, the world will. “I won���t let my girls or my boy have that���not my babies. They are worth something. We all are.���

*****

I hope you all were as touched by Butterfly’s story as I am. If you would like to share respectful thoughts below, she’ll likely see them.

Stay tuned later this week as I announce the��4th annual��Beauty of a Woman BlogFest! And if��you missed my last post featuring my interview with Margaret Cho, stop by to listen and comment by 1/25��for a chance to win a groovy��prize pack.�����

Celebrating Sex and Kindness with Margaret Cho on Girl Boner Radio

Margaret Cho wants women to have more orgasms and all of us to practice more kindness. Why? Because we’re human, deserving and,��as a population,��lacking in both areas.

I chatted with the celebrated comedian, author, TV and film star yesterday on��Girl Boner Radio’s birthday special. A year has��passed since��I first sat before the mic, hoping I’d have something valuable��to say. Thanks to you all and guests like Margaret, I’d say we’ve continually met that goal.��

Margaret��shared thoughts on��her new hosting role on TLC’s “All About Sex,” her outreach for the homeless in Robin Williams’ honor, what she’s learned about sex the hard way and her 2015 tour. Then guests from some of my most popular episodes���Alia Janine, Millana Snow and my mom���wished Girl Boner Radio a happy birthday-versary. I hope you all enjoy it half as much as I did!

To listen to the show, visit this link on iTunes.

Post a comment below letting me know��what you enjoyed most by 1/25/15 for a chance to win a super fun Girl Boner goodie bag containing��Good Clean Love��products, a gift card and more!

Huge thanks for the ongoing support. If I could bake you a cake and jump out of it, I would!

��� August

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.” ��� Robin Williams

Patience and Epiphanies: Maximizing the In-Between Time

“Dreams take more than hard work.��They take passion, perseverance, authenticity and the ability to sit still for more than a few milliseconds at a time without pulling��your hair out.” – me

When I was a tyke, my mom gave��me��“quiet time” in the corner when I became too much of a handful, which was often. I recall standing with my nose in the corner for hours, aching with all of my might to��jump, dance, sing and sprint around the house, wondering how I could possibly survive this��torture!��A few years ago, I learned that I rarely��stood there for more than a few minutes. It seems how we spend the in-between time��makes a big ‘ol difference.

My Girl Boner book proposals (yep, multiple) have been in the hands of the same considering publisher for over a year, or 10.6 million years in 3-year-old-ese. I suppose I’ve grown up a little, as��as much as I’d anticipated��a swifter��process, I honestly haven’t felt impatient.��I’m grateful for their interest and my agent’s diligence as��we work to find the best way to package my work. Even so, I’ve been unsure lately��whether the process is going as it should���particularly as more time passes. I’m at what you might call a watershed moment. Which is exciting.

I’ve learned to trust the path, keep my options open and follow my instincts. Rather than allow myself to feel impatient or tortured with my nose in the corner, I now work on myself, craft and career, as dedicated creatives��do. Recently, I’ve added meditation to the mix, a practice I’d long��deemed impossible for my monkeys-partying brain. I can’t tell you how transformative it’s been. Perhaps that’s why my perceived confusion��of late��feels like a watershed.

Most of all, I continue to pursue my passions, even when I don’t know precisely where I’m headed career-wise. I’m guessing some of you can relate���yes?

If so, you know that such efforts pay off in all sorts of ways. I adore my show, listeners and readers, have some awesome speaking engagements and��potential film and TV projects on the horizon, and can feel myself growing in ways I can’t quite articulate.��And yet, something seems missing. (All of you who relate to this, too, say AYE.)

So I asked myself the other day: Self!��What is missing? What would fill that elusive void that’s keeping��your panties��in a bunch?

Almost immediately, women flashed in my mind���the many I’ve interviewed, heard from and spoken to since Girl Boner was born. It isn’t the��the delay in securing a publishing contract that irks me, I realized. It’s that��I’m not doing as much as I could for these women. Simply writing that brought tears, as YOW went��my heart.

That doesn’t mean I’m rushing off to self-publish, though I’m always grateful that’s an��option. I am, however, committing to doing more. Later this week, I’ll share one of the stories I wrote for my��initial proposal, based on an interview with a courageous woman named Butterfly. I can’t wait to hear what you all think. While many women have inspired me these past few years, seldom does a day or week go by that I don’t think of Butterly.

In the meantime, here��some quotes I love that can help us��maximize the��in-between time, whether you’re between projects, seeking representation or simply aren’t living the life of your dreams just yet:

“Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.” �����Oprah Winfrey

“Patience is not simply the ability to wait – it’s how we behave while we’re waiting.”����� Joyce Meyer

���You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.��� ��� Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“Believe in yourself. And believe that there is a loving Source – a Sower of Dreams – just waiting to be asked to help you make your dreams come true.” ��� Sarah Ban Breathnach

“It’s not about what I can get, it’s what I can give.” ��� Marie Forleo, Super Soul Sunday

Can you relate to any of this? How do you move forward when things aren’t happening as quickly as you’d hoped? Are you meditating, like me and Waldo? I love hearing from you!�����

Porn Addiction: It’s Not Just a Guy Thing

Porn addiction is on the rise for men,��according to many publications���but what about women? It’s not like we use a different internet than guys or find sexy imagery less appealing. (If that last bit surprises you, check out my Huffington Post article, 3 Myths About Female Sexuality.)

I knew when porn addiction��began��cropping up��readily in my work that more women had to be experiencing it��than the masses realize. I can also see why women’s dependencies are��less recognized or discussed. Here are some of the reasons:

Women are more prone to shame about sexual behaviors; shame��makes it difficult to��discuss them.
Historically, porn has been��geared toward a straight male audience,��which only increases the shame factor when women indulge. (What’s often considered “normal” for men, is seen as “dirty” for women.)
Many people assume that women aren’t relying on porn, so��it’s less studied.

After interviewing Gabe Deem, a former porn addict turned counselor, and Rachel Khona, whose��ex-boyfriend experienced porn-related sexual dysfunction, I began seeking women with similar issues��to interview. The few I connected were too fearful to share their��experiences, even anonymously. I certainly don’t blame them. One told me the dependency��was ruining her life. Another revealed that her��adolescent��daughter shared her addiction���which is how she recognized��her own.

Finally, I found a woman��willing to share��her story. In fact, she’d already��done so beautifully before. The accomplished writer from Los Angeles,��Erica Garza, joined me in the studio��to share her journey through��porn addiction, its impact on her life and how she’s begun to turn it all around. Her insight is some of the most poignant and important I’ve had the chance to share yet.

To download or stream��our chat visit this link on iTunes:

Porn Addiction: Not Just a “Guy Thing” on Girl Boner Radio

To learn more about Erica’s work,��visit EricaGarza.com��and follow her on Twitter: @ericadgarza.

For more resources and support regarding porn addiction, visit Gabe Deem’s brainchild, Reboot Nation.

Embracing Your Sexy Self: 4 Important Steps #GirlBoner

Hi all,

Happy New Year! I hope your 2015 is off to a��start as brilliant as you.

Today I’ve decided to share a portion of the transcripts from my latest Girl Boner Radio episode, partly thanks to a fab blog reader‘s request. Check out my intro and tips for embracing your sexy self below, then hop over to iTunes or Stitcher Radio to hear��the full show, which includes my chat��with adult star Layton Benton. She shared awesome insight��on being a woman of color in the adult entertainment industry, using her favorite sex toys for increased confidence and celebrating our��bodies���curves��and all!

��� August

4 Powerful Ways to Embrace Your Sexy Self (partial transcript)

“Love, romance, and sex are all emotions capable of driving men to heights of super achievement. Love is the emotion which serves as a safety valve, and insures balance, poise, and constructive effort. When combined, these three emotions may lift one to an altitude of a genius.” ��� Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich

I spent a few days last��week in Minnesota, what I like to call, Minne-arctica, having a blast with family. On the plane ride back to LA, I read��Think & Grow Rich. In case you aren’t familiar, it’s��a self-help book��on cultivating wealth, based on 20 years of��Hill’s research.��Though it was written in 1937, the book remains popular today���touted by motivational thought leaders, such as��Tony Robbins.

Think & Grow Rich��was written before women had many opportunities for professional success, but of the mega successful men Napolean Hill studied, he found many commonalities���including having high sexual energy and love from a kickass woman. (Okay, I added kickass to that statement, but I’m pretty sure it’s true.)

Sex and love��are closely linked with creative genius and self-confidence, both of which make way for abundance of all kinds in or lives. Hill isn’t the only one to��recognize this.

Creative artists tend to have more sexual desire and partners than non-artists, according to��recent studies.��Theories vary as to why. I personally believe it has a lot to do with living full, authentic lives. Artists tend to step into their emotions��and��desires and embrace them���even if they don’t match up with others’ standards or popular opinion.

Authentic rebels rule. Seriously.

So what about women who lack sexual self-confidence? Who dislike and shun their bodies as so many do? Here’s what I think:

Without embracing our bodies and sexuality, we run the risk of being stifled in many ways, not just sexually. That’s really the motivation for Girl Boner. Knowing that self- and sexual- embracement can open the gates to our biggest, boldest, wildest, awesomest���is that a word?���dreams gets me out of bed in the morning, because I’ve lived it and really believe all women can experience the same.

Once we do, life and our dream-work won’t suddenly become effortless, but it will be authentic. And that��is the foundation for all greatness, in my opinion���and our ability to live healthy, gratifying lives…

I shared some practical ways to feel more sexually assured��in our show back in April, Let’s Get Naked! (And in this blog post.)��Here are are a few��less conventional, but powerful ways to boost sexual and self confidence:

Meditate. If we can’t have stillness with ourselves, we can’t expect to be fully present with others.��Meditation���and its sexy benefits���helps create compassion with ourselves. There’s little more confidence-boosting than that��� (MORE)
Move away��from toxic people. Did you know that spending time around people who fixate on and over-value aesthetics is known to lower your body image and lead to risky behaviors, like dieting? That’s just one example. While I believe that no one can “make” us feel any particular way, why spend time with people who aren’t on as positive and empowering of a journey as you are?��
Prioritize sexual connectedness with yourSELF. Too often, I think, folks are worried about performing well, giving great oral or seeming sexy enough for someone else. All of that is more likely to feed insecurity than confidence. It can also keep us from knowing what are wants and needs are. We don���t want to be selfish, of course, but we should value and accept our fantasies, preferences, bodies���and what makes them tick and THEN share and explore with a partner, or partners, if we so choose.
Prioritize your passions��(or finding one) every day.��The buzzy/yummy feeling going after our passions is very similar to sex drive���and have similar effects on the brain. Next time you feel butterflies for a lover, knowing sexy fun is coming (scrumptious pun!), take note. Then observe how you feel when you’re chasing your dreams. The same energy can flow both ways; when we embrace one, the other benefits and vice versa��� (MORE)

*****

To learn more and hear my interview��with AVN-award nominated adult film star and model, Layton Benton, visit��this��link on iTunes:

Embracing Your Sexy Self & My Chat with Layton Benton


For stay in Layton’s loop, follow her on Twitter: @MsLaytonBenton.

What did you think of our chat? What about Layton’s tips for boosting sexual confidence,��or mine?��As always, I adore your respectful thoughts!����� For occasional��updates on new products, opportunities and exciting news, feel free to sign up for my brand spankin’ new newsletter here.

Healthy Resolve: How to Lose Excess Pounds Without Losing Yourself

And by weight, I mean the heft of all consequences of unhealthy habits, not merely excess pounds.

Dieting is so last year.

 

It’s no news to most of us that dieting doesn’t work���but neither do countless other risky plans and products marketed to weight loss-seekers.��Even if they did safely and effectively promote weight control, the results��would last��if you failed to address the underlying causes of those added pounds. The solution isn’t focusing on weight loss, but life gain.

Here���s how you do it:

If you focus on added pounds, you���ll likely gain stress, hunger pangs and, eventually, more pounds. Focus instead on what you want���which generally goes for beyond aesthetics.

Rather than strive for slimness, live largely. Get so busy cultivating a life you cherish that caring for yourself and body become a near given, and fixating on your body shape or size, a waste of precious time.

When you respect and listen to your body rather than fight or shun��it, your lifestyle habits improve and your weight gravitates to a healthy��place. When it does, you won���t likely know the number���because why should you care? Weight control and loads of other benefits��are��byproducts of a healthy, happy life.

I sat down to write a post on healthy alternatives to the risky goals and practices folks��implement��near New Year’s, then realized I’ve already written about them all pretty extensively. So instead, I created��a simple image highlighting the most important tips to share on social media. People have been so beautifully responsive (You���re rockstars. Thanks!), I decided to share it here as well, along with related resources.

In all my work in the wellness field, I’ve encountered little as��effective��as��these steps. I’ve witnessed their magic in hundreds��of��lives, from those��with anorexia to morbid obesity. I’ve seen them improve people’s moods, energy, digestion, skin health and relationships, end to yo-yo dieting and lower cholesterol, high blood pressure and physical pain. I���m not sure I���d be around today without them.

I wish I could bottle them up and make them snappy and appealing to the masses���not for financial profit, but because they’d better the whole darn world. The good news? They can brighten your world, free of charge, any time you want. They may take time to flourish, but the benefits will start manifesting immediately. All it takes is a willing heart.

If you’d like to give any number of them a go, here are some related��resources that may help you on your journey:

Written by me:

Joy, Patience and Hot Dogs: Cooking With Maya Angelou��via eHow.com

Love the Skin You���re In: Putting the Order Back in Disordered Eating��via LIVESTRONG.com

Nourish Your Body, Nurture Yourself��via LIVESTRONG.com

#GirlBoner Wellness: 5 Ways Dieting Zaps��Libido��via my blog

Dodging Diets via my blog

Toxic Cleanse: Debunking Detox Diet Myths��via DAME Magazine

Why Fitness Plans Derail: 4 Common Pitfalls to Avoid via LIVESTRONG.com

The Benefits of Intuitive Eating and How to Get Started��via LIVESTRONG.com

The Fulfillment Diet: Pursuing Passion First, via Bartlett’s Integrated Health Journal

Written/created by others:

How to Meditate:��A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind, by��Pema Ch��dr��n – a super practical,��easy read!

Simply Being: Guided Meditation for Relaxation and Presence, an awesome meditation app

KM Huber’s blog: a lush resource for mindfulness and zen living

The Power of Rest: Why Sleep Alone is Not Enough,��by Matthew Edlund – the best book I’ve found on simple ways to rest more (great for monkey-minded insomniacs ;))

The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron No, this isn’t a health��book���but it can help promote wellness.��I recommend particularly for folks dealing with severe body dissatisfaction, binge eating or compulsive dieting. It’s also invaluable for creatives who feel stifled.

10 Steps to Positive Body Image, via the National Eating Disorders Association

Wishing you and yours a safe, healthy and joyful New Year.�����

Celebrating my Birthday with Authors’ Sex and Fashion Tips!

Each year near my birthday, I ask myself whether I’ve earned the next number. If��I��can say “YES” to these questions: Have I lived authentically? Followed my heart? Grown as a person? I feel I’m doing a-okay.

Moving forward is always��cake-worthy!

Starting��this year, I also ask whether I’m doing more good and reaching more people.��I had to grow into these newbies; there was too much self-work to be done earlier on. I’ve learned that living authentically, and all the work it requires, allows us to��not only live more fully, but to discover and fulfill��our life’s purpose. While mine continues to unfold, it��undoubtedly��involves my writing, radio show and activism���entities I can scarcely separate.

The past 12 months have brought intense challenges, but also profound joy, growth and beauty. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that my show came into fruition��just as the biggest trials began. No matter how trying��a day or week has been, I’ve found solace and invigoration at the station. Before the��microphone is my happy place, whether I’m on top of my game that particular day or not. And on bright��days, little tickles me more than sharing them with��fans, guests and friends.

I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate my capri-carious��birth-mas this year than to share my happy place with fabulous writers and friends! Yesterday on Girl Boner Radio, 12��authors shared their top sex tips, which ranged from ways to prioritize��intimacy in a hectic��life to how to prepare your mouth for some scrumptious��oral play. (Yum. I’m so trying that one.) You’re going to love what these authors had to say!

I also chatted with my fabulous friend Rayne.��As the founder and CEO of Style by Rayne, she’s��the��the fashion��expert for numerous TV shows and has become the go-to makeover specialist for LA matchmaking companies. Her book, Ultimate Guide to Style, teachers readers fun, simple ways to go from “drab to fab.” Rayne��shared 5 awesome tips for��feeling and looking your best this New Year’s Eve. This led to an intriguing chat on boobs and bras you don’t wanna miss! Especially if you’re as clueless about bra-fit as I am.

Rayne even let me do the styling! Bet you can’t tell. ;)

My birth-mas wish this year is that you all find ways to live more authentically���which could involve switching out��your bra, apparently��� ��I also��hope you’ll tune in to my show and check out these wonderful guests’ thoughts and work. I have a feeling��you’ll be glad you did!

Unless you’ve already subscribed,��visit this link on iTunes to download or stream the show:

Click here:��Girl Boner Radio Holiday Sex & Fashion Tip Extravaganza!

Featuring:��

Crystal Ponti, author of Clash of the Couples

Kassandra Lamb, author of Fatal Forty-Eight

Elle, author of The Fall

Catie Rhodes, author of Forever Road

Lauren Brim, author of The New Rules of Sex

Emmie Mears, author of Storm in a Teacup

Amelia Aimes, author of The Devil Made Me Do It

Mary Pauline Lowry, author of Wildfire

Tameri Etherton, author of The Stones of Kaldaar

Piper Bayard, author of Firelands, a Post-Apocolyptic Tale

Rich Gabrielly, author of��Uncovering the Hidden Currency of Marriage

A.O. Peart, author of Reclaim Me

And our featured guest, Rayne of Style by Rayne! Who you can find on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram as��@StyleByRayne.



**FUN CHANCE!��Sign up for Rayne’s weekly Rayne Checks��before New Year’s Eve��and let us know you did below or via Twitter��for a chance to win��a free��holiday fashion critique and copy of her style guide! No need to live in LA for the critique���she’ll conduct the��session by email. :)

As a gift to you all, the show also features an incredible rendition of��Wonderful World,��performed by Gayle Davidson��and her band,��Giraffe! The album, which ROCKS, is available on iTunes.

*****

When I consider days like this, when I’m blessed by the chance to share the stage with such brilliant folks, I have no doubt that I’m on the right track.��Thanks for your ongoing support! I’m so grateful you’ve been a part of my year.

Love,
August�����

Racism, White Privilege and Speaking Up #BlackLivesMatter

About 10 years ago when I began fostering Zoe, an��85-pound deaf American bulldog, I quickly learned that where I saw a lovable companion, others saw dangerous risk. “How can you have a dog like that?” a passerby yelled��at me during one of our first walks. “They kill people!”

As the man darted away, tears��flooded��my cheeks. How could he say such a thing about my precious Z?��Something told me mental illness wasn’t to blame.

I began researching and learned��that views like his��derive from��damaging myths that land��countless dogs in the bully-breed family in the streets, shelters, the pound or worse. A professional suggested that I keep a distance from untrained, off-leash dogs. If one leapt or bit at Zoe and she responded in defense, Zoe would be blamed, I was told���even if only��she were��injured.��She may��also be��blamed for injuries she had no involvement with and be prohibited��by some landlords’ and home sellers’ properties. It seemed unfathomable, yet I could see where the myths and cruelty derived from. Sadly, too few people question them, letting ignorance they aren’t even aware they have guide their beliefs.

Around the same time, I shared all of this with my friend V, who replied, “You think that’s tough? Try having a black son.”

Huh?��Na��vet����kept me from understanding the correlation at first.

Then it hit me��me: discrimination. V and I had been friends for over a year and I obviously knew she was black. Why hadn’t I wondered about��her experience with racism before?

And sometimes the best we can do is really, truly listen.

“It happens all the time,” she said when I inquired���it referring to the countless ways she and her family��had been discriminated against over the years. Her brother, an accomplished writer who did his best thinking while moving, was stopped routinely by cops during his evening strolls, even in nice areas of LA. So common, he’d accepted suspicion from local authorities as “normal,” and hadn’t even told V about it until he arrived home one night stunned because it hadn’t happened.

Didn’t that make him angry? I asked. Of course it did, said V. It angered her, too. But��heated��words had only gotten her black friends in trouble, landing one in jail overnight after he was pulled over for no apparent reason���and not for the first time. So instead, V’s husband did his best to appear gentle and calm when policemen approached, smiled genuinely and asked permission before��reaching��into his pocket for his phone or wallet; he didn’t want anyone to assume��that he was retrieving a weapon.

Then V told me that she��and her husband��were trying��to��get pregnant. Here I was, worried about how people might perceive my dog while V was concerned about the potential fate of her not-yet-convieved children. I can only imagine that struggle.

All of this was before 2012, when Trayvon Martin, an unarmed black teen was shot and killed by a neighborhood watch coordinator who was later acquitted, and before Michael Brown and Eric Garner lost their lives��similarly. Before Ferguson.

���

In July at BlogHer, I attended a phenomenal panel on race and gender. As the��seven female panelists��of varied��race and sexual orientation discussed��white privilege, I wondered��how I could better use mine.��Being white, I used to feel I��shouldn’t speak up on racism���that that microphone belonged to women and men of color. But recognizing discrimination and not partaking in it no longer seem like enough, particularly when I hear others��speak from a place of fear and ignorance.

We can all use��whatever skills and platforms we have to help raise awareness and carry on the vital conversations so many are finally having on racism. That’s why I was so grateful to have A’Driane Nieves on my show yesterday���without whom I may not have had the courage to approach this topic. The brilliant writer, artist and mother of three beautiful black sons inspires many��through her blog��and social media posts. Her 2014 BlogHer Voices of the Year-winning piece, America’s Not Here for Us, prompted��by her son asking her if black people remain slaves, moved me to tears.

Regardless of how you feel about #BlackLivesMatter, I hope you’ll take the time to really listen to A’Driane and��other black voices��on the movement’s importance. Process their words, their stories. Understand that it��isn’t about devaluing��other races, but recognizing and resolving devastating conflicts that have been so deeply engrained in our culture that countless are��blind to them.��If you feel defensive, ask yourself why; is it possible you’re not seeing the full story? That your perceptions are limited to your own experience? If you agree that #BlackLivesMatter,��speak up. If you’re not sure what to say, support others who do. Life is too short and precious not to.

To listen to my interview with A’Driane, visit this link on iTunes ��� it starts about halfway in. I’ll share more on the first half, including my chat with celebrity dentist Dr. Nicholas Toscano and his role in aiding victims of hate crime, in another post.

Oral Hygiene, Domestic Abuse & Racism on Girl Boner Radio

A’driane Nieves –��Artist, Activist, Mother

How do you use your privilege? How has racism affected you? What’s opened your eyes to its existence? As always, I welcome your respectful thoughts.�����

Talking Shop with Adult Star Flash Brown #GirlBoner

Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing pro-athlete turned award-winning adult film star, Flash Brown. Born and raised in the South, Flash was introduced to the adult industry��while modeling in LA. His career has truly taken off since, landing him��numerous awards and nominations, countless fans and his own toy line���several dildos that replicate his 11.5″ penis! (Feel free to take a moment to, er, take that in. ;))

Hmm��� I wonder what we’re gazing at! ;)

What you’ll learn from our chat:

��� What it’s like being a male pornography performer

��� His first day on the job

��� How his loved ones feel about his career���and the surprising way his mother found out about it!

��� How male performers manage “wood problems”

��� Myths about adult entertainers

�����Where you can purchase his toy line at special holiday prices

��� Tips for comfortably enjoying sizable toys/penises that just might leave you breathless!

He’s a true gentleman with lots to say. I hope you’ll check it out!

To download or stream the episode, visit this��link on iTunes:

Talking Shop with Adult Star Flash Brown

To learn more, visit Flash Brown Productions and connect with��Flash��on Twitter:��@FlashBrownXXX.

Thanks so much for listening! Once you do, I’d love to hear your thoughts. :)��

Come visit me at Making Love Sustainable!

Hi��beautiful peeps!

Just a quick note today to let you know that I’ve been hanging out over at Making Love Sustainable���the blog of Wendy Strgar, owner and creator of Good Clean Love. Girl Boner Radio listeners may recognize Wendy from her fabulous intimacy tips over the past few weeks, and our chat last month.

Wendy asked me terrific questions about my work and more. Here’s a sneak peek at the post:

To read the full interview, visit this link:

Q&A With August McLaughlin, Girl Boner Radio

Hope you’ll stop by and share your thoughts!

In case you missed it, Wendy also kindly answered my questions for you all in this post: Are Your Intimacy Products Safe? Natural Lubes and Loveology with Wendy Strgar. You can also connect with Wendy and Good Clean Love��on����Twitter��(@GoodCleanLove) and Facebook. Thanks for the support!

Wishing you a beautiful weekend. ���

August