Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 78

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Loki and Max enjoying their new sunny window.

I’m all settled into the new home and even though there are about 10 boxes still packed and no decorations up on the walls I’m happy here. The place is nice, quiet, newer, spacious and feels like I can make this home. The cats are settled in just fine and love exploring all the new spaces they can get into trouble with.

I’ve already started the submissive forums in the area and gone to my first local munch. I’m getting out there and hoping to make some new connections and friends. The actual moving was a pain but not anywhere near as bad as it could be. We made it!

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Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

It’s Okay to be New
My Submission Isn’t Better Than Yours by tequilarose

Weekend Giveaway: Dungeon Play Pack from Deep Stealth Dungeon (1 Winner)

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Is He Ignoring Me or Has He moved On?
Ask lunaKM – I’m a Secret and I Don’t Like It
Ask lunaKM – Sub or slave; He says I’m slave, I say I’m sub, who’s right?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2013: Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: The Big Meet by kallista
In 2012: How to Approach a Dominant You Are Interested In
In 2011: When Your Dominant Plays With Others
In 2010: Setting Yourself Up for Rejection [Video]
In 2009: Using Playtime Check Ins Wisely

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions (suspended for summer), all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation

The chat nights are on vacation for the summer. Check back in September when they start back up! Enjoy the season — outdoors!

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Write down the first 5 things that come to your mind when you think about domestic service to your partner. What is involved in these things? How are they unique?
What is your understanding of “Topping from the Bottom”?
* Do you ever fear of losing your own identity or sense of self within your service?

* Do you welcome the idea of losing your sense of self or identity?

* Do you believe it is possible -for you- to do so?

* Do you believe it would be (or that it is) healthy -for you- to do so?
Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a friend? What was the reaction?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week

Episode 29A – Dominant Women

15 Aug 2014, 11:34am GMT

→ KinkyCast

This week Woody and the Beast get kicked out of the studio. Leigh takes over as two Dominant women give their view of BDSM with women on top. Miss_Tress and Myrrhdusa join Leigh for the A/B episode, each running about 33 minutes.

MP3 audio (17MB, 33min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

If you have interesting bookmarks you’d like to share, email them to me at subguide@gmail.com with the subject: Interesting link and I’ll take a look!That’s it for this edition.

–lunaKM

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 17, 2014 10:00

Ask lunaKM – Sub or slave; He says I’m slave, I say I’m sub, who’s right?

Thank you so much for this site! I am new to the world as I have always been vanilla. I met a man who is a dom and he started training me without me realizing it. He did not brain wash me and I am a strong willed person, but I am totally hooked! I am his and in four months he will relocate here for good. I gave complete trust, control, and myself and never felt so free, but one thing keeps making me nervous and sure it is my old me still there. He calls me his slave and he sent what he expects and agree to it all as he wants a loving one on one relationship, but I read slave is different then sub over and over. I feel like his slave, but because I would do anything for him and not bat an eye, but there is trust and he treats me gentle, patient, as a person, as a slut, as a lady, and makes me communicate on how I feel about everything. If I don’t like a new sex addition, he coax or adjust it until I either like it or he moves on. So being a slave to such a man I feel like I couldn’t lose, but I read and I keep thinking I am more of a sub personality, could it be he treats me so highly that it doesn’t feel wrong or should I talk to him and tell him I am a sub personality, but I want to be his slave? I am so confused!!!!!

Hello confused,

The answer is you are both. But that might not work for you, so let me explain something. Many of the terms used in BDSM conversation have personal meanings, submissive and slave being 2 very good examples. Each person is going to have an understanding of what they mean to themselves, but it isn’t going to align to another person.

So, while your Dom says you are a slave and you say you are a submissive – this could very well be the exact same thing.

I suggest you both sit down and have him describe what a slave is to you and you describe what a slave is to him. Then do the same for submissive. See if there aren’t common threads in the terms where you can see why he’s calling you a slave and you are calling yourself a submissive. I bet you will find that your definitions aren’t the same.

It’s not a bad thing that they might be different, but as long as you are both aware that you have different interpretations it could aid you in conflict later on. Do this exercise every time you feel like the words he is using don’t mean the same to you. It’s a huge help in your communication to know what the other person means when they speak!

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 15, 2014 15:00

Weekend Giveaway: Dungeon Play Pack from Deep Stealth Dungeon (1 Winner)

Deep Stealth Dungeon has fantastic deals on all sorts of dungeon gear! This weekend they are giving away a Play Pack to one lucky Submissive Guide reader! Please note this giveaway is for North American residents only.

Enter now for your chance as this prize package from Deep Stealth Dungeon!

Here’s what you get if you win!

Want to read about the prizes? Head on over to their site!

Black Textured Rubber Paddle
Police Hinged Handcuffs
Black Jawbreaker Gag
Would you like to win this dungeon play kit? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday August 17th, at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on Tuesday.

(North America only)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 14, 2014 10:00

Ask lunaKM – I’m a Secret and I Don’t Like It

Yes I had been in this lifestyle with the same Master going on six years now. I had just find out where he works, phone number etc. But I have not met anyone in his family or his friends. I am kept a secret and he is separated from his wife. He said to me that he wants to tell her about is but he does not want to hurt her. Then he told me he would introduce me to his son etc but he does not how to go about introducing me as.

Just wondering if this is normal or am I being used ? He told me that he is my Master forever but I am not happy about this. I had talk to him about it but he told me not to be so concern about it. I would like to know anyone input about this please :) – A Secret

Dear A Secret,

In just your short message I found so many issues that, being an outsider to your story, would cause me to run to the hills. You’ve been with someone for six years and just now finding out where he works and his phone number? You haven’t met any of his friends and family and he says he’s separated from his wife? I don’t buy it. If they are separated, that usually means leading to divorce and “not wanting to hurt her” is a disguise of “I’m really still with her and feeding you with lies so you’ll stay with me too.” How would he introduce you to his son? “Hi son, this is my mistress. I’m cheating on your mother with her.” Of course he’s not going to say that. You will never be introduced to his family or friends because you are intentionally a secret love.

You are a secret because he hasn’t broken up with his wife and if his secret is found out he loses both of his lives, the one with his wife and the one with you. That’s what I see when I read your request for advice. Could I be wrong? I guess I could, but who would keep the one you are supposed to love a secret from everyone and keep basic information from your partner too? Only a liar and a cheat.

I’m sorry but I think he’s playing you. You indicated that you aren’t happy being a secret. It’s time you stand up and tell him that you need to stop being a secret and having secrets kept from you. After six years it’s time for cold hard truths. If he won’t do it, no matter the reason, I feel it’s time to move on and find someone who will love to share his life with you and make you an important part of his life, not just the hidden part.

How do you feel about it? Do you like the idea of being his secret? Something has kept you with him for over six years, what is it? Is it worth the unhappiness you currently feel?

Personal Disclaimer: It’s not a secret that I find cheating abhorrent and despicable and it likely comes out in this post. There is no valid reason to be in a secret relationship, in my opinion. I make no apology for my views in this matter. I will not help you maintain a secret relationship, but advise you seek a way out. Lying isn’t one sided. If they lie to their partner, they will lie to you. How is a trusting D/s relationship, or any relationship, going to work based on lies?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 13, 2014 07:00

My Submission Isn’t Better Than Yours

Several years ago on Fetlife, I read something that made Kinky and Popular. I hate that I can’t remember who wrote this, but for sure I remember the writing. I remember the writing because I think like every submissive and slave, I’ve had this issue before and still do from time to time. The title of writing is “My Submission is Better than Yours(And Other Bullshit)”. And that is such a great freaking title for the piece because well, thinking your submission is better than someone else’s, it is a load of bullshit.

With the couple of past articles I’ve done, the one about safewords in punishment and the your kink isn’t my kink, this one follows along the line of those. Yes, I am being a broken record, but sometimes I feel like being a broken record isn’t always a bad thing when it comes to specific topics. The one topic is the sense of community and the things that happen that tend to push people away from the community.

I know being competitive is a part of human nature. I can be a very competitive person. I can’t tell you how many Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit games that I have been involved in that have ended with none of the participants speaking to each other for weeks at a time. When I get playing Uno with Daddy, that He is my Owner no longer matters. I am out for blood and waiting, just waiting for that perfect opportunity to play that draw four wild card and there are smart ass comments going back and forth because well, Daddy’s just as bad as I am. I wish I could say that my competitive nature ended with games, but it doesn’t. There have been so many times where I’ve compared my submission to someone else’s, and let’s just say, the results have never been pretty.

I have noticed with myself, that when my competitive nature has shown up in submission, my submission really starts to suffer. The reason this happens is because I’m focusing on the submissive/slave who I think that I am better than and completely caught up in everything she does or say that I lose track of why I submit. It’s not to prove that I’m better than others, but because I love submitting to Daddy. Not only that, but I become rather prideful and this type of prideful isn’t good because I’m proud that I’m better(at least I think I’m better)than this other person and not because I’m Daddy’s slave.

On the other side of the coin, worrying about what other submissives/slaves do can also cause you to doubt your worth. Been there, done that. The example I always think of is when I was reading “Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships”(great book, I do highly recommend it!). I was reading about the things dawn does for her master Dan and how their dynamic is and I found myself thinking “I don’t do that for Daddy and I never thought about doing that for Daddy and that makes me a bad slave”. My self-worth dropped a lot. I finally brought it up to Daddy after having these thoughts running around in my head for a few days and I told Him that I had finally realized(and yes I do need to remind myself of this from time to time)that their dynamic isn’t our dynamic and because she does x, y, z and I do a, b, c doesn’t make me any less of a slave.

The constant comparison of yourself to others doesn’t do anyone, especially you any good. All it does in the end is hurt you and take you further away from your ultimate goal-to serve your dominant. There is always going to be someone out there who is better than you and that will never change, but how you handle this is what counts the most. Instead of reacting in a negative manner, offer to help someone improve their skills and do things that can help you improve and find people who can help you improve your skills. Instead of tearing each other down and becoming competitive, let’s help build each other up and support one another.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 12, 2014 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Is he Ignoring me or has he moved on?

Dear LunaKM
I am a novice sub who found her first Master about a 5 weeks ago. We live about 200 miles apart and have mainly instant messaged, telephoned and skyped. About 3 weeks ago we met for the first time and it was wonderful. He asked for my submission about a week into the relationship and I was very happy to give it and found it liberating and fulfilling. However we have had a serious disagreement over an action I took because I was very worried about him after he had a head injury. He ignored my calls and my texts immediately after the incident and I haven’t contacted him for over a week now and he has not contacted me. I’m so sorry and saddened. I don’t know what to do – I know that ignoring can be a form of punishment but I don’t know if this is what he is doing or if he has severed links with me.

I am reluctant to phone or message him and am also terrified that I have lost him.

I need advice on how to proceed are there any protocols? He is an experienced Dominant but I am finding this silence difficult and cruel.

Any advice would be most gratefully received.

It’s hard to submit in silence. I never understood the Dominants who feel that ignoring their submissive is a good punishment but it does happen a lot online since the only thing you have online is communication. Remove that and it hurts – a lot.

He got injured and it’s definitely a situation where I’d want to know what happened also and to stay in contact. I don’t think you did wrong with wanting to reach out to him. That you had a disagreement over something related to it is unfortunate.

You are asking me to speculate what could have happened and I can do my best giving you possible scenarios but until he talks to you or you decide to let it go and move on there’s really no knowing what the truth of the matter is.

He’s still punishing you and waiting for you to come groveling back for forgiveness.
He’s decided that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and has taken the lame way out and just severed contact.
He has a wife or girlfriend and you’re wanting to talk to him while he was injured has revealed that you were his secret affair. He’s stopped talking to you because he got caught.
He doesn’t have as much experience as he let on and once you wanted more than he wanted to give he disappeared.
Something else entirely that I can’t guess.

You might appreciate the article I did recently on disappearing online Dominants.

Are there any protocols? No. Just because you identify as submissive and he as a Dominant does not negate the use of common sense and “normal” dating rules. He’s a guy and you are a girl. Would you put up with this if it weren’t for the Dom identity?

I hope you’ve found an answer by now and if now, moved on. Because waiting for communication is the worst feeling and you are definitely worth more.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 11, 2014 15:00

It’s Okay to be New

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 5/3/14

Oftentimes, the first lines of an email to me or an opening thread in a discussion group go something like this;

“I’m new and am nervous to ask these silly questions so be nice to me.”

“I’m really embarrassed to ask since I’m so new, but…”

“I’m new to the lifestyle and overwhelmed with all the information.”

They go on to ask their question, and still tiptoe around with the “I’m new” sign over their head. It’s not a bad thing to be new – everyone has been there. Not one person in the room can say they have never been where you are and that should give you some confidence to ask what you need to ask, no matter how silly it sounds to you.

It is perfectly okay to be new, inexperienced, confused, and overwhelmed. None of those are serious impediments, as long as you openly admit to them without being ashamed. - Cowhideman

I know how you feel. I know that it’s like standing up in a class of people who’ve already taken the course and asking the rudimentary questions. You feel they’ll laugh at you or call you stupid or naïve. It’s hard to be the new kid. Even in school being the underclassmen or the new kid from another district is hard. You may know what they are talking about, but you are afraid to speak up because it might not be welcome from a “foreigner”.

Some of those first sources of information are often flawed. The popular erotic fiction just doesn’t have the facts, and if you come to a discussion thinking you know the answer the newbie fear comes out when you realize that the stories you read have no truth to them. That’s the case most often but no matter where you discovered BDSM you’ve taken the step into the world and that takes courage.

When you visit this site, I don’t expect you to have all the information you need to make educated responses, or to know what to do first, second and next. It’s a process. But what I have to remind you is that everyone’s process is different. You may be new for a week, a month a year. It all is based on how long you hide behind that new label. And yes, you are hiding. How many times have you answered someone’s question with your “new” shield instead of taking a stab at it with whatever information you might have? Far too often, saying, “I’m new” is a fear of saying the wrong thing, of being laughed at for not having all the facts – when in fact whatever you already know is a good place to start and you should be proud of it.

It’s So Overwhelming!

In this world of technology and information sharing super-highways you can get so much knowledge from the safety of your computer. You don’t have to venture to the library or munches right away. Although the information you find might be just as overwhelming, at least you can sift through it and make your own judgments about if you agree with it or not. Almost any article, book or post on BDSM or kink is a personal opinion. Once you develop your own opinions on them you’ll see that we all can agree or amicably disagree. There’s no one way to explore BDSM.

While you may look at FetLife and see a bunch of things that go way over your head or that need far more experience than you have you have to remember that everyone started with the basics. It’s true that most people don’t ask about simpler things, that’s because there really isn’t much to discuss. Once you know, you know. Don’t be surprised if you get directed to a few posts and that’s the end of the discussion.

Eventually what you will see is that, yes there are people who do the extreme stuff all the time, but there are still more who are at other varying levels of kink. And when it comes to the discussions that come up it’s because the fancier, more advanced and difficult to understand things, desires for advice or to boast about their epic bondage attempt they go where they will likely get an answer – from the experienced.

Be Proud to be New

Newness doesn’t last long, so enjoy it. Love the exploration, the learning, the desires that seem to creep into every waking moment and fill every dream. One day you’ll be able to take that “new” card and toss it in the trash – but for now, wear it proudly. Don’t compare yourself to others. Remember what I said above – everyone progresses differently. Just be open to new knowledge, experiences and people.

Thoughts to Ponder
Are you new to the world of kink? What intimidates you the most so far?
Do you ever feel that you are disregarded because of your new status, that your opinions don’t matter?
If you are more experienced, what advice would you give someone who is new?
Interesting Links
Novices and Newbies Group on FetLife (Highly recommended!)
NewtoKink.com (affiliate)
Related Posts:
How to Safely Manage Sub Frenzy
Book Review: Playing Well with Others
The Secret to Better Submission Everyday
Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner: Part 3- My Partner is Interested!
How to Use FetLife to Broaden Your Learning

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 11, 2014 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: Independence #2: Angel by Karen A Nichols (1 Winner)

Author Karen A. Nicohols is giving a way one copy of Independence #2: Angel to one lucky Submissive Guide winner. The book is available in Mobi(Kindle), PDF, and E.Pub formats.

Enter now for your chance to win a digital copy of Independence #2: Angel by Karen A. Nichols!

Book Summary: Welcome to Independence, a private BDSM club located in the old industrial area in Tacoma, Washington founded six years ago by three friends.

The club has grown and prospered and is currently enjoying an increase in membership, in part due to the nearby location of the highly successful WindSwept Narrows Resort and Casino.

Club Founders, Gabe Garrett, Tanner Clayton and Colin Whetstone begin the journey into romance that is the life that surrounds a much smaller and more elite group of members.

A bonded and trusting group of friends that forms a family, they support one another through all types of trials and journeys and they share in their joys and romance.

It was the night after Thanksgiving and people were unwinding from the overwhelming food rush of the day before. The club, Independence, was slowly filling up with noise and the scents of arousal. Colin, a prosecuting attorney for the city of Tacoma, hadn’t expected to find anything more than a distraction from a series of cases that had brought far too much attention to the city. Bad cops, a highly sought after madam with a black book hot enough to sear the devil himself and then a mall shooter who had attempted suicide, but failed. He hadn’t expected to find an Angel at the club. But neither of them would ever be the same again.

You can find Karen online at her website and on Facebook as well. Make sure to stop by and show her some love!

Would you like to win a digital copy of Independence #2: Angel? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday August 10th, at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 07, 2014 10:00

Your Kink is Not my Kink

https://www.flickr.com/photos/dlytle/7340186858

The other day in a lifestyle group on Facebook, a member of the group posted a rant because she was tired of hearing about submissives and slaves being punished for stupid things, such as masturbating without permission. I was on the bus on my way home from shopping when I saw this and it upset me a lot. Not just mildly irritated, I was irritated enough that I was muttering obscenities under my breath and unable to keep my opinion about this to myself. I commented saying there’s nothing stupid about being punished for masturbating without permission if that is the dynamic she has with her owner. The the original posted commented that she only gets punished for serious things, such as doing something to harm herself and she rattled off some other stuff that I can’t quite remember now. I told her that this could have been an infraction she’s done several times and her owner is punishing her for doing this multiple times and she has no right to judge this person because of something that she and her owner agreed upon. I then also commented if my dynamic is stupid because I must have permission to get a drink at Starbucks. Apparently, I was being rude and disrespectful as all my comments were deleted as well as another person who agreed with me. So instead of running my mouth which wouldn’t have made things any better. I just bit my tongue and moved on.

This little exchange got me to start thinking about a rather common acronym in the lifestyle-YKINMK which stands for Your Kink Is Not My Kink. There’s a little longer version to that which adds but your kink is okay. Whichever one you rattle off, the main thing to remember is not everyone has the same kinks. To me, that’s one of the most wonderful things about being in the lifestyle. There’s so many wonderful and different kinks to explore and no right or wrong way to have a M/s or D/s dynamic. Whatever you find that works for you and your partner is perfect and that’s what matters the most.

I really don’t like people in the lifestyle who judge others for whatever rules they may have in their dynamic or because of a particular kink, especially if said kink isn’t exactly something that’s considered mainstream or extremely risky. I’ve had this happen more than once to myself.

It was the very first play party I had ever attended. I went with a dominant friend of mine because I didn’t know anybody and I was nervous to go on my own. After awhile, I found someone who was willing to beat my ass. Before anything happened and this includes my clothing being removed, I told him, I will cry, I will probably scream, I will look like I hate what you’re doing, but unless I say red, everything is good because that’s how I process things. Then he showed me what he had in his big black bag of tricks and asked if I seen something I was completely against having used on me and I told him no. I’m tied down to the spanking bench and I am in my happy space. I’m floating, right on the verge of sub space, but something keeps me from getting there. I could hear the people who were directly behind us talking. And they were talking about me. They were discussing how THEY thought my scene was going. THEY thought it was going badly. So THEY decided to go get the dominant who I had come with to check up on me. I was not a happy camper about that. Totally killed my buzz and shortly after, I ended the scene because my headspace was all messed up. I didn’t get the entire story of what was going on until the next day and then through the munch’s group board, the dominant who I had scened with(and had a scene negotiation talk with!)was being dragged over the coals for being irresponsible and taking things too far with a newbie. I was about eight kinds of pissed after I found out about all of this. It left me with a rather sour taste in my mouth. I was at a point where I didn’t know if I wanted to be involved with this local group or not. I get where the onlookers were coming from, that they were worried about my safety and well-being, but they didn’t know what had been negotiated prior to me getting buck naked and up on that spanking bench. It did take me some time after that incident to get back involved in the group.

It is incidents like that can cause people to leave the community or decide to try things on their own for being judged or rejected because of something they do and this is when(especially the newbies!)there’s a greater chance for something bad to happen. Nobody wants to hang around people who are going to judge them for what they do.

Those of us who practice and live the BDSM lifestyle in whatever fashion, we are a part of a very large world-wide community and those who are not in our community tend to shun and even try to punish us for what it is we do. I can’t remember for the life of me where I heard or read this, but somebody said that there is no way that BDSM will ever be mainstream and accepted by others because instead of being a community, we’re too busy fighting and judging one another. That hit home and really has stuck with me. Why treat others who are within your own group like the others who are persecuting you for what you do behind closed doors? We need to be there to support each other and remember what our common goal is.

Without realizing it, lunaKM already wrote another great article about this topic. It was written awhile ago, but it still conveys the same point. Make sure to check it out because like always, it’s filled with her wonderful words of wisdom!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 05, 2014 07:00

Exploring Hormone Junkies: Part 4 – Endorphins

This is a guest post by Erika McClean.

There is a whip in my closet that is an antique. It’s the kind that Drayers would use on their horse teams when driving a carriage. When I’ve been particularly bad, or good, Master will unhook that puppy from the rope it’s hanging on. Those moments, as he stands behind me with that whip in his hands, are some of the most stressful ones I ever experience during play sessions. It’s exciting, but terrifying, waiting for his arm to fly back and the first fiery lick against my skin. After a session with that though, I experience sensations of calm and satiated serenity that pretty much nothing else can match up to. Why? There are a lot of emotional, mushy sorts of answers to this, and a few spiritual ones as well. However I am forced to conclude that at the bottom line, it’s the endorphins.

So my fellow junkies, we come at last to what is probably the most pleasurable of the natural bodily chemicals that we BDSM players like to be saturated in, Endorphins. Endorphins aren’t hormones, they are neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters (NTs for short) are the chemicals in the brain that are used by our nerve cells to send signals to each other. Most of the other chemicals I talked about are both hormones and NTs, the basic difference between the two is that hormones act all over the body, while NTs only act in the Central Nervous System consisting of the brain and spinal cord.

Endorphins released in the brain react with the part of brain cells called opioid receptors. It’s the same part of nerve cells that are affected by drugs like morphine, codeine and the like. However, while outside opiates like morphine are highly addictive, endorphins are not considered to be so. You might think that’s because natural chemicals in the body can’t be as strong as pharmaceutical ones, but you would be wrong. Of the 20 or so kinds of endorphin chemicals in the brain at least one of them (called beta-endorphins) are stronger than morphine.

Endorphins have the happy effect of blocking pain as well as giving you a sense of euphoria. They also cause you to have a higher pain tolerance once they kick in and lower your emotional inhibitions. It’s the stuff that causes “runner’s high” in long distance runners, but I have to tell you I think getting whipped is a much more fun way to get there. The two major triggers for your body’s natural drug are pain and stress. During a scene, typically both of those things are in abundant supply. When the scene is over that calm sense that your head is wrapped in cotton or that soft floating feeling comes over you, (I like to tell people it feels like my blood has turned into sparkly golden syrup) it comes from the chemical high your pain has earned you.

One other thing you might think is interesting is you can use this to your personal advantage when you’re going to do a scene. If you naturally have a low pain tolerance, or at least one that’s lower than you’d like, you can trick your body into releasing endorphins in order to increase it. Lots of exercise will induce endorphin release, as well acupuncture, eating hot chili peppers, meditation and breath exercises, and massage. Knowing this is handy because if you’re feeling ignored or in a long distance relationship you can use those methods to give yourself a little bit of relief when it’s a long time between scenes.

Or perhaps experiment with doing a scene in stages, like when you go to the dentist and they give you a topical anesthetic before they shoot you with the Novocain. When working in stages, using smaller amounts of pain and stress followed by short break in order to allow your body to produce its own version of a “topical” could help you to push your limits a lot more than normal. Of course, keep in mind that lots of endorphins running through your blood is basically like being a bit high and your decision making skills might not be at their sharpest, so make sure your Dom(me) is sensitive to that.

There are lots of other brain chemicals that are important to function and probably play a big role in why we all do the things we do. Dopamine for instance, which deals with the “reward center” of the brain. These are the ones that always struck me as being the most related to my need for Domination, my urge to submit at the feet of my Master. Hopefully they will give you some ideas as to what you might try to further explore your own urges for submission.

Erika McLean of SnugglySubWear.com graduated from Husson University. She lives in Maine with her Dom husband, three kids and pets.

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Published on August 01, 2014 07:00