Lysa TerKeurst's Blog, page 40

YOU Can Be On the Webcast!

Hi blog friends!

Meredith Brock here. I’m Lysa’s production manager and we are getting really excited about the 1st FREE Unglued Webcast we have coming up next week on August 23rd at 8pm EST.

Not only will Lysa be bringing a special message to us that night but we will be joined by the awesome radio show hosts from KLOVE! How cool is that?

As we’ve been gearing up for this event we thought it might be fun to hear from some of our blog friends about what questions you’ve had as you’ve been reading Unglued. We’re going to pick a few of your questions to answer on the webcast that night AND we thought we’d spice it up a little by having you submit your questions by video!

Come on, you know you want to see yourself on the webcast.

Fun, right?

So get out your lipstick, fluff your hair, turn that little video phone on yourself and ask away! You can email your videos to theungluedbook@gmail.com

Be sure to tune in on August 23rd at 8pm EST at www.klove.com to see if your question makes it on to the live webcast!

PS…To sign up for a reminder email for the webcast click here … see you on the 23rd!

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Mean Girls

The plastic seats were green. The desks a dirty beige. The perfect pale color to make pencil marks easy to read. Really easy.

That’s how I saw what was making the group of girls sitting in front of me laugh. They turned to look at me. And then added to Jennifer’s desk art.

It was a frizzy-headed stick figure with huge buck teeth and crazed eyes. I knew even before I saw the name scribbled below, she’d drawn me. Me. An awful caricature of me.

It’s been years since I sat in that green seat with a dirty beige desk. But it hasn’t been years since I’ve had those same feelings of rejection and hurt. Of course, they aren’t from girls drawing pictures. But meanness hurts, no matter what age and no matter how it’s delivered.

You can take girls out of middle school but you can’t take the middle school out of some girls.

If you’ve been hurt in this way, you know what I’m talking about. In Unglued, I talk about the ways stuffers and exploders react. If we’re a stuffer type person, we want to withdraw and get away from the source of our hurt as fast as possible. If we’re more of an exploder person, we want to attack back so they’ll feel as bad as we do.

I’m not proud to say I understand both of these reactions very well.

But here’s where things get a little complicated. Jesus flies in the face of conventional wisdom and says for us to “love our enemies.” What? Are you serious?

Something deep inside us whispers, “Don’t you dare love this person. This situation is the exception.”

Let the internal battle begin.

This is tough stuff.

But what if I were to assure you that Jesus isn’t being cruel or naive in His command for us to love. He’s actually showing us how to get free from the sting of another person’s wounds. When we’re wounded we can either pursue healing by extending love back. Or, we can refuse healing and allow the “rejection infection” to set into our wound.

Here are three things to remember:

The Command

My job isn’t to fix my enemy. My job is to be obedient to God in how I deal with them. “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” (Matthew 5:44).

The Caution

If there is abuse, we must learn to love from afar. How? By forgiving the person that hurt us-releasing their offense into the hands of God. Trusting God to reveal to them their wrong and deal with their actions from here.

But we must always remember forgiveness and restoration don’t have to go hand-in-hand. You can forgive someone but not do everyday life with them. Ask God to give you discernment to know when and how to love from afar.

The Catalyst

So, back to Jennifer and the awful and hurtful pencil drawing. I wish I could go back to that moment and relive it with the knowledge I have now. Jennifer drew that picture because of her own haunting insecurities. And while it’s tough to have compassion for someone who’s hurting us in the moment of rejection, it is possible to have compassion for their obvious hurt. Hurt people, hurt people.

Dig beneath the surface of a mean girl and you’ll find a girl riddled with self-hatred.

Romans 12:20 says, “On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Jennifer was hungry and thirsty for affirmation of any kind. And the only way she could figure out how to get it, was to make those around her laugh at me.

What might have happened if I were to have walked by her desk, leaned in close, and given this desperate girl a drink from the living water? “Jennifer, you are beautiful. Do you know that?”

Not in a million years could I have done that in middle school. But I’m not in middle school any longer.

And now’s a good time to remember that.

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People-Pleasing

Hello, my name is Lysa and I want people to like me. So, I will sometimes say yes when I really want to say no. And when I do say no, I sometimes worry about how much I’m disappointing that person.

I would much rather write this blog in past tense. Like, “I used to struggle with this but I’ve really matured past it all. So, let me share how I bravely say no and never fret over that decision.”

But this isn’t a past tense issue in my life.

Though I have gotten better, I still have quite a ways to go. When I wrote Unglued, I confessed how hard it is for me to be honest with some people. My tendency to just stuff and smile has at it’s root, this desire to be liked.

No matter how I want to spin what this is, I have to call it people-pleasing.

It’s part of my DNA to love others. Love them and not disappoint them. But I have to realize, real love is honest. Real love cares enough about other people to say no when saying yes would build up a barrier in the relationship. Real love pursues authenticity rather than chasing acceptance.

So here’s how I’m challenging myself to break free from people-pleasing…I have to make peace with these realities:

* I am going to disappoint someone.

Every “yes” will cost me something. Every “no” carries with it the potential for disappointment.

Either, I will disappoint this person by not meeting the full extent of their expectations, or I will disappoint my family by taking too much time from them. Do I wish I could say yes to everything and still keep my sanity? Yes! But I can’t. So here’s how I will say no:

“Thank you for asking me. My heart says yes, yes, yes-but the reality of my time says no.”

A good verse for this is Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.”

* I must pause before giving immediate answers.

Sometimes it might be realistic for me to say yes, but I’ve learned to let my “yes” sit for a spell. Pausing allows me to assess how much stress this will add into my life. The person asking me for this favor probably won’t be on the receiving end of my stress. It’s the people I love the most that will start getting my worst when I say yes to too many people.

So, here’s how I will give myself time to make an honest assessment:

“Thank you for asking me. Let me check in with my family. If you haven’t heard back from me by the end of the week, please connect with me again.”

A good verse for this is found in Proverbs 31. Tucked between all the responsibilities she has is a verse that reveals her attitude. Proverbs 31:25 says, “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” What this says to me is she doesn’t set her heart up to dread what lies ahead.

* Make peace with the fact some people won’t like me. In an effort to keep my life balanced, I will have to say no to many things. If someone stops liking me for saying no they’ll eventually stop liking me even if I say yes right now.

There are some people I won’t please no matter how much I give. And some people won’t stop liking me no matter how many no’s I give. My true friends are in that second group and I love them for that.

Here’s a great verse for this: “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man I would not be a servant of Christ,” (Galatians 1:10).

Now, I want to hear from you. Do you have some people-pleasing tendencies you know you need to work on? Or, have you discovered some things you’d like to share to help those still working through this?

I’d love to hear from you on this topic today. Let’s chat it up in the comments below.

And if you happen to live in city where there’s a K-LOVE radio station, I’ll be on the morning show today from 9-11 am EST and tomorrow from 7-9am EST. We’ll be discussing Unglued and taking callers. I’d love to hear your sweet voice.

But if you need to say no to me, I’m all about that. I will clap my hands and be so proud of you. See? We’re making progress on this people-pleasing thing together.

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Surprise! Watch Week 1 of the Unglued Bible Study

So, do you remember last year when I made a little trip to Italy to film the Unglued Bible Study? And I had all kinds of issues with bad hair days because, well, the water in Italy encouraged frizz of all kinds.

Yes, that trip.

Well, I thought you might want to see evidence of one of those bad hair days…and watch week one of the Unglued Bible Study today. For free! I love free.

Thank you Zondervan for allowing me to post this today.

I’m really excited about friends reading and studying Unglued together. And married couples. And mothers and daughters. Because there is just something wonderful that can happen when we all get brave and vulnerable with each other.

So, take a look at this video. And then maybe grab a copy of Unglued for your friends or family members you want to do this study with. Give it to them and see if they are ready to make some “imperfect progress” together.

If you want to order a copy of the book, you can do that here. And if you want to find out more about the Bible Study Bundle, click here.

The winners of Monday’s contest are: Donna Sachse, Roxanne Atkinson, Patty Hatch, Gayle Humbertson, and Robbie Jungers. Congrats! Please email jennie@proverbs31.org your name and shipping address and we will send your Unglued DVD right away.

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Unglued Releases Today!

Today is a big day around the TerKeurst house. Release day!

I’m sure my kids are so excited they are dreaming of Unglued in their beds as I write this. Ha ha.

While my heart is so full of excitement there’s also lots of nervousness for the day to finally be here!

My prayer is that God will use the message of Unglued to help people have better reactions and healthier relationships.

Oh sweet friends, we could use your prayers this week! Pray that God will protect my team and me as we travel around this week. And pray for every person who hears about or reads Unglued. Pray their hearts would be touched and changed in the deepest ways.

The video below is an interview my pastor, Pastor Steven Furtick.

Pastor Steven and his wife, Holly, have become great friends to Art and me. We are so grateful for the relationship the Lord has allowed us to develop with this wonderful couple!

I hope you enjoy!

And of course, we couldn’t do release day without party favors. So, if you happen to buy an Unglued book, leave us a comment and you will be entered in a drawing to win an Unglued 6-week Bible Study DVD. We’re giving away 5 DVD’s today!

Thank you so much. Seriously, thank you.

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The Spark Chick-fil-A Lit

I used to think my husband sold chicken sandwiches for a living. But that’s really not true. Art opens the doors to his Chick-fil-A restaurant because he loves people. And if you happen to be hungry, he sells great sandwiches too.

And please know that my husband loves people regardless of the details of their personal lives.

Despite how some activists would love to spin the story, the same is true of the corporate officials at Chick-fil-A.

The whole model of how Chick-fil-A does business is built around second-mile customer service. Saying things like, “It’s my pleasure” and looking for ways to go above and beyond for our customers isn’t just a policy paragraph in the training manual.

It’s an authentic expression of who Chick-fil-A is as a company.

People love it. They love the friendly service, the true caring nature of the employees, and the atmosphere in which some pretty tasty chicken is served.

And it’s never been a secret that Chick-fil-A is founded on and run in accordance with Biblical principles.

So, why in heavens did it cause such a stir when the president of the company expressed his conservative views of marriage?

When other companies express their less than conservative views, it doesn’t even cause a blip on the media’s radar. But take a stand for Christian views in the secular world of business and suddenly sparks fly.

A spark is a sudden burst of light that pierces the darkness with the possibility to ignite a much bigger flame.

And judging from the millions around the country who stood in line for hours last Wednesday at Chick-fil-A stores in support of the right to express conservative views, I think a much bigger flame has been lit indeed.

The conservative voice has a right to be heard.

And I guess at the end of the day, it’s better to be criticized than ignored.

But in the midst of the criticism we’re keeping on with serving great chicken. Loving people. Speaking truth. Saying, “my pleasure” and meaning it with all our hearts.

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I’ll Be At BlogHer 2012 and Chick-fil-A Arboretum…Let the Awkwardness Begin

There is this girl who doesn’t pluck her eyebrows or shave on a daily basis. She waits until things like this are urgent. Like you can’t possibly go out in public one more day in this condition — urgent.

And she doesn’t like to cook. She wishes her people liked soup from a can and cereal from a box everyday. Every now and then she gets her fancy on with a grilled cheese sandwich or green beans cooked in chicken broth. But for the most part she gets take-out.

The smell of mint gives her a headache but the smell of a fresh cut lawn makes her heart sing.

She skips pages when she reads children’s books and starts non-fiction books in the middle.

She loves to practice her dance moves in the kitchen when her kids have friends over. Yes, they roll their eyes but in their hearts she knows they are giving her a standing ovation. For sure.

Hand her a deck of cards and she’ll cut it with one hand. But ask her to raise her left hand and she’ll still pause for a second trying to figure out which one that is.

Maybe you have some funny quirks. Oh do tell in the comments below. Seriously, I must know I’m not alone.

And while you think up which quirks to share, let me slip you one more little tidbit. So this girl with a list of quirks a mile long is about to release this book. Maybe she’s mentioned it a time or two hundred. Anyhow, Unglued comes out next week and, well…that makes this girl want to hide in a bathroom stall and wish she’d plucked those eyebrows before going out in public.

And there may or may not be some book signings coming up.

Book signings are great when there are actual people that come.

But book signings with no people are hands down the most awkward situation in the entire world-I kid you not.

Anyhow.

If you happen to be going to the BlogHer Conference in New York this Thursday, I’ll be in booth 316 from 6-8 pm. I’d love to see you. And if you can’t come, you can follow all my awkwardness on twitter @LysaTerKeurst.

I’ll also be at my husband’s Chick-fil-A Arboretum in Charlotte next Tuesday, August 7th from 6-8 pm. Rumor has it he might be giving out some free coupons if you happen to be in the mood to eat chicken for dinner that night.

Which works really well for this girl that doesn’t like to cook. Or shave. But I will on these days. Just so you know.

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When It Feels Better To Blame Someone Else

You want to know one of the hardest three-word statements to make? “I am wrong.”

It’s so easy to point out wrong in others. It’s so easy to want it to be someone else’s fault. It’s so easy to get critical and cynical and caught up in our limited perspectives.

But boy is it hard to see our own flaws. Where we went wrong. What we need to own.

I’ve been challenging myself on this. I recently had to correct one of my children for trying to blame someone else for something my child needed to own themselves. I could clearly see the pride, the insecurity, and the fear all wrapped around her blaming words. And why could I see it so clearly?

Because I see it in myself.

Bummer hunh? I know, it would be much more fun to talk about fashion today. I recently found a pink and green necklace that is so cute, let’s just pause and take a quick look:

Okay, now where were we?

Oh yes, my conversation where I explained to my child something I’m learning myself. About blaming. And the dangerous path blaming can take us on.

I explained that in most conflicts I have two ways I can choose to travel:

The Path of Pride-I can blame the other person, focus only on their flaws, and refuse to own my part of it. That response will increase my pride and decrease the Lord’s blessing in my life.

The Humble Way-I can honestly assess what I’m contributing to this conflict, admit where I went wrong, and ask for forgiveness. That response will lead to humility and increase the Lord’s blessing in my life.

I see this principle woven throughout the Bible:

James 4:6, “That is why Scripture says: God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Proverbs 29:23, “A man’s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.”

Matthew 23:12, “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

I know this. I believe this. So, why do I still find it hard to implement sometimes?

Well, here’s where my head wants to go when I start examining certain conflicts: “But what if it really isn’t my fault? It’s not fair to assign the blame with me when this person did this and this and this.”

But that’s a wrong direction to head in. Don’t try to assign the blame. Just own the part you brought into the conflict. When I approach a conflict with a heart of humility, I’ve yet to see where I haven’t added something to the issue.

And if the other person doesn’t own their issues-the Lord will deal with them. (See the verses above.)

There are gifts hidden in the tough stuff of conflict. There is grace and honor to be gained. But I’ll only see those gifts if I stop blaming others and start examining myself.

Maybe the next time you’re in a tough spot and feel pulled toward blaming, pray this, “God, I want to follow Your teaching in this. But it’s so hard. I’m mad and frustrated and hurt. The last thing I feel like doing is examining where I am wrong. But I know that’s what I need to do. Will You soften my heart? Will You give me eyes to see beyond my hurt? Will You help me cut through the assumptions and wrong thinking? I want to honor You in this, I really do.”

Think of a recent conflict with someone. Which way did you travel? Remember, it’s never too late to go back and go the humble way. And it might make it a tad bit easier if you’re wearing a cute necklace. I’m just saying.

The winners of the Unglued Bible Study kits are: Ashley Preston, Heather Frederickson and Erika Myette. To claim your study kit email jennie@proverbs31.org.

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No More Unglued Mama Mornings

I’m making a bold commitment: No more unglued mama mornings. In other words, I want our mornings to go better this next school year with less frustration, yelling, and chaos.

I started thinking about this last spring when we had a string of really hard mornings. One day, as I pulled up to the front of the school, the atmosphere inside the car was thick with tension. Not wanting the last words spoken to my middle-school daughter to be harsh, I tried to change the course of our conversation before she headed into her day. “Listen, I love you. I’m sorry we had a rough morning.”

“We always have rough mornings,” she shot back before getting out of the car and slamming the door.

Well, nothing quite makes a mom feel more successful than a little dialogue like that.

As I rubbed the stabbing feeling in my chest, I thought to myself, “Something has to change. Each day I promise myself I won’t yell at the kids in the morning and yet every day I do. I don’t want to. But each morning something happens that triggers me to just lose it.”

Ever been there?

It’s not like we wake up in the mood to get frustrated with our people, right? I mean honestly, I usually wake up in a pretty good mood.

But then the stress of getting everyone ready and to school on time makes the crazy creep in.

This one can’t find her shoes. That one needs a report printed, and we have no ink in the printer. The dog just had an accident on the new rug because no one listened to my instructions to let her out. The bread for sandwiches is still sitting on the grocery store shelf because I forgot to buy it yesterday. And to top it all off, I have no cash to give the kids so they can buy their lunch at school.

The whining. The complaining. The feeling that I just can’t ever get it all together. It all just escalates and sends me over the edge.

Well, I want mornings this school year to be different.

Do you want more calm and less chaos this school year too?

If you want to join me for this free 5 day challenge, enter your information here:

And don’t worry, our goal is imperfect progress. I’ll still mess up and you might too. But I’m giving this my best shot and can’t wait to enjoy more peaceful mornings.

After you sign up for the challenge, leave a comment below and tell me your best tip for more peaceful mornings. I’ll randomly pick 3 comments and give each winner a free Bible Study kit for my upcoming book Unglued … that’s the Unglued book, a 6-week DVD curriculum, and a workbook.

This isn’t your typical Bible Study. I’m not the hero of this teaching. I’m a gut honest girlfriend who is in the process of learning a lot about making wiser choices with my reactions.

Care to join me?

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Please Don’t Give me a Christian Answer

I love Jesus. I love God. I love His Truth. I love People.

Both Christians and those who haven’t found their way yet,  I love them.

But I don’t love packaged Christian answers. Those that tie everything up in a nice neat bow. And make life a little too tidy.

Because there just isn’t anything tidy about some things that happen in our broken world. The shooting that happened in Aurora, CO over the weekend is awful and sad and so incredibly evil.

And God help me, if I think I’m going to make things better by thinking up a clever Christian saying to add to all the dialogue. God certainly doesn’t need people like me with limited perspectives, limited understanding, limited depth — trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense.

Is there a place for God’s truth in all this? Absolutely. But we must, must, must let God direct us. In His time. In His way. In His love.

And when things are awful we should just say, “This is awful.”  When things don’t make sense, we can’t shy away from just saying, “This doesn’t make sense.”

When my sister died a horribly tragic death, it was because a doctor prescribed some medication that no child should ever be given. And it set off a chain of events that eventually found my family standing over a pink rose draped casket.

Weeping.

Hurting.

Needing time to wrestle with grief and anger and loss.

And it infuriated my raw soul when people tried to sweep up the shattered pieces of our life by saying things like, “Well, God just needed another angel in heaven.” It took the shards of my grief and twisted them even more deeply into my already broken heart.

I understand why they said things like this. Because they wanted to say something. To make it better. Their compassion compelled them to come close.

And I wanted them there.

And then I didn’t.

Everything was a contradiction.  I could be crying hysterically one minute and laughing the next. And then feel so awful for daring to laugh that I wanted to cuss. And then sing a praise song. I wanted to shake my fist at God and then read His Scriptures for hours.

There’s just nothing tidy about all that.

You want to know the best thing someone said to me in the middle of my grief?

I was standing in the midst of all the tears falling down on black dresses and black suits on that grey funeral day. My heels were sinking into the grass. I was staring down at an ant pile. The ants were running like mad around a footprint that had squashed their home.

I was wondering if I stood in that pile and let them sting me a million times if maybe that pain would distract me from my soul pain. At least I knew how to soothe physical pain.

Suddenly, this little pigtailed girl skipped by me and exclaimed, “I hate ants.”

And that was hands down the best thing anyone said that day.

Because she just entered in right where I was.  Noticed where I was focused in that moment and just said something basic. Normal. Obvious.

Yes, there is a place for a solid Christian answer. Absolutely.

But there’s also a place to just weep with no answers at all.

God help us to know the difference.

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