Lysa TerKeurst's Blog, page 2

Am I missing the red flags in my relationships?

When navigating difficulties in a relationship, do you ever find yourself asking, “Is this normal? Is every relationship this hard?”

I understand these challenges and have also asked the same questions.

But after years of personal counseling and extensive time spent in God’s Word, I’ve learned all relationships can be difficult at times, but they should not be destructive to our well-being. Not only is it OK for us to identify concerning behaviors and harmful actions against us, but it is biblical. It’s not unchristian to require people to treat us in healthy ways.

I know that can sound really simple at first and be much harder to make sense of in everyday life. That’s why I put together a free resource called “Is This Normal? 15 Red Flags You May Be Missing in Your Relationships.”

Through this free resource, you will be equipped to:

Stop tiptoeing around dysfunctions in relationships that are robbing you of inner peace — by learning the difference between a destructive pattern and a difficult season.Get honest about the effects unhealthy relational dynamics are having on you, with a guided list to process through so you can tend to your own emotional well-being in a biblical way.Take your next step with confidence and wisdom — by accessing reflective questions, a scriptural prayer, and a list of additional resources.

DOWNLOAD YOUR COPY HERE

I pray this resource is a blessing to you!

The breath of fresh air your heart has been asking for …

Hi friend,

Can we have a heart-to-heart talk for a minute?

There’s something I want to tenderly remind you today … Don’t underestimate the amount of still moments you may need.

Maybe you’ve experienced some unexpected hardship in an important relationship this year. Or you’ve been taking care of a sick family member. Maybe it’s been a difficult season of parenting or you’ve been feeling disconnected from God.

I’ve been there.

When our days are busy and we’re checking things off our to-do lists, we can be tempted to believe that we’re doing OK. But in reality, we’re coping, pushing through and numbing out.

For me, sometimes I need to get outside of my routines and everyday scenery to gain a fresh perspective. To be still and cry out to Jesus and ask Him for the strength and wisdom to actually walk through what I’m facing.

That’s why my team and I are so excited to invite you to a brand-new event …

Reset : A Saturday To Tend to Your Soul

October 7, 2023 | 10:00 a.m. | Charlotte, NC

REGISTER FOR RESET

This one-day-only, in-person event was intentionally created to be the breath of fresh air your heart has been asking for. I know it can be challenging to take time for yourself and add something else to your schedule, but I believe some of the most important days are the ones filled with still moments listening to Jesus.

Still moments allow us to step into the sacred space of trust in an all-knowing and loving God. Still moments quiet us long enough to hear something God may want to personally speak to us. Still moments remind us that we’re not in control — and that’s actually a really good thing.

Are you longing for this? Me too. Let’s Reset together.

SIGN UP NOW

Love,

I’m surprised by how far I’ve come.

Two years of healing. Two years of focusing on my own health. Two years of learning how to sit in the quiet with myself and be OK. Two years of believing God for good even when things felt not good at all. Two years of going home to an empty house and counting the blessings that are still abundant. Two years of realizing the days I feel like opening God’s Word the least are the days I need God’s Word the most. Two years … and I’m good. Better than good. I’m honestly surprised by how far I’ve come and how honest my laughter is now. My life looks different, but it is still full and joyful. And I’m grateful.

And, friend, wherever you are on your own journey right now, I want to tell you: You’re going to make it. You’re not going to just barely crawl into your next season. You’re going to rise and run into it with a smile on your face and a heart full of grace.

If you need help believing this is true, I want you to join me for the next Proverbs 31 Ministries Online Bible Study as we go through my new devotional, You’re Going to Make It: 50 Morning and Evening Devotions to Unrush Your Mind, Uncomplicate Your Heart, and Experience Healing Today.

Sign up here!

You don’t have to numb the pain or go through the motions. Let this study help you get intentional that though this may be a hard time, it can also be a holy time.

P.S. If you have a friend going through a difficult season and you aren’t sure what to say, give her the gift of You’re Going to Make It and do the study together. This is better than a greeting card … This is a book filled with biblical Truth that can actually help.

You’re Going to Make It… And I am too.

Some people say time heals all wounds . . . but I don’t agree.

I think it’s what we plant in the soil of that time that determines what we yield.

I know it can be hard to figure out this whole healing thing. Healing is not nearly as neat and tidy as I would like it to be. Ideally, I want to build on what I learn each day and check off my healing boxes like I would cross things off a to-do list. But that’s not the way healing works. It’s not linear. It is a journey of both progress and regress.

Through my own healing journey, I learned a daily practice that really helped me: Receiving God’s encouragement, instruction, and truth to start my day and releasing to God all that’s weighing me down at the end of each day.

And I’m so excited to share with you that I wove this rhythm into my new devotional You’re Going to Make It so we can make progress together.

With 50 days of morning and evening devotions and beautiful color photography, this devotion will help you:

Receive the biblical truth and encouragement you need when hurtful situations leave you worn out and unmotivated to spend time with God.Escape the loneliness of trying to heal on your own with trusted wisdom from a Bible teacher and friend who understands your pain and wants to help you move forward.Be reassured that though this difficult season is part of your story, it will not be your whole story.

PREORDER NOW 

When you preorder today, you’ll immediately get 5 days of devotions, a new, exclusive episode of the Therapy & Theology podcast, and more!

Oh friend, you’re going to make it. And actually, even better, we’re going to make it together.

Help and Wisdom For Your Most Important Relationships

Have you ever needed solid help and wisdom from voices you can trust about the relational difficulties you’re facing?

For many years, that’s exactly what I was looking for. I was perpetually confused about what I saw happening in front of me, yet felt powerless to do anything about it. I just didn’t have the wisdom I needed. 

All of that has changed now thanks to years of Christian counseling with my personal licensed therapist, Jim Cress. Since therapeutic help and insight made such a difference in my life and relationships, I wanted to pair it with the theological wisdom I was learning from my own time in God’s Word and from working with Dr. Joel Muddamalle, the Director of Theology at Proverbs 31 Ministries. I know how crucial it is to have access to these kinds of helpful resources, especially when you’re walking through a hard season.

Jim, Joel and I began recording episodes of our podcast Therapy & Theology, and now the show has over 1 million downloads! We’ve taken important topics such as trauma, anxiety, narcissism, healthy conversations and boundaries and addressed them from a therapeutic and theological standpoint. And in Season 2, “Let’s Stop Avoiding This Conversation: 6 Topics Women Have Big Questions About,” we decided to “go there” and answer the questions you have about pornography, emotional abuse, submission, identifying destructive patterns in relationships and more. 

All six episodes of Season 2 are now available — you can listen HERE. 

Here’s what iTunes listeners are saying about Therapy & Theology… 

“You put the pieces together for women to move forward. Sometimes the words pierce my heart as memories of my past return. However, you reinforce my value and worth. Don’t stop this podcast!” 

“I am eternally grateful to Lysa, Joel and Jim for sharing so much wisdom. This podcast taught me so much about God’s word and depth of His love. It also helped get me through one of the toughest times in my life.” 

“If you’ve got a friend that is struggling, this is a podcast for them. I’ve shared this more than any other podcast ever. Highly recommend. I will keep on listening. I recommend that you do too.” 

Friend, I hope you’ll listen in as we talk about the real issues you’re facing in your life and relationships and help you move forward — together. 

The chapter I never got to share … Start reading now!

As I wrote my new book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, I thought of you with every word I typed. I thought about the comments and direct messages I receive with your stories. The heartbreak. The tears. The relational hardships that seem never-ending.

The greatest desire of my heart was to create a safe place for you to process all of this within the pages of this book. 

That’s why I want to invite you into a part of my journey that I never got to share with anyone — words that started out in my journal and made their way into the early manuscript for Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. Unfortunately, in the publishing world, there are restrictions on how many words can go into a book. So I had to remove one of my favorite chapters, “How To Be an Absolute Disappointment and Live To Tell About It,” to stay within the given parameters. But I tucked this chapter away because I still wanted these truths to make it to you somehow since they had helped me so much personally. 

You can read it here!

One last thing — my team at Proverbs 31 Ministries and I are hosting a free Online Bible Study of Good Boundaries and Goodbyes in January, and I’d love to have you join us. By signing up, you’ll get access to other free resources, like study videos, that I don’t want you to miss! 

Start the new year studying with me.

This Is What I So Desperately Needed

Every day, I receive dozens of direct messages on social media from women who have been profoundly impacted by the Therapy & Theology podcast. 

This podcast was born out of my own desperate need to make sure I was actually processing in a healthy and biblically wise way all I was going through, not just hoping everything would get better over the course of time. 

I was fortunate enough to find a really good Christian counselor, but that is not the case for a multitude of women. Either they can’t afford counseling, they are afraid to go to a counselor, or they can’t find one in their area. 

Because their need is so immediate, while they are looking for a counselor, we knew it was crucial to bring help to them right away through the Therapy & Theology podcast. And we’re astounded by how many people are listening and receiving the resources they need. 

We recently found out that Therapy & Theology was in the top 20 overall podcasts and has had over 575,000 unique downloads since its launch in August 2022. Our prayer is that some episodes have also helped you personally.

Each episode costs about $2,000 to produce and share on our various platforms. Would you consider donating $20, $200 or $2,000 to Proverbs 31 Ministries to help us continue providing free resources like Therapy & Theology? If you’d like to give to further the ministry of Therapy & Theology, your donation will be doubled until this Friday, 12/9!

We want to keep meeting women right where they are, reminding them that though they’re experiencing pain in their stories right now, this pain doesn’t make up the whole stories of their lives.

GIVE NOW

I thank God for you, and I’m so honored we get to do all of this together.

Many blessings,

Lysa

P.S. If you’ve never been able to listen to Therapy & Theology before, we would love for you to begin while you’re baking, wrapping gifts or traveling this Christmas season. Listen here!

You Can Love Them but You Can’t Change Them

Do you have a relationship in your life where you know something is wrong, but you can’t figure out what to do?

You’ve prayed about this behavior or situation. You’ve talked about this. You’ve tried to navigate it. You may have even tried to stop it. You’ve made changes. You’ve listened to wise advice and done everything you know to do.

But in the end, nothing has worked.

And maybe you’ve started to realize if the other person doesn’t want things to change, you cannot change them.

So what can you do?

Apply boundaries.

I know … This feels impossible. Relationships come with many of their own complex layers. Maybe you’ve even tried to set boundaries before and it didn’t go well.

Do any of your challenging situations look like one of these scenarios?

You know you need to set a boundary, but this person is someone who:

Personalizes everything and is prone to being very offended. You can’t figure out how to address something they repeatedly do that is not acceptable to you. You know you need a boundary, but you don’t know how to communicate this need without causing more drama than you feel you can handle right now.Is in authority over you at your job, and it doesn’t feel like boundaries would work.Lives in your home, and though you need some distance, setting a boundary doesn’t feel very realistic.

Whether your challenging relationship situation is like one of these or not, here’s what I’ve realized: Most of the time when we feel like boundaries don’t work, it’s because we have tried to use them to force another person to change. Boundaries can’t be an attempt to control another person.

Instead of putting a boundary on another person, we should establish a boundary for ourselves in that situation. The purpose of a boundary is to help you stay self-controlled and safe. You can ask yourself, If this other person is unwilling to make, or incapable of making, needed changes, what is within my ability to change? You get to establish what is and is not acceptable for you … and what you do and do not have to give.

Obviously, this isn’t easy. But without drawing healthy boundaries, the only other option is allowing the unhealthy relational patterns to continue and secretly wondering if you are the crazy one.

And, friend … you may be brokenhearted. You may be sad. You may be afraid and possibly angry. You may be focused on trying to fix what isn’t within your ability to fix. And you may even be fixated on trying to figure everything out.

But you are not crazy. It is not selfish to establish healthier and more sustainable patterns within your relationships.

Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and whole. You can love the other person, but you can’t change them. So be honest with yourself as you consider this: Where there is relational chaos, there is usually a lack of boundaries. Love should be what draws two people together, not what tears one of them apart.

Hebrews 4:16 tells us we can “approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Oh, friend, God cares about us and He cares about our relationships. None of this is easy, but you don’t have to figure all of this out on your own. As you continue to process and pray through all of this, you may also find it helpful to talk with a trusted Christian counselor or wise friend.

Take a deep breath. And take a few minutes today to really think through the truth that the only change you have control over is making a sustainable change for yourself. We may be powerless to change someone else, but this doesn’t mean we’re powerless to experience change in our own lives. Boundaries give us this gift.

God, it’s a humbling truth to realize I can’t change another person — I can only change myself. As I consider where boundaries may be necessary, give me discernment, wisdom and courage. Help me come to You first as I’m navigating different relationship hardships. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

If this resonated with you today but you still have questions, I did a live Q&A last week for the release of my book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes ! Click here to watch the free replay if you missed it or want to watch it again .

I’m Going to Answer Your Most Asked Questions … Join me on Facebook Live tomorrow!

Is it unloving or selfish to set a boundary? I’ve found myself asking this very same question. 

Join me tomorrow on the Proverbs 31 Ministries Facebook page as I answer this question and more during a free live Q&A! 

Don’t miss this behind-the-scenes conversation tomorrow, November 8, at 11:00 a.m. ET, to celebrate the release of my new book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. 

I can’t wait to process the questions so many of us are having around the topic of boundaries together and celebrate the release with a fun giveaway at the end!

See you then!

Click here to join the release day event at 11:00 a.m. ET tomorrow.

Let’s Stop Avoiding This Conversation: 6 Topics Women Have Big Questions About

It’s challenging to be a dearly loved daughter of God and at the same time a poorly treated woman by another person. 

I’m wondering if you can relate. 

During the writing of my newest book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, I realized this on a very personal level. I met with my counselor, Jim Cress, to work on healing from some of my own experiences and I spent hours processing the impact of the trauma I’d walked through.

I want to be a woman walking in victory healed, educated and equipped to have the conversations that need to be had. I don’t want to make noise. I want to make a difference.

I’ve learned through the years that people connect through their similarities, but they really connect through their brokenness. And what better way to connect with women where they are than to start with where we’re broken … where we’re misunderstood, devalued, blamed for ending unsustainable relationships and shamed for bringing things hidden behind closed doors into the light of therapy and correctly interpreted theology. 

That’s why Dr. Joel Muddamalle, licensed professional counselor Jim Cress, and I knew it was crucial for us to record Season 2 of the Therapy & Theology podcast … “Let’s Stop Avoiding This Conversation: 6 Topics Women Have Big Questions About.”

Yes, now is the time to address what needs to be addressed from a therapy and theology standpoint. In this series, we are going to tackle scriptures taken out of context, and we’re also “going there” with questions you have about pornography, emotional abuse, submission, boundaries and identifying destructive patterns in relationships. You know — the relationships that are causing so many of us to feel crazy and paralyzed by relational dysfunction.  

You can listen to Episode 1: Why No One Wins When A Woman Is Devalued and Episode 2: The Part Emotional Abuse Plays in Silencing Women right now! We will release four additional episodes over the next few weeks, so be sure to subscribe on your favorite podcast platform so you don’t miss a thing.

In this important series, we’re not going to tell you what to think, but we are going to give you a lot to think about. So pull up a chair, and let’s get started…