Lysa TerKeurst's Blog, page 38

From Overpowered to Empowered

A few weeks ago I drove to the airport in the pouring rain. The skies were grey. The day felt a bit gloomy. And honestly, so did I.

There were just a lot of little things swarming my thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy stinging. “There are so many things I’m responsible for and never enough hours in the day. I do enough to keep things from sinking. But I just wonder if I’m doing anything well. I don’t think I am – doing anything well.”

The more I focused on these thoughts, the more overpowered I became. The more overpowered I became, the more withdrawn I felt.

I pulled into the parking space and started the fight with my luggage. My suitcase has two wheels missing. And of course I keep intending to do something about this. But I don’t have time. So I make do with a crazy suitcase and a crazy life and a crazy sense I should just pack my family up and move out west somewhere. Live on a ranch where we grow our own food and I cook beans in a black pot over an open flame.

Surely that would fix everything.

Except that I know it wouldn’t.

Because the chaos isn’t from my circumstances. It’s inside me.

I boarded the plane. I stared out the window. I watched the grey clouds envelop us.

And then the grey broke.

Suddenly, we rose above the clouds and the sun was shining crazy bright and far wide and fabulously clear.

The clouds were just a temporary covering. They didn’t stop the sun from shining. They just prevented my eyes from seeing the sun. And it wasn’t just the sky that appeared a little brighter. My mood did as well.

I started to shift from feeling overpowered to empowered as I realized three things:

* Just because I feel it doesn’t make it real.

Just like I felt the sun was gone but it was very much still there, I might feel like I’m not doing anything well, but it doesn’t make it true. The fact that I have weaknesses doesn’t make everything about me weak. I have plenty of strengths.

All I have to do is ask a couple of my friends or my family members to help me see what I do well. I can celebrate those, and then get a plan for bettering things that need improvement. I can start by identifying one thing to improve on this month. And do a little toward making that one thing better.

* There are a lot of people who would trade their best day for my worst day.

Yes, I have a lot to manage. And yes, sometimes things get a little foggy. But that doesn’t mean I have to stay swallowed up in the grey. That means I need to get my head above the clouds and see all the many places where the sun is shining brightly in my life. So, I can start making a list of things for which I need to be thankful.

* My mind needs some space to think.

If I always run at a breakneck pace, I’m eventually going to break. My mind is a powerful tool, capable of seeing things that can be done more efficiently and effectively if I give myself time to think. When is the last time I just sat quietly with a pen and paper and asked the Lord to help me think?

If the clouds have been looming close lately, maybe it’s time to stop. Pause. Lift your eyes to an altitude that can rearrange your attitude.

And if you happen to know where I can get some good luggage with sturdy wheels, do tell.

Related posts:

The Place Where Disappointment Grows
Christians Acting Ugly
Where Faith Gets Awfully Messy

The Rip Current of People-Pleasing

I’ve been working on a tangle of words, thoughts, and ideas on “People-Pleasing.”

Bring this phrase up in a group of women and the responses are interesting. Most quickly say they struggle with this to some degree. Those that say they don’t struggle with people-pleasing eventually admit it is present in at least one of their relationships before the conversation is over.

So, people-pleasing is something that affects most of us.

And yet, it is something we seem kind of resigned to having to deal with rather than determined to overcome it.

Why is that?

Yesterday I tweeted, “Dead giveaway I’m in the rip current of people-pleasing – when I dread saying yes but feel powerless to say no.”

We all want to be liked. There’s nothing wrong with that. But as we travel the path toward love and acceptance let’s take a look at two of the possible motivations behind people-pleasing.

One motivation is to give love out of the kindness of our heart. In giving love we feel love. That’s good.

Another motivation is to give to others out of what we hope to get in return – love. In getting love from what we do, we feel desperate to do more to get more. That’s dangerous.

It’s the second way that gets us into trouble with people-pleasing. It’s not wrong to want to make others feel loved, happy, and pleased. But if we are doing it with the motivation of getting things in return, we will set ourselves up for trouble. Being in a constant state of trying to get love by doing more and more will lead to exhaustion.

Exhaustion for the giver. Exhaustion for the taker. Exhaustion in the relationship all together.

Ephesians 5:8-10 says, “For at one time you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.”

I like the explanation of what the fruit or evidence is of us walking as children of light – doing what is good, right, and true – as we discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

I am challenged to make this a filter for the decisions I’m making today.

If I’m seeking to please the Lord, I will ask some questions before agreeing to do something for another person: Am I doing this with good motives, right intentions, and true expectations?

Or am I doing this with:

Fearful motives … They might not like me if I say no.

Skewed intentions … If I do this for them will they be more likely to do that for me?

Unrealistic expectations … I just know if I give a little more, they’ll affirm me and I’m desperate for their affirmation.

Wherever we focus our attention the most, that will become the driving force in our lives. The more I focus on trying to figure out how to please people, the more of a magnified force people-pleasing will become in my life. The more I focus on trying to figure out how to please God, the more of a magnified force He will become in my life.

My focus. My choice.

Have you experienced the cycle of doing more to get more? I would love to hear your thoughts on this today.

Related posts:

People-Pleasing
Criticism Hurts
The Best Worst Thing

The Place Where Disappointment Grows

The space between our expectations and our reality is a fertile field. It will grow something. Disappointment.

When I was in high school, I had a friend whose sister had the coolest hairdo. It was cropped short with straight bangs that fell messy over one eye. She was that older sister who just seemed to have a handle on how to do everything with style.

I somehow decided all of her coolness traced back to her hairdo. Like that was the budding spot from which the life I wanted could sprout.

Yes, that hairdo.

Never mind the fact her hair was thin and obedient. And mine was thick and rebellious.

Never mind that her hair was sleek and straight. And mine was curly at best and frizzy at worst.

Never mind that her bangs fell nicely over her forehead. And mine had a crazy cowlick causing them to grow up, not down.

Yes, never mind reality.

I set my expectation on the highest bar and willed my hair to fall in line.

The hair dresser chopped. And chopped. And chopped. And tried to assure me I now looked JUST like the picture of the older sister.

But that was a lie. I knew it. She knew it.

And oh how the space between my expectation and my new reality grew some serious disappointment. I still have nightmares of that disastrous hairdo where I wake up desperately grabbing at my head to make sure my hair is still there.

But hair grows back. Bad cuts can be fixed in time. That disappointment can be remedied.

Other situations aren’t so easy. Maybe you have some space between a current reality and an unfulfilled expectation. If so, I imagine disappointment can be found growing there.

Psalm 23:1 says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” The Hebrew word for “want” is chacer meaning “to lack, be without, become empty.”

So, if the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not become empty. I shall not live in a constant state of disappointment where circumstances leak me dry.

But … I do sometimes. And not just with my hair. It’s other stuff as well.

Important stuff.

So, how do I let the Lord shepherd me so that the gap between my expectations and reality closes?

I ask myself questions. Here are three things we can ask ourselves when faced with disappointment:

1. What do I need to learn? Maybe God has an appointment for me in the midst of this disappointment. If God wants me to see, learn, know, or grow in some way while I work through this unmet expectation, I have to be open to hear this from Him.

Many times God shows me a flaw of mine that needs to be addressed. When I address my flaw, I can more easily adjust my expectations.

2. Could it be that I’m so concerned with what I don’t have, I’ve forgotten to be thankful for what I do have? Sometimes, it’s not that my reality is bad. It’s that I created too much space for disappointment to grow by placing my expectations too high.

3. Is there something I can do to change this situation? If so, I need to ask God for the courage to make changes. If I keep hoping things will get better but don’t make any adjustments, that’s foolish. The space between my reality and my expectations will only change if I do.

Now back to my high school hair situation. The next time I start flashing pictures of cute pixie hair cuts I’m considering getting, somebody send me a link to this blog post. Please. Pretty please. With a dollop of hair gel on top.

Here are the winners from the recent book giveaways: Jacqlyn Ester, Heather Peoples, Judi Splint, Kim Cherry, Candice Hendrix and Mary Anne Lansden. Please email your mailing address to jennie@proverbs31.org and we will get your book in the mail to you.

And here’s a fun little special we’re running this weekend … if you’ve been thinking of getting my new book Unglued but haven’t yet, or if you want to order one for a friend now is a good time! I’ll personalize a signed book plate for you.

All you have to do is purchase Unglued between now and this Sunday (Sept. 30th) from wherever books are sold. Then email a copy of your receipt to theungluedbook@gmail.com. Include who you want the book plate personalized to and where you want us to send it. Fun!

We are only set up to mail these within the United States. Thanks! And may your disappointments be few and your hairdos be great this weekend.

Related posts:

Pizza Man Grace
Disappointment
Interview with Laura Story

Surprise, Surprise

You know it’s going to be an interesting hotel stay when you near your room and from the hall you hear your neighbors. And I don’t mean you hear them talking. Ahem.

So, I quickly fumbled through my purse for my key. How could the key get buried in the mess I call a purse in just the 5 minutes it took me to get to the third floor? Oh my heavens I just need to get in my room and turn on some loud music.

With that great mission at hand, I unlocked my door to rush inside.

But the door jammed against the safety bar inside.

And it was at that exact second I realized I wasn’t hearing the people next door. I was hearing the people already assigned to my hotel room. Yes, the one I just busted in on.

Glory.

Good thing I have ILD … Inappropriate Laughter Disorder.

And good thing I’m good at charades so in my fit of laughter the horrified hotel clerk could discern I needed another room. One without people. Talking. And other stuff.

I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I am so thankful to announce that Unglued has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for 6 weeks now. I’m thankful that so many women are resonating with this message. To celebrate I’m giving away 3 copies of Unglued with the new cover.

So leave a comment below. If you have a funny story we would love to hear it, but no pressure, we just want to hear from you.

Related posts:

Secrets Of Success Found In Small Places
The Crayon Masterpiece
Those little code sayings…

I Want to Run Away

You want to know one of the worst feelings in the world to me? Feeling stuck.

Stuck in a situation where I can’t see things getting better. I look at the next 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days and all I see are the same hard patterns being repeated over and over and over.

I try to give myself a little pep rally of sorts and tap into that Pollyanna girl that’s inside me somewhere. The part of me that knows the glass is half-full and chooses to see the bright side. But Pollyanna isn’t there.

Life suddenly feels like it will forever be this way.

And this dark funk eclipses me.

This happened to me when my two oldest daughters were babies. Hope was not quite 16 months old when I gave birth to Ashley. I was thankful for these two amazing gifts. I knew they were blessings. I loved them very much.

But there was this other side of motherhood no one talked to me about beforehand. It never came up at my baby shower or a doctor’s appointment or in conversations with the mommies that had gone before me.

In the midst of all the pink happiness, the dark funk came.

This desperate feeling that life would forever be an endless string of sleepless nights. Leaky diapers. Needy cries.

Forever.

One night in between feedings I went to the drug store to get some baby Tylenol. I pulled into a parking space right in front of the restaurant beside the drug store and stared inside. There were normal people in there. Laughing. Eating. Having fun conversations. They had on cute outfits and fixed hair-dos.

I looked at my reflection in the rear view mirror.

I cried.

This is my life. Forever.

Suddenly I had this crazy desire to run away.

Far away.

And then guilt slammed into my already fragile heart and I convinced myself God was going to punish me for feeling this way and take one of my babies. Teach me a lesson. Smite me for being so stinkin’ selfish.

I cried until I could hardly breathe.

I thought about this the other day when I started feeling stuck in a different situation.

A situation that felt so big and made me so sad. I felt myself on that edge of the dark funk thinking this is the way it’s going to be forever.

But then I remembered that night crying in my car. I realized those days of diapers and no sleep weren’t forever. It was a season. A season that came and went. And this would play out that way too.

It’s the rhythm of life.

The ebb and flow of struggles and victories.

I closed my eyes and whispered, “Are you here God? Hold me. Breathe courage into my weak will. Help me.”

And in that moment I realized all that God ever wants from me is to want Him. Love Him. Acknowledge Him.

In the midst of struggles. In the midst of my victories. “God, I love you. I don’t love this situation. But I love you. Therefore, I have everything I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk through until I get to the other side of this.”

One step at a time. With the full assurance God is okay with me even when I’m not okay with me.

“If you carefully observe all these commands I am giving you to follow – to love the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to hold fast to Him – then the Lord will drive out all these nations before you, and you will dispossess nations larger and stronger than you.” (Deuteronomy 11:22-23)

I love how the Scriptures say, “hold fast” to the Lord. The dark funk makes me want to hold slow. Make God the last thing I try when I’m stumbling and falling. But if I close my eyes and simply whisper, “God…” at the utterance of His name He “dispossess” things trying to possess me.

Then I can see this is a season. This isn’t how it’s going to be forever. Though my circumstances may not change today, my outlook surely can. And if my mind can rise above, my heart gets unstuck.

Related posts:

When I Want To Be Mean Too
This is news- This is not truth
The Best Worst Thing

Sometimes I Talk Too Much

I have some opinions. I have some thoughts. I have a plethora of words that beg to be spoken.

And if I’m not careful those words can be too much.

Unchecked words that come too fast bring with them a rush of trouble. That’s why it’s important for me to consider three things with my words…

1. Listening should take precedence over speaking.

Honestly, I think a lot of relationship troubles could be solved if we made the commitment to listen more than we speak. Gosh this is hard, isn’t it? Sometimes when I’m listening to someone all I can focus on is when I’m going to be able to jump in and say what’s screaming in my brain. Later I realize all that focus on my next words prevented me from really listening to what they were trying to say.

What if I made the commitment today to do more listening than speaking? I think I’m going to try this. I’m going to challenge myself to not interrupt. Wait until there is a true pause in the conversation. Truly consider what the other person has said. And then respond with care.

“He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” Proverbs 18:13 NIV

2. Words should be measured.

I need to engage my brain before I engage my mouth. Just like I consider how a purchase will affect my bank account, I have to consider how words will affect my relationship account. I can do this by thinking about how my words will come across and intentionally asking myself if there are better words that could be used in this situation?

“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2 NIV

3. Once they are spoken, I can’t unspeak them. (Is that a word? If not, it should be.)

Once words come out of my mouth I can’t gather them back in. It’s like once you squeeze too much toothpaste out, you can’t get it back into the tube. Now certainly, I can quickly say I’m sorry. I can ask for forgiveness. I can attempt to make the wrong right. But I can’t unspeak my words.

“Words kill, words give life; they are either poison or fruit – you choose.” Proverbs 18:21 MSG

There is so much good advice about words throughout the book of Proverbs in the Bible. Today is the 18th of the month so I chose to study Proverbs 18 … and look at all the wisdom tucked just a few verses from that one chapter!

Leave me a comment today with your favorite verse from Proverbs about “words.” And let’s commit together to talk less, listen more, and use our words as gifts.

Related posts:

But They Won’t Talk To Me
Pizza Man Grace
Resist the Funk

Christians Acting Ugly

The other day I was skimming some comments left on a social media outlet. Most were encouraging and kind. Some people had a different opinion but stayed civil in their expressions.

Then there was a third group. A much smaller but a very loud group.

Their opinions dripped with judgement, harshness, and condemnation. And the saddest thing of all? These were Christians attacking another Christian.

Honestly, I don’t get it.

I just don’t. As I read their comments it seemed as if they felt compelled to rip this person to shreds in order to prove their view. To show how knowledgeable they were and how off-base this other Christian is. And most disturbing of all they felt it their duty to “protect God.”

But God doesn’t call man to protect Him. He calls us to love Him. And love others. Christians acting ugly and justifying it under the guise of holding another person in check isn’t loving.

Matthew 22:36-40 says, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Yes, there is a place to make sure others aren’t misaligning Truth. But we must do this carefully and first make sure we aren’t misaligning the Truth in our approach. Our response must contain these three things: justice, mercy, and humility. “The Lord has told you, human, what is good; he has told you what he wants from you: to do what is right to other people, love being kind to others, and live humbly, obeying your God, (Micah 6:8 NCV).

“It is right to see justice prevail. But it is wrong when my ego gets in the way- when I retaliate to prove that I am strong, that I am superior to the other person, that I am the almighty righteous cop for God.” (Bible commentary writer Michael J. Wilkins)

I guess I’m feeling a little sensitive about this subject today because I’ve had some personal ministry friends attacked and accused in the most vicious of ways. And a little of this yuck has slipped into my world as well.

Maybe this third group sees my ministry growing and assumes their words won’t effect me. Or worse yet, because my ministry is growing maybe they hope their words will effect me. Either way, it hurts.

The yuck has been from people who don’t know me … have never met me … and have never asked for any kind of clarification.

I know writing a simple blog isn’t going to fix this problem. But if it makes a few people stop and think before blasting someone – then it’s good. And most of all, if it reminds me to do what is right to other people … to love being kind to others … and to live a little more humbly – it’s really good.

God help us all.

Related posts:

Criticism Hurts
Feeling Guilty?
The Best Worst Thing

But They Won’t Talk To Me

When I’m in conflict with a friend, I can be a stuffer. I don’t want the drama of dealing with issues. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t know how to address this issue.

I feel like I should just let it go.

And sometimes I really should just let things go.

Other times the best thing to do for the relationship is to have an honest conversation. Push through the uncomfortable awkwardness and talk. Relationships are valuable and worth the work.

Yes, I know this. I wrote a book about it. But it’s still not easy when I’m being a stuffer to have those needed conversations.

If you’re a stuffer, I bet you can relate.

But today I want to talk to those who are in a relationship with a stuffer and are trying to figure out how to get them to talk.

The thing us stuffers need most when trying to have a difficult conversation is safety. I need to be assured you are trying to attack the problem and not me. I need to hear you say you love me even if you feel that’s an understood given in our relationship. And I need to know you don’t blame me but are willing to own your part in this situation.

Here are some practical ways to do this when talking with a stuffer:

“I love you and care enough about our relationship to want to talk about this conflict. As I’ve thought about it, I know I could have done this and that better. Please forgive me for this. Now, help me understand things from your perspective…”

The goal is to get the stuffer to talk, so when they do-listen. Listen all the way through their statements without interrupting. It’s going to be hard not to interrupt to clarify something-or justify something but resist jumping in. Just listen.

And then when they pause, look for ways to get further clarification with more questions such as, “Where are we not seeing eye-to-eye on this?” or, “Can we find a good compromise?”

Last week on the Unglued webcast my Pastor said this quote, “A question convicts the conscience, an accusation hardens the soul.”

Wow … so true. So powerful. Such a good thing to remember when trying to get a stuffer to talk.

Let’s talk about this today. What are your thoughts? Are you a stuffer? If so, give us some more advice on what needs to happen so you’ll feel safe enough to bring your honest thoughts into conversations.

Related posts:

Pizza Man Grace
When I Want To Be Mean Too
Affair Proofing Your Marriage

Final Unglued Webcast is Live!

Hey Lysa’s Bloggy Friends,

This is Lisa B., Lysa’s Tech Dudette. Thanks so very much for your patience today as I have had some technical problems in getting the final Unglued webcast ready for replay.

Great news though! After taking a pause and much prayer, the replay is now available for you to watch! And just in case you missed the others…

The 1st Unglued webcast (August 23, 2012) is still available on KLOVE’s site. You can watch by clicking here.

The 2nd Unglued webcast (August 30, 2012) can be watched by clicking here.

You can watch the final Unglued webcast (September 6, 2012) by clicking here.

And be sure to watch Lysa’s interview with Pastor Steven Furtick and enter the giveaway by clicking here.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Lisa B.

 

Related posts:

Thanks for watching the final Unglued webcast!
The Second Unglued Webcast Replay is Live!
Unglued Webcast Replay

Thanks for watching the final Unglued webcast!

Thank you so much for attending the live webcast tonight! I hope you were blessed by what was shared.

The webcast replay from tonight will be available first thing in the morning. Check back here for more information.

But I have a little surprise while you wait for the webcast replay…. Here’s the last interview with my Pastor on his book, “Greater.”  And you’ll hear there’s more giveaways involved that I announce during this interview.  So, enjoy this video while you wait.

And leave a comment below to be entered for the giveaway.

Happy Day!  (And I totally realize it looks like I have no lips in this video, Mom.  Sorry for the little lipstick oopsie.  Smiles.)

Related posts:

The Second Unglued Webcast Replay is Live!
Thanks for watching the second Unglued webcast
‘Yes to God’ Webcast Replay on Demand