Polly Campbell's Blog, page 41

Look for gratitude in the chaos

I’m hosting Thanksgiving dinner this week.

We’ll have the usual turkey, and green bean stuff and potatoes.

And I’m already trying to figure out how to get the shopping done, the house cleaned and the details put together, while meeting my work deadlines. I don’t feel stressed about it, but, I generally do feel a little tense during the last flurry when I’m trying to get the ‘resting’ turkey on the table at the same time the mashed potatoes are hot. But right now, I’m really just feel grateful. That we are well. That I have a family who wants to come be together. I’m pretty dang thankful for pumpkin pie too. It makes the best post-holiday breakfast. Thinking on those things keeps me from getting too uptight.

This time of year, when we are consumed by all that needs to be done, we often focus more on the challenges and demands in our life, than what is well and good. This only ramps up our discomfort and frustration.

Gratitude is easy to come by when things are smooth and easy. But, it is during the troubling times or the stressful moments that rise up during the day that we must practice it too.

You can be grateful when you aren’t happy. You can give thanks when you are stressed and mad and uncertain and worried. This state, this emotion can reside there next to all those other big feelings. And, when you allow it in even when the crazy relatives are showing up with box wine, you can transform those imperfect, wild, overwhelming stressful moments into something else; something easier; something compassionate and curious and utterly survivable.

So, if the holidays threaten to leave you feeling more freaked then festive challenge yourself to stop, take a deep breath, and give thanks for something right in the middle of all that chaos. Feel the gratitude in those difficult moments and life will become a bit more manageable.

 

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How to be an effective complainer

I was interrupted four times during dinner last night. Four times. I was talking with my daughter about how to handle a difficult situation in the classroom and she interrupted to ask for an orange and mention her tights. My husband then threw out a comment about his Fantasy Football team and by then, I’d dropped my topic and went into full complaining mode. I’ll save you the rant and just give you some of the key words: Seriously people. I am talking. Nobody listens. Disrespectful. Rude.  Nobody ever…

Then, we all turned back to our shrimp pasta. I never raised my voice – no this episode had more of a whining, martyr feel to it.  I whimpered awhile. I chose to complain rather than truly describe why I was frustrated and what I was feeling.

This strategy is just so unproductive and, to use the technical term, icky. I even got sick of hearing myself and finally decided to interrupt myself to put an end to the behavior.

Caught up in complaint

When we complain – when we repeatedly express our unhappiness – we settle into the negative. We are no longer focused on solutions because we are too busy looking at what isn’t working. And, because we are not noticing our emotions or their source, we get caught in this place of rumination and upset. This is a constrictive, icky place to be. One that is sure to annoy everyone around and keep you focused on the failure rather than the possibility. There is no feel-better moment when you are in this cycle, the bad thoughts rip through like a circular saw cutting at your mood until ultimately, you just feel stuck and bummed.

In other words, me complaining about interrupting didn’t stop it from happening. It didn’t give the other people at the table anything to work with. They heard my complaint as whiny noise. But, there are some strategies we can use to effectively share our frustrations. When we do it the right way we become creators rather than complainers.

Here are a few things to try:

1. Share your frustration, one time. One thing I am very – and I mean VERY — good at,  is over talking things. I have a well-honed ability to go on. And on. And on, until people are packing their bags and moving out of the house with me trailing after them into the driveway. This keeps me stuck in the ick and causes other people to get so annoyed that they stop listening. I don’t recommend this strategy. Share your concern once. Let it go.

2. Explain what you don’t like and say what you need. Sure, it’s o.k. to let people know when you’re uncomfortable or offended. But also let them know what you need to move through it, then take responsibility for getting there. When you ruminate about the bad stuff your family and friends feel trapped because they don’t know how to help.

I’ve seen this happen in my own experience as a person living with rheumatoid arthritis. If I complain about my pain and also have a clear way through it, it’s a more positive experience. For example I might say “My ankle is really hurting and I know I would feel better if I just sat down and took a rest.”

I feel better because I’m sharing my feelings and my husband feels better because he has a clear way to help — take over so I can rest — if he so decides.

Instead of getting stuck in the complaint, we immediately began moving toward a solution.

Do this for yourself. When you catch yourself complaining, notice what you’re complaining about, then also determine what you need to feel better and go after it.

3. Take 10 and grouse. Sometimes you’re in a funk and you need to fuss and whine about all your trouble. This is when I call a girlfriend or write in my journal, or take a time-out and complain. Give yourself a set amount of time – say 10 minutes, certainly no more than 20 – to wallow, whine and fuss over your frustration. Make an agreement with yourself that when your time to complain is up, you’ll pause for two minutes to do a quick gratitude exercise. This way you don’t stay stuck in the negative energy.

Discontent can be a part of life, but getting trapped by your own complaint cycle is limiting and completely unnecessary. Choose to do it differently and you’ll see fairly quickly that you’ve become a creator rather than a complainer. In Wednesday’s post, I’ll show you the difference.

 

Be a creator, not a complainer

 I dropped a box of sweet and sour pork on the floor today. My white refrigerator became a piece of abstract art, red sauce dripping down its door. Course it matched the saucing running down the cabinets and the puddle on the floor. Sweet and sour everywhere isn’t all that sweet.

I wanted to throw a fit. But a fit – standing the in the puddle of sauce – wasn’t going to get it cleaned up. So I immediately grabbed a wad of paper towels and plotted how best to get the goo gone. I’m not saying I didn’t mutter a slew of cuss words as I was working, sometimes a well-placed ?%&* can feel good, but I kept working just the same trying to get that mess cleaned up rather than staying stuck,  in well, the sauce.

I became a creator rather than a complainer.

The spilled-sauce scenario can be a metaphor for all the sticky situations in life. Live enough days on this planet and you’re going to face some big stuff and plenty of little annoyances. There are bound to be whole days where things don’t seem to go your way.

What are you going to do with that? Stay in the ick, the messy moments, and complain about them? Or, are you going to notice the trouble — maybe even fuss for a moment if it makes you feel better – and then create a solution to clean it up and move into a better feeling state?

Totally up to you.

I work to be on the creator side of things. I don’t want to be in the hard spot any longer than I have to be. And, not only do I want to come out of the mess I want to come barreling out of it – thriving, loaded with inspiration and attitude and energy.

I want to discover the gift of the difficulty, clean it up, and use it to create a better experience in the next moment and the next.

You too can become a creator in your life. It’s merely a choice. And, if you decide to go that route, here are some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind.

Creators Do:

Seek meaning in every experience.
Act with self-compassion. They don’t beat themselves up when they make a mistake or fall into a funk. They notice it, appreciate their humanness and then take the next appropriate action.
Act accountably for their choices and all that comes into their lives.
Willingly experience all of life – the smooth and bumpy – knowing that the power is in the process rather than any final outcome.
Acknowledge their frustrations or disappointments, the things that aren’t working as well as they would like, then they work like a dog to create positive changes.
Feel good. They recognize that life is dynamic and fluid. They roll with uncertainty because they know that any change means growth and expansion and positive things.

Creators Do Not:

Blame others for their unhappiness.
Focus on what isn’t working, they focus on what is working.
Make excuses.

Think about how these things work in your life. If you decide to be more of a creator than complainer, all you have to do is begin by adding a couple of these things into your life, or eliminating a point or two from the Do Not category and you’ll automatically shift your experience and uplift the planet for the rest of us.

 

Write to connect to spirit and self

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Every week when I sit down to write my blog posts, I get to thinking. About myself or an experience I’ve had. About a lesson I’ve learned or a truth I’m trying to understand. About an aspect of myself or a relationship I want to strengthen or improve. And in order to understand all this, in order to know myself better and experience this life, I write about it.

Monday, in this space, we talked about contemplative practice. About reflecting on the big questions to gain understanding; to grow and expand and move closer to spirit. Writing is a way of doing that too, because in order to write anything, you’ve got to have a deeper sense about it. In order to make it play out on the page, you’ve got to reflect on it yourself.

Perhaps that’s one reason why I’ve enjoyed writing this blog and my new book Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People so much. The process of putting thoughts on the page allows me to explore my own uncertainties and ideas. It challenges me to learn about what I don’t  yet know. That, is interesting and makes for an interesting life.

In Kate Hopper’s fantastic writing book Use Your Words: A Writing Guide For Mothers she writes: “Writing is an act of discovery. Taking the time to sit down with pen and paper (or a laptop) can give you the space you need to discover what you think about the transformation inherent in motherhood. The more you write, the more you will understand what you know.”

I love that. I believe that. And time and time again, in my life, writing has been a path back to myself.

With writing you can contemplate the big ideas, see the truths, drop the resistance and reach acceptance. Through writing you can even glean your passions and purpose.

Ready to start a writing practice to help you move closer to yourself and your spirit?

Here are three things that I suggest:

1. Write something. Seriously. This is a no-brainer here. You’ve got to start putting words on the page, every day. Set a time, and write for five or 10 minutes. Keep your hand moving. Be open to any ideas that show up. Write with abandon and without judgment.

2. Don’t worry about edits. You don’t have to show anyone. This kind of writing is an act of exploration. Let it be messy and fluid and organic. No editing allowed.

3. Start with an idea. Prompt yourself with a question: “What do I need to know to make today successful?” “What do I like about myself?” “Who am I?” And let go on the page. You can also tie this in with your gratitude practice. After you are done listing the things you appreciate in your life, pick one and elaborate on it through your writing.

Finally, remember, that you are always a creator. It’s innate. Unavoidable. We are creative in how we parent and cook and partner. And how we express ourselves. When you write – when you consciously create anything at all – you are allowing your soul to speak. That, is worth doing. Now and always. So pull out your paper. Get writing.

 

 

If you do entertain thoughts of writing and publishing and you want to tell the stories of your life, Kate Hopper’s guide is a fabulous way to learn just how to do it. Use Your Words: A Writing Guide For Mothers, (Viva Editions) is filled with specific details, examples and anecdotes that make the book itself interesting and compelling. It is also loaded with writing prompts and exercises to get you started and keep you going. And, of course you’ll find specific lessons  on the writing craft including structure, and voice and story-telling. If you want to write better, if you want to publish your material – buy this book.

 

 

Read to inspire a practice of contemplation

I’ve heard it said that reading is a meditation. I get that. I use it for mine too. And though I also sit in silence and watch my thoughts in the traditional fashion, reading leaves me feeling expansive, connected inspired. The sensations I experience while reading a good book create a kind of creative momentum and insight.

A good way to use reading as meditation is to develop a contemplative practice around it. You probably aren’t going to do this with, say a slasher murder mystery, though I for one love a good suspense novel.

No, contemplation is best done with a book that prompts inquiry. One that goes beyond entertainment to offer ideas that expand your mindset or inspire you to question what you know. This can happen through a piece of literature and certainly non-fiction pieces. Years ago I read a fiction book that implied that everything we do — even the smallest moments — on this planet have meaning whether we know what it is. That book still causes me to think and question. I’ve read many a book that has caused me to contemplate the nature of the universe and faith and my own purpose and role within all that. I like it when a book leaves me thinking and that’s how the practice becomes meditative.

But contemplation is significantly different than mindful meditation. With mindful meditation you sit quietly and notice your thoughts and the sensations in your body as they come and go without judgment. You don’t attach to them, or question them, you simply notice them and allow them to pass through.

Contemplation is about the question

Contemplation is about the question. You start by sitting quietly, then pose a question: How does God work in my life? What is my purpose? What do I need to understand to live well today? Or some other idea you’re curious about. Then, you begin investigating the answers. Sometimes, there is an intuitive knowing that comes by way of an answer or a sense that offers resolution, but for me there is rarely any clear-cut insight or solution. That’s fine in contemplation, since it is about learning and growth rather than outcomes.

Yet, through quiet reflection on both the questions and insights, you can hear your inner self speak and that moves you closer to spirit.

Ready to give it a try? Here are some ways to get started:

Get comfortable and quiet. Turn off the noise of life settle in, sit still.
Take three deep breaths and notice the air moving through.
Observe your thoughts without judgment.
Choose a question or belief to reflect on: What am I? What is my purpose? What do I need to know? Why am I holding on to this pain? Or, any other big-life question can be useful in contemplation.
Become aware of the thoughts that arise. Other questions may come up too, but stay focused on your original one until your next session.
Scrutinize any insights. As insights are revealed, gently question them. Are they true? Is it relevant? Is it helpful?

Now, try your own contemplative practice. Next time a good book inspires your or surprises you; next time it challenges you to question what you know or examine your beliefs, pull a question from that experience and contemplate how it applies to your own life. You may learn some intriguing and important personal truths, even if you’re reading a work of fiction.

What to do after the dream comes true

When I wake up tomorrow morning and wander through the still-quiet (please, please still be quiet) house,  in the plaid red flannel pajamas, with the tiny claw holes on the shoulder where the cat likes to drape – everything will look the same, but it will all be different.

Later, I will gently wake up my daughter and hug around her soft, tennis-ball sized shoulders as long as she’ll have it. I’ll pour the cereal and remind her no fewer than six times to get her freakin shoes on – just like I do every day. Yes, tomorrow morning will look all the same. But it won’t be.

Because tomorrow the goal that I have held since grade school, will be a completed. Tomorrow, my book Imperfect Spirituality will be released to the world, and I will have accomplished  one of my life dreams.

I have grown accustomed to this idea of writing a book. I have lived with the notion of it for probably 35 years. I didn’t know when or exactly how it would happen. I only believed that it would. And I worked hard learning along the way what I’d need to know to do it; what I’d need to know when the time came. I held onto the goal always even when I let other plans go and life shifted and changed. But, tomorrow, for the first time I’ll wake up without it. This goal is done. And the idea of it has transformed into something tangible. Mission Accomplished.

Now what?  What do we do when the Big Thing gets crossed off? How do we handle the idea left behind when we decide to give it up and pursue something that now seems more meaningful?

For many people, no longer having a goal to push toward feels unsettling. Who are we without a target in site? It’s not uncommon for people to fall into a depression  or despair when they’ve finished off the big thing they’ve pursued for ages. I have met others who were disappointed even once they’d accomplished their goal, because the result didn’t live up to their imagined outcome.

I don’t think I’ll feel any of that. Though, of course, I’ll keep you posted. I’ve got other things to try, now. More fish to fry. Other things I want to learn about and explore and I’m thinking about the next book too. I’ll be traveling a bit too to talk about this idea of practical spirituality.

So, while I’ve accomplished this one thing, there are a few others I’d like to try.

Finding what’s next

Knowing that makes me feel better. It’s essential that we have a next move particularly when we are in a place of completion or transition in life. Knowing how to accept the outcome we’ve been given and move on into the next moment gracefully will determine how we feel about our experience and how we use our energy.

Life can become narrow when we cross something off our life list. Or, it can be expansive and growth-oriented even when something ends. That’s what I’m going for.

If you are on the verge of completing a major life goal – you’ve raised the kid to adulthood, you’ve sold your business, run the marathon, launched the product, made the money, set up the non-profit, healed yourself and your body – if you have decided to shift from one idea that has guided your life, to another that seems more satisfying right now, knowing how to release one thing to go after another will determine how much fun you have going forward.

The transition can be a smooth one.

Here are 3 some ways to do it:

Treasure what you know now. Whether or not you’ve accomplished the thing you set out to do the time spent working toward it has yielded insights and information. That wisdom will travel with you anywhere. The process is not wasted even if the outcome isn’t what you expected. Spend time appreciating what you know now rather than lamenting what you’re leaving. Then, use that knowledge to prepare for the next quest.

Celebrate the end and the beginning. No matter what it is you are leaving behind, acknowledge the move. Be mindful of what you’ve done, and the experience along the way. Don’t judge the process. Give thanks for the experience, the people you’ve met, the things you’ve learned. Celebrate what you’ve done. Even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted, or you are moving on without having achieved the goal, acknowledge that releasing it makes space for something bigger and grander to move in. It will. It’s the nature of the universe, we are expansive and fluid and when we shift our energy from one direction to another we gain momentum. Celebrate the end and get psyched up for the beginning of the next thing.

Make the next move. Then, find that next thing. I’ve already got another book in the works, been thinking about it for months. At the same time, I’m throwing all my energy behind the book tour for this one. I didn’t want to end up here in this pace with nothing to do. I like to have something to create and think about and focus on. As you wind up your pursuit of one thing, begin mulling over another. Once the kid is in college, for example, start planning the empty-nest cruise. Maybe it’s time to pick up your art supplies again, or volunteer at a school, or find something else that moves you. Once the business is up and running, start thinking about the next innovative product or system to boost its success. The point is, to put your energy toward the next thing that feels interesting and exciting and you will move into a place of possibility.

In this way any ending can always be a new beginning.

 

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Take Inspired Action and Get Excited

I write a lot about moving forward and taking inspired action toward the things that matter most. These are the things that you’re passionate about, the things that fuel and inspire you and in the process inspire the rest of us.

So often we get caught up in the real life dilemmas: what to cook for dinner, who’s picking up the kid from Pre-K, what the Kardashian’s are doing (ugh) that we forget to move toward those things that we’re passionate about. Here are three easy steps that you can take each week to make sure you’re  making the most of each moment and consciously taking inspired action:

1. Know what you want. Do you want to write a book or do you really just want to share your thoughts and feelings. Knowing the answer to that is the difference between years of study, marketing, practice, and writing OR journaling each evening at the end of the day. Both are valuable and important, both accomplish larger purposes, but they are different things entirely. All I’m saying here, is to get conscious and clear about what you want to do so you are headed in the right direction and not spending time on something that proves unfulfilling because it was the wrong thing from the start.

2. Be open to all outcomes. We are usually really good at setting the end goal. I want to lose 40 pounds, I want to get married, I want to make big bucks, that we forget the process is the most important and fun thing in the first place. If you are fixed on ONE outcome a couple of things happen: you lose site of the fun and knowledge you can gain along the way and you LIMIT yourself. What if the process takes you toward a bigger outcome that you ever imagined or anticipated. What if you only lose 30 pounds but you drop your cholesterol by 50 points, increase your lean muscles mass and lower your risk of diabetes and high blood pressure – that would, for most people, be a great outcome. Get on the path and be open to where it leads, it could be toward something bigger.

3. Pick a pie-in-the-sky target. Always have something out there that seems crazy or impossible, but incredibly exciting and engaging. Do something you think you can’t. At least give it a go. I always pitch an article idea to one of the biggie mags. They are usually hard to get into, but I feel good shooting high with the possibility that it might (and it has) happen. Pick one big thing in line with your greater passion or purpose and put it out there. Apply for that dream job –even if you aren’t qualified. Start that little grass-roots org to help feed the hungry in your neighborhood, one household at a time. Reach out to someone who inspires you, even if you’ve never met them. Motivate yourself by training for a triathlon or other seemingly-impossible physical challenge. You might not make the race, get the job or solve world hunger, but then again, you just might. Putting it out there makes it possible and a whole lot of fun to think about.

What’s your pie-in-the-sky action for the week? What excites you? What inspired step will you take today?

Say something positive — about yourself

On Monday I wrote about a report in  Glamour Magazine that says that 97-percent of all women have a negative thought about their physical body – EVERY DAY. I’m thinking that is not at all helpful. And while there are plenty of things to blame and complain about that influence how women feel about themselves, the responsibility sits smack dab on us.

No one can sweep out your self esteem unless you allow it. And often we do, using our inner voices to chime in with the negative external messages which always come back to one thing: you are not enough.

Now that is not true, but it’s useful – for advertisers and retailers. Because when you think your hair is a disaster you’ll be more apt to buy one of those Bumpit thingies from the infomercial.

Still, you could just stop all the mental mess and garbage and cut the mental chatter that holds you back. Here are a few ways to do it:

Notice what you’re saying about yourself and when. Gossip is never good, (and rarely true). When it’s coming from your own head — it needs to stop.  Become aware of that snarky self talk. Notice when it kicks in. What’s going on, are you stressed out, angry, sad? Are you at work, or at home? What prompts it?.


Get to the root of the bad feelings. Now, look at what’s behind the self talk. If you’re feeling bad about yourself at work could it be that you have some unconscious belief that you’re incapable on the job? If you feel fat among friends, do you secretly think yourself to not deserving of love and friendship? Sounds crazy, but it’s the beliefs we have internalized on a deep level, that keep us stuck. This is where those catty inner voices come from. Now that you know, you can change them.


Do something that makes you feel good. Now that you’ve gained some clarity as to where the inner voices are coming from,  confront them by doing something positive. Look in the mirror and find one thing you like about yourself and give thanks to it out loud. Instead of letting the voices tell you how incapable you are at work, choose to believe that you are capable of learning what you need to know and then sign up for a class that will boost your skills or a sit-down with the boss to learn what it will take to land that promotion. Feeling bad about your body, pick a new belief like: I make healthy choices. Then adapt behavior to support it – maybe like a new exercise routine or eating more vegetables.

Because many of the beliefs we operate from have burrowed into our subconscious, clearing work through visualization, meditation, EFT, and NLP or other programs and processes can also be helpful to release the limiting thoughts for more positive ones.

Positive beliefs, fuel positive actions and that will shut that snarky self-talk right up.

Photo by: Stock.xchng

This post originally appeared in March 2011

Use words that uplift, expand your experience

The other day I was looking for a word to describe my daughter’s effort while cleaning up the Barbie stuff. I went with supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

The word was a little over the top, I’ll admit, though she was enthusiastic while cleaning up microscopic forks and stethoscopes. Mostly, I wanted to compliment her behavior in the slim hope that it would happen again. Soon. Here. In my house.

So I picked the longest, most playful word I knew, to capture her attention, get her excited, make her feel good.

“That behavior is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” I hollered down the hallway. It made her laugh and the word made its mark.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, according to Phil Cousineau, author of The Painted Word, (Viva Editions) which is an interesting book about remarkable words and their origins, is used to mean “extraordinary” or “amazing.” When broken down into it’s components the word actually means “atoning for a physical mistake that a well-educated person can make by over relying on their physical beauty,” Cousineau writes. That too is a mouthful, so I’m sticking with the definition of amazing.

But, all this thought about fancy words and how we sling them around got me thinking about how often we use them to limit, hurt, punish ourselves and others, when we can use them just as easily to empower and uplift and heal.

The words we use carry weight. They influence our attitudes and behaviors. Change our moods. Inspire us. And what we say to ourselves is equally as important.

Positive self-talk is one way to practice optimism (yes, optimism can be learned and strengthened). Using the right words can set you sailing toward a more optimistic mindset and that can help you manage stress, lower the risk of heart disease, and even live longer.

What we say, influences how we and others think and feel. That impacts behavior. Imagine what we could do if we used a vocabulary rooted in kindness rather than criticism. If we were playful with our language rather than prohibitive.

You can start doing that today by watching how you talk to yourself. Notice the words you use and how they make you feel. In Wednesday’s post, I’ll offer some tips about how to work with them.

How to release expectations and accomplish more

We can become so caught up in our expectations – the plan we set for our life – that we miss living this life altogether.

When we expect things to go a particular way, we are fast forwarding from beginning to end without experiencing the good stuff, yes and the tough stuff, in between.

This is so not good. Not only will your expectations come up short and leave you feeling disappointed, but the process will be void of meaning – and that’s the stuff that really colors in the lines of our lives.

Meaning comes with experience

Meaning is in the experience, not the outcome. Things become special and meaningful when we participate and notice and experience challenges and possibility along the way. To have everything hanging on the end result – on a single expectation — means you strip the experience of meaning altogether.

Imagine running a marathon (I know it’s nearly impossible for me to think about too). Say that, you sprint out to the front right away, keep at a 5 minute pace for the entire 26 miles and no other competitor even comes close to you, you win easily without pain or stress. Good for you. You did exactly what you expected to do now you’re on to the next thing.

But in real life, you trained a bunch to run that race. You learned different ways of nourishing and strengthening your body. You fought through cramps and pain to finish the race in four hours and by golly, you did it. Now, you know you can do anything. In this case, the meaning is not at the finish line that you expected to cross, it’s in the steps and struggle you took to get there.

Course there are things we desire. Goals we work for and marks we want to meet in our lives, primarily because we want to connect to something bigger, or have a peak experience. That’s all good. Desiring something, working toward something, isn’t a bad thing at all. But, attaching to only one, single, outcome – allowing for only one result to make you feel successful – will limit that experience. Instead, let loose a little. Invest in the process and open to any result. You’ll be surprised and inspired by all that shows up.

Here are some ways to do it:

Give up outcomes. Invest in the process. Be mindful of what you’re doing and enjoy the experience along the way. In my case, that meant throwing myself into the process of writing a book without concern over whether it would become a bestseller.

Set a soft mark. Know what you’d like to experience, but be open to a variety of outcomes. It’s great to set goals. If you want to run a marathon, it’s fine to want to finish. But don’t be so stringent in your goal that you limit other possibilities. So, for example, you may decide you want to learn how to converse in Spanish. You might learn the language quickly, in a month. Or it could take years. But, either way, when you can find your way to the bathroom by using the new language you learned, you’ll be a success in more ways than one. If you set some arbitrary, constraint like “I must learn Spanish in 21 days” you may feel less than satisfied and prone to fussiness and bad behavior, if it actually takes two months.

Invest in the process. The power is in the process – and that is the part that is linked to you. I decided how to write the book. It’s up to you how you train for the marathon or prepare for the exam, or start the new business so create an interesting, growth-oriented experience and enjoy it. Then you feel excited and successful all along the way, even before the objective is completed.

The true success of a marriage, for example, doesn’t come down to how great your wedding was, or whether you reached your Golden Anniversary, but in how you spent all those years together. Be engaged in your life. Open to the experiences along the way. That way you’ll have benefited big time while pursuing your goals no matter what the outcome is.

Accept all of it. Not everything is going to go the way you’d like. So what. You don’t have to judge it, or get fired up about it. You can just acknowledge the way things turned out and move on. Don’t get caught up in what might have been. Think of this like opening a gift. You’ll be happy with whatever is inside, because you are just so dang pleased that someone gave you a gift to begin with.

Mind your own business. Pay attention to your behavior instead of expecting others to behave a certain way. Do what makes you feel right in the world. Don’t do something expecting others to act a particular way. Don’t send a gift expecting a thank you card – right? Unless, of course you want to amp up your stress and feel freaked out all the time. Then, by all means, set arbitrary expectations for others and watch to see if they are met.

When we loosen up a bit on our Big Life Plan, we make room for it to expand and move and bring even greater things in. Do this and I promise you, you’ll get more than you ever expected.

 

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