Polly Campbell's Blog, page 44

Leading by example and the impact

We are all powerful and just by being all of who we are we can change the lives of others — often without our even knowing it. Leadership Development coordinator at the University of Toronto, Scarborough, Drew Dudley shares this story about his “Lollipop Moment.” Makes you think.

Use your leadership abilities to leave positive impact at home and work

Leadership is a title we bestow on those at Fortune 500 companies or team coaches. We rarely give the stay-at-home mom credit as an effective leader. Seldom do we turn to the quiet guy in the office, the one who consistently works hard producing a good result, as an example of leadership. But, both of those people are leaders. You are too.

Leadership isn’t something out there. We can all develop leadership qualities and we can all make a positive impact in the world because every time we come into contact with someone else, we have an opportunity to lead.

You express it in how you deal with setbacks, cope with disappointment, handle success. Your leadership qualities emerge when you think creatively or inspire your kids to get up and try again even though they just toppled off the bike or can’t hit the guitar chord. You are a leader in your own life and how you embrace those qualities determines the impact you’ll have on the lives of others.

You don’t have to lead the company, run for president, or become the classroom party mom to be a leader. You simply have to be willing and brave enough to express who you are when you connect with people in your life.

Qualities of Leadership

Below are some of the qualities we attribute to leaders. Look at the ways you already demonstrate those qualities in your own life, and then consciously choose to develop them further and become a difference maker in your community.

Be dedicated. Work hard. Commit to what you care about and then give it your best. You lead by example and when you’re shoulder to shoulder working you build a sense of teamwork with the others in your life. When you talk about eating healthy and then cook healthy meals for your family, you are leading. If you don’t care enough about something to dedicate yourself to it – then that’s good to know. That means, it’s time to step away from that particular issue.

Delegate, ask for help. Don’t do it all. Who cares if you could, you shouldn’t. There are going to be people that can do certain things better than you. Let them do it. Give them credit, appreciate their effort. This shows up even around the house. Sweet P takes pride in setting the table AND it’s a huge help to me. My husband is (dare I say it) much better and pulling the weeds, mowing the lawn and fixing clogged pipes and taking on the household tasks. I used to cling to some of those jobs because I wanted to appear strong and self-reliant. That was just foolish. He can do the work faster and better than I could, so now that’s his thing.

Operate with integrity. Whether it’s in business or the neighborhood association, in your family roles or among friends, operate with integrity. Do what you say you’re going to do. Admit when you make a mistake. Be fair. Be accountable and honest and respectful. This becomes easier when you know your values and what you stand for so that you can stay close to them. Knowing what matters to you means you’ll give more time to those things rather than the less important stuff. This can help you to keep from over committing and under-delivering.  Honesty and integrity in everything, things big and little, are essential if you’re going to be a leader to your child or your co-workers.

Have a vision for yourself and the organization. I have a vision for my family and I’ve shared that with them. My daughter and husband have also shared their vision with me so that together we could create a unified mission and unit. We want to be a group that is kind and committed to each other. One that helps others has a lot of fun and learns and grows together. I also know what I want my career to look like.

I’m passionate about these visions. I get excited when I talk about these things and that inspires others. You must have a vision for yourself and your organization. You’ve got to know what you’re after so you know when you get there or can sense when you’re veering off track and redirect.

Then articulate your vision. Share it with others, be open to their ideas and flexible in your approach should the people in your life have a different, unique, or innovative perspective. Leaders that can articulate their vision and work with others to achieve it tend to inspire people. That makes good things happen.

Have fun. The best leaders I know are the people that not only have fun while they are working, but they also can poke fun at themselves. In my sister’s company they work like dogs to deliver amazing advertising campaigns to clients, but they also ride scooters down the cement hallways to office meetings and they have a happy hour at the end of the week. They have fun and it makes the work better too.

In my household, when we’ve got chores to do, we turn on what we call “Workin’ Music” and we get down while unloading the dishwasher or cleaning the toilets. We have fun. You can lighten up, laugh, and play and still be an effective leader. In fact play, is a key to creativity. Innovative ideas often come when it seems like you are just playing around.

Think about these qualities the next time you communicate with the checker, volunteer at your kid’s school, or meet with clients or company employees. Think about these points the next time your child balks at doing the chores or the PTA committee plans a school carnival for you to organize.

Each of our interactions – big and small – leave an impact. If you choose to express your leadership qualities in subtle or obvious ways you will make a positive difference.

Tune in Wednesday for a video from Drew Dudley who talks about just how powerful those interactions can be.

 

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How to work with the power of suggestion

We are suggestible creatures. What we hear influences our behavior.

You know how this works: someone suggests that you’re smart, and you tend to do better on tests. While someone else can imply that you look like you’re gaining weight and all of a sudden you catch yourself craving junk food that you have desired in years.

Scientists have shown that suggestions both obvious and subtle influence our behavior, choices and outcomes. Advertisers count on it. The power of suggestion impacts how quickly we heal, how successful we are, how and what we buy and how we feel about our lives.

These little worms of thought are powerful – so it’s time that we learn how to use them for our greatest benefit.

Here are four ways to harness the power of suggestion.

1. Become conscious. This is good advice for just about anything. But as is with so many things, awareness is required to help us identify the suggestions that are coming our way in the first place. If you are not aware of the messages you’re sending or receiving from others it’s tough to counteract what you hear or to make conscious choices to adopt more positive scenarios. Tune into what’s going on around you. Get curious about it and the suggestions that are influencing you will be easier to spot. Also, notice what you hear or see the next time you decide to do something. Notice the response and  pay attention to those suggestions that are most helpful.

When I quit my job to become a full-time writer, many people suggested that it wasn’t a good idea. I heard them, but I chose not to believe them. Instead, I focused on planning and preparation and paid attention to those internal and external indicators that reminded me that plenty of people succeed as writers. You can suggest your own success or sabotage it. Become conscious to which you are choosing.

2. Find the believing eyes. Intuitive and teacher Sonia Choquette talks of “believing eyes.”  These are the people that believe in you and your dream no matter what it is.

This is big-time important when it comes to the power of suggestion.  Whenever possible, surround yourself with encouraging and supportive people. Psychologists have shown that we are influenced by both deliberate and non-deliberate suggestions. How people talk to us, their gestures and tone and implications matter just like their words. Positive influence begets positive suggestions.

Observing people or doing things that make them feel important or special is also a form of suggestion and can cause people to work harder or longer on any task. Think about whom you spend time with, and make sure that they are bringing good energy – that alone will create positive outcomes in your life. Think too, about how your behavior is suggestive. When you are parenting or otherwise relating to others, you are also making deliberate or non-deliberate suggestions that can build-up and inspire people.

 3. Maintain a flexible mindset. When we are locked into expectation, we are limited by only one perspective. Instead, remain open to any outcome and when suggestions or influences come into your life choose only those that are helpful. We are bombarded with plenty of negativity – and in some cases they are an aspect of the real-world experience. But, so are the positive angles to any situation. There are always multiple views – all of which can be true. So be open, flexible, able to look at all sides of the situation and then choose those that are most helpful to focus on.

4. Understand that the power of suggestion is always working. Another way to tap into this potential is just simply to remember that the power of suggestion is always working. If you expect something to happen – if someone or something suggests to you a specific outcome – your expectations of that outcome play a major role in its occurrence. The expectation or suggestion of something changes your behavior (often unconsciously) and your responses to help bring into reality the outcome you are expecting.

Knowing this then, don’t expect anything less than the best and know that you are capable of handling all the goodness that shows up.

How suggestions can sabotage or lead to success

Ever had someone tell you that the procedure would “really hurt” or that the test was “really hard” or that the boss was “impossible to deal with” and then had those scenarios play out just as predicted?

Turns out those early suggestions actually shaped the reality.

In a journal article in Current Directions in Psychological Science, psychological scientists Maryanne Garry, Robert Michael and Irving Kirsch studied the power of suggestion and discovered that deliberate suggestion can influence how well people remember things, how they respond to medical treatments, and even how they’ll behave.

The reason, they say, is attributable to something the Bigwigs call “Response Expectancies.” This means that the way we anticipate our response to a situation influences how we will actually respond. In other words, once you expect something to happen, your behaviors, thoughts, and reactions will actually contribute to making that expectation occur.

If you think you’ll ace the interview and expect it to go well, you’re more likely to do a good job.


If you think you’ll win the race, you’re more likely to train and prepare and perform in a way that gives you a greater chance of winning the race.

Using suggestion in this way can be a powerful tool in accomplishing our goals. But, many of us get caught up on the other side thinking only of our limitations. The power of suggestion works just as well then – to actually sabotage our success.

Suggestion and Self-sabotage

If you think you won’t be a good parent, your behavior will rise up and show you that you’re right.


Think you’ll struggle with the test then, you’re more likely to suffer through the exam and come up with a lesser grade than if you expected to do well.


Has it been suggested that your no one in your family knows how to have a healthy marriage? Then, you may unconsciously do things to sabotage your own relationship.


Expect to get that cold – because everyone is getting it – you’re bound to be ill.

In fact, the influence of suggestion and our expectation is so far-reaching that scientists are now looking at how the power of suggestion and expectancy influence medical treatment, criminal investigations, policy decisions and educational processes.

“If real treatment and suggestion lead to a similar outcome, what differentiates between the two?” says Maryanne Garry, one of the authors of the journal article. “If we can harness the power of suggestion, we can improve people’s lives.”

On Wednesday, I’ll write about how we can use the power of suggestion to create and enhance our positive beliefs and power-up our every-day lives.

 

Photo by: Stock.xchng

How to be a successful mentor

If you’re lucky, you may have a moment in this life when you get a chance to mentor someone else. Often, sharing what you know will be just as illuminating for you as it is the person you’ve been called on to mentor.

We learn differently when we teach others. We have to know what we know in a deep way to share it with others. When you realize how much you have to share then, it’s a confident boost. That alone makes mentoring worthwhile, but nurturing the dreams of another is the real payoff. Here are a few guidelines that will help you create a successful partnership for both of you.

Talk openly about what you can offer and develop a structure. My relationship with my mentor Sally-Jo was loose. I sent e-mails when I needed help and she would respond within a couple of days or send me a note letting me know when she would get back to me. This worked for us. But you may decide you want a weekly meeting or a monthly interaction. Don’t over-promise. Create a structure that works for both of you, talk about it, be flexible and remember, you are not to do the work for your mentoree, only to guide them. This can mean a lot of hurry up when a project is in the works and lots of wait time in between. Knowing what’s expected from both of you makes it easy to establish the pace of work together. Also, if you expected to be paid for your services, make that known and decide on a fee. My mentors have always coached me at no charge, and I’ve done the same for others, but if you expect something different make it clear from the get-go.

Do what you say you will. If someone is committed and eager enough to want a mentor, make sure that you keep the momentum going by supporting his efforts. After you develop the structure for the relationship, make sure you stick to it. This doesn’t have to be an everyday, or even an every week kind of deal. But, if you said you’ll call, call. If you committed to a weekly lunch, keep it. If you said you’d make a call, once a month. Keep the date.

Let your mentee drive the relationship. Find out what the person your mentoring wants to know and what would help them the most and deliver that first. Provide information, but also practical application so that the person you are mentoring learns how to integrate the lesson into real life.

Offer information, then let it go. You have great knowledge and wisdom, otherwise you wouldn’t be called on to mentor, but your job now, isn’t to impose your will. You can offer perspective, but ultimately the person you’re guiding determines how to use it. Give what you can, then turn her loose to use your wisdom however she decides.

Stay relevant. As I worked with Sally-Jo the publishing industry changed dramatically. On-line publications and queries became the thing, as did letters of introduction and even phone calls. The style which she was most familiar with, disappeared. So, she got on e-mail and learned the new ways of the evolving industry. One thing about Sally-Jo is that she is always creating, and learning, and growing. She is willing to try new things so she continues to be a a vast resource of relevant knowledge for me. The world is rapidly changing, keep up with it, stay attuned to the changes and you’ll be an important resource for the person you’re coaching.

Enjoy the relationship. It can be extremely satisfying to watch a person you’ve coached excel. Enjoy their success and the time you spend working together. A mentor/mentee relationship can be illuminating for both of you and contains many inherent gifts, look for them and appreciate them.

How to work with a mentor — and why you should

About 12 years ago I reconnected with a professor who’d made an impact on me while in college. She was a real writer. One who actually wrote magazine articles and made money doing so. She was what I wanted to become.

One of the best moments of my college experience was when she invited our small magazine writing class out to her home to see her office and her desk – a wooden door propped on a couple of filing cabinets. Seeing her office made the job that I’d always dreamed of doing seem, well, doable.

Fast forward about ten years and I was indeed doing the job, but with mixed success. I wasn’t selling as many magazine pieces as I wanted and was trying to figure out why. The experience made me think of Mrs. Bowman and on a whim, I sent her a note just to say that I’d appreciated all that I learned from her.

That note changed both of our lives. She was she grateful to know that her work made a difference in my life and then she gave me a gift. She offered to coach me. She became a mentor and a friend. The relationship made all the difference.

The truly successful people in this world – both at home as leaders of their families and at work – have watched and learned and listened to others. They’ve found people to nurture their spark, show them the way, and set them free to make their own mistakes.

Sally-Jo did that for me. We labored over query letters, sometimes so bad that I was embarrassed to show her. But, she never judged. She just guided me and showed me a different way. She called quickly when I was in despair and let it ride when I was confused and finding my own method. The impact she’s had on my career and in my life is immeasurable.

I’ve had other mentors too, people who kept my dream alive by living their own. People who took time to answer my questions, offer free and honest advice, support me when I wasn’t sure if I was on track. I am better because people took time and gave me space to help me learn my way.

While our coaching relationship has shifted and changed over the years, Sally-Jo’s knowledge, wisdom and support is still integral to my career.  One reason I think it has worked so well is because we set out some loose guidelines that framed how we worked together. Here are four that might also help you.

Guidelines for working with a mentor

1. Don’t force the relationship, but be clear about what you want.  To some degree, a successful mentor relationship is built when two people like each other. One has important, advanced information and insight, the other is willing to listen and work like a dog to use that insight. When you find someone you happen to like and respect in your area of interest, who also happens to have the knowledge you need, foster that relationship. Ask them formally if they’d be willing to mentor or coach you. Then, discuss  what that would look like as far as hours and information and how the two of you would work together. If both of you are in agreement, then allow the relationship to develop organically from there.

2. Don’t waste her time. Once you have someone willing to mentor you, don’t waste her time. Do what you say you are going to do. Work to apply her knowledge, to try out the tips she offers. Be accountable and open about your failures so your mentor can help you navigate through them and learn about why you failed in the first place. Trust them more than you argue with them. With the right mentor you have a built-in fan club. Don’t blow it by playing small. Work hard, try new things, operate on faith and commit to the process so you can take all her knowledge and wisdom and make it your own.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask the big dumb question. Come on now, we all know that there are stupid questions like asking how much something costs in the dollar store. Yes, I’ve done that. In fact, I’ve asked most of the big, dumb questions. Yet, many of those dumb questions actually resulted in big, surprising, helpful answers. Always ask what you need to know, whether it sounds stupid or not, but then give yourself plenty of time to integrate the knowledge into practice.

4. Be grateful. It’s a sweet thing in life to have somebody on your side, cheering for you along the road to your biggest dream. It’s an amazing gift to have someone simply dedicating what little time they have to make you better. Even if you disagree with what you learn or hear from your mentor, be grateful for the time and energy and information they offer up. Respect them and the relationship you are building together. Nobody has to help you. It’s only because they believe in you that they would be willing to try. Show gratitude. Be appreciative. Accept the gift.  Then, do great things with it.

 

How to preserve our freedoms

For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.

Nelson Mand ela

Today, as you celebrate your own freedoms and reflect on the road to liberty, take a minute to to consider what you can do, right now, in this moment to insure that others too can be free.

Imprisonment isn’t solely about being physically limited, but also about the emotional and mental thoughts that bind us. In this way, we are all trapped by something. But we can help each other through that.

A word of encouragement can free someone from their fears. A gesture of love, can free someone from their loneliness. A simple thank you, can free someone from feelings of irrelevance. When we can offer these things to another, we too,  become freer to live in our own possibility.

 

Break free from sabotaging beliefs

This week as so many conversations turn to our freedoms and rights and the courageous people who fought — and continue to fight — to make sure we get to keep them,  it occurs to me that so many are still imprisoned. Stuck in their own limiting beliefs. In thought patterns that sabotage their own success.

There is a way out of this limiting self-sabotage and it starts right now when you give up the griping and blaming. When you become accepting and accountable for all that is in your life. This is the true route to freedom.

When we spend time complaining about the external crap — the crazy mini-van driver who cut us off, the slow poke in the check out line, the husband who doesn’t wipe off the counter (maybe that’s just me) we wear ourselves out. It’s a form of self-sabotage that sucks our energy out and takes our intention and intellect away from doing the things that inspire us – the things that keep us on purpose.

You can worry all you want about the bank account that never seems to fill or the dark jeans that never seem to fit, or the argument that never gets resolved – but you know it’s all about YOU. Right? The challenges we have are not outside ourselves – they are within us.

Knowing that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll stop the shoe-shopping-ice-cream-eating behavior that ultimately shows up as a form of self-sabotage, because while we think one thing we live by the beliefs that have settled in to our subconscious. We may think something consciously – “I deserve this promotion” — but the subconscious beliefs, that usually direct our behavior are screaming “don’t be a stupid head, you can’t do this job.” It’s not true of course, a thought is not reality. But when we start acting as though it is true, we convince our bodies and spirits and brains and a limiting belief takes root.

This week then, take a look at the areas of your life that are humming and also observe those that are less than bueno. What’s working? What could be better? Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t blame, just observe. Experience. Become aware. And pinpoint the beliefs you that have kept you from where you wanted to go. From here we’ll begin to unwind those strings of tangled beliefs.

For example,  I was raised with the belief that you could have Money or Happiness – you couldn’t have both at the same time. So, I went with happiness and I am happy and — I’m watching every dime. Because of my beliefs about money every time I got close to big money, my subconscious reminded me with a taser-like effectiveness that cash and happiness cannot co-exist. While I’ve always had enough money to pay my bills and cover my costs, I’ve never reached a level where I wasn’t eager to return the pop cans.  Now I know better though. I’ve uncovered the bones of that belief, I know it’s baloney and I’ve begun working to clear it out (this can be easier than you think) and to replace it with a new shinier model. I mean really, who says you have to pick. I can be happy and financially abundant. I’m going after it.

And you can too. Identify some of those deep beliefs – the things sticking like super glue to your psyche — cross-examine them. When you discover that they are truly just a figment of your imagination, you can work on letting them go. Then, you will be truly free.

How to cope after you’ve made the Big. Tough. Choice.

Many of the most important decisions in life aren’t easy to make. Even when we know what we need to do, even when we understand what the right thing is, we usually fret and worry through it. What-iffing every outcome. When the outcome is something that also causes a feeling of loss or grief, or it is something that displeases others, we tend to beat ourselves up thinking somehow we could have done things differently.

You can get stuck in this place and drive yourself crazy with the fantasy of what might have been, or you can live well with what is and grow into the choices you’ve made.

Here are some ways to do it.

1. Get a reality check. We spend so much time wishing things were different that it keeps us from living with what is. When you cannot accept how things are you will remain stuck in the pain of how things aren’t. For example, wishing that you hadn’t been diagnosed with the illness doesn’t make the illness go away, but it might keep you from doing what you need to do to heal. Wishing you hadn’t married a jerk, doesn’t make him any less of a jerk. But, accepting what is, the reality of the situation, gives you good honest factual information to deal with the circumstances. In other words, we have all wished we had a million dollars, but that wish doesn’t show up in the bank account. When I know the amount of money I do actually have to work with, I can decide how to manage it well.

And remember this: Feeling sad about something isn’t the same as wishing you’d done it differently. You can feel the rawness of the emotion and move through it, without getting stuck in what might have been.

2. Sit with the emotions. My friend Tonya is grieving her decision to give away her dog. The dog frequently ran away and Tonya was stressed by constantly chasing after the animal — with her two young sons in tow. She worried that one day she would find the dog lying by the side of the road after being hit by a car. After years of trying different things, Tonya decided to do it differently. She and her family found the dog a new home. Even though Tonya knew that the decision was the right one, it wasn’t an easy one to make. The only way to deal with it, she decided, was to sit with the emotion of it all.

For Tonya, that meant wrestling with her feelings of failure and guilt, and allowing herself to also experience the positive feelings of relief and peace that she also felt. By being honest about her emotions, she also felt herself opening up more to her family and friends.

The experience she says, has “softened and slowed me and that feels good but scary.”

It’s also helped her to become more present to what is and to connect more deeply with others by recognizing that everyone has their own pain and challenge to contend with.

“Finally,” she says, “It is about being okay with my choice despite my inner drive to make it work. And, letting go of that “never give up” mentality. No one likes to feel like she has failed. It’s impossible to not feel that when making a hard decision. But, ‘giving up,’ relinquishing, whatever….sometimes is okay and even better.”

3. Seek support. You don’t have to go through it alone. Commiserate with friends, reach out. Ask for help. Find people to share your experience with and listen to theirs. All of us have met with tough choices, and we’ve survived them. You’ll find some support and hidden wisdom by sharing your experience with people you trust. Don’t feel like opening to friends? Find a support group and share your story.

4. Reframe the situation. As long as you’re focused on the agony of the decision you made, or how differently you wished things were, you will be stuck in the pain of it. Instead, shift your mindset. Acknowledge the challenge, but also seek out the possibility for the new situation. Though Tonya was sad and stressed about giving up her dog, she was also able to recognize the other reality, which is without chasing and worrying about the dog, she has more energy and attention to give her family. Every situation holds many truths, look for those that are helpful, expansive and contain the gift and you can move through the change. This will allow you to find meaning in the experience and learn to trust yourself so that next time you are faced with a tough choice, you’ll know that no matter what, you’ll get through it gracefully.

 

 

Expand your life by making the tough decision

There are plenty of times in life when doing the right thing or the best thing at the time feels like the hardest thing ever:

Giving up a pet to a new home
Quitting a soul-sucking job
Deciding not to have more children
Leaving the abuser or addict
Staying home with the baby

Life is filled with moments like these, decisions that don’t have easy answers or come with obvious happy-ever-after outcomes. There are pros and cons to every side and we worry and fret our way through each of them.

The problem is, we often believe we should know the outcome before we even live it. We convince ourselves that change is hard, so when faced with biggie decisions that would cause some uncertainty, we stress out. We become wishy-washy. We worry. We blame. We question ourselves and build a fantasy world of “what-if” scenarios. “What if I’d only done it differently?” This keeps us stuck in the decision-making process forever. If you’re like me, you call this phase “research.” It’s really only a clever (and transparent) way to avoid making a decision. Heck, I can make picking out a comforter cover an ordeal.

But, getting stuck in the decision, is also a constrictive, limiting way to live. It is the equivalent of not getting the vaccine against small pox because we don’t want the pain from the injection. Course you may die from smallpox, but at least you avoided the shot.

Trust yourself, you’ve got this

The solution is to trust yourself. To know that whichever decision you make – you’ll be O.K. To open up to the notion that you are wiser and more capable than you even know and that by actively engaging with the world, by making a choice, you are shifting energy and opening yourself up to greater possibility. The way through a difficult decision is to make it and then embrace the idea that there will be unseen gifts for you in this choice, even with the pain.

It isn’t easy to do something different – especially if it’s unpopular with others. There will be a learning curve, sure. Plenty of uncertainty. But, you can’t tell me that staying in  a bad relationship is easy either.

Chasing a dog through the streets praying that it hasn’t been hit by a car, is not easy. Spending eight hours at a job that depresses you, is not easy.

If you’re honest, staying where you are, contracted, stuck, small, investing energy in the same distressing routine day-in-day-out, is not at all easier than making a decision that moves you in a new direction.

When you do choose a new direction – the grief or anxiety or uncertainty then, doesn’t have to be repeated every day. It changes, becomes fluid. There is movement and ultimately the shifting emotions are a sign of growth instead of a reminder of how bad things are.

Pause to acknowledge yourself when the emotions come. Notice the strength and courage it took to make the choice no one else could have made. Acknowledge yourself for your growth and expansion, for being brave enough to try something new, to seek something better, to live authentically and true to yourself. Then, go looking for the gift that is hidden in all this. It will be there for you. Because when you make the Big Decision you create movement. You learn to trust yourself and finally, you get to see how strong and capable and powerful you really are.

On Wednesday, I’ll offer some ideas about how to cope with the change after you’ve made the hard decision. For now, consider what you’ll do next. I’m confident you can handle it.