Polly Campbell's Blog, page 42

How expectations limit our lives

It was a great weekend. Family and friends. Fun activities, good food – and not at all what I expected.

For awhile then, instead of soaking up all the good things that did occur, all the surprises and opportunities – I lamented what didn’t happen. There was never any plan. No agenda, but still I had a visual image – an expectation – of what would occur over the weekend. When it didn’t, I felt disappointed, like I had missed out. Though I did have a fantastic time.

Being so tied to our own expectations that we can’t enjoy the good things that actually do happen is crazy-making. I caught myself in this absurd process and got my head and heart back into alignment by appreciating the weekend we did have, rather than the expectations that weren’t met.

But this got me thinking about how often we load our lives with expectations and then feel sad, disappointed, angry when they aren’t met. How often do we expect others to act or feel a certain way and then we feel unloved or angry when they don’t.

People, if we want to be really happy, we have got to stop doing this.

Think about it:

You expect your husband to do the dishes, (though you never mention it). Geez, you cooked the freaking dinner, packed the lunch, folded the clothes and mediated world peace in the Middle East, the least he can do is the dishes. Right? He should know what you need. You expect him to know. When he doesn’t you are plumb ticked off.

Maybe you expect to get the promotion, you’ve been there eight years. When you’re passed over you become boss-hating and angry.

Perhaps you expect to make 500 bucks on the fundraiser. When you don’t you feel like a failure.

These patterns repeat throughout every aspect of our lives: we expect to be healthy, when we get something funky we are devastated and surprised. We expect to have fun, when we don’t we’re mad.

There are so many directions we can take in life, so many paths to follow, why then do we limit ourselves with expectation?

Expectation ties us to disappointment

When you live from a place of expectation, you can never be satisfied. It’s not that people are bad or wrong for defying your expectation or that the Universe is out to get you if your plans aren’t met – everybody is just doing what they do. But, when you tie yourself to a single idea, that’s too constrictive to work and your expectation can never be met.

Clinging to expectations also limits our potential. Often, what we think we want is so much smaller than what we are actually capable of creating. By being tied to a single outcome, we give up on the grander goal.

Life is wild and expansive and fluid and changing and in that way it’s interesting. But, if you are living only for a particular outcome – for things to go just your way, just as you expected – you miss out on all the cool stuff that comes up along the way. Then, real-life can never match up to the expectation you created in your imagination – even if it’s really, really good.

Good things will happen whether you plan for them or coach them or expect them. Some hard stuff will come too. The best you can do is to drop the expectations and commit to engaging fully in the experience. Then, you’re more likely to find meaning and appreciate ANYTHING that happens.

On Wednesday, you can expect that I’ll give you some tips on how to do this. Believe me, I’m working on it too.

 

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Four ways to give up control and find greater peace

I’m bossy. Have been since I was a kid. I like to direct things. I keep a clean house, tight schedule, and clear objectives. But, this isn’t necessarily something to brag about. Too often, when we are moving with a mission in mind, we move out of the moment and begin to micro-manage people and things tweaking the details to control outcomes. Not smart. In fact, it’s not even possible. To think that we can control things, means we are rooted in an illusion. Instead of seeing life as it actually is, we get caught up in how it ought to be.

In reality – or at least this experience we call reality – is always more expansive and beautiful and interesting than anything I could come up with on my own.

Usually, I realize I’m caught up in this need to control when I’m feeling a bit ungrounded. When I feel the weight of the world, and think that I have got to “do everything myself.” At this point, when I feel as though I have to cover everything to keep the Earth from spinning out of orbit, I’m am separate from my core self and this is a super stressful way to live.

I want to live from my core because this is the place where love and compassion and grace and humor and possibility reside. This is the spiritual hut of my being and it just feels better. So when I catch myself feeling stressed and whiny and overwhelmed, I know I need to stop, get quiet and get back to my center.

Here are four  ways to give up control and go with the flow:

1. Get quiet. You know from reading this site that I’m a big fan of quiet. But, finding quiet moments is essential when you are getting caught up in the external noise and chaos of our hectic lives. If you are feeling the need to be in control, or the manage everything to make it all okay, that’s a noisy place to be and the only way to find a way out is to stop, get quiet and breathe deep. From a moment of quiet, peace can spring and you’ll be more apt to let life come to you.

2. Get grounded. Physically stand up, put your feet shoulder length apart and imagine a rod coming up through the center of the earth and connecting your body to the planet and all that is. You are rooted in this Universe. You are a part of all that it is. You are not going to fly off into space, you are not going to wither and fall apart. You not separate. You are all. When you are grounded in your body and connected physically to all that is, you no longer need to manage things – you just know you can handle whatever comes. Another way to get grounded is to go dig in the dirt, or walk barefoot in the grass.

3. Get awesome. Reconnect to the love and the beauty and the awesome within you and outside of you. When we are compelled to control we are so busy trying to figure things out that we forget about the perfection of the mountains, or the strength of the oceans or the miracle of our hearts beating without us needing to put in a work order to get them moving. When we get the awesome back in our lives, we are reminded how well things work – even when we don’t do anything at all. This frees us up. From this place we can let the rest of it go and simply go with the flow.

4. Get away from outcomes. Now, contrary how all this sounds, I’m not suggesting you give up, stop working toward your goals, and lay on the couch until the batteries on the remote run out. I’m simply suggesting that when we stop trying to control outcomes, we are actually in a better position to actively live and engage in life. This is when things get good. Do what you do, but stop clinging to this notion that there is only one right result. Immerse yourself in the process, without worry for how it will turn out and be open to whatever comes. This is expansive and exciting. To live with wonder and a curiosity for life is both fascinating and fun.

Don’t worry if any of these things feels unfamiliar or even a bit uncomfortable. Many of us – OK me — are simply out of practice. But, I’m telling you from experience now, when you can reconnect to the awesome, get grounded and quiet and move closer to your essence, good things happen even without you pulling the puppet strings and that is a sure route to peace.

 

 

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Give up control and move back into flow

I’ve felt a little off lately. Disconnected. Edgy. Impatient. Lethargic. Prone to outbursts of emotional eating and whining when things aren’t going my way.

I’ve stepped out of flow of life and tried, instead, to control it. Course, it isn’t working. It never works and my efforts to micro-manage have left me feeling ungrounded and irritated.

Control is an illusion, but our attempts at it create tangible results – and leave us feeling stressed, uptight, unproductive and more than a little annoying to live with.

This need  to manage the moments of our lives comes from the belief that we must do something, anything just to be O.K.. That moves us away from our core – the place the holds the deep knowing that things are already O.K. just as they are. When we try to control anything at all, we actually move away from our power centers of faith, humor, intuition, compassion and grace. We relinquish the very skills we need to cope with whatever comes.

We become self-centered, isolated, obsessive, and in my case a teeny bit pouty. And holding on tight to life stifles the magic and goodness that is all around us.

This is so not productive. Not helpful. Not even smart.

Today, I’m regrouping, moving back to my center, willing to step into the uncertainty and experience all that comes knowing that I am enough to handle it. On Wednesday, I’ll tell you how you can do it too.

 

Five ways to have more fun

A playful spirit is the cornerstone of creativity, joy, and spirituality. It is the way we learn and grow and connect with others. It’s also how we become more efficient and productive problem-solvers. With a little fun in your life, things become easier to manage. But, as grown-ups we aren’t good about making time to play. Sitting zonked out in front of the television  after the kids are in bed and the dishes are done is not the kind of fun I’m talking about – though I’ve gotten very good at it.

I’m talking about consciously bringing things into your life that fill you with energy and curiosity. I’m talking about trying something new or mixing up the same ol’ routine a bit so that it feels more engaging. It isn’t hard to do and if you commit to trying these tips for the next three weeks, you will feel better about your life. Seriously.

Five ways to have more fun

1. Create something every day. It doesn’t have to be a master work – it doesn’t even have to be good. Nobody needs to see it. But, when the kids aren’t looking  pull out the Play-Doh and sculpt. Or try a new recipe or write a poem or song. Spend at least 10 minutes a day making something. Build a new garden display, learn to knit. Whatever.  Just do it. We are innate creators and our spirit sings when we allow new ideas to spring forth. Make something.

2. Do something fun for others. Our playfulness emerges when we are giving to others because we feel good. And, it isn’t hard to find fun, inexpensive – even convenient ways of giving back.

For example, every couple of months, I offer my family a choice between a known dinner menu or  the, da da da daaa, Mystery Meal. The Mystery Meal is something that I guarantee they will like, but I NEVER tell what I’m cooking until it’s on the table. It’s a simple little thing, I mean I’m going to cook dinner anyhow, but we all have fun talking about what the menu might be. It feels like a game and it spices up the regular routine.

Or, sometimes I’ll pack a special lunch for my husband, with a note tucked inside. Or sneak a new pair of socks, or a hairband in my daughter’s drawer for her to find as she dresses for school. It doesn’t take much to turn around someone else’s day and when you find unique ways to do that, you’ll discover that you are also having more fun.

3. Do the unexpected. The other night we were all in a funk and snarking at each other and I decided that there would be no more talking. If you wanted to say something, you had to sing it. Pretty hard to be sassy when you’re belting out an aria about chicken. It changed the mood around here because it was FUN. Look for ways in your day that you can do something a little different, it makes life a little lighter and leaves space for our playful nature to show up.

4. Do something fun every week. Find what works for you, what you’re passionate about, or what you enjoy doing and do it for at least a half hour – hopefully more – each week. If you love to read, set aside time just for that. Want some time to shoot hoops, put it in your calendar. Not sure what’s fun for you anymore?  Go looking. If you liked dance as a child, register for a class now and see if it’s still fun. If you once loved stamp collecting, or knitting, or baking – give it a shot now and see what sticks. Love gardening or visiting with friends, build it in to your week.

5. Go down the list. Time and money constraints and daily responsibilities can make it hard to do that really big stuff, like cruising-the-Caribbean, on a regular basis. But, it doesn’t mean it can’t ever happen. Make a bucket list – things big and little that you’d like to do before you die – and go after it. Want to take that cruise? Begin planning now and set a date for it in the future. Like to go to the Super Bowl, begin thinking about how to make that happen. If you want to learn a new language, find a class and register.

And, don’t be afraid to mention some of your bucket-list items to others. When people know what you’re working toward they can often help you make it happen. A few years ago, I mentioned to my family that I’d like to learn to play the ukulele. I got a red one (more awesome than you know) for Christmas and I’m taking lessons.

The point here is, it’s not enough to make a list – you’ve got to be willing to follow through on the things you put down. The novelty will be a fun addition to your life.

 

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Times flies when you’re going after the right goal

I went out for a quick dinner with my girlfriends before the sun set.

I arrived home three hours later, in darkness. Boy, did that go fast.

It’s easy to feel like your life is on fast forward, especially when you’re having fun and now researchers know why.

When we are in what the Bigwigs call “high approach motivation” meaning we feel like we want to go out an accomplish something, we have a tighter focus and memory. When we are in this state – which excitement and desire can bring on – we are able to shut out irrelevant thoughts and feelings and give greater attention to the moment.

During dinner with the girls we were talking about fun and interesting things. I was engaged in the conversation and also receiving helpful input and support. That inspired me, got me excited, and the evening slipped by.

When we are engaged in the pursuit of something important and meaningful – a la connection, in my case — time really does seem to pass more quickly. This perception, say psychological scientists Phillip Gable and Bryan Pool, of the University of Alabama, who investigated the phenomena, may help us persevere to achieve greater goals, as well as help us hone our focus long enough to satisfy our basic survival needs for things like food, water, companionship.

Thing is, many of us get so caught up in the day-to-day routine, that we spend much of our time feeling stuck in a rut. Ever been in a meeting that seemed to take for-ev-er, though it only lasted 30 minutes? Yes, when you are feeling caught, blocked, unmotivated, time seems to drag. The secret then is to move closer to the elusive state of flow where time flies. You can do this by having more fun and adding more meaning to your life.

It isn’t hard. I’ll tell you how to do it in Wednesday’s post.

Richard St. John talks about how to succeed

Persistence, passion and mothering? All components of achieving success, says expert Richard St. John. See the other five qualities he declares are key to achieving your goals in this short video.

 

Four ways to fail successfully

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I’m pretty good at handling rejection. And like most of you, I’ve had a ton of practice. When you are a freelance writer, particularly in the early days, you spend a lot of time fielding no’s. When you’re a parent, you get good at looking failure in the eye. Heck, when you’re, well, a human being, you get plenty of practice at managing mistakes.

But, I like telling those stories of defeat. The ones where I describe the more than 50 rejections I got before I sold my first piece to a major magazine. My favorite part is the story is the point where after all those no’s the yeses started coming and have continued to come, because I just wouldn’t give up.

Richard St. John lists persistence as among the eight qualities you need to be successful. You can see him talk about it in the video I’ll post Wednesday on this site.

Persistence is essential in relationships, business, and really anything, if you’re going to live a healthy life. You have to keep going, even during the tough moments. Even after failure. Especially after failure. But, it helps if you know how to handle those less-than moments so that you can keep moving toward success. Here are four strategies for handling failure.

Redefine what failure means. Intellectually we know that our mistakes yield opportunity and the insights we need to ultimately succeed in life. So, when the rejections come, or the boss says no, or you lose the financing or whatever it is that you want to work isn’t working at all, slow down to appreciate what isn’t working. Stop focusing on all the ways you’re screwed and start thinking about the information the failure offers. It’s usually telling us to find a new way, to redirect our energies. When we can identify what isn’t working instead of becoming identified with the pain of our failure, we can start on the solution, the new approach, the next big thing.

When, I was having a hard time selling magazine pieces, I experienced the disappointment of each rejection and then began looking at the things that were keeping me from acceptance letters. I realized that I wasn’t writing good pitches. And, I didn’t know why. So, instead of feeling bad, I quieted my ego, and hooked up with a coach who helped me hone that skill. Within months I began regularly selling my work.

Experience disappointment, but don’t wallow in it. Of course, it hurts when our dreams get derailed. Allow yourself to experience the frustration and disappointment that comes with failure, then get up and get going again. Don’t deny your emotions, but make sure that you also come up with another avenue, activity, interest to pursue so that you don’t get stuck in the despair.

Detach from outcomes; focus on process. Often the reason why our failures are so painful is that we have become deeply attached to a single outcome. If we have our minds set on only one end result, chances are you’re going to fail – at least part of the time. Focus instead on the process. What is it that is driving you toward your desired outcome? What are your passions and values? Are the steps you’re taking toward your goal in line with those things? If you are growing and learning and living close to your values and passions all along the way, any outcome you achieve will feel worthwhile and in fact, you’re likely to achieve more than you could even envision. You’ll succeed in myriad ways when your process aligns with your values and passions. If you are failing repeatedly, could be those things are out of sync.

Get some sleep. Seriously, people. The tough times are a lot harder to handle when you are not eating and sleeping well. Take care of your body. Get some sleep and examine the situation when you are more rested. Often we lose perspective and our ability to creatively problem solve because we are just too dang tired or hungry. Rest well and any rejection or perceived failure will feel a lot easier to deal with.

Watch this. Finally, it never hurts to have beacons of inspiration in your life. Seek them out. Find motivating quotes, inspiring videos, supportive friends. Rely on them when you reserves of persistence are running dry. And, watch this short clip. It is sure to give you a boost.

 

 

Author of Wojo’s World offers some insight into the funny business

On Monday, author Michele Wojciechowski   wrote about how she can find the funny in even the difficult moments in life and that kind of humor is the secret to coping in crisis. In this Q&A she offers some thoughts about humor, how she writes it, experiences it and how we can all find a little more to laugh about in our own lives.

IS:   What makes something funny?

MW:  Whether something is funny or not is determined by the reader, the viewer, or the listener. I may think a joke or essay is hilarious, and a friend of mine may think it’s the stupidest thing she’s ever read. That’s why there are so many different types of comedy out there—from the slapstick to the cerebral. There’s a style of humor for everyone.

IS: Have you always been funny or is it something you cultivate?

MW: I grew up in a very funny family. Both my parents were really funny people. I remember sitting around the kitchen table at my grandmother’s house every Sunday and puns flying back and forth between family members. I began doing impressions of “Vinnie Barbarino,” John Travolta’s character on “Welcome Back Kotter,” when I was a kid, and my aunts and their friends would pay me quarters to do it. With that, a professional comic was born!

I also have cultivated it throughout my life. I’ve always had funny friends and been drawn to people who share my sense of humor. We always have a good time.

IS: Why is it so important to cultivate laughter and humor in your life?

Besides just making you feel good, laughter has been scientifically proven to help your health. If you’re really upset and someone makes you laugh, your muscles relax, your blood pressure drops, and your body releases all those feel-good hormones.

MW: Here’s how I see it—your life is going to happen no matter what. You will go through the same situations whether you’re laughing or angry. As much as I can, I choose to laugh.

IS: How do you find humor in your life?

MW: Frankly, humor finds me. What I mean by that is folks think I must have the funniest life in the world because I use tons of everyday experiences in my column, Wojo’s World .

I don’t think my life is necessarily funnier that everyone else’s. I’m just really observant. I carry a paper and pens with me all the time and have them on my nightstand. I have a folder full of scraps of paper—literally—because I will think of something funny or experience something hilarious, and I write it down to remember it later.

I’ve tried to keep a journal of funny stuff over the years, but unless I was being graded on it in high school or college, I couldn’t keep it up. I’m too disorganized. And I even have an assistant now. I still like my scraps of paper system for jokes.

IS: Like many people, I know you’ve faced some great losses and challenges such as the death of your mother. How has humor helped you cope with the dark days?

MW: Losing my mom seven years ago was, without a doubt, the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. I lost my dad when I was just 10 years old, and that was tough. But I was a kid, and I think that often kids can really be a lot more resilient than we give them credit for. I’m not saying it was easy to lose my dad, but I still had my mom.

My mom and stepdad lived with us during her illness, unless she was in the hospital. When my mom was ill with cancer, sometimes she was on drugs that were making her, as we called it, “goofy headed.” So, for example, she would take a nap and then wake up and ask what time it was. When we told her 5 o’clock, she would say, “In the morning?” And it would be evening. To joke with her and get through it ourselves, my husband and I made two signs—one that had a sun on it and read, “It’s daytime” and the other that had a quarter moon and said, “It’s night.” It would make my mom laugh when we would hold them up and announce the time. But it also kept us from crying.

IS: Some may perceive humor, or laughter, especially during difficult times to be frivolous or inappropriate. What do you think of that perception?

MW: I believe that people are entitled to this opinion, but it’s not one that I share. I think that in our darkest, most horrible moments laughter and humor help to keep us sane.

I’ve known fire fighters, police, and folks in the medical field who use dark humor within their ranks. Would it be appropriate to joke about it with their neighbors or at a cocktail party? Absolutely not. But it’s needed because it helps them deal with horrors that many of us could not experience on a day-to-day basis.

When my mom was ill, she knew her odds weren’t great. But she often joked with the hospital staff. She did, and we did. And, as a result, they did. We all knew what was really happening, but humor helped us all deal with it.

IS: When you are feeling low or in a dark mood, what, if any, are the ways you are still able to laugh or see glimpses of light in your days?

MW: Honestly, I’m like everyone else, and sometimes I just need to have a good, long cry. On other days, I find that getting out of myself and making other people laugh pulls me out of a low place. Sometimes, I’ll put on a funny movie or watch something hilarious on YouTube that I may have seen hundreds of times already. But I still laugh.

If nothing seems to be working, I know what will. I watch stand-up by Brian Regan. His stuff never fails to make me laugh out loud.

IS: For those of us who are not comedians, what are some ways we can find the humor in our days—even though life can be so challenging at times?

MW: Look for the absurdities in your life and the general weirdness around you. I think most folks have funny family, work, pets, kids, or childhood stories that they can retell and laugh about. We’ve all had funny things happen to us. It’s just a matter of remembering them, and you can go back in time, relive the event, and laugh your head off.

With the internet, laughter is as close as a click away. YouTube, Funny or Die, and The Onion websites are full of funny stuff. Take a break, and click around. You’ll find something that makes you laugh.

And go to my website—www.wojosworld.com. I’m pretty dang funny and not promotionally minded at all…

IS: Do you have any “practices” you use that could help the rest of us rediscover the fun and laughter in our own lives?

MW: Open your mind and observe. Watch movies or TV shows that make you laugh. Find books that make you laugh (like a new one called “Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box.” I’m not into promotion. Nope. Not me.). Call a friend who makes you laugh. Play with your crazy pet. Search something like “babies laughing” online. I guarantee that if you do all of the above, something will make you laugh.

IS: Tell me about your book Next Time I Move They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box. How did it come to be?

MW: Five years ago, my husband and I found our dream home. Problem was, we weren’t seriously looking for it yet. In a two-week whirlwind, we had put in a contract on our dream home and gotten our place on the market. Then we had to sell our home and move. Chaos and hilarity ensued.

I wrote a number of columns during the months we were going through this, and I got great feedback from readers, our realtor, and our mortgage broker. I knew I was on to something, and within a month after moving, I said to my husband, “Next time I move, they’ll carry me out in a box.” A title was born and so was the idea for my book.

IS: If people could take one thing from the book, what would you hope that they get from reading it?

No matter how stressful a situation might be, if you can step back and find some humor in it, you’ll be able to get through it.

 

Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski is a national award-winning freelance writer and humorist, as well as a standup comedian and public speaker. Her writing has appeared in Family Circle, Boys’ Life, Los Angeles Times Magazine, Maryland Life, Baltimore magazine, the BaltimoreSun.com, and the Chicago Tribune’s RedEye.com, among many others. She has written the award-winning column, Wojo’s World™ since 2003 and is a faculty member of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Wojo lives with her family in Baltimore, Maryland and is never moving again. For more information, visit WojosWorld.com. 

 

 

Use Humor to Cope With Life’s Changes and Challenges

Note from Imperfect Spirituality: Often the fastest way to connect to your spirit is to laugh. Laughter can improve mood, ease pain, and contribute to our longevity. In today’s post Michele Wojciechowski, author of Next Time I Move They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box tells us how humor sustains her through the troubling times. Her Q&A in Wednesday will show us how we can find the funny in our own lives. Now, heeerre’s Michele:

 By Michele Wojciechowski

I come from a really funny family. So all of my life, I’ve seen how humor can help us, especially in times of change or challenge.

You know, like when you’re really stressed out.

Sometimes I make folks laugh or make sure I laugh myself because if you don’t laugh, you might just cry.

That’s not to say that crying is bad. It’s actually good. But at certain times in my life, if I cried during the entire dark time, I would have dehydrated on a daily basis!

In order to cope, I often look to find humor in any situation. When my Mom was ill with cancer, I was a mess. She was my best friend, and I’m an only child. My Dad had died when I was 10 years old. As you can imagine, this was one of the most stressful times of my life.

But often, we all found ways of laughing.

One time, my mom had been taken off a ventilator. When the sedation she had had worn off, her oncologist came in to check on her. When he asked how she was doing, Mom responded, “I’m sassy!”

He wrote in her chart, “Patient is alert, talking, and SASSY!” So for the rest of that day, when medical staff would come into her hospital room, they would see that, laugh, and then say something like, “So, you’re sassy today, huh?”

More recently, I’ve been working on my book, “Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box.” It tells of how my husband and I found our dream home when we weren’t seriously looking, had to get our place on the market in less than 10 days, and then sell it and move.

As you can imagine, that time in our lives was extremely stressful. But we found ways to laugh about it. I think this is something that anyone can do.

You know those times in your life when the situation is just so absurd that all you can do is laugh? There was one time during the move, when I had to get my then 78-year-old stepdad into the car along with our three dogs and the writing project I was working on at a moment’s notice because a potential buyer wanted to see our home.

I drove to the parking lot of the nearest grocery store so we could sit and wait. It was winter, so we had the car running and the heat on. The dogs decided to become completely manic and chase each other around the back seat while whining and barking. Then my stepdad began to yell at them, which did absolutely no good. And this was not a great environment for working on my project.

Right when I felt like I was going to lose it and start crying, it began to snow. Really hard.

Have I mentioned that we Baltimoreans completely freak out when it snows? Well, we do. Even if it’s only an inch.

What I thought at that moment was, “God, are you serious? Now you’re sending snow? I can’t believe this is happening!”

All I could do was laugh…

Later, when I told the story to my husband, I laughed even more. As I’m telling you about it today, it still makes me laugh.

Laughter helps relieve our stress, to relax, and to be completely “in the moment.” Often, when we’re stressed, it’s not because of what we’re experiencing at the moment. It’s because of what we’re thinking about. If you change your thoughts, you can change your life. Or at least how you feel at the moment.

At my mom’s wake, I asked people to tell funny stories about her. I had a list of “Momisms” that I came up with—things that my mom would say all the time and that folks would recognize as being truly her.

As we shared these, the priest who would say the funeral mass walked in. “I’ve never walked into a funeral home and heard so many people laughing,” he said. “I wish other people could incorporate some laughter into times of sorrow. It’s what the people they miss would want.”

So while we all did cry, a lot, we also laughed. And it helped to ease our pain.

I know my mom was with us too—laughing like crazy…

 

Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski is a national award-winning freelance writer and humorist, as well as a standup[image error]    comedian and public speaker. Her writing has appeared in Family Circle, Boys’ Life, Los Angeles Times Magazine, Maryland Life, Baltimore magazine, the BaltimoreSun.com, and the Chicago Tribune’s RedEye.com, among many others. She has written the award-winning column, Wojo’s World™ since 2003 and is a faculty member of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Wojo lives with her family in Baltimore, Maryland and is never moving again. For more information, visit WojosWorld.com.

 

 

 

 

Three ways to live more spontaneously

 The very word spontaneous, which means to  “come out of natural impulse or inclination, rather than from planning or in response to suggestions from others” or to result from “internal or natural processes with no apparent external influence”  stresses me out. I’m a planner. I’ve got two calendars, which I review constantly throughout my day. I have to-do lists and dates scheduled weeks in advance. Part of this is because there is a lot I want to do and experience. There are people I want to meet. I know, the way things are rolling on the ever-increasing Type-A Planet, that if I don’t get on their schedule, it’s likely we won’t connect. So, I do plan the things that  I really want to do.

But, I also think that over-planning is crap for creativity, and growth and flexibility and fun. You’ve got to have some time when you work without a safety net, when you hop out of bed and experience what the world offers without your manipulation.

On these flex days when you just roll with whatever comes, there is great potential for creativity and flow. There is a chance you’ll have a powerful  life-changing experience or make a personal discovery that will lead to greater meaning. Plus, spontaneity allows room for play and that’s good for your relationships and your health. These are the big things we bypass by being too scheduled.

So, I’m not suggesting you toss the calendar, but I am suggesting, ironically that you plan to be a little more spontaneous.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Say yes, when you want to say no. Often, we say “no” to fun times and interesting experiences simply because they weren’t part of the original plan. When something interesting shows up, consider it a synchronous gift and say “yes” to the experience. You’ll feel proud of yourself and even a little excited. We feel better when we have new experiences and saying yes is a way to help it show up.

2. Plan time for spontaneity. Seems paradoxical, but this is how I do it sometimes. For example, on Monday, I’m spending the day with a friend. It’s the only time we both had open for a few weeks. But, instead of planning how we’ll spend the time, we simply agreed to meet in the morning and go with whatever we feel like. This feels so fun to me and freeing. I get to see her and I don’t have to coordinate, direct, plan. Just thinking about that feels fun.

Once-in-awhile just head out without a map or a plan and see what happens.

My husband and I try to do this on some Saturday mornings. When we have a weekend free, we’ll decide not to decide. We won’t talk about our plans until we get up and then it’s usually moment-by-moment as things arise. This is tough on the days our daughter has a soccer game or I have an appearance. But, we seize the other open moments in our life, just to see what comes.

3. Change plans. First, need to be clear: This is not my favorite suggestion – just sayin –  because I do not like to change plans. I get geared up for whatever I’m planning to do and have a hard time adjusting (in the beginning) to a new idea. But, that’s why I’m working on this more and more and what better way to become easier with this than to practice. Often, I’ll go renegade and stray from my to-do list. If the mood strikes, I’ll mix up what I’m planning to cook for dinner, or meet a friend for a spontaneous playdate at the park. The key is to be aware of how you’re feeling and what you need to spark your day and then to go find it even if it’s different than what you planned. Often this kind of flexibility yields just enough inspiration or energy to help you be more productive when you do return to the schedule.

Today, try one of these things. Mix up your moments a little bit with something new, something unexpected, something spontaneous and tune into what arrives in your life. You’ll be uplifted by what you discover.