Polly Campbell's Blog, page 36

How to Ease Parenting Stress Every Once-in-Awhile

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you did’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.”

–Linda Wooten, from Mom’s the Word, by Allen Klein

 

I’m thinking a lot about my role as a mother. Trying to figure out my place in all of it. Sometimes, it seems as though my place is to nag others to get stuff done – put your shoes on, clear your plate, stop blowing spit bubbles, seriously people, spit bubbles – but I’m easing off that a bit, letting natural consequences play out, because I don’t feel good when I nag.

Mostly, my place it seems is to hug and hold and be held, to put on Band-Aids, and wipe up spills. To sit quiet and listen, when the worries roll through right at bed time. To hold hands on the way to the bus stop in a way that nobody can see, but feels good just the same.

My role is ever changing and I’m just trying to keep up. Fortunately, or not, my daughter is quick to tell me what to do. And while she believes I’m there with her to guide her, serve her and be available in the middle of the night for bad dream assessments, I know I have a unique opportunity to learn from her too. She is the truth. She says it like it is and reflects my best and worst qualities, and loves me anyhow.

Our relationship isn’t always easy. It certainly isn’t convenient. It is sometimes sticky, and slow. She doesn’t always do it like I would do it –sometimes she does it much better, sometimes not so good – and that’s my lesson too, that we both have our own unique styles and way of being in the world. We both have our own desires to experience this world. Yet, we are moving through this experience together.

So, we can learn together. But, sometimes I just want to do it my way. Quietly, focused. Without mess. Sometimes when things are feeling really hard, and I’m tired and she’s mad and I’m not sure what to do next, I will moan to my girlfriends, drink a margarita and then return to these five bits of advice.

1. Look for the lesson. In life and certainly in relationships, there is always a bigger nugget of knowledge. We get caught up in our anger or fatigue. We are swept up in the routine of caring for instead of caring about and we forget to look for the lesson and it’s there. Once you clue in on it, the fight ends. It’s just over. The lesson in the moment may be that people just need to eat a good meal or get better sleep. Or it might be that your child needs you to be square with her and vulnerable, because she knows something is up. Perhaps the lesson is he does need you to hug and hold him even though he pretends it doesn’t matter. Maybe you need a reminder to take a deep breath, and offer a hug instead of a consequence – even though that may not feel like disciplined parenting. Those lessons reveal more about us than our child. They show us who we are and what we are capable of and they allow us to reconnect with each other.

2. Let it be. Walk away. Give it up. However you want to say it, this one is not my strong suit. I like to over-talk, re-explain, then say it again – just so that I’m understood. If I had my way, everyone would write a two-page report about the incident so that we could rehash it in the morning. Just kidding. Sort of.

Sometimes, most times, the best thing to do is to let it be. Say it once. Put your foot down. Get clear. Then let it go. Not everyone – including the kids – are going to see it your way. Just because people see it and do it differently than you doesn’t make it bad, wrong, ridiculous. Be a team player and once-in-awhile just let things be.

3. A difficult moment does not make for a difficult life. When my daughter was about two she showed little interest in going to the bathroom on the toilet. I stewed about this. I mean she didn’t even want to be in the bathroom. Then my husband casually reminded me that it was highly unlikely that our daughter would be wearing a diaper when she was 16. Somehow, someway she would figure it out and we would move on.

Relationships are never stagnant, because people never are. We are always learning and moving on.

Remember this when the difficult, confounding, irritating moments come – and they will, sometimes in rapid succession. But, they will also pass. We won’t always be stuck in the bad spell. People shift and grow by the moment. Leave room for that to happen. Allow for it. Don’t label or limit. Don’t over dramatize, or as my own mother would say “make a mountain out of a molehill.” Just deal with what comes right now, in this moment, and let the future take care of itself.

And, by the way, before my daughter turned three she decided one day – all on her own — to use the toilet and she never went back to diapers.

4. Let your child see you love.  If my daughter can accept the love coming her way from her parents and grandparents, but also her teachers and her friends and others who come into her path – if she can really notice it and feel it – she’ll live a more joyful, healthy life and, this is the biggie, she’ll be better able to love herself and others.

There is nothing bigger than that. Because the crap is going to come down in this life and despite it all there will always be love. I want her to know it and feel it. No matter. Cultivate that sense with your child by showing him how you love.

Let him notice you talking to the plants and loving on the dog and appreciating the shelter and beauty of your home. Let your children see you respecting their other parent and your friends.

Let them see you hugging and holding and reaching out to the people you love in your life. Let them see you launch yourself full on into your passions and purpose – even when you’ve been burned before. Even when there will be setbacks. Even when it feels scary.

Show your kids how to love themselves and their life by how you live with love and passion in yours. Do this by saying “yes” to new things, by accepting compliments, by connecting through kindness to others. By treating yourself with self-compassion. By speaking kindly to yourself, even when you’ve made a mistake. Love out loud and let your children see how you do it.

Then, hug everyone you can. Seriously, scoop that kid up whenever you can – even amid their protests, especially when they are too big for scooping, and hug and touch and hold. Because when the trouble hits they will have enough self-love to care for themselves through it. They will know that, no matter what others say, they are worthy and valuable. They will know that our lives aren’t defined by the bad stuff, but by the goodness we share. And they will know how to love others too. Though your kid will claim he’d rather have an iPad, there is no greater gift you can give then teaching them how to feel and share love.

5. Turn on the music in your life. When my daughter was very little and uptight or throwing a fit, we’d talk it over then turn on the music. Music is a balm to her and it is to us too. It reminds you of the joy in the world. The beauty. It inspires and uplifts. Often it gets you moving and when your body is moving you are no longer stuck in the hardness and stress of the moment. It shifts everything just a little. But music is also metaphor for the joy in our lives. A reminder to welcome it in, to make time for fun.

Kids can teach us how to do this if we open up and pay attention. Even when the hard stuff happens, there can be pockets of humor and joy and lightness. Go looking for it. Turn on the music if you have to. Even serious circumstances don’t require us to be serious all the time. And when we feel a little lighter we become more creative and that supports growth and problem solving and connection.

The people in our lives can be our greatest teachers and kids have so much wisdom to share. Often it comes out, not through words but through their affection and creativity and imagination and joy. Watch for it. Let some of it rub off on you that way we can all learn from each other.

 

 

For more quotations and insights on motherhood, check out Allen Klein’s great little book, Mom’s the Word: The Wit, Wisdom and Wonder of Motherhood  

 

Lessons Learned from My Daughter

“The fastest way to break the cycle of perfectionism and become a fearless mother is to give up the idea of doing it perfectly – indeed to embrace uncertainty and imperfection.”

Arianna Huffington

Quote from the book Mom’s the Word: The Wit, Wisdom and Wonder of Motherhood, by Allen Klein

It can be hard to get my daughter to finish her breakfast – or finish anything for that matter.

Between the time she goes to put her socks on and come back out she’s discovered glittery specks on the carpet, a doll that needs dressing and had plenty of thoughts about how to align the couch cushions so she can stand on her head without toppling.

There is, one would say, a certain lack of focus that follows my 6-year-old. I on the other hand, tend to be hyper-focused when I’m on task. Narrow almost. Dogged, certainly.

You can imagine then the confluence of ideas that emerge when my unfocused child is parented by her focused mother. It’s a constant push and pull.

We talked about it the other day. I asked her to come up with a way to hone her focus; to think about how she could take on and complete one task at a time. Of course she was hopping and spinning on one foot while we talked. But, she said she would think it over and come back to me on this. After about five minutes, while braiding her doll’s hair while putting stickers on a paper, she did.

“Mama,” she says. “I’ve been thinking about my focus.”

“Yes. Well, what did you come up with.”

“Mama, my whole job is to wonder. And you know that because you do it too and I just can’t always focus when I wonder and my eyes need to see everything.”

I exhaled and felt love fill me up where the air had been. She is my daughter and she is also my teacher, just like I am hers. And, it’s her whole job to wonder and I know now, that I want her to wonder. To go through life with zest and curiosity and awe. To pay attention and get messy and get into the moments with such zeal and passion that she forgets about everything else.

It’s not always convenient, for sure. But that’s about me. As a mother then, it requires patience and integrity to figure out when it’s important that she be focused and intent and when it doesn’t matter a twit except to make my life easier.

After all, does it really matter when she gets her socks on as long as she does before the school bus comes? She hasn’t missed the bus yet. Nor, has she ventured out without socks. Though she did forget the shoes once.

What know is that just because she does just about everything differently than I do, doesn’t make it wrong or bad. In fact those are the times I should be paying attention because I have the most to learn.

Relationships are like this. Inconvenient, messy, frustrating. And, they are joyful, fun, interesting. The people we are most connected to in our lives are lives might be the most frustrating as well. But, they also have the most to teach us and they love us enough to do it.

To be patient and aware as this insight comes in even when I’m trying to get the dinner on the table and the bills paid, and the article out then is the challenge for me is the challenge now. But I’m a good student – mostly because I’m focused and intent on learning the lesson. Plus, I have some strategies fall back on when I feel like things are unraveling around here. I’ll tell you what they are in Wednesday’s post.

For now, what are the lessons you are learning from the people in your life? We might not always like what we see, but we can always grow from it.

 

 

 

 

Three Ways to Deal with People Who Drain You

Ever met someone who only talks only about herself and always finds a way to bring the story back to her;  never once asking about you? Or the type that is always whining and complaining about the dramas in his life?

After a conversation like this chances are you feel drained, wiped out and empty.

Sure, everyone has bad days and needs to vent to a friend once-in-awhile. But, if you are hanging around with someone who consistently brings you down or you meet a person at a party and it feels like hard work to keep up a conversation, this is the mark of an emotional vampire —  the type that sucks the energy right out of you. Instead of allowing energy to flow between the two of you in exchange, these people take it all for themselves.

Many times the energy drainers don’t even realize they are doing it. They are so stuck in their negativity, narrow mindset or self-concern that they are simply unaware of what they put out in the world. Others are a bit more malicious: they feel so emotionally bankrupt that they go after the energy of others just to feel better about themselves.

But, in order for you to maintain your health and well-being it’s important to do some things to shield yourself against this kind of drama and drain.

How to Shield Yourself From the Energy Drain

1. Notice how you feel. First, tune in to your body and the sensations you are experiencing. If you begin to feel tightness in your chest, fatigue, or anxiety it could be that you are in the company of an energy drainer, according to Dr. Judith Orloff, a medical intuitive, teacher and author. Pay attention to the feelings and if you notice that your body is constrictive or tired, take a deep breath, step into your awareness and reground yourself in your body.

2. Visualize an emotional shield. I like to think of this as the force field used by Captain Kirk to stop combatants in their tracks during various Star Trek episodes. Imagine a giant energetic force field or shield emerging from your center and wrapping around you to protect you from any energy drain. Or think of it as a bright, white light covering your entire body keeping negativity out but allowing positive energy in. Whatever you create in your mind’s eye, let it infuse you with positive power and see if your mood changes.

3. Move away, and reach for something better. We pick energy up from others all the time. If you feel your mood taking a nosedive — though moments before you were feeling fine — try to move away from the people you’re near and see if you feel any better. Then, reach out for something higher. Get close to someone who always elevates your mood. Watch a funny movie, read an inspiring book, turn on some inspiring music, call an good-natured friend and take steps to consciously elevate your energy.

Be conscious, too, of the energy you bring. If your reserves are low you want to make sure that you’re not drawing from others, but doing things that will amp up your good energy and allow it to grow and expand.

 

Image by Stock.xchng

 

 

Why Some People Leave You Feeling Drained

Ever shared an exciting moment with someone who was hyper-critical and negative about your good news?

Or, met someone who was friendly, sure, but never once asked about you?

Ever talked to someone who went on and on about their own troubles?

Could be you were in the presence of a human energy drain. Dr. Judith Orloff calls them emotional vampires.

You know the type, the people who literally suck the energy – the life force — right out of you through their neediness, negativity, or self-centeredness.

These kind of people can show up in our families, among our friends, and co-workers – even among strangers at a party or in the mall. Sometimes the energy suck is intentional and malicious, a way of ripping off your energy to elevate their own. But often it’s an unconscious matter of survival for people who feel like that don’t have enough going in their own lives to sustain them. Either way you’ll wind up feeling depleted.

It’s a drag, but it’s not at all uncommon.

In the last week alone, I’ve been asked about these kinds of emotional vampires at least a half-dozen times. Even the awesome George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM brought it up on-air. Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have paid much mind to feeling wiped out in certain environments, but now I know it’s because people are drawing from my emotional power source and I’m learning to shield from that.

How Emotions are Spread

There is some science behind this. Emotional contagion is the very real affect that occurs when we pass our emotions around like a virus. If you are down and negative and come into contact with someone else, that energy is likely to influence their mood. Happiness and kindness has been shown to have a ripple effect too, impacting people positively beyond those that experienced the initial act.

In a new study released last week in the Clinical Psychological Science, researchers Gerald Haeffel and Jennifer Hames of the University of Notre Dame, found that people people who respond negatively to stressful life events, interpreting the events as a result of personal weakness and factors beyond their control, are more vulnerable to depression and likely to pass that “cognitive vulnerability” on to others.

College students in the study who lived with a roommate who experienced this kind of mental strain developed their own vulnerability and were more prone to depression. Those students who lived with people who tended to respond to stressful life events in a more positive way, were themselves more likely to respond more positively.

Because there is a profound exchange of energy when people meet, our energetic fields play off each other. When that energy flows equally between friends it leaves you feeling creative, loved, confident, encouraged. But, when one person draws from another it’s downright fatiguing. Our moods can reflect those energetic shifts often before we realize what is happening.

That’s why it’s important that we become aware of what is coming into our lives and protect against this kind of energy drain. On Wednesday, I’ll offer some tips you can use to do that.

But today, become aware of the energy you bring. Are you spreading vitality and light and positivity and joy – or something else? When you tap into your highest qualities of love and compassion, you also tap into your highest energy source and that bring good flowing energy to all of us.

 

 

Image by: Stock.xchng

How to Attract Synchronicity

Synchronicities – those meaningful connections that occur when our inner thoughts collide with our outer circumstances  – is a powerful way to move into flow in your life.

They can provide essential information – just the “right” book or person, for example, may suddenly come into your life to keep you headed toward your goal – and often they affirm when we are on track.

For me synchronicities are just cool, little reminders that I don’t need to figure out how the Universe works to have it working for me. They can be encouraging and fascinating moments of insight. Though, all this sounds a little woo-woo, you don’t have to be a psychic to have them show up in your life.

Synchronicities occur frequently, for all of us, but we often fail to notice or we cast them off as meaningless coincidences.

But, if you’re willing to open up to the possibility of synchronicity you can experience ripples of meaning throughout your life.

Here’s how to do it.

Become aware. Notice the happenings in your life. Pay attention, be mindful, and pick up on the textures and subtleties of each life experience. Until we slow down and appreciate the moments, we’ll miss the synchronicities within them — and just about everything else. When you are open and accepting to whatever appears, you are more likely to experience synchronistic moments that can infuse your experience with meaning.

Believe in the possibility. There is much we don’t  yet know about the Universe we live in. When we accept that and open up to this notion that anything is possible, our lives magically expand. To do this practice a flexible mindset where you move between the rigid, more analytical thought patterns to more a more abstract way of thinking.

Begin to feel. Synchronicities are often associated with times of high emotion, so pay attention to what it is you are feeling. Often we want to numb ourselves to the so-called negative emotions, but if we can experience them – just sit with them and get curious about where they are coming from — then we create movement and expansion and that is a breeding ground for synchronicity.

 

 

Three Ways To Strengthen Your Intuition

A few days ago I had the opportunity to talk with George Noory on Coast to Coast AM. What a fantastic experience. George is gracious and smart and the listeners bowled me over with their wisdom, curiosity and courage.

This week, we’ll continue the conversation that we started there, here, with posts on intuition and synchronicity.

We all have access to this kind of insight — to the meaningful coincidences and intuitive hits that can provide us all  information that will lead us into the next moment of our lives.

Yet sometimes it can be hard to believe. Trusting your inner guidance system can be a bit tricky for those of us — like me — who tend to reason things through and operate from our more analatyical minds. There is so much we miss if we stay locked in a rigid mindset. But, if we allow the brain to be a tool that we use to gain and process information, and  if we also operate from our heart and pay attention to those inner hunches, feelings and sensations we can gain valuable insights and answers. In those moments when we are aligned with our highest self through intuition and synchronicity, we are also reminded of the magic that still operates in this Universe and within it, infinite possibility for all of us. So, this week pay attention to those synchronicities and begin noticing how your intuition shows up for you.

You can strengthen it with practice. Here are a few intuition-honing tips that I suggest.

1. Ask. Access your intuitive insights by posing a question like: “What should I do next?” “Is this the right choice?” or others. Then, be open to any physical, emotional, environmental cues that you pick up. Intuition may appear through words, images, physical sensations – such as gut feelings – or even thoughts and ideas. Pay attention to what you experience after you ask.

2. Calm down, get quiet. It’s hard to get any clear message when your mind is buzzing and cluttered with thoughts, noise, or stresses. Turn off the iPod and the television. Go to a quiet place. Pause. Take a deep breath. Get quiet or try a short meditation and make space for insight. This way, when your gut feelings arrive you’ll be more aware of them.

3. Test it out and practice. The more you use your intuition, the stronger it gets. Next time you ask a question, or turn to it for insight, look for validation and pay attention to how it plays out. It’s best to try this in low risk situations as you develop your skills. Try to intuitively “guess” who’s calling the next time it rings. Or try to predict who might win the football game. Pay attention to the results you get and keep practicing.

 

 

 

Photo by: Stock.xchng

The Power of Synchronicity

Four years ago, I stood at the kitchen sink complaining about my job. The assignments I’d taken weren’t all that interesting to me. They were then, just a way to pay the bills. I was grateful for that sure,  but I was tired too of working so hard to complete the uninspiring work done during the  few hours of childcare I had each week. I was burned out.

“I wish I just had time to write my book,” I said to my husband, while rinsing dishes.

Within 24 hours I did have the time. Two editors left their posts, taking my assignments with them. Another cancelled the contract, and I dropped the last one when the editorial focus changed. Within 24 hours the work I had was gone.

I freaked out at first. After nearly 20 years in the business I’d never lost an assignment and now I had lost four. There would be no money coming from me that month. But, after the panic, I saw both mystery and meaning behind the shift and I got busy. The work I did then led to two books, Imperfect Spirituality and How to Reach Enlightenment.

It also created one of the most powerful experiences of synchronicity I’ve ever encountered.

What is Synchronicity

Synchronicity, first studied by Swiss psychologist Carl Jung, is defined as meaningful coincidence.

It’s a merging of your inner thoughts or feelings with an outer expression or happening. Without any apparent cause these two seemingly unrelated events your thoughts and the external event collide creating a synchronicity. You know what I’m talking about, it happens to all of us.

You think of a friend and moments later she calls you.

You ponder where the money will come from to make the car payment and you receive and unexpected check in the mail.

You investigate a new job opportunity, and around the same time your boss offers you a dream promotion.

No matter when or how it happens, synchronicity almost always prompts emotion (often it also comes out of a time of great emotion) and has great meaning to the person who experiences it. It makes life feel a little magical, and certainly more possible.

When you pay attention to the synchronicities that show up in your life, they can also serve as a guidance system that provides insight and direction about what to do next.

For example, when I lost all those magazine assignments right after saying I wanted to write a book, I was incredulous (awe is a powerful emotion). The experience was powerful and meaningful to me and I took it as a sign to get started.

The Power of Synchronicity

What are some of the synchronicities that have showed up in your life? What have you done with them?

Synchronicities are always powerful and fun reminders that we are not separate from the energy of the Universe at all, that our inner and outer lives are threaded together in ways we don’t fully know and understand. And, that’s o.k. we don’t have to know how it all works, we can just trust that it does.

We can go with the flow that synchronicity creates and trust that more will show up — if only you notice.

Next week, I’ll provide some tips that will help you lay the foundation for synchronicities to occur in your own life. Today, start by noticing any meaningful coincidences that come your way or reflect on a few from the past that have set you off on a different course.

 

The Gift of Humor — An Excerpt from Full Cup, Thirsty Spirit

I’m often struck by how great a gift it is to be able to laugh at ourselves and the predicaments we find ourselves in. I realize that this isn’t always possible. Sometimes when we’re most in need of humor, it sits outside the perimeter of what we can reach, which—in a sort of cruel way—can magnify our feelings of misery and overwhelm. At other times, however, we’re graced with the arrival of lightness and the capacity to use it as a way of working with the irritants and disappointments of everyday life.

In my book, “Full Cup, Thirsty Spirit,” I share an example of a day when such lightness arrived. My husband had been traveling and I had arranged for a sitter to have several hours of some much-needed alone time. I felt giddy as she arrived and I quickly oriented her to what she could serve my children for dinner. I scurried upstairs to my bedroom, where I had already laid out several poetry books, my journal, and a favorite pen. I fluffed up my buckwheat-filled meditation cushion and lit a candle.

“Ahhh,” I sighed.

I began my time by reading a passage from Rilke: “Go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows.”

I sat for several minutes, quieting the thoughts in my mind and allowing the invitation of Rilke’s words to sink into my awareness. I started to notice the rhythm of my breathing, and I felt a sense of calm arrive.

“Ahhh,” I sighed again.

I felt inspired to draw an image in my journal, and so I went to get some colored pencils from my office down the hallway. As I opened my bedroom door, I heard the words, “Well, maybe we should go get Mom and tell her.” And then I heard the sitter say, “No, I think it’s okay.”

Bless her, I thought, and I fought the impulse to go downstairs.

Don’t you dare, I said to myself. This is your time to be with Rilke and the place from which your life flows.

I got my colored pencils and walked back to my bedroom with resolve. As I closed the door I heard the sitter say, “Don’t worry, honey. I don’t think any of the eggs have hatched yet. . . . ”

I sat down on my cushion determined to stay calm and present with my journal and candle and breath. It was hard, however, not to feel haunted by her words.

Eggs? I thought. I made macaroni and cheese for dinner. Why is she talking about eggs?

My mind kept scanning its inner reference points to eggs, much as I tried to keep my attention on my breath. Soon, I was consumed with my puzzling to the point where I felt my forehead squint into a crease.

“Oh no!” I said out loud as I remembered noticing my son’s dry scalp that morning—how I had encouraged him to use some dandruff shampoo to see if it would help.

I blew out my candle flame and closed my journal, letting out much more of a moan than a sigh this time.

Needless to say, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was blow out that flame. I didn’t want to drive out to the drugstore, or to have conversations about lice, or to comb hair under bright lights. I wanted my time alone.

It helped me find some lightness in the situation when I started to wonder, Did Rilke ever have to deal with a case of head lice in his family? And how about the other contemplative saints throughout history? How about Thoreau on Walden Pond? I bet he never had to deal with such a thing. Somehow, letting my mind entertain these thoughts helped to make a disappointing situation a little less disappointing. It also helped me to appreciate what the evening did offer, which ended up being many sweet and amusing moments with my children.

When we bring a humorous lens to moments like this, not only does it make them more bearable, but it can also allow us to recognize that these types of disappointments and derailings are actually valuable spiritual practices in and of themselves. With a little lightness and humor, we’re able to see our attachments, just as we would in a meditation practice—and we also end up developing greater levels of flexibility, just as we might from attending a yoga class. Such moments highlight what a gift it is to be able to access humor.

 

Karen Horneffer-Ginter, Ph.D. is the author of  Full Cup, Thirsty Spirit: Nourishing the Soul When Life’s Just Too Much (Hay House).

She has been practicing psychology and teaching yoga and contemplative practices for more than 16 years. Karen co-founded the Center for Psychotherapy and Wellness in Kalamazoo, Michigan, where she currently offers counseling and other classes and workshops.

 

Three Ways to Feel Better When the World is Falling Apart

[image error]How do some people sail through adversity (o.k. no one really does, but some move through it more gracefully) while others get caught up in despair, negativity and drama?

The key is resilience – a set of characteristics that can be strengthened to help us cope with the icky stuff.

Research shows that those who emerge from extreme adversity — such as prisoners of war and victims of abuse and trauma — to live healthy and happy lives, aren’t immune to bad feelings and despair, but they experience a broader palette of emotions rather than ruminating or dwelling on only the negative ones. They can find meaning even in the darkness and they draw on other strengths to foster their resilient nature.

You can too. Here are three things to build on:

1. Look for the meaning. Go after it. Each moment holds something bigger for us. A gift, a lesson, a laugh, a chance for connection or perspective or insight. It’s easy to get down and discouraged – everybody can do that – but challenge yourself to find the gift within the difficulty. The simple act of doing that elevates your emotions and makes it easier to move into a cycle of positive emotion rather than dwelling on the negative.

2. Laugh at the madness (and anything else that strikes you). When I had surgery to remove lymph nodes that would determine whether my melanoma had spread, I wore bright yellow, heinous looking Crocs. I love them, sure, but they aren’t the sign of a fashionista. Hospital staff told me to wear slip on, non-slip shoes because I’d be in and out of them a lot. The clown-like Crocs cracked me up throughout the day. Find the absurdity and the funny and the joy that is present even in the most difficult moments.

3. Love in the moment. The day my grandmother died, I remember being amazed that the guy in the car next to me at the red light could laugh and sing to whatever was blaring from the speakers. I was incredulous that I could be hurting so much, feeling such loss, and yet the Earth was still rotating and working for just about everyone else. But it reassured me too.

Here’s the thing: It’s not all about you. No matter how crushing your circumstance, there are others out there experiencing joy and despair even deeper than yours. Tap into your humanity, reach out to others. Help them, love them, treat them with compassion and kindness, even when you are hurting. Do something for others and your pain will shift just a bit. We are not alone even if we are feeling isolated by our experience. When we realize we are a part of this vast collection of humanity, we draw strength. When we connect through compassion and altruism, our physical stress response slows and we feel better. When we do a good deed, we are flooded with positive emotion. This can bolster resilience.

You don’t need to make this hard. If you feel as though you have little left to give in the moment, a simple thank you to the person holding your hand, or a love note to someone you care about can make a difference to both of you.

The muck and messiness of life is gonna come – it will hit all of us. But, you’ve got the resilience to get through it and these tips are a few of the things that can help.

 

 

Photo by: Stock.xchng

Choose a New Perspective and Resilience Follows

Are you a worry wart? Do you spend time wishing and worrying over things that haven’t even happened yet? Preparing for the worst? Ruminating about what might come to pass?

Give it up. Instead, accept that there will be trying times and leave the worry behind.

The worst is going to come, people. If you haven’t felt it yet, get ready because few of us escape this life unscathed. How’s that for an inspiring pick-me-up? Well, hold on. It gets better, I promise.

Once you get clear that there will be some moments in your life that you would rather not experience, the whole thing becomes easier. You no longer have to fret. You no longer have to hold tight, to buffer yourself against pain in disappointment. Instead, you can live fully the moments you have and spend time honing the resilient nature that will help you through the moments to come. With resilience you  know that no matter what shows up, you can handle it and even find the meaning in the madness.

Can you subscribe to this belief? Research shows that people who simply believe they are resilient, become more so. They look at the world more optimistically, find meaning, and take action.

But work by Barbara Fredrickson, resilience and positive psychology expert, shows that even non-resilient people can boost their resilient nature by simply changing their perspective.

Looking for the opportunity

How do you look at the moments in your life? When facing a daunting situation do you view it as an opportunity, a challenge, an experience to be had, or do you find it devastating, problematic, unlucky, or a threat to your health and well-being?

In her research Fredrickson discovered that even those people who scored low on the scale of resilience (we are all resilient but to varying degrees) but who viewed a difficult circumstance as an opportunity did better than those who looked at it from a more negative perspective.

When you can approach the difficulty as a challenge or hidden opportunity, then there are no setbacks. You may not like all the things that occur. You may be hurt, confused, angry. You may even think about quitting. But, these things that seem to throw us off course, so entirely, simply provide the information we need to go forward in a better way. Everything then is an opportunity and that gives even the most difficult moments  meaning.

Meaning is another quality shared among those who are most resilient.

Of course, this doesn’t take away the pain when crap happens. Resilient people get anxious and frustrated and pissed off. In fact, they experience a range of positive and negative emotions, according to the Bigwigs like Fredrickson and researcher James Pennebaker. But, they don’t get hung up in the negative ones. They let go of the bad feelings faster and make room for more feelings of happiness, curiosity, optimism.

On Monday, I’ll offer a few things you can do to trigger your resilient nature. For now, just know you’ve got one. You are resilient. Look at challenges you’ve faced – big and small – in your own life and notice that you’re still standing. You’ve come through them. Once you see that you can handle whatever comes you’re way, it becomes easier to do it.