Polly Campbell's Blog, page 34

Fulfill your desires by living close to your values

Can a clean house really contribute to a meaningful life and the happiness that comes from that? Sure can, but it all depends on what you value and how you fulfill those values.

Plenty of science supports the Bigwigs who say our deepest sense of happiness comes from living a values-based life. This means that we are happier when we live in alignment with the values that give our lives meaning. And, our desires help us do that.

Seems straightforward. You know what you value. You desire the things that help you live close to those values and when those desires are fulfilled – you are, waa laa, happy.

But, here’s the thing: I don’t think a lot of people know what they truly value anymore. And I think we’ve been taught that to desire anything, is selfish and wrong.

Our values are clearly influenced by our life experiences, how we feel and also how we were raised. They are influenced by our sense of right and wrong; our education and beliefs; by what our parents say; and by how we behave when life gets messy.

And, like anything, they can become outdated. We can outgrow our values as we change and grow. And, without even knowing it we lose sight of the values that truly guide our lives. When we don’t know what we value;  or when we act out  of alignment with our values, we feel off balance. Stuck. Out of sorts. Confused. And, to get technical, icky.

When you know what you value, you’re more likely to know what you want and need. Then, you can pursue those desires. The process – your life – becomes creative, energizing, inspiring. It becomes infused with purpose, meaning, and joy – even when you’re experiencing struggle.

Here is how you can uncover your values and desires.

>>Answer this one question. What matters most to me? There are no wrong answers. Don’t judge yourself. Just answer the question, on paper. Honestly. It’s about getting clear. And really seeing the life you’re creating as compared to the life you want to create. Value money more than your health, write it down. Value fun more than work. Make a note. This is about awareness.

>>Rank the things you wrote. Put a number one by the thing you value most today. Recognize that while your core values are likely to remain the same, their ranking may change from time to time. If you rank your health #5 on the list, for example, and then you’re doc says you need to lower your cholesterol, your health value may shoot to numero uno.

>>Now, evaluate how you support your top five. List a couple of the things you will do today to live in alignment with those values.

My family holds the second spot, behind my health. In keeping with that value we had a family dinner last night and I made lunch for my husband. I worked out and ate a salad for lunch in keeping with my number one health value.

Seem selfish to put my physical health in the first slot? Maybe. But, I realized real quick during a cancer scare that I couldn’t care for my family, do my work, or inspire others (according to my other values) in the best way if my physical body weren’t strong and healthy.

>>Leave room for variety. This isn’t about absolutes. And the way your values and desires play out in your life will shift and fluctuate as your life changes. There are myriad ways to live in alignment. But too often we say one thing when we’re doing another because we are unaware of what we are really doing. We are unconscious. We say we value our work, but gripe about it when we’re on the job. We value family, but spend more time at work than anywhere else. We say we value our health, but choose to eat foods that make us fat.

I still eat a hamburger from time to time,  just not as often as I used to before balance and health became among my top values.

Be open minded and aware of all the creative ways you can pursue your desires AND live in alignment with those values.

>>Know the why. You’re more likely to get what you desire when you know why you desire it. Want more money? Why? Perhaps it’s because of the freedom and relief wealth will offer you – that is the why and freedom is the value behind the desire.

Want to lose weight? Why? Maybe because you believe a healthy body will help you live longer so that you can support your family and go on the adventures you desire. Perhaps then health and vitality is the value behind the desire for weight loss. Knowing the why behind what you want will supercharge your efforts to get there.

What do you value? What matters to you? What do you want? If you’re no longer sure sit down and run through the exercises above. When your desires and values align not only will your life take on greater meaning and joy, but you will soar toward your greatest desires, dreams and wishes. And en route, you’re likely to connect with your greatest purpose.

For more on Living a Values Driven Life read Imperfect Spirituality; Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People

Photo by: Stock.xchng 

Post originally ran  in June 2012

Close the ‘Gap’ Between Values and Desires For a Better Life

Several times a day my daughter Sweet P will be in her bedroom at the end of the hall and it is in this moment, when she’s as far away as possible from me, that she will decide she wants to have a conversation.

So, she’ll start hollering. “M-aaa-mmm-aaaaaaa. M-aaa-mm-aaaaa!”

Being the mother that I am, I will holler back: “STOOOPPPPP YELLLLINNNGGGG.”

This will go on a few more seconds before she comes out to talk to me. Of course it drives me crazy, her hollering from the back room. But the irony – that I’m yelling to get her to stop yelling – is not lost on me. And it’s only been since I stopped hollering back, that the scenario has changed. When I started behaving in a way that is congruent with what I say, things changed for the better.

The same thing can happen between our values and how we live with them at work, at home, in our communities and within ourselves. When we are not living our values we create a gap that undermines our potential and, to get technical, leaves us feeling icky.

Bridging the Gap

In her fabulous new book Daring Greatly, Brene’ Brown talks about the gaps between what we practice and what we aspire to. She calls the gap “the disengagement divide”

When there is a significant gap between what we practice and what we say we practice, a difference between how we live and how we aspire to live, people check out. We become uninterested, disengage. We turn toward apathy, which is a killer. As the gap grows into a psychic Grand Canyon, we disconnect, stop participating, lose our passion and life becomes blah and uninspired.

When you narrow that gap, though, and live close to the values you profess, you tend to feel more creative, inspired, connected, engaged. Of course, as Brown points out in her book, you are also more vulnerable and that can be freaking scary, but isn’t living in the blah zone a scary prospect too?

From this gray place of disengagement and disconnection there never really is any joy.  You are prone to live a fuzzy black and white version of your life instead of a high-definition one filled with bold colors.

Happiness is a By-product of Bold Living

In my book Imperfect Spirituality, I talk about living in alignment with the values that you aspire to. While happiness is usually fleeting, the result of a  fantastic moment or event, sustained happiness occurs when we know what we value and we engage in life in a way that supports that.

Researcher Steven Reiss studied this extensively and found that values-based happiness emerges when we derive satisfaction from behaving in way that is congruent with our values and purpose.

Yet, in order to do that, or even come close to it, we have to know where we stand now; to know what matters and find the courage to honestly evaluate how we are living now.

Then, we can close the gap between what we practice and what we aspire to and open the door to our greatest possibility. Only then do we become fully engaged in our own life.

 

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Chew With Your Mouth Closed and Other Must-Have Manners

I’m big on manners around here. Part of it is that people-pleaser, first-born status I have internalized. But, the bigger part is that I just prefer to talk to people when I’m not seeing the chicken teriyaki they are chewing churning around by their canines. I think manners strengthen social bonds, help us be understood, show gratitude and appreciation and help us all get along. When we are acting politely with each other, all the other stuff moves away and we can connect more deeply.

Life gets easier when we treat each other with common courtesy. But, not all courtesies are treated equal and I think there are four biggies – manners that you shouldn’t live without – worth cultivating and practicing.

Four Must-Have Manners

 1. Make eye contact. Please, if you have something to say, look at me. Look me in the eye. Be with me. Be seen and validate that I am there listening. This is a toughy for many people and it’s one that must be taught and practiced, but do it, because this is how we connect to each other. It’s shows respect, that you are seeing the other and willing to be there with them.

2. Say please and thank you. Basic, sure, but not done enough. Don’t just let these phrases roll of your tongue after you’ve turned to haul your groceries to the car. Pause, look at the person in the eye and say “thank you.” If you need something, then stop, look again and say “please.” Do this often and always. Even in your families. It’s easy to take each other for granted, but when my husband says “thank you” for the meal I’ve cooked, I feel appreciated and good. And, please don’t forget to send a “thank you” note. If someone does something that touches you, gives you a gift, helps out drop a note, let them know. The gesture will make both of you feel good and when that happens you’re likely to forge a deeper connection.

3. Don’t interrupt. Well, you all know, this isn’t my strong suit. I get a notion and I tend to blurt it out even when others are talking. Rude behavior. Disrespectful. I’m working on it daily. Not kidding. It’s a powerful thing to be seen and heard by another. Grant the courtesy. Let others know that you value them and their time. Listen actively.

4. When you are chewing, don’t talk, when you are talking don’t chew. Seriously, people. I don’t need to see what you are eating and I certainly don’t need it to inadvertently to fly my way mid-chomp. Chew with your mouth closed. Put your napkin in your lap, your elbows off the table and practice those table manners. You’re more likely to be invited out and you’re showing respect for the people who are at the table with you.

Why It’s Good to Mind Your Manners

When Michelle Obama was heckled at a luncheon a couple of weeks ago, my initial reaction was “Geez. How rude.”

Heck, I don’t care if you like or despise Mrs. Obama. It matters not what side of the political fence you walk. We can debate, disagree even. But, we shall not shout out another person. That is just downright impolite. And, it’s unlikely you’ll be heard anyway.

Behave yourself, you’re more likely to get your message across because people listen to those who are acting with dignity and respect. Chew with your mouth closed, you’re more likely to get an invite to a fancy restaurant. Say please and thank you and people are going to be willing to help you more.

Like it or not, good manners matter. They give us some social structure, some rules to follow so we can relate and  give order to our interactions.

But, it’s bigger than that. Good manners are a way of acknowledging and respecting others. When you hold the door open, say thank you, listen without interruption, look someone in the eye, you are indicating that you see them, you are validating their presence and experience. Through your politeness you are acknowledging the efforts of another and showing that you are secure enough with yourself to respect and act kindly toward others.

Manners Make Life Easier

The way we treat each others in this world is an indication of how well we get along in our own life. My job as a parent is to help my daughter live a positive, safe, healthy, happy, self-reliant life. And, it’s clear, that polite people, respectful people, those that don’t interrupt or spit food when they talk,  do better than those who flash a foody smile to their table mates.

My own manners have improved a whole lot by living with a 7-year-old. As I remind her to say please and thank you; to look others in the eye, to use a fork, not fingers, she’s reminding me of the things I need to improve on. Don’t interrupt, mommy, no elbows on the table.

No doubt, things became a bit slack around here pre-kid. But, now it’s clearer than ever before how important it is to treat everyone – especially the people you live with,  with courtesy.

Manners make life easier. People respond better to those who say “please.” You’re more apt to get help, jobs, gifts, opportunities, attention,  if you are polite. And, your relationships will become deeper. People will feel more comfortable with you, safer, because they can trust  that you won’t ambush them with bad behavior. Instead, you’ll abide respect the relationship by following some simple rules.

Because of these things, good manners contribute to our success, self-confidence, and self-sufficiency, according etiquette experts including Emily Post. Good manners also provide an exit strategy. When something goes awry, you can with dignity and courtesy get yourself the heck out of the situation without falling into irrational yelling (well, sometimes) food throwing, or flustered acquiescence.

All manners are not treated equally, though. Is it really the end of the world if you use your salad fork on the entrée? Probably not, but there are a few biggies that are essential to every day life. On Wednesday, I’ll tell you what they are for me.

Which manners do you think matter most?

 

Three Ways to Live a Compassionate Life

Compassion is a choice you can make it at any time. It requires no special schooling, no extra time or money, nada but awareness and a decision to lead with love.

And, while you think you are acting with compassion to help someone else – and it certainly will help them – compassion is really more about you and how close you want to live to your heart. In the end your compassionate action says more about you than the person receiving it, but it is the one thing that will change both of us.

It isn’t always easy for sure. Often the most difficult people are the ones that need our compassion the most. They have hurt us, taken advantage. In our anger or hurt or frustration, we don’t feel like giving them anything at all.

It’s easy to feel as though they don’t deserve it, the goodness we have to share. But when we believe that we separate a little from our highest selves and move closer to the side that is in the clutches of Ego. This is where fear lurks, anger, desperation.

When we cannot offer compassion, we limit ourselves more than the other guy. We dim a bit, become less creative, more reactive and worried and caught up in what others have done instead of what we can do.

There is plenty that goes wrong in this world. Lots of pain and problems. People inadvertently make big mistakes or intentionally choose behavior that harms others. There are consequences to pay for this stuff – and there should be. You do not need to hang out with those that hurt you, but even as you are putting your personal boundaries in place, you can release judgment and offer compassion.

Then, real change is possible. Judgment keeps us comparing and angry. Compassion is the way out.

In the end, it isn’t whether someone deserves your compassion or not. It’s a matter of whether you are confident and courageous enough to offer it.

Here are three ways you can.

1. Lead with your heart. Don’t overthink things with that brain of yours. You don’t have to judge or analyze every situation. But every situation provides you the opportunity to move closer to your values, to align with your highest self and live with peace and love, creativity and compassion. By our very nature, we feel better and more expansive when we are offering grace – even when people have blown it. Stay close to your true nature; operate from your highest self. This about how you want to be in the world. It is not dependent on what others have done.

2. Root yourself in responsibility and connection. We all must answer to our mistakes. To be accountable for our lives and face the consequences, but there can also be compassion in those moments. When you can afford another the freedom to move through their difficult circumstance, not by excusing it, or supporting it, or taking it over, or easing the load, but just by being there with compassion rather than judgment you will feel better too.

3. Turn on the empathy. When you fall into judgment of another, pause and put yourself in their shoes Imagine their shame and suffering. Imagine their fear, what it must be like to endure the embarrassment. We’ve all done the wrong thing. We’ve all hurt someone with our words or actions.

Compassion does not excuse the bad behavior; it simply moves you closer to your highest self, the place where goodness and learning can come from the bad.

We have all felt not enough. We have been the victims of jokes or snarky comments. We have all been judged, just as we have judged. We have all made mistakes.

Don’t create more by becoming self-righteous, or removed. Don’t add to the pain by thinking you are better than all that. Be brave enough to be empathetic. Even if you can’t rationalize the actions of others, you too know what it is like to suffer and hurt. You can empathize with that. Do that and compassion will come.

 

 

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Compassion Not Condemnation Could Help Us All in Deen Debacle

In the last couple of weeks we’ve watched celebrity chef Paula Deen’s public image melt down faster than butter in a fry pan.

She’s being held accountable for the racist words and phrases she used in the past. It was a long time ago, she says. But she admits to using them just the same and the words she chose have always and only been used as a way of separating and judging and demeaning other people. She made a mega-mistake, one that goes to her heart and beliefs, not only her behavior.

But this isn’t a post about Paula Deen: it’s about all of us and what we do now.

Words are powerful and we must be accountable for what we say, no matter when we say it. I want to be clear on that.

But here is where the compassion rises. We all make mistakes. Many are huge and painful and embarrassing. And there are consequences. There should be. The vulnerable must be protected, and justice must take its course. There are penalties for being a discriminating stupid-head.

But, let us remember too, our humanity. We must — or we ourselves become what we despise in others. If we use our words to disparage and hurt Deen, or anyone else – our kids, or spouses, or people of different ethnicities or religions or neighborhoods, we are guilty of the same errors she’s answering for. If, instead, we remember who we are and operate first from compassion, then we won’t repeat the mistakes of hate and discrimination.

Nor, will we get all judgy and self-righteous. I’m hoping here, that instead of judging Deen, those of us who have said stupid, wrong, hurtful things (me included) can move into a place of greater awareness and compassion. Then maybe we can stop this stuff — this practice of separation through our speech and behavior — and move into a place of connection.

It becomes an inside out exercise that starts when we look first at our own lives; our beliefs, experiences, and errors. Then we can start asking questions, and listening to each other and talking to our kids and becoming vulnerable and open. From here we become aware of the words we choose, the way we talk to each other. We become responsible for our lives and the joy and hurt we cause. And, we can get clear that our differences are also the things that make our families and neighborhoods, schools and corporations, and nations, work.

When we become clear and open to learning in our own lives, hate can’t survive. When we stop judging and start talking in an open-hearted way we start liking and learning about each other a little more, we start hanging out, we discover empathy. Then using our words to hurt each other becomes unthinkable. Instead, we use them to inspire and uplift each other.

So, don’t judge Deen, she’ll be held accountable through corporate America and the legal system defending those she has wronged. But let us learn from her and then take care of our own business. Because this is how change, real change, starts – and ends. When we get real about our own actions, when we align what we say with what we do, compassion comes next.

Compassion breeds dialogue, patience, tolerance and kindness. No question, we are still going to make mistakes. Some will be painful. But, here’s hoping that when we do screw it up, we will be courageous enough to be accountable, strong enough to learn, and loved enough to be met with compassion. When we can do that for each other, we can grow through these moments into something better.

Three Rules of Good Gossip

Gossip is a way of connecting with others and preserving social order, say the anthropologists and evolutionary psychologists who study this stuff. It’s a way of conveying information, developing alliances, strengthening friendships. But it can also be a devastating way to spread false rumor, demean another’s character, hurt someone you don’t like.

There is a fine line between helpful gossip and the kind that is hurtful. So, if you are going to talk about others – and you know that you are — follow a few of these rules to maintain your own integrity and do no harm.

Get curious, not judgmental. At one time or another we all exhibit bad behavior. Or we screw it up, make a mistake, make a poor choice. When we do, it’ likely others won’t understand because they won’t know our background or the events leading up to the circumstance. Remember this when you hear a gossipy tidbit about someone. Before you judge, get curious and compassionate. If you learn something you don’t like, fine, you don’t have to be buddies with the individual, but you don’t have to be judgmental either.

Don’t yield secrets. If someone shares with you in confidence, keep the news quiet. This has more to do with your character – the person you want to be – than the juicy news another has shared. Don’t breach confidences. If you do, you are proving yourself to be untrustworthy and unreliable. Not only does that feel icky, it also makes you a prime target for water cooler gossip.

Focus on the info that can help. Don’t repeat a bunch of sordid personal stuff about another’s character. Often it’s not true anyhow, because rarely do we have the whole story. But, if there is something you know that can keep others from getting hurt that  gossip may be worth sharing. In this case, stick to the facts of your experience – she didn’t follow through with me, she lied about an incident, she never paid me back – as a warning to others. That is when psychologists say gossip is both helpful and effective for preserving social order.

 

Protective Gossip Builds Social Bonds — If You Are Careful

We are taught, long before the mean girls start jawing in middle school, that it isn’t nice to talk about others.

Course, it isn’t nice for others to talk about you behind your back either, but did you see that dress Jennifer Lopez wearing? Seriously.

One time or another we all fall into gossip mode – and yes, that guy at work is sleeping with the boss.

But, not all gossip –  the practice of talking (often in a less-than-favorable way) about others who aren’t there –  is shallow and snarky. It can actually serve a greater social purpose.

Studies from Harvard University and University of California, Berkeley, among others, indicate that gossip is a way to strengthen friendships. It helps us learn about and connect to others. It preserves some social order and can protect us from being scammed or exploited by others.

Those are good things. Passing on lies or demeaning someone’s character just because you are ticked – not so good. Disparaging your neighbor simply to create a connection with the in-crowd isn’t the kind of social order I’m talking about.

Truthful sharing can ease stress

But, if you are sharing truthful, behind-the-scenes information about an individual who personally hurt or impacted you – maybe someone who doesn’t pay off debts or someone who doesn’t keep their word,  that is what psychologists call pro-social behavior; gossip that connects and protects.  Twittering about the woman who just had a boob job = snarky.

When we talk with others about someone who has cheated or behaved in an “immoral” way, according to Berkeley researchers, we feel better. In the research, when people observed another doing wrong, their heart rates went up. When they were able to warn others about the the bad behavior before they got scammed, their heartbeat was regulated, the stress eased.

But the line between good gossip vs. bad gossip – gossip that can support community or gossip that can tear it apart – is easy to cross if you are not aware.

Bottom line: It’s probably best to mind your own business – as I tell my daughter. But, if you are going to gossip, which you probably are since it is clearly a part of our social structure — it’s best to follow some simple rules to insure that gossip is more helpful than hurtful. I’ll lay’em out Wednesday.

 

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Generosity begins with the energy you bring

“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.”

–Author Unknown

Love this. Makes me think about how connected we all are. Makes me think about my responsibility to you and yours to me not in an overwhelming, sacrificial sort of way but in a we-are-all-in-this-together-and-that-could-be-fun way. I want to leave something good behind, for you and for me. I know that whatever I give out I will get back. I want to bring the good stuff and give it away.

What are you leaving behind? What are you sending out into the world? We are all affected, shaped, guide, influenced by the circumstances and people and things and experiences that come into our lives. And, we have a hand in shaping the experiences of others. If you yell at a telemarketer or flash the finger to a aggressive driver, you can’t tell me that doesn’t shape their day. And, with that energy, they go forward and shape the day for someone else.

We create our life experience by how we react to the things that come our way AND also by the stuff we cast out.

When you think about giving then, think first about the kind that doesn’t cost anything, doesn’t require more time. Start with the kind that requires you to become consciously aware of the energy you bring.

Wanna make a difference in the world? Start by becoming conscious of the energy you are exuding. Then, notice what comes back. Become conscious to what you radiate. Because it doesn’t matter how much money you give to the orphans of the world if you come home griping and angry at your own child the minute you walk in the door.

By radiating the energy of love and compassion and joy, you cause a shift that leaves all of us feeling better.

Bring the best energy you have. Start giving there. Leave behind something good.

Photo by Stock.xchng

This post originally ran in 2011.

The Energy You Offer Can Help or Hurt Others

A former teacher of mine died a couple of weeks ago. I hadn’t seen her for years. She wasn’t part of my daily life. She wasn’t even my classroom instructor – she was a curriculum type, a school counselor for awhile, and our paths crossed through various classes and programs starting when I was in elementary school.

After that, I’d see her, maybe, at the annual pancake feed.

Still she made a huge impression on me. Now, as I’m thinking about her, I’m also combing through my memory and emotions, just trying to figure out why.

I am fortunate to have had many positive influences in my life. Many people who made a difference, but what was it Mrs. Riggan brought that still causes me to think about her 35 years later?

She was wise, no doubt about it, but I was six or seven when I met her first and I’m sure I didn’t care much about which grown- ups were wise or not. She dressed super fancy and lacey and pink and I’m definitively not a lacey and pink kinda gal. She always smelled really good, though.

But, here is what it is, that one quality, the difference maker: Mrs. Riggan thought I was AWESOME.

Or at least I felt like she thought I was awesome.

Every time we talked, I felt like I was the most important person – not just a little kid —  on the planet. She listened to me. She acted on my concerns, didn’t talk me out of my opinions. And, in several unique situations, one where I represented the school before a legislative committee, she coached me, but never took over. She never spoke for me. But, she stood with me and let me stand on my own. She allowed me to speak for myself. Sink or swim.

She never doubted my dream. I was clear early on that I wanted to be a writer. She nodded her head when I told her like she’d known it all along, like it made perfect sense, like she never had any doubt that I would one day make it happen.

I like to think she behaved this way because I was special – but I know now, it’s really because she was. She was the special one. She was the one who paid careful attention to the energy she gave to others. She used her words and behaviors to support, not to disparage. She was the one who listened and offered kindness.  She did this for people and animals. She brought this loving energy to every creature.

What energy are you giving off?

Countless times a day, we have an opportunity to touch others. We can love and inspire and support them with our words and energy and behaviors and perhaps remind them of who they are, of their greatness, their fabulousness. Or we can criticize and demean. Either way we make a difference. Either way, when we come into contact with one another, the balance shifts and the energy changes and the world is altered.

This happens whether we are conscious of it or not. We change the world by the energy we bring. It happens – always. It’s unavoidable.

So, let’s make sure the energy we bring is the good stuff. Let’s make sure that the change we make is positive. Let us be loving and compassionate. Let us be kind.

Let us be more like Mrs. Riggan and leave everyone we touch feeling like they too are awesome. Maybe then they’ll see it in themselves.

This is what Mrs. Riggan did for me and the others she touched.

A few others have done this too. And, when I come into orbit with those people and that energy I marvel at how good I feel about myself and I thank them for giving the gift of their best energy. Then, I try to share mine.

What about you? Who has touched your life by sharing the good stuff and how are you sharing that with others? On Wednesday, I’ll offer up some tips we can use to share our positive energy with others.