Rhyll Biest's Blog, page 8

August 18 is... Bad Poetry Day

There are those who walk among us for whom the old adage rings true: Just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should. This International Bad Poetry Day, celebrate the creative genius that seems to have bypassed these plucky little wordsmiths.

Revel in the poetry of the Thighmistress (Suzanne Somers) and her exploration of organic cuisine and aggressive protein. Then go clean up that unfortunate stain that Jim Morrison would have left after sacrificing his cock on the altar of silence. Finally, fan yourself after reading Joyce Kilmer’s twelve lines of rhyming couplets of iambic tetrameter verse about a tree getting freaky on the boobs of Mother Earth.

So, poets of the world, don’t you let a little thing like complete lack of ability stop you from pumping out that literary toilet paper! Today is your day! 

 

Some bad ninja poetry

my love is a microwave oven,

it heats from the inside,

i pierce your wrapping with a fork

then warm you with my desire

for five minutes on setting number nine.

 

More bad ninja poetry

A Merkin made of gold,

Hides the  snizz, not so bold,

To vajazzle your mimsy,

Is to partake in glorious whimsy.

August 15 is…Men’s Grooming Day

Let’s face it, men have come a long way from the dishevelled, hairy, ball-crunching short-shorts-wearing hipsters of the seventies. Back then it wasn’t camel toe, so much as the entire hoof. But now here they are exfoliated, moisturised, mani-pedi hunks of masculinity. Some are even thoughtful enough to participate in ‘manscaping’ so that we don’t have to look at genitals so overrun by public hair that a man has no hope of finding that snake in his garden. And god bless the man who goes the extra mile and ‘penazzles’ himself.

August 10 is… Duran Duran Day

Time travel me back to 1984 and I would have been wetting my pants in excitement today, because, like most teenage girls with braces and tipped hair, I was going to marry John Taylor, or Simon Le Bon (but it would only have been to make John jealous.) Come on you 80s chicksters, get your tube skirt and crop tops on, fling on a pair of earrings big enough to be mistaken for a satellite planet orbiting your head, turn the lights off and glow in the dark as you bop away to the sounds of every girl’s wet dream.

August 9 is… Booklovers day

Can’t walk into a bookstore without taking out a second mortgage? Do you find yourself saying “I’ll just read to the end of the chapter” and all of a sudden it’s 3am and your eyes are about to leap from their sockets? Does it appear that your bookshelves have started mating and their offspring are building a book fort on the floor of your study? There is a name for this condition: you, my dearies, are book lovers. Happily, there’s no cure for this affliction – the only known treatment is the further purchase and consumption of reading material! I’ll be celebrating this International Book Lovers’ Day by 1-Clicking my Amazon credit into extinction and laying a sacrifice at the altar of the Book Depository gods. How will you celebrate?

August 8 is... International Orgasm Day

An orgasm is the greatest celebration of life. It's one of the best experiences you can have, and we should be celebrating every time we have one...but I'll settle for an international celebration once a year!

Don't let your orgasm be minor. Let it be major. Let it scream through your body with power and pleasure. Let it take you to places colourful, dark, deep, high, scary, euphoric, incredible. Don't be scared to let go. Do a Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally - make others want what you're having. On International Orgasm Day, make sure you celebrate loud and proud.

And, just so you know, a pig’s orgasm can last 30 minutes, and when a male drone bees mate with the Queen bee, his genitals snap off and explode during orgasm. Ouch!

August 5 is… Underwear Day

Undies have a hard life. They spend all their time getting up close and personal with your genitals, getting caught in crack or falling into camel toe, they are on the front line of the fart and occasionally get assaulted with ‘fart art’ or the ‘shart’, leaving an indelible mark that doesn’t always come out in the wash. So, today, on Underwear Day, spare a thought for your loyal, hard working undies.

August is...golf month

August is Golf Month. Yes. Month. Most things get a ‘day’ named after them, unless it’s Chinese and it’s an animal, in which case it gets an entire year. Is it any wonder golf is royally up itself? Golf has rules, dress codes, course etiquette. Most clubs even make you pay a fee just to nominate to become a member.

Up itself? Royally. And why? It’s the seediest-sounding sport around. Golf is rife with balls, shafts, members, irons, woods, wedges, grips, and holes-in-one. People play foursomes, four-ball, best ball, and pairs. You can win prizes for longest drive, longest putt, and nearest the pin at golf, and they don’t mean by pulling up your bar stool nearest the lady golfer with the best legs.

If you think about it long enough, golf starts to read like a cross between Pulp Fiction and Pin The Tail On The Donkey. (A donkey with a set of balls that each has 336 dimples).

So how will you celebrate National Golf Month?

On August 1, the Beanie Queen intends to pull out her treasured photos of Aussie golfer, James Nitties, (the older ones where he looked like Vin Diesel.) Thus suitably enthused, she will head to the nearest golf course, and see if she remembers how to swing. And who gives a flying four-ball if she doesn’t cream it on day one? She has the entire month to practice.

July 30 is...Paperback Book Day

Sniff, sniff, sniff. Ahhh, the smell of book paper and binding. What are the top ten reasons people choose paper over e-book? The Digital Reader provides this handy infographic (below) that explains all.

Winner of the newsletter subscriber prize for July

Ali gets to wear the 'winner' hat

And the winner of our monthly newsletter subscriber prize in July is…Ali Morris. Woot!

Ali's prize is a copy of Hindsight written by ninja Sarah ‘Sizzling Yoga Pants’ Belle.

And if you haven't subscribed yet, whaddya waitin' for? Not only do newsletter subscribers go in the draw for monthly prizes, but they get advance notice of competitions, deals, releases and new posts. And they get all our earthy, slightly sweaty ninja love...

Plus, with releases by Sandra Antonelli, Cate Ellink and Sarah Belle coming up in August and September, there will be some wicked new releases just waiting to be won by newsletter subscribers in the next few months. Oh, yes, just you wait and see...

July 23-27 is…

Rollercon in Las Vegas. Rollercon is where a few thousand skaters gather in Las Vegas to raise some hell and get their skate on. The Lady Biest lacks the balance, coordination and bone density to skate, but she sure loves derby names such as Doogie FoulzHer, Goldy Blocks, HP Shovecraft, Pain Goodall, Punani Tsunami. And don’t miss our June Naughty Ninja interview with a derby queen.