Suzanne Falter's Blog, page 6

How to Get the Help You Truly Need

Recently in my Facebook Group, I asked what I thought was a simple question: Are you getting the help you need? Who would you ask?

 

Turns out a LOT of women need a lot of help! Within 1 hour 1500 women had seen this question, and dozens had replied. And nearly every one said the same thing—no, they don’t get any help. Furthermore, they told me, there’s no point in asking.

If they did ask, they’d just get a big fat NO.

The response that there wasn’t enough help and there never would be took me aback. So I put together a little cheat sheet on how to ask for help and actually get it. Because when you ask for help and get it, an entire world of possibilities opens up.

For one thing, when you get enough help you finally have enough time for self-care. So to that end, here are steps to lead you towards getting the help you need, in this case, around the house. Yet, with a few slight modifications, these steps can be applied in any situation.

First, change your thinking about getting help. Many of us truly believe we simply can’t change the way things are. We think we can’t ask others for help—that as one commenter put it, ‘there’s too much drama around asking for help.’ We simply believe it isn’t possible.

And as long as we believe that… it’s not.

Stop thinking others should ‘know’ they need to help. Some of us believe others should read our minds and simply ‘know’ we need help. Truth: No one can read a mind. And no one may realize you need help unless you ask for it. And some of our family members walk around in happy denial that help is needed.
This is when making a well-placed request is a good idea. It can be a process. See #5.Get clear on exactly what help you need. Knowing what you need can be tough– especially if we’re overwhelmed. Then the entire mess of demands smushes together into  a big, ominous blob you can’t begin to take apart. Break it down, area by area. Do you need help at work? At home? With your physical health? Your mental health?

If you’re not sure how to do this, create some quiet time. (Even that might be a challenge… but do this. It will help.) Then journal on or ponder this question: What’s bothering me?

As you get clear on where different bothers are, your needs will naturally surface. So write them down. Then start to think about where you can get the help to meet those needs. It might be a therapist–or it might be asking for more help at work, or around the house to free up a little precious time.

Make specific, measurable requests. If you want help doing the dishes, for instance, ask for it from specific family members. Don’t rant. Don’t be intense or rude, and don’t be a victim. Just say what you need, coolly and calmly. “Honey, please do the dishes tonight.” Don’t fall into the trap of hysterically demanding general non-specific help. As in ‘No one lifts a finger to help me in this damn house!’.

That’s our mother’s model, and it doesn’t work. (Does this ring a bell? Remember how you used to tune out Ranting Crazy Mom?)

Politely stick to your boundary. When hubby insists he has to rush out at that exact moment, let him know with a smile the dishes will still be here when gets back. Then go about your business, and go find a little time for self-care, R&R, or whatever pleases you. In other words, completely let go.

Do not get hooked by the thought that he ‘should’ have done them by now Or that he’s not doing them carefully enough, or the way you would do them. The point is to free you of this task, right? And above all, don’t bug the man. Let him be a grown up and remember what your request was. Politeness and consistency are what makes this work. Stick to your limit, no matter how uncomfortable it gets.

Remember, you’re going for lasting change here which requires a warrior mindset. Even if it means the dishes don’t get done the next day either, or even that they pile up all week. At this point, and only then, feel free to speak to hubby a second time. Do let him know you won’t be doing any more dishes for the foreseeable future.

You can explain that you have other things to do and it’s time he helped out. But don’t get caught in justifying your actions. You shouldn’t have to. And no ranting. No drama. Just… smile.

He’ll begin to understand at this point that some new rules are in play. If you have to pull out the paper plates, go right ahead. (This is when you might begin to rethink whether you should be doing the cooking at all. Perhaps someone else should take this task as well?)

Keep on your boundary—do not cave in. No matter what. Consistency is critical.

Until we set a limit and say ‘no more’… and make a specific request about what we need… nothing actually will change. So what happens when no dishes are available? People who never washed a dish suddenly, miraculously start doing them.

It’s not always easy to ask for help. But it’s worth it. You just have to be patient and let the process unfold.Use your leverage. In the case, say, of teens who need rides places or the use of the car, this can be a very useful tool in request enforcement. Why should Child get use of valuable family car when they can’t lift a finger to help around the house?

Or for Hubs…What would Hubby love that can be provided when you know he’s game to help out more around the house? I’m sure you’ll think of something…

We don’t want to be punitive, shrill or a heavy with this. We simply want to be firm and polite. And ultimately rewarding. It is possible to set boundaries with a smile.

Know this is your right. No one ever said we have to do it all. Really. This is simply the June Cleaver mindset we inherited from our mothers… and now we get to change that script. It will take some work, friend, and perhaps some discomfort, but look how much pain you may already be in.

You can find much more on this topic, including exactly when to make requests of men for best results, in my book The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care. 

I invite you to rethink the current dynamic and make a change if needed. You are beautiful, whole, and deserving of deep love and care. May this help you create lots of deep, lasting support in your life.

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100 Free or Low Cost Ways to Practice Self-Care

Recently I asked the 56,000 women who are in my Self-Care Group for Extremely Busy Women for ideas on free self-care. Very quickly the list took off as more than 100 women answered my question. Here are their responses, combined with some of my own.

Next time you feel stuck, turn here… This list just feels SO YUMMY! Don’t see your favorites here? Drop us a comment below with suggestions of your own.

A hot bath … with candles and meditation musicA heart to heart talk with a palSinging and hummingWatching the sunsetA regular bedtime routine that’s comfortingSetting firm, polite boundariesJournaling out your worries, especially before bedtime (but not in the bedroom)Taking a walk“Just sitting outside listening to birds chirping in the morning’Walking meditationBreath workGoing into green spaces like parksSelf-date to do something you love (lots of options on this list!)Page a day readers and calendarsYouTube yoga classHome workoutsAn oil or moisturizer self-massage after a bath“Laying under the trees watching the wind blow through and the clouds dance by…”“Taking the time to savor whatever you are doing, and it doing it consciously”Savoring the first sip of good coffee or tea“Having a meal alone in my backyard. Especially right now during spring. There is something so peaceful about being outside listening to the birds and feeling the breeze…”Vegging out on the couch for an hour or twoAdult coloring booksBlowing bubblesFree audiobooks from the library, using the Libby app “Makes any mundane activity interesting”Going for long walks or hikesStretching in the grass, a forest or on a beachWatercolor paintingGuided meditations from apps like Insight Timer (the free version)Insight Timer’s classes (can be accessed for $5 per month)Drinking enough waterEating more veggies and fruitYard workGardeningBasking in the sun brieflyTaking hardcover books out of the library after ordering them onlineNaps!Listening to Native-American flute music on an app like SpotifyBike rides along beautiful trailsZumba class on YouTube or onlineJust rocking out to some good dance music in your living roomGoing to free community eventsTaking time off and walking on the beachListening to good music in my car, or an audiobook “I don’t know what it is about the car, but I look forward to the drives! I drive when I’m at a breaking point with the kids, too. They are happy, contained, and not hanging on to me.”Painting affirmations to relaxPicnicking in a park or on the beachStopping by a coffee shopFor free exercise, take public transportation to get in extra steps with headphones and good musicGo for short walks during your lunch breakBuy small plants and grow them on your office deskGet a good water bottle and fill it for free at gas stations using the water tap on soda machines. Sometimes they’ll give you ice, too.Home Spa Time

“…If taking a bath, use a bath bomb, Epsom salt, bubble bath, bath oil, or scent your bath water with essential oil(s). (Rinse the tub out well.) Light some candles, or incense, put on an audiobook, read a book, put on relaxing music, mediate; have your favorite glass of wine with slices of cheese and chocolate. Dry off with a towel or robe you JUST laundered that day, give yourself a mindful rub down with lotion or body oil, and groom your finger and/or toenails. Put on clean, comfy, and fuzzy pjs, including fuzzy socks. Almost, if not all of these items can be found at a dollar store. In my area you can get a good tasting wine at Walmart for $3.”

Drinking a relaxing cup of herbal tea while reading a good bookSpiffing up your space by retouching with a bit of paint. “…painting the floor of my closet PINK was a stroke of genius, because now all my black shoes are easy to spot”Purge your stuff… and feel lighterASMR videos on YouTube that create a brain-tingling feeling that actually feels pretty goodMake time for yourself BEFORE the kids wake upCrafting projects (not free but we all have an old one rolled up somewhere, don’t we?) Pull it out again…Breakfast and dinner on the patioSexFree library eventsHealing playlists on Spotify such as Sound Healing Bowls and Healing Chimes & Crystal BowlsPull out your instrument and play for a while… even if you haven’t in yearsBaking something yummy with what’s in the cupboardThoughtful Sunday food prep for the weekSelf-Improvement podcasts (start with Self-Care for Extremely Busy WomenBird watching“Sitting by the fire in the front yard, listening to the creek”Homemade beauty products with refrigerator ingredients from PinterestA good cry“… I sing to my plants as I open the shutters and shades” in the morningSleep lateRequest breakfast in bedPut away social media and your phone for a whileThe morning walkPositive affirmationsPainting my nailsListening to encouraging books that motivate mePetting a cat or dog“Having a hard cider after a long hard work day”“Looking in the mirror and telling myself how proud I am of all that I have overcome, and how much I love who I am now.”Conversation with God in a notebook or on a docLearning something new from a YouTube video like how to cook or decorate“Playing with my Great Dane pup”Doing a jigsaw puzzle with a good glass of Chardonnay, a little music playing and my love helping, tooCalling my familyVolunteering at an animal shelterHelping lead a Gospel choirCreative writing“Focusing on breathing before I fall asleep has helped me tremendously”Drinking water in a quart Mason jar with slices of fruitCold shower on a hot day in the summerMaking refrigerator iced tea from 2 teabags added to a quart of cold water and refrigerated. It steeps in just a few hours.A fun walk with a good friendWatching street artists paintFinding out what makes you happy that you can do by yourselfGetting grounded by walking barefoot in nature or hugging a treeSitting outside in the moonlight, listening to night soundsReading to a childPrayer, chanting, or meditation

 

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Wake Up Call: How Will You Look Back on Your Life?

Recently in our Self-Care Group for Extremely Busy Women on Facebook, a woman who is dying of cancer shared that she had finally learned the importance of self-care after a very hard life. ‘Eat the chocolate’ she said. And don’t put up with abuse. Kind of makes you want to look at your own life, doesn’t it?

This post (which as of this writing) had gotten more than 800 comments and had been seen by more than 20,000 woman struck us all to the bone. What a rare, precious thing it is to hear from a courageous person with true perspective.

Cause here’s the thing: we forget we are in charge of our lives.

We forget that when we’re annoyed with someone, we’re the ones who carry that burden, hour after hour, day after day.

We miss the fact that we keep staying late at work ‘just one more night’ while our kids are at home missing us and sinking ever deeper into their screens. We forget that moving our bodies and maintaining our health really IS critical to our happiness.

And we lose track of ourselves profoundly. We simply don’t bother with ephemerals like self-care because, hey, who has the time? Or so we tell ourselves….

The truth is that we do have the time. Because we are the ones who decide how to use that time. We choose where to put our energies and attention, and in whom to invest our precious love and work.

We try not to notice whether we get back much less than we give. Or we notice, grow resentful and then just stay there, parked in our anger.

It’s much easier to maintain the status quo, no matter how noxious, than it is to make the changes that will truly serve our lives. Or so we tell ourselves. That can be downright scary, right?

But, oh my friends, it is so worth it to make the changes that truly serve you in the long run.

As busy women, we’re always trying to reconcile that age-old urge to mother the world with our needs in the here and now. But honestly, friend, we can’t be all things to all people… we just can’t. So why even try?

Instead, why not get comfortable finally taking time for yourself? Go sit in a long hot bath and luxuriate with your own thoughts. Let the dishes pile up—or better yet, let someone else (the kids, perhaps?) do them.

Give yourself permission to stare out the window and do nothing. Dare to take a vacation, and consider going alone. Make time for those you love, but only the ones who love you right back. Ask for help when and where you need it.

If it seems impossible to do any of this, then begin at the beginning. This is actually why I put the worksheets in my book The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care. Because when we’re too busy, our thoughts congeal into one untenable blob that threatens to overwhelm us.

By taking them apart, one precious step at a time, we can finally wake up and tell the truth about our lives and our needs.

Only then can we build lives of self-care that truly feed our souls.

Need some inspiration for the journey? Read the book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care, and make time for those worksheets and questionnaires. Do the journaling exercises, and take as long as you want to listen to YOU.

Then drop by our Self-Care Group for Extremely Busy Women and join us. Learn from these amazing women—56,000 strong—who are creating a truly safe haven of love and support every single day. And lean on them when you need some love or guidance. Believe me, just being there feels healing.

Love to you wherever you are on your self-care journey!

Thanks for bringing me along.

 

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What It Takes to Make Big Sweeping Changes in Your Life, Part 2

Teal and I at Tartine, her favorite bakery in San Francisco on her 22nd birthday.

(See my previous post, Part 1, for the beginning of this story.)

I arrived in my new life in San Francisco with a bang. Within six weeks, I was set to lead a large event at a local hotel with my new business partner Jeffrey, a local gay man. Feverishly I leapt in, feet first.

It didn’t occur to me that I might need time to settle in, process or even unpack. Not for this workaholic. I was all systems go-go-GO! And I was determined to make up for lost time on all fronts, including my burgeoning lesbianism.

So in between tossing my belongings in closets and chucking boxes, I registered to vote in California and went shopping for furniture. I also had my hair cut and dyed for the first time, and bought a brand new wardrobe under the advice of a professional stylist. And I signed up for lesbian events like “Wine Time”, and even went on some hikes with the local gay Sierrans.

This was Suzanne 3.0 and I was like a kid in a candy shop.

I had a wonderful new two bedroom apartment with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge in one direction and the Bay Bridge in the other. My daughter Teal had come to San Francisco as well, giving me a much needed anchor while she stayed in the guest room.

I looked around me giddily, barely able to believe my luck.

Then two weeks later…my teeth began to fall apart. Within the space of a few days I had to have two emergency root canals. And so, without warning, I was stopped in my tracks.

Of course something had to give. I’d just left my marriage of 25 years. And my 16-year-old son Luke had just left to spend a year in Taiwan as a high school exchange student. This transition for all of us had been arranged months earlier, yet that made it no easier. There was a deep, indelible fissure, no matter how amicable this divorce was going to be. Like it or not,  a whole part of my life, my identity had just ended.

But I literally could not get myself to stop and think about all that was happening to me. Instead, I just kept on go-go-GOING. And so, inevitably, I began to fall apart.

First lesson in a new life: Sometimes you actually must stop to feel your feelings, whether you like it or not.

Long story short, the new business partnership took off and I found myself busier than ever. At the same time, I began frenetically dating women here and there, none of whom was a right fit. Predictably, I found myself unoccupied on a Saturday night…and that’s when the grief finally tiptoed in.

That night I lay on my couch for about three hours and cried. Then I rose up and insisted I’d gotten through most of it. Defiantly, I slapped my profile on Okay Cupid, and hours later I had a date. Of course, I hadn’t even touched the surface of my grief—but I didn’t know this yet.

That took fourteen months of being involved with the first woman who responded to my profile. She happened to be a malignant narcissist. By the time my impulsive romance was over, my gears had been completely stripped. My fast-growing business had closed due to burnout. I’d also given up my great little apartment  to follow my lover to Marin County. I lived there for two months before she broke up with me.

In short order, all the structures I’d built collapsed, and I found myself wandering around, trying to figure out where to live. That’s what I was doing when my daughter Teal suddenly died as well from a medically unexplainable cardiac arrest. Immediately I was plunged into shock.

In just a few short months, the dream had imploded and now I had nothing left but indelible grief, utter aloneness and a very sad story.

Finally, I was forced to stop.

Yet, here is the magical part, for this is when I began to grow up. What better teacher is there than the removal of all we’d previously known, especially when it’s not all that functional?

Now all of my old structures were utterly gone. My life suddenly was divided into Before Teal’s Death and After Teal’s Death. I didn’t work for more than 18 months. Instead, I grieved and focused on self-care, something I’d never even considered. And I I lived frugally in a friend’s guest room, while I saved what money I had.

During this time, I got comfortable with the unknown, and began to focus more and more on the present In the shadow of Teal’s death, I worked hard to heal the many broken parts that had finally been laid bare by the collapse of my new life. Finally I could see them… and there were a lot.

Slowly, I began to rebuild. I reverted to my maiden name and got a California license, as I committed fully to this new state I’d moved to. I swam every day, journaled my heart out and read an entire library of self-help books. I also got extensive therapy and did 12 Step Work on the addiction in my family’s past.

My full emergence didn’t happen for three years, at which point I moved in with the woman I am now married to. And so began an entirely new body of work—and life—that continue to give me great joy.

This is, indeed, the life I’d dreamt of when I left my tiny town in Upstate New York.

All of this is to say that ripping up an old life and beginning a new one is not to be taken lightly. And yet, this can be the catalyst that is needed, as long as you fasten your seat belt and prepare for a potentially bumpy ride.

Consciousness and support along the way are advisable—two things I could have had far more of at certain critical junctures. And yet, each person I encountered taught me so very much, and for this I am grateful.

My these two blogs light any embers that are burning in your heart.

Why hold back? Why not head straight for the joy, just ahead?

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What It Takes to Make Big, Sweeping Changes in Your Life, Part 1

As we focus on our own self-care more and more, changes begin to take place in our lives. Sometimes even big ones.

Good energy naturally fills us up as we start moving our bodies more and more. We find we crave sugar less, as it disappears from our diets. We may find ourselves speaking out more and more on our own behalf. Even the toxic, gossipy ‘friends’ who used to be ever-present check in less frequently.

That’s the power of self-care to set things right. For it’s the natural way of the world to correct what is misaligned …if only we’ll give it a chance.

And so it is with big changes, as well.

In 2010, I left my 25-year marriage to a man, came out as a lesbian and moved from upstate New York to San Francisco. It was a break for freedom that had been fomenting for… well… twenty-five years.

Not that there weren’t happy times in my former marriage, mind you. There were plenty, not to mention the raising of two amazing children. But all the while, no matter how hard I tried to repress it, another melody kept playing in the background. It was the one that kept reminding me I was gay.

When you hold back from the natural order of things, life cannot move through you. You miss the chance to learn all the rich lessons of this lifetime.

Instead, you teeter on the edge of safety and reason, which turn out to be precarious places indeed. If you don’t, it seems like you will surely die. For why else would you hang on to such pain for so long?

Still, there always comes a time when you’ve finally had enough. The tyrant boss pushes you too far. Your mother-in-law (who knows no boundaries) goes completely off the hook. You wake up to the realization your clothing no longer fits. When seized, such moments truly can be life changing.

For me, I also had a significant dream in which my long dead father appeared (in a white robe!) and showed me a city street in San Francisco. I said, “I’m going to live there!”, feeling very excited at the idea. He nodded and smiled, affirming my next step. At the time, I was just beginning to get the idea of this big move.

On that August day in 2010, when I climbed up into my rented moving truck and drove west towards Ohio, it began to rain. I cried what seemed like endless tears as I pulled out of the tiny town of 500 we’d raised our children in.

Not only would I never live there again—I’d never be Soccer Mom Suzanne or Community Theater Suzanne again. I wouldn’t be invited to the pick-up games of volleyball, or take sunset walks past the fallow corn fields, the Adirondacks spread out along the horizon. I would also no longer be Larry’s wife.

Instead, I was just going to be me for a while. And who she was remained a mystery.

The rain was pouring down in sheets by the time I neared Cleveland. I could barely see past the windshield wipers as I drove my load. It was a very small moving truck—but still it was a truck and I was intimidated by it. Just as I was by the boldness of my move.

I ducked into a service station pay for some gas, and asked the attendant if he knew when the rain would stop.

He gave a dark grin, as if he knew just how fraught my life was at that moment. “Oh,” he said, “it’s going to go on all night long. Cats and dogs.”

Yet, ten minutes down the road the rain not only lifted, a beautiful rainbow came out. It offered me hope and encouragement, with a little nod to the rainbow flag as well. It seemed like a sign.

Suddenly I transformed from a lost, bedraggled ex-mom into Dorothy headed for Oz.

And as I drove those 3000 miles, past the sunflower fields, over the Rockies, through the arid flats of the desert, I began to get incredibly excited.

I was finally, actually, seriously DOING THIS. The timing was right. The kids were more or less launched. I really could do this thing I had craved for so long.

By finally putting everyone else’s agenda aside, I had given myself the greatest gift I possibly could.  It was the gift of being truly, unabashedly myself.

Creating a before and after ritual, like a drive across the country, was critical here. As was having supporters I could check in with along the way. My daughter joined me for half the drive, as did an old college pal for part of it. A whole fleet of friends were along for the ride by text and phone. I didn’t include one person on the list who was likely to ‘worry aloud’ or play devil’s advocate.

Instead, I enlisted a positivity team. And I had a new pal, Jeffrey, waiting to meet me on the other side.

So by the time I drove across the Bay Bridge, about to enter San Francisco, I truly felt ready for my brand new new life.

As if on cue, Aretha started singing to me through my radio.

Freedom… Freedom.. FREE-DOOOMMMM!

I had just arrived with nothing more than my intuition, my guidance to carry me.

And I was ready.

NOTE: Part II of this story will appear at this time next week…

 

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20 Ways to Practice Self-Care at Work

 

Where do we spend a GREAT deal of time? Our workplaces! And what do we almost always need in them? Ways to soothe ourselves from the stress, to insulate ourselves from the negative energy, and stay positive.

With that in mind, I wrote up the following list. Many of the wonderful members of my Self-Care Group for Extremely Busy Women on Facebook contributed here as well. (Thank you all!)

The goal is to achieve balance. Because yes, you will be stressed out and have bad days sometimes. But if you’re taking truly good care of yourself, and you have a few handy tools in place, you can prevail.

This is true for you no matter where you work—behind the wheel of a semi, in a busy hospital ward, in the cockpit of a jet or at an office desk. You DO need to take care of you. Really.

I’ve tried to add a little something here for everyone. May this ease your hard work!

Take frequent breaks
According to neuroscientists, even taking even a ten second break every twenty minutes helps you work more efficiently. Closing your eyes and breathing, standing and stretching, stepping outside for a moment—all of it helps reduce stress, and it significantly boosts productivity.Take a lunch break away from your desk
Step away from your desk—even if you don’t want to. Bring your lunch to work to allow you to leave, even if it’s to go sit in your car or take a walk. A change of scenery will refresh your mind, and efficiency, and possibly even provide you with more ‘aha’ moments.Get out in nature at least once during the day
Studies have proven that walks in nature are far more effective than walks on city sidewalks for relaxing and refreshing our brains. Even a 20 minute walk can be an effective reset.Use apps for quick breaks
Got ten minutes? Do a five or ten minute guided meditation on the Calm app or on Insight Timer. Free versions of these apps allow you to pull up all kinds of soothing sounds and imagery. Just sit down, tune in and close your eyes… You’ll come back better for sure.Do some breathing at your desk
The six-minute YouTube video, Box Breathing, is an effective guide to a simple, repeatable technique that helps you fully relax your central nervous system. That can be a real boon on a crazy, stressful day, or if your work has a lot of repetitive movement to it.Set proper boundaries on all things
First of all, you need to be able to take lunch away from your workspace. Secondly, you need to be able to leave when the workday ends for everyone else, i.e. at 5PM. Staying late makes us feel like we’re doing somebody a favor, but often we’re getting ourselves into an unhealthy habit that can be hard to break. It’s perfectly fine to set such boundaries even if you don’t have a ‘good reason’ (i.e. picking up children, etc.) to do so. Also, do not respond to work texts or calls when off duty.Ask for help when you need it
You have the right to not be able to solve every problem and jump every hurdle by yourself. You have the right to ask questions. You also have to right to ask for support around work tasks. Take a look at whether you expect yourself to be a one person show who does it all.Look at what you’re ‘tolerating’ and change it
Sometimes you might be putting up with a workplace bully, an impossible workload, or a squeaky chair that needs some oil. Whatever the case, you have the right to have all of your needs met and to feel safe and healthy at work, and to speak up when something isn’t right. Make requests and speak up for yourself.Use the wellness programs offered at your workplace.
If your employer offers fitness or mental health support, or even mindfulness trainings, try taking advantage of them. You may find something great here you’d previously written off. Great work self-care often means getting out of your comfort zone.Remove yourself from energy vampires
Avoid the people who like to hang out nearby and loudly complain, or mine you for gossip. Walk away and focus on you and your work. Your energy will thank you for it.Don’t eat the last donut
That donut may just bring your much-needed energy down. Need I say more?Take your vacations!Consider getting away, even if it’s not your habit. Something like 54% of all Americans do not take their vacation time–and they pay for it. Even taking a staycation can be beneficial to your health. Time off can prevent all kinds of issues from heart attacks to chronic pain and high blood pressure—and help you return to work ready to rock and roll.Make your office/work station a place you want to be
What could you add to your space that would personalize it? Make it more pleasant? Improve the lighting, or add a plant, or some personal photos, and your mood at work could improve.Consider aromatherapy
Scents can inspire us, comfort us, heal us. I like to diffuse them to give my home office a certain feeling of tranquility and peace. I often diffuse a blend of lavender and eucalyptus for focus and calming. Here’s a diffuser and some essential oils I love.Listen to Spotify
What can I say? Soothing music is just SO GREAT to work to. Best thing  is when Spotify makes you playlists based on your preferences. I have a lovely collection of playlists that pump sweet piano music into my ears all day… I especially love the Soft Instrumental and Sweater Weather playlists. Available in both free and paid versions. Up your water/fluids intake
We all know how energizing enough water can be. Add a pretty tea cup and pot for an alternative beverage flow. Do note: caffeinated drinks require you drink additional water to be fully hydrated.Eat protein for lunch and snacks
This is key. So many of us do not eat a healthy lunch. Protein builds our energy—no two ways about it.Get off your butt and move
If you are stuck in a chair most of the day, you’re actually shortening your life. So stand up. I like using a Varidesk that sits on my desk and raises up so I can work at my laptop while standing. I also take calls while walking around my office. Stretching is also a great quick break. If you can’t remember a FitBit will remind you.Don’t demand perfection from yourself or anyone else
There’s a nice little acronym that’s popular in our group. QTIP—quit taking it personally. People get crabby. People make mistakes. And so do we. Ease, friend. Easy does it.Improve your desktop using ergonomics
I redid my office set up on the advice of a chiropractor when I stopped being able to move my neck and my thumb. It’s made all the difference. In addition to a standing desk, I use a mouse on a mousepad with wrist rest. I also make sure my laptop is at eye level as much of the time as possible, so I’m not looking down. This can be accomplished with the Varidesk or a laptop elevator.

Please note: Some of the links provided here earn me a very small affiliate commission with Amazon.com. I do this to help support the cost of producing free content I put out into the world through my blog, my podcast, and my Facebook group. Just so you know.

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Breaking Free of Controlling Relationships

For a good deal of my life, I attracted some seriously controlling people. The tendency began with Mom (it always begins at home) and charged along in my life until my early fifties, when I’d finally had enough. 

Controlling people don’t always have bad intentions. Many of my controllers, like my mother, thought they were somehow serving me. Mom was an insecure, anxious woman who was easily intimidated by life. So when she gave birth to me, a zealous, exuberant bundle of energy from the earliest moments of my life– the kid who talked too loudly, who ran and never walked, who was simply “too much”– she did her best to control me. For my own sake.

Or so she thought.

Right up until age 16, I was told what to wear, who to play with, how to behave, where to go and what to do. But I’d already broken free long before that, diving headlong into a dozens of projects with gusto. I can still remember my mother standing at our front door, calling after my retreating back as I darted towards the main street in our village, “Susie, slow down! You’re doing too much!”

God bless my poor mother, who believed it was her job to keep me safe by keeping me ‘under control’. I paid enough attention to mollify her somewhat, and so the pattern continued. It kept right on through most of my love relationships, as I attracted those who dictated choices such as what we ate, where we vacationed, how we spent our time, and even “our” politics. I didn’t always agree. But I remained quiet by then, realizing things would go better if I just put up and shut up. And ultimately, each of these relationships quietly died.

The last one was with a particularly spiteful woman who needed to put me down as a means of controlling me. If I came home with a piece of jewelry or a treasure I’d discovered, I’d be met with a sneer. She considered my wardrobe her domain, right along with who I spent time with, what I ate (again) and even what type of exercise I did. This was controlling on steroids, and I bought right into it.

After all, I was new to California, freshly divorced and vulnerable. And this was strangely comforting behavior I recognized from long ago, and so I complied. Never mind that I had far more resources and professional success, and we were living in my home. Twice I tried to leave, and twice I came crawling back.

I was triggered enough to actually believe I needed this controlling abuse.

I was finally rid of this controller when she dumped me. Yet, I immediately found two more controllers in the form of housemates who tried to bully me into submission. But by now, I’d finally begun to wise up. I was no longer pliable, willing, or eager to please. Instead, I began to speak up, to set limits. And I moved out of both situations, leaving behind the old me who chose such set ups blindly.

It took another year of healing before I found the woman I am now married to, with whom I’m neither controlled nor controlling. I have learned that healthy relationships demand we we make requests, we disagree, and we dance to the beat of our own drum sometimes.

But most of all, they demand that we love ourselves enough to keep our eyes open, be honest, and avoid those who might take instead of give.

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How I Stopped Worrying and Found My Way to the Light

When I was in fourth grade, my teacher, Miss Brown, sent home a report card that said, “Suzanne seems excessively worried.” In fact, I’ve been worrying ever since.

Why, I cannot tell you, for we all know that worry generates nothing but bad mental mojo and stress in our bodies. For me, that has shown up as tooth grinding, jaw clenching (requiring years of orthodontics), tense shoulders and even gut trouble at times. I’ve only learned to control it through regular meditation, journaling, a little prayer and yoga.

But can I truly give up worrying? Well, no. Not entirely. Because I realize now, it’s a state of being… one I freely chose for most of my life. I’ve swum in an endless sea of worry like a fish in a slightly cloudy tank, unaware of my mental gunk.

Strangely, worrying has made me feel safe. As if thinking ahead in anticipation of dire events will somehow protect me from such moments, should they ever occur.

For instance, I KNOW without question what I’ll do the minute a major earthquake strikes my home in the Bay Area. And I know what I’ll do if other bad things, like financial loss, major illness, or wildfires, beset me. But really… such exercises are academic.

For when the bottom truly drops out, like it did when my daughter Teal suddenly died in 2012, all the worry in the world couldn’t protect me from the fallout.

This is the illusion of worry—that thinking ahead keeps us safe and immune to pain.

I’ve come to realize that life actually is pain, in part. And perhaps that is the point.

I never worried about such an occurrence because it never crossed my mind it could happen. That was just too heinous. Too wrong. What I know now is that the loss of my beloved daughter was the fulcrum point on which my life rests. For it seems only since then have I truly evolved.

When Teal died, I suddenly saw my life starkly. I realized I’d completely lost track of my values, and I’d been living without key things like integrity and compassion for far too long. I was busy to a fault, and ignoring some key things that demanded my attention. In short, I woke up.

So I devoted myself to honoring Teal’s legacy through service… through raw and unfettered writing. Through bringing women together who support each other in my Facebook group. Through my podcasts, in which I gently speak to my listeners, spreading love and healing where I can.

I do my best to live up to an invitation from Teal herself, which I received in a letter from her six months before her death. She said we were meant to be “leaders in light” together in this lifetime, and she offered me her full support. Little did I know that we would indeed do just that. Or that I’d walk this path alone—yet fully in sync with her disembodied spirit.

As I’ve traveled this path of light leadership day by day, I’ve noticed something extraordinary. When I trust it—and even when I don’t—the path has taken care of me. Completely. In spite of my tendency to worry.

A regular income writing fiction showed up unbidden when I had no idea how I would earn money. Podcast listeners have continued to pour in, even though I’ve done little to court them. And my Facebook group has been the most extraordinary of all.

In a  huge surge over the last two weeks, 23,000 women showed up, wanting to join. And this was through no action of my own. I simply created the space and in they came. At first, the surge of interest blew my mind. This wasn’t normal! Where were they all coming from? Was it hacking? A bot gone mad?

Turns out it was just women responding to the idea that they needed self-care. Still, for more than a week, I was consumed with worry as I groped around, looking for some kind of blueprint, or even explanation.

With barely any effort on my part, however, the perfect team to help materialized. For at least five screeners were needed to maintain the integrity of the group, and make sure the rules were being followed. And they’ve done an excellent job. The quality of conversation, literally among thousands of women from all over the world, remains vulnerable, real and truly healing.

The group has become truly breathtaking to me. Mainly because I’ve stopped worrying and surrendered to the flow of life, as I learn once again that worrying does nothing more than kill the buzz.

May you also enjoy some worry-free peace of mind… for this is where the sweet beating heart of life is.

Embrace it, my friend.

 

 

 

 

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The Joy (and Relief) of Getting Mad Responsibly

I don’t know about you, but I hate getting mad.

 

I learned this after Teal’s death. Along with my grief rode a sidecar of toxic, bitter anger. I found myself becoming furious at small, irrational things. Yet, again and again, I felt ashamed of these dark failings. But … was my anger really a failing? Or was it actually all right?

 

As it turns out, my anger was a natural part of my grief. It was necessary — the sign of something stirring in the dark, narrow passageways of my grief. My anger was the ghost just down the way, beckoning for me to come hither and learn more.

 

Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said I was supposed to be mad.

 

Still, I hung back fearfully at first. I found myself pushing my anger away with platitudes, instead of actually embracing it. Did I even have the energy for this, I wondered. Finally, I could avoid it no longer. That’s when I discovered it was not only okay to get mad … it was necessary.

 

Just like a cool breeze on a hot day, when I finally allowed myself to feel my anger and journal on it, it refreshed and restored me. My anger literally healed me, and became just as critical to my well-being as clean water, rest and the great outdoors.

 

I moved on in far greater peace once I began to own all of my feelings, including the less attractive ones.

 

If you are like me, you were raised to believe that anger is bad and good girls never get mad. So for the next 40 years I stuck my fingers in my ears and avoided such things. This is how we grow up numb and afraid to own or even know our anger … until it comes exploding out of us in unexpected ways.

 

From time to time my own anger would explode, of course, and this filled me with a deep and abiding shame. Because I never learned how to handle my anger in a conscious way, I ran from it, afraid. But you can learn to work with your anger. It simply takes a little practice.

 

First you have to own it. Then you must actively stop yourself before you lash out, hurl invectives, or get into a snarl with someone. Tempting as it may be, this behavior will just create greater stress in your life.

 

The way of self-care is to stop and walk away when you feel like you’re about to explode. This requires some self-control, but the rewards are well worth it. Once you have some time by yourself, you can stop and feel what is going on.

 

Allow yourself enough time to check in and assess what’s wrong, even if it’s only for a few minutes. (True self-care advocates will allow themselves as much time as they need here.) Notice where you feel your anger in your body.

 

Ask yourself what this anger of yours feels like. What other feelings might be present as well? What does it remind you of from your past?

 

Don’t wander down the lane of your story and its inherent drama, and try not to imagine a million worst case scenarios or vindictive triumphs. Instead, just do your best to stay present, sit with your emotions, and really feel them. They won’t last long. Ideally, they will peak, crest and then blessedly dissipate within a matter of minutes.

 

If anger is an unfamiliar or scary emotion, you may need to do a bit of journaling to process this. But hang with it, because this is when the healing happens. Don’t let yourself get caught in the trap of believing such activity is a ‘waste of time’.

 

Your anger is not only righteous, it’s a sign that your boundaries may have been violated or that something is really wrong. Don’t brush that critical warning system away. Instead, allow it to bubble up in all of its glory and prepare to learn from it.

 

For serious anger, take a big pad of oversized paper and scrawl on it furiously on with a fat magic marker. Say everything you need to say … on paper. Use up the whole pad if you want. Really have at it until you’re done. Then take that pad of paper, tear it up and throw it away or even burn it. Say a few words of release if rituals of this type are your thing.

 

One way or another, get that toxic anger out of your body, out of your mind, and out of your space. And as ever, if you are left with disturbing, persistent, or dangerous thoughts, or it is hard to work the anger through your system, get help. I found the right therapist tremendously healing in this effort.

 

Sometimes this is what it takes to let that massive freight train of your emotions move through you.  Once your anger has come and gone, then life can go on and your whole central nervous system can relax. And then you will relax far more deeply, which feels incredibly great!

 

Only when you have real clarity and you’ve let off some steam, should you have a conversation with those who’ve bugged you. Ideally this is an intentional, firm but polite chat in which you express your needs and your requests.

 

Then you can move forward in peace and not hate yourself or anyone else afterwards, regardless of the other person’s reaction, for you know you will have taken the high road and acted for the highest good.

 

This is exactly how I’ve come to trust my anger and watched my base energy turn from worry and petty annoyance to clear, unimpeded happiness. As I moved through my anger at various situations and people, I began to realize a lot of my anger ultimately had to do with my own actions.

 

Once I vented my anger on paper, a new level of clarity descended and I began to see a startling pattern. My anger at others was also partly anger at myself. For in many of my conflicts, I was responsible for at least part of the problem.

 

In certain tough relationships, I had been silent about my needs or willing to play the victim, and I hung on to resentments long after their due date. I began to take responsibility for my part … and then my anger turned to out and out forgiveness of myself and the other guy.

 

That’s when I began to experience deep and lasting empathy.

 

When handled correctly, anger and the lessons it brings can be a balm to the soul. It is the release of the pressure valve, and the surrender of the false veil that has us parked in “Everything is fine!” mode all the time.

 

Our anger tells us when things are out of balance. It’s a highly sensitive internal warning system that tells us where to set boundaries, and how to avoid danger and generally protect ourselves. In fact, it’s a critical source of the information we need to grow and expand.

 

May you learn to enjoy your anger when it bubbles up, and honor it for the innate and powerful wisdom that it is.

Reprinted from Suzanne’s book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care

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The Best Water Bottle I’ve Found

I don’t know about you, but I’m highly dependent on my water bottle. If I don’t drink about two quarts of water a day, things just don’t work as well. I feel sluggish, my skin looks grey, my gut doesn’t work as well. The list goes on and on. But drinking plenty of water refreshes me, and I feel truly energized. Drinking water even lowers my stress!

My go to water vessel until recently was the trusty quart Ball jar, but I have to say… it’s not a good look. It’s clunky to manage, and when I drive must be balanced between my legs on the seat. What it has going for it is volume. And that’s it.

Honestly, finding the right water bottle can be tricky. MAN have I been through a lot of water bottles. (And I do mean A LOT.) Mainly because I tend to drop them. The aluminum ones get dented, and dented, and dented. And then they no longer stand up. But the glass ones (even those with a protective rubber sheath) shatter. I had that happen in a locker room once. Not pretty.

Enter Super Sparrow. They asked me to try their products and consider endorsing them, so being in need, I said yes. And I have to say… I’m impressed.

My new favorite actually is the Super Sparrow water bottle. This particular one is a beautiful shade of ice blue, very sleek, and fits in my hand and my car’s cup holder well. Not only that. It comes with fun stuff! Like a matching rubber ring that goes around the top making grip easy, and the overall look more attractive. The bottle also has a sporty sip lid if you want to change it out. AND… here’s the real game changer…it has a neoprene sleeve so when/if I drop it, it doesn’t take such a beating.

Yet, here’s the thing. I’ve dropped the Super Sparrow twice on concrete and it’s barely scratched—even without its sleeve. So I’m sold. Yes, cold stuff stays cold, and hot stuff stays hot. Super Sparrow is making my water drinking way more efficient and pleasant. Thank you!

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