Suzanne Falter's Blog, page 5

Five Steps to Get the Help You Truly Need

Recently in my Facebook Group, I asked what I thought was a simple question: Are you getting the help you need at home and at work? Who would you ask?

 

Turns out a LOT of women need a lot of help! Within 1 hour 1500 women had seen this question, and dozens had replied. And nearly every one said the same thing—no, they don’t get any help. Furthermore, they told me, there’s no point in asking.

If they did ask, they’d just get a big fat NO.

The response that there wasn’t enough help and there never would be took me aback. So I put together a little cheat sheet on how to ask for help and actually get it. Because when you ask for help and get it, an entire world of possibilities opens up.

For one thing, you finally have enough time for self-care. So to that end, here are steps to lead you towards getting the help you need, in this case, around the house. Yet, with a few slight modifications, these steps can be applied in any situation.

1.     First, change your thinking about getting help. Many of us truly believe we simply can’t change the way things are. We think we can’t ask others for help—that as one commenter put it, ‘there’s too much drama around asking for help.’ We simply believe it isn’t possible. And as long as we believe that… well, it’s not.

2.     Stop thinking others should ‘know’ they need to help. Some of us believe others should read our minds and simply ‘know’ we need help. Truth: No one can read your mind. And no one may realize you need help unless you ask for it. And some of our family members walk around in happy denial that help is needed.
This is when making a well-placed request is a good idea.

 

3.     Get clear on exactly what help you need. Knowing what you need can be tough– especially if we’re overwhelmed. Then the entire mess of demands smushes together into  a big, ominous blob you can’t begin to take down. Break it down, area by area. Do you need help at work? At home? With your physical health? Your mental health?

If you’re not sure how to do this, create some quiet time. (Even that might be a challenge… but do try. It will help.) Then journal on or ponder this question: What’s bothering me? As you get clear on where different needs are, write them down. Then start to think about who you could ask for help.

4.     Make specific, measurable requests. If you want help doing the dishes, ask for it from specific family members. Don’t rant. Don’t be intense or rude, and don’t be a victim. Just say what you need, coolly and calmly. “Honey, please do the dishes tonight.” Don’t fall into the trap of hysterically demanding general non-specific help. As in ‘No one lifts a finger to help me in this damn house!’. That’s our mother’s model, and it doesn’t work. (Perhaps you used to tune out Crazy Ranting Mom?)

5.     Politely stick to your boundary, and practice patience. When hubby insists he has to rush out at that exact moment, let him know with a smile the dishes will still be here when gets back. Then go about your business, and go find a little time for self-care, R&R, or whatever pleases you.

Do not get hooked by the thought that he ‘should’ have done them by now. Or that he’s not doing them carefully enough, or quickly enough. And above all, don’t bug the man. Let him be a grown up and remember what your request was. Politeness and consistency are what makes this work. And in the beginning, at least, you may have to let the dirty dishes sit there for a while.

Stick to your limit, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. Remember, you’re going for lasting change here which requires warrior mindset. Even if it means the dishes don’t get done the next day either, or even that they pile up all week. At this point, feel free to speak to hubby a second time and let him know you won’t be doing any more dishes for the foreseeable future.

You can explain that you have other things to do and you’d like him to help out. But don’t get caught in justifying your actions. You shouldn’t have to. And no ranting. No drama. Just… smile.

He’ll begin to understand at this point that some new rules are in play. If you have to pull out the paper plates, go right ahead. (This is when you might begin to rethink whether you should be doing the cooking. Perhaps someone else should?)

Keep on your boundary—do not cave in. No matter what. Consistency is critical.

Until we set a limit and say ‘no more’… and make a specific request about what we need… nothing actually will change. So what happens when no dishes are available? People who never washed a dish suddenly, miraculously start doing them.

It’s not always easy to ask for help. But it’s worth it. You just have to be patient and let the process unfold.

6. Use your leverage. In the case of say, teens who need rides places or the use of the car, this can be a very useful tool in request enforcement. Why should Child get use of valuable family car when they can’t lift a finger to help around the house? Once they do lift said finger, the use of the car can magically flow.

Or for Hubs—what would Hubby love that can be provided once he’s proven he’s game to help out more around the house? I’m sure you’ll think of something…

We don’t want to be punitive, shrill or a heavy with this. We simply want to be firm and polite. And ultimately rewarding. It is possible to set boundaries with a smile. It works for children and puppies, and it will work for everyone else.

6.     Know this is your right. No one ever said we have to do it all. Really. This is simply the June Cleaver mindset we inherited from our mothers… and now we get to change that script. It will take some work, friend, and perhaps some discomfort, but look how much pain you may already be in.

I invite you to rethink the current dynamic and make a change if needed. You are beautiful, whole, and deserving of deep love and care.

May this help you create lots of truly loving, helpful support.

 

(For more ideas on this issue, please see my book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care.)

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A Surprising Way to Soothe Your Anxiety

 

I’m a nester. Always have been, always will be. It’s just in my nature to love cooking beautiful pots of soup, roasting chickens and baking muffins for those I love. Same goes for fixing little things, arranging flowers, making beds. Growing up the daughter of a vowed nester, this is not surprising.

Mom was, in fact, ‘The Happy Housekeeper’, the title of a column she wrote for House & Garden Magazine for 18 years. She was basically the first Martha Stewart. So maybe I’ve been channeling my mother when I dug into cleaning and cooking with more zest than usual during the pandemic.

Cooking and nesting are my safe zones—a way to feel nurtured and cared for, even while I’m nurturing others. Researchers have verified this. A 2019 article in Good Housekeeping reports that a full 70% of Americans report that cleaning house offers them ‘a feeling of accomplishment’. 54% even call it “relaxing”.

A small study in Mindfulness reports that some added benefit can be found in how we actually wash those dishes. If we do it mindfully, i.e. smelling the detergent, really getting into the action of the sponge on the dish, we can experience a 27% reduction in ‘mental nervousness’. And a serious boost to our overall motivation and inspiration. Experts tell us that these tasks give us a sense of control. Of being able, even for just a few moments, to cope.

All I know is that when I’m cleaning, I do feel in control of my environment. And I do experience that satisfying, tidy sense of accomplishment mentioned above. I feel good about myself, my home, even my life for a little while.

As for cooking, the same applies. When I make a lovely tray of cookies, I’m creating something delightful in my domain for a while. And I’m not alone. The urge to ‘stress bake’ has been well documented by everyone from Stephen Colbert (who even profiled an apple tart –Look at that flake!”–on one of his early pandemic broadcasts) to university researchers. They found that baking supplies surged in sales in the week following the 911 attacks in 2001.

Baking allows us to worry less, to park our anxiety elsewhere. And then to follow up with some lovely comfort eating.

Now, in the aftermath, we’re all working on losing our ‘COVID 15’, which is evidence of how widespread this need to bake actually has been.

Just for fun,  I’ve added a recipe below that I absolutely love, originally shared with me by my late daughter Teal. I got it from a great big compendium of family recipes I keep in a binder that I put together last year. And why do I have them all in a binder? Because so many of them were written out on paper over the years.

It was comforting to go through the old files of family recipes during the pandemic—it made me feel closer to my father and mother, both now dead. I even found a love note written to my father by my mother when they were dating. Not surprisingly, it’s at the end of a recipe for her broiled chicken thighs.

And there were the drawings, too. My father, an artist, used to make little pencil sketches of my mother making dinner every night on the pad she kept for the grocery list. She’s the one pictured here, waiting for the pressure cooker to finish. I believe my mother was the one who originally taught me that cooking was a way to de-stress, for she suffered from anxiety as well.

The process of cooking or cleaning raises the vibration in your home. Moreover, it creates a sense of possibility. After all, what can possibly go wrong when there’s a lovely Beef Stroganoff cooking in the slow cooker or a chocolate cake in the oven? Or even that piney, fresh scent coming from a well mopped floor?

It’s like we push the reset button on all that has troubled us lately, and so we get to begin again. Perhaps the results won’t be quite as special if you’re cleaning and cooking every day. And I do acknowledge that this form of self-care isn’t a fit for everyone. The world is full of people who “don’t cook” and hate cleaning.

And  yet consciously contributing to the nurturing in your home—even if you’re cooking for one—creates that extra sweet sense of safety, or wholeness that we all crave.

It’s like you just changed the sheets on your entire life.

May you cook or even clean with ease and self-love.

TEAL’S KALE SALAD

1 head of curly or dinosaur kale

1 TBS Coconut oil

2 TBS Lime juice

½ – 1 tsp salt

Scallions

Mandarin oranges

Avocado

Can also use cherry tomatoes, or any combination of tart and sweet ingredients

In large mixing bowl combine lime juice and salt. Mix. Add washed, dried kale that’s been separated from stem, and torn into smaller pieces. Melt the coconut oil in a microwave, or by pouring some hot water on outside of closed coconut oil jar. Get your hands coated with melted coconut oil, then massage the kale as you mix in the salted juice from bottom of the bowl. Toss in other ingredients.

YUM!

Serves 4

The post A Surprising Way to Soothe Your Anxiety appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

8 Myths That Rule Overworked Lives (Especially When at Home) and the Truth That Will Set You Free

Young beautiful woman relaxing in hammock in a tropical resort.back view

Chances are you’re reading this because you’re just too damn busy. Life seems to be exploding out of your ears if you’re an extremely busy person. And yet … there has to be a better way, right? And there is. It’s all about a key change in your perspective.

Here are a few myths that drive the speeding bus of overwork in our heads … and the refreshing truths that help erase them.

Myth #1: I am the only one who can fix/do/solve this thing.

TRUTH: Every problem that comes along is not yours to solve. Others may even do some tasks better than you, helping you get the results you want. When we concern ourselves with the most important things, and assume a right-sized sense of responsibility, life eases up remarkably. What can you let go of that isn’t yours to resolve?

Myth #2: Self-Care is the last thing I have time for.

TRUTH: Those seemingly unimportant acts of self-care are what actually help you get the job done. For real. It’s what greases the wheel of productivity, and powers up your personal engine. Then you can show up in much greater equanimity and balance, ready to accomplish great things.

Myth #3: Everyone is depending on me.

TRUTH: A majority of women feel they must put others first, at the expense of their own well-being. But when you’re the last one on your priority list, and you feel guilty taking time for yourself, you actually cause yourself harm. You DO need time for you. It’s a fact. And it’s perfectly fine to disappoint others. In fact, you may assume others expect results from you that aren’t even on their mind.

Myth #4: Forget meeting my needs … it’s not going to happen.

TRUTH: We all deserve to have our needs met. That is a fact of life. Take a good hard look at those unmet needs of yours. Are you advocating for yourself? Is another person actively preventing you from getting them met? That would be a serious red flag that needs your attention. Sometimes our circumstances are tough, and we must cope, especially in an emergency. Yet, a chronic ongoing problem demands real and lasting change.

Myth #5: Good results mean crushing it with hard work.

TRUTH: Working hard is all well and good … except when it costs you dearly. What if you worked smarter instead of harder? Did you know you can have an 80% increase in overall productivity by simply taking a vacation, or even a staycation? The key to getting great results is to rebalance your system, marshal your energy, and then use it to greatest effect. Which is not always about slaving away and ‘putting in the hours’. If you have an empty feeling at the end of the day, this applies to you.

Myth #6: Forget ‘just fine’—only excellence counts.

TRUTH: In the larger scheme of things, who’s going to remember if your reports were all turned in with every detail letter perfect? Or if your house looks a little trampled most of the time? Perfectionism is not the goal, friend. Balance is. And sometimes that means we put in a little less effort. So yes, you may buy cupcakes instead of bake them from scratch for a birthday party, especially if that give you an extra hour to focus on meeting your own needs. No one is standing around judging you … except possibly yourself.

Myth #7: It’s wrong to ask for help.

TRUTH: This is simply not true. Not only is it perfectly acceptable to ask for help, it’s a lovely invitation to the rest of the world. By allowing others in to help, strangers, friends, and yes, even your children, can do something they may genuinely love. They get to step up and contribute. This is true whether the help required is making lunch, organizing a conference, or listening to you pour out your worries. When stuck at home, help can be found in online support groups of all kinds, or even at the end of a phone line. Have you made a call to someone you love and trust lately? Who could you ask for help?

Myth #8: I’m the one exception here because I’m just so flawed.

TRUTH: If you have any flaw, it is probably that you are too hard on yourself. As ‘very busy people’ we exist in a hyped up state of doing all the time. We believe if we stop for even one minute, everything will collapse. And then we’ll be discovered as the imposters that we secretly are. This is where our thinking must change in order to live a life of balance.

In fact, you are worthy of self-care and self-love, friend. We all are. And you do deserve to stop running in place, to get support and find all the comfort and joy you need.

If you do, the world will not stop turning, and those who love you will keep on loving you. All you have to do is stop and get grounded again, no matter where you are. This is the profound gift of self-care—it will always put you right again. And so you can give once more, in a whole and balanced way that truly works.

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Why Astrology is Part of My Self-Care

I don’t know about you, but in these uncertain times I’ve come to rely on astrologers for help in my day to day doings. And now I’ve discovered some remarkable links between Astrology and self-care.

 For years, I resisted astrology. My logical mind wouldn’t grok it. How could ALL Scorpios, say, find love in their lives on a particular Thursday? Or the same inexplicable need to be near water? Fiddlesticks, I said to myself.

Yet, here I am, decades later, a devout follower of the stars as my guide. What happened was an excellent astrologer entered my life at just the right time. My friend Richard told me he never passed a birthday without a reading for the coming year. At the time I was flailing without an overall direction for my life, so I booked a session with his friend, John Marchesella.

On that first reading in 2017, John’s words finally gave a framework to my scattered efforts. He told me, without knowing the first thing about me, that all my random explorations would come together—but not until 2019. Immediately, I relaxed what felt like years of worry and frustration. This ‘thing’ I knew I was meant to do, this healing work, was simply not meant to be…yet. So I could let go and continue to probe and explore. My shoulders dropped a good two inches.

Then  in 2019, low and behold, all of my self-care work finally gelled and took shape. That was the year my self-care podcast and Facebook group began to get traction. It was also the year I got a literary agent, and a publisher for The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care. 

 All of these things happened just as John predicted… to the week.

In fact, nearly everything he has told me over the years has been completely accurate, including the development of my current project, Free Spirited, a memoir and podcast that share how Teal healed me from the Afterlife. John’s readings have become as important to my work as making a budget or having annual goals. 

For me, a self-employed content creator, I find I must have a little divine direction. Because it eases my anxiety, it is a critical piece of my self-care. Interestingly, I connected with another astrologer, author and astrologer Constance Stellas, recently when I found her book, The Astrological Guide to Self-Care. Immediately, I booked her for my podcast.

In this episode, Constance spelled out the case convincingly that each sign of the Zodiac has its own specific self-care requirements and needs. As I listened to her, it made sense. Now I could see how the pull of the planets and the stars that guide our energies every day might also guide our self-care and hence our needs.

An example. I’m a Scorpio, a water sign. According to Constance (who didn’t know me before we spoke) my self-care should include walks by lakes and rivers (I have lived near water since 1998), drinking lots of water (2 quarts a day), decorate with ocean hues (ay yi yi—EVERYTHING I own is an ocean hue, including my car), and use spicy condiments like horseradish (love the stuff!) She even advised visiting a hot spring, which is not for everyone, but my own beloved hot spring has been a second home to me.

Weirdly, I jibe with most everything in Constance’s book specifically for Scorpios, The Little Book of Self-Care for Scorpio. 

Or perhaps not weirdly. These astrologers are simply carrying on the traditional work that was passed down for the last 5,000 years. So hey… that’s good enough for me.

Whether you believe or not, may I refer you to check out my podcast with Constance Stellas to learn a little more about how the movement of the planets shape your own self-care needs. This is for you if you have no idea what your self-care rituals need to be. Or perhaps even if you have a very clear idea.

As ever, invisible sources are at work, guiding us back to ourselves.

May they continue to thrive… and may we continue to listen.

 Take care, friend,

Suzanne

 

The post Why Astrology is Part of My Self-Care appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

How Deep Self-Care Can Save the Planet

On a certain November morning last year, the sky outside my window turned red and the sun didn’t come out. That day I decided I wanted to sell my car. In a strange way, it seemed like an ultimate act of self-care.

Mind you, my wife and I are a two-car family yet neither of us commute in the traffic-clogged Bay Area. So losing a car wouldn’t be a hardship. Instead, it would be a frank statement of living my values. A way to stage my own protest and live true. Did I actually give up my car after that fateful day, however? No, I did not. But I have maintained a habit of walking wherever I can, which has turned out to cover most of my pandemic-era meanderings.

Still, this whole conversation helped me realize what my friend John was all about.

I knew John some years ago when I lived in the Adirondacks, and he was a career environmentalist. And instead of driving everywhere, he rode his bike everywhere 365 days of the year.  Up and over mountains. In the pouring rain. All the way to the grocery store and back, many miles away. Way more than I have walked on my few errands every week, in other words.

I’ll never forget seeing a blurry smudge up ahead on the road one snowy day. There was John, gamely pedaling his way up a hill in a snowstorm. At the time, I thought he was nuts. Maybe even a little dramatic.

Now I think he is wise and admirable. Because even back then, John really got it. We are truly living in an emergency.

This is why creating a lower-consumption, greener life with a smaller carbon footprint is the next arc of my own self-care. For what is true self-care but returning to the often-quiet whisperings of your own internal voice? Turns out, she’s been asking for this for quite a while.

All it took for me to turn this switch was waking up to that strange, dark Oakland morning. I looked at the clock and it was well past 8AM. Yet my entire bedroom was as dark as if it were 2AM.

I sat up, confused and uncertain. I suspected historic wildfire pollution in the upper atmosphere from was responsible… but this was extreme. What the hell was going on?

I took out the sleepy dog, who was equally befuddled. When I tried to rouse our urban chickens, they wouldn’t emerge. Instead, they stayed on their nests, clucking quietly and believing, like me, it was still the middle of the night. I walked out into the front yard and looked around. The sky was a weird dystopian orange, and I looked at it bleakly. That’s when I became completely and totally afraid. Clearly, the world was seriously broken… and if I didn’t get it before, I sure as hell did now.

I began to cry. All of California was now burning or severely polluted, freak acts of nature were now the norm, and I felt smaller and more powerless than ever.

The dreaded future we’d read so much about, and has assumed would never happen in our lifetimes, had indeed arrived. There is no putting if off anymore.

And yet. In falling apart, we often can be quickly and sometimes radically reborn. I learned this lesson when my daughter died eight years earlier, and I was forced to reinvent my life and my work. I discovered self-care at the time, a practice I’ve since written about extensively. Now a new awareness has begun to sink in.

I need self-care more than ever– and it can be green.

Here is what my new ‘green self-care’ practices look like. First of all, I am only willing to live my values now…and not someone else’s. That means I put myself and the earth first, before the entreaties of corporate entities like oil, gas and plastic companies that don’t have my best interests at heart. Okay, yes, sometimes I will have to drive to, say, the doctor or the grocery store. But often I can just walk or bike when once I might have driven.

I’m beginning to realize my fealty to oil and gas has been purely habitual … like thinking of my bike as an ‘only sometimes for exercise’ ride. My city has lots of lovely walking and bike paths, and I know how to use them. And if I don’t want to walk, there’s a bike sharing station just down the street. I’m also no stranger to public transportation so I can use that as well. One way or another, I can get where I need to go without so much dependence on my car.

Here’s the self-care angle: all that walking and biking is bound to be good for my body, right?

Also, I’ve cut red meat entirely out of my diet. While I’ve often said I was going to do this, I would cave to the occasional burger or lamb craving. But now meat is officially off the table, given the effects of cattle raising on the planet. I’m even thinking I will take the plunge and try going vegan for a month, to completely remove cows from my life. The health benefits are obvious, and the meat alternatives plentiful. (I’m a particular fan of Impossible Burger.)

There are also all the low consumption tricks we can do in our homes… and some merge nicely with self-care. Washing your clothing in cold water preserves the fabric a lot better, and hanging clothes to dry in the sun adds a peaceful touch of Zen to the day. Reducing your dependency on screens gives your brain and your eyes a much needed rest, while it reduces stress on the power grid.

In fact, unplugging from the myriad sources of electronica will make my life far less stressful in general. Do I need to deeply immerse in social media and news feeds of all my devices? No. Instead, I can turn them off and return to reading good old books, and journaling in my notebook. I can start playing my piano again, and do more jigsaw puzzles. I can call my sisters, or old friends just to chat. Meditating seems to be a fit here, as well.

I can see plenty of walks in nature in my future, too. But this time I won’t be so focused on rushing along for the sweatiest workout. Now I’m inclined to move slowly and savor the natural, but fragile beauty around me. Which is, not coincidentally,  essential for optimal brain health. Not to mention an excellent way to beat anxiety and depression.

Can it be that by simply embracing green practices, my own self-care gets kicked up a notch as well? I say yes. And now I’m ready to develop an entirely new set of conscious, healthy habits.

I suspect I will not dive into them all at once, in one sweeping, radical do-or-die move. Instead, I will ease my way along, experimenting with what works and what doesn’t, so I can build a truly sustainable new set of green self-care practices that lasts the rest of my life.

At the very least, it’s not only what I want and need. It’s what the Earth clearly needs as well.

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Are Angels Really Around Us?

Did you know we all have signs when angels are present?

I know, I know … I didn’t believe in angels either. They always seemed obscure and just a little too otherworldly. At least, that’s what I believed until my daughter Teal died. Crazy thing is that  Teal has spoken to me many times from the Afterlife, in a way that can only be called angelic.

She literally tingles through me, like a little shock of electricity. Or she laughs—a sweet, high silvery laughter that seems to come from somewhere outside my body as it bubbles through me.

All I know is that I’m not laughing on my own accord when this happens. I feel like a radio turned to the Angel Channel. And that angel appears to be my disembodied daughter, who was, in fact, a true celebrator of life.

How do I know this is angelic Teal? Well, I don’t for a fact. But what I do know is pure Joy, basically. And that is what angels are all about, right? (Okay, so I suppose there is the so called Angel of Death as well, but for now, we’re focussing on the upbeat kind.)

Back to tracking those angels.  First of all, I suspect they don’t always have long gowns, flowing blond locks or big white wings. George Bailey’s guardian angel in ‘It’s a Wonderful LIfe‘ was a fusty old character named Clarence who wore 18th century long johns. (Loved that guy!)

If anything, angels are embodiments of light. They are the twinkling in our eye when we feel something wonderful. They are the high vibe buzz we get from being around someone who is light, radiant. Glowing.

The one ‘sighting’ I had of Teal in her angelic form was a waking vision in which she was pure white light emanating from my closed bathroom door. When I asked why she wouldn’t let me see her, she replied, “I don’t want you to get distracted.”

Good point. Angels in the flesh are probably mind-blowers.

Interestingly, my dear pal Debi saw Teal’s angelic glow. It happened in the recovery room, just after her daughter Amera received Teal’s heart and kidney through organ donation. As she walked into the room, and for a long time after, that same glowing white light lingered like a halo around Amera’s body. Debi thought she was seeing things.

But then her sister walked in the room and said, ‘Hey! She’s glowing.”

I also suspect that angels come surfing in to help us via our own quirky preferences. I love to listen to music while I drive, preferably up,  fun, funk or R&B or even old disco that’s plenty cranked up. It just makes me feel good.

No surprise then that this ‘high vibe’ experience is where I most often encounter my angelic support team. The minute the right music comes on, in comes my angel, rippling through me with laughter.

Sometimes I get a visual in my mind’s eye of a pack of cartoon ghosts all doing the Electric Slide. They seem to love disco.

So yeah, there is a visual sometimes, too. It occurs in that small animal part of the brain where one sees things beyond the realm of logic. For me, the key has been allowing it, not judging it, and just accepting that there are things out there I just can’t ever understand.

Finally, it appears that angels love a sweet surprise, a good joke, and most of all, a critical save. Indeed, this is often their purpose. The stories abound. A friend tells how she feel asleep at the wheel only to be woken up as her car gently drifted down the exit ramp—a turn she does not remember making. There was no explanation for it, beyond our ever present angels.

The Internet shares stories of those who have been saved by angels as they were about to drown or be raped at knifepoint. Others tell stories of guiding voices whispering in their ear, or of ‘knowing’ to do something improbable just in the nick of time. The solution is assured when an angel shows up.

I have often seen signs—multiple rainbows, for instance—as confirmation that something important is transpiring. Others report glowing balls that whizz by, or orbs that pop up in photographs. Still others report a certain smell, a breeze, or a freshness in the air. One of my friends reports that her late husband, who enjoyed marijuana, always used to show up as the scent of weed, though none was in the house.

Is all of this truly evidence that an angel is nigh? I couldn’t say.

What I do know is that from all reports the afterlife is a place of inestimable joy. And when my own personal angel arrives, I have a complete and total joy transfusion.

And that’s proof enough for me.

May your own angels visit you often, my friend. Enjoy it!

 

 

 

 

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How to Overcome Insomnia When You’re Too Stressed Out

For five grueling years, I had chronic insomnia, night after night. It was triggered by an unstable relationship followed by the sudden death of my daughter, both of which collided with menopause.

OB/GYN’s say insomnia is the most common complaint of the menopausal women they treat. Yet, chronic insomnia can also be set off by intense PTSD and grief. A recent NPR report indicates more than 60 million Americans suffer from insomnia. Only now, several years after my crises, do I sleep peacefully.

Here’s what my insomnia looked like. I’d wake up three to four hours after I fell asleep, so wide awake I could play a hand of cards, compose a business letter, or go organize my closets. It would take hours to fall back to sleep.

I tried nearly every remedy and read every book out there, some of which work better than others. I even took a seminar for health professionals about insomnia and the ‘over stimulated brain’.

I’m not one to turn to sleeping pills or sedative as ultimately, they only mask the problem. Once you stop taking them, your insomnia is still there … waiting patiently for you.

To that end, here’s the drug-free list of alternatives that have worked for me so far.

Keep a sleep log at night. This helps you track just how your behavior affects your sleep. Make columns for date & sleep percentage, time to bed, time you fell asleep, number of times you woke, total time awake, final time awake, time you got out of bed, and quality of sleep from 1 to 5. At the end leave a column for notes on what varied from day to day.

Update your sleep log each morning. Then calculate this:

# of minutes slept ÷ # of minutes in bed

Keep your log for a while, then track that sleep percentage each day relative to how your behavior varies. When you get at least five days of sleep over 90% you’ll know what’s working.

No simple carbs at night. Simple carbs like cookies, candy, cereal, potatoes, rice, white bread and baked goods can wake you up in the middle of the night when consumed in the afternoon or evening. “Reverse meals,” advised one doctor. Eat a big lunch and just some light protein and veggies, soup or fruit for dinner.

Create a dark cozy sanctuary with an eye pillow. Removing light pollution from your bedroom is often a key to a good night’s sleep. The best way I’ve found is with a small silk bag that’s like a beanbag filled with flax seeds. Eye pillows lay across your eyes keeping the light out from, say, a partner who likes to read after you go to sleep, or light pollution from the street.

Write down your worries. Keep a worry log and you’ll find out just how worried you actually are. If you write these thoughts down in a place other than your bedroom in the early evening and then put them away, you will naturally move concerns through your brain more easily at night. It also helps to schedule a time when you will resolve some of these issues.

Exercise daily. Even a 20-minute walk can help … but don’t work out just before bed. I find exercise takes the edge off of my natural anxiety and helps me chill out. Then I’m truly tired by bedtime.

Avoid alcohol. Yeah, we all know this one … personally I find it very true that when I have a glass of wine it will revisit me in the middle of the night and mess with my sleep.

Eliminate caffeine completely. One M.D. told me that we become more sensitive to caffeine as we get into mid-life. Furthermore, caffeine has been found to have a ‘half life’ that stays in your body an average of 5.7 hours after the buzz is gone. Certain genetic variants can keep the buzz going far longer so you sleep far more fitfully.

Keep your window open at night and use ear plugs if you need to. Simple but true. The body rests more deeply if slightly chilled. If you have ambient noise outside, silicone ear plugs are actually very effective.

Practice sleep restraint and keep a consistent sleep schedule. This is the single most effective remedy I have found for my insomnia. By keeping a sleep log (see #3) you will come to learn how much sleep you actually need to feel good. (Note: By mid-life, most of us tend to need less sleep than when we were younger. The average for people over 50 is actually 6.5 hours.)

Sleep restraint is modifying how long you stay in bed each night. It means getting up within three minutes of naturally waking up … whether you want to or not. So if you go to bed at 10AM and you wake up at 5:30 of 6AM, you get up, turn on the lights and start your day instead of rolling over. By the same turn keep yourself awake at night until your consistent bedtime arrives. If you have trouble staying awake, go for a brief walk. This will be uncomfortable at first but give it a few days and your body will adjust — and you’ll begin to stay more consistently.

Much of good sleep has to do with learned habit and association. So this teaches the body to use more of its time in bed actually sleeping.

Methodically relax your mind. When my mind is racing in the middle of the night, I lie in bed and quietly calm each part of my head, jaw, face, neck, shoulders, moving on through the body. It’s basically a way to methodically still the mind and relax the body. And it’s often the last thing I remember when trying to fall back to sleep.

Pull out a boring book and have at it.  Something about reading when unable to sleep relaxes the mind and effectively changes the channel from whatever you were fomenting on. I love the classics, like Ralph Waldo Emerson for this. A more esoteric favorite of mine is Your Soul’s Plan by Robert Schwartz, which can really help you embrace and accept tough things you may be going through.

May you find something helpful here in your quest for a good night’s sleep. I’d love to hear what has worked for you, so please leave any thoughts in a comment below. Thanks.

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How to (Possibly) Fall in Love with the Love of Your Life

Photo: Jay Wiley Photography

Is it possible to intentionally meet the person who is truly the love of your life? Not all of us are so lucky, of course. Some of us get stuck in various mindsets or situations which just flat out prevent great love. And yet… that doesn’t have to be the case.

If you’re open, you can indeed find that special person.

I was fortunate to find the true love of my life four years after I came out as a lesbian and moved across the country at age 52. Something was pulling me to the Bay Area, and I now know it was the woman who became my wife on the day pictured above. I cannot tell you how much joy this relationship has brought me.

Real and lasting love can happen, even later in life as it did for us. Here are some key steps I learned in the four-year process of evolution that led me to my great love.

1 Get clear that you are ready for this… and commit. Get on your knees and tell the Universe you’re ready. Or if that’s not your thing, tell yourself in a journal, or on a long walk in nature. Just … make sure you’re all in.

2. Let go of your old assumptions and stories about love. If you believe that you’ll always be unfairly treated, or ‘there are no good ones out there’ then that is what you’ll manifest. And true and lasting love will not be so likely to come your way. Instead, take the high road and assume your needs will be met by a loving Universe. Finding love is more about your inner growth than finding some mythic ‘right’ person who will magically make your relationship seamless.

3. Be honest about what you want in this relationship and make a list of those qualities. Write it all down. Then put it away and forget about it. Completely. Don’t even look at it, and no peeking until much much later. (See below.)

4. Make yourself truly available. Here’s where you have to be honest with yourself. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t working and there is no hope for repair, leave. If you’re a workaholic with no time for relationships, stop working so dang hard. If you are ‘too busy’ with family members get some support and make yourself available.

5. If life has provided a crisis-catalyst, take it as an opportunity. This might be the loss of a loved one, or a career, or a job, or an illness. It’s often the perfect time for a reset. This is where you sift and sort out the pieces of your now fractured life, and choose what to keep and what to let go of. Be discerning. You can trust your desires to lead you. Ultimately, this will bring your life back into alignment if you allow it.

6. Do not rush into a new relationship, but spend time with yourself. Learn how to become utterly satisfied with YOU. If you’re not used to being a lone, this is going to seem a little strange at first, but you can do it. After a while, taking yourself on ‘dates’ becomes a lot of fun—you get to do exactly what you want and nothing more, nothing less. Feeding your long held desires is the key. What have you always wanted to learn or do? Where have you always wanted to go? In no time, new comforting ways of being with yourself will emerge.

7. Work on your rough edges. If you’re serious about a great relationship, this is the time to become humble. To work on becoming the very best YOU that you can be. This might involve getting profession help, joining a recovery or support group, or doing some workshops. For me, I read dozens of self-help book and had weekly talks with my sister to reconstruct what happened in our childhoods. I also used a therapist and support groups to really grow and thrive. And in doing so… I met a whole new network of healing, humble, wonderful people.

8. When you’re ready to date again, get feedback. Find a wing-woman to come along, or have someone you can review the possible candidates with after each date. KEY: It’s not about how they look on paper—it’s about what they said and did on the early dates. This will tell you everything you need to know. Dazzling you with expensive meals and gifts is actually not as important as being a good listener, demonstrating kindness, emotional maturity, and true availability. I actually hired a dating coach who made me see a few women I dated were not appropriate choices for me, including one who wasn’t entirely done with a previous relationship! Remember… YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Where you meet these potential dates is not as important as vetting them thoroughly with others before you go off the deep end into the land of no return. If a friend offers to set you up on a blind date with someone ‘really great’, have a different friend in your corner to give you honest feedback as you review the date afterwards.

9. Take it easy and have lots of options. Do not commit to that someone special until you’ve been on multiple dates with them AND multiple others. Don’t go exclusive with some guy you meet at midnight in a bar… much as your heart might yearn to. Give it time. Remember everyone’s a stranger until we really learn who they are. Slow going and patience are what will get you there. Can’t keep from falling for the first person you date? Read this very helpful book. The Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu. Her strategy is a good one.

10. Once you think you’ve found someone special, take a look at that list from #3. Perhaps your new love won’t tick off every box you checked … but now ask yourself honestly. How important is that particular quality? By now you may be VERY astute at knowing your wants and needs, because you’ve been listening to them throughout this process and responding to them.

It is, of course, possible you will carefully follow these steps and NOT find that great love. We never know what the Universe has in mind for us. But think of it this way… either wya, you’ll have grown immensely from this process in your own self-love. And friend… isn’t that ultimately, the greatest love of all?

Good luck … here’s to cracking open that big, fine heart of yours!

 

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Some Shocking News About Why You Really Need That Vacation

Here’s a pre-pandemic fact that will send a chill down your spine.

In the coming year, more than 54% of Americans are likely not to use all of their vacation days. That is more than half of all workers … nearly 80 million people.

Now, post-pandemic, I suspect that number is actually higher. Because some of us may be feeling squeamish about travel, even after vaccination. And yet … what’s also true is that taking regular vacation time is critical for your health.  Here’s another scary fact.

Researchers at Oxford report that women who only take one vacation every six years are eight times more likely to develop heart disease than those who take two vacations every year.

Pandemic or not, that figure will not change. The truth is that your body and your mind both need at least one good vacation per year. You return refreshed, relaxed and ready to dig in again. And that sense of well-being is not just an illusion. A CNN study finds that vacations can improve your work productivity by nearly 80%.

Furthermore, a Vienna study found that workers returned from vacations with fewer stress-related complaints like back aches and headaches. And they still felt better five weeks later. That’s powerful, right?

Roger Dow, President of the U.S. Travel Association notes that ‘People who take more time off tend to get more promotions.” Still the anti-vacation bias lingers on.

Again, for those not sure yet about travel post-pandemic, consider this. It’s just waaaaay too easy to keep on hunkering down in your cocoon, staying safe. If that’s you, consider what the benefits of even getting away for 2 or 3 days can be.  And ask yourself this big question– do you experience ‘vacation shame’ if you ask for time off from work?

Roughly 70% of American millennials—the same generation who’ve had to beg and scramble for their jobs—are afraid to take time off. When they do, nearly 70% feel vacation shamed by colleagues and bosses.

According to Forbes Magazine, vacation shaming is when co-workers and bosses discourage worker vacations with guilt trips and peer pressure. In other words, it means you’re simply not dedicated. Just not a ‘team player’.

Even though, ironically, such time off can seriously improve your work output.

Perhaps the issue is that collectively, as a culture, we continue to believe that we’ll never get it all done. So we slog on at work, with no end in sight.

In Europe, by contrast, extended vacations that last for weeks or months are common. In Norway, vacation takes the form of a public holiday called fellesferrie. Every July for two to four weeks, companies simply close or run on summer hours.

In France, this is a law across all industries. All workers get a guaranteed five-week vacation period every year. Employees at Le Figaro, the national newspaper, get eight weeks of paid vacation. In addition, if they work more than a very reasonable 35 hours per week … they get even more time off.

This explains why so much of Paris closes down in July and August.

And yet, it doesn’t even take weeks or months to get a good rest. Researchers have found the ideal vacation length is actually eight days. That’s when a good vacation peaks and crests. After that, you may even begin to get itchy to get back to work.

With a little strategic planning, you can even turn fourteen paid vacation days into three week long vacations per year.

For those who still aren’t convinced, consider this fact according to psychotherapist and author Jonathan Alpert.

You can get nearly as much benefit from a three-day getaway as you can from a week’s vacation. That’s just one three-day getaway. I’ve personally been enjoying several three day getaways in the last few months. In fact, the picture above is from one of them to San Simeon on the Central Coast in California, where I live.

If getting away on an average week long vacation seems too risky in light of COVID, or you’re just not ready to emerge yet, consider a shorter benefit–the rewards will be truly be worth it.

And don’t you deserve it?

The post Some Shocking News About Why You Really Need That Vacation appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

What I Learned When I Came Out

It can take a lot to be gay.

Coming out isn’t like a coat you just put on one day. Or a decision you make because it’s who you want to be.

Rather, claiming your queer identity is a slow burning knowing that gnaws away at you, until you do something about it.

For me… I waited. And avoided. And pretended. And repressed. I didn’t come out as a lesbian until I was 52. By then I’d raised two kids and had a husband for 25 years. And day after day, I’d been the van-driving soccer mom who tried like hell not to want women.

I was the ‘good girl’ raised to please her conservative parents. So I waited until one had been dead for 30 years and the other had serious dementia. That way I’d never have to tell them who I really was.

But God bless him, I married a man who was much more broad minded. And who could see me for who I was. By the end of our marriage, he was encouraging me to own myself fully.

“If you have to leave me and come out,” he told me on a walk one day, ”then I’ll just have to accept it.”

I protested loudly that afternoon. “I’ll NEVER leave you!” I insisted. For the sad truth was, I was so used to being a straight pretender that I could barely wrap my head around being queer and out. It seemed perilous… and who would want me, anyway?

This touched new levels of vulnerability I couldn’t even imagine. So I waited.

But within a year, a remarkable thing had happened. I met a gay man named Jeffrey at a conference. Conveniently, he lived in that citadel of all things gay, San Francisco. In no time, I’d decided to merge my business with his… and not long after that I started to think about leaving.

And starting over again.

By then my daughter was launched and no longer living at home, and my son would depart in four months to be an exchange student overseas for a year. It seemed the time to make the leap was now.

I had a dream then in which my long dead father came to me in a white robe. Around us I saw Jeffrey’s gay neighborhood in the Castro. “I’m moving there,” I said, and my father nodded his head and smiled. I dropped to my hands and knees, and began vomiting up all kinds of old, rotting text. They were all the negative beliefs I’d been force-fed about being gay. About being an ‘other.

I woke up relieved, knowing I had to make a move.

Actually claiming my space as a lesbian was remarkably easy. In no time I’d reestablished myself in San Francisco, after driving my tiny moving truck west. I made a practice of staying open, seeing what would happen next.

I found meetup groups, like the local gay and lesbian chapter of the Sierra Club. I went to queer dances, and had awkward but still strangely right flashbacks to high school. I met a pretty girl and we danced at a club until midnight. Then we sat in front of my building and made out.

This was working. Every day as I walked down Market Street and saw all the Pride flags fluttering around me, I knew I’d done the right thing.

I weathered a tough first lesbian relationship that lasted a little more than a year. A few years passed, things happened, and only then, when the exact moment arrived and I was no longer a scared ‘newbie’, I met the woman who is now my wife.

If you ever doubt that true love can happen later in life, when you’re living as no one other than yourself, don’t.

I am truly the happiest, and the most ‘me’ I’ve ever been in my entire life. I have an incredible community and get to spend each day with the love of my life.

All because one day I finally decided to take a chance on me and speak my truth.

If you’re sitting on the edge of reason, come out my friend.

Trust me. You really can trust who you are.

Happy Pride!

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