Suzanne Falter's Blog, page 3

Self-Care Gifts (and Treats) for Extremely Busy Women

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know I believe self-care  truly is an inside job. But just sometimes… a few luxuries are REALLY nice. So here’s a collection of some of my favorite self-care essentials.

I consider them my ‘self-care treasures’, and they are personal favorites. May they inspire you to purchase a few for yourself, or someone you care about.

 

Take a Tea Break

Have you ever considered a lovely cup of tea as an alternative to your coffee habit? Teas can have medicinal properties, and yes… they can be caffeinated, too, but far less than coffee.

 

Oolong tea has half the caffeine of coffee, and green tea has about a third. And they’re kinder to your gut! Here are some of my favorites plus a tea maker that is just so easy to use. I always steep a second cup to save for later.

 

Republic of Tea Milky Oolong Tea

Fruity, nutty, just delicious!

 

Tao of Tea Jasmine Pearls

Each of these tiny ‘pearls’ was hand-rolled for you by someone on a south Asian tea farm. Lovely flavor!

 

The VADHAM Imperial Tea Maker

Genius design and easy to use.

 

And just for fun… Here’s one of my favorite mugs!

 

Get Better Sleep

I bought this eye pillow and was delighted it has two covers—practical and fun!

My very favorite eye pillow from Dream Time adds a bit of weight and a hit of lavender for supporting sleep. One side silk, the other velvet.

Energetix Melatonin Spray delivers this awesome sleep hormone in an under the tongue spray that is works fast and efficiently. Perfect delivery!

 

 

Time to Sit and Think

 

Here’s a delightful journal that is just plain cool. It has refillable pages so you can keep on going with it indefinitely. AND it’s simply beautiful. Love the colors it comes in!

 

As I like to say, there’s nothing you can’t understand with a journal and a pen in hand. PS. With a lovely pen, this would be a great gift for someone who’s going through something big.

 

If you resist meditation – or even if you love it—why not sweeten the experience with a Zafu, or cushion, that feels great? I sit every morning on a cushion made from coffee husks. Comfortably supportive.

 

Conscious Relaxation & Fun

Remember coloring books? They have been clinically proven to reduce stress, especially when th

e subject is something soothing or significant. I love these two coloring books, especially. They really do work their magic when you slow down and tune in to them.

The Tarot Coloring Book shares the imagery from the classic Rider Waite deck in large images with great explanations. A fun way to explore Tarot.

 

And who doesn’t love a coloring book full of mandalas? The designs in this one are easy to pick up and put down for quick coloring, thanks to spiral binding. Beautiful collection!

 

Here are some perfect coloring pens Amy Maricle of Mindful Art Studio recommended on my podcast.

 

 

 

 

Good Clean Fun in the Tub

The bathtub is my happy place—so much bone-deep relaxation can happen here. So why not make yours into a perfect sanctuary? Or offer as much to a dear friend?

Here is a sweet collection of scented Epsom Salts that have three different scent options—so you can always suit your mood.

 

 

 

 

My favorite soap leaves your skin unbelievably soft and nourished—Zum Bars have a lovely handcrafted look and feel. And man, do they smell GREAT! Here’s a nice gift set.

 

I hope you enjoyed these ideas and decide to give yourself or a friend a much-deserved treat. Any products you purchase from this post will help my keep my blog and podcast thriving, as I get a (very) small commission. So… thanks!

The post Self-Care Gifts (and Treats) for Extremely Busy Women appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Yes, You Really Can Heal Your Anger… I Am!

I’m generally known to be a very nice person. Perhaps even too nice sometimes. And yet… underneath that well-groomed, well-behaved exterior lies a tiger, waiting to pounce.

The fact is I can get angry. Very angry. So I’ve had to learn how to work with the behemoth that is my anger.
Here’s how it goes.

Someone around me is having a bad day, or maybe a particularly harried moment. They snap. My hackles go up, and I snarl back. Or at least that’s how it was until recent years.

Now I have a strategy I employ when the going gets rough. I take myself off to another room, I close the door, and I do something I’ve found to be immensely helpful. I ask myself what’s going on.

In those tense moments, it’s so very easy to imagine the issue rests entirely with the other one.

My mind can so easily spin and snap. How could she say that? What exactly did he mean? Yet now… things are mellower because I finally understand that I am the one who’s having the big reaction. Psychotherapists would say I am triggered.

And boy–it takes a lot to get rid of the illusion that it’s all entirely the other guy’s fault. Yet, it seldom is.

Rather than being able to calmly let the other person just have his moment, and give him a compassionate reply or a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, my poor triggered self must run down memory lane and enter the gates of hell. In a nanosecond, my psyche replays all the times I felt shamed, or afraid, or bullied, or abused.

So instead of being present in the moment with this grumpy person, I’m back in sixth grade, being humiliated in the girl’s locker room. Or my long-dead mother is standing in front of me shaking her finger, reminding me how selfish and impossible I am.

The path back to shame and anger is so well worn, I just have to go there. And yet, there can be course correction.

What I’ve come to realize is that when I’m triggered, my oversized upset is usually far bigger than the situation merits. Which is why holding my tongue and retreating is such a good idea.

Once I’m alone, the first thing I do is to allow myself to feel as upset, outraged, fearful and bewildered as I want. I give myself a break knowing that this old psyche has some dings, and that I will eventually work my way back to a calm frame of mind.

I also remind myself that moments like these are inevitable … and that I can learn from them every time. Instead of spinning endlessly through the story of what just occurred, I take a tender look back into my past.

Sometimes I can even remember a similar time from childhood when I felt so powerless, or vulnerable, or afraid. I try to get to the  actual source of what has me so triggered. If I need to have a cry, I do. Or perhaps I do a little journaling in the moment.

Either way, I sit with my feelings until I feel myself finally calm down.

Then, most importantly, I remind myself not to take the other person’s upset personally. Sometimes, this is the hardest thing to do – because like I said, that path of shame and rage is so well worn.

The truth is that the other person’s upset probably has nothing to do with me. Chances are that she also feels horrible in that moment.

And, of course, I clean up where necessary. Did I cause some harm here? I open my eyes and take a good hard look, because I also know this: I am imperfect — and I’m going to make a lot more mistakes in my lifetime.

If there is some personal responsibility I need to take or an apology I need to make, I do it immediately. A clean slate also helps my psyche stay calm and relaxed.

The bottom line is this: when we own our anger – really own it, by sitting with it and even exploring it – we can heal it. These days I’m not as angry as I used to be. Instead, I find myself getting humbler and humbler.

Each time I sit with my triggers, I understand just a wee bit more about this complex, crazy creation that is me.

So my tiger is learning how to lie down and relax.

And that makes life all the sweeter.

Excerpted from my book, The Joy of Letting Go: Helpful Thoughts for Challenging Times

The post Yes, You Really Can Heal Your Anger… I Am! appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

The Magic and the Challenge of Letting Go

Sometimes I go back through my archive of nearly 400 blog posts, and I look for the one that speaks to me right now.  I chose this one because we are making some changes to our house at the moment, and the process requires a LOT of letting go for me. It’s something I used to struggle with more…but when life is intense and stress is high, well, we can all use a reminder! Even when we’re written a book about letting go.

So this one’s for you… and me.

**************

When confronted with a massive life transition, I will hang on like a terrier, sinking my sharp little teeth in deeper and deeper, until simple exhaustion finally forces me to let go.

I’m happy to say the terrier lets go far more easily these days. But only because I’ve learned what lies on the other side of that monumental letting go.

What do I mean by ‘letting go’?

Letting go is recognizing that:

Something doesn’t workThat something will not change on its own accordA fundamental truth needs to be told … followed by action

In other words, I must step out of denial and back into reality.

A relationship I had several years ago comes to mind. It was a classic case of the rabid terrier refusing to own the truth that there was no way the two of us were going to ‘make it’. All we were making was a mess, which we’d been making since Day One.

I was in denial about the following things:

My would-be partner was not actually in love with me, although there was a great deal of ‘like very much’ going onHer massive resistance to the relationship, including everything from frank and frequent criticism of me to withholding sex was not okayIt was also not okay to walk around all the time on pins and needles, trying like hell to get her to love meI could not think, manage or force this relationship to be anything other than it was

Oh, I thought I had it all figured out. But now I was endlessly clinging. Endlessly strategizing and trying to change to be someone other than I was. I tried being quiet, then I tried being talkative. I tried cooking my way to redemption. Hell, I even let her pick out all of my clothing.

‘If only I could be better … then she would finally love me’ went my own diseased thinking.

What I didn’t know then is that letting go always, inevitably leads to something better. It simply has to, for this is the way of the Universe. To paraphrase the movie, The Best, Exotic Marigold Hotel, if your problem has not yet worked out, then it is not yet the end.

Life is nothing but a continuous process of letting go.

We are constantly being called to let go of love, money, fame, glory, acceptance, children, health, youth, and so many treasured but often unobtainable goals. It’s one release after another, until finally at the end, we let go of life itself.

And always, always, on the other side of that release is the unknown. Which is exactly what we fear the most. And yet here is exactly where you find the magic.

How desperately I clung to my faux-love. I even gave up my apartment in San Francisco, bought a car, and moved in to the new apartment she’d gotten in Marin County. I did this even though she came to me shortly before we moved, saying she had doubts about the relationship.

I did this even though my name was not on the lease, nor did I have a parking space. And even though, I had doubts about the relationship as well.

At the time, I was in denial, and denial is the most powerful of drugs. When she ended the relationship a few months later and I walked away, I was surprised to discover that I was relieved.

Finally, someone had the courage to tell the truth, and so the tension was lifted. The unknown had arrived. I had been thrust into the void once again.

And, actually, the void wasn’t so bad after all. I’ve found it has a certain brilliance to it. For it is here that we become formless, and so we can finally, slowly embrace the truth – our truth. And in doing so, we transform.

This is the work of the Hindu goddess Kali, fierce lover of destruction and chaos, Goddess of Time, Change and Creation. Not long after our break up, I put a small statue of the dancing Kali on the dashboard of my car, as I wandered, trying to find my right place.

And there she still stands, encouraging me to let go into the void, carry my sword and feel my true power.

Recently I told a friend facing the void of retirement that it’s like dismantling a house. Down must go all of our dreams, our hopes and even our identity. It must all be taken apart completely, the detritus moved out and the rooms emptied. For only then can we remove the dust, sweep up the dirt and get rid of the outdated junk. Only then can true reinvention begin.

This process of letting go has its share of pain and suffering, but our inner Kali can help us to embrace it. For once the way is laid truly bare, then the sweetest transformation can take place. Then we can finally tell the truth, and begin to put the warm arm of compassion around our own shoulders.

For me, what followed the end of this relationship, and the death of my daughter three months later, was nothing less than a radical transformation of everything I was. And everything I believed.

I discovered life anew, and walked around day after day being mind blown by what I was discovering. For one thing, I found my values had been completely lost. I also realized I hadn’t had much fun in forever – and that I’d set my life up to revel in addictive behaviors that did nothing for my soul.

We can walk away from such moments shaking our head, saying, “What was I thinking?” Then, slowly and with a great deal of self-care, we can begin again to rebuild, one tender step at a time. And one single day at a time.

So we become patient with ourselves, and we learn to listen to our heart as we create anew, this time informed by the wisdom of destruction.

For destruction always leads to something better. But only if we let it. There is no hurrying this process of reinvention, dear friend. Nor should there be.

There can only be surrender to the beautiful path of life, which will always deliver us just to where we need to be.

***
This essay is an excerpt from my book, The Joy of Letting Go.

 

 

The post The Magic and the Challenge of Letting Go appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

How’s Your Vibe? (A Guide to Raising It)

 

Maybe it’s just because I live in California. But often, I think about the vibration of things.

 To me vibration is that quiet, subtle, essential energy that exists in our moods, and often environments. Perhaps even objects emanate vibrations—I don’t really know.

I just know that when I walk into a new place I haven’t been before, I often get a feeling in my body. A sense that goes beyond words that tells me this is a welcoming place, or one that’s not so friendly.

 It shows up in the pit of my stomach, or a tension in my upper back. It can be a feeling that crosses my mind.

Perhaps you’ve had the experience of walking down the street and you suddenly feel yourself in danger. Maybe someone passing by makes the hairs rise on the back of your neck. Or you find yourself opening up unexpectedly to a stranger on a train or an airplane—a seat mate you feel you just innately trust.

 By the same turn, I know when I, myself, am giving off a positive or negative vibe. I can be tense, and terse and controlling. I get a frown my children used to call ‘Mommy Mouth’—a look of slight annoyance usually accompanied by hands on hips.

 Or sometimes I feel relaxed and carefree, easy and content. That’s when my vibe is high and I’m a lot more fun to be around. It’s a LOT more fun to live with a high vibe.

 So what does it take to actively raise our vibration?

 Self-Care, pure and simple.

 Here are few quick ideas for raising your own vibe, when too many negative mindsets threaten to shipwreck your day. Even when the events of the world threaten to overwhelm us.

Ask yourself how you’re doing. Really. Just take a moment to check in, and dissolve into that silence.Notice what your hara is telling you. Put a hand on your gut, and actively breathing into your hara—that spot around the navel that Chinese acupuncturists call ‘Spirit Gate’.Acupuncture educator Dr. Skye Abbate explains it this way: ‘The hara is not just an anatomical location, but as the Dan Tian or center of the energy of our body we gain our core physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual health. For in many ways we are as healthy and as calm, centered and peaceful as the hara.”Give yourself a moment to process and release whatever emotion is sitting right there. Just feel it…and let it go. No need to understand why. This morning’s yoga brought a quick sob up for me, as I did a hip opening exercise that always makes me cry.I have no idea why I was crying. I just was. And man, did it feel great to let that old bit of grief pass by. I was so relaxed afterwards!Close your eyes and thank yourself for being you. Simple, but effective. You don’t need a reason to thank yourself. You’re just here. You’re breathing. You’re occupying this Earth. And you belong here, one hundred percent. So, friend… celebrate that beautiful fact!Do something nice for someone else. Perhaps give a hug, tell someone you love them. Practice a random act of kindness for a stranger. Just … make a small difference today. It doesn’t have to be big to raise your vibe. You end up feeling great…and that is the point!Go have some fun! Need I say more?Remember that everything is happening for a reason—even the hard stuff. It’s all part of our evolution as individuals and as a global community. I learned that when my daughter Teal died in 2012, and my life and I were both radically transformed forever.No matter how tough life gets, there is always, eventually, a resolution—a movement towards the light.Darkness can never persist indefinitely, friend. It disturbs the precious balance of the Earth, and our delicate connection with all of our fellow humans whom, whether we know it or not, we exist with in love.All we have to do is keep on tapping into our own personal Grace. Our connection to ourselves. Our vibe.

May this help you raise yours today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The post How’s Your Vibe? (A Guide to Raising It) appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Healing the Echoes of a Borderline Parent

Do you have trauma in your body from being raised by a dysfunctional parent, perhaps someone with borderline personality disorder?

Like damaged skin that only shows its age marks decades after the sunburn, the shadows of this trauma are real and they follow us through our lives. And it can take a long time to become aware of this.

I know this from processing my own trauma about my own childhood. And exploring just how it changed me.

What got me started was reading an excellent book titled Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem. The authors, Kimberlee Roth, Freda B. Friedman and Randi Kreger, really lay out just what this kind of parenting costs us in our day to day lives.

It’s pretty shocking, when you get down to it.

Estimates are that 1.6 of the general population of the US suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.) That would be 20% of all psychiatric in patients. My own mother was among them when she was hospitalized multiple times in the 70’s, while I was a teenager.

Here’s what I notice now, 50 years later. Even at age 63, I can feel the automatic response to recoil when offered the chance to expand my work and be more visible, more successful.

Watch it, Mom will be jealous, warns my subconscious, forgetting she’s been dead for 10 years and she can longer come after me.

I’ve worked on that particular issue for a long, long time, and it has lifted. But oh…so gradually, my friend. As if I could barely trust just how safe it actually is to emerge.

Like a goldfish gradually becoming aware she’s in very dirty water, the waking up has been slow. And that’s how it is. We think it’s ‘normal’ to have a parent who’s in our head, 24/7, tearing us down and making us feel unsafe.

So we cope.

For years I attempted to control everyone around me, in an effort to stay safe. That’s what you learn when the home environment you’re raised in can at any moment go from tranquil oasis to screaming hell.

I’ve often had that impulse to mollify and pacify those around me, often called ‘The Disease to Please’. I’ve had to learn to set boundaries one step at a time, and put the focus back on myself, a process that’s only become automatic after many years.

Reclaiming how I actually feel about things—me, Suzanne—required a major breakthrough.

I eschewed gifts and interests that came naturally, like my singing. For instance, I always joined choirs to hide away in the crowd, though I knew I was meant to be soloing out front. It was better to hide my light, my reasoning went until only that last few years.

I still have shoulders and a neck that are as stiff as a board, from decades of protecting my heart. And for reasons I still don’t get, hips that store grief like there’s no tomorrow. For years in yoga, the hip opening exercises made me sob.

This, I realize now, was a direct result of the abuse of my childhood, when it definitely wasn’t safe to be big, loud, talented, rambunctious Me.

If you, too, were raised by a mother or father who continually made you feel like the larger You didn’t actually exist, take heart. There is a way forward, and it can be powerful. And empowering! Because what better teacher is there than our own mothers and fathers?

Some might even say they were here to challenge us to claim our space, and strengthen our resolve to be happy. I’ve had to work to release Boo’s voice in my head, mainly by affirming my own worth, my own boundaries. My own right to succeed and be happy. And to be a lesbian, as well.

This gradual waking up happens one day at a time, one step at a time. Then, when it finally does, life gets very, very sweet. And it is a beautiful reward.

Now I find myself on a path to a new level of emerging, as I bring my self-care work for extremely busy people into workplaces. And as I help build the Bay Area jazz-pop trio I always wanted to be in, singing the songs I’ve always loved.

When you bring your full attention to your own needs and impulses—and you let them fly unfettered—what you get is a life you love, no matter your wounds. And this is a life that positively impacts everyone around you.

The sun has come out, and the path is clear, despite our messages from the past.

And isn’t that just how it should be for all of us?

The post Healing the Echoes of a Borderline Parent appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

The Superpower of Getting Grounded

Where are you with appreciating the raw stuff of life?

It your gratitude parked somewhere on a shelf, as you focus instead on everything that’s hard? That’s worrisome?

That’s scary?

I know I woke up with a mighty case of anxiety this morning. And the only thing that cracked that particular egg was self-care. I put off work for a few hours, knowing I could work from 11 to 6 instead of 9 to 5.

Then I lay down on my bed, and indulged in a good twenty minutes of Yoga Nidra. (This is a guided meditation that leads one into a restful ‘yogic sleep’ in which you are relaxed, yet awake.)

I fought off the demons in my head that kept endlessly repeating frightening tidbits in the media, and what someone said to someone. While I could see that none of it was cause for general alarm, my central nervous system hadn’t gotten the message. So I fretted. In a loop.

Honestly, I was a mess until I fully, completely relaxed. After meditation, I spent a little time being grateful for specific things. This always makes me feel infinitely better, as I tune into the many blessings I’ve been given in this small life.

Then I took one more self-care step and went grocery shopping. For me, my weekly visit to our local grocery, Berkeley Bowl, is an exercise in community and abundance. Here I really can get anything I want. I found Mexican hominy for pozole. I found my favorite Japanese furikake seasoning, that I have on my poached eggs in the morning.

I shop alongside the grandmothers from Central America, India and Little Italy, the professors from Cal, the tech kids buying Impossible Burgers. Once I even saw one of the Golden State Warriors there, shopping with his mother.

And yes, I found a damn good bottle of Sauvignon Blanc at a reasonable price, as well as my all-time-favorite must-have-every-week dark chocolate bar. (Alter Eco’s Brown Butter bar.)

Somehow walking the aisles of Berkeley Bowl puts me back together. It gives me a realm in which I have total control for a little while. As long as I can cook a really good dinner for my wife and myself, life will go on as it is. This is a central fact around which my world revolves.

Once I got home, put the groceries away, and got the pozole going in the slow cooker … well, then I was ready to work. And not one moment sooner.

This is being in flow, and it’s a process that relies on being present in my body. It requires real trust as I head for what folks in Recovery call ‘the next right thing’. As usual, my body tells me what and where it is, and I’m grateful for that highly precise navigation.

(Try it for a moment… just close your eyes and listen. Is your body trying to tell you something?)

To get there, I simply have to tune in to my body, my heart and soul—sometimes with my hand on my belly—and listen. Then I must be willing to do what it says, even if it insists I start work a few hours later than usual. It usually understands far more about how to proceed than I do, so I go with it.

Now as I work, I am calm and grounded. I’m actually efficient. Gone are the gremlins that chewed at my serenity a few hours back, and the always tempting desire to procrastinate.

Instead, I tick items off my list, one after another. I’m in flow and it feels so very, very good.

Maybe what I’m doing is what my late daughter Teal used to call ‘just being’.

Thich Naht Hanh put it this way: “Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.”

And while you’re at it, consider cooking a lovely meal for yourself along the way. It will help you become far more at peace.

The post The Superpower of Getting Grounded appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

A Nod to the Power of Getting Grounded

Dear reader: Sometimes I feel called to re-run a blog from the past because it’s just so relevant to where we are, right here and right now. Seems like this one’s a good fit for today, as the world cranks up the challenges. This first appeared here in October of 2020. May it soothe you today.

Where are you with appreciating the raw stuff of life?

It your gratitude parked somewhere on a shelf, as you focus instead on everything that’s hard? That’s worrisome?

That’s scary?

I know I woke up with a mighty case of anxiety this morning. And the only thing that cracked that particular egg was self-care. I put off work for a few hours, knowing I could work from 11 to 6 instead of 9 to 5.

Then I lay down on my bed, and indulged in a good twenty minutes of Yoga Nidra. (This is a guided meditation that leads one into a restful ‘yogic sleep’ in which you are relaxed, yet awake.)

I fought off the demons in my head that kept endlessly repeating frightening tidbits in the media, and what someone said to someone. While I could see that none of it was cause for general alarm, my central nervous system hadn’t gotten the message. So I fretted. In a loop.

Honestly, I was a mess until I fully, completely relaxed. After meditation, I spent a little time being grateful for specific things. This always makes me feel infinitely better, as I tune into the many blessings I’ve been given in this small life.

Then I took one more self-care step and went grocery shopping. For me, my weekly visit to our local grocery, Berkeley Bowl, is an exercise in community and abundance. Here I really can get anything I want. I found Mexican hominy for pozole. I found my favorite Japanese furikake seasoning, that I have on my poached eggs in the morning.

I shop alongside the grandmothers from Central America, India and Little Italy, the professors from Cal, the tech kids buying Impossible Burgers. Once I even saw one of the Golden State Warriors there, shopping with his mother.

And yes, I found a damn good bottle of Sauvignon Blanc at a reasonable price, as well as my all-time-favorite must-have-every-week dark chocolate bar. (Alter Eco’s Brown Butter bar.)

Somehow walking the aisles of Berkeley Bowl puts me back together. It gives me a realm in which I have total control for a little while. As long as I can cook a really good dinner for my wife and myself, life will go on as it is. This is a central fact around which my world revolves.

Once I got home, put the groceries away, and got the pozole going in the slow cooker … well, then I was ready to work. And not one moment sooner.

This is being in flow, and it’s a process that relies on being present in my body. It requires real trust as I head for what folks in Recovery call ‘the next right thing’. As usual, my body tells me what and where it is, and I’m grateful for that highly precise navigation.

(Try it for a moment… just close your eyes and listen. Is your body trying to tell you something?)

To get there, I simply have to tune in to my body, my heart and soul—sometimes with my hand on my belly—and listen. Then I must be willing to do what it says, even if it insists I start work a few hours later than usual. It usually understands far more about how to proceed than I do, so I go with it.

Now as I work, I am calm and grounded. I’m actually efficient. Gone are the gremlins that chewed at my serenity a few hours back, and the always tempting desire to procrastinate.

Instead, I tick items off my list, one after another. I’m in flow and it feels so very, very good.

Maybe what I’m doing is what my late daughter Teal used to call ‘just being’.

Thich Naht Hanh put it this way: “Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.”

And while you’re at it, consider cooking a lovely meal for yourself along the way. It will help you become far more at peace.

The post A Nod to the Power of Getting Grounded appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

The Forgotten Power of Your Breath

I just finished an online yoga class, and I noticed something. Every last time I do yoga, I walk away breathing more completely. More fully.

It makes me feel great.

Our breath is often an underused asset—a secret source of power that can make the difference between feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and panicky and feeling serene, calm and grounded. Here’s why.

Studies have proven that there is a strong association between anxiety and respiratory symptoms like shortness of breath. You might feel like you have a lump in your throat, or heart palpitations, or you may feel faint, dizzy or unsteady.

And yet… it doesn’t have to be that way.

NPR reports that research proves it. Yogic and other breathing exercises can have an immediate impact on changing blood pressure and even altering the pH level of our blood. But more critically, breathing exercises train the body to respond differently to stress. Such breathing even changes our production of stress hormones.

All you have to do is just take three or four deep breaths when stress hits. Then your relaxation response kicks in, and your body naturally relaxes. It literally can’t help it.

Try it right now. Just take three deep, cleansing breaths. Then see how you feel.

Cool, huh? That’s the good old ‘Relaxation Response’, a la Harvard researcher Herbert Benson. (If you suffer from chronic anxiety, you may want his book. It’s seriously a game changer.)

I discovered the power of breathing in yoga years ago. Such classic pranayama practices as Alternate Nostril Breathing and Breath of Fire are staples in most yoga classes. And they are both seriously invigorating and calming at the same time.

But I also discovered the power of my breathing in my voice lessons. I’m a trained singer, and most recently studied with R&B vocal legend Raz Kennedy. Raz taught me to access what he calls ‘Helen’ when I need to really wail on a power note.

Here’s what ‘Helen’ is: If you put your hands on the sides of your ribs, and breathe in and hold it, you’ll activate your diaphragm. This effectively seals off your chest, allowing you to hold extra air and support those big notes. ‘Helen’ is how singers keep from going flat, and losing their note.

As it turns out, I’d been trying to sing without enough breath, which is seriously doing it the hard way.

“Come on—get Helen on board,” Raz would remind me as I was moving towards a big note. I’d press my ribs out, hold on for dear life to my new best friend, Helen, and my singing would suddenly become effortless.

Lesson learned: We have a lot more breath in these bodies than we even realize. Turns out I’d also been trying to do life in general without adequate breath. How often do we notice we’re ‘not even breathing’… or barely breathing… when we’re tired or stressed? Or just trying to get things done? Yet, breathing powers us through all of it.

These days, in my singing, my lap swimming, and my yoga I’m reminded again and again to call on my breath. That’s when I revel in how great it feels to really inhale. And then I notice the simple pleasure of a slow, truly complete, easy exhale.

We breathe in and out all day long, yet we barely ever pay a bit of attention to it. Yet that same breath can be a treasured resource… if we remember to use it.

And remember, three deep breaths take no time at all. Even the busiest person has time for this.

“Mom, just breathe,” my late daughter Teal used to say when I’d get cranked up about something.

Turns out she was absolutely right.

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The Bad Habits That Drive Self-Sabotage (and What to Do About Them)

Sometimes a light comes on somewhere in the depths of your mind…and you can see your reality for what it actually is. Recently I had one of those moments.

Since my work writing fiction recently ended, I’ve begun to see how quiet I’ve been about my other work. Particularly, the speaking and workshops I’ve been doing ‘on the side’ since 1994. 

In the last 30 years, I’ve spoken to audiences ranging from first responders, attorneys and transplant nurses to advertising executives, budding writers, and burned out real estate agents. One of my workshops was licensed by more than 600 coaches in 30 countries, and it’s been led thousands of times. I’ve had audience members break down and cry when my talks were over. I’ve even gotten fan mail from my attendees.

But you’d never know it, would you? And not because this work didn’t have value—it most certainly did. And it still does. 

I haven’t really marketed my speaking or put it out there much because, weirdly, I wanted people to ask me about it instead. All this time, I had the mistaken belief that being quiet about my speaking would be appropriately humble. Or even… sigh… noble, somehow.

It turns out that this is nothing less than self-sabotage. Apparently, a lot of us codependents suffer from this.

It’s often hard to see your self-sabotage for what it is. All you know is that somehow it isn’t quite safe to live your dream. Someone somewhere in your past gave you the message that it was best if you stay off stage, or at least keep one foot in the shadows. And so you internalized that warning in your gut.

All this time, you’ve dutifully laid low.

You’ll know this is you if this blog is making you feel a bit uncomfortable. And please note—self-sabotage can apply to work, to love, to your health…to anything you really care about.

You know you’re self-sabotaging when something you’d dearly love just keeps on eluding you. Or you can’t seem to get started with it. Or perhaps you can’t finish. To that end, I’ve created the following checklist. 

See if any of these behaviors sound familiar.

You keep a chronically disorganized desktop or files. If you have to quickly locate, say, a helpful database of contacts or a list of relevant accomplishments, or even a better online dating headshot, you can’t. Such things might not even exist. Or perhaps it’s all in your head, still waiting to be recorded somewhere.

You run out of steam when it’s time to move forward. Sure, you can create the beloved work or the new sexy look. That’s the fun part. But show it to others? Or actually put your profile up on a dating site? You’d rather pull your hair out. Consequently, no one ever sees your starting first chapter or your beautiful smile. This way, you stay small and ephemeral. And safe.

There’s a repeating pattern of failures. If you look back through time at your quest, you see lots of missteps. Many bad first dates or lousy would-be relationships. Businesses that crashed and burned. Each time you almost got there…but never quite accomplished what you’d hoped for.

You attract people who help you stay small. The agent who keeps losing your manuscripts. The business partner who’s always too busy to get started. The boyfriend who won’t commit. Take a good, clear look at who’s connected to you and your dream. Will they really come through for you? Is this really what you want… truly?

You are under-resourced. You don’t have the money to make things happen, or the time. Of perhaps you’re living in a place where you just don’t jibe with the other folks. (Think, say, being a salsa dancer living in a place where people still fox trot.)

Either you never get started…or you never finish. Perhaps you feel hopeless. Or more likely, you convince yourself this life passion isn’t all that important– and that the needs of  everyone else around you are. You can’t get going, or even stick with your project. (Take note, this is different from losing steam because that thing that is no longer a fit.)

You keep thinking you’ll be discovered. Your fantasies are not about pitching The New York Times repeatedly and eventually getting a yes, or about going on 100 bad first dates before you find ‘The One’. Instead, yours are about being discovered like a Hollywood starlet perched at a drug store counter who magically gets discovered. You half expect the big break will happen  when you least expect it. And perhaps it will. But not until you put in the requisite work.

Does any of this resonate? If so, read on…

To move past all that self-sabotage you have to get real about where you are currently at. Instead of giving up, take notes on what needs to change. Then get busy and begin to make baby steps in a more positive direction. You can do this!

Over time those baby steps become bigger and bigger leaps towards your goals, as you gradually emerge in all your power. The phrase ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ applies here. The key is to allow yourself to take as long as it needs. And prepare to be patient, friend. Your progress may not happen all at once.

If you are honest with yourself, it will indeed happen. Just keep on moving. Refuse to settle for less than you need and want. If your project requires more time, make it happen. If you need to move to find the love of your life, then follow your instincts and do it.

Resource yourself well, friend. Because you deserve it, and frankly, so do we. The rest of the world wants and needs what you have to offer.

As for me, I’m building a brand new speaking site right now. I even got myself some new headshots, and designed a roster of updated speaking offerings. I’ll be proudly sharing them here within the next month or so.

Our personal progress is always rolling forward. But only at the pace that we allow.

So why not surrender to your own particular greatness? It may actually be easier than you think.

The post The Bad Habits That Drive Self-Sabotage (and What to Do About Them) appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

The Easiest Way to Manage Your Fear

This morning I was being interviewed by a podcast host, and she asked me a simple but critical question: What do you do to move through fear?

I am happy to say that first of all … I had an answer! Secondly, the trick I shared is something anyone can do. And it works. But first let’s talk about our fear. Cause we all have it, right?

I know I do. And what I’ve found to be most effective, first of all, is to simply own it. By avoiding reality, we only  perpetuate the problem.

Our fear is pretty much the shark that is always lurking just off shore. Once you wade through anger, anxiety, frustration, depression, confusion and dread, you find fear back there, driving all of it.

It’s our basic, go-to emotion when the going gets rough–and I know a lot of us have experienced this in the last two years. My theory is that fear is ultimately about our flight or fight response. These days we are smart phone jockeys who spend our days tethered to a computer.

The problem is that we’re still wired to outrun (or outsmart) a lumbering T-Rex.

So when a stressful emergency strikes, we react as if our lives are in mortal danger. Before we know it, we are having a dinosaur-sized adrenal rush. Suddenly we are three again and in total survival mode. We feel a surge of panic and then all that other emotional intensity kicks in.

For me, fear has often driven my angry outbursts. Or my need to control and micromanage others. For years it drove a whole lot of nail-biting. Sometimes I just flaked out, put my fingers in my ears, and pretended some big scary grow up issue wasn’t happening all around me.

But then I learned a much better way to deal with it. An example …

Back in 2013, I got to live one of my dreams and hang out in Paris for two months. My entire adult life I’d wanted to do this. And yet, when I finally arrived after a 12-hour flight with numerous delays, I had a total lying-in- bed, sucking-my-thumb, weepy meltdown.

I could have made that retreat to infancy all about tough travel or my lost luggage (it eventually showed up) or the intense new stranger I found myself living with, courtesy of a mutual friend.

But instead I remembered what to do in case of emergency: I checked in. I went into my bedroom, closed the door and lay down. Then I put my hand on my belly and my feet flat on the bed, and I allowed myself time to just breathe.

Yes, that really is all there is to it. And it worked. Pretty soon my feelings came rushing up: anger, sadness, real grief, anxiety … followed by cold, bald fear.

I realized that suddenly I felt like a four-year-old who suddenly got lost at the mall. I wondered why I assumed my college French would get me around Paris — for two long months! Really? What the hell was I thinking??

The tears began and I breathed into them. And then the sheer shaking misery of the fear welled up. Oh, I was so uncomfortable! I had visions of myself getting permanently lost in Paris’s labyrinth of streets. I saw myself a stranger in a strange land, desperately lonely on a Saturday night.

My fear became worse over the next several moments–and this is key. The more I felt it, the more my heart pounded. My palms began sweating and hot flash after hot flash descended. I began to feel terrified. But I remembered the advice of a therapist and I kept breathing through it.

Then suddenly, the fear began to lift. As quickly as it came upon me, my panic subsided.

Because I didn’t resist, my fear went through its own natural process. And then just like that … it was gone.

In fact, now I felt great!

I got up, washed my face, put on my coat and went out to greet my new, incredible city. Five hours and a few café crèmes later, I was still at it – reborn, renewed, in bliss.

What we so seldom do in moments of crisis is relax and allow in the surge of emotions. Instead we focus on what’s happening and scramble to try and manage and control the situation. Or we go hide. And we shame ourselves for needing to have a good cry. We do anything we can to resist that necessary upwelling of emotions.

Yet this is just the natural process the body and soul go through when an auto-correct is needed. When we actually allow ourselves to honor our emotional flow and simply feel, we truly can be reborn.

This, friends, really is the shortest route back to joy.

Take a moment and probe this question for yourself. How do you handle your fear? I highly recommend simply feeling it the next time you find yourself melting down.

Try it! You might even like it …

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