The Magic and the Challenge of Letting Go

Sometimes I go back through my archive of nearly 400 blog posts, and I look for the one that speaks to me right now.  I chose this one because we are making some changes to our house at the moment, and the process requires a LOT of letting go for me. It’s something I used to struggle with more…but when life is intense and stress is high, well, we can all use a reminder! Even when we’re written a book about letting go.

So this one’s for you… and me.

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When confronted with a massive life transition, I will hang on like a terrier, sinking my sharp little teeth in deeper and deeper, until simple exhaustion finally forces me to let go.

I’m happy to say the terrier lets go far more easily these days. But only because I’ve learned what lies on the other side of that monumental letting go.

What do I mean by ‘letting go’?

Letting go is recognizing that:

Something doesn’t workThat something will not change on its own accordA fundamental truth needs to be told … followed by action

In other words, I must step out of denial and back into reality.

A relationship I had several years ago comes to mind. It was a classic case of the rabid terrier refusing to own the truth that there was no way the two of us were going to ‘make it’. All we were making was a mess, which we’d been making since Day One.

I was in denial about the following things:

My would-be partner was not actually in love with me, although there was a great deal of ‘like very much’ going onHer massive resistance to the relationship, including everything from frank and frequent criticism of me to withholding sex was not okayIt was also not okay to walk around all the time on pins and needles, trying like hell to get her to love meI could not think, manage or force this relationship to be anything other than it was

Oh, I thought I had it all figured out. But now I was endlessly clinging. Endlessly strategizing and trying to change to be someone other than I was. I tried being quiet, then I tried being talkative. I tried cooking my way to redemption. Hell, I even let her pick out all of my clothing.

‘If only I could be better … then she would finally love me’ went my own diseased thinking.

What I didn’t know then is that letting go always, inevitably leads to something better. It simply has to, for this is the way of the Universe. To paraphrase the movie, The Best, Exotic Marigold Hotel, if your problem has not yet worked out, then it is not yet the end.

Life is nothing but a continuous process of letting go.

We are constantly being called to let go of love, money, fame, glory, acceptance, children, health, youth, and so many treasured but often unobtainable goals. It’s one release after another, until finally at the end, we let go of life itself.

And always, always, on the other side of that release is the unknown. Which is exactly what we fear the most. And yet here is exactly where you find the magic.

How desperately I clung to my faux-love. I even gave up my apartment in San Francisco, bought a car, and moved in to the new apartment she’d gotten in Marin County. I did this even though she came to me shortly before we moved, saying she had doubts about the relationship.

I did this even though my name was not on the lease, nor did I have a parking space. And even though, I had doubts about the relationship as well.

At the time, I was in denial, and denial is the most powerful of drugs. When she ended the relationship a few months later and I walked away, I was surprised to discover that I was relieved.

Finally, someone had the courage to tell the truth, and so the tension was lifted. The unknown had arrived. I had been thrust into the void once again.

And, actually, the void wasn’t so bad after all. I’ve found it has a certain brilliance to it. For it is here that we become formless, and so we can finally, slowly embrace the truth – our truth. And in doing so, we transform.

This is the work of the Hindu goddess Kali, fierce lover of destruction and chaos, Goddess of Time, Change and Creation. Not long after our break up, I put a small statue of the dancing Kali on the dashboard of my car, as I wandered, trying to find my right place.

And there she still stands, encouraging me to let go into the void, carry my sword and feel my true power.

Recently I told a friend facing the void of retirement that it’s like dismantling a house. Down must go all of our dreams, our hopes and even our identity. It must all be taken apart completely, the detritus moved out and the rooms emptied. For only then can we remove the dust, sweep up the dirt and get rid of the outdated junk. Only then can true reinvention begin.

This process of letting go has its share of pain and suffering, but our inner Kali can help us to embrace it. For once the way is laid truly bare, then the sweetest transformation can take place. Then we can finally tell the truth, and begin to put the warm arm of compassion around our own shoulders.

For me, what followed the end of this relationship, and the death of my daughter three months later, was nothing less than a radical transformation of everything I was. And everything I believed.

I discovered life anew, and walked around day after day being mind blown by what I was discovering. For one thing, I found my values had been completely lost. I also realized I hadn’t had much fun in forever – and that I’d set my life up to revel in addictive behaviors that did nothing for my soul.

We can walk away from such moments shaking our head, saying, “What was I thinking?” Then, slowly and with a great deal of self-care, we can begin again to rebuild, one tender step at a time. And one single day at a time.

So we become patient with ourselves, and we learn to listen to our heart as we create anew, this time informed by the wisdom of destruction.

For destruction always leads to something better. But only if we let it. There is no hurrying this process of reinvention, dear friend. Nor should there be.

There can only be surrender to the beautiful path of life, which will always deliver us just to where we need to be.

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This essay is an excerpt from my book, The Joy of Letting Go.

 

 

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