Suzanne Falter's Blog, page 9

How to Take a Walk for Maximum Self-Care

If you’re like me, you walk when you need to decompress. So I was especially grateful that California’s ‘Shelter in Place’ order included a provision for walks and hikes. Because if there was ever a moment when I need to get out and take a break, that would be now. So I walk.

I keep my distance from others, of course, because in a pandemic it’s the prudent thing to do. When someone comes up the sidewalk towards me, I head into the street if no cars are coming. Or I even scramble up on a bank. It’s my one rule.

I live in a neighborhood in Oakland with a lot of steep hills, and after a day of sitting at my desk, I take off on its empty backstreets and staircases with abandon. Maybe I have Spotify in my earbuds, and it’s playing a favorite upbeat playlist like ‘Ready for the Day’. Or maybe I just want to enjoy the sun, the gardens, the passing show. Sometimes I even head into the local parks.

Here’s a picture from yesterday’s walk in an open preserve near The Oakland Zoo. You can see for miles from the top—even as far as the Golden Gate Bridge visible here on the far left, stretching from San Francisco to the Marin Headlands.

Studies say that walking is hugely beneficial for all of us. That’s why the US Department of Health and Human Services has decreed we all need to walk (or exercise moderately) at least 150 minutes per week.

Consumer Reports tells me that walking will lower my body mass index and my weight, and give me lower blood pressure and cholesterol, a lower risk of diabetes, a better memory, a happier mood, and even a longer life. But to get there I need to walk closer to 180 minutes a week.

But hey, that’s not a lot. Not these days. It’s just thirty minutes six times a week. And if you simply make it a habit at the same time every day, it’s imminently doable.

I tuck my smart phone into my back pocket, and set off, curious to see how far I’ll go. The key is to allow myself to wander, but with alacrity. If I get lost, I can map my way back home using GPS. Turns out there is a lot to explore in this city I barely know.

There is a strange air of normalcy, even though our world is in chaos at the moment. I see people tending their gardens, and children’s hopscotch games chalked on the sidewalk, as if not a thing is wrong. I see spring pushing forth in the blooming trees of pink and white, and beds of impeccable tulips in the wealthier parts of town. I see dogs sniffing, babies napping in strollers, and neighbors chatting at an admirable distance.

The world goes on one step at a time, as it ever has. Even though we are experiencing a massive global crisis, the likes of which has not been seen in my lifetime or most likely yours, on some level life goes on.

All we can do is keep on as we have been each day, determined to find a new, better way to manage our lives. For perhaps that is the unspoken silver lining to a global pandemic. Suddenly we find satisfaction in the simplest of activities. When once I needed a shortbread from the bakery, a new read from the library and perhaps even a lunch out, now just a walk will do. It’s remarkable how quickly my interest in superficial fun faded away.

If there was ever a time for reflection, for self-improvement, for returning to gratitude and simplicity, this is it, friends. We can use this time to go within, to journal, to think about changes we’d like to make in our lives. Or even for ways to express our gratitude or give back to the world. And yes, we can build in self-care like we never have before. Such times may even demand it.

May you find your way through the coronavirus crisis to a new level of understanding about yourself and the world. May you stay healthy and strong, yes … but may you also rediscover what is truly wonderful about this life.

Right now, that is our golden opportunity.

 

 

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Why Moms Are Too Busy for Self-Care (and What to Do About It)

If you ask any mother of children under … I don’t know, 18? … how their self-care is, they will assure you it doesn’t really exist. And the answer is always the same. They are so busy taking care of others, they can’t make time for themselves. It’s understandable, for this is exactly how crazy life feels for moms who give give give all the time.

And yet …what if busy mothers had pockets of time for self-care they simply weren’t aware of? The problem is largely one of perception. Mothers feel pulled in so many directions, that most cannot see the forest for the trees.

When it comes to self-care, anyone can build it into their life.

Here are five ideas that will help most busy moms find those precious pockets of self-care time that are currently hidden.

Reconnect with what matters most. In the rush to get things done, most busy moms have lost track of their basic values. Yes, work is important—but has it taken over like a many-tentacled octopus? You know it has if you’re cramming in work on the weekends or after the kids go to bed. Of course your kids are important, but are they your sole focus at the expense of your relationship?

True self-care requires balancing what drives your time, so nothing is outsized. And then scooping up the bits of time that remain for you. PS. This is where a babysitter or a flexible work schedule can come in mighty handy. Or perhaps a talk with your boss about somehow dialing back the massive work flow, or getting help. You might even consider a job change.
Remember that good enough really is good enough. A lot of us busy moms have idealized pictures of what being a good mother looks like. Maybe we’re getting up at five am and making toddler-friendly veggie croquettes before we rush out the door to work. Or maybe we keep shaming ourselves because we don’t do a three-mile run every afternoon any more.

Shame is the enemy here, for it will add stress and melt resolve. What if a two-mile walk while pushing a stroller is the most we can summon? Or providing the same toddler fare the other kids get? What if we decided we are already doing the best we can, so we dropped our need to compare ourselves to others and over achieve? There is real relief to be had here.
Find creative pockets of self-care. Chances are some self-care time exists as you move through the transitions in your day. My neighbor Victoria, who has two kids under five, takes running clothes to work in a small backpack. Then she changes at the end of the day, takes rapid transit and hops out halfway home. She runs the rest of the way with her work clothing tightly strapped to her back. The bonus: she gets to run along Oakland’s beautiful Lake Merritt at sunset every evening.

Victoria found a pocket of time for herself where none previously existed. It’s all about looking at how you move from point to point during the day. Can you walk during your lunch hour? Can you meditate every night, perhaps even with your spouse, before you go to sleep? Can you listen to soothing self-care podcasts on your drive to work? Finding time for self-care may simply mean rethinking your routine.
Be willing to ask for help. Somehow a lot of us have gotten the message that we have to do this busy mother slog alone—that we can’t even ask our partners to help us. Recent studies show that women still do a solid four hours of housework and child care, while their male partners do only 2.5 hours. That’s a half hour increase from some years earlier—though, interestingly, men do think they help far more around the house.

So go ahead, state your needs. Ask for help from your man and be specific. If he can’t do it, why not arrange to get some additional help, even from a teenage neighbor who wants to babysit once a week? No one said you had to do this all alone. Not by any means.
Lose the guilt. At The Self-Care Group for Extremely Busy Women that I lead on Facebook, I ask new members to state their biggest self-care challenge. To a person, they all say the same thing: ‘I feel guilty taking time for myself.’ This is the guilt that has been handed down to us through generations. It’s the false belief that because we are women, and mothers, we must be all things to all people all the time.

We believe we can’t take any time for ourselves.

Seriously, who can do this? This isn’t even our job as mothers and women. Instead, our greatest responsibility is to model balance, serenity, and stability to those around us. And that is largely accomplished not by guilty pandering to everyone else, but by having solid self-care practices of our own. You do deserve to return to yourself, and meet your own needs. You really do.

Begin this practice by simply asking yourself ‘What do I need right now?’ and then take it from there. You do know exactly what to do, my dear busy mother.

The only question is … will you?

 

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How to Use Jigsaw Puzzles to Actually Keep Your Sanity

Anyone who’s read my book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care, knows that I adore jigsaw puzzles. I write about this in the chapter called “Essential #6: Honest to God Fun.”

In fact, I think they’re responsible for helping me keep my head on straight most of the time. I do a little jigsaw puzzling nearly every evening for a little while.

Here’s why. Dr. Stuart Brown, the head of the National Institute of Play (yes, you read that correctly) recommends we make fun more of a priority. By fun, he means brain-pleasing activities that could include games and puzzles that help us maintain memory and thinking skills, and relieve stress.

I just like doing these things because they’re relaxing. Some good music, a fun puzzle, a bottle of wine and a few good friends. That’s a nice night.

One of the things that happens when you work on jigsaw puzzles is that you lose yourself in the content of what you’re working on. If you’re putting together an image of a crystalline lake, sooner or later, you are in that water. You can’t help it. The process requires total focus, so this becomes what you think about.

Not work. Not your worries. Just …  a peaceful lake. For this reason, it’s a really good idea to choose puzzles of scenes you’d like to spend time with.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. There is an age-old problem about jigsaw puzzles—they tend to take over dining room tables. So pretty soon there’s no place to eat dinner. And suddenly, your soothing puzzle starts cranking up way more anxiety than it’s worth.

I’ve gotten around this with a puzzle storage system. (The one I use is the very cool Portapuzzle .) Here you make a 1000-piece puzzle on a piece of cardboard that fits into an easy to pack up little case. The whole thing is designed to fold up and go away when you need your table back. Then it can be pulled out once more, so you pick up where you left off.

Cool, huh?

Best part: I use the compartments in its case for sorting. Literally every guest we’ve had over when my storage system is out has asked for purchase info. So I decided to post it here. Hope you all find it useful.

Yours in puzzling,

 

 

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How Michou Taught Me to Chill the Hell Out

It is December, 2013, and I’m walking the streets of Paris trying to put myself together. Little did I know a quintessential Parisian moment was about to deliver quantum healing to my grief-stricken heart.

Sixteen months earlier, my 22-year-old daughter Teal had dropped dead from a medically unexplainable cardiac arrest. For an entire year, I was utterly and completely gobsmacked. But now my grief had finally taken hold.

In an attempt to run away from it, I’d packed up my laptop and went to Paris to work through my pain.  As it turns out, solace was waiting for me at a little café in Montmartre called Le Sancerre.

Cafes in Paris are sacred ground, unofficial churches of the soul that happen to serve decent wine. You don’t pull out your computer and set to work here. Instead, you hunker down with friends over tiny cups of espresso, and discuss your love life in hushed, anxious terms. In other words, you relax and enjoy the spectacle of life.

But me? I’m an American workaholic. Customs be damned, I think, as I enter the empty café, pull out my laptop and plunk it down on the table in front of me.

The waitress smiles indulgently as she brings me a café creme, and everything appears to be cool. Or at least it is until an elegantly coiffed older man dressed entirely in blue sweeps in.

Immediately, the few others in the place are on high alert. I can feel a crackle in the air. Clearly, he is somebody.

Literally everything about this man is blue—from his royal blue velvet suit to his cufflinks, his natty, bright blue eyeglasses and his suede shoes. Others have now gathered outside the window and they peer in, attentively.

But the man in blue is oblivious to the attention. Instead, he strides directly up to me and turning to the waitress, rattles off a tirade of French. His entourage, who’ve gathered politely behind him, titter at his words. Apparently, he is dressing her down for allowing my ordinateur in the café. Even with my imperfect French, I get it.

Then he slides into the banquette at the table just beside mine and orders a bottle of champagne. I watch then as glasses are filled, laughter is shared, and a non-stop stream of admirers come pouring in off the street to kiss his ring and thank him, for simply being him.

My laptop goes ignored for a while, and finally, with a trace of shame I quietly close it and put it away. Then I just sit there, breathing in the lemon light of the afternoon and surfing on the warmth radiating from the table next to mine. It strikes me how very alone I am in my grief, and how very stark my life has become.

Finally, I turn to this man in blue, and I apologize for disturbing him with my computer. “That was a mistake,” I admit. “Oh, cherie!” he murmurs, and he reaches over to put his arm around me. With a melting smile, he reassures me he was not at all disturbed. Then he rattles off more fast French, as he gestures to my laptop.

The gist of what he is saying is clear. What is the point, cherie?

 I’m taken aback, for I have no answer. Seriously. What is the point? That’s when I realize that this life-loving, ever-celebrating ‘minister of the night’ knows far more than me about how to navigate this short life.

The point is not to plough through it armed with phone and laptop, determined not to stop and feel. The point actually is to stop, and to surround yourself with good friends and good champagne, and do something my late daughter was actually quite good at: celebrating the moment.

For this is where the true gold in life is. This was something my unbalanced, grief-addled brain was only just beginning to understand.

A little while later, I rise and thank him warmly, my man in blue, and we wish each other au revoir. Little did I know I’d just had a perfect life lesson from Paris’s cabaret impresario Michou. For he asked me the perfect question—one I’ve thought about many times since.

What, indeed, is the point of all that lonely, driven overwork? Of all that detachment and isolation? As it turns out, there is little point at all.

Michou’s recent death reminds me of this precious bit of gold and his legacy, creating enjoyment wherever he went.

 

 

 

 

 

The post How Michou Taught Me to Chill the Hell Out appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Read This When You Feel Like Losing Your Cool

Rage happens, friends. It just does. And not only should you not hide from it, ideally you can learn to embrace it.

Mind you, this doesn’t mean calling up the person you are annoyed with and having a ten-minute rant. Nor does it mean giving someone the cold shoulder and refusing to speak to them for days. Instead, there are certain ways to proceed when you are angry that are nothing less than pure self-care.

Here are my best suggestions.

Stop the angry conversation BEFORE it escalates. Just … walk away. Mainly because you must. It’s simple self-preservation. And let the other person know you are walking away before you do. If you’re experiencing abuse, it’s critical you walk away as soon as you can. Even if it means getting out of a car at the next stop light. This will help you with the next step.
Sit with your feelings. Rather than obsess over the object of your ire, why not see what’s really going on with you. Could it be that you are triggered? Is what just happened vaguely reminiscent of something from your past … perhaps even something somewhat traumatic? How angry are you? What do you need? If you look carefully, you may be surprised.
Be open to the idea that there is a lesson here. That would be a lesson for you, not the other guy. I know, I know—it’s an unpopular thought, but bear with me here. Could it be that by simply setting a boundary, you are learning to become stronger? Or by standing in your strength and pushing back, have you gained some mojo? On the other hand, it could actually be that you are also in the wrong. It’s humbling, but such is life. Above all, be honest with yourself. This is critical.
Are you taking this affront personally? You’ll know you are if you’re feeling especially sensitive about what went down. You can’t see it as simply the other person ‘having a bad day’ or being victim to their own triggers. Instead, you feel personally assaulted. And yeah, what you suffered may actually be an assault. Still, it’s good to ask this question to be clear.
Understand that none of us is perfect. We ALL behave in ways that are reprehensible from time to time. We just do. It’s one of the things that makes us human. And we ALL come from traumas big and small. (Okay, maybe there is a tiny population who had idyllic childhoods, but where are they all?) Ask yourself if it’s possible to forgive the other guy. That will make the next step remarkably easier.
Determine if you need to make a request. Now take a few big breaths to calm down, pull out a sheet of paper, and write down a boundary that has been crossed. Do a little journaling to get clear on what happened that caused you so much pain. Then see if there’s a request there that you need to make. It may be as simple as, ‘Don’t ever speak to me that way again.’ Or maybe, ‘I need to go home when the work day ends at 5 o’clock.’
Calmly request a chance to discuss what happened. Do this AFTER the tension has deescalated. That may even take a few days or a week. Just give it some time. Then make an appointment to talk about what happened. Don’t brush it under the rug. This is a critical learning moment for the other, and for you.
Make your request at the meeting if there is one. Keep your request clear, simple, and polite. But firm. You can also use this time to make your own apology if it’s appropriate. Yet, if you managed to keep your cool, you may not have to make one. You’ve been able to keep your head held high, yet you also explored your rage and learned from it. Right on!


This is the kind of emotional self-care that keeps on giving. Good work!

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Suzanne’s Favorite Self-Care Tools for the New Year

Suzanne’s Favorite Self-Care Tools for the New Year

I’m often asked for my favorite self-care items for those wanting to make self-care a priority in the new year. So I sat down and made a list of that which I’ve found personally useful, soothing and, in a few cases, just plain delicious.

Perhaps you’d want to select a few and put them into a gift basket for someone you care about. Or, even better, maybe you’d like to put these tools to work for you.

5 Star Spiral Notebooks with Pockets. Ideally,

available at most CVS, Rite-Aid, Walgreens, etc.. I move through my life with one of these notebooks in hand most of the time. Here I write down dreams, I journal out the big questions of life, and I make notes on all sort. I write down inspiring or important things people say. I might jot down movies to watch on Netflix, or ideas for work. The list goes on and on. This brand is cheap, durable and has a big pocket in the front for stuff you want to keep. I always keep a pen tucked inside as well.

Spotify Premium. Not sure where I’d be without the music and podcast app Spotify. All day long I keep the soothing playlists on in a low background hum. It’s delightful to work to, and helps me maintain focus. Favorite work playlists include Soft Focus, Book Club and Soothing Piano. I also enjoy playing some favorite musicians while doing my ultra-relaxing jigsaw puzzles (see below.) I prefer the paid, ad-free version.

Lavender eye pillow. Okay, I’m fairly addicted to these little gems after years of using them. Yes, they effectively block out spillover street light or the distraction of a bed partner who has to stay up and read. But the real charm is in the subtle weight of the flax seeds which serve to gently calm your eyes and slow down your busy mind. Lavender scent helps relax you for sleep as well. I love this one because the cover can be removed and washed.

Young Living Essential Oils. When my box of Young Living essential oils appeared at my door, I was fairly blown away just by the gorgeous packaging and helpful information packed inside. Then I started to actually use a few drops of the oils here and there through my life, and noticed they really help me focus. I love Valor for when I need a little extra confidence. Frankincense helps me stay grounded and calm. Citrus help liven me up so I can get more done. I highly recommend these beautifully done oils – their starter kit (Everyday Oils) is a fabulous gift that shows you really care.

URPower Essential Oils diffuser. You can bet this is a component of my home office self-care. How I love this little diffuser which is an inexpensive workhouse. It keeps on going for hour upon hour, then finally shuts itself off when it runs out of water. Only requires a few drops of essential oils to do it’s lovely work.

A better water bottle— Hydro Flask. Nothing could be more useful than a really beautifully designed water bottle. I’ve road-tested many sorts, including good old mason quart jars, and the winner hands down is Hydro Flask. It’s got a special painted coating on the outside that keeps ice from melting for hour after hour – or it keeps your tea piping hot. AND … best of all, when you drop it, it stays in one piece and doesn’t even seem to dent. A little more costly, but it will last you for years.

The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care. What kind of self-care advice giver would I be if I didn’t share my own book on the subject. It’s loaded with worksheets, journaling questions, resources, study after study on all sorts of self-care and … my favorite part … nurturing quotes from my late daughter Teal’s journal. This is your chance to learn to slow down, do less and actually achieve more. (Yes … you can!) Think of it as gentle empowerment that will help you become your best you.

Are you looking for self-care tools?

Get Back to Glowing Self-Care

Anker Soundcore Q20 Hybrid Actively Noise Cancelling headphones. They’re a mouthful, I know, but these babies are the bomb. You know how irritating it is to be in a public place trying to, say, journal, or listen to music, or even work, and a million little noises distract you? Here are the noise-cancelling headphones we can afford! Priced at under $50, I’ve found them to be VERY effective. They also deliver a gorgeous sound … One of the best purchases I made all year.

Alter Eco Deep Dark Salted Brown Butter Bar. I flat out adore these. Every week I buy a few (their Burnt Caramel bar is also excellent.) Then I enjoy 2 or 3 sections each day. Just enough of a dark chocolate hit to be completely satisfying, yet low on the sugar and calories. Better to have a small tidy dose of great chocolate on a regular basis, than to binge on junk. That’s my theory! Irresistible.

New Yorker Puzzle Company. In my book, I recommend extremely busy women take a little time to do something light, and just plain fun. Like … a jigsaw puzzle. Here’s one I’ve done by a company I’ve grown to love. The New Yorker Puzzle Company’s pieces are irregular which makes putting it together just easy enough. Yet, they’re also strong and durable. Prices are reasonable and images are just plain fun. They’re all New Yorker Magazine covers.

LOVEwrap Microwavable Neck and Shoulder Wrap. Ahhh … warm flax seeds that is unscented on your tired aching shoulders and tense neck. A girl could melt! I’ve found this form of therapy to be a godsend to all kinds of chronic tension or pain. Heat it up in the microwave, or even chill it in the freezer. Can also be used on legs, lower back, etc.. Whatever you need, LOVEwrap will provide. A nice drug-free alternative to pain relief.

Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon. This page a day reader starts you day in a beautiful and wise way, whether you come from a recovery background or not. I’ve identified with many stories here, and have found much to ponder. Put this beside your bed instead of your cell phone, and reach for it first thing. It’s a guide for healthy, conscious living.

Wellness Formula Capsules. The minute I feel a sniffle or a sore throat coming on, I pause and take 4 or 5 of these capsules. Whatever dis-ease is troubling me slips away and does not come back, especially if I do this twice a day for a few days. That’s healing! A good thing to always have on hand.

Marriage Frere Earl Grey French Blue tea. Oh, this is delightful. My all-time favorite tea in the world, straight from France. There is a lovely lavender note on top of the earl grey bergamot. When I’ve served this at coloring parties, the entire group lights up and needs to know where I got it. Bought my first box in Paris, but now … it’s on Amazon!

Dr. Teal’s Epsom Salt Solution with Eucalyptus and Spearmint. There is nothing better than a good long soak in a hot tub full of Epsom salts. They draw out the impurities, soothe tired muscles, and generally give your brain an easeful rest. And I just like these because they’re called Dr. Teal’s! A little echo from my late daughter Teal.

Are you looking for a self-care community?

We welcome you into The Self-Care Group for Extremely Women Facebook Group! This is a place where you can discuss your thoughts and feelings after listening each new episode or really at any time you feel so inclined! We want to make this a relaxed hangout and a safe space where you can share your hopes and fears, lessons and questions, cravings and frustrations. Join here.

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The post Suzanne’s Favorite Self-Care Tools for the New Year appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Why (and When) It’s a Good Idea to Ask for Help

Sometimes life’s problems seem unsolvable.

It may seem like this when you’re just too harried to think straight. Or when you feel clueless about where to even begin. This is when a bit of humility can serve you well. For not only is it safe to ask for help … it’s usually a good idea.

There are, of course, caveats to this. You want to seek help from a trustworthy source, and you want to elicit the help you actually need. But before we get to all of that, let’s go over the basics.

You don’t have to do it alone. Remember the Mary Oliver poem about crawling through the desert on your knees? This is what she was talking about. You, too, deserve support … even if you are a Superwoman. (I’d say especially if you are a Superwoman.)
You’re not good at everything. You’re just not. No one is. For me, this means I need help in the following areas: financial management, social media, my wireless network, anything requiring a screwdriver or a hammer, my car, my lingering allergies, some buried fears, tinkering with my blog, my tense shoulders, and my occasional insomnia. The list goes on and on. Once you decide to elicit help, not only does that part of your life improve, your entire life does, as well. Try it and see.

Such help need to not be paid. Friends, neighbors, family members, support group pals, interns and online mentors can be helpers, too.

Emotional support is okay, too. Sometimes we think the only type of support we really need is technical, health, or automotive. Yet, what about our feelings? Our emotional life may have churned along in the background for so long we can’t even see if there’s trouble there. We’re just aware of a dull ache somewhere. That’s when it’s a great idea to sort through things with a therapist, spiritual advisor, or even a life coach.
Group support gives you an extra boost. I love support groups, though frankly, I used to hate them. But then Teal died, the bottom dropped out, and I realized I needed all kinds of help. Since then I found my way into recovery groups, spiritual groups, yoga groups, meditation groups, business networking groups, and even a group for grieving parents. Support groups give you two things –- a place to share your story, and a way to hear everyone else’s. Then you realize you’re not alone, and you can pick up valuable tips and resources. You may also befriend people traveling the same path, which is beyond precious. Groups bring community, and community is just plain essential.
Added support keeps you accountable. If you need support sticking with something difficult like a weight loss or addiction recovery, it really helps to have a group or a trainer/coach/therapist or even an action buddy to check in with. Then you have to show up and share your progress each week. You have a place to talk about or even email your challenges. So you build a team around you that is heading in the same, healthy direction. The sweet reality of accountability keeps you grounded in your work … and that’s a great

A final note: if you’re a person who hates to ask for help, take heart. Asking for help does not in any way mean you are weak, unstable, or ‘a loser’. What it means is that you have the wisdom to know you can’t do life alone, and therefore you will automatically up your game on all levels once you get more support.

Asking for help actually means you’re strong and brave.

“Don’t be afraid to ask for something if you don’t know what to do. You are capable.”

– Teal’s journal, September 12, 2011

From Suzanne’s book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care

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How to Say ‘No’ to the People You Love

See if this sounds familiar? You’ve just walked in from a busy day at work — or even a brief business trip. The house is a chaotic mess, there isn’t a spec of food in the fridge, and the kitchen is a disaster area. One of your kids or your spouse looks up and say’s ‘hi’, then goes right back to what they were doing.

The message: It’s up to you to clean it all up, go buy groceries AND then … make dinner.

For some of you, setting limits at work is no biggie. You can easily slip out at five every day, and you never even think of working on the weekends. You even ask for raises and get them with relative ease.

But at home, your usual resolve goes to hell. When your partner gives you that look – perhaps it’s the one that melts your heart – you find yourself agreeing to yet another vacation with his mother. Or maybe it’s a not-so-nice look you’d do anything to avoid.

On the other hand, it could be the kids making demands, or even your own parents.

On the home front, an even more nuanced approach to saying ‘No’ is often needed. Because basically, you love these people. You don’t want to disappoint them when they make requests.

You might even be caught in years-long patterns of denying your own needs and caving to the desires of your family. You may have been taught this by your own mother, if she was in those generations who were all about Mom the Martyr.

You might have forgotten long ago who you really are and what you need in your closest relationships.

If so, please remember … you, too, get a say in how life is done. You, too, can say ‘No’ to kids who ask relentlessly for money, or sleepovers, or new X Box PlayStations. You, too, get to watch what you want to watch on TV sometimes. You, too, get to go flop on the couch while someone else does the dishes. Or buys the groceries and makes dinner.

I know, I know. This message has been around a long time – yet, even today it bears repeating. And it may sound petty, especially if you’re a mother and accustomed to taking care of everyone else, but you really do have to ‘win a few’ once in a while.

A very wise psychologist said to me as I was about to marry my former husband, ‘It’ll work out, as long as you both win a few.” This is still my rule of thumb when it comes to getting along with family.

Every last little need of yours may not get met at home, but as long as most of them or even a good number are, you should be good to go.

As for how to actually say a conscious ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, the same rules above apply here as they do at work. The only caveat is to remember that you’re talking to the people you love. Deliver the ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ with appropriate kindness and respect, just as you would like to be treated, yourself.

Then allow yourself to be surprised. Sometimes the people closest to you can delight you in unexpected ways.

Finally, bear in mind that at home you can get caught in such long-entrenched habits, you may not even realize you need to make a request. Take a look. Is there some place in your personal life where your soul is chafing, and you are yearning to break free?

That means you have an opportunity to make a kind, yet firm request. Use the following questions to get clarity of what you may need to ask for and from whom. Pull out an old trusted journal, find a little quiet time, then shut the door … and get ready to tell the truth.

Answer the following questions:

Whom Do You Need to Set Limits with in Your Personal Life?

What would you like to request?

When will you request it?

Just what will you say?

 

“Remember I have the power to say ‘No’.
If I feel myself closing down, look at whether I need to say no to something.”

      – Teal’s journal

 

From Suzanne’s book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care

The post How to Say ‘No’ to the People You Love appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Why Self-Care Is Not Ultimately About Time Management

I used to think all of my problems could be solved with more time.

I imagined an extra weekend ought to do it.

If I could only find the space to breathe, my difficult relationship, my hectic career and the strange, lonely emptiness I kept experiencing would finally settle down. Then I’d be happy again, I told myself. Finally, I’d be able to relax.

Or so I thought.

True deep, delicious self-care isn’t about time management, taking the weekend off, or getting a regular massage, though those things can certainly help. Nor is it about working to the point of exhaustion, and then retreating to a spa for an afternoon. Or using meditation, Chardonnay, and TV binges to zone out after yet another toxic fight with your loved one.

It’s about creating a better life overall — one that’s aligned with your values and who you actually are.

It’s about honoring the still, small voice within that guides you, impeccably, to become your best self. And it’s about having the courage to make changes that truly reflect you, and what your beautiful, sensitive, beating heart desires more than anything.

To do this, you begin by tuning into yourself, and listening to your body — and this can be hard at first. You may observe your dreams, and write them down. Perhaps you journal, as well. Maybe when you tune in you hear nothing at first. Or maybe you just notice sudden thoughts while you’re taking a shower

One way or another, once you commit to the path of self-care and you begin to listen in earnest, a pronounced trail of breadcrumbs shows up as life reveals what’s really next for you. You may know what I’m talking about because your body and soul are already talking to you — quite loudly, even.

They may, in fact, be telling you to slow down. And that thought can be downright scary. Yet, here is the truth about our life in the 21st century:

We live in a culture that favors doing over being, and intensity over serenity. We are taught to overproduce at an early age – ever stepping up our games to become higher and higher achievers who learn how to compete, push, and drive ourselves into the ground.

And yet … what if all that ‘overproduction’ was actually unnecessary?

What if we just showed up and did a good-enough, adequate job instead of one that is mind-blowingly superb?

What if we earned enough money, and had enough stuff, instead of needing to rake in ever more dough and drive an ever-spiffier car?

Would that actually be enough for us? Could we live with ourselves if we didn’t live up to the hype that resonates through our culture?

Could we settle for ‘perfectly fine’ instead of ‘extraordinary’?

If this concept seems foreign or downright wrong, consider this. You and I have little perspective about our lives. Or at least we don’t until the bottom drops out and everything falls apart. Then the view is glaringly clear.

You may read this and think I’m down on human achievement. Hey, I love achievement! Without it, we wouldn’t be where we are today. And yet … a steady diet of over-achievement leaves us with broken bodies and stressful empty lives that are devoid of meaning.

I’m suggesting there is a time and place for each of us to stop and reflect on what we’re doing with these beautiful lives we’ve been given. And then to make changes where necessary.

Only when you take a clear, unflinching look at your life, and really see exactly where you’re at, can you begin to take better care of yourself. And that’s when life gets really good.

What’s on the other side of all that personal discovery and self-care is true, unequivocal happiness. That much I can promise you. You may have to make a few changes first, or at least develop a few new habits. That can mean stepping out of your comfort zone for a while.

But trust me on this. You are really, really going to like where you wind up, because it will be the most deliciously free, authentic, in-flow place you can imagine. This is what happens when you listen to your inner longings.

Now, you could be reading this thinking none of this applies to you. You know you are just too damn busy to ever consider taking time off. But I’m not advocating that you do. I’m simply advocating for a pause to reflect.

And I’m providing another perspective on how to get underneath your current state of busy-ness, so you can dig into what you need and even actively crave in your life.

It could be that this book triggers some new ideas for you about how to manage your busy-ness. Or it encourages you to ask for support you never realized you needed. Or it opens your mind to adding some new creative meanderings to your day.

Whatever it does for you, may it free that inner spirit who longs to speak to you. And may it empower you to listen to her well.

“Be someone in the world who loves loving yourself!”

  –  Teal’s journal, August 17, 2011

From Suzanne’s new book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care

 

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Is It Really Alright to Ask for Help?

Is It Really Alright to Ask for Help?

Recently, I heard from a woman who was complaining about how burned out she was by her job. “It feels like a black hole,” she wrote. “I can’t go on vacation because every time I do, I come back to a disaster. And then it’s my fault for leaving in the first place. I feel like I can’t ever turn away for one minute.”

To this poor suffering soul, I want to say no, no, no, dear friend. You can and must leave for vacations, and long weekends as often as possible. And here’s why.

According to The New York Times, women who only take a vacation every six years are eight times more likely to have a heart attack or develop heart disease than their vacationing counterparts. And that’s only one of many studies on the subject.

Vacations and appropriate time off really are critical for your health, and therefore your self-care. But what about the rest of this comment – that if our friend wants the job done right, she must do it herself?

Here’s where we often fall prey to illusion in our thinking. I don’t doubt that this woman is highly competent – she is. Obviously. And I could plainly feel her frustration and suffering as she returned to messes whenever she went away. Yet, the results she got spoke loudly to two different issues.

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First, where is management in all of this? Perhaps this is when a well-placed request for help with a senior employer is needed. After all, not only is sorting this kind of thing out their job, burned out employees do them no good.

A newish phenomenon in business is ‘presenteeism’ – the opposite of absenteeism. It’s when people insist on coming to work even when they are sick, exhausted, injured or burned out. Turns out this can cut worker productivity by a third or more, according to Harvard Business Review. And that helps no one. Ultimately, our friend’s burnout will cost her employer dearly – even when she’s trying as hard as she can.

Now, should she have a heart to heart with an unconscious boss who disses her, and offers no support, then the other option is clear.

Leave the damn job. Get out of there, give herself a promotion, and find a place that’s functional enough that she doesn’t have to live in self-deprivation to get along. A good employer will always include paid sick time and vacation time in their benefits package. If they don’t, that’s when we all must ask ourselves … is this really the job for me?

Yet, there may be something else at play as well. Sometimes we create these conditions by being too willing to clean up all the messes ourselves, and even insisting on doing all the work. The brutal truth is that such a path is not sustainable, as our burned out friend has discovered.

Yet it may still seem as if there is no way out. Ah, but there is.

Ideally, work is never meant to be done entirely alone. Ideally, your job involves an entire team, all of whom share responsibilities even tangentially. They truly cover your back when needed, and you cover theirs. Because, hey, we’re all human. We have needs. Like vacation days. And as long as we don’t abuse this, and the support system works, we should be okay.

And if the team in question is not reliable, some clear requests need to be made, either to them or to management.

To the question that started this article — about whether it’s alright to ask for help – I say a resounding yes! Always ask for help. Because the worst that happens is you find out that no help is available, and it may not even be safe to ask for it.

That’s extremely useful information, because then you get to make choices. Maybe it’s time to look for a job that better supports your self-care. Chances are, there probably is. But be aware … there is a mindset that can set in in toxic workplaces.

It goes something like this:

I will never get another job

No one would ever think of employing me

I’m a lousy hire even when I work as hard as I can

All jobs are the same, and all bosses are jerks

I have no time to get a resume together or begin to look

Etc

Etc

This is a vortex that will suck you in and hold you fast, until you decide to break free. The path forward really is entirely up to you.

I speak from experience after working in some extremely toxic workplaces. My self-respect was in the toilet within six months. And boy, was I shocked when I finally pulled it together and got out of there, a grueling four years later. (Man, what a waste of four years.)

Life on the outside was freer! Easier! Far more wonderful in every way. Honestly, I was shocked to discover this. I’d lost touch with my self-care, my self-respect and my needs. But once I took them back, my life began again anew. Immediately, everything improved – and it never got that bad again. Mainly because I’d saved myself.

If you’re feeling burned out but unable to leave any kind of toxic situation, may this give you the spot of courage that you need.

Are you looking for a self-care community?

We welcome you into The Self-Care Group for Extremely Women Facebook Group! This is a place where you can discuss your thoughts and feelings after listening each new episode or really at any time you feel so inclined! We want to make this a relaxed hangout and a safe space where you can share your hopes and fears, lessons and questions, cravings and frustrations. Join here.

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