Suzanne Falter's Blog, page 2

You Don’t Need to Be Famous– Really!

On February 7 I’ll release Free Spirited, my memoir about Teal’s death, my profound connection to her in the Afterlife and the healing that came as a result. Here is an excerpt from Chapter 15, recounting lessons learned, And guidance received.

Whole Foods seemed an unlikely place to have a denouement. Yet, here I was, sipping my cold brew in the homey little café, and doing my best to evolve. 

Once again, I was working on a critical step in my financial recovery work, examining my character defects, seeing what they cost me, and taking responsibility for them, one by one.

The questions my recovery work gave me to journal about pulled no punches. 

Where in your life have you made material things most important? Where have you used people to get ahead? Where have you been controlling or needy? 

And the worst one of all: How has this affected your life and your relationships? 

It was slow work answering these questions. But it was also critical work because this was the stuff I avoided thinking about. Yet, it was also the sludge that weighed me down, the toxic gray matter that silently suffocated. To know it was to heal it. 

I worked along, sipping my coffee and taking my time. One by one, I cataloged the moments in my life that filled me with shame. Calling up banks in a panic, or ranting at tellers like a loose cannon. Wildly overcharging for my coaching work in search of money and validation. And pushing, needling, and cajoling everyone around me to serve my agenda and mine alone. 

It was the German Soldier catalog. As usual. 

I thought about my son when he was six years old, bounding up to my office after he got home from school, a little blond guy bursting with love and eager to play. Instead of taking a twenty- minute break to have some fun, I would tell him firmly, “Mommy has to work now. You can be in my office but only if you do your homework.” 

The fact was Mommy was just a little too self-important back then to show her son the kindness and love he deserved on those weekday afternoons. I could have taken a half-hour break to spend time with him, but I didn’t. It was a habit that now filled me with shame. 

And I remembered a conversation with Teal, when she asked me for a pair of new shoes for her work as a barista. “I’m on my feet all day, Mom. These aren’t going to cut it,” she said, pointing to the worn-out Keds she always wore. At this point, her cheap canvas sneakers were barely holding together. 

Instead of embracing the chance to be supportive and give my daughter some new shoes, I hesitated. I told her I wasn’t sure I could afford it. 

“Mom,” she said, looking me square in the face. “You make plenty of money and you certainly can afford it.” 

I knew she was right, of course. Just as I knew ‘I can’t afford it’ was a weirdly frequent refrain in my life. Even when I was earning hundreds of thousands of dollars every year. Even when the rational part of my brain knew it wasn’t true. 

Then there was my wild overspending on my business. Going through the books made me shake my head. $18,000 for an audio crew in the back of a workshop for 100 people. $5,000 for a wardrobe consultant to make me look ‘professional.’ What in God’s name had I been thinking? It’s only money, I told myself at the time. 

In fact, it was grandiosity and total overkill. And it was insane. 

Before recovery, a fog of oblivion descended on me when I thought about my money. Rather than check my bank balances, I’d guess at them, honestly believing I had a second sense that knew exactly how much I had in the bank at any given time. Such vagueness meant I could spend money however and whenever I wished, without apparent consequences. Except for the part that there always were consequences—bad ones. This habit kept me mired in debt throughout my adult life. 

At the same time, I’d overworked compulsively as well, with a relentless, driven pace that burned through reasonable time. When I was working, I demanded miracles from myself, instantly or at the very latest overnight. I expected the same from my assistants, which explained why I’d cycled through eight of them in six years. 

The list of my transgressions was long and gnarly. Still, it felt good to finally face them and write them all down. For now I could begin to understand what drove these habits. And I could take responsibility where I’d caused harm, make my amends, and so forgive myself. Just as God already had. 

I stirred my coffee as I sat there in the café, mulling over my list. 

In the end, all of it had been motivated by need. The need to be special, to be perfect. To be seen by the world. My appetite for recognition was voracious, and I stopped at nothing to get it…even ignoring my children’s needs. 

Finally I could see how relentlessly driven I had been. 

I looked out the window of Whole Foods to Bay Street, taking a breather from the insights that now fell like dominos in front of me. My eyes fell on the billboard affixed to the building directly across the street. It nearly took my breath away. 

You don’t need to be famous to be unforgettable, the billboard read. 

In the picture, an adult and a child were bent in concentration together over a project. 

No, Suzanne, you don’t need to be famous. Nor do you need to be perfect, be a star or be anything other than what you are right now. The fact is, you can just breathe and relax into the gift of this life. 

Then you can approach the rest of the world with all the love that’s in your heart. You can find your way back to right service, helping people however you are meant to. And you don’t have to worry for one minute about whether you are known, or not known, or have done the job perfectly. 

Yet again, Teal’s message came back to me. You are enough, just as you are, Suzanne. 

Just be.

******

From Free Spirited. (Out in paperback, ebook and audiobook on Feb. 7)

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Help Me Create What’s Next

Funny thing about new years. They leave us with sudden, instant perspective on what we’ve been doing—and whether it works or not. 

I’m just realizing that the essays I’ve posted here in my blog for the last ten years are … petering out. I’m just not feeling my writing so much now. Perhaps my soul is nudging me to move on.

Just now I sat down to write the New Year’s blog … and I couldn’t somehow. I realized I had other forms of expression pulling at me.

Now I want to create something different. Something new. Something energetically uplifting.

Your feedback can really help me figure out just what that would be… for I do it all for YOU.

I have a short survey that will only take you about 20-30 seconds to complete. I truly do want to know what you’d like to see from me next.

Take the Survey

Thanks for sharing your feedback, friend!

I’m highly grateful and will hop right on your suggestions.

Love,

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How I Learned to Let Go and Love the Holidays

This holiday season I’m being prompted to do more with less. I find I have no interest in spending a lot of money on gifts, nor have I bought into the ‘crazy busy’ intensity of Christmases past.

It’s been this way ever since my daughter Teal died in 2012. The only thing that really matters to me is extracting the peace of the season, the golden threads that are in the everyday.

And they are there, shining more brightly than usual.

I walk through Whole Foods and revel in the sheer display of chocolates –Dark Chocolate bars with coconut and mint! Ginger bread this and eggnog that. Dungeness Crabs stacked up like gold bars, ready to take home and eat right now.

I walk out of the store with nothing but my senses refreshed. I don’t have to own these things, or even give them. I can just observe. Somehow that is enough.

It’s as if my heart has been stripped so clean by the flow of life that there is no longer any resistance to what is. So I become sensitive to the beauty inherent in everything.

I no longer need to give gifts out of duty, or impress anyone with what I’ve chosen. Nor do I need to labor over homemade presents that cost so much and take so long that I end up hating them.

I’ve been letting myself just feel my way along this holiday season, without having any particular plan. So there is no Christmas tree. No annual Christmas letter. No weeklong deep immersion in cookie baking. None of those things seemed right.

Instead, I walk in the park and enjoy the sun coming through the trees and the mud underfoot. It puts me in a generous mood, a life-loving mood. Suddenly I’m inspired to make really good granola for my yoga teacher, Kashi. Why? Because I want to!

Will she be giving me a gift? I highly doubt it and who cares? She has made an enormous difference in my life this year. Then I think of a book that I simply have to give my son – he will love it! Which takes me online to order it. Which is when I bump into a rap poetry video that inspires buying the CD for my sister in law.

I can’t even connect these dots, except to say that flow is present.

On my daughter’s birthday I walk the streets of San Francisco where she lived and died. I stop for ice cream because it’s a special day. Sitting in the sun eating a scoop of roasted banana-fudge, I get inspired to buy my ex-husband a jar of really good fudge sauce. He loves hot fudge. We created two amazing children together … so why not?

Then there are the moments when I choose not to buy a gift. Like the Mexican tin Christmas ornaments I almost bought this morning. I took a moment to check in and realized that old unconsciousness had crept in. I was in auto-grab, needing to compensate for something lacking – I couldn’t even say what.

I put down the ornaments, walk out into the sunlight and smile. I feel utterly free this holiday season … free to be me, loving life just as it is.

That’s when I realize this is all new. For so many years I kept it together, forcing my life into a tightly coil of perfection, especially at the holidays. But all that is gone now.

In a flash I understand: this is the same free-spirited joy Teal lived every day of her life. “Just be, Mom!” she used to jubilate. I never had any idea what she meant, but now … I know.

So I give myself the best gift of all this holiday season as tears of joy run down my cheeks.

Happy Holidays.

 

 

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How to Get Along at Dysfunctional Family Get-Togethers (the Buddhist Version)

In the interest of holiday love and sharing, I’m re-running this popular blog from 2018 … (Image from The New York Times)

Ah, family. We can’t live without them, yet sometimes we can’t really live with them, either. Especially at the holidays, when we are all just a little extra keyed up.

For every ounce of deep, family-bonded joy we feel on the holidays, there’s sure to be at least one moment when we want climb into Aunt Nanny’s coat closet and have a silent scream.

Trouble is, children are watching. Elderly people you see once a year are watching. You really do want to keep it together.

Ah, grasshopper … this is actually a teachable moment. It goes back to the original Buddhist belief that there will be suffering. Not only will there be suffering, you are entirely at choice in how you engage in it. Author and teacher Robert Thurman refers to this phenomenon as ‘changing the channel.”

And yes … changing that channel can be so very difficult. So this is when help must be evoked. A prayer can be handy.

Like this one, the Buddhist ‘Extended Compassion Practice’ from the Divine Abodes. It goes like this:

If I cannot be loving in this moment, may I be kind
If I cannot be kind, may I simply notice
If I cannot just notice, may I not cause harm
If I cannot not cause harm, may I cause the least amount of harm possible
May I strive to not exile anyone from my heart

I particularly love that last point. Because I really hate it when I exile someone from my heart. It feels just awful … and like all of us, I do exactly that from time to time.

When my mother was still alive, there was always one moment every holiday when she’d be a complete outcast as far as my heart is concerned. I’d be filled with my hurt feelings, or my righteous indignation, or my screaming anxiety that at any moment she might blow up.

It really didn’t matter what happened, or what kind of story I told myself, the pattern was always the same. Show up at home, be genuinely delighted, and be fairly delightful as well. But by Day 3, things had shifted. You just knew the fur was going to fly once the drinks got flowing.

Back then the last thing on my mind was whether or not I exiled anyone from my heart. Instead, I was full of my hurt and angry inner monologue, my carefully written story of injustice.

And yet, here – exactly here – is where I needed to be careful. This is exactly where I actually could have asked for help, and so been able to keep my cool.

I could have taken myself away at the appropriate moment, closed the door and meditated for a while.

I could have pulled out a piece of paper and done a little quick remedial journaling.

I could have asked God for help as I repeated a prayer like the one above again and again.

And most of all, I would have known that exiling anyone from my heart hurts me most of all.

But, of course, I didn’t have access to such good wisdom back in those days. What I had was a pattern of dysfunctional family drama in which I played a key role. Today, however, it’s a different story.

Now I know what to do when I feel myself getting anxious. I take myself away, and figure out what’s causing me upset. I allow myself to have whatever dark feelings I’m having away alone, in a nice safe place. And I give myself some space to have those feelings.

Then I remember that we’re all full of awkwardness, upsets, and the swirl of emotions. And most of the time, we truly do regret our hasty, unskilled remarks. The fact is, we’re all in this leaky lifeboat together, and we must learn to row it together.

If we can live in a place of self-compassion, and general compassion to all around us, that’s simply going to happen a whole lot more smoothly.

But, of course, that’s what this holiday season is really all about. When I keep mulling over my hurt feelings, and basting in the juices of righteous indignation, I do nothing more than dull my heart.

That helps no one, least of all me.

A companion prayer to the one above puts it this way:

May I strive to not cause myself suffering
May I strive to keep my heart open to the suffering of the world
May I learn to decrease suffering in my own life
May I learn to decrease the suffering of others

Thank you Buddha and those who have shared these prayers.

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The Habit You May Not Even Know You Have

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Do you have already-always listening?

This mysterious question comes to us from the long-lost annals of the est training, circa New York City, 1983. Decades ago, I sat in those rooms and learned some interesting things about the human psyche, one of which was this idea of ‘already-always listening’.

This would be how you pre-disposition yourself to react to someone or something. Such as ‘knowing’ how your partner will react to particular triggers, or ‘knowing’ how we ourselves are bound to respond in certain situations. You think you really know what will happen, right?

The idea is that our preconditioning sets us up to react to a situation in old, potentially outdated ways… before we can even become present and respond in the moment.

For actual reality often shows up differently than we expect. If we bother to stop and check it out.

Here’s an example of what I mean. For most of my life, if someone is waiting for me, I’ve run the always-already thought, “Oh my God! I’m keeping someone waiting… hurry up hurry UP! Get over there and be helpful NOW!

And these days, most often, that someone would be our 16-month-old German Shepherd/Belgian Malinois mix, Zephyr. Recently, I realized she needed an extra walk each day to burn up her copious energy, so I’ve been walking her at 6:30 each morning as the sun rises here in Oakland.

The first morning, I leapt out of bed and began tearing through the process of getting dressed. I moved fast, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, putting on my sunscreen so I’d be ready for our walk as quickly as possible.

Keep it moving, keep it moving, I chided myself. I was actually anxious that I was keeping the dog waiting. For in my always-already picture of things, I assumed she was pacing, desperate to get out and do her business. I could just see her, tapping her paw impatiently.

Perhaps, God forbid, she was even considering crapping on the living room rug!

And what was Zephyr actually doing this whole time? When I finally poked my head out of the bathroom door and looked at her, she was lying nearby, completely relaxed. Sleepily, Zephyr raised her head to look at me as if to say “…what?”

I smiled at myself then and shook my head, remembering that this is was just my pre-arranged wiring. It was one of the many harsh lessons I’d taught myself young to stay out of trouble.

In fact, in the reality of the here and now, I could slow down and breathe. The dog was fine and I could stop moving at warp speed.

The value of noticing your always-already listening is that you can catch yourself being hard on yourself– or on someone else. With this kind of awareness, you may notice that your shoulders have risen a full two inches in anxious anticipation. Or that your breath has sped up.

Then you can stop and ask yourself a great question. What’s going on right now? And you can even follow with the equally great question, What do I need right now?

The answer might be, I’m feeling scared. I don’t know what so and so will think. What if XYZ happens??

If you stop then, and just breathe for a moment and come back to yourself, you may notice that always-already listening simply evaporates. And if it doesn’t, you can always remind yourself that you may be triggered. And that your reaction might not even be accurate.

This can be especially helpful when assuming you’re heading into a fight with a partner or someone at work. Often our assumptions are wrong…so prepare to be surprised by what reality is actually serving up.

May this help you find your way to a greater sense of peace, presence and what Teal used to call ‘Just being’.

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Hello from the Twelfth House

Recently my astrologer, John Marchesella, gave me my annual reading. This is something I do because it helps me frame my life from year to year. Patterns emerge. Influences get uncovered. And suddenly, confusing situations become infinitely clearer.

For instance, the past year has been strangely slow for me. My fiction work ended, another book I was writing wrapped up, and I’ve been building a corporate consulting/teaching business about self-care. It’s been slow to develop.

Dealing with long COVID, a month of laryngitis and a three-month renovation in which we lived alongside the guts being ripped out of our house has kept me otherwise occupied. Add to this the fact that my corporate work is now focused on self-care for hybrid workers. This is an unfolding, dynamic situation requiring much research, and the editing of all my current materials.

Turns out this meandering progress is typical when a person is in the 12th house. This is the house of reflection, reviewing, summarizing, and it includes a vague sense of being a little lost. This final, critical house embodies the swirling, morphing inexactitude of water.

It also happens to be the house of death and ghosts. Which is appropriate, because earlier in 2022 I finished Free Spirited, my memoir about the death of my daughter Teal, the healing I experienced as I connected with her spirit, and how it changed my life. (It’s due to publish in February, 2023.)

“This is a time when you should just be connecting to Spirit and really doing nothing more,” John told me. And why? Because the only planet in my 12th house is Chiron… and Chiron is all about healing ‘the wounded healer.’

Which in this case would be me.

So now I’m moved to simply surrender. There really is nothing more to be done than what I can reasonably do each day.

And after that… well, I must truly let go. I have to stop shaming myself for not ‘getting more done’. Instead, I find myself in guided flow.

For instance, today marks the final day of our major renovation that included the kitchen of my dreams. Exterior painters showed up to paint some fading house trim and replace a little dry rot on some window sills. One hour later, I found out this 100-year-old house has termites.

I hopped on Google to learn more about termites—and a few clicks later, a highly rated company with fair prices got in touch. “We can be there Sunday to inspect and remove,” he texted me.

For all the airtime I give the concept of letting go, I can’t say I’m the quickest to do so. However, sometimes life intervenes and you simply have no choice.

We don’t get to control the outcomes in our lives. And no matter how busy we make ourselves, things don’t always go our way. So we’re left with surrender.

This aware but relaxed state is what my late daughter Teal called, ‘just being’. Not trying to fix or ameliorate. Not rushing to change what is happening. Instead, ‘just being’ is about not resisting or fretting. It’s about leaning into each situation to see what it yields.

Teal wrote about this in her journal while backpacking through Italy’s Amalfi coast. One evening at sunset she passed a cemetery, and pausing, decided to go in and meditate. Afterwards, she wrote this:

“I realized in life I am never really there. I tend to be thinking about the future or past or something someone said instead of being in the moment, and taking it in for all its beauty. After this meditation I knew I had been transformed because I looked out over the ocean and mountain scene in front of me and started to cry. I was really able to take it all in and I finally realized how blessed I am to be here and how many beautiful things there are here.”

May you join me in this massive letting go…this massive expansion…which will lead who knows where?

I’m up for the adventure. How about you?

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The Art of the Work Break

Perhaps you’ve seen reports that say our productivity and focus increase when we take frequent breaks. Yet, the majority of workers in the U.S. only leave their desk for lunch. Breaks are important. Fact is, creative ‘aha moments’ most often come to those who take frequent breaks.

The brain is not a machine. Indeed, it needs tender loving care, just like the rest of us. And it needs a chance to reset with rest breaks along the way as it works, ever harder, to produce for us.

Here are some ideas on how to use this precious break to truly restore yourself, so you can give your all with grace and ease.

Take a 15-minute break every sixty to ninety minutes. Reset by walking away from all work. Since now no one is clocking your at-the-desk time, this is actually possible.Don’t take calls or even think about business. Make this your ‘no-work zone’ and milk it for all its worth. Be vigilant about this when working at home, especially.Focus on you. Don’t get distracted doing something for someone else. If you take a break in your home office, say, be a connoisseur of R&R and give yourself just what YOU need. Is it a healthy snack? A little neck massage? Walking to the corner for a coffee? Don’t let others apparent needs get in the way of your much deserved break.Get off all screens —even if just for a few minutes. The world will get along without you, and you will get a chance to slide back to ‘default mode’. This is where the brain can relax a little and daydream. That’s when problems can get solved unexpectedly as solutions naturally pop up.Don’t automatically head for sugar and extra caffeine. Instead, do something healthy for yourself. Nutritionists have identified the ideal snack as fresh fruit and a handful of nuts. Consider apples and peanut butter, or a protein bar, or a plain yogurt. Excessive caffeine will leave you jittery and unable to clearly focus, while sugar spikes can cause your system to crash later in the day.Use caffeine strategically. The key is to not have too much. Find your comfortable limit and stay there, but do know if you haven’t had much or any caffeine, a little boost could help your focus and productivity. The theanine in coffee is especially useful for that.Go outside. Researchers from Heriot-Watt University have found that time spent walking in nature registers as meditative in the brain. The Japanese even have a name for this beneficial wander in the nearest park: ‘Tree showers’. 20 minutes of walking in nature equals a full two hours of walking in an urban setting, and has been proven to increase creativity.Consider a 15-minute nap. Power napping done strategically during the day can increase creativity, energy, problem solving and improve alertness, depending on how you time it. An excellent resource on this is the book Take a Nap! Change Your Life by Sara C. Mednick and Mark Ehrman.Do a completely different activity. Years ago, I worked in a small ad agency where a mid-morning jazz jam session took place in the boss’s office for twenty minutes each day. Then they went back to work completely refreshed. What refreshes you? A puzzle? Some yoga stretches? Closing your eyes and listening to music? A quick meditation? A knitting break? Keep that activity at close hand.Consider the micro-break. When a 15-minute break isn’t possible, allow yourself to take just a few minutes off—five is better than none. Don’t tell yourself ‘I just can’t stop.’ You can, if it only means escaping to a stairwell to rest. Even this will help the brain reset and give you some relief.All of these ideas will help you max your ride through the day and get closer to the beloved state of flow. May you seize those breaks for all they’re worth and truly enjoy them!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. And that leaves even more time for the important things in life, like connecting with family and giving yourself a chance to get some rest. Here’s the most key advice: Take the right kind of breaks, and take them often.

 

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How Does Your Work Environment Impact Your Self-Care

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Have you ever noticed? Sometimes the only place you can tackle a challenging bit of work is in a coffee bar–or in my case, Julie’s, a tea garden here in Alameda.

As someone who’s worked from home consistently since 1986, I’ve learned there are times when you just need to leave the house. AND… there are times when hunkering down in the home office is just the right thing to do. (Note: Coffee bars can have less than robust wifi, especially if the place is crowded.)

Which could explain the current push by more than 75% of corporate America to move their teams to hybrid work. Turns out working at home all the time is productive—yet over time, it gets lonely, too, and that drains the productivity.

Surprise, surprise. We need each other—live and in-person. But only sometimes. Meanwhile, I say our environments and what’s in them still impact us. For I suspect most of us are far more sensitive than we’d cop to.

So to that end, here are a few ideas on how to adapt any work space, at home or in your workplace, to increase your feelings of self-care. (All of these ideas can be adapted for shared or ‘hotdesking’ modes.)

Make sure the temperature is just right. Be like ‘baby bear’ in The Three Bears, and really tune in to what works for you. Acknowledge your needs and take care of them. If you’re on your feet and you’re feeling cold, add layers. If you’re sitting at a desk and you’re burning up, add a portable fan. You get it. Always keep a layer to put on at hand.Bring headphones/air pods or such and some music that instills a sense of calm and peace. I like Spotify’s ‘Peaceful Piano’ playlist. Also Nature Instrumentals. These disappear into the background beautifully and keep you from being distracted by, say, someone’s Zoom conference in the next cubicle or the barking dog next door.If possible, bring art.  I have a large view of the Pacific over my desk. Why is it there? Because nothing provides me with prevailing peace like the ocean. This is a picture of my beloved Sonoma Coast, and the colors and the mood just make me go ahhhhhhh. When I look at it, I always come right back to myself.If you can’t hang art in your space, bring along a 5X7” version of the image, and maybe stick it in a tough portable frame for easy transport. Of course, you can always make this your desktop background on your laptop. I have both.
 Stash the right snacks nearby. I have a mason jar with my beloved Salted Licorice Disks…Sometimes one of those will pick me up like nothing else. It’s the kind of edible encouragement I just need a little of now and then, and a jar lasts me months. (Note, I’m not suggesting you bring chocolate-covered potato chips or whatever you might consider a binge-worthy food…just something to put a smile on your face.)Get the seating right. I have to have a small, dense pillow right in the small of my back to help me sit up with better posture. Otherwise my long hours in the office chair start to gang up on me. Some chiropractors I know insist that arm rests are not useful, others say they are. The biggest factor ergonomic seating is the angle between your hips and your knees. Ideally you want them at a 90-degree angle, at least, with knees not higher than hips.Don’t forget the water. I notice that when I’m really, truly hydrated, my mental concentration is great and my flagging energy picks up. So get your water on. Why not buy a really beautiful water bottle that holds what you need—and looks cool, too? Perhaps it will give your lowly water bottle a little cachet… Here’s a fun example.Pop on a little aromatherapy. I can’t tell you why it works—maybe it’s simply suggestion? But when I put the right scent in my home office, it eases my stress and makes me feel inspired. Yes, there are seasonal scents (Pumpkin Muffins, Fall Leaves) but I like stress-relieving scents like Lavender and Eucalyptus. Just the basics, please. May you have fun experimenting. Aromatherapy diffusers are inexpensive and easy to use.Work standing up with a variable desk. One genius I know has been doing this for years by working on his baby grand piano. But I keep it simple with a varidesk—a small convertable desktop that has options for moving up and down, depending on how you want to work. When I stand, I try to shift my hips and change position frequently, apparently better for your body. And yeah… sitting all day long is the enemy. Research tells us that if you sit all day, a half-hour workout at the gym will do no good afterwards.

That’s all I’ve got for now, but feel free to send me more ideas at Suzanne AT suzannfalter.com. And don’t forget to breathe!

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Discovering a New Self-Care Comfort Zone, Part 2

In my last blog post, I wrote about how old entrenched behaviors had locked me into poor self-care. My lifelong habits were fraught with tension, compulsivity and so much anxiety. Yet, mercifully change happens.

But it’s not always easy. 

True self-care requires tuning in to our deepest selves, and becoming intimate with the small, neglected person inside.

Yet that tender inner soul is often left waiting patiently for our To Do lists to finally end, which they never do. Instead, we must take action to turn things around.

So how do we actively change things up to embrace a new self-care comfort zone—especially when initially, at least, it seems so very selfish to slow down and think of ourselves.

The key is to become comfortable with discomfort, and to massively trust the process. Which is easier said than done. To that end, here are some steps that c anyone who’s uncomfortable with self-care can take to get the ball rolling.

(PS. You’ll know if you’re uncomfortable with self-care because you never seem to be able to make time for it.)

Practice slowing down a little. From time to time, stop yourself and walk more slowly somewhere. Or eat more slowly. Or drive more slowly. Notice if everything you do feels like a race to the finish line…then breathe. And slow it all down.Dare to do nothing. Or just stop and breathe and sit there from time to time. Don’t pick up your phone. Don’t chatter to whoever is nearby. Force yourself instead to notice your breathing, to tune in to yourself. Sit there quietly and close your eyes. Feel the air on your skin. Be in the moment…and feel your whole system relax.Tune into what you need. The highest form of self-care is to ask yourself the question, ‘What do I need right now?’ and then focus on getting it. Or even getting clear if you have no idea. Our needs are always there, patiently waiting for us to tune in and pay attention.Make a plan, big or small, to take care of your needs. Once you’re clear on what those needs are, start to take steps. It’s easy to observe a need and then get carried away by other responsibilities. So the moment becomes lost and your needs continue to be unmet. Instead, write down three steps you could take, then actually schedule them into your day. They don’t have to be big—just proof that you’re taking your needs more seriously.Ask for support when needed. If this sounds familiar, it’s because I talk about it a lot. Seems we always need reminding on this key self-care tool. Others are here to help us one way or another when the going gets rough, whether it be a friend who is game to help our or an entire support group of people who have the same needs. Support can come from unexpected places… I did a podcast about how to actually make this happen here.Consider having your own Board of Directors. Or at least a few reliable, objective friends or even professional advisors (coaches, financial advisors, etc) who’d be willing to listen and give you honest feedback. Having at least two people you can regularly get input from is beyond valuable. Share with them anything that causes you pressure in life. My own BOD are two dear friends who’ve seen me through IRS audits, major renovations, and managing tricky moments with friends and family. Truly invaluable… even life changing!Give yourself adequate resources. Sometimes we have big plans and sterling goals, but we haven’t actually gotten, say, the money together to make them happen– or perhaps not enough money. It could be we don’t have enough sleep generally, so we’re dragging too much to proceed. Or maybe we haven’t allowed ourselves adequate time to make such shifts, expecting everything to magically fall into place tomorrow. Magical thinking and bad planning do not support us. Instead, they are like invisible trip wires that sabotage our efforts. Where have you skimped on resources to help you surrender to self-care?Be willing to be uncomfortable. I’ll say it again. Discomfort breeds growth. Whether it forces you to acknowledge something that no longer fits, or stretches you in new, vulnerable ways to get what you need. You CAN trust the slightly uncomfortable process that brought you here, and will take you forward… if you can just get out of the old trusted comfort zone. Expect to feel selfish from time to time, or resentful, or exhausted. You’ll feel like quitting sometimes. But hang in there. Take the leap—and you will be rewarded!And keep this in mind: Each step taken, however uncomfortable, just makes the next step easier. Keep on going, friend.

You can do it!

The post Discovering a New Self-Care Comfort Zone, Part 2 appeared first on Suzanne Falter.

Discovering a New Self-Care Comfort Zone

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Do you get this golden nugget the way I do? 

My set point throughout nearly my entire adult life was to over produce, over work, knuckle down and push myself past most reasonable limits. The thinking was that if I excelled, succeeded, made lots of money, and reached lots of people… well, then, maybe I’d be worthy. 

Maybe.

It wasn’t until the bottom dropped out of my life in 2012, including the sudden death of my daughter Teal, that I finally stopped and reassessed this exhausting approach to life.

I’d always overworked and undermined myself because it was comfortable—even if it directly interfered with actual self-care. I suspect a lot of us do this.

Here are some of my old behaviors and beliefs that appeared to foster productivity yet were neither helpful, or sustainable. 

See if you relate.

1. Imagine I was a super-person who could do more than most mere mortals. This would be you if you’re To Do list never gets done, despite your best efforts. There’s just too damn much on it. 

Each day I’d feel guilty that I didn’t get it all done, and shame myself for ‘low productivity’. Even though I put in a perfectly decent amount of work.

Turns out giving myself the time to do things consciously and easily is kinder and a great way to respect myself. And it’s actually more productive in the long run.

2. Decide things too quickly. I used to pride myself on being a quick decision maker, as if that was a virtue. Had I chosen many of my next moves more slowly and thoughtfully, I could have much better, more sustainable results.

Now I make a point of using the phrase ‘Can I get back to you on that?’ a lot. Then I stop to check in with my various supporters for their feed back (see below.) My decision making isn’t fast these days. But it is grounded in reality, and good results usually follow.

3. Stay vague about important details. Early on, I decided that I didn’t really need to know key facts about my life: bank and credit card balances, taxes due, insurance policy details, necessary medical and dental services, car and home maintenance needs, and the like.

I was a creative person, I told myself. I couldn’t fill my head with all this stuff. 

Oh, how we live and learn!

In my fifties, I finally took responsibility for such matters. And what’s interesting is that not only do I now have a calmer, far less dramatic relationship with the business of life, I find it kind of fun.

Was getting here uncomfortable? Profoundly! I had to learn how to talk to everyone from IRS auditors to mortgage brokers. Which I did with a lot of support. Ironically, such activities are extremely soothing to me now.

4. Talk a big story. Back in the day, I was always one to exaggerate or even lie when talking about my sales, my successes, my career path. As if that would make woefully inadequate Me more palatable to the person I was talking to.

It was a habit I’d developed back in school when the mean kids bullied me, and I had to retreat to make believe to cope.

Not only did I delude people, but I also undermined my own confidence—and fed my sense of being an imposter. After Teal’s death, I stopped doing this entirely, and discovered something surprising: I’m pretty good just as I am.

Turns out it’s way easier to be yourself than someone else.

5. Deny my mistakes. If I made a single error, I was always the first one to deny it—or hide it—or run away. God forbid someone might find out that Little Miss Perfect wasn’t, actually.

As an older person, I see how critical all of those mistakes have been for my personal development.  And that owning them is not only big deal, it’s been important.

Taking responsibility simply makes me feel more grounded. And allows me to make amends where needed, which soothes my soul even if it’s hard. Everything is always alright in the end.

6. Trust the untrustworthy. Because I didn’t trust myself, I often had a hard time determining whom and what could actually be trusted. I found myself following dicey charismatic leaders, and charming but dangerous friends.

Yet, the Universe taught me hard in 2012-13, when I found myself walking away from a toxic relationship, and from two different homes that came with difficult housemates.

I learned that I didn’t need that level of suffering…and that I could have peace, joy and even real love. And that I deserved it.

7. Do it all alone, no matter what. Oh the folly of this sad idea… We have far more support around us than we realize. There are people in all corners of our lives who want to help us—if we’ll only ask. Yet we don’t. And it’s lonely.

I believed I didn’t deserve ask for help. But then, life taught me the real truth. Help is abundant. Asking for such support is now a critical part of my self-care.

Each time on this path back to self-care, it was uncomfortable to leave that old toxic ‘comfort zone.’ I had moments of real anxiety. 

Could I really trust my instincts? Was it truly okay to slow down and take my time? Would I honestly make the right move?

Each time that I trusted myself and took action, I reinforced the message that the new Suzanne was no longer available for abuse, overwork or perfectionism and over production. 

I found a stronger self—a new, far more delightful comfort zone– beyond the toxic fringes of my old uncomfortable suffering zone.

May you, too, 

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