The Bad Habits That Drive Self-Sabotage (and What to Do About Them)

Sometimes a light comes on somewhere in the depths of your mind…and you can see your reality for what it actually is. Recently I had one of those moments.

Since my work writing fiction recently ended, I’ve begun to see how quiet I’ve been about my other work. Particularly, the speaking and workshops I’ve been doing ‘on the side’ since 1994. 

In the last 30 years, I’ve spoken to audiences ranging from first responders, attorneys and transplant nurses to advertising executives, budding writers, and burned out real estate agents. One of my workshops was licensed by more than 600 coaches in 30 countries, and it’s been led thousands of times. I’ve had audience members break down and cry when my talks were over. I’ve even gotten fan mail from my attendees.

But you’d never know it, would you? And not because this work didn’t have value—it most certainly did. And it still does. 

I haven’t really marketed my speaking or put it out there much because, weirdly, I wanted people to ask me about it instead. All this time, I had the mistaken belief that being quiet about my speaking would be appropriately humble. Or even… sigh… noble, somehow.

It turns out that this is nothing less than self-sabotage. Apparently, a lot of us codependents suffer from this.

It’s often hard to see your self-sabotage for what it is. All you know is that somehow it isn’t quite safe to live your dream. Someone somewhere in your past gave you the message that it was best if you stay off stage, or at least keep one foot in the shadows. And so you internalized that warning in your gut.

All this time, you’ve dutifully laid low.

You’ll know this is you if this blog is making you feel a bit uncomfortable. And please note—self-sabotage can apply to work, to love, to your health…to anything you really care about.

You know you’re self-sabotaging when something you’d dearly love just keeps on eluding you. Or you can’t seem to get started with it. Or perhaps you can’t finish. To that end, I’ve created the following checklist. 

See if any of these behaviors sound familiar.

You keep a chronically disorganized desktop or files. If you have to quickly locate, say, a helpful database of contacts or a list of relevant accomplishments, or even a better online dating headshot, you can’t. Such things might not even exist. Or perhaps it’s all in your head, still waiting to be recorded somewhere.

You run out of steam when it’s time to move forward. Sure, you can create the beloved work or the new sexy look. That’s the fun part. But show it to others? Or actually put your profile up on a dating site? You’d rather pull your hair out. Consequently, no one ever sees your starting first chapter or your beautiful smile. This way, you stay small and ephemeral. And safe.

There’s a repeating pattern of failures. If you look back through time at your quest, you see lots of missteps. Many bad first dates or lousy would-be relationships. Businesses that crashed and burned. Each time you almost got there…but never quite accomplished what you’d hoped for.

You attract people who help you stay small. The agent who keeps losing your manuscripts. The business partner who’s always too busy to get started. The boyfriend who won’t commit. Take a good, clear look at who’s connected to you and your dream. Will they really come through for you? Is this really what you want… truly?

You are under-resourced. You don’t have the money to make things happen, or the time. Of perhaps you’re living in a place where you just don’t jibe with the other folks. (Think, say, being a salsa dancer living in a place where people still fox trot.)

Either you never get started…or you never finish. Perhaps you feel hopeless. Or more likely, you convince yourself this life passion isn’t all that important– and that the needs of  everyone else around you are. You can’t get going, or even stick with your project. (Take note, this is different from losing steam because that thing that is no longer a fit.)

You keep thinking you’ll be discovered. Your fantasies are not about pitching The New York Times repeatedly and eventually getting a yes, or about going on 100 bad first dates before you find ‘The One’. Instead, yours are about being discovered like a Hollywood starlet perched at a drug store counter who magically gets discovered. You half expect the big break will happen  when you least expect it. And perhaps it will. But not until you put in the requisite work.

Does any of this resonate? If so, read on…

To move past all that self-sabotage you have to get real about where you are currently at. Instead of giving up, take notes on what needs to change. Then get busy and begin to make baby steps in a more positive direction. You can do this!

Over time those baby steps become bigger and bigger leaps towards your goals, as you gradually emerge in all your power. The phrase ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ applies here. The key is to allow yourself to take as long as it needs. And prepare to be patient, friend. Your progress may not happen all at once.

If you are honest with yourself, it will indeed happen. Just keep on moving. Refuse to settle for less than you need and want. If your project requires more time, make it happen. If you need to move to find the love of your life, then follow your instincts and do it.

Resource yourself well, friend. Because you deserve it, and frankly, so do we. The rest of the world wants and needs what you have to offer.

As for me, I’m building a brand new speaking site right now. I even got myself some new headshots, and designed a roster of updated speaking offerings. I’ll be proudly sharing them here within the next month or so.

Our personal progress is always rolling forward. But only at the pace that we allow.

So why not surrender to your own particular greatness? It may actually be easier than you think.

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