How to (Possibly) Fall in Love with the Love of Your Life
Photo: Jay Wiley Photography
Is it possible to intentionally meet the person who is truly the love of your life? Not all of us are so lucky, of course. Some of us get stuck in various mindsets or situations which just flat out prevent great love. And yet… that doesn’t have to be the case.
If you’re open, you can indeed find that special person.
I was fortunate to find the true love of my life four years after I came out as a lesbian and moved across the country at age 52. Something was pulling me to the Bay Area, and I now know it was the woman who became my wife on the day pictured above. I cannot tell you how much joy this relationship has brought me.
Real and lasting love can happen, even later in life as it did for us. Here are some key steps I learned in the four-year process of evolution that led me to my great love.
1 Get clear that you are ready for this… and commit. Get on your knees and tell the Universe you’re ready. Or if that’s not your thing, tell yourself in a journal, or on a long walk in nature. Just … make sure you’re all in.
2. Let go of your old assumptions and stories about love. If you believe that you’ll always be unfairly treated, or ‘there are no good ones out there’ then that is what you’ll manifest. And true and lasting love will not be so likely to come your way. Instead, take the high road and assume your needs will be met by a loving Universe. Finding love is more about your inner growth than finding some mythic ‘right’ person who will magically make your relationship seamless.
3. Be honest about what you want in this relationship and make a list of those qualities. Write it all down. Then put it away and forget about it. Completely. Don’t even look at it, and no peeking until much much later. (See below.)
4. Make yourself truly available. Here’s where you have to be honest with yourself. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t working and there is no hope for repair, leave. If you’re a workaholic with no time for relationships, stop working so dang hard. If you are ‘too busy’ with family members get some support and make yourself available.
5. If life has provided a crisis-catalyst, take it as an opportunity. This might be the loss of a loved one, or a career, or a job, or an illness. It’s often the perfect time for a reset. This is where you sift and sort out the pieces of your now fractured life, and choose what to keep and what to let go of. Be discerning. You can trust your desires to lead you. Ultimately, this will bring your life back into alignment if you allow it.
6. Do not rush into a new relationship, but spend time with yourself. Learn how to become utterly satisfied with YOU. If you’re not used to being a lone, this is going to seem a little strange at first, but you can do it. After a while, taking yourself on ‘dates’ becomes a lot of fun—you get to do exactly what you want and nothing more, nothing less. Feeding your long held desires is the key. What have you always wanted to learn or do? Where have you always wanted to go? In no time, new comforting ways of being with yourself will emerge.
7. Work on your rough edges. If you’re serious about a great relationship, this is the time to become humble. To work on becoming the very best YOU that you can be. This might involve getting profession help, joining a recovery or support group, or doing some workshops. For me, I read dozens of self-help book and had weekly talks with my sister to reconstruct what happened in our childhoods. I also used a therapist and support groups to really grow and thrive. And in doing so… I met a whole new network of healing, humble, wonderful people.
8. When you’re ready to date again, get feedback. Find a wing-woman to come along, or have someone you can review the possible candidates with after each date. KEY: It’s not about how they look on paper—it’s about what they said and did on the early dates. This will tell you everything you need to know. Dazzling you with expensive meals and gifts is actually not as important as being a good listener, demonstrating kindness, emotional maturity, and true availability. I actually hired a dating coach who made me see a few women I dated were not appropriate choices for me, including one who wasn’t entirely done with a previous relationship! Remember… YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Where you meet these potential dates is not as important as vetting them thoroughly with others before you go off the deep end into the land of no return. If a friend offers to set you up on a blind date with someone ‘really great’, have a different friend in your corner to give you honest feedback as you review the date afterwards.
9. Take it easy and have lots of options. Do not commit to that someone special until you’ve been on multiple dates with them AND multiple others. Don’t go exclusive with some guy you meet at midnight in a bar… much as your heart might yearn to. Give it time. Remember everyone’s a stranger until we really learn who they are. Slow going and patience are what will get you there. Can’t keep from falling for the first person you date? Read this very helpful book. The Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu. Her strategy is a good one.
10. Once you think you’ve found someone special, take a look at that list from #3. Perhaps your new love won’t tick off every box you checked … but now ask yourself honestly. How important is that particular quality? By now you may be VERY astute at knowing your wants and needs, because you’ve been listening to them throughout this process and responding to them.
It is, of course, possible you will carefully follow these steps and NOT find that great love. We never know what the Universe has in mind for us. But think of it this way… either wya, you’ll have grown immensely from this process in your own self-love. And friend… isn’t that ultimately, the greatest love of all?
Good luck … here’s to cracking open that big, fine heart of yours!
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