How I Stopped Worrying and Found My Way to the Light

When I was in fourth grade, my teacher, Miss Brown, sent home a report card that said, “Suzanne seems excessively worried.” In fact, I’ve been worrying ever since.

Why, I cannot tell you, for we all know that worry generates nothing but bad mental mojo and stress in our bodies. For me, that has shown up as tooth grinding, jaw clenching (requiring years of orthodontics), tense shoulders and even gut trouble at times. I’ve only learned to control it through regular meditation, journaling, a little prayer and yoga.

But can I truly give up worrying? Well, no. Not entirely. Because I realize now, it’s a state of being… one I freely chose for most of my life. I’ve swum in an endless sea of worry like a fish in a slightly cloudy tank, unaware of my mental gunk.

Strangely, worrying has made me feel safe. As if thinking ahead in anticipation of dire events will somehow protect me from such moments, should they ever occur.

For instance, I KNOW without question what I’ll do the minute a major earthquake strikes my home in the Bay Area. And I know what I’ll do if other bad things, like financial loss, major illness, or wildfires, beset me. But really… such exercises are academic.

For when the bottom truly drops out, like it did when my daughter Teal suddenly died in 2012, all the worry in the world couldn’t protect me from the fallout.

This is the illusion of worry—that thinking ahead keeps us safe and immune to pain.

I’ve come to realize that life actually is pain, in part. And perhaps that is the point.

I never worried about such an occurrence because it never crossed my mind it could happen. That was just too heinous. Too wrong. What I know now is that the loss of my beloved daughter was the fulcrum point on which my life rests. For it seems only since then have I truly evolved.

When Teal died, I suddenly saw my life starkly. I realized I’d completely lost track of my values, and I’d been living without key things like integrity and compassion for far too long. I was busy to a fault, and ignoring some key things that demanded my attention. In short, I woke up.

So I devoted myself to honoring Teal’s legacy through service… through raw and unfettered writing. Through bringing women together who support each other in my Facebook group. Through my podcasts, in which I gently speak to my listeners, spreading love and healing where I can.

I do my best to live up to an invitation from Teal herself, which I received in a letter from her six months before her death. She said we were meant to be “leaders in light” together in this lifetime, and she offered me her full support. Little did I know that we would indeed do just that. Or that I’d walk this path alone—yet fully in sync with her disembodied spirit.

As I’ve traveled this path of light leadership day by day, I’ve noticed something extraordinary. When I trust it—and even when I don’t—the path has taken care of me. Completely. In spite of my tendency to worry.

A regular income writing fiction showed up unbidden when I had no idea how I would earn money. Podcast listeners have continued to pour in, even though I’ve done little to court them. And my Facebook group has been the most extraordinary of all.

In a  huge surge over the last two weeks, 23,000 women showed up, wanting to join. And this was through no action of my own. I simply created the space and in they came. At first, the surge of interest blew my mind. This wasn’t normal! Where were they all coming from? Was it hacking? A bot gone mad?

Turns out it was just women responding to the idea that they needed self-care. Still, for more than a week, I was consumed with worry as I groped around, looking for some kind of blueprint, or even explanation.

With barely any effort on my part, however, the perfect team to help materialized. For at least five screeners were needed to maintain the integrity of the group, and make sure the rules were being followed. And they’ve done an excellent job. The quality of conversation, literally among thousands of women from all over the world, remains vulnerable, real and truly healing.

The group has become truly breathtaking to me. Mainly because I’ve stopped worrying and surrendered to the flow of life, as I learn once again that worrying does nothing more than kill the buzz.

May you also enjoy some worry-free peace of mind… for this is where the sweet beating heart of life is.

Embrace it, my friend.

 

 

 

 

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