How to Get the Help You Truly Need

Recently in my Facebook Group, I asked what I thought was a simple question: Are you getting the help you need? Who would you ask?

 

Turns out a LOT of women need a lot of help! Within 1 hour 1500 women had seen this question, and dozens had replied. And nearly every one said the same thing—no, they don’t get any help. Furthermore, they told me, there’s no point in asking.

If they did ask, they’d just get a big fat NO.

The response that there wasn’t enough help and there never would be took me aback. So I put together a little cheat sheet on how to ask for help and actually get it. Because when you ask for help and get it, an entire world of possibilities opens up.

For one thing, when you get enough help you finally have enough time for self-care. So to that end, here are steps to lead you towards getting the help you need, in this case, around the house. Yet, with a few slight modifications, these steps can be applied in any situation.

First, change your thinking about getting help. Many of us truly believe we simply can’t change the way things are. We think we can’t ask others for help—that as one commenter put it, ‘there’s too much drama around asking for help.’ We simply believe it isn’t possible.

And as long as we believe that… it’s not.

Stop thinking others should ‘know’ they need to help. Some of us believe others should read our minds and simply ‘know’ we need help. Truth: No one can read a mind. And no one may realize you need help unless you ask for it. And some of our family members walk around in happy denial that help is needed.
This is when making a well-placed request is a good idea. It can be a process. See #5.Get clear on exactly what help you need. Knowing what you need can be tough– especially if we’re overwhelmed. Then the entire mess of demands smushes together into  a big, ominous blob you can’t begin to take apart. Break it down, area by area. Do you need help at work? At home? With your physical health? Your mental health?

If you’re not sure how to do this, create some quiet time. (Even that might be a challenge… but do this. It will help.) Then journal on or ponder this question: What’s bothering me?

As you get clear on where different bothers are, your needs will naturally surface. So write them down. Then start to think about where you can get the help to meet those needs. It might be a therapist–or it might be asking for more help at work, or around the house to free up a little precious time.

Make specific, measurable requests. If you want help doing the dishes, for instance, ask for it from specific family members. Don’t rant. Don’t be intense or rude, and don’t be a victim. Just say what you need, coolly and calmly. “Honey, please do the dishes tonight.” Don’t fall into the trap of hysterically demanding general non-specific help. As in ‘No one lifts a finger to help me in this damn house!’.

That’s our mother’s model, and it doesn’t work. (Does this ring a bell? Remember how you used to tune out Ranting Crazy Mom?)

Politely stick to your boundary. When hubby insists he has to rush out at that exact moment, let him know with a smile the dishes will still be here when gets back. Then go about your business, and go find a little time for self-care, R&R, or whatever pleases you. In other words, completely let go.

Do not get hooked by the thought that he ‘should’ have done them by now Or that he’s not doing them carefully enough, or the way you would do them. The point is to free you of this task, right? And above all, don’t bug the man. Let him be a grown up and remember what your request was. Politeness and consistency are what makes this work. Stick to your limit, no matter how uncomfortable it gets.

Remember, you’re going for lasting change here which requires a warrior mindset. Even if it means the dishes don’t get done the next day either, or even that they pile up all week. At this point, and only then, feel free to speak to hubby a second time. Do let him know you won’t be doing any more dishes for the foreseeable future.

You can explain that you have other things to do and it’s time he helped out. But don’t get caught in justifying your actions. You shouldn’t have to. And no ranting. No drama. Just… smile.

He’ll begin to understand at this point that some new rules are in play. If you have to pull out the paper plates, go right ahead. (This is when you might begin to rethink whether you should be doing the cooking at all. Perhaps someone else should take this task as well?)

Keep on your boundary—do not cave in. No matter what. Consistency is critical.

Until we set a limit and say ‘no more’… and make a specific request about what we need… nothing actually will change. So what happens when no dishes are available? People who never washed a dish suddenly, miraculously start doing them.

It’s not always easy to ask for help. But it’s worth it. You just have to be patient and let the process unfold.Use your leverage. In the case, say, of teens who need rides places or the use of the car, this can be a very useful tool in request enforcement. Why should Child get use of valuable family car when they can’t lift a finger to help around the house?

Or for Hubs…What would Hubby love that can be provided when you know he’s game to help out more around the house? I’m sure you’ll think of something…

We don’t want to be punitive, shrill or a heavy with this. We simply want to be firm and polite. And ultimately rewarding. It is possible to set boundaries with a smile.

Know this is your right. No one ever said we have to do it all. Really. This is simply the June Cleaver mindset we inherited from our mothers… and now we get to change that script. It will take some work, friend, and perhaps some discomfort, but look how much pain you may already be in.

You can find much more on this topic, including exactly when to make requests of men for best results, in my book The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care. 

I invite you to rethink the current dynamic and make a change if needed. You are beautiful, whole, and deserving of deep love and care. May this help you create lots of deep, lasting support in your life.

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