O.M. Grey's Blog, page 44

Steampunk World's Fair Con Report

O. M. Grey and DJ Doctor Q

Even a week later, I find that I'm still decompressing from a most splendid weekend at the 2nd Annual Steampunk World's Fair. Held at the Crown Plaza in Somerset, NJ, it was a whirlwind of bustles, top hats, and unadulterated joy.

Friday's festivities started for me when I ran into my dear friend and premiere Steampunk DJ Doctor Q while wandering the vendor halls. It had been months since I'd seen him, so it was quite delightful to catch up. He introduced me to his friend and Steampunk World's Fair headlining music act Professor Elemental, a fine (albeit quite mad) gentleman who does something called Chap Hop.

Shortly thereafter, chaos struck. Someone didn't cross a "t" on some contract somewhere, and the Fire Marshall forbade merchants from vending out of their rooms. But despite this snafu, the steampunks in attendance gathered together and helped all the vendors move into public areas. For hours the hallways were filled with swaying bustles carrying merchandise and dapper gentleman hauling tables. I overheard one lady call it the "Steampunk Trail of Tears," and it was rather inconvenient for the vendors, to say the least. But watching everyone in their fine dress pitch in and help was quite heartwarming, a testament to the community beneath the aesthetic. Vendors found new space to set up in the ballroom, art room, restaurant, and bar, among other places. Although things were a bit more cramped than planned, I like to think of it as more intimate.

Sir Captain Cedric Whittaker, Sir Professor Elemental, Sir Boba Fett, along with Mr. Saturday

Opening ceremonies included an introduction of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, a fun skit by the King of the Gypsies Anthony Pomerleau, and naming yours truly "Muse of the Fair" for being an inspiration to other artists and steampunks. It was truly an honor. The Gypsy King gifted me with a "Beauty" ribbon, one of the four pillars of bohemian ideals. That afternoon, Captain Cedric Whittaker, graciously asked me to accompany him to the knighting ceremony where he would receive the distinction of Knight of Steampunk along with Professor Elemental and Steampunk Boba Fett. The ceremony itself was quite nice, and I was moved to watch my dear friend accept the honor he so deserved as a shining example of steampunks everywhere. Capt. Whittaker and his crew of the Airship Isabella have done more than anyone to bring together a strong community of steampunks across the South. Well done, Sir Cedric!

Emperor Norton's Stationary Marching Band

Friday night, out in the hotel's portico, the amazingly exuberant Emperor Norton's Stationary Marching Bandentertained a large crowd. I've never seen anything like ENSMB. Throughout the weekend, they would march through the hotel, playing in the hallways, foyer, and elevator. One particular event that I'm most disappointed I missed is when ENSMB played in the elevator, stopping at every floor, while Professor Elemental rapped freestyle. There was so much going on at any given time that it was impossible to see it all. But Friday night I enjoyed ENSMB to the fullest. The crowd danced a circle around the band as they played. Dr. Q and I cut a bit of a rug ourselves with an impromptu Jitterbug Swing. Haven't danced like that in years. Definitely a highlight of the weekend.

I was particularly looking forward to The Big Brass Ball to learn some period dancing, but I arrived too late and there was no more room. Since the vendors moved into the ballroom, there was only 1/3 the space they expected. Next year. No doubt. The night ended for me with a private VIP concert by Eli August, an extremely talented musician. His music is on the opposite end of the happy spectrum from ENSMB, but having spent too much time in the darkness myself, I can relate. Very sad, very beautiful.

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Professor Elemental - photo by Jessica Lilley

Saturday. Insanity. My Saturday started a little too early after having been out so late the night before. At 10:00 am, I was on a panel on Mixing Genres in Steampunk Literature along with authors Stella Price, PJ Schnyder, Clay and Susan Griffith, and CJ Henderson. Shortly thereafter, I caught Professor Elemental's show because I just had to see what this Steampunk "Chap Hop" was all about. Several people told me that I simply must catch his show because he was great. Turns out that was a gross understatement. I'm actually quite convinced that Professor Elemental is some kind of mad genius. Brilliant. Dressed in a safari trousers and a pith helmet, he not only has a great stage presence and playfully interacts with his audience, sometimes inviting members up on stage to participate as live props, but his songs also have a perfect blend of absurdity and wit. When Professor Elemental raps, pure delight emerges from the speakers and infects the entire audience, inspiring laughter, dancing, and overall joviality. Truly brilliant. Have I already said that? It's worth saying again. Truly brilliant. When anyone says "Professor Elemental?" Answer with a resounding "Yes, please!" Lovely.

Leanna Renee Hieber and O. M. Grey

Afterward, I did a reading from my novel Avalon Revisited during the Mad Tea Party, which was sold out. The tea and treats were delicious and the company was top notch. Immediately following, I attended Tee Morris and Pip Ballentine's Ministry Tea Party and Book Launch for their new Steampunk Adventure Novel Phoenix Rising. The authors read from their book, chatted with readers, and served tea with zeppelin shaped cookies. Splendid. Yes, indeed! Afterward all the guest authors at the event remained for an official signing where we all got a chance to meet and interact with readers. It was turning out to be quite the literary afternoon. My dear friend and colleague Leanna Renee Hieber read from her new novelThe Perilous Prophecy of Guard and Goddess, the third book in the Strangely Beautiful series, leading us right up to the highly advertised Rapture.

Steampunk Boba Fett Post-Rapture

In honor of the Rapture at 6pm, JoJo Lazar performed REM's "End of the World" in the vestibule, an exhausted Jesus, SPWF organizer Gil Cnaan, was wheeled away on a stretcher after a hard day at work, and Steampunk Boba Fett left the rest of us behind.

Saturday evening was The Big Brass Ball, pt 2: Dance Party where I finally got to hear DJ Doctor Q spin for the first time and began to truly understand what a DJ does. His set was like a work of art, from the songs he chose to the way he mixed them together, sometimes with wonderfully fun snippets from Doctor Who and Star Wars. I danced the night away with the fine gentleman from the Airship Isabella, and I even got to do another Jitterbug or two with Doctor Q.  Another highlight of Saturday night was the "To Whom Does That Line Pertain To, Dear Chap?" held out in the portico, a Steampunk version of the improv show "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" put on by the fabulous Mr. Saturday and Sixpence from Texas's own Aetherfest. Hilarious.

Sunday, I must confess, was rather a blur. Since my Saturday didn't end until 5:30 am, I was a bit  zombified on Sunday. Still, it was a brilliant day full of croquet on the lawn, fine tea, and more great music by Frenchy & The Punk, Professor Elemental, Emperor Norton's Stationary Marching Band, and Eli August. The morning was rather sad, as the reception area quickly filled with steampunks and their suitcases checking out and heading home, the first indication things were winding down. But the day still held some wonders, like Queen Victoria's Birthday Tea Party with the glorious voice of Katie Kat and a reading by Lia Habel.

Although I thought it was all over, fate had other plans. My flight back to Texas was postposed overnight, so I was stuck in New Jersey. Fortunately, I got to spend the evening with friends in New York City. Jamee Goh, Ay-leen the Peacemaker, Lucretia Dearfour, and Professor Elemental certainly made this bonus night something very special indeed.

Ultimately, this splendid weekend had me blissfully intoxicated. Please don't miss next year's Steampunk World's Fair 2012, for there is nothing quite like it. I most certainly will be there.

(This post first appeared on Overbury Ink, May 30, 2011)

Filed under: Events & Contests Tagged: author, author visit, avalon, bustles, convention, corsets, cosplay, dj doctor q, goggles, mr. saturday, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paul alborough, pith helmet, postaweek2011, professor elemental, review, sixpence, steampunk, steampunk worlds fair, victorian

Opening Up to Intimacy

Intimacy. Terrifying for so many. I've never understood the fear myself, but then opening up emotionally for me is as natural as breathing. I'm still learning that not everyone can open up so easily. Some people can't open up at all.

What about getting close to someone is so scary? Is it fear of abandonment or rejection? Fear of losing oneself? What do you think?

Fear of abandonment & rejection I understand, no doubt. I'm an incredibly intense and passionate woman, and I do feel that in a new relationship especially I need to dial it back some. I'm a bit more reserved going in, especially in the wake of my recent heartbreak. I have deep seated abandonment issues, and I'm always afraid that it's just around the corner. Well, not always, just at the beginning of a new relationship. After 12 years, I know my husband is not going to just leave me one day. I know he will always be there for me, and even if something happens that breaches the trust we share, he will be there to work it out. I know that with the same certainty that I know the sun will rise again tomorrow. It's wonderful to feel so secure and protected in a loving relationship.

But we didn't get there overnight.

With new relationships, especially primary but even secondary, you're still feeling each other out. Perhaps trying to protect your heart until you gain some confidence in you & your beloved as a couple. Here is the tricky part: repress & protect too much, and the other party will think you're aloof or disinterested. Share too much too soon and the other party will think you're needy. It is a tricky time.

I have a tendency to take chances with new relationships and give too much of myself up front, which can result in an unbalanced relationship/attachment and ultimately heartbreak. Not good. However, if my beloved takes a step towards intimacy, I meet them eagerly. And then some.

New relationships are scary, especially when they're under complicated circumstances, but it is essential to be open with each other. Be honest. Trust that they'll take care of your heart, but keep your eyes open for signs of abuse, imbalance, and fear. Be ready to back off a little if necessary or just walk away (in cases of abusive behavior).

But as long as you're moving forward at relatively the same pace, open up! Show your lover who you are. Let them in. And encourage them to do the same. You must build trust and create a safe space to do so. Share your fears. Share your dreams. Nothing brings people closer together faster than sharing dreams & fears. We all have the same basic fears. Acknowledging that, and having it validated, is profound. But even if you don't understand or don't share a particular fear/issue/dream, don't judge. There is no room for judgment here. You might have different views of the world, religion, philosophy, morals, music, whatever; but that isn't as important as mutual respect and consideration, especially for a secondary relationship. For a primary, it might be necessary to share a basic philosophy on life and spirituality, depending on the individuals involved, of course.

As I've said before, love should be embraced in whatever form it manifests. It's precious and too rare. We all need to feel love and to feel loved. Don't be afraid of it. It's beautiful.

Come on in, boys. The water is fine.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, heartbroken, honesty, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Polyamory as an Alternative to Infidelity (Podcast)

The following is the first of a podcast series named after this blog: Caught in the Cogs. I'll be talking about alternative lifestyles like polyamory and other forms of non-monagamy, relationships, heartbreak, passion, sex, and love. These will start with blog posts and continue with further commentary on the subject at hand.

As this is my first podcast by myself, it is rather bare bones. Please help me become a better podcaster by telling me what you liked and how you think I could improve the podcast. I'm rather nervous, actually. :/

Thank you for listening.

Podcast: Polyamory as an Alternative to Infidelity:

Original blog post here.

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: Professor Elemental

So. Here's the thing. I'm fairly active in the Steampunk community. I'm more or less tuned into what's happening and who's who, so how on earth did this slightly mad treasure elude me for so long? Fortunately, thanks to the wondrous Steampunk World's Fair, that has now been remedied.

Early on Friday at the Fair, the fabulous DJ Doctor Q introduced me to fellow guest Professor Elemental, and once I saw him perform, my life was forever changed. Judging from his silly picture, I thought he was a comedian or some kind of personality, and he is both, really. But the reality of Professor Elemental is much more splendid than that. He is a Steampunk rapper, a gentleman busting a move to something called Chap Hop. If you have not yet been introduced to his jovial performance, you are truly missing out.

Professor Elemental is an emcee, mad scientist (emphasis on mad), inventor, explorer, & erotic dancer. This fellow's libidinous moves are certainly not to be missed. Sexy, indeed, as you will see in the video below. Best known for his song "Cup of Brown Joy," which has reached over one million hits on YouTube, he will have you shouting "Yes, please" before the kettle even boils.

Secondly, the song "Fighting Trousers" is just as fun, and it speaks to his rival Chap Hop Rapper, Mr. B, The Gentleman Rhymer. They are in the middle of an old fashioned rap war, English style; i.e., with lots of tea, crumpets, and decorum. The first showdown was this past weekend in Brighton, UK, but I have little doubt they'll soon be bringing their cultured brawl to this side of the pond. (Especially if we Texas Steampunks have any say in the matter.)

There are many more Splendid songs in addition to these two. So do yourself a favor and give a listen. This delightful and rather mad bloke will brighten your day and make you laugh out loud. You will never look at a pith helmet in quite the same way.

Support the good Professor by buying a CD or downloading his songs in MP3. Truly, they will raise your spirits and bring teapots full of joy into your life.

Time for a Cup of Brown Joy for me. Earl Grey for Lady Grey? Yes, please!

(Two drops.)

Lovely.

-_Q

Connect with Professor Elemental online: website * twitter * facebook

Read more about the good professor in WIRED, The Wall Street Journal, and on Suite101

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: brilliant, chap hop, comedy, convention, earl grey, england, fun, gentleman rhymer, hip hop, mr. b, music, new jersey, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paul alborough, postaweek2011, professor elemental, rap, rapper, somerset, spwf, steampunk, steampunk worlds fair, tea, trousers, uk, victorian, video, you tube

Steampunk Short Story: Dark Days in Bright City

In celebration of Short Story Month 2011, today I bring you "Dark Days in Bright City" by Matt Delman. Featured in Stories in the Ether by Nevermet Press

Raindrops explode on ground in front of me while cold wind blows through my oilcloth trenchcoat. "Sukkin sin." I clap hand over mouth and pray no one hears me. This would not be good thing. I huddle in alleyway across from well-lit bar, coat buttoned tight while I spy on entrance to building.

I flick switch on goggles taken from shop. Tiny gears click into place. Front door of bar focuses through rainstorm; door flies open. Singing spills out. I change attention to several men clumped outside bar. Even with better focus on door, men are still unclear through rain. I flick second switch and am able to see men clearly.

Every man is sailor on shore leave. Or ruffians dressed in pea coats common to sailors. Either one is possible in this section of Callarion. One turns toward me as I see flash of flame at mouth. Must be match lighting cigarette. My mouth dries at thought of smooth tobacco. I lick my lips and clench my fists to hold still. Nyet. I stopped smoking because Sonya asked. It would be wrong of me to start again, though she lay dead these past three years.

Bar door opens and sea shanty spills out. Tune sounds familiar, but wind obscures clear hearing. Bells of Saint Michael's church toll the hour seconds later. Those I can hear fine. I pull fobwatch from pocket. Caleb said last night that Butcher was to meet associate outside this bar one hour ago. Perhaps Caleb's information was wrong.  But these are dark days in Bright City. I cannot afford to abandon post on hunch…

Read the rest of the story at Nevermet Press.

About Matt Delman

Matthew Delman is a writer, editor, and independent Steampunk academic based in Eastern Massachusetts. He is the Chief Editor of Doctor Fantastique's Show of Wonders; Founding Blogger of Free the Princess, a practical literary guide to Steampunk; and the Managing Editor of Steampunk & Company, an imprint of Flying Pen Press, LLC. Matthew also writes travel articles for HelloMetro.com, focusing on destinations in the New England region

-_Q

What are your thoughts on "Dark Days in Bright City"? Let's chat.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, matt delman, nevermet press, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, relationship advice, short story, steampunk

Chains of Victimization

Over the past few months, I've blogged about relationships, both healthy and unhealthy, and on being a victim of abuse. Victimization itself is a fine line. On one hand, victims of abuse must acknowledge that they were indeed victims; i.e. what happened to them was not their fault, not their shame.

On the other hand, victims of abuse must be very careful not to internalize victimization; i.e. make it part of one's identity, as in "I am a victim of abuse."

See what I mean by a fine line?

Victimization is something that was done to you, it is not who you are, and we must never lose sight of this very fine, but important, line. Acknowledging victimization by another person can be paramount in healing oneself, knowing that what happened to you was not your fault. You did not choose to be assaulted, deceived, abandoned, etc. These actions were, for the most part (if not completely), beyond your control. However, moving forward is very much within your control, especially as you get further along in the grieving process. Because, as I learned from Tony Robbins when I was all of 25, if you are not in control of your life, then who is?

Don't allow your abuser to continue the abuse by proxy. Take control. Find your power and take it back. When the images resurface, and they will, let them go. And then let them go again.

For me, the most disturbing images come back right before I go to sleep every night and then just a few moments after I awake each morning. The memories. The what-ifs. The self-blame. The what could've been. The fear of the future.

At first, when these would come at night, I had no defense. The images and memories would run their course until I said, "No." Reset. Repeat. I tried to think of something else, but the next thing I knew I was playing through it again, and I'd say, "No!" Reset. Repeat. Ad nauseam.

Then I discovered that I needed to have a plan, something to occupy my mind while I relaxed enough to fall asleep. Something that would actively keep my mind busy and keep the offensive and painful memories at bay. That's when I started drawing the room. Sounds silly, but it works. I draw a picture of the room in my head, every angle and plane. Every picture. Every trinket on every surface. I remember the room until I sleep.

As for the mornings, not even a cup of coffee can get me going faster than wanting to avoid another round of "what could've been." A few moments after I wake, there they are. Getting up and getting on with the day–making coffee, checking email, writing, working, walking, reading, whatever–keeps them away most of the day. If they sneak in, they never stay for long anymore.

In the immortal words of the Eagles:

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains

And we never even know we have the key.

You cannot rush yourself through the grieving process, but just ensure you aren't lingering there either. There will be relapses, no doubt. Sometimes for years, but once it's over, find your power again. Then find your power again. Then, find your power again.

As a dear friend told me: "Be present and open to love and goodness. Let the rest fall away." By holding onto pain and past hurts makes you miss out on the goodness and love of today.

These songs help:

F. O. D. – Green Day
Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects
Narcissus – Alanis Morrisette
I Want You To Know – Alanis Morrisette
Already Gone – Eagles
Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady – Helen Reddy
I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor (or Cake's awesome remake)
Now That It's Over – Everclear
Irreplaceable – Beyonce

These links all take you to YouTube, but you can get them on Amazon MP3 here, too. Or, of course, on iTunes. xo
-_Q
What are some other songs that help you regain your power?

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: abuse, author, broken heart, healing, heartbroken, infidelity, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, shattered, victim

Steampunk Spotlight: Master "Bones" Jangle

Master "Bones" Jangle & The Voodoo Island Cannibals put on quite a show. I had the great pleasure of seeing them perform at Aetherfest, Texas's first Steampunk Convention, last month.

(Taken from their website)

Found stranded, stark naked and painted like a skeleton on a lonely beach at the bottom of a cliff off the coast of Africa by the crew of The Pride of Bedlam. "Bones" is a Shantyman by trade, however the position of Surgeon was the only one available so he accepted and took on his new duties with incredible enthusiasm and although the ship occasionally runs low on crew members there never seems to be a shortage of meat. From his travels in Africa, of which he speaks elusively, "Bones" claims to have been trained in the arts of Voodoo, Shamanism and Witchdoctoring and has developed several recipes for meat that will leave one drooling and begging for more.

"Bones," on top of being an excellent performer and musician, is a really great guy. Genuine and kind, it was a true pleasure to make his acquaintance, and I look forward to seeing him and his band at many future events. He and Celeste, band mate and now fiance, are planning to get married aboard a pirate ship, and they're currently in search of the perfect location. If you know of suitable craft, please contact them and let them know.

Connect with Master "Bones" Jangle on Facebook and visit their website for more information and samples of their music (played automatically). Please also "Like" the band's Facebook page.

Below is a video of "Bones" performing acoustically at A-Kon 21 during a panel, so you can get an idea of their awesome sound. Their normal stage set is much more elaborate.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, convention, master bones jangle, music, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk

Steampunk Short Story: Maker of Flight

In celebration of Short Story Month 2011, today I bring you "Maker of Flight" by Richard Thomas, the winner of the "Enter the World of Filaria" contest at ChiZine.

ISAAC, L1

Moist air clung to his skin as he hunched over the workbench, goggles tight. Isaac held the little bird down with his gnarled hands, the incessant chirping pinging his ears.

"Schit schtill, wouldja," he said, as his mouth clenched shut, rotten gums pressed together tightly where teeth used to be. "Thish ish for your own good."

A flurry of blue wings batted at his knuckles, panic stretching the tiny bird's eyes wide, as Isaac poked around its backside with the silver screwdriver. Finding the latch, he inserted the tip into the screw and the cavity flew open, spilling sprockets and gears onto the scarred wooden surface. Quiet filled the room as he placed the still bird down. Wiping his brow and the top of his bald head, the candlelight bounced off the walls. Silence. Stretching his back, shoulders raised, he took a deep breath. Hacking out a deep, rattling cough he spat into a dirty handkerchief and stuffed it into his pocket. His dusty dungarees were more stain than fabric. The floor was lined with metal parts lurking in the shadows. Sheet metal and iron beams, mesh wire and rebar. Rust and mold drifted to his flat, wide nose, his sinuses raw from the turpentine and ether.

Read the rest of "Maker of Flight" over at ChiZine.

Richard Thomas was the winner of the 2009 "Enter the World of Filaria" contest at ChiZine. He is the author of the neo-noir thriller Transubstantiate. He has published dozens of stories online and in print, including the Shivers VI anthology (Cemetery Dance) with Stephen King and Peter Straub, Murky Depths, PANK, Pear Noir!, Word Riot, 3:AM Magazine, Dogmatika, Vain> and Opium. Visit http://www.transubstantiate.net or http://www.whatdoesnotkillme.com for more information. He also writes book reviews for The Nervous Breakdown.

Connect with Richard Thomas on Twitter & Facebook. Find more short stories on his blog.

-_Q

What are your thoughts on "Maker of Flight"? Let's chat.

Plus, don't forget, I have several short stories available to read (or listen to) for free as well.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, maker of flight, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, richard thomas, short story, steampunk, the nervous breakdown

Breaking the Betrayal Bond

Betrayal Bond. Trauma Bond. Stockhom Syndrome. These terms all describe the same thing: a deep, inexplicable bond with someone who has hurt you.

Perhaps the word "hurt" is an understatement.

This phenomenon is caused when a victim of abuse feels a strong bond to their abuser. These victims develop compassion and loyalty to their abusers, whether that abuse be physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, or a combination thereof. They tend to see the lack of abuse or periods between abuse as kindness, as proof of their abuser's humanity.

A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense relationship/bond with the perpetrator. (ptsdme blog)

Trying to understand why you were betrayed can most certainly be an exercise in futility. I'm always trying to figure out why. Why do I feel so sick constantly? Why am I having these panic attacks? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why didn't he still want to be friends? etc. etc. etc.

Ultimately, why doesn't matter. What is…is. This is your reality now. This is where we must practice acceptance and just let go of the reason "why." I know that we feel that if we could just know our abusers' motives or thoughts or reasons, we might be able to understand the betrayal, after all we are nurturing, compassionate people. But we wouldn't understand, because there is no excuse or valid explanation for abuse, for deception, for betrayal. Ever.

The moment of betrayal is the worst, the moment when you know beyond any doubt that you've been betrayed: that some other human being has wished you that much evil. (Atwood)

In fact, it's traumatic. The betrayal of a friendship or a lover (or worse, both) is highly traumatic, and your body (and mind) will likely respond as if you have been traumatized. Because you have been traumatized. The level of the abuse related to the impact of the abuse varies from person to person, as we all have different capacities for dealing with stress, anxiety, and pain.

As to what betrayal does to a relationship, and ultimately, a person, it's a constant war between illusion and reality, between believing in love and explaining away lies. There are those people who excel at causing this type of betrayal and bond, especially (but not limited to) those who have NPD, HPD, or other such psychopathic disorders which are characterized by a lack of empathy hidden behind a very believable mask.

The path to betrayal looks something like this:

Validation: The victimizer validated the promise in some way so that you believed things are actually the way they were presented. [Regains confidence]

First betrayal: The real intention becomes clear in early abuse or exploitation. What really happened[.]

Reseduction: The victimizer adds an explanation to the story so that the abuse is understandable. [New promise or explanation]

More betrayal: The abuse and exploitation continue in a number of forms. [Now you examine your own sanity, value, and costs for having stayed.]

Reframing: The victimizer interpreted costs to you as minimal and reframed them as necessary for the good of the relationship.

Life crisis: Ultimately, reality asserts itself and you realize you can go no further. (Carnes)

Yet the bond remains even after the relationship is severed.

According to Carnes, "there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. . . . a little truth with just the right spin." The rest was exploitation and a harsh form of abandonment, which he connects to the core of addictions and shame. It is worse than neglect, being purposeful, in my case even intentionally cruel. And "if severe enough, it is traumatic," he concludes, creating "a mind numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you," leading to self-distrust and self-abandonment. (ptsdme blog)

People who are caught up in this type of bond experience symptoms similar to PTSD like nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. Even before the relationship is over, your body might know before you do. For the first time in my life, I was thrown into daily panic attacks, and I couldn't understand why. Looking back, and after a lot of research, this is common to those victimized by Narcissists. People who have had no history of an anxiety disorder or panic attacks suddenly are finding themselves popping Xanax just to make it through the day. Constant nausea. Inability to eat. Weight loss.

The body knows. It has encountered a poison, and it's trying to purge. It's thrown into a survival fight or flight mode, and it remains there day after day. It's exhausting.

But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing–convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. This attachment causes you to distrust your own judgement, distort your own realities and place yoruself at even greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yoruself against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. This attachment to the person that betrayed you has a name–they are called betrayal bonds. (Carnes)

And of pain, or the remnants of the pain, the fading scars that never seem to go away…

But who can remember pain, once it's over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. (Atwood)

As for the unending circular questions, try these on:

Why would you want to be friends? Why would you go back into a situation of abuse?

But those questions, as logical as they are, don't have answers yet because the betrayal bond is not broken. Some part of you is still empathizing with the abuser, rationalizing his/her behavior, wondering if it's something that you had done wrong.

As Carnes says, "You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond. Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will putt you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain."

-_Q

If you think you might be still trapped under a betrayal bond, here is an online assessment from Dr. Carnes's website. I wish there was a step-by-step method I could give you on how to break these bonds, but it will likely be a lot of work to break the bond and end the pattern. The first step to healing, of course, is to identify the root problem. I have known "decording" and "soul retrieval" to work for some people, if you have a more alternative spiritual outlook. The latter has worked for me in the past. If your beliefs tend toward the conservative and "traditional" medicine end, psychotherapy and time may not be enough. Please look into Carnes's book for help.

-_Q

Atwood, Margaret. The Handmaid's Tale: A Novel.

Carnes, Patrick J. PhD. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

Find samples of each on Google Books (Carnes) (Atwood).

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: abuse, author, broken heart, healing, heartbroken, infidelity, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Steampunk Spotlight: Steampunk World's Fair

[image error]The second annual Steampunk World's Fair (#SPWF) takes place this weekend in Somerset New Jersey. I'm so very excited that I've been invited as a guest this year. After counting down for weeks, it's finally here! I fly to NJ on Thursday, and I'll be in attendance from the opening ceremonies on Friday until the final remarks on Sunday.

In fact, I've been nominated for the honor of MUSE of the FAIR. Please vote for me on the #SPWF website. The ballot is on the right sidebar, and they do require a very quick registration to ensure no double voting. Thank you so much for your support.

Additionally, I will be escorting the marvelous Captain Cedric Whittaker of the Airship Isabella to be knighted by Queen Victoria at the "Knights of Steampunk" ceremony.My complete schedule is as follows:

Friday:

1pm Main Stage: Opening Ceremonies (MUSE of the FAIR announced)
6-7pm Courtyard Stage: Knights of Steampunk Knighting Ceremony, escorting Capt. Whittaker
8-11pm Main Stage: The Big Brass Ball (Formal Dance)

Saturday:


10-11am Concierge Lounge: Mixing Genres in Steampunk (Panel)
2-4pm Fuzions Restaurant: The Mad Tea Party (READING at 2:45)
4:30-5:30pm Concierge Lounge: Book Signing with Authors of the SPWF
8:30-9:30pm Coolidge Room: Podcasting for Steampunk (Panel)
11pm-2am Ballroom: The Big Brass Ball II (Dance Party) with DJ Doctor Q!

Sunday:


10-11am Roosevelt Room: Between Castle & Sucker Punch, Emergence of Steampunk into Mainstream Media (Panel)
1-2pm Coolidge Room: Social Media, Steampunk's New Platform (Panel)
6-7pm Main Stage: Closing Ceremonies

You can find a complete schedule of events here. Follow the #SPWF hashtag on Twitter to get real-time updates and pictures! I know I'll be sending them all weekend.

If you will be in attendance, please stop me and say hello. I love to meet readers. Perhaps we can even grab a spot of tea!

Copies of Avalon Revisited and the chapbook Caught in the Cogs, Vol. 1 will be available at the event through PH Factor's Goggle Shop. I should also have a few copies with me, so just ask. Same for signing, you can wait until the formal signing event or just stop me and say hello. I will have my special Sonic Screwdriver pen with me to sign your book.

In addition to select members of the Airship Isabella, other fine authors and artisans will be in attendance:

Tee Morris & Pip Ballentine, Phoenix Rising: A Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences Novel. They'll be celebrating the release of their first novel with a special Ministry Tea Party at 3:30pm on Saturday. Tea, Biscuits, and a reading!
Leanna Renee Hieber,  Strangely Beautiful  Series. She'll be celebrating the release of her latest book The Perilous Prophecy of Guard and Goddess. SAT 5:30pm reading.
DJ Doctor Q will be spinning away at the Dance Party.
PH Factor & his fine goggles
The lovely ladies of Frenzy Universe
The Emperor of the Red Fork Empire
Mr. Saturday & Sixpence
Cracked Monocle

…and so many more!

Please don't forget to vote O. M. Grey for MUSE of the FAIR!

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, author visit, avalon, book, bustles, convention, corsets, cosplay, goggles, gothic, muse of the fair, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, relationship advice, romance, steampunk, steampunk worlds fair, vampires, victorian