O.M. Grey's Blog, page 40

Hardening

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." ~Tom Stoppard. Rozencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: broken heart, heartbreak, life, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self (Podcast)

Episode 12: Rebuilding Your Sense of Self.

It is very important, as you work through the stage of grief after a failed (and especially an abusive) relationship to rebuild your self-esteem, even though we may feel shattered at the loss of a love or a betrayal.

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Those Three Little Words

I love you.

Simple enough, really. So why are they so hard to say for some people?

I love you.

See? Now you try it.

Hearing those words can make someone's day. It can make their entire week! Feeling loved is essential for most people, but so many people go on feeling quite unloved. And it saddens me greatly.

Those words are not at all hard for me to say, under most circumstances. My husband and I say them to each other multiple times every day.

I say it to my mother every time I talk to her. I tell my dear friends often, too.

Expressing love can be as liberating as feeling it or hearing it yourself. Some people claim that it loses some importance if you say it too much, but to that I say Balderdash.

Love needs to be expressed, in whatever form it takes in your life.

But at the beginning of a new relationship, especially, these are three very loaded words. Say them too soon, and your lover might be scared away, especially if they have intimacy issues. It's a tricky time, new relationships. One full of doubts and hopes and second-guesses and fears. As to when it's the right time to express your love? Unfortunately, there are so many factors there, it's impossible to advise.

For me and my primary relationship, we were talking about marriage at the end of the first month. And here we are 12 years later still very happy and very much in love. For others, that would be too soon. For most, I'd wager. However, the older you are and the more relationships you've had, you start to learn when something is real and when it's not. As you get older, it becomes quite clear very early on as to whether or not it will work for the long haul, just because of experience.

By that time, you know yourself better, hopefully, and you know what you need and what you can give. You know what it feels like to have your heart broken. And, just as importantly, you know you will recover. You know you will survived the crippling pain that comes with heartbreak because you have survived it before. Even though you may feel like you don't want to survive it, while experiencing it, you do. And then, once the grief has passed, you can be thankful that there was love, even if it ended.

Outside of new relationships, you should probably be telling your SO at least once every day that you love them & cherish them. Tell your mother & father. Tell your children. Tell your siblings, your friends, your dogs. So say it with me now.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Three little words that hold so very much importance.

Say them freely.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Love at First Sight (Podcast)

Episode 11: Love at First Sight.

Do you believe in Love at First Sight?

Love at First Sight (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Lonely in London

The past few days have been glorious. I got to spend time in the company of two lovely men who helped me feel a little less lonely.

I'm a fairly solitary person. When at home, I spend most days alone in my office working, as my husband is at work or even if he's home is puttering away on one of his many projects. I work online. Marketing. Blogging. Networking. Scheduling. Podcasting…when I'm not writing, which is also done home alone. The bulk of my social interactions consists of people met at fantasy conventions across the US and people I chat with on Twitter and/or Facebook. Because how do adults meet new people? My sister has a close circle of friends from her husband's work, parents of her children's classmates, and those who attend her church.

We don't have kids,

We're self employed.

We don't go to church.

It makes for a fairly lonely existence.

As you've read, I planned this 7-week sojourn to Europe to recharge and write a book, but circumstances beyond my control threw a wrench into those plans. So. One adapts. Introspection continues. Loneliness prevails.

That is until a few days ago. I had put an ad up on Craigslist to find a new friend who was also brokenhearted, so that we could keep each other company. And find a new friend I did! He's delightful and kind, and we have a nice connection. After chatting online, we met for a walk along the South Bank and walked over the Tower Bridge together a few evenings ago. We both were quite grateful for the company, and we shared intimate details of our lives and heartache. It was very healing, and it was one of the best evenings of my life. We enjoyed it so much that we saw each other again last evening and continued getting to know each other, talking and sharing for hours. We get on quite well, and I think I've found a lifelong, intimate friend and confidant in him. However, he has a life and a job here in London, so he's unable to entertain me as much as I'd like. Fortunately I'll get to see him again a few times before my departure in three more weeks.

In between these lovely two evenings, I had the great pleasure of traversing London (6 hrs of walking & laughing & sharing & discovering the wonders of this great city together) with a Twitter friend who is also in a similar situation of heartbreak. And that day was magnificent. We, too, got on quite well. We saw the Doctor Who Experience together and reverted into geekalicious kids in our shared glee around actually be IN the Tardis and coming face to face with Daleks. Exterminate! It was a truly splendid day all around and very hard to say goodbye. Another lifelong friend made!

Which brings us to today, the day before I'll be waiting for an important phone call from my beloved…one which I'm not sure will come. It's going to be a long day tomorrow. For tomorrow ends the four weeks of silence meant to give us both enough space to sort ourselves out. And I hope with all my heart that the silence will end tomorrow. To keep busy today, I explored London again, walking for six more hours and taking in the sights of whatever crossed my path, this time alone. It's not as much fun alone.

I beheld remnants of history in the Victoria & Albert Museum.

I shopped in Knightsbridge and bought a special gift for my husband.

I walked beneath the Marble Arch and gazed at Buckingham Palace.

I wandered through St. James Park and watched the ducks.

I walked past my favorite clock tower and listened to Big Ben chime, and I'm determined to be kissed beneath that tower before I leave. De.ter.mined.

I thought a lot.

I cried a little.

I missed my new friends and my husband and my beloved.

Walking hand in hand with a kind, compassionate man along the south bank is much better than visiting a museum alone.

Laughing with a friend, even though your feet ache from walking six hours, is better than a solitary walk through beautiful gardens.

Company is good. Laughter is good. Sharing is good. Cuddles are good.

And I have a new appreciation of the word good. It's a good word.

I'm a grateful person, and I like to acknowledge that gratitude. Thank you new friends for sharing your time and lives and insight with me. I cherish the time we spent together, and I look forward to when I can see you each again.

Thank you, my husband and my world, for loving me for who I am, for allowing me to explore and experiment and live and love.

Thank you, my beloved, for the time and love you shared with me.

Please break this silence. Don't leave me Lonely in London for another day.

-_Q

P.S. The bright side of 12+ hours of walking is that I can eat my entire box of Godiva Dark Chocolate without feeling guilty!

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, england, heart broken, heartbreak, honesty, London, lonely, love intimacy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, polyamory, postaweek2011, travel, uk

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Last week someone tweeted this image, and my demented mind made a connection. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs certainly wasn't new to me, Psych 101, but I looked at it with new understanding. Suddenly the question as to why good people cheat was answered for me. The basic concept behind this famous pyramid is that unless the Basic Physiological needs are met, one cannot proceed to the Safety needs. If no Safety, then they cannot proceed to the Love/Belonging, and so it goes up the pyramid.

As I've said many times before, there is a better way than lies and deception, but it's becoming increasingly clear to me that most people just don't have that level of honesty (with themselves) or courage. They don't have the communication skills it takes to build true intimacy. In a society where infidelity is the norm and not at all surprising, yet still looked down on and judged, this little pyramid explained some things to me.

Deception and infidelity are a question of morality. Look at where morality is on the pyramid. It's at the top with other forms of self-actualization. Sex, a need as basic as food, water, and breathing, is at the bottom.

So if sexual needs aren't being met, morality doesn't even enter into the equation. In many long term relationships, sex falls by the wayside. It goes from several times a day to several times a week to once or twice a month to months without physical intimacy. And even if there is sex under a feeling of duty or obligation between a couple who have grown apart, in many cases, the need for sexual intimacy, on the third tier of Love/Belonging, is still left wanting.

When people find themselves in this situation, they do whatever they can to fulfill this need. Of course the best course of action is to turn to one's partner and talk about the lacking need and the importance of rebuilding intimacy, but sadly, fear of abandonment and/or fear of hurting your SO by seeming to suggest that s/he isn't fulfilling your needs, keeps far too many from trying to bridge that ever-growing gap.

With these basic needs not being met, when someone outside the relationship offers to fill this need, even though one's morality or values might protest, the more basic need, either of sex or sexual intimacy trumps any form of self-actualization or esteem. After having an affair and getting the more basic need momentarily met, one is flooded with feelings of guilt, questioning one's self-esteem, and judging oneself by violating one's own moral code. Because once that the need for intimacy has been momentarily met, the top two tiers come back into play.

There are, of course, serial cheaters, predators, and narcissists who don't care about the others involved whatsoever, but I'm talking about otherwise good people here.

Again, as I've pleaded so many times before, talk to your spouse or SO before you step out. Rebuild that intimacy from the inside, if you want to save your relationship. If you don't, then find the courage to end it, freeing you both up to find more suitable mates.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: author, broken heart, grief, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Mind the Gap…in Service

After leaving Cabourg in Normandy where my transportation was limited and dependent on my friend, I was really looking forward to being alone in London where I could continue my work of regaining my balance and be able to get around on my own.

FAT CHANCE.

Well, I exaggerate. I can get around here, but it is an exercise in frustration. In Texas, one drives everywhere. In Paris, the Metro is seamless and convenient, unless you want to travel after 1am. In London…O.M.G!

It started Friday when I arrived in Portsmouth on the Brittany Ferry from Normandy. The fast one, so it only took four hours. Four hours of screaming, sea sick kids, turns out. So I ended up sitting out on the back open-air deck on the concrete floor where the sound of the motors propelling through the Channel drowned out everything else but Beethoven in my ears. Yep. $150 ticket to sit on the floor.

When planning my trip back to the UK online, I had a choice between catching a train to a London from the Portsmouth Station or the Portsmouth Harbor Station. Since I was coming in by boat, I figured that Portsmouth Harbor was the closest. Logical, right? After all, I didn't want to take an expensive taxi. Surely I'd be able to walk there…wrong.

There was a bus, though, and thankfully, I had given myself an hour after the boat arrived and before the train left.

It. was. the. furthest. station from the ferry. The bus arrived with barely five minutes to spare,but it did arrive! So I was on the train to London Waterloo, and all my transportation issues would be at an end! Once in my beloved London, I'd take the tube from Waterloo, change once, and then just a few blocks carrying my bags to my hotel. Right?

HA!

After walking for.ev.er underground to catch the Northern line, I took my bags off my aching back and waited for the change to the Circle line just one stop later at Embankment. Not much time to rest, but I was almost there. Got to Embankment and walked for.ev.er underground to the Circle line only to see upon arrival at the platform that the Circle and District lines were out of service after Kensington High Street until August 23. But, of course they were.

So I got off at Kensington High Street with all my bags and went topside, trying to see if I could figure out the bus line. But after walking a block, and seeing a very cool Whole Foods there, I decided…fuck it. I'm getting a cab. And it wasn't insane, either, just £6.10.

Check into my hotel and found that my closet back home was bigger than my room. So not kidding. This room is even smaller than the one in Brighton had been. But, such is basic lodging in Europe. Not terribly surprising. And for what I paid for this closet, I could've been in a four star hotel in the states. Yep. My money is very, very quickly disappearing, and I'm not quite sure how to get more cash. Gotta figure that out soon.

I did catch a break, though. Since my hovel is just beneath the office, the WiFi bleeds through! Yippee!

The following day I was to meet a friend at Camden Town for lunch and shopping. I walk down to the nearest tube that is working, Notting Hill Gate, and head East planning to switch to the Northern line at Tottenham Court Road. I was on my way.

Um. You should really know better by now, Olivia.

At Oxford Circus, the station right before Tottenham Court, there was an announcement to remind passengers that there was no exchange for the Northern line at Tottenham Court Road! But, of course there wasn't. I got off the tube at Oxford Circus, passed several more signs saying that both the Bakerloo and Victoria lines were closed, and decided that I was going to embrace uncertainty and just see where the universe led me.

I walked around and saw this glorious Tudor building called Liberty and a huge Apple store, where I pilfered their WiFi to shoot off a tweet or two, before wandering into Carnaby Street. Cool shops and street musicians. I saw the most awesome shoes EVER, but didn't have the courage to ask the price. I ended up at the Shakespeare Pub and enjoyed a PIMMS and some bread. While writing this post, a man asked if he could sit with me. Hungry for company of any kind, I said sure. He was hilarious. A self proclaimed "stupid, fucked up [perfectly delightful] old queen." and he was fucked up, too. But then aren't we all. He asked what I was doing in London, and I told him I was supposed to be writing a book, but I was unable to create much after the my lover had ended things the day before I left. To which he responded, "Honey! Is that all? My ex committed suicide on my birthday two years ago." From there we were best friends for the next 45 minutes, telling each other our life stories and fucked up issues. So here's to you, Robert the Queen, you're fucking awesome. Thank you for brightening my day. X

I figured out the bus system enough to make my way to CamdenTown, which was wall to wall people on a Saturday afternoon in July, so my friend and I just looked at a few shops and found a pizza place in a quieter place and had a nice afternoon. there was the COOLEST Steampunk shop in Camden Town, though. And as soon as I take a second mortgage out on my house, I'm heading back!

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, London, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, relationships, transportation, travel, tube

Love, Crèpes, & Self-Respect

As I sit here at a café on my last morning in Normandy enjoying a crèpe chocolat and deca au lait, I reflect on what I've learned over the past three weeks of silence. With only a week to go on the break in communication I requested with my beloved, both for his sake and my own, I'm getting ready to travel back to England five days earlier than originally planned.

Why am I returning early? Because I needed to. For me. I needed to take care of myself–learn to enjoy my own company again–instead of being a guest in someone else's home. I've survived this heartbreak through the kindness and patience of friends. But now it's my turn.

Taking care of my own needs first, for a damn change.

Along with my uncanny ability to give and receive love comes a deep capacity for empathy. Far too often I put the needs and feelings of those I love before my own. Friends and lovers, alike. It ultimately and always hurts me. Yet I tell myself that I would rather take on their pain than for them to feel it…because I love them. But when I take on their pain, I don't take it away from them. Instead, we both hurt.

Relationships do require selflessness and sacrifice and compromise at times. No doubt. And, granted, one does not give in order to receive, by no means. However, if one gives and gives and gives of oneself with little or no reciprocity, one damages oneself as well as one's relationship.

My clothes hang loosely on my body, as I've lost even more weight in my grief, but I'm okay. I always did have trouble losing weight, so it's not that bad, albeit not all that healthy. Still, it enabled me to enjoy a few more delicious pain au chocolats and lots of cheese without worrying about my thighs too much. I even got a strawberry tart!

Do I still grieve the loss of a love?

Yes and no.

Yes, because the feeling of betrayal cuts deep. A betrayal of trust. A betrayal of the heart. Knowing I meant too little for him to try, to not give up.

No, because I have not given up. I still hold love in my heart. Now coming from a place of love and understanding, rather than a place of fear and anxiety, I can see that he felt trapped in the complexity of his life and our growing love somehow exacerbated that in his mind. He likely felt that cutting off his love would help ease some of his stress. I hope that after this time apart, he will feel more relaxed and at peace. Where he, too, can view the situation from a place of love and understanding, rather than a place of fear and anxiety.

Do I still love him?

Deeply.

Dearly.

But not desperately.

Do I need him in my life? No.

Do I want him in my life? Very much so.

I've learned so much in the past three weeks, mostly about myself. No doubt there is much more to learn from the safety of this last week of silence. And even more in my remaining four weeks in England, away from my main support back home. And, of course, even more as life continues on thereafter.

Where my beloved and I go after the end of this week is yet to be seen.

But I've learned that although it feels wonderful to be desired and loved and cherished, self-respect feels even better.

I deserve respect.

I deserve reciprocity.

I deserve honesty.

I deserve integrity.

I deserve accountability.

From him, of course. From others, sure. But mostly from myself.

And now. I demand it.

Perhaps the greatest thing I've learned is that although I may be forced to let go of the love he feels for me, I do not have to let go of the love I feel for him.

I do not have to deny it.

I do not have to hide it.

I do not have to stifle it.

I do not have to smother it painfully into oblivion.

I feel love, and it feels wonderful.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: broken heart, existential thought, existentialism, france, grief, heartbroken, honest, introspection, loss, love, normandy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, philosophy, polyamory, postaweek2011, respect, self-respect, sex, travel

Pathological Passion (Podcast)

Episode 10: Pathological Passion.

The root word for passion is the greek pathos, meaning "to suffer." Same as the root word for pathological. I talk a bit about how passion might cloud our judgement and how to tell if someone is really into you or if they're likely lying.

Pathological Passion (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Long Distance Love

Balderdash.

Yep. That's my favorite word when people tell me relationships can't work for one reason or another.

Balderdash.

I've had many people tell me that relationships can't work over a long distance, across state lines and especially cross-continental.

Balderdash.

Outside of abuse, there is one primary reason relationships don't work: one or both people give up. Sure, after giving a relationship a good go over months or years, there might be too many issues for the relationship to be beneficial for either party, but it still comes down to one or the other (or both) giving up. As long as you're talking and building intimacy and loving one another, most things can be overcome.

I'm not saying it's not a lot of work because it is. All relationships are. As great as Disney is for building dreams, it has done the most damage by perpetuating this myth of "Happily Ever After." As if once the courting and wooing is done and two people take the plunge, everything is smooth sailing.

Truth is, this is when the real work begins.

Still, this post is about long distance relationships and how they can work. In the short time I've been traveling in Europe, I've met two people who are successfully maintaining cross-continental long term relationships. One for three years, the other for over seven.

Is it hard? Yes.

Do they have all the issues of geographically close relationships and then some? Yes.

Is it worth it? Fuck yes.

Why? Because of love. Yes, yes. I'm a hopeless romantic romance author. I know, so sue me. Love is still so fucking worth it. And if you disagree, then you've never been in love or you've allowed yourself to be hardened by heartbreak and no longer see the wonder of love.

Love is worth it.

Why? Because it happens so rarely. As any of my readers know, I don't give up on love easily. Not by a long shot. I'm 41 years old, and I've been in love five times in my life. Just five times. I've dated more and slept with even more, but love? Just five times. Three of those ended, two very badly and the other one faded into a platonic love. The remaining two…one I'm fortunate enough for it to be a life-long love I was lucky enough to find with my husband. The other remains to be seen, but I hope it is life-long, too, albeit in a different, unique way that is defined and worked out between the two of us. As any couplehood should, we define our own relationship and don't allow society to dictate the way it's "supposed to be."

It hit me while I was in Paris. I was surrounded by hundreds of men at any given moment on the streets of the city or on The Metro. Hundreds, maybe thousands. Same goes for all of life. I encounter dozens of men at conventions and on tour, but they come and they go without a second thought. Without a second look. Some become friends, but most are passing acquaintences or even just remain strangers.

And I asked myself what is the difference? Why my beloved and not one of these dozens of other men? I suppose if I could answer that I would hold the secret to love, but I do know this: a deep connection with another human being is precious if for no other reason that it is so rare.

Sure, there is sex. One friend I spoke with has had sex with over 300 girls, but sex is not love, although the best sex is definitely through love. Of those 300+ girls, he's been in love four times. He's just three years younger than me.

So. Very. Fucking. Rare.

So if the person you've connected with lives on the other side of the world, don't give up because it's challenging. Sure the girl next door or the boy at work might be more geographically available, but why force something that is not there? Especially today when one does not have to pine away, waiting a month for a letter to be delivered. There is email and social networks and instant messaging. And while these can be good for touching base throughout the day, real communication and intimacy needs to be built and/or maintained on a more personal level. Thank goodness for Skype's video chatting, Rebtel, and unlimited international phone plans.

Through these modern technologies, one can stay in better touch with one's beloved in an affordable way. My one friend, who has maintained a long distance relationship for over seven years, calls his girlfriend every night. They even watch movies together, starting them in synch and sharing their thoughts with the other.

Then there is cyber sex and phone sex to help remain sexually connected. Whereas neither can compare to actually being in your lover's arms and feeling their lips on yours, it is certainly better than nothing. And phone sex can be quite hot and satisfying. In fact, phone sex with your lover is far superior than real sex with relative stranger, or even with someone with whom you are not in love.

Depending on the parameters of your relationship, for example if it's a primary or secondary one or if there are time constraints, such intimate interactions (emotionally or sexually) need not be every day or even every week. But having something to look forward to is essential. Ultimately, this will be seeing one another again, as nothing could be more wonderful than looking into the eyes of your lover, but in the mean time just look forward to the next email or the next phone call. It's important to plan these and stick to the plan so the other is not just waiting around, sitting by the phone, as it were.

Little surprises are also nice, however. And in any relationship it's the little things that make love grow and help one feel special and loved. A quick text or message just to say you're thinking about them. An MP3 recording of your voice telling them about your day. A short video professing your love or hopes or dreams. A link to a romantic picture or YouTube video. These types of things take mere moments but can mean the world to your lover.

And don't dismiss the hidden bonus of a long distance relationship, that ever elusive mystery and initial excitement of a new lover lasts much longer if you let it. Where the newness of a relationship with someone you spend every day might last a few weeks or months, with your long distance lover, that mounting passion and wonder can last a year or more.

So, yes. When love touches you, don't dismiss it because it's hard. It's all hard, but what in this life worth anything isn't?

Embrace it. Find a way to make it work, and enjoy being in love.

It's so fucking worth it.

I'll leave you with two powerful quotes, both from Thoreau.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

"Most men live lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

Don't be one of them. Sing!

Sing your love loudly.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: europe, love, marriage, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex