O.M. Grey's Blog, page 39

Anger Hurts

Last week I did something quite out of character in an attempt to stand up for myself and regain some self-respect after a very difficult summer of loss. I sent an angry email to the man who caused the heartbreak.

Anger is a stage of grief, and I've been feeling quite a lot of it lately. I suppose that's good because acceptance isn't too far behind. But it's not good when it hurts someone you love, and anger almost always hurts. In my pain, I reached out to my beloved to express myself and ask for some respect. We were trying to be friends, which is almost impossible after a love affair, but we were trying just the same, and it was going rather well for the most part.

Early on, he had said that he was determined to make it work between us, and so was I.

That is until last week.

My angry words hurt him and killed his desire to try any longer.

Up until this email, I had treated him and this entire fucked up situation with loving understanding and unending patience to the point of my own detriment. I had refrained from demonizing him just to get through the pain and grief cycle faster. But recently I've begun to feel quite used, tossed aside, walked on, and so the anger came.

Although I don't regret saying much of what I said, because it needed to be said for my own sense of self-worth as well as to let him know certain things were not okay, I was unnecessarily harsh and insulting in my anger. In fact, I was abusive in my language, and that I truly regret. There is rarely a time such cruel words are necessary, and I'm ashamed to have used them against someone I love so dearly. I asked for respect but showed little in that email, and for that I am truly sorry.

All I can hope is that he understands that sometimes things that shouldn't be said are said in anger and forgive me. Hopefully his anger will subside and the care we feel for each other beneath this struggle will bring us back into each other's lives, for he is so very dear to me.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: abuse, anger, author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, shattered

Breakup > Suffering Abuse (Podcast)

Episode 15: Breakup > Suffering Abuse.

Too many people in our society devalue sex, and it's unfortunate because, ultimately, sex is a beautiful gift. Get a woman's perspective as to why.

Breakup > Suffering Abuse (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Rites of Passage

It's 6am in Black Rock City as I type this post out on my ziplock-encased iPhone. Covered from head to toe in playa dust and wrapped up in my coat of armor on this cool morning, I'm sitting on the bumper of a dusty trailer near center camp, hoping the wifi will last long enough to upload this post.

The man this year is multicolored. His colors match the beautiful sunrise just behind him. He is frozen in mid-step, stepping from one pyramid tip to another, to signify Rites of Passage, the Burning Man 2011 theme.

Rites of Passage, joyous and sometimes painful life changing events. Life is struggle. Life is ever-changing. Life is joy. Life is pain. Life is love. Life is loss. Life is sorrow. Life is wondrous.

When trapped in the darkness of heartbreak, trying to come to grips with the reality that your beloved gave up on you, that somehow you didn't mean quite enough for them to try, life seems rather bleak. The mornings are the hardest. Facing another day with that truth. Flooded with memories of their kindness, their kiss. Haunted by what could've been. Knowing it could've been so beautiful if they just hadn't given up, especially a budding relationship, where so much was yet undiscovered, unrevealed.

The sounds around me gradually get louder as the city begins to wake up. A red neon Trojan Horse lights the northern end of this magical city that appears, and then disappears, once every year. It, like everything, ends, but the knowledge that it will be here again next year is comforting.

Uncertainty is not. Yet what is life if not uncertain? I look each day, seeking the nearly nonexistent Internet in the middle of this desert to see if there is any sign of integrity, any sign that it wasn't all a lie, any sign that tells me I meant something. That I am not so easily cast aside.

And everyday there is nothing.

Forgive the lack of focus in this post, but focus is something that has been fleeting at best for quite some time now. With some luck, more tears, and a lot of work, I will heal out here in this harsh desert. The sun will burn away my lingering hope. The alkaline dust will absorb the last of my love. And the energy of 50,000 people living and loving freely will repair my fractured soul.

Please send me your healing thoughts, friends. I'm quite weary of crying & lamenting the loss of a man to whom I obviously meant so very little.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: broken heart, grief, healing, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships

The Cost of Love

"Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life."

- Merle Shan

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, shattered

Sex as a Gift (Podcast)

Episode 14: Sex as a Gift.

Too many people in our society devalue sex, and it's unfortunate because, ultimately, sex is a beautiful gift. Get a woman's perspective as to why.

Sex as a Gift (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Human Touch

We need to be touched. There is a special connection with just a simple touch.

I used to work as a massage therapist in California. One thing they taught us while studying to be certified was the need for touch. Some people get Swedish Massage for relaxation, others just to have another human touch them. Nothing sexual or inappropriate, just a caring touch. It's powerful. It's healing. It's essential.

In fact, it's proven long hugs and cuddles, as the English adorably call it, releases Oxytocin, a chemical released in the brain that works with the dopamine reward system, reducing stress and improving mood.

After spending two months in Europe away from my husband, I'm having serious touch withdrawals. We normally touch multiple times a day, as we're very affectionate and loving together, and it's something I think we take for granted, always being there for each other. When we're apart, I certainly feel emptier, somehow. And these past seven weeks have been the loneliest of my life, save the last one thanks to the kindness of friends, both old and new.

Fortunately, for a few evenings at least, I got to spend with another affection man who was also just in need of company and cuddles. And it was healing for us both.

Today I fly back across the Atlantic. Finally. After a trip that was far longer and infinitely more painful that I could have ever imagined, I'm going home. But cuddles with my husband will have to wait a few more days as he's still on the West Coast. But…Burning Man, here we come. With that open, expressive community there in Black Rock City, I hope to get my fill of loving touch and say goodbye to the emptiness and loneliness that has plagued my summer.

Perhaps this is why so many affairs have a tendency to happen on business trips. The loneliness is really just the craving for loving, human touch.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, romance, sex

Finally Renewed

[image error]At the end of six full weeks of loneliness, of doing anything to fill the endless empty hours, of making some of the worst decisions of my life in an attempt to fill the chasmic void left by a cruelly-timed abandonment of love, I finally feel renewed. This trip to my beloved country of England was supposed to do just that, recharge me after an extremely trying year. It was meant to help me find my voice again, so I could write another novel.

But I've hardly written a word, as my mind has been filled with circular questions of why, and what did I do wrong, and if I had only been somehow different, I wouldn't be in this pain. I reached out to strangers, trying to find a friend or a lover or just some company to help me through the lonely, countless hours of heartbreak. But all I found was more cruelty and disrespect. Predators and cowards. Boys pretending to be men and failing miserably. I've learned some harsh lessons on this trip.

No matter how much one may proclaim to be a gentleman, gentlemen do not behave in such a manner. No matter how sweet and kind someone may seem, they often have ulterior motives. Once fulfilled, they become callous and cold. Among others.

Perhaps lessons a 41-year-old woman should have already learned, but my compassionate nature and severe honesty has a tendency to believe people at face value. I'm being truthful, surely they are too, for they have no reason to lie to me. How intensely wrong I've been. Deception, whether self- or towards others, is the unfortunate norm. And nothing hurts like a lie.

Last week at this time, I swore that if I ever saw a Union Jack again, a symbol that has brought me joy for the past 27 years, it would be too soon. I swore I would never return.

But the kindness of two men saved this country for me.

The friendship of two men helped me heal.

One, a friend who was there for me every step of the way from when I was broken in Brighton six long weeks ago until now. His constant support and kindness kept me from turning tail and running home several times. He loaned me strength. He listened to my questions, repetitious and endless, for weeks. I never would've made it through this difficult time without him. He is now my best friend, and I love him dearly.

The other, an intimate friend who showed me that I was worthy on a deeper level. I was worthy of time. I was worthy of company. I was worthy of kindness. I was worthy of respect and reciprocity. I was truly worthy after all, even though I had been treated with such callous cruelty by others. Abandoned. Left. Cast aside.

He showed me that it wasn't because I was unworthy. It was because they were weak. They were cowards. They were liars. They were unworthy of me, not the other way around. He didn't run from my nurturing nature. He wasn't afraid of my emotions. We talked and laughed and complained and questioned and bonded, and I'm everso grateful to have met him.

As I had to say goodbye, he gave me his favorite coat. Just because it suited me. And, on the train back to London, this gentle, kind man texted me a reminder: no one can make you feel bad unless you let them. He suggested that I use the coat as armor to protect myself from future wankers (love that term), and I shall do just that.

So in my last week abroad, I feel renewed and recharged.

Thank you, Mr. Postman. Your gift and your kindness will not be forgotten.

For Queen and country, you saved England for me.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: heart break, heartbroken, infidelity, London, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, polyamory, postaweek2011, sex, travel, uk, wanker

The Strength of Inara (Podcast)

Episode 13: The Strength of Inara.

An exploration of the Firefly character Inara Serra and her inherent strength in the face of impossible love.

The Strength of Inara (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Reuters, Baby!

Today I am thrilled to repost this fabulous article on me from Reuters, courtesy of the lovely Julie Mollins. Please RT, post on your FB wall, and share far and wide! Cheers!

Original Source

Excerpt:

(Reuters) – It's no secret that good storytelling involves characters who are in opposition to generate controversy — but author Christine Rose has taken this a step further by developing an opposing second identity as O.M. Grey.

Grey is author of the sexy, paranormal "Avalon Revisited" steampunk novel about English King Henry VIII's brother Arthur, who is depicted as a vampire. Grey also has a steampunk persona in real life, with a multimedia blog that offers candid advice on romantic and erotic troubles.

The entrepreneurial Rose, however, is the author of "Publishing and Marketing Realities for the Emerging Author," and co-author with husband Ethan Rose of the "Rowan of the Wood" young adult fantasy series, which won the 2009 Indie Excellence Award for Young Adult Fiction.

"I've learned what works and what doesn't," Grey said.

"I'm able to compare that with my other persona, Christine Rose. As Christine Rose I take a more traditional route. I've seen a lot more success with Olivia (O.M. Grey)."

Read the rest of the article here.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: author, Christine rose, Julie mollins, London, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, Reuters, uk

Sharing Your Lifestyle

If you have some sort of unconventional (as defined by society) relationship with your SO/spouse, you might find it difficult to share your philosophy with friends and family, as most people don't understand open relationships and they can be very judgmental when faced with those choices. When I started blogging openly about the topic, I had this very conversation with my husband. Since I'm a very open person, often sharing way too much (definitely have TMI issues), I asked him what we should tell family and friends. His response was simple.

It's none of their business.

He likened it to sharing your favorite sexual positions with your mother. It's just not something you generally talk about. It's private.

This touched on something I've long felt regarding sexual preferences across the board. For example, I could never understand why so many people are hostile toward homosexuals. Why do people spend huge amounts of energy and time preaching against homosexuality? What two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own business. It doesn't affect the lives of these Bible-thumping protesters. It's rather absurd, really.

Now this is not to say one should stay in the proverbial closet, by no means! If anyone understands the need for self-expression and open communication, not to mention the need for validation and acceptance, I do. Nor am I suggesting you should hide it away, necessarily. I'm just saying there is no need to make a grand gesture or announcement that you choose to live an open lifestyle, unless *you* really need to do so.

If you want to be open with friends/family about your lifestyle, expect harsh judgment and high emotions. But don't react to them. Remain calm and tell them that this is a decision you and your spouse/SO came to together. Neither was coerced into the decision, you just feel it's what you both need.

A reason to tell or attempt an explanation is if they see you flirting with others or in the company of others, and you don't want them to misunderstand the situation as infidelity. This is usually when I tell friends, as their opinion means enough to me to clarify that I'm not unfaithful.

If you're finding it difficult to bring up the subject, try citing this blog series to test the waters. A "what do you think about this" scenario, although I can guarantee their response will be "that doesn't work."

Ultimately, your sexual decisions as a consenting adult is your business, your spouse/SO's business, and potential or established satellite lovers' business. No one else's.

Remember, what other people think of you is none of your business. Their thoughts are their own. It's one of the maxims I try to live by.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk