O.M. Grey's Blog, page 43

Steampunk Spotlight: Ay-leen the Peacemaker

Photo by Fox O'Rian

At Aetherfest, then again at the Steampunk World's Fair, I had the great pleasure of meeting Ay-leen the Peacemaker. This remarkable woman runs the blog Beyond Victoriana, which is focused on bringing awareness to the non-Eurocentric areas of Steampunk. After all, England, as widespread as their empire was at the time, was not the only civilization in existence during the 19th century.

From her blog:

Beyond Victoriana is a blog about multicultural steampunk and retro-futurism—that is, steampunk outside of a Western-dominant, Eurocentric framework. All of the steampunkery here focuses on non-Western cultures, underrepresented minorities in Western histories (Asian / Pacific Islander, Middle Eastern, First Nation, Hispanic, black / African), and the cultural intersection between the West and the non-West.



The steampunk here deals with the "little s" definition and leans towards inclusive as opposed to exclusive. Topics featured on this blog will include but is not limited to: history, literature, art & fashion, science & technology. The time range will focus on both the Victorian and Edwardian eras, but also is not limited to them (as with the case of post-apocalyptic steam and steampunk/fantasy genre). This blog is also open to highlighting examples of steampunk from the current community and items that can be considered under the steampunk umbrella.

I love that the current community of Steampunks are moving away from the elitist practice of exclusion. The idea that Steampunk must look a certain way or be set in a certain time/place is preposterous. This is fantasy. It's fun. But it's also a chance to learn some history and turn what was into what should've been or what could still be. Certainly not to turn a blind eye to the racism and oppression of the time (and still too extant in our current time), but to rather acknowledge the flaws while embracing the beauty and diversity of many cultures and lifestyles. All while building a supportive community.

Ay-leen is also the social media manager for Tor.com and is a contributing author of The Steampunk Bible. Enter to win a copy here.

Additionally, Ay-leen is currently raising money to help survivors of the japanese earthquake & tsunami disasters, so go over and donate to Rising Phoenix today. You get some really cool buttons!

Read more about Ay-leen on her blog, Acedemia.edu, and Grasping @ Creativity.

Follow her on Twitter (@writersyndrome).

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, book, contest, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk, victorian

Healing Your Relationship (Podcast)

Episode 4: Healing Your Relationship.

Before you can even think too seriously about talking to your spouse or SO about something as serious as polyamory or other types of non-monagamy, you must first be in a very healthy, honest, and intimate place in your relationship. This podcast gives you some tips on how to start bridging that gap.

Healing your Relationship (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Sex at Dawn

In several of my former posts and podcasts, I've referenced a book called Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. In a word: Brilliant. In ten, it should be required reading for anyone in a relationship.

Seriously.

As my readers know, I'm rather passionate about this subject. Because cultural denial about our inherent sexuality causes far too much pain and heartbreak. It turns otherwise good people into liars. It makes us betray those we love the most, all because we are taught to be ashamed of who we are and what we feel. We are forced, by societal or religious mandates, to betray our very biology as human beings. And it's more than a shame. It's a crime, really.

I first read this book late last year, and thanks to Professor Taboo, who asked me to write a blurb on it for a polyamory site, I re-read it this week. I'm so glad I did. It reminded me just what an important work it is for the happiness and well-being of every single adult on the planet. Yes, I do have a tendency to speak in hyperbole, and I'm the first to admit that I'm a serious drama queen, but I'm not exaggerating this time.

In a society rampant with infidelity, divorce, molestation, abusive relationships and more, this book could save so many couples from becoming another divorce statistic. It could save so many women (and men) from suffering broken hearts. It could stop certain kinds of abuse, and if nothing else, minimize it. All if we could find the courage to accept who we are. Biologically.

Most people in our culture practice something called "serial monogamy," that is, many monogamous relationships over the course of a lifetime, back to back. Or some, far too many, practice non-monogamy in dishonest ways, i.e., affairs, prostitutes, pornography, etc., without their spouse or SO knowing, and certainly without their approval or understanding. From the book:

Serial monogamy stretches before (and behind) many of us like an archipelago of failure: isolated islands of transitory happiness in a cold, dark sea of disappointment. And how many of the couples who manage to stay together for the long haul have done so by resigning themselves to sacrificing their eroticism on the altar of three of life's irreplaceable joys: family stability, companionship, and emotional, if not sexual, intimacy? Are those who innocently aspire to these joys cursed by nature to preside over the slow strangulation of their partner's libido?

The authors continue to describe how "42 percent of American women suffer from sexual dysfunction, while Viagra breaks sales records year after year," and how "pornography is reported to rake in anywhere from fifty-seven billion to a hundred billion dollars annually." How it "generates more revenue than CBS, NBC, and ABC combined and more than all professional football, baseball, and basketball franchises."

I'm a very lucky woman. I'm in touch with my sexuality, and I don't stifle it. I'm even more fortunate because my husband doesn't stifle it either. Nor do I stifle his. We are sexual beings, like all humans, and we recognize that our sexuality and attraction to other people does not jeopardize the love or the life we have built together. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all were free to express our desires and love for others openly without judgment? Without risking our security at home. In fact, for those brave enough to discuss this with their spouse or SO, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Opening one's marriage/relationship usually serves to bring the primary couple closer together, so the love and the security and the intimacy deepen; they don't fade.

But society and religion teach us differently.

The conflict between what we're told we feel and what we really feel may be the richest source of confusion, dissatisfaction, and unnecessary suffering of our time. The answers normally proffered don't answer the questions at the heart of our erotic lives: why are men and women so different in our desires, fantasies, responses, and sexual behavior? Why are we betraying each other at ever increasing rates when not opting out of marriage entirely? Why the pandemic spread of single-parent families? Why does the passion evaporate from so many marriages so quickly? What causes the death of desire?

Using the words of the authors, "We are at war with our eroticism." And that is not hyperbole either. The authors explore origins of human sexuality and make a very strong biological case for non-monogamy. They answer these questions:

Why is long-term sexual fidelity so difficult for so many couples?

Why does sexual passion often fade, even as love deepens?

Why are women potentially multi-orgasmic, while men all too often reach orgasm frustratingly quickly and then lost interest?

Is sexual jealousy an unavoidable, uncontrollable part of human nature?

Can sexual frustration make us sick? How did a lack of orgasms cause one of the most common diseases in history, and how was it treated?

When will we embrace who we are and what we feel? When will we stop denying our most basic needs, sacrificing our libidos for ostensible safety, only to destroy that safety when biology trumps reason?

The authors take this a step further. It is actually unhealthy, both mentally and physically, for men to be monogamous. A lack of sex over time causes a decrease in testosterone, which can lead to profound, life-changing issues that will no doubt have an even greater impact on a relationship than non-monogamy would.

Researchers have found that men with lower levels of testosterone are more than four times as likely to suffer from clinical depression, fatal heart attacks, and cancer when compared to other men their age with higher testosterone levels. They are also more likely to develop Alzheimer's disease and other forms of dementia…

Must they choose between familial love and long-term sexual fulfillment? Most men don't fully appreciate the conflict between the demands of society and those of their own biology until they've been married for years–plenty of time for life to have grown very complicated, with children, joint property, mutual friends, and the sort of love and friendship only history can bring. When they arrive at the crisis point, where domesticity and declining testosterone levels have drained the color from life, what to do?…

1. Lie and try not to get caught…you are going to get caught sooner or later (probably sooner)…

2. Give up on having sex with anyone other than your wife for the rest of your life. Maybe resort to porn and Prozac…sneaking off at night to look at porn on your computer…often leads to serious anger and resentment that can destroy a relationship…

3. Serial monogamy: divorce and start over. This option seems to be the "honest" approach recommended by most experts…Though often presented as the honorable response to the conundrum, the serial monogamy cop-out has led directly to the current epidemic of broken homes and single-parent families…Why does society consider it more moral for you to break up a marriage, go through a divorce, disrupt your children's lives maybe forever, just to be able to fuck someone with whom the fucking is going to get just as boring as it was with the first person before long?

How absurd is it that we are forced between giving up our lives and families or denying our biological imperative. It would be like saying, "You can either eat or stay married. You can't have both." It's literally that irrational. And this doesn't just apply to men. The authors cover the suppression of female sexuality over the centuries and how that has affected women. Sexual frustration causes "anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability, nervousness, erotic fantasy, sensations of heaviness in the abdomen, lower pelvic edema, and vaginal lubrication," the very symptoms of "Hysteria," which in the Victorian era was treated by administering "vulvular massage" by doctors.

Polyamory and other types of "open" relationships are a loving, rational answer to this ever-growing problem. Polyamorous couples generally report being happier and closer and more in love than they were before they opened their marriage. And why not? They are loving each other for who they are, not who they're pretending to be.

As Schopenhaur said, "One can choose what to do, but not what to want."

But for so many of us, we can only choose what to do when we're in our right mind, when reason is in control. Under the influence of sexual desire, with all those drug-like hormones clouding rational thought, can we really choose what to do? History and thousands of contemporary examples say no. We can't control it.

Now, please, don't swing on that clock pendulum in the total opposite direction. This is not a call for rampant promiscuity either. Even me, with my propensity toward black & white thinking can see the difference here.

Sex at Dawn takes the reader through a historical and anthropological journey of human sexuality, exploring why we feel the way we feel and how society and religions force us to go against our most basic instincts. The authors show readers a different way to live and offer what is quite possibly the recipe for long-lasting, happy, fulfilling relationships. As a biological case for non-monagamy that simply cannot be argued, this book should be required reading for every adult in a relationship.

Unfortunately the book has been removed from the Kindle due to issues with their publisher, hopefully that's just temporary. The hardback and audio book are still available, and a new paperback with a slightly new title (Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships) will be released on July 5th.

BUY IT. READ IT. Talk to your spouse/SO about it.

I'm not saying you have to open up or even suggest that. Just talk about it.

Talk about your needs.

Talk about your love.

Talk about your future.

Please. Just talk.

The prerequisite for a good marriage, it seems to me, is the license to be unfaithful. ~Carl Jung, 1910.

Filed under: News & Reviews, Romance & Relationships Tagged: amazon, broken heart, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, review, romance, sex, sex at dawn

Steampunk Spotlight: Captain Benjamina's Salvage Emporium

Today the Steampunk Spotlight shines on the unique accessories & jewelry of Captain Benjamina's Dalvage Emporium!

Captain Benjamina's Salvage Emporium are salvage operators scouring the edges of our galaxy to bring you Beautiful Handcrafted Jewelry • Unique Accessories • Steampunk Munitions Salvage & Curiosities Galore!

Find Captain Benjamina's on Facebook

☞ Visit Captain Benjamina's on ETSY. ☜

-_Q

If you like it, buy something … or at the very least, tell a friend about it.

Share via your social networks.

Etsy has a wonderful "share" feature to the right of every item. Use it.

-_Q

Buy Handmade. Support Artists Now.

How about you?

-_Q

Do you make Steampunk-something?

Would you like to be a part of this Steampunk Spotlight?

Contact Olivia to submit your handmade product.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: art, author, captain benjamina's, etsy, jewelry, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk, victorian

Behind the Carousel

Two secret lovers steal away

They're covered by the dark.

And meet behind the carousel

In an abandoned park.

They've hid their love for oh so long

Their passion at new heights

And let themselves be taken o'er

To cherish new delights.

He takes her in his arms at last

And pulls her close to him.

They kiss and touch and feel so free,

Exploring every whim.

He hikes her skirts and presses her

Against a wooden horse,

He finds his mark and slides inside.

She meets his driving force.

They move together, so in love,

But eyes reveal their pain.

While in this time they're free to feel,

They cannot meet again.

They focus on the here and now

Becoming one in flesh.

Their souls entwined, their bodies spent,

A tear falls on her breast.

He pulls away and hides his face.

She straightens out her dress.

Before they say goodbye—not yet!

They share one last caress.

He goes his way and she goes hers,

Lamenting they must part.

Whatever after comes of this,

At least they'll have the park.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, infidelity, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, poetry, postaweek2011, relationships, sex, steampunk

Talking to Your SO About Polyamory (Podcast)

Episode Three: Talking to Your SO About Polyamory. In this episode I cover how to start a conversation about polyamory with your spouse or SO, and sometimes more importantly, how not to start that conversation.

Dispelling 5 Myths of Polyamory

Original blog post here.

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, steampunk

Podcast Promo

35 second podcast promo for "Caught in the Cogs: Blood. Sex. Steampunk" for use on other podcasts. Please use it at will!

Podcast Promo

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

When Your SO Says No to Polyamory

If your needs aren't getting met by your significant other (SO)/spouse, you might try to explore other options. Hopefully infidelity isn't one of those options because that can lead to so much pain for all concerned at worst, and at best, you will be leading a double life, always fearful of being discovered. However, it is the norm in most Western societies. If you've already crossed that line, we'll discuss your options in a future post.

As I've mentioned in former posts & now in podcasts, Polyamory can be a healthier alternative to infidelity. But the road to an open relationship can be a long, bumpy one if your primary relationship is not already based on honesty and trust and mutual respect.

The first mention of opening your marriage, especially if the subject is broached too soon, may be met with anger, jealousy, and intense fear of abandonment or feelings of worthlessness. Or both. Your spouse/SO will likely feel threatened and might even forbid you from ever mentioning it again.

Don't let this dissuade you if you truly feel it will help get your needs met & ultimately improve your primary relationship, if for no other reason than bringing you closer together. As insecure beings, especially in matters of the heart, we need a lot of reassurance. To get the reassurance you need, you must give the reassurance your SO needs.

Most couples, it seems, don't talk. I just watched a movie called "Panic" with my husband, and it made me very sad. The main couple didn't talk. They didn't communicate. Instead of the husband going to his wife & expressing his dissatisfaction and midlife crisis (a cliche for sure, but for a good reason. Most people experience this, and it can be devastating. As trite as it sounds, it's anything but to the person experiencing it.), he hid further within himself and began seeing a solution to his faltering sense of self in a young woman. His wife knew, because women often just know, even if they don't say anything. Upon confirmation, her first reaction was shock, then she begged him to fuck her, and then she got angry and threw him out.

Emotions run high, especially when one's reality is threatened or compromised, as shown in that scene. She thought everything was okay, but deep down she knew something was wrong for quite some time. She didn't reach out, and neither did he. Whatever wasn't right between them grew and festered, driving them further apart. Which, in turn, makes it all that much harder to open up. Which drives them further apart. Vicious circle.

You need to break that circle and talk to your spouse.

If you've done all these things to heal your relationship, bridged that gap and became closer to your spouse, and they're still not willing to talk about opening your marriage, you need to ask them how they're feeling. What they're thinking. What they are afraid of. All in a loving, non-accusatory way. Tell them that you both could start slowly, perhaps by going out and experimenting with flirtation. No touching or kissing yet, just flirting. See how that feels. Then talk about how that felt with your SO.

If they won't even agree to flirting together, then you have a decision to make. Ultimately, you and your spouse's needs and willingness to compromise may be too different. A sacrifice will need to be made. It will either be sacrificing your needs or sacrificing your relationship. If you sacrifice your needs, that might end up sacrificing your relationship anyway. Because if you sacrifice yourself, you will end up resenting your spouse. You might end up in an affair, and that can destroy all concerned.

But, don't get discouraged yet. That's only after months and months of talking and getting closer and sharing fears and such. It's after taking baby steps for maybe years. It's after you've both gotten to know each other better, and if you're truly doing the work and opening up and taking care of one another, it will likely not come down to that. Don't give up after the first no either. You don't want to nag them about it, of course, but find some common ground that you're both comfortable with first and go from there. You might find that you don't want to open up either after experimenting with the reality of it.

Remember, if you think your primary relationship is a lot of work, just think how much work and energy and secondary relationship will be…

But you must be true to yourself and honest with yourself before you can be honest with your SO.

Many people who have affairs feel that no affair would be worth losing their spouse, but loneliness mixed with opportunity can quickly become dangerous, especially on a business trip. Libidinal needs sometimes trumps reason in the moment. Often, actually. It's biology, as I've said before. Hormone surges, especially testosterone, are like being on a drug. It clouds your judgement and your reality. How wonderful to have an agreement with your spouse/SO to deal with that eventuality, as it surfaces in nearly every marriage at one time or another.

Have something in place to deal with that.

Please.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, steampunk

Steampunk Spotlight: ENSMB

Last week the Steampunk Spotlight was on the delightfully insane Professor Elemental. If you didn't get a chance to read that post, do that now. You won't be sorry. This week, I'm shining the gaslight on the other joyous musical act from the Steampunk World's Fair: Emperor Norton's Stationary Marching Band (ENSMB).

As I mentioned in last week's con report, ENSMB was one of the highlights of my entire weekend there. They not only played during their scheduled sets, but they also played throughout the weekend in the most unlikely places. They played in the portico. They played in the foyer. They played in the hallways. They played in the elevator. And wherever they played, they were followed by a group of dancing people, spreading joy and the spirit of Steampunk.

I got the chance to do a lovely jitterbug swing with DJ Doctor Q while ENSMB played, and that is something I'll never forget. Every time I heard the pounding of their bass drum, the cry of their violin, and the jazzy liveliness of their horn section, I couldn't help but stop whatever I was doing, clap my hands, and swing my fluffy bustle to the beat.

If you ever see that ENSMB will be playing near you, be sure to catch their show. You will be so glad you did.

Connect with them online: website * twitter * facebook

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, convention, emperor norton's stationary marching band, ensmb, love, music, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, professor elemental, spwf, steampunk, steampunk worlds fair

Dispelling 5 Myths of Polyamory (Podcast)

Episode Two speaks to some common myths about polyamory.

Dispelling 5 Myths of Polyamory

Original blog post here.

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk