O.M. Grey's Blog, page 47

Posting Challenge 2011

Just found this posting challenge thanks to Charlotte English.

Over the past month or so, I've stepped up my blogging to a few times a week. Now I'm committed to blogging at least twice a week and hopefully three times a week.

I think it will be inspiring & cathartic. It already has been both.

I'll also make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.

If you already read my blog, I hope you'll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way. If you have any topics you'd like me to blog about, please feel free to list them here or ping me on Twitter/Facebook with ideas.

The plan is…

Tuesdays: Steampunk Spotlight (please let me know about any fine Steampunk artists, authors, or musicians to spotlight)

Wednesdays: Hump Day Articles on Relationships, Romance, and Sexuality

Fridays: Freaky Fridays. Anything goes here from posts on the paranormal to personal/professional updates to con reports to poetry.

There it is.

Your suggestions and comments are always welcome. Please don't hesitate to make a request.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011

The Strength of Inara

[image error]Last weekend at AggieCon (which was a blast, btw), I had the pleasure of participating on a panel discussing Firefly: The Immortal TV Show. Among my fellow panelists were the AggieCon Literary GOH Catherynne Valente, author Patrice Sarath, and Captain Whittaker from the Airship Isabella.

The conversation during the panel was quite interesting, and it took several turns I never would have expected. I love this about open discussion and convention panels. I always learn so much just by listening to others' opinions. In fact, the panel was so thought-provoking, that a few of the panelists and several audience members continued the discussion out on the patio afterwards.

I've always held Joss Whedon as a strong advocate for women's issues, a feminist at heart, so I was surprised to hear Catherynne say that she felt Joss Whedon showed the complete opposite in his works. She cited several examples such as how Whedon kills off the women characters, but perhaps the most astonishing example was to hear her say that Inara Serra, played by Morena Baccain, was an underdeveloped character and an example of a weak woman.

Catherynne pointed out that sex workers have no problems telling people that they're attracted to them or handling such situations, and of this I have no doubt; however, I don't believe that Inarra lacked the courage to tell Mal she loved him, but rather she was wise enough and strong enough not to tell him.

Inara is a companion. In the world of Firefly, this is similar to a Geisha or a Courtesan, a high-class, well-educated sex worker. Although Mal seems to take pleasure in calling her "whore" and other such misogynistic attacks on her choice of career, as the audience gets to know the characters it becomes clear that he says these things in order to remind himself and attempt to keep an emotional distance from her, because he is deeply in love with her. And she is deeply in love with him. The tension between the two is undeniable. Then the question remains: why don't they ever get together?

The easy answer, of course, is that Joss Whedon is a sadist, which he is when it comes to romantic relationships in his stories, or that the sexual tension is necessary for plot or conflict purpose. Certainly the above two reasons are true, but the more important answer lies within the characters themselves. In fact, it is what helps define those characters.

Love is powerful. Sexual desire is powerful. Combined, they are virtually impossible to deny, especially when one is in such close proximity with one's beloved day after day after day. Additionally, Inara and Mal are normally in the middle of space for weeks on end without seeing anyone other than the other members of Serenity's crew.

Only someone with amazing strength could deny such a strong attraction and deep love. Day, after day, after day.

Inara has sex for a living, but what she does for her clients is much more than just carnal gratification. She nurtures them and honors them, and most of them honor her and her position as well. In such a profession, she understands the power of sexuality and the power of intimately coming together with another person. It can be a profound experience, if we allow ourselves to feel it.

Inara understands the depth and possible dangers of passion. She understands that she and Mal come from two different worlds and that love is not enough to make a relationship work. She is not blinded by romantic notions of happily ever after. She fully grasps the risk of crossing that line with Mal.

Theirs is a business arrangement. She rents a shuttle from him so that she might expand her clientele across the galaxy. She is quite obviously in love with Mal and sexually attracted to him (Hello! Nathan Fillion! Who wouldn't be?), but she is also aware that giving into her desire would likely destroy both their lives. Mal understands this, too. Therein lies the tragedy. They are deeply in love, but they cannot (or rather should not) be together. Which, of course, makes them want each other all the more, as what is more delicious than forbidden fruit? Even if it is a self-imposed restraint.

Being in love, they could not just have sex and leave it at that. We're not talking about a physical release here. It goes so much deeper than that. Inara knows it. Even though she has sex for a living without emotional attachment, her feelings for Mal are already present. Mal, on the other hand, has a strong sense of integrity around sex. He sees it as a sacred union, and I love him for it. This is part of the problem he has with Inara's profession.

If they were to cross that line, Mal would not be able to live with Inara continuing her career as a companion, which would ultimately tear them apart. For this is Inara's choice, her career, her life. To give it up would be to give up who she is, and a strong woman does not give up who she is for a man, not even Nathan Fillion. Inara's refusal to sacrifice her life, and thereby herself, for love is a testament to her strength, especially under their circumstances and in such close proximity.

In "Heart of Gold," Mal sleeps with another woman, Nandi (a former companion), and it's a very *hot* scene. It's my favorite episode not only for the steamy scene between Mal and Nandi, but also for Inara's reaction when she learns that Mal had had sex with Nandi.

Inara knows Mal. She knows that sex is sacred to him, so she understands that when he chose to be with Nandi, although Mal is not in love with Nandi, it was not meaningless to him. Inara goes into an empty room and cries. Her tears do not show weakness, they show her strength. She goes to where no one can see her and deals with her pain alone. It's heartbreaking. But she is not jealous. She is heartbroken because here is a painul reminder that she cannot have what she so desperately wants. What she so desperately needs. She wants to be able to lose herself in love. She wants to lose herself in him. She wants to give up everything just for one night or a chance at love. She fantasizes about it, but she is too strong to actually do it.

Because she is wise enough to know the truth. She knows that by giving into her desires, she will destroy both their lives.

Inara is not by any means weak; she is stronger than I could ever be.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: aggiecon, broken heart, firefly, heartbroken, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, relationships, romance, sex, whedon

Steampunk Spotlight: Airship Isabella

For the last several weeks at the various cons I've attended, I kept running into the members of the crew from Airship Isabella. This past weekend at AggieCon, I had the great pleasure of getting to know some of the crew members. What they do is quite amazing, and they are very deserving to be in this week's Steampunk Spotlight.

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From their website:

The Airship Isabella is a mercenary ship for hire. Through the use of steam powered generators, augmented by a mysterious essence known only as Aether, the crew travels from dimension to dimension, from time to time, completing jobs, causing a ruckus, and "collecting" goods from each individual world. The crew consists of many a rag-tag personality, but together with their sister ship, The Neo Dulcimer: They make a family.

On the flip side of the story, ASI is a group of artists, performers, and visionaries who have bound together to create characters who explore the boundaries of the Steampunk community and a menagerie of worlds to put them in. On their agenda: to create art for others to enjoy as much as themselves, to share their knowledge with those who find it of interest, to encourage people who would otherwise find themselves incapable of creating something wonderful to put their worries aside and realize that – with the right knowledge and tools – they can do it too.

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Please visit their impressive website for a full list of their services, their upcoming events (you most certainly want to catch them in action), and their beautiful Steampunk creations. For more pictures of the crew and the marvelous impact they have on their friends and fans, please friend them on Facebook.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: aggiecon, airship isabella, convention, cosplay, o.m. grey, olivia grey, steampunk

All-Con = Awe-Some

I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at a fantasy convention. I mean, cons are usually fun, don't get me wrong, but All-Con in Dallas (March 18-20) held a special kind of joy for me.

I think it must've been the R2 units. That and all the cosplay. Then there was meeting an old crush, Captain Apollo from the original Battlestar Galactica, actor Richard Hatch. He was very, very charming.

There were two great photography studios there, Hogarts Photography and Neither Noir Art Shoppe, and they were each taking pictures of congoers in their costumes.  The picture on the left was taken by Neither Noir, and I loved it so much I made it my new Twitter avatar. More pictures of me from Neither Noir can be seen on my Facebook Fan Page.

[image error]A definite highlight from All-Con was R2D2. Three different R2D2s were in attendance along with their makers. As soon as I saw them, I let out a high-pitched squeeeee and reverted to the 7-yr-old girl who fell in love with him back in 1977. These R2s were fully functional. They moved and spun around in circles and talked only the way R2 can. I would pat his silver-domed head, and R2 would rock back and forth in delight. Then, after I stepped away, he would roll up close to me wanting more loving attention. Truly, filled my heart with great joy!

Another squeee-worthy, geekgasm moment was when I passed a couple of Stormtroopers in the hallway. They were stopping congoers and checking their convention passes. Then they would say, totally business-like and deadpan, "We work for the Empire, and we're searching for two missing droids."

Seriously.

Geek-gasm. Right there in the Crown Plaza Hotel.

I had the great pleasure of being across the aisle from Richard Hatch and Anne Lockhart, actors from the original Battlestar Galactica TV series. I would watch that show with my dad while I was growing up, and I had a definite school-girl crush on both Capt. Apollo and Starbuck. No doubt. (My dad had the crush on Anne.) It was really cool to meet and talk with them both. Very nice people. Richard even suffered through a fun picture for me.

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Something new to me: Japanese Dolls. Several congoers were carrying around beautifully crafted Japanese (or Korean) dolls. They pay anywhere from $350 – $800 (!!!) for these dolls, and then pay even more to dress them up in outfits. One girl had a beautiful doll with a Steampunk arm, and she told me she paid $50 to get her arm all Steampunk'd up. I could totally do that. Perhaps a new service to support my fiction habit. xo

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Okay, the one on the right isn't a Japanese doll, but a Stormtrooper in a Jayne Cobb hat? How cool is that!!!

Then, of course, there was just general, all-around HOTNESS. Truly, there is something about a man (or in this case, men) dressed like he just stepped out of a saloon. And…yum!

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This is just a sampling of images. For more pictures from All-Con, please visit my Facebook photo album.

[image error]This was my first All-Con, but it most certainly will not be my last.

This weekend: AggieCon where I'll be doing a reading from Avalon Revisited as well as talking on various panels about Steampunk, Firefly, and Dr. Who. (Tardis! Take me away!) AggieCon's 2011 guest of honor is Catherynne Valente! I'm very excited about meeting her. She wrote the best zombie short story *ever* – "The Days of Flaming Motorcycles"

BTW…it's bigger on the inside.

Filed under: Events & Contests, News & Reviews Tagged: amazon, author, author visit, convention, cosplay, goggles, o.m. grey, olivia grey, short story, steampunk

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self

After the fallout of an abusive relationship or a deep loss (or both), you might find yourself feeling shattered, as if the very person you were is now lying in little, broken pieces in the mud. You may feel tossed aside and abandoned by someone who you trusted above all others. Or perhaps you feel stupid for not seeing things more clearly earlier, and you might be beating yourself up for catching on too late. You might be angry with yourself for missing your ex, even if s/he was abusive to you.  Although these feelings are all normal, eventually as you move through the stages of grief, you must begin to rebuild yourself and your fractured self-esteem.

If you were in an abusive relationship and/or were abandoned by a trusted friend, deep seated feelings of shame surface. It may be difficult to look in the mirror because you think that the person you see there is responsible for the pain, the loss, and the shame. You may even think that you are responsible for the relationship ending, chastising yourself that if you had only been a little more patient, or understanding, or fill-in-the-blank things would have worked out differently, even if your ex was the one lying, cheating, deceiving, or abusing you.

There are many forms of abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse can be devastating, especially when one does not recognize it as such. Sam Vaknin has a great article entitled "What is abuse?"

So, yes. Shame. I talked about the shame I felt after a loss in the post "Overcoming Shame." Nine weeks later…I'm here to tell you that you are not responsible.

It is not your shame.

This is especially true if you have been with an abusive person. Abusive behavior is shameful. Verbal and emotional abuse is shameful. Deception is shameful. Toying with someone is shameful. Treating someone with disrespect is shameful.

Honesty and love are never shameful. Giving yourself to another person is never shameful. Trusting someone is never shameful, even if they prove to be unworthy of that trust.

Still, we have a tendency to take on our abuser's shame, perhaps it is because we have a sense of integrity and responsibility; but ultimately, it is not our shame nor our responsibility. Once you get far enough along in the grieving process, this will become abundantly clear.

In the mean time, you must rebuild your sense of self. True, you did not fracture yourself, but you are the only one who can repair yourself and your self-esteem. I'm sure you hate to hear those words, but it's because they're true…and it does take work. I highly recommend the book Recovery of Your Self-Esteem by Carolynn Hillman, especially if you are a woman. There are a plethora of other books on the subject, as well as those directed specifically at recovering from an abusive relationship.

"Success is being happy first with yourself, and secondly with your life." ~ Carolynn Hillman.

Hillman goes on to say how so many of us think that once we find that special someone (or if s/he would just come back to us) that our self-esteem would improve. She likens this to trying to care for a plant: "First grow, then I'll water you."

She talks about the importance of CARESSing oneself. Her CARESS stands for Compassion, Acceptance, Respect, Encouragement, Support, Stroking. Many of us give these things to others in abundance, but we have more trouble giving them to ourselves.

A book well worth reading.

Finally, the day will come when you are ready to "get back out there," albeit with a little more caution this time. You most certainly don't want to do this too soon, as that could be further destructive to your sense of self, especially if you have a tendency to make questionable decisions when over-stressed. You don't necessarily want to get "under someone else" to get over someone. Certainly not too soon.

Yet, when you're ready you will know. And then, on a day when you least expect it, someone new will walk into your life. S/he will respect you. Want to know you. Want to spend time with you. S/he will share their life and experiences and fears and dreams with you. Because if they don't behave in this way, you will know far earlier.

And although your heart is somehow not quite as pure or whole as it was before it had been shattered, it is stronger now with the newly formed scars. With this stronger heart, you will be able to love even more deeply than before. This time, with someone deserving of your affections.

I know Liam is.

-_Q

What types of things do you find helpful to maintain/rebuild your self-esteem?

Affirmations? Pampering yourself? Treating yourself? Taking breaks? Giving yourself permission to relax?

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Steampunk Spotlight: Dust on the Davenport

Back in February, the Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences accepted my short story "Dust on the Davenport" for their podcast anthology Tales from the Archives.

Today the Steampunk Spotlight shines on the release of Episode Two: "Dust on the Davenport" on this fine SteamTuesday.

I had a lot of fun writing and recording this story. Tee asked me to do the project during a rather difficult personal time, and I almost turned it down. I'm so very glad I didn't.

This is my first podcast, and it most certainly will not be my last. With the help (and voices) of seasoned podcasters like Paul E. Cooley, Tee Morris, and Pip Ballantine, the result is quite brilliant. Paul, Tee, and Pip recorded various characters in the story, and I narrated it and read the part of "Florence." Tee made the story come alive with fun sound effects, too. I'd also like to thank the amazing Dr. Q for brainstorming with me and giving me great names for the Steampunk gadgetry.

Give it a listen!

Dust on the Davenport, written and narrated by O.M. Grey

Agent Simon R. Boswell, still considered the green agent of the Ministry, takes on his own a supposed haunting in Islington. Hauntings tend to be nothing too serious for agents specializing in the unexplained; but for Simon, this case supplies surprises of all kinds, around every corner…

—>Listen to the story here.

They will release a new story From the Archives every fortnight, so do stay tuned.

This podcast anthology is a companion to the book Phoenix Rising: A Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences Novel, by Pip Ballantine and Tee Morris (now available for pre-order).

-_Q

This is indeed a most excellent SteamTuesday.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: gothic, o.m. grey, olivia grey, short story, steampunk

Wild Wild West Report

So sorry for the delay. I know it's been nearly two weeks since I returned from the Wild Wild West Steampunk Convention. Better late than never, they say.

At my signing in the North Chapel with two new readers: Michael & Diane.

This was the first convention in which I was a Guest of Honor, and it was a wonderful experience. I normally have a table at fantasy conventions full of books and other goodies like vampire slayer kits, peanut shooting crossbows, and steampunk broken hearts, but at this show I was a Guest of Honor.

I am indeed a pretty, pretty princess. And so is Cherie Priest.

Me with Cherie Priest, dressed for the Masked Ball.

Being a Guest of Honor means I had a whole lot of nothing to do and nowhere to be most of the weekend, which was rather great for a change! I got to hang out with my new friend Cherie Priest all day and chat, because she, too, had nothing to do. The con had only scheduled us for one event each on Friday and one event each on Saturday, so it did make for a lot of down time. Okay by me, as I got to know the amazing Ms. Priest and learned a lot from her. (Loved Boneshaker, btw…have I mentioned?) We talked publishing and writing and marketing and life. She drank root beer floats. We ate pizza, quite a sight in our Victorian finery. We rode the train around the studios & even went on a tour of the haunted mine! We shopped in the vendor area and found some truly amazing things. It was the most impressive vendor display I had ever seen. I fell in love with some shoes. Imagine that.

Hans of PH Factor & Cherie Priest

My dear friends Nick Valentino, Elizabeth Darvill, and Hans of PH Factor were also in attendence, but they were working (like I normally am) all day during the show. I didn't get to hang out with them as much as I had hoped because of our differing schedules, but it was truly wonderful to see them all just the same.

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Me, Liz, & Nick at the Tea Party. Photo by C. Priest.

The Baroness, aka Kimberly Terrell, and I hosted the fabulous Tea Party where a group of authors read to nearly 150 patrons as they enjoyed a spot of tea and other goodies. Each attendee got an author-signed copy of Avalon Revisited for their very own. I had never read in front of a crowd quite that large before, so it was a wonderful experience.

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Reading at the Tea Party. Photo courtesy of Turner Photography

The evenings were fun, too. Dinner, drinks, and dances…even a rat with a teeny tiny top hat attended the Chrononaught Ball!

Filed under: Events & Contests, News & Reviews Tagged: author, author visit, bustles, cherie priest, convention, cosplay, elizabeth darvill, nick valentino, o.m. grey, olivia grey, steampunk

Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Wikipedia calls "love at first sight" a popular Western literary "trope," or figurative language, perpetuated in Greek, Roman, and other Western literatures. Songs are written about love at first sight. It became part of the "courtly love" tradition that is so prevalent in Medieval & Renaissance literatures, especially the beloved Arthurian legend.

In fact, one of the most famous and tragic love stories of all time started with "love at first sight."

Romeo & Juliet.

But remember, right before Romeo saw Juliet, he was pining over Rosaline. 

I've read articles that speak of love at first sight as genetic, as well as chemical. The feeling of love, which anyone who has been in a new romantic love can confirm, is highly addictive. In fact, "the same chemical process that takes place with addiction takes place when we fall in love" (source).

Speaking of chemicals, ever wonder why women love chocolate so very much? (I know I do.) It's because it contains phenylethylamine, one of the chemicals our bodies produce when we're in love.

There there are estrogen and testosterone, which play a huge role in libido. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and seratonin, powerful brain chemicals that not only increase when we "fall in love" but are also the key chemicals behind many emotional and mental disorders from depression to OCD to personality disorders (source).

It's science!

Part of this "love at first sight" debate is centered around the etymology of the word "love," or perhaps I should say the way in which this solitary word is used in the English language.

I love chocolate.

I love my dog.

I love to write.

I love my husband.

I love my mother.

I love my daughter.

I love my friend.

Same word, very different meanings overall.

There are different kinds of love, but in English we only have one word for all of them. Thus so much of the confusion and miscommunication in relationships. In Greek, there are several words for love: agape (ἀγάπη) for "general affection or a deeper sense of true love," also considered unconditional love; eros (ἔρως) for "passionate love, with sensual desire and longing;" philia (φιλία) for "dispassionate virtuous love…[including] loyalty to friends, family, and community;" and storge (στοργή) for natural affection like one would feel for parents or offspring (source). John Lee added three other "love styles" to this list: mania, which is obsessive, intense, long-lasting love; pragma, "love driving by the head, not the heart;" and ludus, "a love that is played as a game or sport," like a conquest (source & Lee's book).

Some say love at first sight is really lust at first sight because how can anyone fall in true love with a stranger? Love is based on intimate knowledge of the other person and vice versa.

Interestingly, a professor in New York studied what made people fall in love. He took a group of complete strangers, coupled them up with the opposite sex, had them tell each other intimate details of their lives for 90 minutes, and then had them stare into each other's eyes for 4 minutes without speaking. "The results? Many of the subjects felt a deep attraction for their partner after the experiment, and two even ended up getting married six months later."

Is this all it takes to fall in love?

In my forty years, I've experienced many kinds of love. Perhaps every kind of love, except the love one has for one's child, as I've never had children of my own. But erotic love? Absolutely. Platonic love? Yep. Unconditional love, perhaps known also as true love? Fortunately, every day.

I know that the rush and excitement of a new love is intoxicating and addictive, but as I've said in other articles, ultimately fades. We cannot burn that brightly indefinitely without burning out. The initial erotic love, if we're lucky, deepens into a more secure love, perhaps even unconditional love.

Although, come to think of it, I have not experienced love at first sight. When I fall in love, it takes me by surprise. The men I've loved never were who I thought I'd fall in love with. They were the ones I wasn't attracted to at first glance but with whom I developed an undeniable and inexplicable connection. It's only happened a few times, really. Rather rare and precious.

This isn't to say I haven't experienced attraction at first sight. Most definitely! Several times! In fact, just last weekend with the bonny Scot I've been tweeting about. I'm referring to him as "Liam" for ease, and he is quite delicious. No doubt. But is it love? Not yet, but I have hope. ;)

Drinks together this weekend…wish me luck!

-_Q

Now for you, dear readers…do you believe in love at first sight or is it just lust?

Have you ever experienced love at first sight?

Why hasn't someone figured out how to bottle that feeling of love? Perhaps a way to dose serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Probably would be far less tears, infidelity, and wars. What would the dangers of that be? Thoughts?

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: healing, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: Tales from the Archives

As you may recall, back in February, I announced that the Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences had accepted my short story "Dust on the Davenport" for their podcast anthology Tales from the Archives.

Last week, the Ministry released the first installment of Tales from the Archives:

"The Evil that befell Sampson…"

It is revealed just how Miss Braun ended up being exiled from her native country, New Zealand, and working for the Ministry in its London Offices. It's a tale of nefarious doings, stalwart ladies, and the sound of clockwork.

—>Listen to the story here.

Their second installment will be posted next week on March 11, and it will be…wait for it…my short story "Dust on the Davenport"! (Don't worry, I'll remind you next Tuesday.)

This podcast anthology is a companion to the book Phoenix Rising: A Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences Novel, by Pip Ballantine and Tee Morris (now available for pre-order).

-_Q

A most excellent SteamTuesday, if I do say so myself.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: o.m. grey, olivia grey, short story, steampunk

Pathological Passion

As a young Catholic girl, my family would go to mass for The Passion of Christ every Easter Vigil. During this time, the congregation were forced to play along with a sadistic roleplaying game re-enacting the scourge and crucifixion of Christ. It was highly traumatic for me as a young girl, and I have never forgotten how tears would fill my eyes as I said the words, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!"

Yes. Quite sadistic indeed.

As far as I know, Catholic masses all over the world still do this very thing every Easter. In fact I have no doubt they do, but I left Catholicism nearly twenty years ago. Never again will I have to say "Crucify Him."

Regardless, when I was a teenager and had begun to feel sexual and romantic "passion," I wondered why this tradition was called "The Passion." After all, there was nothing "passionate" about what happened to Christ (and the scores of others who met the same fate during that time.)

That is, of course, until I truly experienced "passion." Falling in love, especially when unrequited, but even when it is mutual. As Sam says in Love Actually, there is nothing "worse than the total agony of being in love."

Well, I guess there is one thing worse. Losing said love.

Passion. The word comes from the Greek "pathos" (ραθοσ) meaning "to suffer." Yes. Quite literally. The English language gets many words from other languages: Greek, Latin, French, etc…but perhaps there is no other word that is as honest as this one.

Passion is suffering.

Here is another English word comes from ραθοσ: pathological.

When you fall in love with someone who is pathological, your suffering is doubled. This can be a pathological liar, a pathological narcissist, or someone with another form of pathological behavior/personality.

Then you fall into fantasy to try to survive the pathological's behavior and threatened abandonment, as you likely fell in love before you realized your beloved was, indeed, pathological. This fantasizing ultimately deepens one's suffering.

Suffering upon suffering upon suffering.

"Emotional suffering is created in the moment we do not accept what is." ~Eckhart Tolle

Agreed, but what if we don't know what is? The truth.

Perhaps we may not know what is true, but we likely always know something isn't right. It's then about being honest with yourself and protecting yourself against deception. A fine line, most definitely. Here we will find ourselves between being too trusting and being cynical.

We all want to feel special, to feel loved, to feel needed. We want to fall in love, for what a wonderful form of suffering passionate love is.

Yet, to protect ourselves against piling suffering upon suffering, here are a few things to keep in mind:

If your beloved is lying to his spouse, s/he's probably lying to you
Even if they say you are special, a fluke, and that they have never been in this position before, s/he's probably lying to you. There may, in fact, be many others along with you.
If they say they love you, don't believe it until their actions match their words.
Actions always speak louder than words
Words are very easy, especially for the pathological liar or pathological narcissist
Read up on the symptoms of the Narcissist. Learn to recognize them early for the sake of your sanity and your heart.

A person who loves you will want to talk with you at every free moment and spend hours getting to know you. They will respect you and your boundaries. They will share their life, dreams, and memories with you. They will want to see you, hold you, kiss you, cherish you.

They will not threaten you. They will not hide things from you. They will not avoid you. If they're doing these things all while telling you they love you, they don't.

No amount of fantasizing will change what is or what will be. Look at your beloved's behavior, there is the key. Remember as Dr. Phil says, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

If we're lucky, we are all victims of passion at one time or another, for it is one of the most wonderful things about being human. Falling in love. That first kiss. The nervousness and excitement of a new lover. The feeling that there is no possible way your bodies can ever be close enough, even when you are inside each other.

Yes, we are quite lucky to be victims of passionate love.

But, if we're careful, we do not have to be victims of pathological love. For there is where the debilitating suffering resides.

-_Q

Do you think suffering effectively defines falling in love?

What are some other examples of pathological behavior in romantic relationships?

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationships, romance, sex