O.M. Grey's Blog, page 48

Ethical Responsibility?

[image error]Last week, a colleague and I were discussing polyamory vs. infidelity. The latter she called non-consensual non-monagamy. I had never heard it put quite that way before, but that's exactly what it is. One person in a couple decides to be non-monogamous. Doesn't tell the other.

People are so quick to judge someone who chooses a consensually non-monagamous lifestyle, but the operative word there is *consensual.* Everybody knows. Everyone is respected. Everybody is okay and secure and cared for. Everybody is safe in the honesty. In the know.

Non-consensual non-monagamy is another matter. Infidelity. Cheating. Lying. Deception. When this colleague said the words "non-consensual non-monagamy," something clicked in my brain. 

The word "non-consensual" says it all, really. It speaks to the inherent violation, conjuring up images of non-consensual sex; i.e. rape.

Infidelity is a rape of the heart.

It is a rape of trust.

It is a rape of the life built together. Of family. Of emotional bonds. Of marital vows.

 

So…here comes the controversial ethical dilemma:

If you know a person is cheating on their spouse and getting away with it, do you have an ethical responsibility to tell the spouse? Or do you keep quiet, allowing them to continue a life of deception, becoming a part of that deception yourself?

What if there are children involved?

What if you were the other wo/man?

What if the cheater is your best friend? What if the deceived is your best friend?

If it was your marriage/relationship, would you want to know your spouse was lying to you? Cheating on you? Or would you want to be kept in the dark? "What I don't know won't hurt me."

What if this cheater was destroying other lives/marriages all while keeping his/her own spouse in the dark?

Under what circumstances would it be acceptable to inform the spouse of the deception?

 

This colleague gave me this analogy:

Scenario: Someone you know has a contagious, incurable STD. You know that they are chatting up someone new, but they haven't come clean about having this STD.

Do you have an ethical responsibility to tell this new person about said STD? Why or Why Not? What if the STD is AIDs?

As in all ethical questions, the answers are not clear or easy. There are pros and cons to each decision. Ultimately, whose responsibility is it? If the deceiver doesn't come clean, should everyone else just avert their eyes? Is truth or discretion more important?

In a society rampant with infidelity (ladies, as an experiment, put up a "missed connections" ad on Craigslist and see just how many married men reply), when does our silence become part of the overall problem?

First they came for the communists,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me

and there was no one left to speak out for me.

~Niemoller

I don't have answers to these questions, but I would love to participate in a discussion on the topic. Please comment your thoughts/opinions below. Let's talk.

-_Q  **More Relationship Articles** -_Q

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: broken heart, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

ConJour Schedule

I had hoped to give a report of the Wild Wild West Steampunk Con last week, but since I was only home for three days before heading back on the road, I didn't have time to get one together. Hopefully next week!

This weekend I'll be donning my corset & bustle once again to attend ConJour at the University of Houston Clear Lake. Find me in the dealers room or at one of the below events. My Schedule…

Friday, March 11

Reading: Avalon Revisited 8:30-9pm
Panel: Collaborations 9-10pm

Saturday, March 12

Panel: Happy Childhood Fantasies: Positive Children's & YA Lit 12-1pm (really? me?)
Panel: Costuming 4-5pm (that's more like it!)

Sunday, March 13

Panel: Publishing 2-3pm

Come join me. Buy me a drink. Hang out with me and my author friends Robert Stikmanz, Paul Cooley, Amanda Kimmerly, and Rhonda Eudaly…among others. A grand time will be had by all!

Filed under: Events & Contests Tagged: author visit, bustles, convention, corsets, cosplay, o.m. grey, olivia grey, steampunk

Rewarding Misogyny.

Today is the 100th International Women's Day, a day when the earth celebrates women and their social, political, and economic achievements. Events recognizing women are taking place all over the world. Annie Lennox tweeted from an event in the UK. Women gathered in Turkey, the Ukraine, and in 70 other countries. Daniel Craig dressed in drag. Ironically (or perhaps stereotypically) there are no events in Texas.

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen tweeted this:

"Nice guys finish last, awesome guys finish on her face.#dealwithit #winning"

It has been retweeted over 3,000 times. On International Women's Day.

Really?

This statement is not funny; it is hateful. It is offensive. It shows a total disregard and disrespect for women. It comes from a sick man who is going through some drastic life changes. Unfortunately, it's bringing out the worst in him. Many people are finding it entertaining, but ultimately their attention is just rewarding his misogyny. And that's what this shows: a hatred of women.

There is nothing funny or entertaining about misogyny.

Misogynists aren't always very easy to spot because on the surface they trumpet how much they love and respect women, and often times women find out too late, perhaps after they are already in love or attached in some other way. Then she is more likely to overlook the signs of the misogynist.

For the sake of your own heart and sanity, please don't overlook the signs. Get out and get away.

Some symptoms, taken from experience:

If a man, when complaining about some apparent wrong doing, uses the phrase "cry rape," he is likely a misogynist. If when seeing a questionable driver says, "it must be a woman," or comments on the attitude or temperament of a woman and says, "it must be that time of the month," he is likely a misogynist. If he refers to a thin woman as a "spinner" or makes jokes about "rufies," he is likely a misogynist.

A man who cheats on his wife, lies and deceives, is likely a misogynist. And, yes, suggestively flirting on the internet with other women is cheating.

When woven in conversation, these phrases can seem rather innocuous (although they never seem so to me), but they are very clear signs of a deep disrespect and possibly a hatred for women. #dealwithit

Misogynists are often handsome and charming and witty. They talk about how much they love women. They openly advertise that they have an inherent respect for women. They themselves may not even realize their own misogyny (in their mind they love women), but it is quite clear in their words and actions. These types of comments show a deep-seated hatred.

Using terms like "skull fucking" to describe an intimate act is quite misogynistic. It's not witty. It's not funny. It's hateful and offensive.

Threatening a woman with abandonment while seducing her is highly misogynistic. Telling her things like "if anyone finds out about this, you'll never see me again" while you are both naked and vulnerable is seriously abusive.

If when discussing your relationship he says something like "This is not just about sex. There are 30 women I could call right now who will fuck me," he is likely a misogynist. These kind of men ultimately view women as objects–sperm receptacles to be tossed aside when full. And tossed aside you'll be.

These are the words and actions of a man who is not only a misogynist, but is also a Narcissist.

Run. Very, very fast.

Today is International Women's Day. Let's celebrate it by taking a stand against misogyny.

Don't retweet (RT) Charlie Sheen's filth.

Don't allow a man to use and discard you.

Don't give yourself, heart and body, to a man who says or does things like the above examples.

Stand up for your inherent self worth. If you hear a misogynistic comment, call them out on it. I admit that I normally don't do this. I never laugh, but I just remain quiet.

From this point forward I vow to call out misogyny when I see it. I hope you will join me.

Let's stop rewarding misogyny.

-_Q

What are some other examples of misogynistic signs to watch out for?

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: annie lennox, broken heart, charlie sheen, daniel craig, grief, healing, heartbroken, infidelity, international women's day, love, misogyny, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, respect, romance, sex, woman, women

Gearing Up for Wild Wild West (Pun Intended)

Later today I will arrive in Tucson, AZ in preparation for the Wild Wild West Steampunk Convention. I'm thoroughly excited to attend as a Guest of Honor, and I look forward to meeting Cherie Priest. I *loved* Boneshaker. I'm also going to reunite with some dear friends (Nick & Liz) and meet others for the first time in person (Hans of PHFactor & MysticPieces).

It's taking place at the Old Tucson Studios, a western movie set. In addition to my normal Steampunk ensembles, I've got my airship cadet outfit ready, complete with a holstered maverick vampire slayer revolver & wooden bullets that strap on my arm. Oh. There will be pictures.

If I'm really lucky, maybe a smokin' space cowboy will sweep me off my feet.

-_Q

Would you rather read a dystopian future steampunk romance or one set in the wild west? Perhaps a mixture of the two?

Filed under: Events & Contests Tagged: author visit, convention, cosplay, o.m. grey, olivia grey, steampunk

Steampunk Spotlight: Wild Wild West

[image error]

This coming weekend, I have the great privilege of being a Guest of Honor at the Wild Wild West Steampunk Convention along with Cherie Priest, Nick Valentino, and Elizabeth Darvill.

I will be attending the Tea Party with the Baroness and reading from Avalon Revisited. All attendees of the tea party will receive a free signed copy of Avalon Revisited with their Brass VIP Membership or ticket to the event.

In addition to the fine tea party, I'll be speaking on panels, mingling with guests, and attending the Tesla Masquerade Ball, although you won't recognize me behind the lovely tatted mask (made by TotusMel) and in the magnificent clock-hand tiara (made by EJPCreations). How deliciously mysterious!

Find me among other exquisitely dressed attendees donned in my Steampunk Corset by LillysWorkshop, goggles by PH Factor (or my signature Mad Scientist glasses from Clockwork Couture) and a teeny tiny top hat by GypsyLadyHats.

I can personally vouch for each of these fine artists, so if you're looking to fill out your Steampunk ensemble, please consider their fine wares.

If you plan to attend the convention, please do stop me and say hello.

Corsets, bustles, goggles…oh my! With all this Steampunk finery, it is most definitely difficult to choose my favorite. Perhaps my fluffy bustle… What is your favorite Steampunk cosplay piece?

Filed under: Events & Contests Tagged: author, author visit, bustles, corsets, cosplay, goggles, o.m. grey, olivia grey, steampunk

When Love Dies

"Love never dies a natural death….Love dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. Love dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. Love dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishing." ~Anais Nin

Last month I tried to breathe new life into a dying love…to no avail.

I blame Mumford and Sons, actually. Their soulful music, coupled with the loss surrounding me (not only the loss of my beloved, but knowing my cousin was watching her husband die and my sister's friend having just committed suicide), inspired me to reach out to my dear friend. I firmly believe that love should never be denied, in whatever form it takes in your life, for it is too precious, too fleeting.

Mumford and Sons's words "Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine/Together we can see what we will find" gave me the courage to believe that my beloved and I just needed to break down the barrier between us and heal the broken friendship beneath the failed romance. 

So I took a chance, believing that the strong base of a cherished friendship would see us through.

"But I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke on that noose around your neck."

I started to convince myself that perhaps it was I who abandoned the friendship. Silly, really, in hindsight. Yet, a month ago, I emailed him and said that I wasn't going to give up on a friendship as important as ours just because we got derailed for a few months. That I missed him. That I was here when he was ready.

"It's not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with a restart."

How he must've laughed at that email.

"But darkness is a harsh term, don't you think? And yet it dominates the things I seek."

I have not heard a word from him. Not one. And although I still look for an email or a text every day, even a month later, they don't come. I'm not sure if I'm more saddened or relieved by this absence of love. Saddened, I suppose.

"I gave you all…and you rip it from my hands and you swear it's all gone. And you rip out all I have just to say that you've won…but I gave you all."

This silence tells me that I truly meant nothing to him. That all the love I felt and all the pain that followed was for nothing. It was all for nothing.

"But you, you've gone to far this time…"

Because I am not nothing. I am love, and I continue to give that love. To him and all. I am not broken anymore. I am healing. I am stronger. I am worthy of honesty and respect and love.

"Love–it will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you. It will set you free."

Although Mumford and Sons inspired me to believe in him again, they are now helping me through another level of loss. Their words help me understand the truth that it was all a lie from the beginning. Their words help me find the strength to move forward, to forgive myself for being a fool in love…

"You did not think when you sent me to the break. You desired my attention but denied my affections. So tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?"

The deception. The abuse. The abandonment. The loss. It was not my fault. I loved him then. I love him now. I was true in my emotions. Although he was not true in his, I still cherish the little time we shared. And I still mourn it.

"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life."

So, last month I took a chance again. Foolishly, it seems. I reached into the darkness hoping to find a friend, but I stood there alone. At least see now that I was always alone in this. That is a difficult reality to accept, but I'm slowly coming to embrace it.

The man I loved, the friend I cherished, was ultimately a figment of my imagination, a character I created just like I do in my books. As for the real man, he never let me close enough to see him. Although, I would still really like to know that real man. Perhaps one day he will find the courage to show me that man, although I will not hold my breath.

"Alone in the wind and the rain you left me. It's getting dark, darling, too dark to see…I know you have felt much more love than you've shown. And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest. Plant your hope with good seeds. Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeks. Rain down. Rain down on me."

Out of necessity, I had to unfollow him on social networks. Seems rather petty and I really hated doing it, but just seeing his face and watching him talk to everyone but me was far too painful. I had to do it for my own sanity, for my own well-being.

"Take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made."

I do want my cherished friend back in my life, if he ever existed, but I am quite uninterested in the arrogant public persona. I want to know the man behind the avatar, although I strongly suspect the avatar is all that's truly there. I hope one day he proves me wrong on this point. Because I would really, really like to know the man beneath. In the mean time…

"I have other things to fill my time. You take what is yours and I'll take mine. Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind."

I am reclaiming that which is mine.

"'Cause I need freedom now, and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be."

And the grief subsides. The tears come much less often now. Yet, when I hear these words, I beat my chest and scream them to the heavens…because I feel. I love. I hurt. I love. I cry. I love. I love. I love.

"Stars! Hide your fires. These are my desires, and I will give them up to you this time around, and so I'll be found with my stake stuck in this ground, marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul."

-_Q

Mumford and Sons songs quoted, from their CD Sigh No More:

"Roll Away Your Stone"
"The Cave"
"White Blank Page"
"Sigh No More"
"I Gave You All"
"Thistle & Weeds"


Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: grief, love, open, polyamory, romance

In Loving Memory…

[image error]Yesterday an amazing and kind man left this earth.

Benjamin Somerlot was only 29 years old.

He bravely fought a rare and painful form of bone cancer called Ewing's Sarcoma for the past two years. The last few months of this life were spent in excruciating pain, but he never complained. He was always more concerned about his wife and his family, all who cared for him selflessly during that time.

Benjamin is survived by his equally courageous wife, Catherine, the talented artist who designed the beautiful cover for Avalon Revisited.

She does not want gifts or flowers, but please send her words of loving support @catarionna or via email.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: love, relationships, romance

ConDFW

I'll be at ConDFW this weekend in Dallas along with Robert Stikmanz.

Friday 2-8

Saturday 10-6

Sunday 10-4

Saturday afternoon at 2pm, I'll be on a panel discussing Steampunk gagetry. Then on Sunday, both at 11am and 2pm, I'll be discussing writing and the business of publishing.

Perhaps we can grab a spot of tea…or vodka.

Hope to see you there.

Filed under: Events & Contests Tagged: author visit, convention

For Shattered & Lonely Hearts

Today is Valentine's Day.

If you possess a shattered or lonely heart, then the last few weeks have probably been rather difficult for you. Everywhere you look you see proclamations of love and romantic gifts…but you have no one to give them to. You know you will not receive those flowers on Valentine's Day. No one will show up on your doorstep with chocolate. You won't get that text that simply says, "I miss you. Let's try again." You look through the cards on the shelf and find the perfect one for your lost lover, but you don't buy it. You will not taste your lost love's lips on that day. You will likely spend it alone, eating too much chocolate or drinking too much beer.

While it seems that everyone around you is in the blissful state of new love, you remain broken. Although it's not much consolation, you are not alone. Valentine's Day, for those who are not in love, is a time to remember those blessings in our lives. Our family. Our friends.

"Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love." ~Jane Austen

Certainly since my breakup, I have found new and wonderful friends who have helped me through my traumatic grief, and now I feel rather strong. I have a renewed hope. Joy fills my once empty days, and I can write again. I have faced Valentine's Day without a tear. The pain is gone, although the dull sadness over the loss of a dear friend remains. I suspect that won't really ever go away. Just lessen, perhaps.

And now my mended heart moves forward to perhaps love again. I'm likely not ready for that, and I will be infinitely more careful next time after being reminded on just how devastating it can be to give yourself to the wrong person, I will fall in love again. I know I will.

You will, too.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." ~Henry David Thoreau

As the stages of grief finally come to an end for me, I'm feeling rather sentimental. As one tweet said, "Valentine's Day is just a reminder to us to not lock to the love in our hearts away. It is meant to be shared!" (@LlewellynBooks)

I am sharing mine with all of you, including my lost beloved, across cyberspace.

Hope you have a wonderful day full of love and light.

Namaste.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: healing, love, relationships, romance

The Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences

I'm very excited to announce that my short story "Dust on the Davenport" has been accepted by The Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences for inclusion in their podcast anthology!

This podcast anthology is a companion to the book Phoenix Rising: A Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences Novel, by Pip Ballantine and Tee Morris (available for pre-order), and the first episode will be reaching your ears early in March.

All three of us will be at the Steampunk World's Fair in May.

Splendid. All 'round.

-_Q

Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: paranormal romance, romance, short story, steampunk