O.M. Grey's Blog, page 46

Breakup > Suffering Abuse

[image error]Over the past few months, I've read countless accounts of women (and men) who have been lied to or trapped in an abusive relationship for years if not decades, and it simply breaks my heart.

One woman was engaged to be married to Mr. Wonderful after dating him for two years. Then one day, a few weeks before the wedding, he announced he was moving to Asia to be with his wife. Yes. Already married this entire time. And he just up and abandoned the woman who had trusted him. Wonder how much his wife knows. My guess, nothing.

And he lives to destroy more lives. Without remorse. Without responsibility. Without consequences.

Another woman whose ex is a narcissist, spent 35 years with him before she discovered his pathology. Or, perhaps to be more accurate, she knew earlier, if by no other way than through the abuse and misery, but did not leave because she had children with this man and had built a life with him. She was committed to him, but he was committed only to himself and his needs. Ultimately he left her.

I remember my first relationship in college. I wasn't happy after about the third month. He was neglectful and cruel, but I just couldn't bring myself to leave him because I loved him too much. He was my first love and had no trouble bringing himself to leave me the following month. So short lived, but I was devastated nonetheless. Once I got over him, which took far longer than the relationship had been, of course, I saw that the best thing the man ever did for me was leave me. No doubt.

But we are unable to see that truth until we are far enough away from the abuser. Unfortunately, many people are never able to create that initial distance. We see ourselves as too connected to the person in question to even think about life without them, even if it diminishes our view of ourselves. This woman says that she sees herself like a "dog chained to his box."

These words deeply hurt me. No one need ever feel like this, but the narcissist has an uncanny ability to inspire such unhealthy attachments while destroying their partner's self-esteem. Before the narcissist's victim knows what hit them, they are in too deep. This is why the narcissist is so very dangerous. And it is why every expert's advice is to run in the opposite direction from a narcissist as quickly as possible.

Sadly, most people who fall in love with a narcissist don't see the psychopath until it is far too late. If you think (even suspect) that you know a narcissist, please read up on it. It will help you let go. It certainly helped me.

Breakup, no matter how difficult it might be to accept, is far greater than suffering another day of abuse. This woman who had been with her narcissist for 35 years says it's hard to move on after so long. After 35 years, she knows no life without him. But in order to heal her sense of self, she must behave as if her narcissist is dead. For the man she loved is…because he never existed. It's a very hard reality to face. Hard enough after a few months. I can't even begin to imagine the pain after 35 years.

The only thing I could tell her was that she had given him 35 years…did she want to give him another 5? Another 2? Another day? This woman is 60 years old and starting again. She's watching her husband charm a new woman–fool a new woman–and she is unable to do anything about it. She cannot warn her, for who would believe it of such a handsome, charming man?

I say that's your first clue: charming. Seriously.

If s/he's charming and handsome and witty and seems oh-so-perfect.

Take a closer look.

That beautiful mask falls away far too quickly, and you see the heartless ogre beneath. By then, you're hooked in deep.

Take a closer look.

Don't be this woman in 35 years wondering what happened to your life.

Take a closer look.

The best thing he ever did for her is leave her. Now she just has to realize that. With the help and patience of friends, she will see it. I know I did.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Steampunk Spotlight: Avalon & Me, Review

Thank you to the lovely Talloolah Love for this new review of Avalon Revisited!

Here's an excerpt:

I think the most remarkable thing about our anti-hero, is that he is so flawed, one really should hate him.  He's appalling.  But you cant help but fall for his rakish charm.  You realize that the one thing that has gotten him through the ages is running away from the past by being inhuman and burying himself in 350 years of carnal pleasures, both euphemistically and literally.  It is Avalon who shatters his entire way of life by first looking like his lost love (Catherine of Aragon), then by being someone loyal and caring who he could truly fall in love with.  It makes him relive and face his past, it makes the trivial pleasures he so relished seem fruitless.  His existential crisis got a bit tedious, but it did not make me hate him, just made me want to slap him around a little bit.  It's a love story, its a suspense thriller and it's a mystery with a quick cameo of Sherlock Holmes and Watson themselves for the well versed in Sir Conan Doyle's work.

Read the entire review in the Steampunk Chronicle.

Filed under: News & Reviews, Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: arthur, o.m. grey, olivia grey, review, sex, steampunk, vampires, victorian

Calling All Sky Pirates

There is much talk about eBook piracy around the internet, but for the emerging author, obscurity is far more frightening.

Today, along with my alter-ego, begins a piracy experiment. In the constant struggle to be seen with 800 new books published daily (and that doesn't count eBooks), I want you to steal my Amazon Gothic Romance bestselling novel Avalon Revisited.

The Kindle version of this book is what hit and stayed on the Amazon Gothic Romance charts for over four months, and now you can download it for free.

Each month, Avalon Revisited's Kindle edition consistently sells between 40 and 60 copies. It's currently ranked at #58,326 in the Kindle Store (4/14 6:36 am).

It's currently ranked at #184.411 on Barnes & Noble.

Here is the experiment:

Click here to download a .zip file of Avalon Revisited . It contains the PDF, ePub, html, mobi (for Kindle), and others. No matter which eReader you own (or if you read on your phone or computer), you should be able to read one of the zipped files on your preferred device.
If you download the free eBook and feel the need to give me something for it, you can donate $1.99 (or any amount) to PayPal. Certainly not necessary, but appreciated.
For the Kindle, you can buy it for $2.99 from Amazon here.
For the Nook, you can buy it for $2.99 from Barnes & Noble here.
For every other eBook reader, you can buy it for $2.99 from Smashwords.

I'll keep track of my Amazon & BN rankings, Smashwords downloads, PayPal donations, and free downloads from the above link over the next six weeks. At the end of May, I'll post the results.

Furthermore, spread it around. Tell everyone. Post the .zip files anywhere you like. Leave a comment here (anonymously if you prefer) and tell me where you post it, then I can Tweet it to my followers.

Tweet it, too. "Steal @omgrey's book. She wants you to. http://tinyurl.com/4xkdjqw #free #ebooks #steampunk. Plz RT"

Use the buttons at the bottom of this post to share on your networks.

-_Q

Additionally, I'm giving away the eAnthology, Caught in the Cogs, Vol. 1. It is a collection of short stories, poetry, and articles, most of which have been taken directly from this blog.

—->STEAL IT

Alternatively, you can buy it on Amazon, B&N, or Smashwords for $2.99.

What do you think will happen?

Will Avalon Revisited find its way back to Amazon's bestseller list? Or will it sell fewer copies because I'm giving them away here? Will buyers seek out my other titles? Will anyone donate through PayPal?

I'd love to hear your predictions, as well as any questions or concerns about piracy in general and how that might affect authors.

Filed under: Events & Contests, Lost in the Aether, News & Reviews Tagged: amazon, author, avalon, book, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, postaweek2011, romance, sex, short story, steampunk, vampires, victorian

Sex as a Gift

Respect.

That's what it's all about.

Too many men treat women as a sperm receptacle, a warm ejaculatory tool, and then walk away. Sometimes run away. Afraid of commitment or of losing themselves or a number of other unfortunate reasons. The women are left feeling used and tossed aside, and it's not fun.

Show some respect.

Sex is a gift.

Seriously.

And it's not always (although it is usually and therefore stereotypically) men who devalue sex. Sometimes women do, too. They use it for a tool or a ploy or a manipulation tactic.

Sex is a gift two people give to themselves and each other. It can be beautiful and hot and wet and ecstatic, and it can be horrible, too. Whatever it can be, it's almost always intense. There is no other way two people can explore and experience each other, physically as well as emotionally.

These great lines are taken from the Torchwood episode "Out of Time:"

"There's nothing casual about what we just did. Sex shouldn't be devalued. Both parties should give it 100% concentration. Because when you take off together, its the next best thing to flying."

Sex shouldn't be devalued. Ever.

What many men don't seem to understand is that sex for most women means something. They are quite literally opening up themselves and taking another person into their body. It's highly intimate and profound.

Respect that.

Every sexual act does not need to lead to commitment or marriage, so don't hyperbolize my meaning here. Friends can have great sex, the coveted "friends with benefits" arrangement or "fuck buddies," but don't assume it means nothing. It doesn't have to mean the rest of your lives, but acknowledge that your friendship is likely on a deeper level than your friends with whom you don't have sex.  Just ensure you are both on the same page, or it could be disasterous for your friendship.

Certainly there is nothing wrong with NSA sex or just hooking up. Nothing at all. It can be very liberating and fun for both parties, just don't assume she understands that. The default feelings for women are much deeper when it comes to sex. For most women, they need to feel a certain connection with a man before allowing them in.

It is a great gift for a woman to let you enter her body. Treat it as such.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: honesty, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: Abney Park

Today's Steampunk Spotlight shines on the amazing Abney Park.

I think it's safe to say that if you are at all active in the Steampunk subculture, then you have already heard of Abney Park. If not, it's high time you did. They are the country's premiere Steampunk band, and they appear at several Steampunk conventions across the land in addition to their regular tour schedule.

Listen to their unique and beautiful sound:

Sleep Isabella, the song that seduced me.

Their website is among the most splendid I've seen. Do have a look and explore. www.abneypark.com

Although their landing page is highly impressive, be sure to click "Enter Site" on the right for access to even more Steampunk goodness, goodies, and information about the band members, including ways to connect with them online.

Coming this fall, a tabletop RPG (Role Playing Game) based on the songs of Abney Park!

Learn more at Airship Pirates.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: abney park, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk

When Does Silence Become Complicity?

Last night I watched an episode of Torchwood that was highly disturbing. "Sleeper," it was called, and it was about a sleeper agent alien.

A couple's home was invaded in the middle of the night. Masked men violently broke in, knocking the husband out and terrorizing the wife. Who knows what they would've done had her sleeper alien not come out and stopped it, severely maiming them. The woman/alien had no idea she was an alien, thus the sleeper part.

Suddenly, everyone is concerned about the dying abusers. Really? These two men who broke into someone's home in the middle of the night and terrorized a couple? For all we knew, they would've raped her. Killed her. Who knows. But everyone is worried about the dying criminals.

Whatever.

The members of Torchwood proceeded to terrorize the clueless woman, accusing her of being an alien. She had no idea, of course, and they could see she was terrified; but they continued just the same. Relentless. Sadistic.

This was very upsetting because it's common, like the stories about a homeowner being sued for injuring the criminal intruder during a break-in. Really?

Why does this society protect predators?

Twenty years ago I was sexually harassed by a professor. I don't mean being called baby or sweetie, sexually harassed. I mean abused, molested.

I was naive, of course. Twenty years old. He was 45. He was brilliant, and he showed an interest in knowing me. I stupidly thought it was for my intellect.

The first time it happened, we were in his office. I came by to discuss literature, but we didn't discuss literature. He closed the door and told me how each time he looked at me in class he'd get a hard-on. And, he said, all he could think about was how much he wanted to fuck me. His words. Then he came over to me sitting on his office couch, and sat on the arm beside me. He forced my hand to the last place I wanted to touch.

I was disgusted. Mortified. Humiliated. Confused. Scared.

Soon thereafter, I made some polite excuse to leave. I, of course, didn't want to hurt his feelings.

This predator. This fucking abusive authority figure taking advantage of his position…and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Honestly. Where does one learn that?

I wish I could say that was the only encounter. I just wanted to forget about it. But I never have.

Although I told a friend or two, I never told anyone at the University. I thought it wasn't worth ruining a man's career over, right? Destroying his life? His reputation?

"Silence is the abuser's greatest weapon."

How many other girls were humiliated because I said nothing? Harassed and worse.

And still, I don't type his name. Twenty years later, I'm still protecting him.

Of course, had I told then, it would've been me on display. Humiliated again. A respected professor's word against a stupid young girl. Perhaps I would've been blamed, saying I was "asking for it." Because that's all too often the way victims of abuse are treated in our society. The abuser–the predator–is protected and excused, and the victim of abuse is humiliated. Called a "home wrecker," "career destroyer," "petty," "vindictive," etc.

Victims of abuse are shamed into silence and try to move on. Predators count on that. And in doing so victims devalue themselves and empower, not to mention protect, the abuser. So he is free to continue his abusive behavior with countless others.

I wrote a blog a few weeks back entitled Ethical Responsibility that touches on this in another scenario.

How many other women have been hurt because I stay silent?

Does my silence empower me or devalue me?

Does my silence protect me from further harm?

It certainly protects the abuser.

Speaking out is not about hurting the abuser; it's about stopping the abuse. If we stay silent, the abuse continues. Is the silent then partially responsible?

Tell me, when does silence become complicity?

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: abuse, healing, infidelity, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, relationships, sex, shattered

When Does Silence Become Complicity?

Twenty years ago I was sexually harassed by a professor. I don't mean being called baby or sweetie, sexually harassed. I mean abused. Molested.

I was naive, of course. Twenty years old. He was 45. He was brilliant, and he showed an interest in knowing me. I stupidly thought it was for my intellect. The first time it happened, we were in his office. I came by to discuss literature, but we didn't discuss literature. He closed the door and told me how each time he looked at me in class he'd get a hard-on. And, he said, all he could think about was how much he wanted to fuck me. His words. Then he came over to me sitting on his office couch, sat on the arm beside me, and made me touch said erection.

I was disgusted. Mortified. Humiliated. Scared. Confused.

I made some excuse to leave soon thereafter. I, of course, didn't want to hurt his feelings.

This predator. This fucking abusive authority figure taking advantage of his position…and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

I wish I could say that was the only encounter. I won't go into any more detail.

I told a few friends, but I never told anyone at the University. I thought it wasn't worth ruining a man's career over, right? Destroying life as he knew it?

How many other girls were humiliated by him because I said nothing? Harassed and worse.

How many others?

Of course, had I told, it likely would've been me on display. Humiliated again. A respected professor's word against a stupid young girl.

Because that's all too often the way victims of abuse are treated in our society. The abuser, the predator, is protected and excused, and the victim of abuse is humiliated. Called a home wrecker. Career destroyer.

So we keep quiet and try to move on. In doing so we devalue ourselves and empower, not to mention, protect the abuser. So he is free to continue said abuse with countless others.

Tell me, when does our silence become complicity?

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: Abuse

Embracing the Cougar Within

Yes. I've aged into that category, I'm afraid. Quite an eye-opener, really.

I remember several years ago, a close friend told me something his grandfather had said, "My attraction to women remains the same as it's always been, but there is a definite point where I turned from a potential lover to a dirty old man."

Interesting perspective, that. I remember when I was seventeen, a thirty-five-year-old man was ancient, but a guy 16-21…HOT.

Now, of course, a 17-year-old boy looks just like that. A boy. Once they mature into their early twenties, though, they're all man in my eyes. Have you seen Daniel Radcliffe lately?! Rawr.

Seriously.

But now, thirty-five year-old men are beautiful, too. Even men into their 50s turn this forty-something's head. Middle-age has given me a broader range of attraction, ranging from about 22 to late-fifties, sometimes older. But when do I become unattractive in their eyes, especially the younger ones?

Just a few months ago I was propositioned by an early-20-something man, and it was very, very tempting. What a 20-something saw in this 40-something writer, I have no idea, but it was more than just a little flattering. Regardless, I did not indulge.

I really love men, and I really love sex. I'm a very happily married polyamorous woman, and I adore my husband. I'm fully aware how lucky I am to have found such an amazing man & partner with whom to share my life. But I still really love men, and I really love sex.

I'd love to have about three or four regular lovers. I have a rather insatiable appetite, as it were, but I'm not at all interested in casual NSA sex. Whatever. Give me mutual respect and friendship and love, someone with whom I have an intellectual, as well as sexual, connection. Not easy to find, needless to say. Such a connection happens far, far too rarely. I'm so fortunate to have found it once in this lifetime with my husband. Perhaps more is just greedy.

But I want more.

Recently I have enjoyed the (platonic) company of several young men over the past two months at conventions, and I'd be lying to say that I wasn't more than a little attracted to one or two of them. But I'm also very aware of the age difference, likely moreso than they are. Certainly I must look like a cougar on the prowl to them, for their eyes and tastes are set to wo/men nearer their own age.

Right?

The term "cougar" has gained in popularity in our culture in recent years, or perhaps I've just noticed it since I turned 40. With Cougartown on prime time now and even with the MILF from American Pie all those years ago, the time of the cougar is now. They even have a website: http://www.dateacougar.com/

Wow.

When the word "cougar" comes up, perhaps images of Demi Moore and Courtney Cox come to mind, but this is the first definition of "cougar" in the Urban Dictionary.

An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity — particularly the true hotties — as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

I'm not so sure I have my "shit together" anymore now than when I was 22. I also don't frequent clubs nor do I try to "score with a much younger man," and I've most certainly not had any plastic surgery. Still…if I'm attracted to a man, I don't think of his age first. My mind is most definitely already somewhere else; however, I'm curious to know how younger men view older women overall. Need I keep my flirtations to myself lest I come across as a creepy-old-woman, or do younger men in general crave an experience with an experienced woman?

So tell me, gentlemen, what do you think of older women?

Sexy & experienced? Or just a cougar on the prowl?

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: The Astonishing Amulet of Amernartas

Today's Steampunk Spotlight is a double treat! First, it's time for the third installment of Tales from the Archives! Then, the official book trailer for Phoenix Rising.

This podcast anthology is a companion to the book Phoenix Rising: A Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences Novel, by Pip Ballantine and Tee Morris (available everywhere on April 26, 2011. Pre-order your copy today!).

This week's short story "The Astonishing Amulet of Amernartas" was written by Nathan Lowell.

Agent Heathcliff Durham finds himself crisscrossing Africa, looking for an Amulet that could spell disaster for any who come near it. Battling blistering heat, starvation, wild animals, and despair, he is not comforted by the company of a rough and ready sort named Morrison. Soon Durham begins to suspect he may never return home—and to top it all off the tea has almost run out.

—>Listen to Episode Three "The Astonishing Amulet of Amenartas"

Also feel free to listen to my short story again

—>"Dust on the Davenport," Episode Two in Tales from the Archives.

Subscribe in iTunes to ensure you don't miss anything.

-_Q

Special treat! The official book trailer for Phoenix Rising, the first volume in The Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences series from Harper Voyager.

These are dark days indeed in Victoria's England. Londoners are vanishing, then reappearing, washing up as corpses on the banks of the Thames, drained of blood and bone. Yet the Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences—the Crown's clandestine organization whose bailiwick is the strange and unsettling—will not allow its agents to investigate. Fearless and exceedingly lovely Eliza D. Braun, however, with her bulletproof corset and a disturbing fondness for dynamite, refuses to let the matter rest . . . and she's prepared to drag her timorous new partner, Wellington Books, along with her into the perilous fray.

Keep up with the authors Tee Morris (@TeeMonster) and Pip Ballantine (@BooksAndBraun) on Twitter.

-_Q

Tell me, dear readers, do you prefer to listen to stories via podcast/audiobook or read them?

Cheerio!

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: book trailer, dust on the davenport, gothic, ministry of peculiar occurences, o.m. grey, olivia grey, phoenix rising, pip ballantine, podcast, short story, steampunk, tee morris, victorian, youtube

Stuck in an Elevator

Who is the last person you'd want to be stuck in an elevator with and why?

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011