O.M. Grey's Blog, page 36

Ending a Relationship with Love & Respect (Podcast)

Episode 22: Ending a Relationship with Love & Respect

Break ups are hard. They're painful. They can be absolutely devastating and crippling, but they don't have to be. There will be pain no matter what, as you are separating your lives and redefining yourselves as no longer a couple, but that pain can be minimized with significant effort and communication. You owe it to yourself and to your SO/spouse to ease through the transition together. After all, you have been very special in each other's lives. There is no reason why you need to stop knowing each other (except, of course, in cases of abuse). Sometimes relationships must end, but they can end amicably, with love and respect.

Ending a Relationship with Love & Respect (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk [image error] [image error]

Yes Means Yes

Five weeks ago I posted a very personal account of a sexually coercive event and the subsequent emotional fallout in a post called No Means No. Most everyone has been overwhelmingly supportive and kind. My tale caused strong reactions by professional therapists, friends, colleagues, and readers. From horrified solidarity to an assessment of predatory behavior all the way to borderline (some claim undeniable) sexual assault, people have validated that this situation was not in the least bit okay. While I don't feel that it was sexual assault, as I never felt in danger nor was I drugged, I have accepted that it was at least coercion, which does border on sexual assault and can lead to sexual assault.

Jaymee Goh, a dear friend and colleague, pointed me to a blog called Yes Means Yes where I did a lot of reading on this issue of what is and is not sexual assault, and through this research, I learned about the term Enthusiastic Consent.

I love this.

I love the power Yes Means Yes gives as opposed to being forced to give a 'No.'

Perhaps Tobias Fauntleroy of White Mischief and Kinky Salon UK put it best in an @reply via Twitter:  "it seems he never sought a yes from you (yes means yes). He waited for you to say no, unfairly placing all responsibility on you." This brief response to my blog post inspired a very extensive DM conversation about consent, one I thoroughly enjoyed and learned much from. Tobias is very active with Kinky Salon, where they strictly adhere to and actively promote enthusiastic consent. Special thanks to Tobias for taking the time to talk with me about this sensitive issue as well as point me in the direction of the very informative SkepChick blog.

Yes. Means. Yes.

There is not a single yes or no when it comes to sex. Sex is a series of unfolding events. Perhaps it starts with a look and progresses with a kiss, pulling each other closer, roaming hands, removal of clothes, breasts, genitals, oral, hand manipulation, intercourse, etc. It's an series of events. One yes doesn't give consent. Meeting a kiss enthusiastically does not give consent through the rest. Unless every step is met with enthusiastic consent, stop. For example, if your partner stops you from putting your hand down her panties or taking them off, you don't proceed by pulling them to one side and doing what you want anyway. That is not consent. You have just taken the next step of events even though your partner clearly tried to stop you from doing that.

That is not consent. Have I mentioned?

If your partner is pulling your hand away from an area of her/his body, you don't fight their removal. You remove your hand. Period. Fighting the removal is not consent.

This is where it borders on assault. You are moving forward without consent. Fighting the removal of a hand is coercion at best, sexual assault at worst.***

While looking for a picture to pilfer for this post, I searched Google images for "Yes Means Yes," and I was quite appalled at what was there. Things like "No Means No. 50 NOs and a Yes Means Yes." That's disgusting, and I'm looking at that with a whole new set of eyes. Because that's basically what has happened to me over and over in my life. Coercion and wearing one down to the point of why bother resisting anymore. That's where I got to that night in NYC. Why resist anymore? And I realized that so many of my past sexual encounters in my life were results of coercion, some I "consented" because I was afraid of being raped back in my early 20s. A particularly offensive picture was one that says "No Really Means Yes," and the image was a woman bound and gagged.

Really, really nothing funny about rape.

What about our society makes is okay to joke about sexual assault?

Legally, the definition of sexual assault varies between jurisdictions. The lines of what is and is not sexual assault or even coercion are quite blurred. It basically comes down to he said/she said in the more fuzzy areas, and this is where enthusiastic consent helps.

If you are moving forward without enthusiastic consent, you are toying with sexual assault.

Besides, nothing is hotter or more exciting than someone as enthusiastic to explore you as you are to explore them. Erase any doubt and wait for that yes.

-_Q

***This post and discussion of enthusiastic consent is framed in nonBDSM play. Since I don't participate in BDSM play, I often forget to make this distinction. Tobias graciously reminded me, and it is so very important to make the distinction:

"it is worth mentioning that some people, consensually, like to play kink and BDSM games which might involve fighting or apparent coercion or sometimes even continuing play despite hearing the word stop or the word no…there's nothing wrong with this as long as it's safe, sane and consensual. The boundaries need to be agreed in advance. A safeword can be used in place of "no," or a system such as traffic lights or 1-10 numbering to indicate degrees of pleasure/pain, fast/slow, go/stop whatever. So even in situations where yes would be inappropriate, there are multiple means of negotiating and confirming consent."

Still, the operative word here is "apparent" coercion. Consent is negotiated beforehand. And although they may use the word NO or play with boundaries and humiliation, all these things are negotiated first. A safeword is agreed upon in the place of "NO" or "Stop." This is still respectful of boundaries, unless, of course, the safeword is ignored. Then it falls back into nonconsensual.

-_Q

Further Reading:

Affirmative Consent As Legal Standard?
The (Nonexistent) Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Consequences of Enthusiastic Consent
On the Difficulty of "Saying No"
Legal Consent, Morning-After Regret, and "Accidental Rape"
Meet the Predators – A *MUST READ*
The Privilege Delusion


A Modest Proposal: The Thorny Issues of Sexual Consent


Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, romance, sex [image error] [image error]

Bar None Group Hall of Fame!

I'm so thrilled to announce that my poem "New York Rain" is not only a trending poem at Bar None Group, but it has also been added to their Hall of Fame!

Truly, this is an honor. Thank you so the fine people over at Bar None Group for the opportunity and honor.

Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: author, bar none group, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, infidelity, o.m. grey, olivia grey, passion, poetry, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, shattered [image error]

Steampunk Spotlight: Doctor Fantastique's Magazine

[image error]This week's Steampunk Spotlight shines on the brilliant work of Matt Delman and his Doctor Fantastique's Magazine fundraiser via Kickstarter.

For those of you who don't know, Kickstarter is a way for artists to raise capital for their creative projects. For your donation, you receive "rewards," and Doctor Fantastique's rewards are quite the incentive! Here are some of their rewards for donating to their $12,000 goal to off-set print their fine magazine.

$10 or more: Thank you on the website & shoutouts on social networks, thank you in the magazine, and a free business-card sized advertisement
$15 or more: Above, plus a copy of the Jan/Feb 2012 issue signed by Doctor Fantastique
$25 or more: Above, plus a unique hand-painted pin from Merchandise Consultant Kristin Berwald
$50 or more: Above, plus a signed copy of the July 2011 issue
$100 or more: Above, plus a Doctor's Note editorial written thanking you. (The first editorials will appear in the January/February 2012 issue).
$250 or more: Above, plus all four 2011 issues and a two-year subscription.
$500 or more: Above, plus a special letterpress item done by Calliope Strange, author of Aeryn Daring and the Scientific Detective: A Serial Novel
$1000 or more: Above, plus a feature article on a topic of your choice to run in an issue of Doctor Fantastique's Show of Wonders. (Feature articles will first appear in the January/February 2012 issue)

The following is from Mr. Delman, himself, and it originally appeared on his blog Free The Princess as well as on the Kickstarter Campaign itself.

The Project

Doctor Fantastique's Show of Wonders magazine has as its mission statement "Reporting on the Steampunk world, one cog at a time." So far we've done that through website updates, and recently through a print-on-demand print magazine. We've met with some success doing this, but there are a few major problems with doing a POD magazine:

The price is $15 per issue, with $17.63 being the real cost when you figure in shipping.

We can't offer subscriptions, which means people have to spend $17.63 every single time they want a copy.

We're limited when it comes to various back-end aspects of the magazine, which includes colors, paper quality, paper type, and so much more.

What we want to do is take the magazine to a traditional offset press. This will allow us to do a LOT of very, very exciting things with the magazine. Imagine if you will a traditional Victorian magazine, one that readers in New York City or London of the 1890s would enjoy off the newsstand. Now take that same magazine and have it covering a subculture which seeks to emulate the optimism of that period.

Suffice to say, we want to create the new Doctor Fantastique's Show of Wonders magazine as a Victorian magazine using the same or similar types of paper, similar typeface, and be able to offer things like subscriptions, single issues for sale at US$6.99/CD$8.99 as opposed to $17.63, and be able to sell these to you at conventions as well as other Steampunk events.

We want to take the magazine to offset in order to make a better product for you, the fans of Steampunk. In order to do that though, we need your financial support. We're running on a shoestring budget as it is, and though we're offering subscriptions on our website right now, we want to offer another way for you to support our mission.

So if you want to see Doctor Fantastique's become the best magazine possible, and believe me we're going to knock your socks off, please donate whatever you can.

The Goal

Your donation is meant to help with the first 3 issues of 2012 — January/February, March, and April. Getting us to our goal of $12,000 will allow us to go to offset press and begin offering the magazine for sale at conventions, via our website, and also ship things out to subscribers.

If you want to subscribe, we welcome that support as well. Head to www.doctorfantastiques.com and click on the Subscriptions link to sign up.

Spread The Word

If you don't want to donate, please blog about this project, mention it on Twitter and/or Facebook, and generally talk it up. We love our readers and our friends, and are tremendously grateful for any help we can get.

If you want a sample of the magazine so you can see what you're supporting, please email Matthew Delman, Publisher/Executive Editor.

-_Q

This project will only be funded if they reach their goal by Wednesday, November 23rd. Please donate whatever you can, every dollar helps, and spread the word in your social networks.

PLEDGE HERE —–> RIGHT NOW! 

Sweetening the pot…

If you pledge at least $25 to their campaign and comment here that you've done so, I will send you a free eBook copy of Avalon Revisited or The Zombies of Mesmer in the eBook format of your choice.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, doctor fantastique, doctor fantastique's show of wonders, fundraising, kickstarter, magazine, matt delman, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk [image error] [image error]

New Rewards!

Kickstarter project update!

I've added a $50 reward where you get all three novels. "Lady Grey's Private Library"

The $250 reward, now called "The Gold Pocket Watch," gives you not only the Private Library, but also a short story with the protagonist named after you!

Lastly, the biggie $4000 reward is not only a private party with me & a night of literary debauchery, but also contains the fully developed character in my new novel.

If you'd like to pledge a certain amount & feel that the pledge doesn't match the reward, please don't hesitate to suggest something else. I'm very open to suggestions.

Please pledge (feel free to change your current pledge) and share with your networks. Less than a month to go!

Filed under: Uncategorized [image error] [image error] [image error]

When Your SO Says No to Polyamory (Podcast)

Episode 21: When Your SO Says No to Polyamory.

Opening your marriage or LT relationship takes a lot of time, care, and effort. It's not going to happen overnight. It's probably not even going to happen in a few weeks or months. It may take years. The timeline all depends on how open and honest your relationship currently is and how much work you put into it. All relationships take effort, the best ones take the most. Take the time and love to talk with your SO and truly get to know each other. It is so very worth it.

When Your SO Says No to Polyamory (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk [image error] [image error] [image error]

Emotional & Sexual Predators

The term "Sexual Predator" covers a wide gamut of predatory behavior. Most research on the subject has to do with the pedophiliac sexual predator, one who preys on children. The level of ew that comes with that is bottomless. These are very sick people who need serious help, and although I can empathize with damaged people overall, being emotionally damaged myself, when those issues hurt other people, especially but not limited to children and animals (the innocent), my empathy falls short. Bottom line, they are dangerous. Get away. You cannot help them. Save yourself. Save your children.

Today I'm going to focus on the largely ignored sexual predator, those that prey on adults either in person or via the internet. Let's start with this list on Sexual Predator Warning Signs from Dr. Phil's website, although he is talking about those who prey on children, many of the warning signs are the same.

Refusal to take responsibility for actions and blames others or circumstances for failures
A sense of entitlement
Low self-esteem
Need for power and control
Lack of empathy
Inability to form intimate relationships with adults (inability to commit)
History of abuse
Troubled childhood
Deviant sexual behavior and attitudes
Often offend where they won't get caught — when they have misdirected people's attention
Often married or in relationships
Offend when the victim is handy
Not always strangers, often family members, family friends and neighbors
Most attracted to adults
Good manipulators (seduction is an integral part)
Overly self-indulgent
Arrogant
Sexualize, objectify women
Users of various kinds of pornography
Typically known as rationalizers, intellectualizers, justifiers
Great helpers — are there to lend a helping hand — prey on people in need, when they can insinuate themselves in your life
Use stressful and vulnerable situations to get in — they find a need they can fill and they use that to get next to the victim

I've bolded the signs that I've personally experienced with more than one predator. They will undoubtably be extremely charming and seem very sweet and gentle at the start, perhaps even throughout the relationship. With their words at least, but you must look very closely at their actions. Do their actions match their words? Remember, that is how one builds trust: Words + Supporting Action + Reliability over Time = TRUST.

Narcissists may be the most dangerous type of sexual predator, but not all predators are narcissists. Please watch out for the signs, trust your instincts, and protect yourself.

Let's take a look at this list more closely. Many people have low self-esteem. Many people have had a troubled childhood or been victims of abuse in it's varying forms, from neglect and verbal to emotional and physical. These alone do not a predator make, but they are symptoms.

One of the biggest indicators of sexual predators is a sense of entitlement or grandiose sense of self. One person described himself as having a "typical performer's ego," and he wasn't kidding. However, I've known many performers throughout my life, actors, musicians, etc., and most of them are not sexual predators. Dear friends of mine told me that as a performer, you must think you are the most amazing thing in the world when you are on stage. For your audience to believe it, so must you. But they also stressed the importance of shutting that off the moment you walk off stage. In other words, it's part of the act, not part of who you are. So if the person who has caught your eye has an inflated ego or an inflated sense of entitlement, beware. These people can never accept blame. They believe they are beyond the rules. They take criticism as baseless attacks and turn quickly to rage or giving the cold shoulder. These and other signs can be found on Think Like A Black Belt. Well worth a read, as they go into more ways to spot a predator before they prey on your emotions, your trust, and your heart.

True narcissists, or even those with severe narcissistic tendencies, will make you feel as if you are the most important and special person in the world, "then emotionally distance themselves in ways that keep you unsure of yourself." A very dangerous thing about people like this is that they are incapable of empathy, but they fake it very, very well. And therein is where the difficulties lies. They are so very believable. They are so very charming. They seem so loving and caring and seem to be opening up, but it's all a facade. A very convincing facade.

If they are married or in a committed relationship and are telling you that their SO doesn't understand them or doesn't make them feel loved or some variation of that, they are quite possibly a predator. They are putting their needs and selfish pleasure above integrity, above giving their SO the respect of a choice. Not all cheaters are predators, by no means. Sometimes they really just don't know what else to do and fear is crippling them. Sometimes it's their only way out, but most of the time, they are predators.

Still. Married/committed people stepping out (or trying to step out) is a HUGE RED FLAG. They will justify their actions indefinitely. They will not take responsibility. It's their spouse's/SO's fault for not understanding them or not being the person they want them to be. They'll believe things like online sexual activity or even in-person sexual activity is not cheating. A blow job isn't cheating. Unless penis enters vagina, it's not cheating. Balderdash. If you are watching porn behind your spouse's back, it's cheating. If you are chatting with another wo/man via text or online behind your spouse's back, it's cheating. If you can't tell your spouse about it or, better yet, do it with them right there, it's cheating. It's a betrayal of trust.

Women as well as men can be sexual predators, so look for the signs. If you see these signs, be careful and look more closely for more signs. Have them earn your trust and the privilege of holding your heart over time. And you, in turn, show them that you can be trusted by meaning what you say and doing what you say. By opening up and sharing your fears. By respecting yourself and your boundaries first, then respecting them and their boundaries as well.

A very prevalent form of sexual predators are those online. They troll Craigslist and Twitter, and they are sometimes very creepy and can be spotted a mile away, but all too often they are charming and sweet. They play the sympathy card. They're not understood. They "could really fall for you." They usually won't meet you in person, but sometimes they do. They toy with your emotions, perhaps filling a void and making you feel special and cherished. They excel at that. But, as I've learned from several victimized women, these predators are doing this exact same thing with multiple victims, men or women. So be very careful with online interactions. Please don't get attached or give your heart before you at least meet them in person. Remember, behind the protection of the internet wall, one can pretend to be anything. Talk to others. If on Twitter, DM other wo/men to whom the person in question often interacts, and just see if they're experiencing the same type of communication. There are *so many* predators on Twitter, and they prey on lonely people. It's uncanny, really.

What is the internet, if not a narcissist's dream come true?

~Tony Long WIRED magazine

I really can't emphasize enough how very charming and sweet they seem, both online and in person. They can turn on the tears to gain your empathy. They are masters. Be careful. Please. Be careful.

Take your time. Watch for the signs. Protect your heart without locking it away. It's a fine line. Build trust between you over time.

Undeniable signs that you've encountered a sexual predator:

they do not respect your boundaries
they do not wait for a "yes" (enthusiastic consent) before sexually moving forward
worse, they don't accept "no" for an answer.
they sexually or emotionally seduce and coerce, masterfully. The real experts can even wind words to make it seem like it's your idea.
they use their position or social status to pressure you
you feel nauseous or anxious – your body's warning system

Please read more over on the Think Like a Black Belt blog, where they teach " physical, mental and emotional self defense against unsafe people." I'm sure going to be spending some time there as well as on the Yes Means Yes blog. Next week, I'll be talking about Enthusiastic Consent. Please join me then.

Also look at these articles on the subject:

The Blame Game of Emotional Predators
Defense Against the Dark Hearts
Signs and Traits of Emotional Predators

If you think you may have encountered a Narcissist, do your due diligence for your own protection. No one can suck your soul or shatter your self-esteem like a narcissist can. Months, if not years, of recovery.

Surviving a Narcissist
NarcSpeak – what narcs say along with the translation of what they mean
Sam Vankin's prolific site. By a narcissist, about narcissists.
How to Spot a Narcissist
How to Recognize a Narcissist
Narcissism 101

As for NarcSpeak, this is my current favorite:

I don't think you and I talking would do either of us any good.

Since you have me figured out and won't buy any more of my b.s. I can't face you. You scare me and you might just reveal more of the sick predator I am.

Please remember, although I've posted many links and information about Narcissists, as they are severely dangerous, they are not the only kids of predators. Look for the signs, and if you see more that two or three, take a step back and give them time to earn your trust over time. Ensure that their actions match their words. And ensure your actions match your words, too.

You are worthy of love, honesty, integrity, respect, time, and reciprocity. If someone isn't willing to meet you on your level and respect you and your boundaries, they are not worthy of you, not the other way around.

Peace.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: abuse, abusive mentality, author, broken heart, emotional predator, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, postaweek2011, predator, relationship advice, romance, sex, sexual predator, shattered

Steampunk Spotlight: SteamPowered Cause

Today's Steampunk Spotlight shines on an amazing group of people within the Steampunk community who are trying to mobilize Steampunk's across the country and world to help others. The information below is directly from the organizers Geneviere DeLeMonde and Robin Thaxton.

A Steam Powered Cause is a group of Steampunk individuals that want to raise awareness and show support for various communities and causes, expanding more on the thought that Steampunk is indeed a community full of caring individuals.

They have a few projects/causes and are seeking support from the Steampunk Community.

The first concept was created by admin Robin Thaxton, part of the LGBTQ community.  She wants to get together and collect 'Steampunk It Gets Better' videos from various members of the Steampunk community and submit them under one channel. watch other It Gets Better videos to get an idea of what they're looking for, but it's mainly to help out people in the LGBTQ community who are being bullied or are having a difficulty with social acceptance due to their sexual preference.

All these videos will be uploaded to a single channel. Visit SteamPowered Cause on Facebook for more information or to contact the organizers.

Please share with your networks.

The second is for raising awareness for Breast cancer. It is a series of photo shoots by volunteers, hopefully taking place before/during October. Geneviere is setting up shoots and concepts in the San Antonio area, and she encourages others to take the lead on this in other parts of the county. I'm very proud to announce that I will be participating in a photo shoot with Geneviere in the Austin area for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

The Facebook discussion board for the photo shoots can be found here.

Their hope is that individuals who have their picture taken will set it as their profile picture across social networks for the month of October, or at least post it on their Facebook wall/blog. Geneviere says that there are plenty of spam messages going around to females about setting a status with some obscure meaning, but that doesn't do much to raise awareness.

The third is a concept also developed by Robin Thaxton and is related to the NO H8 campaign. Their largest problem with the NO H8 campaign is that the photos aren't something that one can do on their own. They have to wait for an official shoot to come into town and then do the photos.

The positive highlight is that it ensures people are donating to the cause. Although understandably, money is tight everywhere. They also have rules on what one can/can not wear- so one might have to get creative. They say a white shirt- so maybe one could make it into a white vest, black hat, white goggles… I don't know. Just something on the slightly bit creative.

At the moment, the price goes for $40 individual shots, $25 per person in group. One can find details about when the next shoot at:

http://www.noh8campaign.com/events 

-_Q

In addition to the work of SteamPowered Cause, here are a few more Steampunk's working to help those less fortunate.

First is James Conrad Agin's event: 2011 Steampunk Christmas Charity Event, scheduled for December 10th. Facebook Event Page.

Second is by Clockwork Couture, also for Breast Cancer awareness:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=10150256307515896

http://www.facebook.com/?q=#/note.php?note_id=1015026969491589 

-_Q

Please visit SteamPowered Cause on Facebook & follow them on Twitter.

 

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, breast cancer, breasts, cancer, charity, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk [image error]

Opening Up to Intimacy (Podcast)

Episode 20: Opening Up to Intimacy.

Intimacy is terrifying for many people, but it is essential for healthy, happy relationships. Building intimacy takes courage, not only the courage to open yourself up to another person, but the courage to trust another person as well, especially if you've been badly burned in the past. Open up that communication with your spouse/SO now. Please don't wait another day. It is so worth the effort.

For Better or For Worse (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Emotional Vampires

[image error]I really, really love vampires. Especially Spike. And, of course, my Arthur. They are sexy and mysterious and tortured and totally romanticized in modern literature and other forms of entertainment. Some aren't, of course. Arthur, although redeems himself with love, is a right cheeky bastard, really. Quite sadistic. Even the evil monsters are fun on the page or on the screen.

But in reality, they truly suck.

I'm talking about emotional vampires. These creatures are characterized by the way they make people around them feel. The term "emotional vampire" has a rather wide range of definitions and can range from that needy friend with unending problems and negativity to the more predatory narcissist & other types of sexual predators.

Let's focus on the latter type, the ones who are very dangerous in intimate relationships. In past posts, I've spoken about that indescribable connection that happens all too rarely. Unfortunately, that connection doesn't not necessarily mean you've met a soul mate, and I believe we all have many "soul mates" in this world, ones that manifest as family, friends, and lovers, or if they are a "soul mate," it doesn't mean they are a healthy soul mate. Sometimes we meet people who touch us deeply, but they end up being dangerous to our lives and our emotional well-being. After the seemingly unending pain has subsided, we find that they came into our lives to teach us something.

Basically, an emotional vampire is someone who drains you. Like their romanticized fiction counterparts, they enter your life with charisma and charm. They energize you, making you feel as if you found someone truly special. At the beginning, it is intoxicating, as you are giving freely to each other, but before long, the emotional vampire stops giving and just feeds off your love and affection. Perhaps at first you give more, trying to bridge that gap and recapture the connection you first felt.

Here is the crucial part and so very difficult to see when it's happening because there is an ebb and flow, ups and downs, in any relationship. But when you feel your beloved or friend pulling back, you need to pull back yourself, no matter how painful it feels. Certainly for me, I have a tendency to give more when that happens, but I'm learning. If their giving returns, that's great, but still beware because they might just be giving you a little dose just to pull back further the next time.

As a very intensely loving person, things happen very quickly for me if I feel that connection with someone, but after some crippling falls, I'm starting to purposely slow things down. And that's the same thing I recommend to you. Slow down. It takes time to build trust. Trust is built when actions meet words over and over and over again. This might take weeks, months, or even years in some cases for people who have been greatly injured or victims of abuse in the past.

Relationships are work. Period. They are not easy. If it's too easy, then look closely. The falling in love part is wonderful and relatively easy, but one must work on communication, both being heard and truly hearing what your partner expresses, building trust, and deepening intimacy. Forever.

As long as communication is open in a relationship, as long as both are trying to make things work and don't shut down, then almost anything can be worked through.

SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ENCOUNTERD AN EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE

(from "Emotional Freedom" by Judith Orloff MD)

•    Your eyelids are heavy—you're ready for a nap

•    Your mood takes a nosedive

•    You want to binge on carbs or comfort foods

•    You feel anxious, depressed, or negative

•    You feel put down, sniped at, or slimed

Listen to your body, it will tell you what's going on when your eyes are blinded with desire or with love. During a fairly recent encounter that ultimately ended with considerable pain, I felt nauseous for most of that evening. That was my body telling me RUN! VERY VERY FAST! — but I didn't listen. I chalked it up to nerves or just the moral dilemma, but it was my biological fight or flight instinct kicking into high gear. Anxiety is the body's warning siren. Listen to it. Please.

So, I'm not saying run at the first sign of trouble, by no means. Relationships and people are complicated and require great amounts of energy, commitment, and work. Don't run, unless there are huge red flags showing a predatory or abusive nature, just put on another layer of armor and tread cautiously until that trust can be built. Stay open. Stay honest. Express your fears and encourage your beloved to do the same. You both have emotional baggage. Everyone does starting from early childhood. All this plays into the person that you are and the person that s/he is, just watch for predatory and abusive signs.

And that brings us to the topic of Emotional and/or Sexual Predators, which will be the topic of next week's post. See you then, my friends.

-_Q

Have you had an experience with an Emotional Vampire? Feel free to share publicly in the comments or privately via email. Were there warning signs you either didn't recognize or chose to ignore?

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, emotional vampire, emotional vampires, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, postaweek2011, predator, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, sexual predator, vampires