O.M. Grey's Blog, page 38

New York Rain

Warm summer night in New York City

Rain falling

Landing on my cheek

Foreshadowing the tears

That would be there tomorrow.

A gentleman, you said.

Friendship, you said.

Respect, you said.

And I believed.

The heat in your eyes convinced me.

Now silence.

Yet, New York.

The beauty of New York

The intensity of a moment

The promise of magic

Lost.

An illusion of the past,

For this moment is empty

Except for the tear

That echoes the rain

That framed the kiss.

There just yesterday.

June 2011

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, new york city, non-monogamy, nyc, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, poetry, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

For Better or For Worse (Podcast)

Episode 17: For Better or For Worse.

As in the traditional marriage vows, we promise to stay together for better or for worse. And yes, in rough times like through financial difficulty or illness, we must honor our commitment to each other and work through it, but what if the "worse" is losing love and respect for each other. What if the "worse" is emotional or physical abuse? There are things far things "worse" than ending a relationship that is not serving either of you.

For Better or For Worse (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

No Means No

No means no.

Period.

If a man coerces you into a sexual situation after you've said no, multiple times especially, then you seriously need to look at this man. He does not respect your boundaries, and he does not respect you.

No means no.

I hope that my experience typed out for all to see helps other women (and men) avoid the chaos and seemingly unending pain that follows when one gets involved with someone like that. The crippling pain that's the result of not following your own moral code and not respecting yourself.

I have learned, again and again, that I am really far too nice for my own good. I'm a loving and nurturing person by nature, and I have a self-destructive tendency to put other people's feelings before my own. I'm really working on that, because it causes a world of pain.

This past May, I met a man who seemed to be the sweetest, gentlest man I had ever met, save my amazing husband, and I was deeply drawn to him. Brilliant performer and over all nice guy, so it seemed. He had me quite fooled for three months, actually. Still, the initial attraction was obviously mutual, and I had already cleared it with my husband, if things were to go that way. And went that way they did.

As I got to know him better, and really was more and more into him as the night progressed, the conversation eventually revealed that, although there was no ring on his finger, he was for all intents and purposes, married with a daughter. Crestfallen, I backed off. But still, I knew he would make a good friend and colleague, for we had an undeniable connection. We continued to chat, excusing ourselves from our friends periodically to share a cigarette in the rain and talk more privately.

He told me how unhappy he was in his relationship. He said he didn't know if they were going to make it. He told me it was an instance of two people who shouldn't have had a kid, but they did. And now he felt stuck between what he needed to do and what he wanted to do.

Then he propositioned me. And although every cell in my body wanted to go back to his hotel with him, I knew I couldn't because of his situation. It's one of the rules. And I told him so. He said, "Really? We're going to come this close and not do this?" I just told him I couldn't. I told him I would rather have him as a friend and a colleague than a one night stand.

He asked why we couldn't have both.

Now say it with me…

BECAUSE YOU FUCKING CAN'T

Still. So sweet and charming. He said how much he fancied me, and I sure did fancy him. He said he wanted to kiss me, and there on that romantic rainy night in NYC, I let him. What could one kiss hurt?

I can answer that question now. Nearly four months later, and I see that one moment of weakness caused all the pain that was to follow.

I should've said, "Absolutely not. This is not going to happen. I'm going back to NJ to my hotel now, and we'll stay in touch as colleagues." But I didn't say that. I kissed him, and it was amazing. Seriously. Changed my life.

I continued to protest his continuing seduction throughout the evening, telling him that he would be asking me to go against who I am to do this, but I kept letting him seduce me just the same. I told him I didn't do casual. He said, "Just let me love you for tonight," and, of course, the famous, "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. We can stop anytime."

I was nauseous, actually. All night. He stopped for a slice of pizza, but I couldn't eat. I stopped next door and got some antacids to calm my nervous stomach.

Finally, as the evening drew to a close, we shared a cab. I told the cabbie to take me to the train station where I could catch the last train back to NJ, but he said, "No. Take us here." And told the cabbie the address of his hotel instead.

Even while in his tiny hotel room, I tried to leave. Twice. Knowing it was wrong. But he physically stopped me, both times. And the seduction continued. And I begrudgingly let it. Halfway through that night, he told me his partner was eight months pregnant with their second, and that he probably should've told me earlier.

You think?

I didn't ask him, but I wish I had: If you shouldn't have had the first kid, why are you having a second? After nearly four months I can answer that, too. Because he is incapable of dealing with conflict on any level. He pushes problems aside, thinking it's easier just to ignore them. And that saddens me deeply.

He told me that after seven years he hadn't strayed until just a few weeks ago at another convention. He told me he had never had a one night stand. That he was a long-term relationship kind of guy, and with tears in his eyes, he told me how he hasn't felt loved in years. He told me how he was going to leave his GF after the baby was a year old. My deep ability to empathize felt a nurturing sort of love for him even then. I love so deeply, and I could help this sweet man feel loved.

I trusted him, a man who was cheating on his family, on his unborn baby, and I trusted him. Yes. Quite a character flaw in myself, to believe the best in people. I do understand that when basic biological needs aren't being met, people make unfortunate decisions, but was it really an excuse?

After that night, not only physically intimate one but also deeply, emotionally intimate, something he obviously wasn't used to, I expected that it would fade into a special friendship or close working relationship, as we do some of the same shows.

We stayed in contact after his return home, and we acknowledged how that night was magical and special…and then the emails started to get more and more romantic. Long, heartfelt emails expressing love and desire and longing. DMs after shows, lamenting our distance. And it continued.

And I fell in love. No, we fell in love.

I had even asked him early on if this needed to remain a fantasy between us, and he said no. He wanted a real relationship with me with all the ups and downs.

I planned a trip to England, not just to see him, but he was definitely the catalyst. Just one afternoon, just a few hours of conversation, was all I hoped for. The rest was to write a book.

Our love affair grew, and then, the day before I left for a seven week trip alone, he left me. Turns out his partner asked him if he was having an affair the night before, and it scared the shit out of him. I have no doubt he denied it, but it scared him enough to cut me loose.

Six week whirlwind, and it was over. Just like that. At the height of it all.

He said he was determined to make it work between us as friends. He said that we would ease each other through this transition. He said that we wouldn't hide anything from each other and it would be okay. Just a shift in focus, no less meaningful, just not wrapped in lies.

That lasted for two days.

Upon my arrival in the UK, there were travel issues. Cut off from my networks and unable to call my husband in CA, I felt as if I hadn't a friend in the world. My beloved was just a few miles away, but he refused to see me, even for a few minutes.

After a very stressful phone call with him, I realized that if I didn't do something totally against my nature, I would lose him for good. I proposed we take a four week break in communication so he could get himself sorted. He was under so much stress with me, the pending arrival, his career, a suspicious GF, and his day job, that it was just too much. So a break we took. I spent the next four weeks holding onto a fading hope of reconciliation, hoping that he meant it when he said he was determined to make things work…Paris. Normandy. London. Weeks of tears and questions and the inability to do anything, write, read, or even watch movies. The only thing I could do was walk for hours or talk about this to anyone who would listen. Friends and strangers, alike. Trying to find a way to regain my equilibrium and loss of self-respect.

And at the end of those four weeks, he wrote. He was supposed to call. I would never have a real conversation with him again. He said that although I had been on his mind, we could only be friends. I sent him a message basically saying that when he was ready, no matter how much time he needed, I was here. I still believed in him. I did ask him one favor, and that way to not refer to our love affair casually or in passing. That was just too painful. If he wanted to talk about it seriously, I was happy to do that, but just not as an afterthought or an aside.

He didn't respond well to that message.

He threatened to cut off all communication with me if I couldn't agree to only friends now and forever, so I told him that I didn't expect anything romantic from him and wanted to be friends.

That next week was awesome. We exchanged emails almost every day, and although ignoring the huge elephant in the room, it seemed we were in the awkward early stages of a meaningful friendship. Although he did refer to our affair in passing in nearly every one, his emails were affectionate and loving in tone, but not overly so. Just from a person who seemed to genuinely care.

Then silence.

Not another email until the day I was returning to the states. The tone now cold, somehow. And there was one line referring to my trip that had me breathing fire."I know it had a bit of a sad start, but you seemed to turn it into something unforgettable and wonderful." Seems innocuous enough, I suppose. But I was shaking with anger. "It had a bit of a sad start" – completely removing himself of any responsibility.

All my hard work of trying to come from a place of love and understanding came crashing down. It was from this dark place that I wrote the guest post "Puck My Life." I felt as if I had totally lost who I was. The loving, empathetic doormat who had gotten me in this situation to begin with was gone, and a rabid bitch stood in her place.

He had referred to our affair in passing again, making me feel even more insignificant than ever. I was furious. Finally, I guess, I was getting angry. After a very long flight home, jet lagged and exhausted, I sent him a very angry email basically telling him he hasn't shown me or his family any respect whatsoever, that he needed to take responsibility for his actions.

He didn't respond well to that email.

He said that we had best just leave it here. That he would never live up to my expectations and after I said all that he no longer wants to.Yep. My fault. My expectations are too high.

After a week of healing at Burning Man with my husband, I returned to my loving self and felt guilty about that email. So, against the advice of my husband and several friends, all who said I had nothing to apologize for and the guy deserved far worse after the way he had treated me (and his family), I apologized for the abuse. The email was loving and healing, and it reiterated what I had said in that voice message a month before, I wasn't going anywhere.

I had no expectations. I told him that if he chose to be in my life again, in any capacity, he would be most welcome, but that I accepted it was over and was letting go.

I never expected to hear from him. After all, he had gotten his out.

But a little over a day later, I did! I was so happy! His email was short, but kind. He said how much he appreciated my lovely words and he would write again when he had time to sit down and do it properly. He signed it "lots of love."

I was thrilled! I thought we could salvage a friendship and a working relationship after all! I didn't know what he was going to say when he wrote in full, but I knew it wouldn't be we shouldn't talk anymore, because if he was going to say that, then why would he have written in the first place?

Lines of communication were open again, and as long as we were communicating, we could work out anything. His reply told me he really cared about me. Above all, it told me that the loving, gentle man I saw–when everyone else just saw a heartless bastard–was really who he was.

Not.

Honestly, I'm so fucking naive. It's embarrassing.

A few days ago, the end of this three-plus-month saga, I got that "proper" email from him. The tone, once again, was cold. And he said that he was glad we were on good terms, but we shouldn't be in contact anymore. I couldn't believe it. I read the lines again to make sure I was reading them properly. I was. He said maybe we could meet for a drink next year sometime at an event and catch up, but that was that.

I DMd him asking if we could just have a real phone conversation, just 15 minutes. That he owed me that much. I knew so much of this was the misunderstanding of communicating on the internet, but he harshly said, "It's not going to happen."

Now. If I only could've said those five words four months ago.

The last thing he said to me was this: "That's it from me. Take care of yourself."

And I cried. Again. All day, really. But no more. Not one more tear over him.

I offered him love, and he spat it back in my face.

I offered him friendship, and spat it back in my face.

He gave up on me. He gave up on us. He gave up on love.

Loss of a lover and a friend. Loss of two doghters after 14+ years of companionship.

All in three months.

It's been a rough summer.

Please know that I am deeply ashamed for my weakness in this situation, and although I was open and honest with my husband and my lover every step of the way, I allowed myself to be part of another deception. And for that woman who is still oblivious to who her husband really is, I'm so sorry that no one gave you a choice in this manner. You deserve far more respect than that.

I didn't follow my own rules. I let a man coerce me into betraying my own moral code, and this is what I get. I didn't have enough self-respect to stand my ground. I somehow kept thinking that if he would show one shred of integrity, it would somehow be okay. But none of this is okay. And now, comes the end of this long, rambling confessional. Letting it all out and letting it go once and for all.

It's over. There's nothing more to say.

Salting the fucking earth.

All this is because one person wouldn't take no for an answer and the other was too weak to stand her ground. And this is the price. Months of crippling pain. Hope dashed again and again. Humiliated. Too high a price for a moment of weakness.

But there it is.

No. Means. No.

Respect yourself. Respect each other.

And don't fucking give up on love. It's too rare, too precious.

-_Q

**Author's Note** I almost didn't post this. Although many of my blog posts are personal, this is far more detailed than most, far more revealing. I was afraid. But then I received an amazingly brave message from a friend and reader telling me about a time she was coerced, nearly raped, in her case. She was afraid that she would be raped if she didn't give in, and I remember feeling that way many times throughout my twenties. She was responding to my post "When Does Silence Become Complicity?" And I knew, after reading her story, that I could not stay silent on this matter. This happens to far too many women.

No fucking means no. Seduction with consent is still seduction, still coercion. Still not okay.

As for now, I must heal and forgive myself. I hope my readers can forgive me, too — for going against my own advice. For this blog and my honest posts have brought me new friends and readers. It has brought to light many a wrongdoing. Couples have been brought closer together by taking my advice. I so hope that my grave mistake, for which I've paid too dearly, will not tarnish the information herein. Perhaps it will serve to show that the rules are in place for a reason, that honesty and integrity, even for a relationship that is ultimately not your responsibility, must be adhered to no matter how charming your potential lover might be.

There are real fucking consequences.

I look forward to your comments and to discuss this further. Peace.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: broken heart, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Steampunk Spotlight: Penny Dreadfuls

From the same steampunks who brought you the wonderful podcast series "Tales from the Archives," the Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences has now released that short story series on Kindle!

Introducing the $0.99 Penny Dreadfuls!

Now you can get "Dust on the Davenport" as well as the rest of the collection right onto your Kindle for just $0.99 each.

In addition to these, some of my own short stories, and I'm *so* going to start calling them Penny Dreadfuls (how delightful!), are also available for $0.99 on Kindle. Others are free! Check them out.

And look for a new short story in a few days time.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: amazon, author, kindle, ministry of peculiar occurrences, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, pip ballantine, podcast, short story, steampunk, tee morris, victorian

Versatile Blogger Award

The coolest thing happened to me the other day. Alphasiren nominated me for a Versatile Blogger Award, which in essence, means they presented me with the award itself. I'm everso pleased for the kudos, plus I found a really cool non-traditional relationship blog site in Alphasiren (and more that they listed on their page). And they have an awesome blog on non-monogamy themselves! Totally check them out.

The Versatile Blogger Award is a way to give recognition to other bloggers you follow and whom others might not yet have discovered. I am deeply honored that Alphasiren chose me.

There are four simple rules for The Versatile Blogger Award:

Post a link to the person who gave you the award thanking them for the award. Yea.
Tell your readers seven random things about yourself.
Award up to 15 newly discovered blogs.
Send them a note letting them know you nominated them.

7 Random Things About Me:


I'm an ethical vegetarian and have been for the better part of 20 years. Huge animal lover and advocate, giving a voice to those that have none. Up until very recently, I had a wonderful little canine/feline family: 3 dogs and a cat. And they were my kids. Unfortunately, I've lost two to death this summer, so it feels like my family has been cut in half. Still, I still have a dog and a cat, and I love them dearly.
The perfect outdoor temperature for me is about 55F, grey skies, and rain. Really need to move to England. Or Seattle. I like to be just a little bit cold so I can get warm by putting on a hoodie or a sweater, or cuddling up with someone special in front of a roaring fire.
I need copious amounts of loving attention. If I don't get it, I get rather grumpy and sad. I'm fortunate that my husband is very affectionate. And while he's away at work, I get my fix from online communities and friends. So…talk to me! (@omgrey)
I have a very deep capacity to give and receive love, all kinds of love. So deep that it scares a lot of people. A friend this summer said this about me, and it meant the world to me:

"Unlike a lot of people in this world, you are very good at commitment. Almost too good. When you make a friend, you totally commit to them, you give everything you can and more then you possibly should, even when it's at your own expense.

You are a deeply caring individual, when something is important to you, you share it with the world around you. A lot of people are too selfish to do that, why share something that important and personal? But you? You want to help make the world around you better and help the people around you to be better."
 I don't fall in love easily, but when I do, I fall very deeply. The men in my life come before anything and everything else. And I have a tendency to hold onto to things long after I should've let go. I'm working on it.
Autumn is my favorite season. The fall colors just make me smile. Pumpkins do, too. It's when I put my baking mittens on and start making all sorts of yummy treats. This would be a great time to have children, because I end up eating it all myself! And Halloween, by far my favorite holiday. So dark and delicious!
I have dreamt of living in England for 27 years, and I'm determined to make that dream a reality sometime in the next decade. I'm an amateur Anglophile, and I often know more about English History than that scepter'd isle's inhabitants. My degrees are in British Literature, and although I don't have a drop of British blood in my veins, my whole heart and soul are British.

Awesome Blogs to Follow:


Lesism. Seriously. Read every single post the man has written. Excellent writing. Poignant and inspirational posts. This is my new favorite blog.
Terrible Minds. Chuck Wendig's blog on being a working author. He's very funny and his writing is superb. He challenges me to become a better writer.
GoatBoy73. A new blog, just about a month old, but his posts are painfully honest and real. I admire this blogger's courage and envy his writing style.
AdrienneCrezo.com. Extremely talented writer and all-around awesome person. Her blogs are not only exquisitely written, but they are truly varied and versatile.
OpenMarriageBlog. I just found this blog thanks to Alphasiren's list, and I love it. It tracks an open marriage through the ups and downs–and near divorce–because they didn't lay clear ground rules at the outset, something I've spoken of in this blog.
Alphasiren. I'm so following this blog now. Wonderful, open & honest posts about life and love and the open lifestyle.
The Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences. A new podcasted Steampunk short story every fortnight. And now they're available via eBook Penny Dreadfuls, too! (Yes, that includes my "Dust on the Davenport" story. Check it out!)
A Newbie's Guide to Publishing. Konrath. Self-publishing guru's blog. He tells it like it is, folks, and he's making a mint doing it.
Dean Wesley Smith. Another man who doesn't pull any punches with the publishing industry and the harsh truths of its changes.
Beyond Victoriana. The awesome Ay-leen the Peacemaker's blog on Multiculturalism in Steampunk. Brilliant.
Doctor Fantastique's Show of Wonders. The delightful Matthew Delman's blog on all things Steampunk (plus a magazine, too!). I've had the honor of writing as a convention correspondent for this blog once or twice. Awesomeness.
Christine Rose. Okay, so this is cheating. But it's my blog, so nyeah! My alter-ego's blog and podcast on topics around publishing and marketing for the emerging author.




Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: adrienne crezo, alphasiren, author, ayleen the peacemaker, beyond victoriana, Christine rose, chuck wendig, dean wesley smith, doctor fantastique, j. a. konrath, les floyd, lesism, ministry of peculiar occurrences, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, pip ballantine, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, tee morris, terrible minds, versatile blogger award

10 Years Ago

A few months ago I wrote a post called "10 Years From Now." When I started writing that post, it was going to be very, very different than it turned out. But I had gotten crippling news that morning, so it ended up being what it was. I won't speak about that occurrence anymore, as I'm sure you're all as weary of reading about it as I am writing about it…and especially feeling it. I'm much better now. Still healing, but better.

And today, the tenth anniversary of 9/11. I didn't want to write about this either, but it seems I must.

Like everyone else who was alive and old enough to form narrative memories on that horrible day, I remember exactly where I was when I heard about the attacks. I remember the questions that came pouring in, the exaggerated death toll, the fear of what it all meant. I remember feeling scared and confused. It proved to be the beginning of a very interesting chapter of my life, one that was to last nearly six years.

We had just gotten back from our first year at Burning Man less than a week earlier, and I was still recovering from dehydration. For weeks after that day, I watched the news during every waking moment, someone who never watched the news. I remember going for a long weekend retreat to a Buddhist Temple in an attempt to make sense of it all. The climate in the US for those many months following 9/11 was quite totalitarian. It seemed that freedom of speech had been replaced by an eerie silence, for if anyone voiced doubt about the official story or questioned the actions of the government, they were told to either shut their mouth (for someone might hear!) or they were called a terrorist sympathizer.

We couldn't even ask questions.

When I heard, I had just gone into work. At the time, I was working as a massage therapist in Chico, CA, and the appointment was one of my regulars. It couldn't have been a very relaxing session for him, because all we talked about was the attacks. And he asked some interesting questions. He asked how it could happen in a country with a military might as strong as ours. He hinted at how things just didn't add up. He suggested that our government must've at least known something was going to happen with our excellent intel. I just listened in horror. But all those questions he raised sparked more in me, and I started reading everything I could around the attacks and the workings of the government, which just led to more questions.

All those questions around 9/11, along with the then-pending war in Iraq, evolved into my first film: Liberty Bound, a political documentary. It was my first of two films during this period in my life, one of great political activism and working in the film industry. In 2007, that time came to an end. I've left politics behind and have never looked back. For I could see how it had affected me over the years, and it was turning me into someone I didn't want to be.

Now I write fantasy books for my own sanity.

And here, 10 years later, I think about that awful day and the senseless loss of life. Whoever was behind it or who knew what when ultimately doesn't matter. The result is the same. I remember editing Liberty Bound, watching that footage over and over and over again, crying uncontrollably. Shouting "they could've done something" over and over and over while watching the jumpers, while watching terrified people hang out of windows hoping to be saved. And I just couldn't understand why they weren't. Yes. Perhaps they could've done something to prevent it, to stop it while it was happening (before the second plane hit, before the pentagon), but they didn't.

What is, is. Nothing can change the past. It happened, and we remember with love and regret those lost on that day.

Perhaps our nation could've responded differently. We had the sympathy and support of the world after 9/11. That is, until Bush destroyed that sympathy and turned it into a severe antipathy. War after war. Arrogance and aggression. Millions more dead. This nation turned the tragic deaths of a few thousand people into millions, and bankrupted the country by doing so.

What is, is.

It's funny to read some of the old reviews of my film all these years later. I'm such a different person now than the woman who made that no-budget documentary back in 2003. Still, I suppose it touched some people, and for that I am honored.

So today, don't celebrate. Mourn the deaths of all those people who died on 9/11…and who died because of 9/11. Acknowledge that killing more people in another land and spending trillions doing so doesn't bring the victims of 9/11 back to life. It doesn't rebuild the World Trade Center's Twin Towers.

Let's decide in our hearts that we won't let that happen again. Ever.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: 911, author, death, new york city, nine eleven, nyc, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, september 11, shattered, terrorist attack, twin towers, war

Three's A Crowd

I wrote the story below for a Writers' Bootcamp. Experimental, using only dialogue.

I highly *highly* recommend Jeremy C. Schipp's Fiction Writing Bootcamp. Great exercises. Great feedback.

Thanks Jeremy! X

WARNING: Explicit Language Follows

-_Q

"It could be fun!"

"Fun? You think it would be fun? I–I just don't know what to say. What to think!"

"You know that I love you, my darling. You are everything to me."

"Then why do you want someone else?"

"I only want someone else if you're there, too."

"So you want to fuck her and have me watch?"

"Well, not really."

"You want to fuck me while she watches?"

"No. I mean, it's not like that."

"Then what is it like, Jack? Tell me, what exactly is it like?"

"Well, you know, a man has–"

"Needs? So fucking help me, Jack. If the next words out of your mouth are 'needs,' I'm going to fucking punch you in the nose."

"You know things haven't been all that hot lately, and…well…I'm just looking for, I dunno, something different? New? Exciting? Work with me here, Joanie."

"Okay. Let's just say, for argument's sake, I say yes. I'm not saying yes, Jack, so just calm the fuck down. But let's pretend for a moment. You have one dick, Jack. How are you going to fuck us both? In tandem?"

"I dunno how it will work. I mean, I've never done this before, but I thought it might be fun, for both of us."

"Fun for me? You think there's not enough societal pressure for women to be tight and hot and sexy and smart and every-fucking-thing? You think it would be fun for me to be comparing myself, my body, to another woman's while we're all in bed? While I'm watching you fuck her? How exactly is that fun for me, Jack? You know what I think? I think you are thinking of only yourself. That's all. What a fucking surprise that is."

"No, Joanie. I just thought…forget it."

"You just thought what?"

"I just thought it might be fun. You know, spice things up a bit. What? What's that look?"

"I know. Oh yes! I've got it. I think you're right. I think it would spice things up, nice and hot all right."

"Really? I mean. There's no reason to be jealous. It's you who I love. Inviting someone else in would just be to, you know, experience something new."

"Okay. I'll agree on one condition."

"Name it! Anything!"

"The third person we invite in to spice things up is a man. A nice hot beautiful man with a big cock. That's right. That will spice things right up, and we wouldn't have that, y'know, only one penis problem. I think that is exactly the ticket. After all, baby, it's you I love, so what's the big deal?"

Filed under: Short Fiction Tagged: author, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, short story

You Don't Turn Me On (Podcast)

Episode 16: You Don't Turn Me On.

In every relationship, as time progresses and the real world settles in, sexual and passion often fall to the side. Instead of looking elsewhere for that euphoric fix, try reconnecting with your spouse/SO first, opening communication, and talking about your options together.

You Don't Turn Me On (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Is S/he Into You?

Recently a reader wrote to me and asked if I could write a post on how to tell if someone is into you or attracted to you. Man, if I knew the answer to that, I'd be rich. Really, really rich.

Still, there are signs, but we always are faced with a fear of rejection and the nagging question if we're reading too much into the signs. Openly talking about polyamory, especially with someone knew, can immediately sound like a proposition, whether or not it is, so we must proceed with caution. In fact, this very thing happened to me rather recently.

There was a man to whom I was quite drawn, and I fancied he was attracted to me, too. We flirted a bit, but when my husband came up in conversation, as I never hide him away, I felt this man withdraw. If the person in question is a respectful person, they're not going to tread on one's marriage or primary relationship. So if they don't know you're polyamorous and they back off, then they're likely interested, but respectful. If they don't pull away, then it might just be flirtation for the sake of flirtation, also fun, or they're not respectful of your situation. It's a judgment call at this point, and dependent on your agreement with your SO.

But if you think they're interested you can test the waters by bring it up casually in conversation. When in this situation, I texted a friend for advice, and he told me to talk about my blog. Seems rather obvious now, so I did. I talked about how rewarding it's been to have gained a larger readership though discussing relationship issues on my blog. I told him how I talked about things from abusive relationships, broken hearts, and alternative lifestyles like polyamory and swinging. And that readers responded! I went on to say how liberating it's been to talk about it under this persona, things I would never talk about under my real name for fear of family/friends freaking out. As I said in last week's post, it's none of their business anyway. Then I casually mentioned that my husband and I were polyamorous.

Worked quite well, actually.

So, feel free to use this blog series as an opener to the topic. If they're interested, they'll continue with the flirtation. And you might just get lucky.

This issue plagues everyone open to a new lover/relationship, but it is much more complicated if you're poly. Never lie. Never hide your primary away. Never deceive. This new person must make their decision based on the reality of your situation.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: Blogging Superstars!

For today's #SteamTuesday, the Steampunk Spotlight shines on some brilliant bloggers and lovely people.

First, thanks to Aaron of The Airship Vigilant and Nancy from Overbury Ink for including me and my blog Caught in the Cogs in their top five blogs! I'm truly honored.

I started blogging as a way to market my fiction, but lately I've become much more a writer of nonfiction on my blog. And I enjoy it. I write about relationships and personal struggles and steampunk, and I've even started podcasting, and I love it. Blogging has given me an outlet for expression. It's connected me with new, lovely people. It's helped people deal with relationship issues, and of that I am extremely proud. Some have even written to me for relationship advice or dropped a line to tell me how my blog has touched them or helped their relationship in someway. It is incredibly rewarding.

Until recently I wouldn't have categorized myself as a blogger, but that's most certainly what I've become, and I have other wonderful bloggers to thank for that. I'll continue to write what's in my heart openly for the whole world to see, and I always appreciate your comments. In fact, I love your comments! Please keep them coming and always feel free to email me privately as well.

Below are my top five blogs. Check them out, as they are well worth following.

1. Beyond Victoriana: The fabulous Ayleen the Peacemaker explores multiculturalism in Steampunk, reports on conventions, and offers reviews. I had the pleasure of spending some time with this amazing woman at the Steampunk World's Fair.

2. Overbury Ink: Excellent blog on all things Steampunk and the creator of #SteamTuesday. Thanks to Nancy's support over the past year. She blogs on Steampunk artists, musicians, authors, and more.

3. The Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences: The website and blog of Steampunk authors Tee Morris and Pip Ballentine. Their Tales from the Archives podcast series is especially wonderful (I have a story in there called "Dust on the Davenport").

4. Lesism: This blog I just found a few days ago, but it has quickly become one of my favorites. Les Floyd eloquently (and wittily) writes about spiritual awakening and being in the present moment. There are also fun fiction stories and videos!

5. Terrible Minds: Chuck Wendig's blog on being a penmonkey. Excellent and entertaining resource for writers. Even if you're not a writer, you will enjoy his unique and humorous voice throughout this great blog.

Thank you all for your continued work.

To take part in passing the thanks forward, all you have to do is:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

Have faith that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

And most of all – pass the fun forward!

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, ayleen the peacemaker, beyond victoriana, blog, blogging, chuck wendig, les floyd, lesism, love, ministry of peculiar occurrences, o.m. grey, olivia grey, overbury ink, pip ballentine, postaweek2011, steampunk, tee morris, terrible minds, the airship vigilant