O.M. Grey's Blog, page 34

Intolerant of Intolerance

This blog covers some pretty controversial topics. No doubt. And I love love love love to get comments from readers, even when they don't agree with my opinions on a certain subject…as long as they're respectful.

This is, after all, my place.

Emphasis on *my*

So be nice to me, otherwise I'll delete your comment, and I won't even feel a little bit bad about it.

Like I said, most people who comment are AWESOME! They're either adding to the conversation or asking really great, challenging questions. They're supporting my work by offering words of encouragement or praise, and I love you all for it. There are days when a comment or an email from a reader is what keeps me going, as I don't get paid to write all these posts or record the podcasts. So it's very validating to connect with readers on a personal level because they're living an alternative lifestyle are curious to learn more about it…or perhaps they're suffering abuse or heartbreak, and it's just nice not to feel alone. Regardless of the reason…PLEASE!!! Keep commenting!

I truly love it!

However…

Very, very rarely, I'll get a troll-like comment by someone who was offended by something I said or misunderstood something I wrote or just is intolerant of any idea outside of their own.

I'm not a fan of intolerance, really. Not even a little bit. It's hatred. It's judgement. It's bullshit, and I really just don't have time for it or for those who are being intolerant.

You might say I have an intolerance for intolerance.

Ironic, I know. But there it is.

The other day I got one of these rude comments from an intolerant, insulting, judgmental person (it wasn't the first and it certainly won't be the last), and I responded less kindly than I normally would. I usually just delete them, but I've been practicing standing up for myself after my challenging year, so I did just that. It's funny because I joked with myself and my husband after I replied by saying that I was "intolerant of intolerance." This rude person commented back being even more offensive and judgmental than before. Of course.

I deleted all three comments because I learned long, long ago that one cannot argue with ignorance. I wasn't angry or upset or even offended. I was just bored, really.

As I've said countless times before, life is too short to deal with assholes.

Perhaps in my middle-age I'm growing more intolerant across the board, for when it come to loving, intimate relationships, I'm also intolerant of liars and cheaters. I'm intolerant of deception. I'm intolerant of cowards*.

But…I'm intolerant of those concepts, mostly.

Individuals who need help or guidance or just someone to talk to…people who have been liars and cheaters and cowards in the past (because who hasn't been at least one of these three things?) and who recognize that in themselves and want to find a better way, become better people…others who want to find out how to open communication with their partner and learn who they are…

To those people, I'm very understanding and very loving, and as many readers have discovered, my email door is wide open to chat about whatever it is on your mind. I do love to give relationship advice and clarify things written about in my blog.

…as long as you don't attack me or insult me or judge me…

Because this is my place, my little corner of cyberspace.

Be nice and respectful when you're in my place.

So please, please keep talking and commenting and asking questions. If you don't agree with me or my lifestyle, feel free to tell me and spark a discussion, just do so respectfully. There are some great examples of respectful comments from those who don't agree >>here<< and you'll see my respectful responses in kind.

I LOVE debate. I love to think and rethink issues. I love to be challenged. I love to challenge others. I love to push boundaries of understanding. I love to talk with others about relationships, philosophy, communication, and alternative lifestyles.

BUT

If you judge me or my lifestyle…

If you attack me and insult me…

If you come to my place and display your assholery…

I'll delete you.

So, play nice. Because, yes, life is too short to deal with assholes, and I really have so many better things to do than to argue with the ignorant or the arrogant.

This is a place of safety, of understanding, of honesty, and of open-minded love.

Please treat it as such.

-_Q

* re: "Cowards" – I'm using this word coward to describe emotional cowardice. Everyone has fears, and a person's fears are very important to them and should be to their SO. We all struggle with fears and ways to minimize or overcome them. So being afraid of something does not make one a coward. Sharing fears with a SO/spouse certainly does not make one a coward. A coward is someone who allows said fears to completely dominate their behavior and choices, hurting themselves and everyone around them. When a fear of intimacy or engulfment translates into using people for sex or leading them on emotionally and then casting them aside because one cannot handle deepening emotions or true intimacy, that's cowardice. When someone is so afraid of losing their family/spouse/SO but don't have enough courage respect for said person to talk with them before stepping out and fucking other people behind their back, that's cowardice. When someone is utterly miserable in a relationship and turns to alcohol or drugs to cope instead of communication and counseling, who doesn't have the courage or respect to either discuss how things could be better or end the relationship so that both parties can move on and possibly find happiness, that's cowardice. I hope these three examples clear up what I mean when I use the word "coward."

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, hatred, honesty, intolerance, intolerant, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: New O. M. Grey Books

Behold the beautiful new cover for my forthcoming anthology Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection, designed by the amazingly talented J. R. Fleming of the Airship Isabella.

Both the paperback version of the anthology, containing a dozen short stories, thirteen poems, and twenty-six relationship essays, and the YA Steampunk Paranormal Romance The Zombies of Mesmer will be available via Amazon.com NEXT WEEK!

That's right.

NEXT WEEK!

About Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection:

In the midst of war, a beautiful young officer finds love aboard an airship…

A woman steals away to fulfill her desire with a phantom lover…

A group of thieves seek out a town of women to satisfy their lustful urges, but these ladies have an agenda of their own…

PLUS nine more short stories, Angsty love poetry, and twenty-six relationship essays considering topics such as alternative lifestyles, deepening intimacy, opening communication, abusive relationships, and how to end a relationship with respect.

Steampunk fairy tales, maddening horror stories, steamy erotic fantasies, and more…

About The Zombies of Mesmer:

Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the Vampire Diaries.

The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.

You can order your Author-Signed copy of either (both) right here, right now, and it will be shipped to you in time for Christmas.

>>Buy Author-Signed paperback of The Zombies of Mesmer<<

>>Buy Author-Signed paperback of Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection<<

If you prefer to read books on your Kindle, Nook, or other electronic device, you can purchase The Zombies of Mesmer on the Kindle via Amazon, or order an eCopy of either book from me directly. Be sure to specify format of delivery (PDF, mobi for Kindle, or ePub for Nook/Sony):

>>Buy Cogs eBook<<

>>Zombies eBook<<

Thank you all for your support! (Please share on your networks and with your friends)

 

Filed under: News & Reviews, Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: amazon, anthology, author, author-signed, kindle, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, poetry, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, short story, steampunk, vampires, victorian

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (Podcast)

Episode 27: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (Podcast).

One thing that has long baffled me is the answer to the question: "Why do good people cheat?" Maslow's Hierarchy answered that for me, at least to begin to understand why, and it has to do with physiological needs trumping any sense of morality.

Still, as I've said so many times before, there is a better way if you can find the courage to talk to your partner or SO. Truly, so much less painful for everyone involved.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abandonment, author, broken heart, fear, healing, hierarchy, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, LTR, maslow, misogyny, needs, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Strength in Emotion

Unfortunately, especially for men but also for some women, people sometimes believe that feeling and expressing strong emotion is a sign of weakness, but I think it's just the opposite. It shows great strength to not only acknowledge strong feelings to oneself but also to express said feelings to a loved one. It's fucking scary.

Recently I met a young man who was in a fairly new polyamorous relationship. He was not only new to the relationship, just three months into it, but his new girlfriend also had just introduced him to the lifestyle of polyamory. He was very excited about the possibilities, and the possibilities are truly endless, but there is just one problem: for an open relationship to work on all levels, one must be comfortable (nay, enthusiastic) about expressing emotions. This young man told me that he felt strong feelings of love for his girlfriend, but he was not yet ready to express those feelings because it made him feel too vulnerable. 

Unfortunately for us both, our short relationship ended as quickly as it started, so I never got a chance to encourage him to express those feelings to her, a woman who openly discusses how her best relationships are "intimate, vulnerable, and real." One of my regrets is that I never got to meet her. From her profile, she sounds a lot like me in the way she views relationships, emotional intensity, and the importance of communication. The reason it ended so quickly is because I openly expressed what I was feeling, as even he had encouraged me to do, but he must've been rather uncomfortable with my expressions of confusion and a possible misunderstanding, judging from his reaction. He ended things before they even really began. It still makes me sad even a month later.

And although I still question that one text that was the catalyst to end a budding secondary relationship, I know I did the right thing. I've been blissfully married for 11 years. I know what it takes to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship: frequent open & honest communication. If a potential partner is unable to handle that, then it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Ending so soon does leave for many unanswerable questions, but the pain is ultimately less than finding out a month or two or six down the road. A fear of intimacy is a fear of intimacy.

"Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." ~Benjamin Disraeli"

This might come as a shock to you, readers, but I have very little trouble expressing my emotions. Sometimes it is very scary to do so, especially with a brand new relationship, and perhaps I am too eager to discuss emotions–too eager, that is, for most people. And yes it's fucking scary, for this very reason. Open your mouth, reveal your heart, expose your fears, and you might very well be left standing alone.

Herein lies the courage. This is where you need that inner strength.

It is much easier for many people to just keep their emotions to themselves, not risking the reaction of their loved one, which is often not at bad as one might expect. My example not withstanding.

A friend of mine has been trying to mend the chasm of silence between he and his wife. When they communicate, it's usually in the form of fighting. Their exchanges have become tense and unwelcome, both too stressed and unhappy to try and regain the emotional intimacy they once shared. He reached out to me for advice, and I told him what I say over and over again in this blog: you have to talk with her. Not yell at her. Not listen to her shout at you. You have to sit down and talk, reveal yourself and invite her to do the same. It took weeks of encouragement from me before he worked up the courage to do it. And when he finally did, there was no explosion. There was no threats of divorce. There was no shouting.

They talked.

They began to understand each other again.

He started to bridge that gap by just talking to her, by just expressing what he felt and asking how she felt.

I finally was able to convince him to take that leap after he told me about something he wanted to do now that it was colder, and it turned into the perfect analogy. He spoke of keeping a bucket of water outside all night long so that there was a thin layer of ice on it in the morning. Then each morning he would go out in his boxers and douse himself with the ice water, shocking his body. It's actually quite healthy. He said that the anticipation of it is far, far worse than actually doing it. After the initial shock, you realize that it wasn't so bad, that you could handle it.

And that's what it's like when you talk with your spouse or SO…the anticipation and anxiety over what they might or might not say is far worse than the reality. Ensure you preface your talk, especially if you haven't done so in years, with your intentions. Create a safe, loving space free of anger and judgments. Tell your SO that you just want to get to know each other again, that you want to be closer to them again. How could they say no to that?

So find that courage to talk with your spouse. As so many readers misunderstand, this blog is not about promoting polyamory or an open lifestyle, it is about building intimacy between two people. Because no one should even be thinking about an open lifestyle until one's primary relationship is so solid that it is unbreakable, so honest and so open that true intimacy is reached and maintained.

Communication. That's what it's about.

Find that courage, a beautiful world of truth and love await you.

-_Q

Article of interest:

"How to Release and Prevent Resentment in Your Relationships"

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open marriage, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: Airship Ambassador

Today's spotlight shines on Airship Ambassador and the amazing work of Kevin Steil.

I met Kevin on Twitter (@AirshipEmbassy), and like most people in the Steampunk community, he has always been very kind and supportive. So I decided it was long past time to spotlight what he does so well.

Airship Ambassador is a website dedicated to all things Steampunk. From breathtaking artwork on the "gallery" page to a near-comprehensive list of Steampunk literature, Kevin certainly has done his homework! The site also contains a blog, resources, events, and a store where you can buy Steampunk books at a discounted price.

From the first stop on his home page, visitors can read several definitions of Steampunk from a variety of sources, keep up with Steampunk messages from around the world, see the top Steampunk news, and learn about the Steampunk Aesthetic from The Steampunk Scholar, Mike Perschon.

Kevin also has a collection of interviews from VIPs in the Steampunk Community, including Ay-leen the Peacemaker, Nick Valentino, Pip Ballantine & Tee Morris, and Scott Westerfeld, among many others.

Connect with Airship Embassy on Twitter and Facebook. Be sure to bookmark Airship Ambassador and subscribe to his blog so you can be current on all that's happening in this growing Steampunk community.

 

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: airship ambassador, author, convention, kevin steil, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, review, short story, steampunk, victorian

Long Distance Love (Podcast)

Episode 26: Long Distance Love.

Don't listen to nay-sayers who tell you that long distance relationships don't work. They do if you want them to. Like any relationship, it's a lot of work and communication, perhaps moreso because of the geographical distance, but they are far from impossible.

Remember, don't let society define your relationship for you. You and your partner define your own relationship and what works best for the two of you.

Long Distance Love (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abandonment, author, broken heart, fear, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, LDR, long distance, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, rebtel, relationships, romance, sex, skype, steampunk

Jealousy vs. Compersion

Everyone already knows what jealousy is, some of us more intimately than others, but compersion is "a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest." (taken from Wikipedia)

Other than the "that doesn't work" knee-jerk reaction to polyamory or open relationships, the other excuse that gets automatically thrown out is "I could never do that. I'm far too jealous."

Discussion over.

Jealousy is most definitely a strong deterrent to even entertaining thoughts of an open relationship. Believe me, if you had told me 10 years ago that I would be in a polyamorous marriage with my husband, I would've told you that you were certifiably insane. After all, I'm a triple Scorpio: highly possessive and intensely jealous by nature. Throw in some serious self-esteem issues and an crippling fear of abandonment and I was the last person anyone (including me) thought would end up in an open relationship. But here I am! Happily polyamorous and talking about it publicly, no less.

Do I still get jealous? You better fucking believe it.

Is it as crippling as it used to be? Not usually.

The root of jealousy is fear. Fear of abandonment. Fear that your loved one will find someone better, smarter, sexier, more awesome, more whatever. The problem with those fears is that they are all inside the jealous person. No amount of reassurance from your beloved on its own will quell those fears. You must take responsibility for your own fears and express them to your SO without making them solely responsible for those fears. Your partner in life, spouse or otherwise significant other, does have a responsibility for your heart as you do theirs, but ultimately that responsibility lies within yourself. They can support and reassure and earn your trust, but they can't quell those fears on their own. It's a team effort.

The death of jealousy begins in honesty and trust. Remember the formula for building trust:

Words + Supporting Action + Reliability over Time = TRUST

Once that trust is in place. Once you are able to say anything to your partner and they to you. Once you talk openly, honestly, and frequently, that jealousy begins to die. The love deepens past that you could've ever imagined, loving your partner so completely if for no other reason that they love you so completely for who you are.

It's not an easy place to get to. It's not luck. It's not luxury. It's months and years of work, sometimes tears, and intense vulnerability. It's believing in yourself and in your partner. It's believing in you as a couple. It's knowing without a shadow of a doubt that the two of you will get through anything because you are a team. You've done the work. You've established a firm foundation of trust and honesty, and nothing will break that apart, certainly not sex with someone new. Sex is wonderful, but sex is sometimes just sex. Although sometimes it is sex and love, which can feel a bit more threatening, but it's really not because once you get to that point with your primary partner, you also deeply realize that love is not finite.

Love breeds love.

Desire breeds desire.

And you will find yourself loving your partner even more, even when you thought that wouldn't be possible, because they love you for who you really are, not who they think you are…not who they want you to be, but for YOU. And you love them the exact same way. From this place of deep love and trust, a sexual encounter or even a satellite relationship takes on a whole new meaning. It is more love for your beloved! It is allowing them to feel desired and be pleased by another person…because they deserve as much love and desire and fulfillment that they can handle.

Because you love them that deeply.

And that's compersion.

You are happy that they are happy. You are thrilled that they had a new experience, felt the rush of desire in a first kiss all over again, enjoyed being touched only the way a new lover can touch…etc. Then they can come home and tell you about it, or not, and love you even more for allowing them both freedom and security. And you get the same from them. It's really rather beautiful.

Compersion trumps jealousy every time because love always trumps fear, if you can find the courage to let it.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: abandonment, author, compersion, fear, healing, honesty, jealousy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: Steampunk Kindle

[image error]Today's Steampunk Spotlight shines on Steampunk Kindle!

I'm super thrilled to spotlight Steampunk Kindle today because they are running a sweepstakes with my Avalon Revisited as the prize! Just for entering, you get my never-before-seen short story "Hannah & Gabriel" in mobi format for your Kindle. "Hannah & Gabriel" is a Steampunk retelling of the Grimm's classic fairy tale Hansel & Gretel from the dark, demented mind of O. M. Grey. Along with eleven other short stories, poetry, and relationship essays, "Hanna & Gabriel" will be a part of the forthcoming Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection anthology released by Blue Moose Press on December 1, 2011.

In addition to Steampunk Kindle's cool events like this one, you can also download awesome Steampunk Kindle screensavers *for free* there, get free samples of Steampunk stories, reviews of Steampunk reads, as well as ways to Steampunk Your Kindle.

Follow them on Twitter and their Facebook page to be sure you don't miss one of their Steampunk Sweepstakes.

Go there now to read my story "Hannah & Gabriel," free just for entering to win.

Filed under: Events & Contests, Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: amazon, author, contest, kindle, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open marriage, podcast, poetry, polyamory, postaweek2011, short story, steampunk, victorian

Emerald City Steampunk Expo

Last weekend, I had the great honor of being a literary guest at Wichita's Emerald City Steampunk Expo, and I had the most fun I've had at a convention since the World's Fair. This first year convention set it's sights high, and it did not disappoint.

They scheduled me for five readings, three of which were of the steamy variety for an 18+ audience. For each reading I read a different selection, one reading from Avalon Revisited, the highly erotic first chapter of the book. At one of the readings I read the never-before-seen steamy short story "The Handy Man," and I was quite honored to have the fabulous Unwoman in the audience for that one. She really liked it.

Speaking of Unwoman, I had the pleasure of seeing her perform three times during the convention, and she was simply amazing every time. Instead of her customary concert cello, she played on an electric cello, which certainly had a Steampunk air to it, so it fit in nicely with the convention. Her music touched my very soul, and I had to hold back the tears to many of her songs as their haunting melodies infused my mending heart, reminding it of past pains and lost loves. After one set, I couldn't decide which of her CDs to buy, so I indulged and purchases her Steampunk USB key, complete with the Unwoman insignia and all of her recorded music. Well worth it to get better acquainted with her evocative lyrics and stirring melodies.

A few crew members of ASI taking a well-deserved break

My dear friends and colleagues Airship Isabella was also in attendance. They are simply some of my favorite people on the planet. Not only are they talented artists and masters at panel information and storytelling, but they are the kindest pirates one will ever meet. They embrace anyone with the slightest curiosity into the Steampunk community, and they've single-handedly built said community from the inside out. Unlike many artists who discourage other DIYers to try and get admirers to buy their wares instead, the fine people of ASI encourage others to mod their own guns, goggles, and costumes. At many cons, they even give workshops showing others how to mod weapons, tool leather, and Steampunk-out other costuming. Their fine work can be seen and purchases on their Etsy page, but definitely catch these folks at a convention if you get a chance.

The most well-attended panel that I participated in was the "Firefly" panel I got to do with two members of ASI. It was a geekalicious hour of Whedon love and admiration during which we discussed the development of the "Firefly" characters, lamented at the brevity of the series, and all agreed that "Firefly" was indeed Steampunk.

There was so much going on at the Emerald City Steampunk Expo that I didn't get to see nearly enough. They had a Murder Mystery Theatre and a Mustache Competition, both of which I am very sorry to have missed. Carnival Epsilon performed their medicine sideshow act, complete with eating glass, and I am quite ashamed to admit that I missed that as well! As sometimes happens, my events are planned at the same time as others, so I cannot always see everything. But for congoers, Peter Pixie, grand master extraordinaire, ensured that everyone knew what was going on where at all time, offering his wit and charm to all attendees and guests alike.

The Saturday night concert was brilliant with The Aeronauts, The Kinetiks, and Unwoman performing. Unwoman even sat in with The Aeronauts for a song or two.

Olivia signing Steampunk Calendars

A few high points for me: signing the Steampunk Calendar, created by the lovely Mordecai Hale and getting to know Peter Pixie and Unwoman better. Erica (Unwoman) and I talked for hours over the weekend, but it still didn't seem like enough time. I'm so thrilled that she and I will both be guests at HRM Steampunk Symposium in Long Beach, CA this coming January. It will be so lovely to be able to hang out with her some more. Peter Pixie and his lovely wife welcomed me into their home shortly after my arrival in Wichita, so I didn't have to spend the first evening alone in my hotel room. Truly, everyone was so kind.

More high points: I got interviewed by Lotus Comics Press for their webcast, and I hope to be working with them more in the future. Plus, the event took place at the gorgeous Hyatt Regency, and I had a wonderful surprise from the Hotel Staff and Bitten By Books when I arrived in my room Thursday night: a fruit and cheese platter. I truly felt like a VIP. Con chair Randy Stuhlsatz definitely treated me like a special guest as well, and I hope to be back in 2012 for their second year.

Filed under: News & Reviews, Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: airship isabella, author, con report, convention, cosplay, erica mulkey, o.m. grey, olivia grey, peter pixie, postaweek2011, short story, steampunk, the aeronauts, unwoman, victorian

Yummy Birthday Treat!

This was the best birthday EVER!

Not only did my Kickstarter fund (YAY!! THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!), but I also got to hang out with my amazing husband and some of my dearest friends from Airship Isabella all weekend (not to mention host them in my home).

I had a peppermint mocha, which is always a treat.

AND—-

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Yep. Best Birthday EVER!

Thanks to everyone who supported the Kickstarter Project, everyone who send me birthday wishes on Facebook and Twitter, all the wonderful hugs I got in person at Comic Con (special treat to see Sixpence, Chris Holm, Genevieve, Robert Stikmanz, Amanda Kimmerly, and Virgina…who also snapped this awesome picture of me with James Marsters).

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: birthday, buffy, comic con, convention, friends, friendship, james marsters, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk