O.M. Grey's Blog, page 31

Standing Strong

I'm remarkably okay.

I mean. Seriously.

Could I be this strong? The woman who was crippled by heartbreak twice last year?

Of course I'm hoping that it's not truly over, over. I hope that he can accept some basic truths about life and relationships. Truths, by the way, that have been validated multiple times over the weekend by several people in the poly community. (The poly community is ridiculously small, btw. Two men who had written me on OKC that I turned to for poly support turned out to be the husbands of the women my ex has been talking to. I mean, really? What are the fucking odds?! Ridiculously small.)

Don't get me wrong. There have been tears and a few minor panic attacks, but just for the first two days, and not near as much as I expected (or feared).

No panic today. Few tears.

A lot of strength. In fact I realized today that I am incredibly strong. All my support network have told me this again and again, and today I completely believe them. Not only am I strong, but I realized that I'm also a pretty incredible woman. Intense, sure. Emotional and passionate, definitely. But I'm not apologizing for that anymore. It takes a strong man to be with me, and I'm no longer going to minimize myself. There is strength in tears. There is strength in facing fears. There is incredible strength inside me.

Here I am. Standing on my own two feet, knowing I made the right choice by standing up for my self-respect. If its over, then it's over. But I still hope it's not. Because now we can come back together in love and there will be much less anxiety on my end, knowing I won't be crippled if/when it ends. I know I will be okay because I am okay today.

Here is the strong woman you want, sweetheart. Who would've guessed it was me all the time? Thank you for showing me just how strong I am. I am so grateful for the time and love we've shared, and I so hope we can share more time and love and still grow together and learn together. I'm a better woman today because of you, my love. I'm healthier and more fit. And I'm stronger. So much stronger.

Too late for us, my sweet auctioneer? I hope not. But if so, I'm okay.

Sad. Regretting our fears got the better of us. Wishing I would've handled things better.

Missing you. Loving you…but not broken.

Really remarkably fucking okay.

I took care of me, for a change, and it feels great!

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: auctioneer, author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, paranormal romance, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, strength, strong

Put on the Back Burner

This is going to be an extremely difficult post to write.

Just one week ago, we were blissfully in love. Laughing and loving. Basking. Joyful.

Now it's over. Just like that.

I'm still in shock.

One of the things that shock me the most is that I ended it. Officially, anyway. Although, he had already pulled so far away it felt as if I could barely still see him. He looked different to me the few times I saw him this week. Distant, like a stranger. Something had changed in his eyes, in the way he looked at me. Perhaps in the way he saw me. Something I can't articulate, but it was gone. It was different. And it was terrifying.

Part of me hopes it's not really the end, that it's just a really, really big speed bump. But I think it probably is just over. God, please say that I'm wrong. Please. Please. Please.

I'm sure he thinks that I left because he wants to see other people and that I'm just jealous or can't handle it in some way, but that's not the reason. We're in a polyamorous relationship, of course there will be others. I encourage it. I've always encouraged him to see others and to be completely himself, never to edit who he is. To be completely open and honest with me. That the only thing I ever wanted to hear was the truth.

So, of course there will be others. I have my husband as well as another date on Tuesday with a gentleman I've seen a few times in addition to him. A few weeks ago, I was hoping to hook up with someone I've been drawn to for awhile, but our timing was off. It's not about seeing others, it's how you go about it. In all my other relationships as well as the search or option to find more, never did he nor my husband feel a drop in the amount or depth of love, support, or attention they receive from me.

It's not instead of, it's in addition to.

On his side, he not only had me but another significant other, as well as an ex he had not yet let go of. Now he wants to explore new relationships, and I encourage that. I want him to see other people. Always have.

The problem was that he was going to put me on the back burner to do that. Sure, there are only so many hours in a day and we had been spending a lot of wonderful time together. Ours was one of those rare relationships where the love, joy, and bliss was 95% of our time together. Conflict, fear, & anxiety only 5%. That 5% was too much for him. He's wants 100% love, joy, and bliss without any responsibility or acceptance that life sometimes contains pain.

So, instead of distancing himself from his ex with whom he has little to no chance of ever being romantic or sexual with again…instead of distancing himself from his other who he does not feel the emotional/spiritual connection or the heights of sexual ecstasy that he feels with me…he chooses to distance himself from the most fulfilling relationship in his life.

The ridiculous thing is he didn't have to distance himself from me or the other two. He could've loved us all…and searched for someone new to further enrich his life.

It's not instead of, it's in addition to.

In polyamorous relationships, the theory (and I've lived this, so I know it's true) is that love breeds more love. You go deeper in love with one while cultivating a relationship with another. Through the loving support of one partner, you find another that will further fulfill and enrich all.

It's not instead of, it's in addition to.

But, he decided to pull away, not come in deeper. He pushed me into a back corner to look for something better instead of holding me (and his other significant other) beside him in love while looking for more love. He wanted me to stick around while he looked for a replacement, not an addition. He wanted to keep what we had built without the responsibility of maintaining it, nurturing it. He was pulling love and time away from me for something that might or might not happen. For someone who might or might not exist. He wasn't taking care of my heart, which is essential in any relationship.

Had he chose to come in deeper in love with me, I would've stood by his side through it all. Through as many women as he wanted to see, fuck, fall in love with, leave. I would've been there in blissful love with him through it all. Completely supportive. Loving. Nurturing. Fulfilling his every need as best I could.

But he pushed me away. Put me on the back burner.

No one puts me on a back burner.

Up until now, I have taken on more pain in my private time to keep him from feeling emotionally responsible, knowing it was one of his engulfment fears. I understand fear. I have to deal with anxiety every day, so I've gotten pretty fucking good at it.

So many times, I had seen the loving man that is his essence, and I knew that his ego and engulfment fears were holding that loving man down. I took my pain, even the upset he caused, onto myself to keep it from him because I was strong enough to do so. I knew that as he experienced love and freedom together, something he had never experienced before me, he would come to a place where he could learn to support me through my pain as I did him through his. That we could grow together towards transcending emotional hurt altogether by embracing it when it arose and moving through it together, rather than avoiding it, which always causes more pain.

But on our three-month celebration, he told me that he was taking a step away to free his time up to date and allow the relationship he wants to enter his life. He still loved me, he said, and wasn't breaking up with me, but he wanted to see what else was possible. He believes that he can experience all the highs of spiritual sexual ecstasy and depth of emotion and love without experiencing the lows of hurt feelings, fears, and anxieties.

He's looking for utopia.

I told him I wanted him to see what else was out there. I wanted him to explore, to date, to see other women, but when he said that he now knew for certain that ours wasn't the relationship he was looking for and that he knew we weren't life partners…I had to ask myself what was the point in continuing, especially if he wanted our relationship to go backwards.

Then it became clear. He wanted to keep me around to satisfy his needs on his terms on his time table without giving me anything I needed. I had already sacrificed my need for some emotional support, being able to turn to him in sadness or fear, and now he wanted me to sacrifice more. . .but still be there to fuck. To "love." (I put that in quotations, but I have no doubt he loves me deeply. He just is too scared to really invest himself in this, or any, real relationship. And that greatly saddens me, because I see how much love is inside him.)

In my head, all I heard were the words he said to me the week before while considering leaving his other girlfriend…"I want to have the option of being sexual with her when I want to."

And that was that.

I realized that this wasn't the loving poly relationship I had thought. We are in love, no doubt. We have shared such a joyful time together, basking in the love of each other. He had told me a week before that he wanted me at his every auction. That my support for him made him so happy. That he adored me. Was attached to me. Loved me so much. He told me that he realized that he was happier with me around than when he was alone, which was a huge thing for someone as independent as he is to say. And he told me how scary that was. And it is scary. Giving of yourself to another is scary.

He's terrified. I get that. I'm am, too. But when I felt the urge to run a few days ago, I turned into us instead.

He turned away.

There's nothing more I can do.

So, this time, instead of being a doormat awaiting whatever morsel he chooses to toss my way, as his ex girlfriend still does after over a year, I stood up for my own self-respect. After all, I've fought hard to regain some of that after the abuses of last year, and I'm not laying it down again for him or anyone else.

No one puts me on the back burner.

So now here I am, the woman who never gives up on relationships, giving up on this one. Or have I? I think he gave up on it, actually. He let his fear win. Then…I let my fear follow suit.

Like I said before, nothing would make me happier than this to just be a speed bump. He wants space, and so I'm giving him all the space he needs and then some…while holding onto my self-respect.

I hope that he realizes what he's losing in us and reconsiders. I hope that he pulls me in close to him in love while looking for and dating others. I hope that he turns to me instead of away from me. I hope that he shares his fears with me instead of hiding away behind arrogance. I hope he talks to me and embraces the level of communication and understanding I bring to our relationship, that which he's never before experienced and always expressed gratitude for.

I hope that he chooses love over fear.

My god, how I hope that he comes back to me ready to choose love over fear, ready to accept that pain is a part of life, a part of any relationship.

But until that happens…

Love loses this round, friends.

I lose this round. I lose one of the greatest lovers I've ever known. I lose morning meditations together, speechless at the love between us. I lose worshipping his body and the spiritual ritual of making love together. I lose seeing so much love in his eyes that it brings tears to the surface. I lose the sound of his voice telling me how sweet it is to wake up next to me. I lose the contour of his body in the morning light. I lose his laughter and the deep smile lines around his eyes, the dimples on his cheeks that never quite go away. I lose breakfast on the terrace, wine-flavored kisses, euphoric energy orgasms, laughter in the shower, hiking through the woods, biking through town lake, supporting him at auctions, feeling his soft hand in mine, tasting his lips.

I lose it all.

Now comes the grief. The months and months and months of grief over the loss of likely the best three months of my life. I've never experienced such spiritual depth in a relationship, never such complete blissful joy.

That's a lot to lose.

But it's not as much to lose as my self-worth. And I am worth so much more than being pushed in a corner.

No one puts me on a the back burner.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: auctioneer, author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, paranormal romance, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Emotional Vampires (Podcast)

Episode 33: Emotional Vampires (Podcast).

Emotional Vampires are sometimes hard to spot, but we discuss some warning signs that you  might have encountered an emotional vampire. If you're in an intimate relationship with one, it can be extremely exhausting and damaging. Beware.

Emotional Vampires (Podcast)

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Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, emotional vampire, emotional vampires, fear, healing, honesty, intimacy, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk, trust, vampire, vampires, victorian

Letting Go to Love More Deeply

[image error]I cling.

I really do.

I love so deeply, and when my beloved is in pain, I will do whatever is necessary to help relieve that pain as quickly as possible, even if it means sacrificing some of myself. Even if it means taking blame when blame is not mine.

I know. Totally codependent. I'm working on it.

When I feel my beloved pull away, my first instinct is to move closer. To bridge that gap. Which, of course, makes him pull away further. My abandonment fears are triggered, and the anxiety mounts. I move in closer…he pulls away. Vicious circle.

It's a thing.

In my current relationship, I've been practicing doing just the opposite. Although my first instinct it to move closer, and I usually do, it's not too long before I see the only thing I can do is to take a step back. As much as it goes against who I am. Every. Single. Cell. in my body is screaming for me to move closer, to find that place of security and love that was there just a few moments ago. I don't. 

I step back.

And it hurts me to step back. To feel like I'm abandoning my lover in his time of need, because that's what it truly feels like to me. I want to be there for him. I want to stroke his temples and soothe his fears. I want to tell him it will be okay and our love will see us through. I want to console and kiss and hold him. Doing anything else makes me feel like I'm abandoning him, which is the absolute worse thing a person can do in a relationship, as far as I'm concerned.

But, in reality, I'm not abandoning him. I'm giving him space to breathe. To process. To remember the love for himself. To choose to be with me on his own.

It's such a challenge for me, I can't even express just how challenging. On top of that, when I need to be consoled after my fears are triggered, I must do that on my own. Learning to do that on my own. Slowly. Usually I turn to my husband or to friends, but I rarely turn to him. Because if I do, it just triggers his fears and we're in the cycle all over again.

Have I mentioned? It's a thing.

Relationships are work. Poly relationships are ever more work than monogamous ones, having to learn the love styles and triggers of several partners. Having to care for the hearts and feelings of several partners, and our partners' partners (and in some cases former partners). It's quite overwhelming.

And so I let go.

Just a little bit.

The little girl inside me who was abandoned forty years ago is screaming: You're not good enough! He's going to leave you! He's going to find someone better, because it wouldn't be all that hard after all! You're just not enough! You are as worthless as you've always feared! You're not special at all! You chase people away because of who you are! You always have, and you always will.

But I still let go.

Sometimes I cry, but I step back just the same because I know that stepping forward will only make it worse.

Stepping back is my only chance.

And, I find, that stepping back, despite the wailing child inside, gives me strength. I'm standing on my own again, no longer leaning into him. I know that if he doesn't come back that it will hurt more than I care to think, but I will get through it. After all, I have a loving, supporting husband who's greatest desire in this life is to take care of me and ensure my happiness. I have a community of loving people who would go out of their way for me, and I for them. And above all, I'm an incredibly strong woman. Stronger than most, I'd wager. I have nothing to fear.

I have nothing to fear.

Then, after a time, he comes back, more loving than before. We fall even deeper in love. We experience deeper joy and a deeper connection than before.  We laugh and make love and sing and plan our future. We dream and bask and dance.

We're blissfully in love again.

For a time.

Until the fears are triggered again. Either his or mine. Doesn't matter which. One always triggers the other.

Then he pulls away. Then I try not to follow. And I cry alone, hoping he will choose to walk next to me again when he emerges from his cave.

One day he might not return. One day, I might not.

I hope today is not that day.

Please, let it not be today.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Please Release Me (Podcast)

Episode 32: Please Release Me (Podcast).

Sexual release through masturbation, starting with treatment for "Hysteria" in the Victorian Era. From misogyny to sexual freedom among women…

Also, I'll answer a reader's concern on the podcast. Please call in with your relationship issue to 512.943.2271 to record your question or write to me with your concerns.

Please Release Me (Podcast)

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Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, healing, honesty, human touch, hysteria, intimacy, love, LTR, masturbation, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, oxytocin, passion, podcast, polyamory, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk, trust, victorian

The Impact of Abandonment Fears on Self-Esteem

For those of us who struggle with abandonment fears, we might notice that it negatively affects our self-esteem.

Who am I kidding, really? Might?

It definitely affects our self-esteem.

Deep-seated abandonment fears are quite serious. The seed for these crippling fears is planted when we are just children, usually because of an emotionally absent or physically absent parent. It could be something as seemingly harmless as a work-a-holic father who is too exhausted to do anything but sleep once he comes home. That can plant the seed of abandonment fears. Another example is when a younger sibling is born and suddenly you are no longer your mother's world. You've been replaced, or at least that's what it feels like.

Once the abandonment fear seed is planted, it doesn't take too much for it to grow. The slightest slight. A forgotten phone call. Unanswered text. Your sweetie falling asleep during a romantic movie. These seemingly benign things and so much more can trigger the abandonment fears and reinforce the feelings of worthlessness that comes with them.

I was talking with someone recently who told me a story about a misunderstanding with his girlfriend and how she subsequently felt abandoned. She was very upset, and he couldn't understand why. After all, it was just a misunderstanding. It's not like he left her alone in the dark wilderness without any sign of hope or comfort.

He and so many people who are lucky enough to have avoided abandonment anxieties don't understand that was exactly how it feels. No matter how insignificant the "abandonment" might seem, for the person who struggles with deep abandonment fears, it feels like we are left in the dark wilderness without any sign of hope or comfort.

Seriously.

Now, of course, our fears are ultimately our own responsibility. However, if you are in a loving, romantic relationship with someone who struggles with abandonment issues, some extra care and understanding are called for.

Not only do we have to deal with this crippling fear, but we also have to live with the embarrassment of knowing full well we're "overreacting." Just think what that does to our self-esteem. In our minds, everything we were taught about ourselves from that initial abandonment from a child is reinforced…

Feelings of worthlessness

Not good enough…or just not enough somehow

Terrified of the day when the abandonment will be for real, not just a little taste like a forgotten phone call

These anxieties are real and quite damaging to one's self esteem.

If you love someone who struggles with abandonment fears and other types of insecurities and anxieties around relationships, have some patience and understanding. Be kind. Acknowledge their fears, no matter how silly they may seem. Because, let me assure you, they are *very real* to the person experiencing them. Validate those fears and then remind them, gently, that it's their brain playing tricks on them.

Help them out of their heads.

A dear, dear friend did this for me a few weeks back, and I'm ever so grateful to him for it. What he did worked wonders, so try this with your beloved the next time.

Sit cross-legged in front of each other. Put your palm flat against their breast bone and ask them to feel their heartbeat against your palm. Then tell them to feel it all through their body. Anywhere they can't feel it, put your hand there until they can. Breathe with them. Have them match their breath to yours and then gradually slow down.

Remind them with words and with your actions that you aren't going anywhere.

Namaste.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, book, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Steampunk Spotlight: Proofreading Error!!

Today's Steampunk Spotlight shines on a huge proofreading error in the anthology Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection. Or perhaps I should say ON the book, as the mistake is on the cover. On the spine, actually.

Yep.

It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how many times something is edited and proofread…something is always missed. This time, one of those overlooked mistakes was on the cover, and I'm simply mortified! Especially since the first printing was 125 copies. At least it wasn't 500 copies!

We have about 40 copies of those books left, and a new shipment of corrected books (including a Table of Contents) is on it's way. The second (corrected) printing are available from Amazon.com right now.

So, we had a choice to either destroy the remaining 40 copies, after the error was caught, or sell them through, either at a discount or as a collectible. As environmentalists, we just couldn't bring ourselves to destroy 40 books. It pains me to just think about it. So we decided to sell them as limited edition collectibles.

But before we do that, I wanted to give my readers a chance to get them at a discounted price, rather than an elevated one. For the rest of this week only, you can buy a copy of Caugt in the Cogs for just $5 + shipping. That's over 60% off the cover price of $12.95. You will get an author-signed copy of this limited edition print run with the spine spelling error delivered directly to you.

Starting this weekend, the books will sell for $15 as collectible items. Get yours while you can!

—> Click here to buy your Limited Edition OOOPS! Caugt in the Cogs signed paperback

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: anthology, author, book, caught in the cogs, error, honesty, love, mistake, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, proofreading error, steampunk

A Long Story Short

My poem "If I Had Known…" has been published in the poetry section of A Long Story Short this month.

Yay me!

Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: author, broken heart, heartbroken, honesty, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, shattered

Everybody Lies (Podcast)

Episode 31: Everybody Lies (Podcast).

Everybody lies…or do they? Unfortunately, too many people lie or deceive out of fear or laziness. Sometimes just because they have no integrity. If you're a good, honest person, approach new relationships with a healthy dose of skepticism, but don't let them turn you into a liar. Keep honest and let them build trust. Words + Supporting Action + Reliability Over Time = Trust.

Everybody Lies (Podcast)

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Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, deception, fear, healing, honesty, human touch, intimacy, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, oxytocin, passion, podcast, polyamory, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk, trust, truth

Facing Fears

As I write this post, my OSO (Other Significant Other/Secondary) is with his OSO and my husband is out of town.

So many people write to me and say they could never have a polyamorous relationship because they are too jealous, as if jealousy just magically disappears within poly relationships. It doesn't. Some people deal with jealousy better than others, and, true, a few people just don't feel jealous at all. I'm not one of those. As a triple Scorpio with emotional regulation issues, jealousy does rear it's ugly head from time to time, but I choose to manage it rather than give in to it.

I choose compersion.

Still…some days are easier than others. Today is one of those harder times, knowing he is with her while I'm by myself. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears, like abandonment. Like the fear of being replaced. Like the fear that it's all a lie and I'm being played the fool, especially after this last year of heartbreak. I'm scared.

Falling in love is scary! Opening yourself up and being vulnerable before another person can be terrifying, especially if you know all too well the pain that heartbreak can bring. Utterly terrifying.

Still, those are my fears. These fears have been inside me long before I met my sweet auctioneer and they've been poked and prodded and reaffirmed by my two losses last year, so they're rather fresh and raw. Now…do I call up my OSO and tell him how scared I am? Do I ask for reassurance?

No. I don't. Especially not now when I know he has a date with his OSO.

My fears are not his responsibility. They're mine.

Sure, as in any romantic relationship, two people become entangled and they are there for each other to soothe fears and support emotional times. But by asking for such reassurance at a time like this would be wholeheartedly selfish, and it would possibly damage our relationship. At other times, however, we do share our fears, and it's important (even essential) to do so, as I've mentioned in many other blogs. It's how you build intimacy and deepen your connection with your beloved, but there is a time and a place for that. Also, it can't be all that you do. You must also make love and laugh and dance together.

Still, the fears can come at the most inopportune times. If we can be mindful when these feelings emerge, we can look more closely at them. Name them. Examine them. Diffuse them. We can face our fears alone in strength.

I can face my fear alone in strength.

Radical acceptance of reality is a DBT technique I've recently learned. So often we wish something could be different and through that wishing we feel resentful or sad or scared or something else. But wishing it different doesn't make it different. Radical acceptance of reality is a powerful skill. It allows us to accept things the way they are and deal with that. It makes things clear, and we can make our choices from there. Wishing and hoping for things to be different doesn't change a thing. All it does is make us upset. Accept reality, no matter how hard it is because through this acceptance we have the power of choice and understanding.

Naming emotions is another DBT technique, and it has been quite helpful, really. By naming my emotions, I'm able to examine them and often see just how silly they are. Just by naming them, it diffuses the intensity a little and makes things more manageable. In addition, by naming them aloud, I can then counter them with reason. With history.

For example, I will say "I feel jealous" and "I feel scared that I will be replaced."

"I feel unseen, unloved, forgotten, pushed aside…"

And I know as soon as I say them out loud that those are all things inside me. This time is no different than the other times. My OSO has been seeing his OSO before he started seeing me. His affection for her doesn't diminish his love for me, not even a little bit. If anything, it enhances it. And I know this not only through getting to know my OSO better and spending more time with him, but I know it from experience, too. I love my husband dearly, deeply, completely. He is my entire world. By finding and falling in love with my sweet auctioneer, is hasn't diminished my love for my husband. It has enhanced it. I love him more than I ever thought possible every day, and part of that is because he accepts me and loves me for who I am, not who he thinks I am. He loves and accepts me and permits me to find more love and more desire.

And I love him with everything I am.

None of this diminishes what I feel for my OSO. I love him more everyday, too. I love him because he has reminded me what it's like to fall in love, to feel alive and young and beautiful. He has breathed a new life into me with his desire and love for me. As he and I learn who each other are and fall in love ever more deeply, we grow as individuals and as a couple. And through our love he is able to love others and so am I with the understanding that love breeds more love. He feels safe to love me because I won't try to possess him, because I have shown him that love and freedom is possible.

So, yes, my beloved OSO is with another woman tonight, and although I wish it were me, it's not. No amount of wishing will make it be me with him tonight. Yet, my love for him depends because he is such a loving and caring man. My love for him deepens because he can maintain a relationship with her and in doing so he's able to love me more. Sounds like a paradox, but it's not.

I'm scared. I really am. I'm scared of having my heart broken again, but I'm not so scared that I'm going to give up this euphoric feeling of being in love again. I feel jealous sometimes. I need reassurance sometimes, but mostly, I feel grateful for the love of two amazing men. I feel grateful that they love me for who I am. That they allow me to love others if that comes to pass, and they know my love for them won't be jeopardized because of it.

And their love for me is not threatened because they love another. Not even a little bit. In fact, it deepens because of it.

It's a beautiful thing.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: author, compersion, fear, honesty, intimacy, jealous, jealousy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex