O.M. Grey's Blog, page 27

Ethical Responsibility: STI Edition

Last year I published a post called “Ethical Responsibility,” and it has been one of the top viewed posts since. In that post, I pose an ethical question surrounding infidelity.

Today, we’re going talk talk about the ethical responsibility around Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI), formally known as STDs.

First, let me make this abundantly clear:

There is no shame in having an STI. None whatsoever. Far too many people who have any STI, especially an incurable one like Herpes (HSV), HPV, or HIV, feel a lot of shame around the infection. They feel like a leper, like their sex life is over.

You’re not a leper.

Your sex life is not over.

STIs are hugely stigmatized in our culture, which is unfortunate as it causes an increase in the shame and thereby and increase in people hiding their STIs from partners, which, of course, increases chance of transmission. Most STIs are curable these days. A round of antibiotics or a shot will kill most STIs, so the only thing that makes these different than any other virus (like the common cold or the flu) is that they are transmitted sexually and concern the genitals. In our prudish society, I suppose this makes all the difference in the world.

For me, that’s balderdash.

That isn’t to say that one does not have the ethical responsibility to not only be tested regularly and share your results with your potential and current sexual partners. Even if it’s curable, you have a responsibility to tell everyone. Just as you don’t want to transmit a cold or the flu or strep throat, out of respect and common curtesy, the same goes for STIs. And even moreso because we are talking about an intimate act that requires trust. As I’ve written about before, Sex is a Gift — respect yourself and respect your partners. Get tested. Share results.

Now, for nondurable STIs, it’s even more essential that you know what you have, what you’ve been exposed to, and inform your potential/current partners of those results.

Let’s take Herpes, one of the most stigmatized STIs out there.

Herpes Simplex Virus One (HSV1): Oral Herpes/Cold Sores - there are those who don’t even consider this an STI because, although it can be transmitted sexually, so can just about any virus, including the flu. This virus is normally transmitted through casual affection between family members, normally during childhood. So you can get it from a parent, aunt or uncle, grandmother, friend, friend of a friend, etc. Just like a cold or the flu or strep throat, among other viruses.

Up to 80% of the population carry HSV1, and 60% of those acquire it before age 6.

I carry HSV1. When I was tested last year, my test came back positive for HSV1, and I was mortified. I asked the doctor, the lab technician, my psychiatrist, and loads of friends if I needed to contact past lovers and tell new lovers that I carried HSV1. Every one of them said no, that it wasn’t a proper STI. They said that if a person is sexually active at all, that means even kisses other people, then they’ve already been exposed to it if they hadn’t been throughout the rest of their lives through casual affection.

I’ve never had an outbreak on or around my lips. No cold sores. No nothing. But the blood test came back positive. There are other ways it can manifest, though, as I’ve been learning. I’ve had sore throats and canker sores on and off throughout my life. These may be caused by the HSV1 virus, and they might not be…but at least I know.

I didn’t call my former lovers to tell them I had it, for everyone said “no big deal.” I do, however, tell any new lover as soon as possible. I start that STD/STI talk up front now, even though HSV1 isn’t considered an STI by most of society. I still tell them now…if for no other reason than to open up that conversation because I no longer trust people to tell me if they have something on their own.

Plus, HSV1 can be transmitted via oral sex, so it can be transferred from oral or genital. Although that is so rare it almost never happens, that’s not my concern. My concern is that my partner has the choice. It’s their body, their health. Not mine.

So I tell everyone now.

Up until this year, I figured that if someone had an STI, they would divulge that before we got sexually active. After all, I would. When I was 20, I contracted chlamydia through unprotected sex. It was caught during a normal checkup, thankfully, and I was treated. Even while on the antibiotics, when I would no longer be contagious, I told a new lover that I was being treated for it.

I let him decide whether or not he wanted to take the risk.

That’s respect.

Herpes Simplex Virus Two (HSV2): Genital Herpes - It is estimated that 20% of the population carries HSV2, that’s one in five people. 80% of them don’t even know they have it. This is not something that is transmitted through casual affectionate contact via family members and friends. Unlike HSV1, HSV2 is transmitted sexually. It is your responsibility to get tested if you are sexually active. It is your responsibility to share those results with your partner.

It’s a matter of respect for your fellow human being, especially because they are your lover.

I didn’t get that respect, and countless other women he’s been with haven’t either. I was exposed to HSV2 recently, and I wasn’t given a choice for six weeks. Once I found out, and I only found out because I brought up the topic and told him about the HSV1, despite the advice of all those friends and professionals mentioned above, I was already falling in love. I took the risk, after all, I had already been exposed multiple times over those six weeks, and I could understand his embarrassment. Of course, I would’ve taken the risk anyway, especially because he’s on the suppressant drugs that, according to him, gives less than a 1% chance of transmission, especially with protected intercourse.

That was his excuse for not divulging the information. The risk was so low, that he had made the decision for all his partners. He did the research, he said. He knew best, he said. He made the decision for everyone.

Not okay.

First of all, the risk of transmission isn’t less than 1%, it’s more like 12-15% chance, even on the suppressant drugs with protection. These drugs actually only reduce the risk of transmission by 48%.

Secondly, transmission is through asymptomatic shedding, even on the suppressant drugs. A new study shows that even high doses of the antiviral suppressant drugs doesn’t stop asymptomatic shedding.

Thirdly, it’s been seven years since he’s had an outbreak, and he still hasn’t had the blood test done to find out if it’s HSV1 or HSV2. It is, of course, likely HSV2, since it manifested genitally, but the point is his lack of responsibility around the entire issue. Something, by the way, he became very angry, accusatory, withdrawn, callous, and condescending about. That was the first time I saw the monster beneath the mask, but I explained it away, telling myself he was feeling ashamed and allowing my love for him to take a nurturing stance, an accepting one. This is an example of how my compassion becomes dangerous to me.

Regardless, the chance of transmission or type is irrelevant. He knows he has some form of herpes. He know he’s had several outbreaks. He knows he has to take suppressant drugs to reduce the risk of transmission. And he knows that it’s his choice to lie to his partners by omission, which speaks to a serious lack of honesty and integrity.

That is a problem in any relationship, especially a polyamorous one where there are multiple partners at risk if one person is dishonest. His other girlfriend, by the way, didn’t find out for five months, and he didn’t tell her. She found out through a mutual friend of ours. She has a husband and children. Her husband has other lovers.

Dishonesty in polyamorous circles is dangerous.

Be responsible for your body and be respectful to your partner(s). Get tested. Be honest. Have integrity.

Find the courage.

There is no shame in having an STI. There is only shame in deception.

(When you get tested, you must ask to be tested for herpes. Get the blood test done.)

.

Varicella Zoster Virus (HSV3), AKA Chicken Pox 

Enough said to illustrate the absurdity of the stigma around HSV2. It’s virtually the same virus that causes cold sores and chicken pox. Not fun, either of them. Nothing you want to have or to transmit, but also nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide.

.

Bottom line: There is no shame in having an STI.

The shame is in lying about it or deceiving your partners around it.

The shame is not having the integrity to be honest about it, to have the respect for your partners to make their own choice around the risk, no matter how small that risk might be.

It’s their body. It’s their choice.

Show some respect.

Now…for the ethical questions…

Do you start that conversation or do you trust your partner to tell you if s/he is positive for something?

Do you require documentation? I’ve met people in the poly community who require documentation and still use not only condoms but latex gloves and dental dams. How far do you go in protecting yourself?

If you know someone who has an STI, especially an incurable one, who does not tell his partners about it before sexual activity (if ever), would you warn that potential partner about not only the STI but also on the lack of trustworthiness and integrity of that person?

Why or why not?

What if that person is in your polyamorous community and was fairly promiscuous?

What if that person was chatting up a good friend? The wife of a good friend?

What if they had a habit not only of lying about their STI status but also of exploiting partners before cruelly devaluing and discarding them? Of manipulation?

When does silence become complicity?

Next week, We’re going to discuss how silence is the abuser’s greatest weapon.

Do you want to help arm them by using the excuse “it’s none of my business”?

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: antiviral, author, broken heart, chicken pox, cold sore, cold sores, fear, genital herpes, grief, healing, heartbroken, herpes, honesty, hsv1, hsv2, integrity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, oral herpes, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, sexually transmitted disease, sexually transmitted infection, std, sti

Steampunk Spotlight: Aetherfest 2012

Please join me this weekend for Aetherfest, Texas’s oldest Steampunk convention at the historic (& haunted) St. Anthony Hotel. Other guests include the fabulous Unwoman, DJ Doctor Q, Marquis of Vaudeville, Master Bones Jangle, Mr. Saturday & Sixpence, Airship Isabella, Eli August, Steampunk Boba Fett, and more!!

Tickets available now, while supplies last.

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Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: aetherfest, author, author visit, bustles, convention, cosplay, dj doctor q, eli august, erica mulkey, marquis of vaudeville, master bones jangle, mime, mr. saturday, mr. saturday and sixpence, o.m. grey, olivia grey, sixpence, steampunk, steampunk boba fett, unwoman, victorian

Award-Winning Author & Literary Chair, O. M. Grey

April has been a great month for me. Not only did Avalon Revisited and “Dust on the Davenport” both win Readers’ Choice Awards from The Steampunk Chronicle for Best Fiction and Best Short Story, respectively, but my poem “New York Rain” won the Grand Prize at the Leander Public Library’s Poetry Contest!

Yay me!

With everything that’s been going on in my personal life, it’s so wonderfully validating to be honored in my professional life like this. Thanks to everyone at The Steampunk Chronicle and at the Leander Public Library, especially Doctor Q and Adrian H., again, respectively.

Additionally, I was the “Literary Chair” at Florida’s first ever Steampunk Exhibition,

and it, too, was a great honor. I finally got to meet Abney Park as well as catch up with my dear friends of Airship Isabella (even played on the beach together and buried Capt. Delacru in the sand. Great fun!). Mickey & Doug, the organizers of the event, were everso charming, and I look forward to working with both of them again very soon, perhaps later this year at another FL event.

One of the highlights of the weekend was meeting and chatting with S. J. Chambers, co-author of The Steampunk Bible. Ms. Chambers interviewed me on my relationship essays and other work. The results made it into her piece for Beyond Victoriana (below), but please do read the entire article over on Beyond Victoriana.

In addition to her readings and panel, literary chair O.M. Grey (Olivia) hosted two high teas, which were savory and fun and featured a rousing round of Charades. For those who haven’t come across Olivia yet, she is the author of the Steampunk Paranormal Romance novels, Avalon Revisited (which just recently won Best Fiction in the Steampunk Chronicle Reader’s Choice Award) and The Zombies of Mesmer, as well as Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection of short stories, love poetry, and her widely popular relationship essays which advocate the often much misunderstood polyamorous dynamics. Her short story “Dust on the Davenport,” won her another Steampunk Chronicle Reader’s Choice Award for Best Short Story. I had a chance to catch up with Olivia, and was interested in why she chose to write for a Steampunk audience when her relationship articles could have such a wide appeal to more mainstream publications:

“I think the nature of Steampunk allows for more sexual exploration than perhaps other genres because Steampunk is more about being on the fringes of society, anyway. And with so many people in the geek culture, of course, polyamory is already prevalent … and so I think Steampunk is ripe for that because what Steampunk is about … is the past the way it should have been rather than the way it was.

“A lot of times in Steampunk literature, it really speaks to gender issues and racial issues that were ignored, and there was serious prejudice going on in the Victorian era, and serious prudishness as well. With the table legs covered, the chair legs covered, everything had to be skirted so no one was reminded of sex. That’s what I like to play with in my novels a lot, is this prudishness, this behavior in public, but then people being completely open if not debaucherous behind closed doors. That idea that when you are suppressing something so natural as sexuality that it is going to come out (and maybe in not so healthy ways sometimes) behind closed doors–but even so, … it comes out very passionately with the women who are strapped into corsets and bustles and keep their hands folded in their laps….but at the same time what they are doing is really getting in touch with their sexuality behind closed doors and I really do love that part of it.

O.M. Grey: Award-winning author O.M. Grey was one of the guests of honor, as well as the literary chair at the Florida Steampunk Society Exhibition.

“And so polyamory, along with my relationship essays, really speak to that a little bit with Steampunk because it is pushing those boundaries of sexuality. It’s saying ‘What we have learned as society is that there may be a better way, or at least a different way—better for some people not others–that love is not finite, that by loving another person the love for the first person does not minimize, it actually deepens and broadens, and I think that’s beautiful. And the same thing with sexuality. Desire breeds desire; love breeds love, having, I think, Steampunk is a great outlook to promote a sex positive culture…. It can be a place to explore not only societal boundaries, but exploring gender roles and different sexual preferences.”

I look forward to meeting with Ms. Chambers again at some point in the near future and sharing another margarita with her.

In the mean time, look for me at Aetherfest this coming weekend AND in the upcoming May Issue of Gearhearts, A Steampunk Glamour Revue, #3.

Filed under: News & Reviews, Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: abney park, author, avalon revisited, ayleen the peacemaker, beyond victoriana, contest, daytona beach, dj doctor q, dust on the davenport, florida, florida steampunk exhibition east. s. j. chambers. the steampunk bible, ministry of peculiar occurrences, o.m. grey, olivia grey, short story, steampunk, steampunk chronicle

Jealousy vs. Compersion (Podcast)

Episode 38: Jealousy vs. Compersion (Podcast).

Compersion is a word coined for the polyamorous lifestyle meaning to find happiness when your partner is happy or experiencing joy rather than feeling jealous about it. It is indeed a choice. Jealousy does not just go away on its own, as it was taught to us in society, but we can make a choice to deal with the roots of our jealousy and choose compersion instead.

Jealousy vs. Compersion (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, compersion, consent, deception, enthusiastic, fear, healing, heart, heartbroken, help, honesty, insecurity, intimacy, jealous, jealousy, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, poly, polyamory, relationships, romance, self esteem, self-protection, sex, steampunk, trust

Starting to Function Again

(Extremely personal and raw. Consider yourself warned.)

I dyed my hair today. First time in I can’t remember how long. Since even before the break up. Even gave myself some cute goth bangs.

Doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal, but it was. It means I’m functioning again, or at least starting to function again. I did some research and recorded a podcast, too. Earlier this week, I actually worked on a new story line for two hours and wrote a poem.

I’m getting better.

Mornings are still the hardest, which is why I’m staying up late tonight to work. Sometimes I find it impossible to get out of bed, but other days it’s not as hard. After I force myself to stop remembering how I’d lay next to him in the mornings before we’d make love and meditate; after I force myself to stop thinking about what I could’ve done differently that last week; after I stop asking impossible questions about the untimely end and if any of it was real, I get up, shower, and meditate.

And I smile alone.

I’ve been going out a lot, meeting new people and spending time in nature, hiking and swimming, so I’m not online too often except via my iPhone. Not running as much as I’d like to be. Eating more than maintaining my weight requires. Drinking way too many mochas. Therapy twice a week, plus calls in between when things get too hard and the best solution to the pain or emptiness or utter exhaustion begins to look too much like a noose. Talking and texting with as many people as will talk and text with me. Helps pass the time as I continue to heal.

10 weeks.

Since the split, I haven’t really been able to have sex. That’s sucked. Twice, only. Neither time was with my husband. We tried once, but it resulted in a severe breakdown. We have too deep an emotional connection between us for physical intimacy at the moment, which sounds silly, but the damage caused by the auctioneer is so extensive, that I can’t engage in such an intimate act with someone I deeply care about. It’s too much. More fun effects of the PTSD. My husband, of course, has been nothing but supportive. He just held me and reassured me that it was okay through my embarrassed apologies, telling me that I was exorcising a demon.

That feels pretty accurate.

So for now it has to be relatively casual and meaningless. Just a biological release. I really don’t like meaningless sex, so I haven’t sought it often. It’s ultimately not fulfilling. Besides, it’s not even the sex I miss as much as the affection and attention. The presence. The acceptance. The intimacy and love. But those things are much harder to find than just sex. Baby steps. Such is recovery.

And yet, still there are days that I fantasize the auctioneer will apologize. Ridiculous, really. He never apologized for anything. Not even once that I can recall. It was never his fault, of course. Never his responsibility. It was always mine.

Sometimes I wonder if there would be any chance of reconciliation. If it was somehow all a huge misunderstanding. If he could take responsibility for his part of it and work to rebuild trust with me, and with my husband. Wonder if…Wonder if…Wonder if…

My psychiatrist says this thinking is part of the trauma bond, and that it will lessen with time.

So, I continue to heal. Wonder if I’ll ever see him again. Wonder if I’ll ever be able to see him again without fearing more pain. He sent an email a few weeks back after I specifically requested he didn’t contact me because it hurt me so much when he did, especially because the first time I had heard from him in six weeks didn’t contain even one kind word. I didn’t read that first email, and I didn’t read the second either, as just seeing it slip past the delete filter was enough to send me into a panic. My husband couldn’t read it either, as it made him so angry that the auctioneer even sent it after I made it clear that I felt violated all over again when I heard from him.

That’s how much he cares about hurting me.

Still, I wonder if we could sit down and have coffee together and just talk. Wonder if talking would help me heal or make it worse. Maybe when I’m truly past it and I no longer care. By then I’ll be in another state, maybe another country. Until then, I continue to wonder why I’d even consider it. Honestly.

Wonder if he ever misses me. Wonder if he’ll just text one day and say so.

Wonder if he’ll ever realize how beautiful and rare we were.

Unlikely.

But I realize it, and it’s agonizing.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As ev’ry fairy tale comes real

I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show

You leave ‘em laughing when you go

And if you care, don’t let them know

Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It’s love’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know love at all

So I’m done with love for a good long while. I’ll stick to writing about love for now and work on healing enough that I can once again make love with my own husband without crying.

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say “I love you” right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed

Well something’s lost, but something’s gained

In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It’s life’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It’s life’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know life at all. (Mitchell)

Yes, I am most definitely done.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, recovery, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered

Authentic vs. False Self

This is taken from Diane England, PhD’s website on Narcissism, Addition, and Abuse. She wrote a book on The PTSD Relationship. Very interesting, as that’s what I’ve experienced.

The person living as the real self is into creating win-win solutions. Indeed, she wants to do things that serve all parties. She also understands how it is possible to do so. After all, when one is living as the real self, she receives inner guidance that directs her on how to take actions that benefit others as well as the self. This means she doesn’t sacrifice her own needs for another, but she doesn’t disregard those of others so she might benefit herself, either.

Narcissists, on the other hand, are into misleading and manipulating other people in order to achieve their own selfish ends. But then, what matters most to them is their personal gain. They are comfortable doing what they do no matter what the costs to others. Of course, one of the characteristics of narcissism or the narcissistic is that they are concerned only about the well-being of others whom they perceive as players—like the self. They view all other people as objects to be used for personal benefit or gain.

The person operating as an authentic or real self strives to always be aware of her behavior and its impact on others. She strives to take right actions that are both beneficial and non-destructive to others as well as the world in general. The authentic individual realizes that because of the connection between herself and all others, when she harms another or some aspect of the universe, she actually is harming herself as well. This, of course, is so different from the perception of the narcissist who can only see what benefits him, even if it is destroying both others as well as the world.

Narcissism might be described as akin to constantly wearing blinders. Narcissists don’t see things as they truly are; they see them as they need them to be, or as they are. In other words, they can only look straight ahead at what will ultimately serve their own goals. When they see the means that serve their ends, they disregard or remain oblivious to the impact of pursuing these—on other people as well as any part of the larger interconnected system in which we are all part of the one—the source of all.

Please read the rest, as well as more informative posts, here.

Another article on the same topic: Behind the Facade: The “False Self” of the Narcissist.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, heartbroken, honesty, love, misogyny, narcissism, narcissist, non-monogamy, npd, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, relationship advice, relationships, romance, shattered

Allegory of the Cave

[image error]This has come into my consciousness no fewer than six times over the past few weeks. Too often to ignore as coincidence, so it was time to bring full presence to this amazing story.

When I was an undergrad, I majored in English Lit and minored in Philosophy. That was the first time I read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, and the imagery in that story has stayed with me ever since.

Normally, the Allegory of the Cave brings to mind the unexamined life, those who hide from their fears and live in deep denial. But the following is also quite accurate, in relation to being trapped in a trauma bond and the struggle to first see and then break that bond.

From How to Leave a Narcissist:

Plato and the Cave

From Allegory of the Cave:

“Plato imagines a group of people who have lived chained in a cave all of their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall by things passing in front of the cave entrance, and begin to ascribe forms to these shadows. According to Plato, the shadows are as close as the prisoners get to seeing reality. He then explains how the philosopher is like a prisoner who is freed from the cave and comes to understand that the shadows on the wall are not constitutive of reality at all, as he can perceive the true form of reality rather than the mere shadows seen by the prisoners.”

The victims of narcissists are like people in Plato’s cave: We do not believe it when somebody tells us there is light and sunshine and beautiful fields outside the cave, if we only take one step towards the right direction. We insist on staying in the darkness of the cave, because that world, regardless of its horrors, has become familiar to us. That is the world we know and even though we are not completely happy living in it, we are afraid to leave. We are afraid that we may not find anything better, that we might be left completely alone. But anything is better than to sit in a dark, cold, wet cave (grave) and just wait for the death. Outside the cave we at list have a chance of survival, we even have a chance to achieve Happiness. Whatever will happen outside the cave, it will be better than to live and die in darkness.

Having said that, let me say that I do understand how difficult it is to leave a narcissistic husband or wife. The mental hooks are buried so deep. I know this very well, because I have been in that situation with my narcissistic spouse. I know how it feels like when your brain is screaming at you “run, get out of here as fast as you can!”, but your heart makes you stay. If you are now in that situation, keep reading articles on this website and slowly you will start to realize what is best for YOU. The point will come when you will be strong enough to break free and leave your narcissistic spouse. The purpose of this website is to help you in that process.

Search your feelings and you will realize that your sadness, depression and anxiety are due to the fact that you believe your life will be somehow “empty” and “gray” without your narcissistic wife or husband. You have built yourself an identity as a spouse of your narcissistic partner and now you should rearrange your view of yourself and your life. This process is very painful. But trust me, you will get through it.

As for me, I still see his shadows on the wall from time to time, but my time in the light grows longer with each passing day.

More:

Narcissist as a Mental Abuser
Helping to Heal Your Brain
Being Manipulated by a Pro…The Narcissist
Toxic Men and Toxic Relationships
Narcissists…The Real Zombies
The Legacy o Distorted Love
Lack of Empathy: The Most Telling Narcissistic Trait
Problems with Emotional Intimacy


Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, narcissism, narcissist, non-monogamy, npd, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance

Look Into My Eyes

“Look into my eyes,”

He would say to me.

Exploring Sacred

Sexuality.

“Look into my eyes,”

As our bodies danced,

Mingling of our souls,

Put me in a trance.

“Look into my eyes,”

As he’d thrust inside,

Gazing down at me

Surging with the tide.

“Look into my eyes”

How I did believe,

When he spoke those words,

That he’d never leave.

“Look into my eyes.

You can trust in me.

Now release your soul;

Give your heart to me.”

“Look into my eyes,

Don’t see what’s truly there.

Believe these loving lies,

Not that I don’t care.”

“Look into my eyes.

Now I’m in control.

Look into my eyes,

While I rape your soul.”

Filed under: Short Fiction & Poetry Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, poetry, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, shattered

Insidious Lies (Podcast)

Episode 37: Insidious Lies (Podcast).

The most insidious lies are the ones we want to hear…or sometimes the ones we tell ourselves. Learn some of the lies predators tell to get your trust, and please learn to recognize the signs early and protect yourself from heartbreak and betrayal.

Insidious Lies (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

He’s Scared, She’s Scared. Highly Recommended Book on Commitmentphobes.

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, betrayal, consent, deception, emotional predator, enthusiastic, fear, healing, heart, heartbreak, heartbroken, help, honesty, insecurity, intimacy, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, predator, relationships, romance, self esteem, self-protection, sex, sexual predator, steampunk, trust

The Problem with Self-Awareness

Know Thyself.

Wise words carved into the temple at Delphi. Yet, here we are centuries later still in the dark about who we are. As a society, we live in serious denial. We self-medicate with drugs and distraction, and I don’t mean just illegal drugs. Caffeine and alcohol are both highly addictive drugs used for escape or for “coping.” Television and video games and even (or especially) the internet provide endless distraction, keeping us in the dark. Or, rather, allowing us to keep our fears and issues in the dark while we focus our minds on something else.

But what happens when you do become self-aware? When you find the courage to face your own fears and demons? When you face the sometimes dark reality of your issues and begin to seriously work on them?

You feel alone because so few people actually do that.

Then, as I’ve learned through personal experience, you become an easy blame target for those so deep in denial they think they are “normal.”

Funny word, normal.

With modern psychology, just about everything has been pathologized.

If you don’t have a diagnosis of your very own, it’s likely because you’ve never been to a psychiatrist or therapist to get one or (if you have been, it’s) because you’ve buried your issues so deep they haven’t overtly affected your life. Well, of course they have affected your life, but you have been unable to admit that, always blaming the other person or the world or your job. Even worse, you haven’t noticed they’ve affected your life because all you have ever known is dysfunction.

If all you know is dysfunction, would that be considered “normal”?

If mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety are diagnosed (notice I did not say present) in over 60% of the population, is that now “normal”?

New red flag for me: when someone says that they’re lucky because they’re perfectly “normal,” i.e. have escaped any emotional or mental issues.

Through my experience, these people are more dangerous and drama-producing than those who admit to being bipolar, having a panic or personality disorder, or suffering from acute anxiety or depression.

Why?

Because the more you get to know these “normal” people, the more symptoms of one or more disorders emerge. The difference: one person owns their issues and are actively working on improving them, themselves, and their relationships, and the other person hides their issues in the dark.

Picture emotional baggage. We start accumulating it around two years old. Think of a person who is open about struggling with depression and anxiety. Now picture them with several large bags at their feet. With them come these issues. They may look sad or they might be smiling. Life always contains ups and downs, so it would depend on when you catch them. The lit room behind them is empty.

Now picture the person who claims to have no baggage. Picture them standing beneath a spotlight with no baggage around them. They’re smiling and proud. You don’t see the room behind them because it’s in the dark. The light in on the face they show the world. But if one were to turn on the light to the room, one would find the entire room filled with piles of teetering boxes. Rotting corpses falling out of the over-filled closet at the back of the room. Windows blacked out so as not to let in any light, because out there is reality, and they must avoid that at all costs.

There is the difference between those who are self-aware and those who aren’t.

In my recent relationship, he said that he was lucky to have escaped any mental disorder. He also said he was “about as drama free as they come” on his OKCupid profile as well as saying how seriously he took responsibility, so he avoided it at all costs. Written in a charming way, but he is quite serious about not taking any responsibility. For anything.

Looking back, it’s rather comical to know he thinks of himself as “drama-free.”

As that wonderful picture that circulates around Facebook and the internet shows, those who claim to be drama-free or intolerant of drama are usually the ones causing most of it.

Yep.

A little misunderstanding was turned into a week-long painfest because he refused to face any type of conflict.

Um. Hello. Relationship.

Conflicts happen.

But in running from it, he exacerbated the entire thing, triggered and amplified both our fears, and ultimately caused the ending of the relationship. Over a tiny mistake. Ridiculous, really. Painfully absurd.

But, imagine that, I digress.

Throughout the relationship, as previously mentioned, I took on more anxiety because he kept me believing that I was too sensitive (*cough* gaslighting *cough*) and brought “too much anxiety into the relationship,” because it certainly wasn’t him causing the fear. No sir. No way. No how. It was all me. All the time.

Why was it so easy for him to blame it all on me? Why was I so ready to accept said blame?

Because I was upfront about my struggle with anxiety from the beginning. It was out in the open. It was there to be easily pointed at, blamed. So anything that came up was due to my “illness.” Anything that was short of perfectly and genuinely happy 100% of the time was my fault. My problem. Me causing stress in his happy, carefree, irresponsible life.

But we don’t strive for self-improvement for others; we strive for self-improvement for ourselves. When we know ourselves, we can begin to better ourselves. We can cause less pain through our growing consciousness.

As Eckhart Tolle says, Only someone who’s unconscious will use and manipulate another person, but then only an unconscious person can be used and manipulated.

As well as we thing we know ourselves, there is always another layer to examine. Although countless friends, readers, counselors, and other professionals have said how impressed they am with my level of self-awareness, honesty, and integrity. They speak to how rare and precious that is…

Yet, I allowed another abuser in very deep and didn’t even recognize the abuse as such. My “allowing” such a person in my life doesn’t make that person any less an abuser, a person who does others serious damage because of his inability and/or unwillingness to face his own fears and pain, thereby perpetuating the damage onto others. No. He is still a predator.

But by “allowing” the abuser in and by not recognizing his behavior as abuse until it was way too late, it shines a very big spotlight on my own level of self-awareness. Another layer uncovered. I learned something new about myself through the pain, which is unfortunately life’s greatest teacher at times.

My level of consciousness is wanting if I can still be used and manipulated. My filters aren’t tight enough. My armor not impenetrable enough.

So how does one not lose the capacity to love and trust? How does one keep the deep sense of compassion and empathy for other human beings? How does one continue to open one’s heart after being shattered time and again?

How does one remain open and honest? How does one keep their integrity? How does one face themselves and their growing self-awareness when it continues to reveal more pain?

How does one continue…and learn to protect themselves against those abusers flinging the proverbial arrows? Dropping the bombs? Without building impenetrable walls that keep out the pain but also keep out hope and love?

How does one build filters and not fortresses?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Please share what has worked or hasn’t worked for you. In the mean time, I will experiment with that delicate balance, but despite the level of spiritual and emotional betrayal by the auctioneer, I refuse to let it harden me to the point where I no longer love. The love comes from me, first. The joy I felt with him came from me. He didn’t put it there.

The love is within me.

The joy is within me.

The ecstasy and bliss are within me.

Although there is pain and fear and insecurities inside me, too. I face them head on. I turn into the waves. I dive into them, head on. I’m not afraid, for I know that in facing those things they pass much faster than by running from them.

I face it all. I embrace it all. For all of it. The joy and the sorrow. The bliss and the agony. It is all beautiful. It is all life and love. It is all experience that makes us human.

By burying it and running from it, you hurt yourself and everyone who comes into contact with you.

Courage. Find it.

Then, let’s talk.

Peace.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: anxiety, author, bipolar, bpd, broken heart, depression, emotional abuse, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, introspection, love, mental disorder, mental illness, misogyny, narcissism, narcissist, non-monogamy, npd, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, pathology, personality disorder, polyamory, predator, relationship advice, relationships, romance, self-aware, self-awareness, sex, shattered