O.M. Grey's Blog, page 24
July 13, 2012
Building a Romantic Relationship (Podcast)
Episode 41: Building a Romantic Relationship (Podcast).
The best advice I can give you is the same advice I’ve been given again and again, and have promptly ignored because I was swept up in passion.
Take your time. Protect yourself. Open your heart to love, but keep your eyes open as well.
Building a Romantic Relationship (Podcast)
Download: 41_PolyamoryBlog.mp3
-_Q
Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abuse, author, compersion, consent, deception, emotional abuse, enthusiastic, fear, healing, heart, heartbroken, help, honesty, insecurity, insidious, intimacy, jealous, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, poly, polyamory, power, relationship, relationships, romance, romantic, self esteem, self-protection, sex, steampunk, trauma, traumatic, trust
July 11, 2012
Poly vs. Amory
[image error]Here’s the thing.
I’ve learned so fucking much in the past two years, and I’m going to share it with you without holding back. Not even a little bit.
This is “my truth,” as the new-agey, responsibility-avoiding people like to say. This is my fucking truth. (And, fyi, I’m going to say fuck a lot.)
My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years. Although, I suppose the first few were much more about being a nondescript form of an open marriage since we weren’t seeking multiple, committed, loving relationships, the theory behind our lifestyle is what I’ve said again and again:
Love Breeds Love
Desire Breeds Desire.
Any encounter we had outside our marriage during those first few years were very open and the intentions on both sides were very, very clear.
When we moved into practicing polyamory, that is, seeking out another committed, loving relationship, I learned that not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as we do. Well, as those people who are actually and successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.
Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really fucking focused on quantity rather than quality. Hmmm…I CAN have more than one girlfriend/lover/SO…so I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see, I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!
Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months.
HELLO! NOT POLYAMORY.
That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ENDING.
Or, the other kind I’ve found are people who are players, predators, sex addicts, or people who have such “taboo kinks,” they have slipped past “kinks” into sexual perversions, like incest and animals. Seriously. No judgment here folks! I mean, how horrifying to be judged for preferring to fuck (or be fucked by) another species over humans, right? Or wanting to fuck your 15-yr-old sister or your long lost birth mother. That’s all just in the realm of sex positivity, right? No judgment. No blame. There’s nothing wrong with your behavior or desires. Natural urges and all that… /sarcasm
I’ll get more into this on my Blinders of Sex Positivity post in a few weeks. Another post. Another time.
Mostly, though, I’ve met players and boys masquerading as men, and some monsters masquerading as humans. The polyamorous community certainly attracts the predators. And how.
But of course it does! A group of open, honest, trusting women who like sex (and are open about that). It’s a fucking feeding frenzy for parasites, narcissists, psychopaths, and other such predators. How very naive of me to think that someone calling themselves polyamorous was really interested in multiple, open and honest, loving, committed relationships. How very fucking naive of me.
Psychopathic predators and abusers aside, as I’m really tired of talking about them and, as I keep being told, they’ll get theirs one day.
‘Cause that happens.
The community is very self-cleansing, I’m told. I just wonder how many other women’s lives will be shattered and how many others will be assaulted before they catch on to his game. Not much of a community who doesn’t protect their own good people.
Again, I digress. Imagine that.
Also in the Austin Poly Community are several truly polyamorous families. They are what’s knows as the “core group.” One of them even call themselves the polypod, and I think that’s rather adorable. The polypod, from what I’ve seen (and I’ve only seen them from a distance), as well as the few other multi-relationship groups who I know a little better and I’d consider friends, are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully.
They are open. Honest. Respectful. Loving. Supportive.
They commit and invest in their relationships.
They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about MORE LOVE…not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that. Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.
The most successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about LOVE! It’s all about LOVE!
Relationships take effort. Investment. Time and energy to solidify.
So, if you claim to be poly, think about this…
If you want to be poly, think about this…
Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.
When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one.
This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, btw, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.
Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncracies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts (HELLO AGAIN! ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP!). Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both side. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other.
THEN — open up to dating others, and I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for. If it is, be very fucking up front about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first. FOR ANOTHER YEAR!
Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous). Misunderstandings.
Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so so so so many just don’t get it) HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE EFFORT, INVESTMENT, and RESPONSIBILITY!
After the second is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs that aren’t being met, then look for a third. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone BETTER, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your own little polypod. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love FEELS loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.
It’s about MORE LOVE.
Always, more love.
If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – WHY DO YOU WANT ANOTHER? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels.
You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”
Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, YOU’RE NOT POLY!
If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly.
You’re selfish.
The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past few months. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?
And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long fucking way to go.
I guess the anger portion of the grieving has set in. It’s about fucking time.
Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: assault, author, bdsm, broken heart, casual sex, commitment, commitmentphobe, commitmentphobia, date, dating, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, incest, intimacy, kink, lie, lies, love, misogyny, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, player, polyamory, psychopath, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, sexual assault, sexual predator, sociopath, swinger
July 9, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 12
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Download: AR_Podcast_CH12.mp3
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sadism, sadist, sado-masochism, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel
July 6, 2012
The Joy of Sex (Podcast)
Episode 40: The Joy of Sex (Podcast).
Welcome back to the Poly Podcast!
This week! The Joy of Sex, and what a joy it can be. Remember, it’s a gift you give yourself and your lover. It’s sacred. It’s beautiful. It can be utterly profound.
Treat it as such.
Never use sex to punish or control. It’s like spitting in the face of The Divine. Only monsters do such things.
Download: 40_PolyamoryBlog.mp3
-_Q
Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abuse, author, bdsm, compersion, consent, deception, emotional abuse, enthusiastic, fear, gaslight, gaslighting, healing, heart, heartbroken, help, honesty, insecurity, insidious, intimacy, jealous, jealousy, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, poly, polyamory, power, rape, relationships, romance, self esteem, self-protection, sex, sexual assault, steampunk, trauma, traumatic, trust
July 5, 2012
“Look Into My Eyes” – Accepted!
Wow! This is a great week for me! First a short story, now a poem!
My poem “Look Into My Eyes” was accepted for publication by SNM Horror Magazine for their Dark Poetry section.
SCORE!
Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, intimacy, love, manipulation, misogyny, narcissism, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, poetry, polyamory, psychological rape, psychopath, psychopathy, rape, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, sexual assault, spiritual rape, steampunk
July 4, 2012
Glorious Independence
[image error]Independence.
Today we celebrate independence from tyranny.
Independence from manipulation.
Independence from abusive control.
Fuck yeah. Amen to that.
After the past several months of dealing with a rather deep trauma, I’m finally free, and it feels so good. I can’t really tell you what happened. Just one day, something flipped. I think the EMDR helped. The time helped. Getting past that four month mark helped.
Now I’m writing again. I’m finishing up a novel, something I haven’t been able to do in two years. I’ll be finished with it by Saturday, edits through Monday, and then off to the editor.
Then, onto the next novel.
It’s liberating and empowering.
It’s wonderful!
In the mean time, I’ve had a short story accepted for publication, and I’ve started getting more works out again. I’m submitting poetry & short stories to various markets as well as writing new ones. I’m running and singing and dancing on the trails now. Dipping in Barton Pool. Meditating in the mornings and listening to the perfect moments as the birds sing outside my window. I’m teaching Hamlet starting next week, the realization of a 20-year dream, and I couldn’t feel more fulfilled. I feel comfortable by myself and even prefer it, although the company of gentleman is quite welcome from time to time, and I’m once again able to enjoy that, too.
Basically, I’m loving every moment of this beautiful life. And what wonderful moments they are.
Breathing in, I smile.
I thank everyone who stood by me through this difficult time. Your friendship and support will never be forgotten, and I will continue to pay such support and love forward (or back) to any who might be in need of it. I’m thrilled that so many of my posts helped others feel less alone, for their comments helped me feel less alone.
If there is time over the next day or so, I will resume the Poly Podcasts, for I’m able to read those posts now without the emotional charge. And what a freedom that is…on this glorious Independence Day.
I have freedom and I have love.
I have it all.
May you all find peace as well.
Namaste.
Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: amazon, author, author visit, avalon, avalon revisited, book, england, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, poetry, polyamory, relationships, romance, sex, short story
July 3, 2012
“Lost and Found” – Accepted!
Yippee!
I’m dancing in the meadow!
Twirling on the trail!
Splashing in the spring!
My short story “Lost and Found” has been accepted by Tales of the Talisman for publication in Spring 2013. This was one of the stories written through my Kickstarter campaign last fall, commissioned by Mr. Robbie Boerner. Thank you for your support again Robbie, and I’m so pleased that our story was accepted!
Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: author, david lee summers, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, polyamory, relationship advice, romance, short story, steampunk, tales of the talisman, victorian
July 2, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 11
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Download: AR_Podcast_CH11.mp3
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sadism, sadist, sado-masochism, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel
June 25, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 10
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Download: AR_Podcast_CH10.mp3
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel
June 22, 2012
My Heart Still Wants to Believe
And I still haven’t, as much as I try to convince myself I have.
Such is the heart of a hopeless romantic with a deep belief in the goodness of people.
Näive. I know.
So, a poem…
-_Q
Though it was several months ago
My heart still wants to believe
That a love like our love
Is the kind of a love
One never has to grieve.
But grieve I have for four long months,
And there seems no end in sight.
Although I try, I can’t forget:
He discarded me that night.
I cried and cried as he moved inside,
Not stopping nor comforting me,
He turned over to sleep.
I continued to weep.
In horror, I had to flee.
He was not my love.
Not anymore.
Something had changed in him.
He pushed me away.
Lost his soul in a day.
Began to condescend.
Then came the cruelty.
Then he withdrew.
Then he hid from me.
He said that he knew
There was someone far better
Someone far better
Someone far better than me.
He all but said, “We’re through.”
There was a time he seemed so kind.
Entwined we were at our core,
And we loved with a love
That was more than the love
Either had known before.
We laughed and we danced,
Put ourselves in a trance
With ecstatic energy.
Got trapped in a mall,
Midnight hike to the falls,
Kissing beneath a tree.
That elusive hair gel,
And me under your spell
At CVS Pharmacy.
Your body at dawn,
Arms keeping me warm.
My heart still wants to believe.
Presence and peace,
Shelling those peas,
The times we shared: Pure Joy!
Meditate in the morn.
Watching some porn.
You lucky, lucky boy.
That sweet body buzz.
A shower with suds.
Texting me, “Are you here yet?”
Dripping wine on my skin.
Quiver. Pleading, come in.
Basking together in bed.
Auctions and friends.
That perfect weekend.
Coffee in the jacuzzi.
Pizza and wine.
A kiss and then dine.
His love made me quite woozy.
I still feel that love,
That joy and that bliss,
Like it was yesterday.
But then I recall
That he never called.
He took it all away.
Not one single call,
Not one single text
In these four long months apart.
And still I do cry
Everyday that goes by
Alone and in the dark.
Because just one day
His mask fell away,
And showed the monster inside.
It came out to play.
My heart it did slay.
That day my soul did die.
The transcendence, it turned
Into something that burned.
In anger, he ravished me.
Devalue, discard.
Became ever so hard.
The demon had set itself free.
So now when I run or hike or bike
I remember the summer we planned:
Living and laughing
In such joy and bliss,
A dip in the pool,
A kiss
That we were supposed to share.
But he went away,
And I long for the day
He lovingly gazed at me,
Not this monster that doesn’t care.
Every tree sings a song
Telling how it went wrong.
I catch my breath and I sigh.
Every step on the trail
I cry out and I wail,
“He should be by my side.”
It hurts to remember
His eyes were so tender
When he said that he adored me.
I lost something profound
Was forced down to the ground.
I hope that you all can see
That I try hard to let go,
Accept he said no,
My soul deserves to be free.
Yet still I wait
Yet still I pray
My heart still wants to believe
That the monster’s the mask
Who threw me in the trash;
It that had chosen to leave.
Oh please let it be.
Please, please convince me!
That the hard can turn soft
That damned mask can come off
That love is still beneath.
Give the demon its leave.
Let my lover be free
Of the fears that confine him,
Keep the monster inside him,
And bring my love back to me.
My heart just still wants to believe.
For we loved with a love
That was more than just love
We loved with a love
Transcendent.
A love like our love
Is that kind of a love
And I will forever defend it.
Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships, Short Fiction & Poetry Tagged: author, BDSM, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, love, narcissism, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, psychological rape, psychopath, rape, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, spiritual rape
