O.M. Grey's Blog, page 21

Clarity and Consent

My rapist showed up at B.E.D. (Bureau of Erotic Discourse) during a sexual assault awareness workshop “Clarity and Consent” to confront me. I saw his face, and it was the monster. My lover wasn’t there at all.

How did he know I’d be there? He’s been cyberstalking me for months. He knows what I’ve been through. He’s watched my pain. He’s admitted to reading my blog on the Flipizen group as well as privately to several sexual assault survivors, trying to get them on his side. The utter nerve astounds me.

My husband tried to stop him from coming in, but he refused to leave. He said he was going in to confront me, period.

I retreated to the back, panic rising. Two lovely people sat with me in the back, hidden until I felt safe again.

My rapist still refused to go away. It took three people to get him to leave.

See, doesn’t respect boundaries.

It’s what he wants when he wants it. It’s about him, fuck everyone else, and his face…it was the monster. The cold, predatory stare, trying to intimidate me into silence.

But I will not be silent. Never again.

He’s finding quite a few surprises here on the playa, a place where they have zero-tolerance for rapists and sexual assault, unlike the Austin Poly Community. Unlike the Austin Ecstatic Dance Community. Unlike half the Austin Burner Community.

(interestingly enough, I met a woman who tried to give a workshop on safe words in Austin a few years back, and she was told “we don’t have those problems here” …yep. Head. Sand.)

Here on the West Coast, especially at Black Rock City, rapists aren’t welcome, and it seems the Austin Poly Rapist is being turned away from several sex-positive camps where he could possibly hurt others.

The BR Rangers and BM911 know. The reports had been updated. My lawyer has been notified.

I’m sure my rapist will try to confront me again, and I’ll be prepared.

And if he threatens me, he will be removed from Burning Man. If he assaults me, he’ll be arrested.

This is the man the Austin Poly Community protects, an accused rapist who singles out assault survivors and pleads with them to take his side. An accused rapist who shows up to a camp full of survivors and displays a cold rage, cold aggression, clearly stating that he doesn’t care about boundaries, that he will do what he wants.

Yep. Silent no more.

And now, I have my staff with me.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: austin ecstatic dance, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, austin polyamory, consent, olivia grey, omgrey, rape, rape survivor, sex, sexual assault, sexuality

Playa Bound

A new outfit for Burning Man 2012! Dystopian Steampunk Warrior, as suggested by a friend. It was fun making this today, and I’m very excited about going to BM12! I’m ready to defend myself, if necessary. Hopefully it won’t be.

Maybe I’ll make her a character in my new book!

Whaddya think, Q?

So, I won’t be around much next week, as internet on the Playa is rather sparse (I’ll still find some, though). Who am I kidding? I’ll probably find a way to post a blog from BRC. Still, once I’m back, all podcasts will resume in Sept. Yay!

We’ve got early entry passes, so we’ll be arriving home in BRC Saturday night! )’(

Look for me out on the playa, friends…just don’t cross me.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, burning man, olivia grey, omgrey, playa, romance, sex, steampunk

Of Grace & Gratitude

Communication is key. We hear that again and again. But some people really don’t take the time to learn how to communicate with their partners.

So much can be created or destroyed in just one conversation. And if both people aren’t committed and invested in the relationship, a few misunderstandings and selfish/egocentric communication choices can end, or seriously damage, a relationship.

People in healthy relationships practice effective, nonviolent communication. They practice understanding and compassion and patience. They take responsibility for their own actions, as well as taking at least partial responsibility for their partner’s heart. They practice grace and gratitude.

I took an amazing class at the Human Potential Center in Austin, Texas this past spring. It was called “How to be Assertive and Loving, Too.” I learned so much in that class. I learned that I was actually more assertive than I thought! I had feared I was too passive in a recent failed relationship, but it turns out I was quite assertive, but that assertiveness is only so effective if your partner is aggressive. The most important thing that I learned is that a person can be aggressive, and their words can still sound loving or even spiritual.

The intention behind the words are often as important, if not more important, than the words themselves.

An aggressive person has the intention: “Fuck you. This is about me and what I want. Period.”

An assertive person has the intention: “I am taking care of myself and my own needs while taking care of you and your needs.” This comes from a place of love and compromise, establishing a win – win situation through love, communication, and compassion.

A passive person comes from the intention: “Whatever you want is what we’ll do. You are more important than I am.”

In healthy relationships, always strive to come from an assertive and loving place. Use “I” statements to express yourself. For example, instead of “You neglected me all night,” say “I felt neglected.” The second one takes responsibility for your feelings; the first one blames the other.

So remember, aggressive behavior and selfish intentions can sound extremely loving and even spiritual.

Below are examples of a couple of conversations. These conversations are more overtly abusive and aggressive then aggression can sound by a skilled manipulator, but aggression that sounds loving and spiritual is very difficult to portray on the page, as it’s really about situation, intonation, and intent. Intent under the best circumstances it’s very difficult to prove, and even more difficult to show in writing

Just look at the difference in the examples. I normally don’t like to use the words “wrong” and “right,” as they suggest judgment. And what is “right” for one person may not be “right” for another person. But in the examples below, I’m using the word “right” to mean a way to support the relationship and behave lovingly to your significant other; “wrong” to mean ways to certainly fuck up a relationship, to be disrespectful, abusive, and cruel.

SCENE ONE:

Set up: Four polyamorous people just spent a non-sexual evening together.

A: the boyfriend. B: his ex-girlfriend(GF). C: his current GF. D: her husband.

A held C’s hand for ten minutes. The rest of the time he gave huge amounts of inappropriate loving and borderline sexual affection to B, his ex who is not yet over him. C felt neglected and unseen. D was quite appalled. B was confused and hopeful. A saw no problem with his behavior. C & D left, and A said he’d come, too. Instead, he lingers with B and tenderly kissed her in front of C. He hadn’t done that since they split 4 months prior, nor had he shown her that kind of affection or attention since the split. It hurt and confused B. C & D went outside to let A & B say their goodbyes, but after staying around waiting for 5 minutes, not knowing what A & B were doing inside, left.

*Wrong*

C: I felt completely neglected.

A: Really? Because I thought that was perfect.

C: I felt really ignored all night.

A. I held your hand!

C: Yes, for like 10 minutes, and that was great! Then you hardly even looked at me while you caressed B’s legs and tummy for the next hour. Look, I can understand that we haven’t been all together before and maybe you just didn’t know what to do in that situation. D was taking good care of B and cuddling with her before you got there. I stayed back just keeping a solid connection with my husband by touching his legs while they cuddled. Everything has been so blissful between you and me, I wanted to help them feel loved and cared for, so they cuddled close. D hoped his caring for B would’ve left you free and comfortable to cuddle with me. It’s great you give B affection, really! I really am impressed with how hard you’re both working to find a way to love in a new, nonromantic way, as I’ve said so many times before. Just give me affection, too. Please just don’t ignore me.

A: I just can’t win! I’m sure B feels the same way. I’m sure she’d say I paid too much attention to you. You had your husband and your boyfriend there. B had no one.

C: I know, and I understand that. You know I’ve been putting a lot of effort towards embracing her and helping her feel loved. Whenever she’s around, I always back off. But she’s your EX-girlfriend. I’m your current GF.

A: You’re being so negative. I thought it was a perfect night with the two women I love most in the world, and you’re bursting my bubble.

C: I don’t mean to, my love. But it’s okay to show me affection in front of my husband, and B needs to see us together, too. She’s very confused now and thinks you might be getting back together. I think it’s great you two are trying to find a way to still be in each other’s lives lovingly, but all that affection tonight hurt her. It hurt me, too.

A: Well, I’m not responsible for your emotions.

C: I know you’re not. I’m just expressing myself to you. I’m not saying you did anything wrong, sweetheart. This is new for all of us. We’re just learning how to be a family, so it’s okay.

A: I would apologize, but I feel that would be diminishing my effort. I’m very angry with you. Why couldn’t you have talked to your husband about this and left me alone on my high? I was so happy. You’ve ruined my entire night.

*Right*

C: I felt completely neglected.

A: Oh, sweetheart! I’m so sorry you felt neglected! It wasn’t my intention to neglect you.

C: I know it wasn’t, honey. This is new for all of us. We’re just learning how to be a family, so it’s okay.

A: I wasn’t sure how much affection I could show you in front of your husband.

C: That’s understandable. He knows we’re in love and very affectionate with each other, so in the future know it’s okay to just be like we always are together: loving and affectionate. I’d like him to see you loving on me. It would show him that you care. It was just a new, awkward situation tonight.

A: Can I make it up to you?

C: What have you got in mind?

A: I think you know exactly what’s on my mind.

C: Mmmmmm.

SCENE TWO:

A canceled plans on C to be with B, but C had to find out about it from B. She asked A about it. (E is A’s other GF, and F is C’s other BF)

*Wrong*

C: Are we still on for Wednesday night?

A: Well, I realized I wouldn’t be seeing B this week, so I’m going to hang out with her instead.

C: When were you going to tell me?

A: I haven’t had the chance yet.

C: You were over at my place yesterday and we’ve been talking now for ten minutes.

A: Look. Plans change, C. You know that, right? I mean, you DO know that plans change?

C: Of course, but this isn’t a change of plans because something unexpected came up. This is you canceling on me to be with your ex, and I had to find out from her.

A: I’m not canceling plans with you. I’m opting out of a group activity you’re planning.

C: This was supposed to be for all of us. You know E and her husband will be there as will F and his other GF. My husband, too. This was supposed to be so we could all get to know each other better. Our little poly family.

A: Plans change.

C: I know that. I just wish you had told me.

A: Look. We’re seeing a lot of each other lately, and I wasn’t going to get to see B this week. That’s it.

C: Okay.

*Right*

C: Are we still on for Wednesday night?

A: I actually made plans with B for Wednesday.

C: When were you going to tell me?

A: I was scared to. After what happened at her place last Friday, I didn’t know how to say it.

C: I want you to always feel comfortable talking with me, sweetheart. I don’t want you to edit yourself, but I feel kinda pushed aside, especially after what happened last Friday. This was supposed to be for all of us. You know E and her husband will be there as will F and his other GF. My husband, too. This was supposed to be so we could all get to know each other better. Our little poly family.

A: I know it was, and I’m so sorry I’ll miss it.

C: Maybe it’s best. You and she need to set up some boundaries. Your affection to her last Friday really confused her. She thought you two might be getting back together. She even canceled two dates because she was so upset and confused by it all.

A: I know, and that’s what we’re going to talk about. You’re right, we do have to set some boundaries. I don’t want to inadvertently hurt her or you again. And I sure don’t want you to feel pushed aside. I love you, and you are such a significant part of my life, but this is just all new and I’m having trouble juggling everything. I’m feeling overwhelmed.

C: I can understand that. It’s all new for me, too.

A: I’m really grateful for this gorgeous connection we share.

C: Likewise. I love you.

A: I love you, too. Maybe we can reschedule the poly family get together next week?

C: Deal! Are we still on for this Thursday?

A: You bet! I can’t wait to celebrate three wonderful months with you. Hiking all day, making love all night. Wine-flavored kisses. I might even feed you some chocolate if you’re a good girl.

C: I can be a really really good girl.

A: Indeed you can…

-_Q

What a difference.

Some kindness, personal responsibility, and compassion makes all the difference in the world.

Be kind. Empathize. Embrace and nurture your SO’s insecurities.

Reassure. Communicate. Love.

Show some grace. Express a lot of gratitude.

-_Q

P.S. If your SO talks like A in either *wrong* scenario. Get out, and get out fast. This is more than just a problem of communication skills. This behavior shows no compassion or personal responsibility. This is not the behavior of someone who is invested in a loving relationship. This is the behavior of an abuser, a callous, selfish person who is most using you, at best, and at worst, s/he is a psychopath, incapable of empathy or accepting responsibility for their actions. Incapable of love or any real emotion. Run. Very fucking fast.
And, yes, the *wrong* scenarios were taken from actual conversations.

The Scene One before the rape (its what I was punished for), and the second in between the two assaults. I couldn’t bear to relive the conversation on that last day, preceding the second assault, but perhaps one day soon I’ll be able to reproduce that one with tips on how to more effectively and loving talk with your SO.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin burn, austin ecstatic dance, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, austin polyamory, austin sex positive, austin yoga studio, author, broken heart, burning flipside, communication, flipizen, healing, heartbroken, honesty, human potential center, intimacy, love, LTR, misogyny, narcissist, non-monogamy, olivia grey, omgrey, passion, rape, relationship advice, relationships, sexual assault

“Legitimate” Rape.

Todd Akin. Republican misogynist. Rape apologist.

I’m sure you’ve heard. If not, please read this: The Rape Skeptic

This man has been trying to limit the definition of rape for decades. He inherently doesn’t trust rape survivors and would rather placate the accused (hmmmm…sounds like a community I know). Rape is rape is rape. “Forcible” rape with a weapon, physical threats, or emotional threats. Stranger or acquaintance or lover or kin or spouse.

Rape is rape is rape.

Todd Akin perpetuates rape culture. Don’t let him.

Please sign this: http://www.dccc.org/pages/denounce-todd-akin

 

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: austin burner community, austin ecstatic dance, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, austin polyamory, austin yoga studio, author, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, rape, rape apologist, rape skeptic, republican, sexual assault, todd akin

Steampunk Spotlight: The Contraptions Revisited

The following is a guest post for the return of Steampunk Spotlight. Enjoy!

-_Q

Greetings students of the aetheric sciences, ragamuffins, airship pirates, steampunks, and anachronauts! My name is Professor Dimitri von Stadberg, bassist and singer for The Extraordinary Contraptions, a trans-dimensional rock ensemble from Atlanta, GA (round these parts we refer to our fair city as “Terminus”). Ms Grey was kind enough to hand over the controls of her Steampunk Spotlight for a few moments that I might tell you a bit about what we’re up to these days:

After spending the past several months recording, plotting, and crafting in our studio deep in the bowels of von Stadberg Keep, we Contraptions are on the very cusp of releasing our brand new album, The Time Traveler’s constant (not to worry, no bananas or plutonium were harmed in the making of this phonorecord). We can barely contain our excitement! Digital copies have already gone out to our very generous Kickstarter backers and we’ll be releasing digital and physical copies to the general public at our ginormous Dragon*Con album release party on the evening of Thursday, the 30th of August at the Hyatt Regency Atlanta. This performance, like all of Dragon*Con’s Thursday programming, is FREE and open to the public. No badge required. Come at 8:30 to see our friends The Aeronauts and Valentine Wolf and stick around to see us hit the stage at 11:30, along with special guests from a number of other notable acts with a steamtastic following. Come one, come all! It will be quite the wondrous spectacle.

Other items of note: concurrent with the new album, we will be launching an all new web site with a plethora of special features. We’re also on the verge of releasing our first “studio” music video to go along with one of the songs from the new album (and we have plans in the works for others to follow). We’re also gearing up to hit the road this Fall, Winter, and Spring, so be on the lookout for contraptulatronic performances coming to a convention, festival, event, or nightclub near you!

From our Facebook bio:

A chemist, a time traveler, a gentleman explorer, and a mad genius join forces… to save the world with their aural odysseys of steam, strife, and romance! The Extraordinary Contraptions, those dimension-hopping rock-and-rollers from Atlanta, Georgia, create a total art centered upon epic songwriting and superb musicianship as they spin their melodical tales from a time that never was. They effortlessly fuse the steampunk aesthetic, a DIY work ethic, and rock and roll sensibilities to offer a unique experience that grows and evolves with each new timestream they visit.

Where to find us:

www.theextraordinarycontraptions.com

www.facebook.com/theextraordinarycontraptions

theextraordinarycontraptions.bandcamp.com

plus.google.com/u/0/114509351504550811547/posts

www.youtube.com/thecontraptions

twitter: @thecontraptions

-_Q

See their first Steampunk Spotlight here!

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: band, dragon con, dragoncon, kickstarter, music, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open marriage, steampunk, the aeronauts, the extraordinary contraptions, time travel, valentine wolf

Responsible Community Response

It’s a horrific subject.

It’s a horrific act.

It’s a horrific aftermath.

In fact, there is absolutely nothing pleasant or fun or “sex-positive” about sexual assault and rape. No one wants to talk about it, and I can hardly blame them. It’s, as previously mentioned, horrific. Until I was raped, I avoided the subject like the proverbial plague. And, perhaps (in part) because I did avoid it, it’s now all I can talk about because I’m now a survivor myself. The assaults were not my fault. The fault lies solely on the rapist, but perhaps if I had talked about it, addressed it, recognized that is *could* happen to me and with a trusted lover, then I would’ve been more prepared to respond when it did happen, instead of just going into shock. Perhaps.

I’ve spoken with nearly a dozen sexual assault professionals in the past two months and have done countless hours of research on sexual assault in our culture, the “rape culture,” and read too many examples of sexual assault/rape. In every. single. instance, the survivor is not believed. Even when there is video evidence. So I know that it’s not personal that my former community doesn’t believe me. They probably just don’t know what to believe. They don’t know what to think. They just don’t want to think about it. They want to go back to hooping and dancing and orgasms and forget such evil exists.

I want to do that, too.

The difference: I can’t. Because when I hoop, I think of how he replaced me so quickly. When I dance, I think of dancing with him. When I try to have any kind of sexual activity, including masturbation, I still see him. My assailant. My rapist.

But I get that the community doesn’t know what to do or what to say or what to believe. They don’t want to believe it’s someone they know and maybe even love. They don’t want to believe it, and neither do I.

Doesn’t change the truth.

So, for future reference for the Austin Poly Community, the Austin Ecstatic Dance Community, and the Austin Burner Community, as well as all other communities throughout our culture, here is how to handle a rape accusation:

Believe the survivor. Whatever the “truth” of the situation, the wo/man feels assaulted, violated, traumatized. That is very, very real for the survivor, and there is very likely a good reason for it. Remember, 98.5% of reported sexual assaults/rapes are telling the truth. Odds are, s/he is, too. Believe them.

This is what believing them looks like:

“I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not your fault. I’m here for as much or as little as you’d like to share. Without judgment. With only support and love.”
“What can I/we do to help you feel safe?”
“Do you need someone to go to the Rape Crisis Center with you?”
“Do you need someone to go to the Police with you?”
“I believe you.”
Check in with them often. Perhaps have a support group of 5 to 7 people who each take a day of the week to be there so no one person gets overwhelmed with the PTSD. After all, everyone has their own lives to deal with as well.
Remind them that you believe them and are still with them often. Understand that it takes MONTHS if not years to get over something like rape or sexual assault, if anyone ever truly “gets over it.” It changes a person on a very deep level.
Understand that there is a spectrum of rape/sexual assault. They don’t all look like a stranger jumping out of the bushes and forcing himself with violence or deadly weapons. (An abuser has a wide, insidious arsenal, and they use love and trust and even spirituality as weapons of manipulation.) Rape/sexual assault also looks like crossed boundaries without further, explicit consent. It also looks like having sex with someone who is too drunk or drugged or distraught or scared to freely consent. It also looks like not stopping when indicated to stop either verbally or with physical cues like pushing him away or pulling away or crying. That’s removed consent. Which means, if he doesn’t stop, that’s rape. Period.
Encourage wo/men to speak up in the community. Consider a private blacklist of those accused shared privately with women. Warn newcomers up front of people who have been accused of sexual assault or “bad boundaries” or whatever. Let them decide with all the information available. Don’t let them become another victim blindly.
Reach out to the survivor personally, offering support. If you don’t, s/he will assume you are taking the accused’s side. I can’t begin to express how lonely this has been, even with the support shown by those close to me. The shame and isolation and fear is staggering. Reach out.
BELIEVE THEM! Several years ago in the Austin burner (Flipside) community, a man was accused of sexual assault. The community rallied around him in support, claiming he’d never do such a thing. When a brave woman filed a report, THIRTEEN others came forward having been assaulted by this same man. Don’t let so many others be hurt because you feel uncomfortable with the topic of conversation. Your discomfort is minimal compared to the extensive PTSD and life-altering trauma caused by sexual assault. Seriously.

Now another is accused. They’re behaving the same way, publicly at least. Rallying around him. How many others must be hurt before you begin asking the right questions?

If you and your community are interested in helping their members feel safe and protected…if you don’t want to perpetuate rape culture…if you want to encourage more wo/men to speak out when this happens, DO NOT SAY:

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure he didn’t mean to.”
“I know him, and he’d never do that.” – because, you really don’t know him. Seeing him at dances and potlucks and dinners isn’t knowing him. Abusers keep a very, very believable and charming facade in public. Period.
“Maybe he just got carried away.”
“That’s a very serious accusation. Do you have proof?” – This isn’t a court of law. This is a person who has been traumatized.
And don’t ostracize them. Take extra steps to include them and make them feel safe. There is a lot of shame that goes along with this type of trauma, and the tendency is for victims to self-blame and isolate. Reassure them it’s not their fault over and over. Show them they have support. Otherwise, they’ll assume they don’t because no one is talking to her/him. They’ll think you just don’t care, because that’s rape culture. They’ve already heard the above far too often.

Question the accused. This doesn’t mean assume guilt. This doesn’t mean condemn them. This doesn’t mean ostracize them. This means QUESTION THEM.

This is what you do/say:

“What happened?”
“Why does s/he think consent was removed/not given? Why were you still having sex with him/her if consent had been removed?
Don’t let them skirt by on reputation and charm alone. They must speak to the events.
Watch his reaction. If the word “crazy” or “sick” comes out of his mouth to excuse the accusation, beware. Look at how many other “crazy” exes the wo/man has. Has another “crazy” ex threatened to burn his apt down? Has a third been his “stalker” for 5 yrs? What’s the common denominator here? Does he go through wo/men as often as he gets his oil changed?
Watch them. Have there been others? Do they go through wo/men quickly? Are there other symptoms of abuse?
WATCH THEM: do they take responsibility FOR ANYTHING? Have they done everything they can to make amends/apologize/treat the survivor with care and understanding? (And not just by his word, by the survivor’s word, too.)
WATCH THEM: if they vehemently deny and throw up gorilla dust and gather yes wo/men as character witnesses and don’t speak to the events, HUGE RED FLAG. This is how abusers respond. This is how a guilty person responds. It’s all about control and avoidance of responsibility.
If they behave guilty, they probably are. Then, instead of saying “He’s my friend, he can’t be a rapist,” turn that around: “He’s a rapist. He can’t be my friend.” Period. (As Thomas says: “The rapists can’t be your friends, and if you are loyal to them even when faced with the evidence of what they do, you are complicit .”) [emphasis mine]
98.5% of reported sexual assaults are truthful. If s/he says she was assaulted/abused, odds are, she probably was. Which means, he’s probably guilty. Or, if not “guilty” of “rape,” then at least responsible for some sort of horrendous misunderstanding, mistake, bad judgment, or abuse that resulted in deep trauma. The assumption should be the survivor is telling the truth.
If he is unwilling to take responsibility, to be accountable, to do everything they can to make amends with the wo/man traumatized, then they’re likely guilty. If not guilty of rape, at least not someone who is honest or with integrity, someone who abuses and treats people badly and without kindness or respect. In this case, ostracize them.

We must shift the burden of care.

It’s truly amazing just how much accepting responsibility, showing remorse, giving a sincere apology, and freely offering atonement, whatever it takes, and/or sacrifice for slights (in other words, behaving like a human being with compassion and integrity) can heal.

The law is decades behind us. It is up to us to protect our loved ones and our communities from these predators. Are you willing to accept that just because there isn’t enough evidence for a criminal case (like 86% of reported cases) that what s/he did wasn’t still morally reprehensible and deeply damaging to the other person? Do you want to be another person who behaves as if it’s acceptable that 97% of rapists walk free to rape again? Ostracize them. Let them find another feeding ground, and they will. Just don’t allow them to continue to feed on your friends, your wives, your girlfriends, your sisters.

Please remember, the monster is well hidden. The mask is so very convincing, even those close to him won’t see it, and even when they see glimpses, they’ll excuse them away because everything else is so wonderful. The control and manipulation happens so very gradually that it’s like a frog in a pot of boiling water. No one sees until it’s far, far too late.

In my case, I’ve been very *very* transparent and honest on this blog regarding the events without going into graphic detail in such a public forum (although I have on other rape survivor sites, and I’ll happily link you to it privately), so I’m being right out there about the events, asking for accountability and responsibility. I’ve taken responsibility for my part in this, and I have done so from early on.

He has not responded to any events. It’s all be gorilla dust and self-righteous indignation.

He has not tried to make amends, take responsibility, or apologize.

He has not shown me a shred of kindness since he sexually assaulted me twice and subsequently discarded me.

So, who’s next? Are you as a community willing to become complicit in abuse because you don’t want to even look more closely? Do you want to be a place that harbors rapists and abusers?

It’s a cultural issue. It’s a cycle.

It’s up to us.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin burner community, austin ecstatic dance, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, author, bdsm, broken heart, burning man, community responsibility, fear, flipizen, flipside, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, rape, rape survivor, relationship advice, relationships, responsibility, romance, sex, sexual assault, shattered, survivor

Six Months Ago Today

Personal…(Trigger Warnings)

Six months ago today.

Assaulted. Devalued. Discarded.

Then, six months ago this past Sunday:

Between the two, a week of humiliation, condescension, cruelty, and manipulation.

PTSD, like it was yesterday.

(pictures inspired by “what did your rapist say to you?” by ProjectUnbreakable)

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: austin poly rapist, ptsd, rape, sexual assault

Safe to Burn

This will be my 7th burn at BRC. I’ve been a burner for over a decade now, and I consider Black Rock City my home. I have family there. A community: the one community yet to be taken from me.

I’m determined to protect myself while I’m there. I will not give up one more community out of fear.

Unlike the others, this community supports me. This one takes sexual assault very seriously. This one will do whatever it can to protect me from even seeing my assailant, let alone being confronted by him.

It’ll be a very interesting burn to say the least.

I’m also putting up an interactive art installation on the playa called SASS: Sexual Assault Survivors Speak. I got the acronym because when I’d stand up to my ex he’d say, “I love it when you sass me.” I’ve since realized that was a condescending way to say “It’s cute you think you’re my equal.” On this interactive art installation, survivors can write letters to their attackers, name them, post poetry and stories and pictures. It will be burned at the end of the week in a cleansing ritual.

I’m not fucking playing around anymore. I’m taking my life and my safety back.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: austin poly rapist, author, b.e.d., black rock city, broken heart, bureau of erotic discourse, burning man, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, hushville, infidelity, love, misogyny, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, polyamory, rape, restraining order, sex, sex positive, shattered

A Nightmare Scenario

[image error]This lovely piece of satire was written by Nick over at Newly Open. As a good number of people can’t hear or see sarcasm, please not that he’s not serious, and please read his post on the subject: A Followup.

-_Q

A Nightmare Scenario

(This probably needs a trigger warning for sexual assault discussion)

Fetlife is apparently taking steps (link may need a site profile) to prevent users from naming names of the other users who’ve sexually assaulted them.  Of course, people are upset, but I thought maybe I should explain what they’re trying to do here.

Imagine a world in which anyone could just, willy-nilly and without any consequences, accuse men of rape. Why, men would have an incredible burden to bear in such a society! We’d have to be very careful whom we let into our lives, and be sure that anyone we spent time alone with was someone we could trust.  We’d have to avoid being alone with strange women, lest we be hit with a damning accusation out of nowhere.  When going on first dates, we’d have to be sure someone knew where we were, and was willing and capable to act as an alibi if we got a strange vibe.

It wouldn’t prevent us from living our lives, of course, but some part of our minds would always have to be devoted to making sure someone knew where we were and could vouch for us.  At night, walking down the street, we’d have to be careful not to enter dark areas where we couldn’t be seen.  We’d probably want to do most things in groups of other men. In particular, those men who did get accused of such by a good friend or family member would have–justifiable!–trouble learning to trust women again.  And of course, despite the stereotype that would develop, most of the accusations would come from friends and family.

In such a world, the prevalence of rape accusations would no doubt be incredibly high.  I’ve heard estimates that, if such a thing could happen, as many as one in five or even one in four men might be accused of rape in their lifetimes, and even those men who weren’t in that large minority would always have that possibility hanging over their heads.

Luckily, we have people like the Fetlife admins, and basically all of the rest of society, to levy enormous social consequences on anyone who makes a rape accusation.  Of course this means that rape goes wildly under reported, but it does mean that some small number of innocent men are spared tarnished reputations, and that’s–clearly–much more important to us.

See this post for a more clear and serious discussion

-_Q

An important quote from A Followup:

And make no mistake: when you silence victims, you are assuming that they are lying.  When you block them from making “criminal accusations,” the way the Fetlife admins do, you are treating all accusations as lies.  When you ask a victim to be absolutely sure that they didn’t consent, you are treating them as liars.  When we, this society, treat rape and sexual assault as if they required 100% proof, as if without video tape or clear signs of violence they can’t be prosecuted, things we do with no other crime, we are treating victims as liars.

As Nick says, we must shift the burden of care. He speaks quite well on the “innocent until proven guilty” fallacy when it comes to sexual assault and social issues. Please read it.

Not only would wo/men have to have trust in place before just fucking anyone, but they would also have to treat other human being with respect before, during, and after sexual encounters rather than discarding them like a used tissue. Huh. What a concept.

That is, indeed, a nightmare scenario.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin poly rapist, author, bdsm, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, newly open, nick, nightmare scenario, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, rape, rape survivor, relationship advice, relationships, responsibility, romance, satire, sex, sexual assault, sexual assault survivor, shattered, social responsibility

“My Friend, the Rapist”

I’m not quite sure how I found Captain Awkward’s blog, but I’m everso glad I did. It was likely through either Yes Means Yes or Consent Culture.

Among the many wonderful responses to the letters sent to Captain A, this one particularly caught my eye for obvious reasons: #324: My friend, the rapist.” Please go to Captain Awkward’s blog to read the entire thing and all the amazing responses, but below are a few excerpts.

Excerpt of letter:

I have a guy friend. We get along really well, and can talk for hours about our common interests. While we seldom make specific plans to hang, it’s great to chat at group events and whenever he’s at my place: he’s works with my roommate and comes over weekly to collaborate and socialize.

Problem is he’s a rapist.

He’s part of a group from which I’ve distanced myself. There’s a few women in that group I strongly dislike, but see sometimes through the aforementioned roommate. I know through word-of-mouth (in one case, the horse’s) that he once raped one of them and behaved inappropriately toward another. In both cases he’s been drunk: he drinks a lot, but apart from these instances I’ve never known him to be out-of-control…

…This guy has been nothing but stellar, courteous, and hilarious around me and mine. He’s always been safe and fun in our home and presence…

Excerpt from Captain A’s response:

I’m sorry, I can’t even be a little bit nice about this.

Your friend is a rapist! How many women would he have to rape before you would stop being friends with him? One? Three? Six? You say he only does inappropriate things like raping people when he’s drunk. The average rapist rapes six women and alcohol is a very common factor. So maybe he’s just getting started. Or maybe he’s raped other women who you don’t know…

…But he’s so charming! And funny! And you have so much in common! Which is probably what his victims thought right up until the raping started.

The chilling thing is that probably all of us know a rapist or two to say hello to. They don’t get face tattoos to keep a tally and make them immediately recognizable, so they fly under the radar.

But you know what he did. I think it’s okay to have a zero tolerance policy here…

Wow. This speaks deeply to me at the moment as I watch a community surround their rapist friend. They don’t know him, not really. They see him at dances, at dinners, at events…having fun. But they don’t know him deeply. They don’t know what he’s capable of. And even lovers might not see who I saw that last week, and I hope they never do. I truly hope they never do.

But, again, my question to all is this: how many women must a man rape to be considered a rapist? Ten? Six? Three? or is one enough?

Several times in my former-local poly group did I hear people explain away “trouble-with-boundaries-guy’s” behavior, saying he’s working on it.  Now they have another that under certain circumstances is capable of rape. And he won’t even admit it, let alone “work on it.”

Here are several excerpts from the over-200 comments to that post:

This this this this. Predators tend to pick their victims selectively and the ones who get away with their utterly-and-completely-disgusting-on-every-level behavior are usually the ones who do not have big neon flashing Rapey McRapey-Pants lights above their head to people they do not deem appealing victims. People who are so obviously dangerous that anyone in their right mind would cross to the other side of the street if they saw them coming are actually few and far between, despite what a lot of us have been led to believe.

Is it possible the friend has psychopathic tendencies? That might account for his “charm” (gag) and ability to keep people around. I ask because if he does, it’s not likely that pointing out his behavior will have an impact on him, nor will he feel remorseful. This may or may not be helpful:http://kristenjtsetsi.com/2012/07/17/almost-psychopaths-not-so-romantic/

Doesn’t matter at all if Rapist feels real remorse, or simply learns that decent people don’t hang out with sexual predators. If it’s the former, he still has to DO something about the remorse and fix whatever is so drastically broken about him. If it’s the latter, he will probably continue to be a rapist–but he will know that there’s one more place where he can’t get away with it, one more person who will stop him instead of turning their eyes away.

The man is a rapist. The one thing all raped women have in common is that a rapist was present at the time. You can’t be sure how many women this man has raped but you can be sure that he won’t stop until someone stops him.

One of the big problems with sussing out Bad People is that abusers and rapists don’t generally have a people problem. It’s not true that they’re always horrible to everyone. It’s not true that they’re all sociopaths or narcissists. Often, they’re pleasant to everyone but their victim–they see their victim as a possession or an object or an enemy or all three. That’s one of the things that’s so damaging about sexual violence: being singled out for mistreatment other people don’t experience. It’s isolating.

I would add that in my experience, reading and head-on, many, many kinds of abusers are charming and wonderful people–when they are not with their target/victim.

As you contemplate continuing a relationship with this guy, consider this: if he can be “stellar, courteous and hilarious” in some contexts and a fucking asshole rapist in other contexts, he is making a deliberate choice every single time. He is saying (so far) when he is with you “I think I’ll be pleasant and amusing with her… use her for my decent-guy warm fuzzy self-affirmation,” while with some other women he’s like “I’m going to get my rapist jollies with this one.”

As a bonus, if everyone stops hanging out with rapists, RAPISTS HAVE NO FRIENDS. This is a bonus for everyone except rapists. It would be almost like we would be condemning raping people.

Which is more likely; that your rapist friend takes full responsibility and then you get to know that you are friends with a rapist, albeit an apologetic-seeming one OR he denies, excuses, explains, says it wasn’t *really* rape and you get to keep being friends with him, knowing that he’s an unapologetic rapist?

On top of the billion other reasons not to be friends with this guy, who is a disgusting excuse for a human being, think about what message you’re here. As a survivor, reading this letter was like getting a giant “fuck you”, because it comes across as you caring more about how much fun you have hanging out with this guy than you care about his victims, past and future (I’m sure there will be more). Think about what this guy has done to other women! Whether you like them or not, he has done something unimaginably cruel and unforgiveable to these women, and if you continue to socialize you offer your tacit approval of his actions. Do you really want to be the kind of person who apologies for a rapist?!

There are so so so many wonderful comments in that thread, I hope you will all go read for yourselves. Those above are all from different posters. Now, please indulge me two more long ones:

Rape culture persists because of the complicity of bystanders through silence and inaction. Sometimes women are the most aggressive of victim blamers, and their policing of other women can be because they buy into the oppressive narratives of patriarchy, and sometimes because they are afraid it could happen to them or that they’ll be perceived as those problem women who aren’t “nice” if they make too much of a fuss. And it is because women support rape culture too that it has a sheen of respectability, making it conventional and normal. “I can’t be a rapist/misogynist, I have female friends (or wife/girlfriend/etc)!”

The alternative to “zero tolerance” for rapists is tolerance. Hello, rape culture. “But if I cut him off, then I can’t make him see the error of his ways!” In other words, there’s no improvement without engagement. But you can’t fix him, not your job. Engagement can be interpreted as support (“I have female friends!”). And as long as people remain friends with him, engage with him, what real social consequences has he faced for the rape? What is to discourage him from repeating the performance should opportunity arise? You can’t prevent him from raping someone else. The only person who can stop that is him, and he is unlikely to stop when the consequences are minimal because he’s “stellar, courteous, hilarious” except, of course, when he’s not.

This one particularly speaks to me at the moment:

Wonderful. Keep in mind that most of the women here who were sexually assaulted were targeted by men whose actions were known by their friends, but who figured they were really “nice guys” or that they felt terrible and that THEY feel just fine around him.

I’m disgusted by the slew of people here who are erasing RAPE SURVIVORS. I mean, for all of the compassion and open-mindedness some folks are barking at us to show for rapists, there’s nary a mention for survivors or women these assholes target. When they speak up, they’re told they’re being drama queens, they’re lying, they’re being mean because the dudely d00d’s been through so much/has substance abuse issues/is traumatized/whatever the fuck.

I’m seeing compassion and respect for rapists, and very little compassion or respect FOR THE WOMEN THEY RAPE. Women who often end up being disbelieved, shunned, or shut out because their so-called friends and family refuse to stop associating with the man who assaulted them and make excuses for him.

And that is disgusting.

So very, very, very disgusting.

As I said in my post yesterday, look at this person who is accused of rape.

Has he accepted any responsibility? Admitted any wrongdoing? Spoken to the issue at all?

HAS HE DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE AMENDS?

Or is he gliding along on reputation, charm, and forced silence?

—–>Because THIS is what they leave in their wakes…

-_Q

Please join me in saying NO MORE.

SASS: Sexual Assault Survivors Speak (Coming Soon)

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin ecstatic dance, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, austin polyamory, author, bdsm, bedpost confessions, broken heart, fear, grief, harboring rapists, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, narcissist, no more, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, project unbreakable, psychopath, rape, rape survivor, rapist, relationship advice, romance, sex, sexual assault, shattered, survivor