O.M. Grey's Blog, page 25

Shades of O. M. Grey

It seems 50 Shades of Gray and its sequels are all the rage! And to think it all started with Twilight fan fiction.

Go figure.

This sudden fascination with all things BDSM and sadistic erotica amuses me. Most, of course, is not true BDSM, like 50 Shades of Gray, far from it. It’s sadistic, all right, but certainly not BDSM proper.

But that’s a topic for another day…

However, if you crave dark and HOT erotica with a sadistic monster, you will absolutely love the witty and cheeky Arthur in Avalon Revisited. He excels at manipulation and certainly trumps Christian Gray when it comes to sadistic sex.

Arthur is a vampire, the ultimate psychopath. No soul. No remorse. And does he ever like to play with the ladies…

As of late, I’ve written extensively on the psychosis of  psychopaths and sociopaths. Horrifying people in reality, but they do make the most deliciously debaucherous fictional antagonists, or in Arthur’s case, anti-hero-type dark protagonists. I’ve received countless letters about how much readers love Arthur and his  cheeky voice in Avalon Revisited. The sex is always hot, seedily sadistic, and sometimes even comically chartreuse!

If you are looking for a new BDSM erotica novel to fill your decadent nights, consider the Amazon Gothic Romance bestselling novel Avalon Revisited. 

Come watch Arthur seduce, delight, tie down, cut up, and feast on women in bed, on a chaise, and in a notorious brothel’s CHAMBER OF HORRORS in Avalon Revisited.

Find more dark erotica in my Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection.

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Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: 50 shades of gray, arthur tudor, author, avalon revisited, BDSM, BDSM erotica, BDSM erotica novel, bondage, broken heart, chamber of horrors, christian gray, erotica, intimacy, madame jeffries, masochism, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, paranormal romance, passion, polyamory, relationships, romance, sadism, sado-masochism, sex, steampunk, victorian, victorian brothel

How to Fuck Up a Relationship

Another great post from the Heartless Bitches International website. Kudos, ladies.

How to Fuck Up a Relationship
(Poly or mono this applies to all)

By Elise MatthesenAlt.polyamory FAQ – the first supplementHow to f*** up

The preceding list of answers to questions about polyamory is not a guide to how to have a working polyamorous relationship, although we have strong anecdotal evidence that the tools mentioned are useful in all sorts of relationships, mono and poly. We do, however, have the following guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in polyamorous relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy monogamous relationships as well; they’re truly multipurpose tools. We post this listing for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied.

1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married gets triple f***-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. “not telling”) with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our researchers. When combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting “rescuers” or “white knights” on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as “codependency”. The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing one’s own desires and questions. This allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one has done so *much* for one’s partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one’s own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts! It’s a dog eat dog world, and you’re a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily prosecutable.

6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one’s partner(s) by manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f***-up tactic. It’s so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.

7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we’re talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes — er, ahem — we’re discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with “rubbing slippery bits together”. Substitute the words “sex” and “love” for each other often in conversations. Repeat the mantra, “If you loved me, you’d know what I want.” Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2. According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good “lines” fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other person.

8. Don’t talk. Talking has been known to lead to communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use cliches and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.

If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the “agreement” is wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn’t have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to.

9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize with the figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.

******************************************************************** Whew! Yuck! You know, writing those sure took me down memory lane. What I hoped to do with this little icky essay was illustrate the flip side of some of the tools in the toolbox for healthy poly (and other) relationships. These “bad tools” are humorous (pretty bent humor, too), but the good tools are serious.

Elise

-_Q

On a personal note, friends. Today marks four months of freedom. Cheers!

For loads of articles on how to recognize abusers and manipulators, visit the Heartless Bitches International website.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, communication, deceive, fear, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, lie, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, poly, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, responsibility, romance, sex

Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 8 & 9

Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.

Contains Adult Content.

Avalon Revisited – Chapter 8 & 9

Download: AR_Podcast_CH8&9.mp3

Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Avalon Revisited Podcast

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel

People Who Hide Behind “Poly”

I found the following article from the website “Heartless Bitches International.” So much of what she’s said in this article I agree with wholeheartedly. It’s wonderful to read this, as this truly sums up some of the “poly” encounters and “relationships” I’ve had over the past two years.

I’ve pasted some excerpts here that I can most specifically relate to. I have a problem with her final paragraph about mental illness, although I can relate to that as well, especially the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as I’ve written about here. “Acknowledging” the “problem” is certainly the first step, and it’s not nothing, and I agree with her about a commitment to work on one’s issues, no matter what they are, as I’ve so often stated here. The biggest problem I have with these diagnostic labels is that it throws a lot ofindividualsin a category of “crazy” when there is a wide spectrum of behaviors within any given label, and that’s assuming that the given label is accurate to begin with. Still, labeled or no, we all must face our inner demons and struggles and actively work on them. I’ve covered this in my post “The Problem with Self-Awareness,” so I’ll stop there.

The rather long article is called “Poly People I Can Do Without,” and below are my favorite parts.

I have discovered that there is a segment of the poly population I can do without: The people who label themselves “polyamorous”, and forget the “amorous” part, or think it means “sex”; People who find the concepts of “ethics” and “values” detrimental to their pursuit of self-gratification…

Now I have nothing against casual sex and the people who enjoy and practice it *responsibly*. The “poly” people I can do with out are the ones who want to be able to do WHAT they want, WHEN they want, with no regard or consideration for the feelings of their other “partners”. And I’m not talking about the occasional time that we ALL do something that we didn’t realize would adversely affect a partner – I’m talking about people who USE other people for their own gratification and don’t CARE if something they do is hurtful to another. They think that by using the word “poly” to describe their behavior, they can somehow legitimize discourteous, disrespectful, careless, and self-centered behavior. The worst of these types will be courteous and considerate so long as nothing impinges on THEIR want of the moment, leading a partner to trust and believe in them. But the moment they want something that might adversely affect a partner, consideration and caring are conveniently discarded as unnecessary burdens. And any bad feelings a partner may experience as a result of this behavior are also treated as excessive burdens which THEY don’t want to have to deal with.

Boy have I come across this time and again. Emphatically so. Polyamory is not the same as swinging. Certain “swingers” and “players” have taken up the term “polyamorous” because there is less of a stigma attached to it. I find this highly disturbing and confusing for those of us who focus on establishing and maintaining multipleloving, committed relationships.

It’s dishonest and potentially (usually) quite damaging to the loving polyamorous person in the coupling. These people have no trouble justifying this, as shown in her next segment:

In justifying this behavior, the hallmark phrase of these “poly” types, is “Your feelings are your own. I’m not responsible for your feelings.” While in the truest sense of the word, we are all responsible for our own feelings, in order to have REAL emotional intimacy, one must show CARE and consideration for a partner’s feelings. While you can’t be responsible FOR them, you can be responsible TO them. One must NURTURE and feed the feelings of your loves, for to be truly emotionally intimate with someone is to be vulnerable. This is NOT the same as “being responsible for another person’s happiness”, it is about the kind of bond of intimacy and genuine caring that builds a truly deep, meaningful relationship.

“As people involve themselves in a growth movement, at first, they often develop a “Screw you, it’s YOUR problem” attitude. This misinterpretation of the concept of individuality reflects a misunderstanding of power, aggression, and assertiveness.

The ‘It’s YOUR problem’ philosophy is an attacking, aggressive position which doesn’t allow for real listening and sharing of wants, needs and thoughts. While assertiveness is also a non-passive position, IT does permit listening and encourages understanding. Assertiveness is the ability to create and maintain the conditions you want. It is a process and not an end in itself. This kind of power permits choices without losing sight of others.”

- Dr. Melvyn A. Berke

If someone is just into casual sex without regard for the feelings of their partners, then I’d call the behavior “swinging” or “fucking around” rather than “polyamoury” or “responsible non-monogamy” – because to me, the word “responsible” in the latter phrase means more than just wearing a condom. (And some folks can’t even be responsible enough to do THAT). “Responsible” means being responsible to/for more than just your OWN feelings:

“Responsible” means KEEPING relationship agreements and sticking to your word, even when you really WANT to do something different – in other words, not sneaking around behind a partner’s back just because your commitment is now uncomfortable.
“Responsible” means being honest and mature enough to sometimes change your plans (delay gratification) to show care and consideration for how your actions might affect a partner.
“Responsible means talking to a partner in advance when you KNOW that something you are about to do is going to adversely affect them. (and willful ignorance just doesn’t cut it in my books).
“Responsible” means *talking* to a partner when you HAVE made a mistake, apologizing, and genuinely showing consideration and compassion for the partner’s feelings as well as attempting to repair the damage and help heal the hurt.
“Responsible” does NOT mean invalidating a partner who has been hurt by your actions as if somehow the very fact that they have expressed any pain is an unreasonable infringement on your “rights”.
“Responsible” means telling your partner the TRUTH when you are having uncomfortable feelings instead of encouraging them to do something, and then complaining that it hurt you after the fact.
“Responsible” means being HONEST and not having a hidden agenda. It means talking to your partner OPENLY about expectations. It means telling your partner the same thing you are telling other people.

I’m tired of people who pay lip service to “personal responsibility”, saying that they “take responsibility” for their actions, but then refuse to do anything about any resulting pain or damage those actions cause. What they are REALLY saying is, “I take responsibility for the EXECUTION of my actions, but I take no responsibility for the EFFECT or RESULTS my actions may have on you or others.” And there you have it folks, Personal Responsibility Lite ™. Tastes Great, less filling! All of the lip service, none of the work! Any expectation of true acceptance of responsibility will have them parading themselves around as “victims” of your unreasonable expectations.

Actually CARING for a partner means fessing up and fixing up when you fuck up. If a responsible person broke something accidentally at a friend’s house, that person would either attempt to fix the item or offer to pay for a new one – they would try to repair the damage. People’s feelings are no different, but somehow there is a segment of the poly population that thinks the only “feelings” that are important are their own.

Another classic responsibility cop-out line, used by the “Personal Responsibility Lite”-polys is “What happened, happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now.”, as if the very passage of time absolves them of all responsibility for restitution. There is ALWAYS something you can do about a mistake or action which caused a partner harm – the question is HOW MUCH effort are you willing to put into fixing your fuckup? The worst of it is that these people don’t even want to put any effort into NOT MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN…. It’s just so much (hand at brow, *sighing*) WORK!

I quite honestly could not have said it better myself, and I’ve been struggling with the subtleties of this issue for a few months now. Bravo, Annesthesia

I’m tired of “poly” people who go on and on ad nauseum about “communication” and how IMPORTANT it is, but then go on to snipe, backstab and otherwise attack others and reject any offer of open face to face dialogue.

I’m tired of poly people who would rather play the VICTIM and seek sympathy from others, rather than CONFRONT a problem or issue head on and DEAL with it like an adult.

I’m tired of double standards: People who want consideration for THEIR feelings from other partners, but then don’t want to make the same concessions and consideration for OTHERS. Someone who identifies as “poly” actually said to me “Taking your feelings into consideration means I wouldn’t get to do what I WANT”.

This is not about changing fundamental behavior and sacrificing basic NEEDS – this is about people who cannot delay gratification for a WANT long enough to take someone else’s feelings about their behavior into consideration. They will imply that *any* expectation of consideration for how their actions might hurt someone else is “manipulative” and “controlling”. And I’m not talking about mono/poly paradigm issues here, I’m talking about people who call themselves “polyamorous” and have “poly” partners, but think any expectation of modifying behavior to take someone else’s feelings into consideration is unreasonable. They call themselves “polyamorous” as an attempt to legitimize ego-centric behavior, or because they can’t trust themselves to be honest or faithful. This doesn’t meet MY definition of “responsible” and it sure as hell doesn’t do anything with the “amory” half of “polyamory”… Ironically, these are the FIRST people to get upset when someone ELSE doesn’t take THEIR feelings into account. And if you can’t trust yourself, what the HELL are you doing encouraging other people to trust and believe in you?

I experienced this (and the rest of these for that matter) with my most recent ex. He was all about “personal responsibility for one’s own emotions,” and he fully meant that if I felt anything other than happy, he didn’t want to be bothered. On the other hand, when it was he who felt hurt by a misunderstanding, he made it very clear that it was my fault and I wasn’t taking his feelings into consideration before saying something. IN THE SAME BREATH, he said he didn’t want to have to take my fears into consideration before doing or saying something. Honestly.

I’m tired of people claiming to be polyamorous when all they really want is a “guilt-free” opportunity to get their rocks off with whomever is available when they’re horny, without regard to the consequences to the other person, OR their other partner(s). Why not just say you are monogamous but you want the opportunity to fuck around when it suits you? The net effect is pretty much the same.

I’m tired of “polyamorous” people who misrepresent their intentions and their desires for relationships. If you have been moaning that you don’t want casual sex and fuckbuddies, you want a committed long term relationship, but then jump into bed for a one night stand when the hormones are raging, you won’t get any support from me. And if all you want is something casual, then don’t mislead your partners into thinking you want something more serious so that you can get them into bed.

To that end, I’m tired of narcissistic “poly” people who do the “romantic” thing, who prey on other’s deepest desires, just to evoke adoration, stroke their own egos, and to get a rush from someone “falling” for them, but they don’t want to be responsible for the consequences. Especially those that KNOW full well what they are doing, and still continue to do it, all the while complaining about the *inconvenience* of the after effect:

“Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that’s easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I’m also inventive … so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly…

It’s just I’d rather enjoy the “romance”. It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It’s also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads.”

These people give their partners mixed messages – the actions imply romance and love, but the words (especially when called on the behavior) backtrack quickly to “friends” and “casual” and “nothing serious”… They want the “head trip”, not the relationship. When the expectations and demands for real emotional intimacy surface, they quickly become cool, and refer back to their “words” around the relationship expectations, denying any culpability for the fact that their actions were often seemingly in direct contradiction to those words.

Even WORSE, they continue the relationship KNOWING full well that they are not ANYWHERE as deeply emotionally involved as the other person. They use excuses for USING this other person, like: “Well I TOLD [person x] that I’m not as emotionally involved, and there’s no chance for a long-term relationship. If she still wants to see me and have sex with me, well, she’s an adult, so who am *I* to say anything? SHE knows the score. It’s HER decision.” They will imply that by taking any action themselves, they might be “patronizing” to [person x]. It’s a clever manipulation of psychobable that CONVENIENTLY glosses over the fact that [person x] is EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE, and is very likely NOT operating from a very healthy place. This “It’s YOUR decision” behavior (which is very close to the “it’s YOUR problem” behavior mentioned above) abdicates any responsibility that the USER might have to NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE of someone who is clearly vulnerable. Invariably the vulnerable person gets hurt MUCH worse than if the USER had broken it off the moment the imbalance in expectations was uncovered.

RESPONSIBLE Poly’s do NOT continue relationships with people where there is a clear imbalance of feelings, expectations, or ability to meet needs. They don’t take advantage of emotionally vulnerable people because they happen to be a convenient sex partner.

OMG! Did this woman date the same man!? Uncanny, really. An this last short paragraph was exactly what he was setting me up to be. The exact same thing he said about his other girlfriend the week before. After realizing, again, for I heard this several times over the three-month relationship, that he didn’t know what he was getting out of the relationship with his other GF and considered ending it, he decided he wasn’t going to end it because he “want[ed] to be sexual with her when [he] wants to be.” To my knowledge, the poor woman is still with him, suffering his covert abuse. My heart goes out to her when it’s her turn to be devalued and discarded.

I’m tired of poly people who encourage, subtly, overtly, or by turning a blind eye, their friends and partners to be rude to, and inconsiderate of other friends and partners. These people ENABLE and CONDONE by their SILENCE.

I’m tired of poly people who won’t “call” a partner, or so-called “friend” on unethical, rude or inconsiderate behavior – Not because they don’t think it’s their place, not because they think that it is wrong to take a stand on their values and assert reasonable boundaries in relationships, but because they want to reserve the right to pull the same self-centered stunts themselves at some later date. They think that by fence-sitting, they have somehow exempted themselves from the label of “hypocrite”, and they do it at the cost of their own integrity. Invariably, their rice-paper “values” only apply to how other lovers/friends treat THEM, and not to how they, or their partners treat other friends/lovers. It wouldn’t be so hypocritical if they didn’t get so indignant when THEY are the object of the disrespect, however.

I’m seeing this throughout the poly community here in Austin. I have no doubt it happens elsewhere. And I can understand to an extent, especially when it comes down to a He Said, She Said scenario. I don’t particularly think (in my experience) any of these people are turning a blind eye so they can do the same things themselves, but they are turning a blind eye just the same. This is a dangerous business, matters of the heart and soul, especially when Sexual Safety is a huge issue in a community that shares partners with others and the concept of open, honest communication is at the core of the lifestyle. It’s a feeding frenzy for predators if the community doesn’t look out for their own.

But, everyone is too afraid to get involved.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)

Yep.

And nothing is exactly what they’re all doing.

And finally:

I’m tired of manipulative poly people who insinuate that any open statement by a partner about expectations and needs is being “manipulative”, “demanding”, or “controlling” because it forces them to actually FACE up to their behavior and make choices. (Some times you just CAN’T have your cake and eat it too.) These people find it so much easier if their partner doesn’t say anything, because then they can claim plausible deniability when they behave badly. If the partner actually SAYS something, however, they can’t get away with it as cleanly. I’m tired of the types that subtlely or overtly try to browbeat a partner into NOT expressing feelings of hurt or anger, because they don’t want to deal with the consequences of their own actions…

Safe People: People who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self.

Polyamoury – the loving kind, isn’t an easy road to travel. It requires immense amounts of communication, honesty, trust and WORK. For me, I would add that “Safe Poly People” are people who don’t AVOID problems by dishonesty and betrayal of trust, but have the strength of character to work (and yes, suffer) THROUGH a problem in order to solve it. They don’t cop-out and blame their inability to deal with a problem on the other person’s “anger” or because they “fear confrontation”. They don’t blame others for their fears, problems and mistakes. And they don’t play the “martyr”. They exhibit the following characteristics:

“What are these tools, these techniques of suffering, these means of experiencing the pain of problems constructively that I call discipline? There are four: delaying gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing. As will be evident, these are not complex tools whose application demands extensive training. To the contrary, they are simple tools, and almost all children are adept in their use by the age of ten. Yet presidents and kings will forget to use them, to their own downfall. The problem lies not in the complexity of these tools but in the will to use them. For they are the tools with which pain is confronted rather than avoided, and if one seeks to avoid legitimate suffering, then one will avoid the use of these tools. Therefore, after analyzing each of these tools, we shall in the next section examine the will to use them, which is love.”

-(from The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, MD)

I have looked inside myself, and know that I am still fundamentally polyamorous, despite bad experiences with unsafe “poly” people. It hasn’t changed my belief in poly, but it has made me more cautious and more assertive about what boundaries I will maintain now and in the future. For me, the inviolate boundaries are around honesty, courtesy, consideration and respect. I require that from/for my partner, AND from/for my partner’s partners.

In fact, I highly recommend anyone interested in learning about living life responsibly and growing spiritually to pick up and read a copy of “The Road Less Traveled”.

If you are on a quest for understanding poly, there *are* genuinely caring, responsible people out there. Unfortunately, the marginal types are really good at “talking the talk” so it takes a tremendous amount of awareness and trust in our own gut instincts to separate the wheat from the chaff. It’s important to note that the unhealthy ones are the first ones to accuse you of being “judgmental” when you start asserting healthy boundaries and confronting them on their bad behavior…

And I’m with her on this one, too. I am still poly, albeit a celibate one for the time being. I believe that love is infinite.

Love breeds love.

Desire breeds desire.

There are no limitations, and I believe there are good people. The past two years (and especially the last 6 months) have taught me that predators run rampant everywhere, including the polyamorous community, where, I naively thought, I would be safe from them.

Despite the predatory people who prey on loving people, and some of those predatory people (as well as some of the loving people) suffer from mental illness, diagnosed or not, I know there are good people out there as well. And as long as those good people are self-aware and working on their issues, even if they are significant like BPD or NPD or others (the individual is what matters, not the label*), and as long as they are open, honest, caring, and take responsibility for their actions and words, then I look forward to meeting them and loving them.

Peace.

-_Q

* side note about mental illness: some of the most honest, real, and stable people I’ve met in my life suffered from “mental illness,” and some of the most drama-causing, crazy-making, cruel and deceptive people I’ve met in my life don’t. Or are at least undiagnosed. Let’s not perpetuate the stigma of mental illness, whether that be depression, anxiety, bipolar, or a personality disorder. Anyone who not only acknowledges their issues but also work on them are self-aware enough to have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: anxiety, author, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, bpd, broken heart, deception, depression, drama, fear, grief, healing, honesty, infidelity, lie, lies, love, LTR, mental illness, misogyny, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, poly, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, self-aware, self-awareness, self-protection, self-respect, sex, swinger

Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 7

Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.

Contains Adult Content.

Avalon Revisited – Chapter 7, Part 2

Download: AR_Podcast_CH7.2.mp3

Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Avalon Revisited Podcast

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel

Isolation & Silence

Dear readers and friends,

I was so hoping to be back to recording the Polyamory Podcasts by now, but I’m still not ready to go there. I’m feeling so much better over all. Truly. I do still get triggered from time to time, as is expected with PTSD, but each time, although the intensity is frighteningly the same, the duration is considerably shorter. That’s also quite common with PTSD. As long as they get shorter, the healing is happening as it should.

As of late, I’ve been spending a lot of time on my own, and it’s peaceful. I get to take care of myself without worrying about caring for anyone else first, which is my default, so I’m going to continue the isolation and silence until the healing is complete. It’s part of stripping away external stressors as much as possible until I’m back to myself.

This summer is an exciting time. I’m teaching my first ever British Literature course, and I’m ever so excited about it. Preparing for class takes up most of my time, so there is little time for anything outside of self-care and dealing with the remnants of grief anyway.

Strangely, I find myself enjoying the time alone. Preferring it.

So, I’m going to leave the Polyamory Podcasts off until the end of the summer at least. Additionally, my weekly Wednesday posts will stop in a couple of weeks, since I have two already written and scheduled to appear this Wednesday and next. There might be a stray one here and there, but I’m removing the pressure to create weekly content for the time being, as it seems they’ve become no longer helpful to readers and no longer helpful to me. Last week’s comments had quite the triggering effect, and like I said, I’m removing external stressors.

On top of that, I’m at least three novels behind: two that I write with my husband under Christine Rose, the Rowan of the Wood series, and another O. M. Grey book with Doctor Q that was supposed to be complete this past Spring…not to mention an updated Publishing and Marketing Realities for the Emerging Author, the sequel for The Zombies of Mesmer, and fans have been calling for a sequel to Avalon Revisited as well. I’m hoping to at least get the fourth Rowan book completed by the end of the summer, as fans have been waiting nearly a year for it. Next will be the book with Doctor Q, as some generous Kickstarter supporters generously donated to be characters in that book.

The Avalon Revisited fiction podcasts will hopefully continue throughout the summer and onward, as will the Rowan of the Wood fiction podcasts on Christine’s site. The Steampunk Spotlights will continue to be sporadic, as I’m not actively searching for new content due to…well, you all know already.

With some luck and focus, I’ll be touring this fall either across the States or in the UK/Europe talking on Polyamory, Publishing, and Steampunk. Who knows what the future holds for dear Olivia. Perhaps Europe. Perhaps California. Perhaps a new life here in South Austin. Perhaps all of the above. I’m embracing the uncertainty of it all.

Until then, please look around. This blog is full of emotion: joy, pain, love, fear, bliss, and sorrow. There are countless articles on alternative lifestyles, relationship issues, and ways to recognize dangerous people in romantic relationships. For our hearts are precious and fragile. It would benefit us to protect our hearts and souls and support those we love to do the same.

I will no doubt be back to myself and then some by September. I’m so close now, and I appreciate your continued understanding, support, and patience.

Namaste.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, healing, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, podcast, polyamory, steampunk

A Crack in the Fragile Shell

Throughout my research over the past year+, I’ve learned a lot about psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists (P/S/N). I’ve written about it in posts like “Authentic vs. False Self,” as well as others sprinkled throughout the past 18 months.

These personality disorders seem to have one thing in common: no one can really agree on a clear definition. Sometimes psychopath and sociopath are used interchangeably. Narcissism is classified as a type of psychopathy, but, according to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the Narcissist is only half sociopath, devoid of empathy, but still possessing a conscience and able to feel emotions such as love, sadness, and guilt.

From what I’ve read, some experts believe a sociopath is born, not created. Others insist, like other personality disorders, the problem arose out of childhood trauma.

Nature or nurture. The clichéd dilemma.

A few weeks ago, I saw the new Burton film Dark Shadows, based (loosely) on the ’60/’70s TV series. Whereas many a fictional vampire has been portrayed with symptoms of P/S/N throughout literature, television, and film, in this movie, it is the witch who is the P/S/N in Dark Shadows. And the-genius-who-is-Tim-Burton portrays this character’s inner emptiness visually. She is literally a hollow shell. When injured, her husk cracks, displaying the void beneath.

For that is what they are: soulless.

Empty.

Void.

Today I read on The Experience Project that there is no cure for sociopathy. Apparently, “Neurosurgeons have pinpointed the roots of what causes a true sociopath. Specifically, it is damage to regions of the cerebral cortex. This is the area of the brain that most neurosurgeons point to as the source of love, empathy, moral compass, compassion. Essentially, it’s the emotional center of the brain.”

Sociopathy can be tested with an MRI. It is incurable, but the condition can be managed with a set of rules, or a code a la Dexter.

Read this harrowing account from a sociopath.

With women, I’ve been admittedly cruel. Often, I find the sweetest ones, the ones looking for love and fairy-tales. Girls that won’t sleep with a man until she is truly ‘in love’ with them, those are the ones I go for. I’m not into the **** type, (not that I won’t use one on a lonely night.) I give them everything they dream about until they are convinced we are going to get married and grow old together. After we finally ‘make love,’ I lose interest and fall off their grid. I have received emails and calls for months on end from hurt and devastated women. Part of me likes knowing how much my absences hurts them.

It seems that Psychopathy, and especially Narcissism, is created. Perhaps that’s the difference? I’m still researching it.

How are Narcissists created?

Narcissism is almost entirely about gaining control over others, as is codependent behavior. Narcissistic behavior is most probably a reaction to an adolescence completely dominated by a narcissistic and/or codependent parent (or parents), controlled in all aspects of his young adult life, in a period when he needed to be allowed to develop control over his own life. Healthy parenting involves reprimanding their children so that they know where the boundaries lie, whereas narcissistic parenting involves the parent(s) establishing complete emotional control over their offspring.

The narcissist lives in fear of losing control. He sees other people in his environment – at home, at work, friends, relatives and neighbors – as extensions to himself. He sees himself at the center of the world, the controller, an idol to be adored and admired; in his mind this makes it acceptable for him to abuse others – he continually trys to rearrange the ‘significant others’ in his life to look towards him, and admire him. (Source)

Often referred to as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, the narcissist excels at creating a very believable , charming and compassionately loving mask. It is only a matter of time, however, before you see his teeth, and by then it’s usually too late. He has taken a huge bite out of your heart, if you’re lucky, and your soul, if you’re not. This wolf seeks only to consume and degrade others to try and elevate himself. As the incubus or a vampire in literature, he feeds upon his target in an attempt to fill the black hole gaping inside them, but it can never be filled. So he sucks them dry, leaving them used and forgotten, and moves onto the next victim.

They seem like the perfect boyfriend, and in the beginning, they are attentive, thoughtful, generous, and kind. You become enamored and are swept off your feet. Although you may hear murmurings from friends or family that he seems “too nice” or that they just “have a hunch about him,” you brush aside their comments. You only have eyes for him, and in those eyes, he’s “the one.”

The relationship moves quickly, and he makes you feel chosen and special, as if the secrets he shares are only between you two. He seeks your sympathy, telling you woes about his hard life and the many people who have taken advantage of or hurt him. He might even speak disparagingly about his “crazy” ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, and you swallow the one-sided character assassination without question…

The secret he hides from everyone is his cruelty and coldness, which eventually transforms from subtle to overt psychological, verbal, and physical abuse…He’s no longer kind but arrogant, and he’s never, ever wrong. Our narcissist has no empathy or time for you or the children anymore, preferring instead to live a moody life of self-imposed exile succumbing to addictions such as work, alcohol, drugs, or affairs…

The wolf only cares about one thing in his relationship with you, and it is winning. He will do everything in his power to destroy you in the process, to extract vengeance upon you and the children for “abandoning” him and asking him to change his abusive ways. (Source)

Now, I find the character of Angelique in Dark Shadows fascinating not only because of her ironic name, but also because Barnabas’s cruelty of using her for sex again and again before casting her aside for his true love is what made her a monster.

Barnabas is not a narcissist/psychopath. After all, not all wo/men who sexually exploit their partners are narcissists, psychopaths, or sociopaths, mind you. Some are just spoiled. Selfish. Or just displaying general assholery.

Angelique is a psychopath.

He made her a monster, so she made him one, too.

Similarly, the Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman (a film that tells fairy tales the way they should be told!), was also made by the cruelty of a man who used her and cast her aside. Even in fiction, abuse causes psychological illness and sometimes psychotic breaks. And the cycle continues.

Same goes for Sweeney Todd. A narcissist, or perhaps even sociopath in the case of that blasted judge, ships Benjamin Barker off to a prison colony for 20 years, then courts and rapes his wife before casting her aside. She goes insane. Barker, now called Sweeney Todd, is hellbent on revenge and kills loads of other people in the meantime because “we all deserve to die.” Why? “Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief. For the rest of us death will be a relief.”

Sweeney’s monster was made, too. He was made by the cruelty of a psychopath.

Whatever one calls it…If it’s a psychological illness, a damaged brain, or just selfish callousness, the result is the same. The intent, however is different, and that not nothing. Regardless, even if it’s an illness or brain damage, I’ll say the same thing I’ve said countless times before.

We all have issues. We’re adults. Yes your shit is scary to face. So is mine. So is everybody’s. Face your stuff and deal with it. Find some courage and self awareness. Grow.

And stop hurting people.

But, of course, they won’t.

As Mr. Todd sings, “The cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru.”

So, friends, the best defense we have against those without empathy and/or conscience, is to learn the signs and recognize them early.

“You are young. Life has been kind to you. You will learn.”

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: angelique bouchard, author, barnabas collins, broken heart, dark shadows, empty, eva green, fear, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, johnny depp, love, narcissism, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, psychopath, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sociopath, sociopath next door, steampunk, tim burton

Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 6+

Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.

Contains Adult Content.

Avalon Revisited – Chapter 6 + Chapter 7, Part 1

Download: AR_Podcast_CH6&7.1.mp3

Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Avalon Revisited Podcast

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel

Celebrating Arrogance

After Aetherfest a few weeks back, I saw The Avengers, and it was all kinds of awesome.

I mean. OMG. WTF. FTW. Really.

Whedon.

Enough said.

So, okay. This post is about arrogance, not creative genius. Although they sometimes seem to go hand-in-hand.

Tony Stark (Iron Man), Sherlock Holmes, and James Bond come to mind.

Also, Hal Jordan (Green Lantern), more along the lines of just arrogant before being gifted the “will.” Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, definitely makes that show what it is (or, at least, what it was before I stopped watching it).

The above examples of fictional characters aren’t only arrogant, they are also womanizers, playboys (i.e., players), with the exception of Sherlock Holmes who, according to the new BBC series, is a “high-functioning sociopath.”

In the film The Avengers, Tony Stark actually says as much. In response to Captain America who shouts, “Take away the suit, and what’s left?” Mr. Stark replies, rather arrogantly,

“Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist.”

The first two and the last, I’ll give him. But Playboy? How is Playboy on the same level as philanthropist?

Playboy in it’s original sense, okay: a man who has a lot of time and appreciates the pleasures of the world. But the connotation is most often a womanizer or player. A lothario, a man who obsessively seduces and deceives women.

Casual sex is fine. Promiscuity is fine.

Deceiving people to serve your own selfish needs. Not fine. Exploiting women, treating them like ejaculatory tools only to devalue and discard them. Not fine.

So why do we as a culture champion these men?

One friend suggested that arrogance is often mistaken for confidence. Granted, as I just recently realized that they are two very different things indeed. The truly confident have no need to deceive or play, they are secure in themselves without the need for external validation. The arrogant, however, demonstrates haughty over-confidence to cover up a crippling self-loathing. They treat others horribly to elevate themselves.

Tony Stark may have used the term playboy in it’s more original sense, but at the same time, Tony Stark is likely a pathological narcissist. At least a recovering pathological narcissist.

He describes himself as a man who “Doesn’t play well with others,” “a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend.”

His time as a prisoner of war likely helped jolt him out of his old ways. Perhaps we’re celebrating his reformation from arrogant asshole to arrogant superhero. Overcoming his own issues. All superheroes are tragic in one way or another. They are who they are because of their pain and their fear. They rise above those things and put others before themselves. They act despite of their fear, the very definition of courage.

Now Mr. Stark saves the world. He no longer uses women, as he is in a “stablish relationship” with Ms. Potts. He has grown as a character in many ways, yet he still has the arrogant “charm.” Habit, perhaps?

Let’s take Mr. Bond. Totally arrogant. Total womanizer. He risks his life for Queen and Country again and again. Does that excuse the way he treats women?

Sherlock Holmes, genius who solves murders, does that excuse the way he treats everyone?

Perhaps it does. Perhaps we excuse bad behavior to individuals for the greater good? But in real life, it seems more likely that we excuse bad behavior for those who are attractive. We reward those who are charming and fun, regardless of the damage left in their wakes.

Barney Stinson is an example of this. He’s handsome and charming. Rich. Funny. But he’s funny because he’s on TV. Would you really want Barney as a friend? A boyfriend? Still, he is who makes that show so great. Is it because he is such an honest character? Perhaps he shows us our own absurdity in celebrating the arrogant lothario as a culture.

The old cliche “The nice guy finishes last” comes to mind. And, in reality, they do. It’s a reality I have been loathe to accept. But it has become more and more undeniable as I progress through life and through love. Still, those arrogant, narcissists I’ve known might be handsome and charming and even successful with their work helping and/or inspiring others, but they leave a string of broken hearts in their wakes without remorse or looking back. Or maybe they do feel remorse and guilt, but they hide those as well as they hide their true selves.

It has started to become quite clear that these wo/men are quite miserable. Perhaps as tragic as those superhero characters, in a less larger-than-life way. They suffer inside. Full of pain and darkness and unable to express or fill such emptiness out of their fear. They, unlike superheroes, don’t face their fears. They don’t have courage. They are cowards and they hide behind their beautiful facades.

Just think how great these talented, inspiring wo/men could be if they found their courage. Then they would truly shine. Until then, they will continue to hurt themselves and others all while pretending not to care or notice.

But they do notice. They do care.

Each new broken spirit left behind for which they refuse responsibility creates a deeper chasm of pain, causes them to hide further behind their mask. More and more makeup is needed to cover the expanding cracks until they no longer even know who they are themselves. They have buried themselves so deep in their own darkness, so afraid of showing the world, and themselves, who they truly are that it becomes decreasingly possible to ever break free from it.

And this deeply saddens me. Because there are so many “nice guys” full of love and acceptance that would embrace them for who they are. Who would never ask them to edit themselves. Who would stand by them while they faced their deepest, darkest fears, loving and supporting them through it.

I’m one of those nice guys. All we ask for is love and respect in return. But that, it seems, is something they are unable or unwilling to give in their current state. Some find the courage to face their fears and invest in love, but those are few and far between.

People who can find the courage to face their fears, to be honest and open, to look within and work on their issues, to invest themselves in love…those are the real superheroes.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: arrogance, author, fear, grief, intimacy, love, misogyny, narcissism, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: The Janus Affair

 

My dear friends and the talent behind Phoenix Rising and the Tales from the Archives podcast, Tee & Pip, have a new book out today! The sequel to Phoenix Rising.

Yay!

From Amazon:

Evildoers beware! Retribution is at hand, thanks to Britain’s best-kept secret agents!!

Certainly no strangers to peculiar occurrences, agents Wellington Books and Eliza Braun are nonetheless stunned to observe a fellow passenger aboard Britain’s latest hypersteam train suddenly vanish in a dazzling bolt of lightning. They soon discover this is not the only such disappearance . . . with each case going inexplicably unexamined by the Crown.

The fate of England is once again in the hands of an ingenious archivist paired with a beautiful, fearless lady of adventure. And though their foe be fiendishly clever, so then is Mr. Books . . . and Miss Braun still has a number of useful and unusual devices hidden beneath her petticoats. 

Get your copy on AMAZON today!

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: amazon, author, book, ministry of peculiar occurrences, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, pip ballantine, polyamory, relationship advice, steampunk, tee morris