O.M. Grey's Blog, page 26
May 28, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 5
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Download: AR_Podcast_CH5.mp3
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel
May 23, 2012
Words to Live By…
A few weeks ago, I was touched and honored to see that one of my FB friends quoted me along with the comment “Words to live by.” The quote was a section of what I’ve pasted below from my post “The Problem with Self-Awareness”:
The love is within me.
The joy is within me.
The ecstasy and bliss are within me.
Although there is pain and fear and insecurities inside me, too. I face them head on. I turn into the waves. I dive into them, head on. I’m not afraid, for I know that in facing those things they pass much faster than by running from them.
I face it all. I embrace it all. For all of it. The joy and the sorrow. The bliss and the agony. It is all beautiful. It is all life and love. It is all experience that makes us human.
By burying it and running from it, you hurt yourself and everyone who comes into contact with you.
Courage. Find it.
Then, let’s talk.
Peace.
I post it again today as a reminder to myself as well as my readers. LIVE!
For those of you who are following my healing and reemergence from the dark, I’m doing quite well. Stronger everyday. I have realized with the help of dear, supportive friends, that I am “100% genuinely happy” most of the time. Always have been. Just not 100% of the time. Because, well, I’m human, not a robot. I’m real, not a façade. I live in the light, but I’m not afraid of the darkness.
I embrace it all.
If you have the strength, please share this journey with me. It’s a wild, wonderful, ecstatic ride.
Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: anxiety, author, broken heart, emotion, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, introspection, joy, life, light, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, self-aware, self-awareness, sex, shattered
May 21, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 4
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel
May 14, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 3
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel
May 12, 2012
Texting Fantasy
Sometimes it still feels so fresh. The pain has lessened, but the despair and sense of loss remains. Sometimes he feels so close, as if just one text could be the door to heal all wounds. Could be the door back to love. I’ve truly lost something so very significant.
I found this bit of writing yesterday. Something I wrote over two months ago, just two weeks after the split. The fantasy hasn’t changed much since then. Despite what I’ve been through, what I still go through every day, the love remains. Hope, however, fades just a little more with each passing day. The hope of an ounce of remorse from him. The hope of any sign that I meant anything to him. The hope that it was even ever real.
And still, I pick up my phone each day and hope for this text:
-_Q
Hi sweetheart. I miss you.
Although I wouldn’t recognize the number, as it’s no longer attached to your name, the “sweetheart” would tell me it was you.
I’d reply immediately:
Hello, my love. I miss you, too.
I think of you everyday. I love you.
You’d text.
I’d reply:
Oh, sweetie! I love you, too. You’re never more than a thought away.
Suggestions? You’d say.
Wednesday. I’d say.
Just you & me. Someplace public, but quiet. Let’s just be. Smile & laugh. Talk about nothing much. Perhaps a walk, hand in hand. And a single kiss before we’d part. Then again the following week. Slowly getting reacquainted. Just enjoying the others company. Eyes. Lips. Touch. For the next three weeks…
Then take me back to your place. Dribble wine on my flesh. Feed me chocolate. Kiss me all over with those sweet, tiny kisses.
Then with all the love, desire, and passion built up over the past six weeks, make love to me. Join me in that place of blissful ecstasy. Show me heaven again.
I miss you.
Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Short Fiction & Poetry Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, hope, intimacy, loss, love, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, poem, poetry, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, silence, sweetheart, text, texting
May 11, 2012
Polyamory Podcast Hiatus
Forgive me, dear readers and listeners.
I will be taking at least a month-long hiatus from podcasting the relationship essays. The next ones in the queue are from early this year when things were blissful with the auctioneer, before I was aware of the underlying abuse I’ve discussed at length in the past months since the split (i.e. devaluing and discarding). As I’ve said and read about again and again, narcissists are extremely convincing.
It is still far too painful and the betrayal too fresh to read those posts and relive the gorgeous dream that turned into a horrific nightmare overnight, so I’m taking a hiatus from reliving it again to care for my heart.
I hope you all understand.
It’s interesting to view the progression of the relationship, however.
To see how it can seem so beautiful and turn into something so painful. To watch how I took on the blame myself, even in the posts, and believed he was patient, loving, and kind. How I deluded myself those first weeks after the split. How my found peace was likely utter aftershock and near catatonia. How my readers rallied around me in support and solidarity through the comments. How I slowly realized just how deep the damage was.
Yes. He is a master manipulator. No doubt.
Building a Romantic Relationship
Primarily Secondary
Facing Fears
The Impact of Abandonment Fears on Self-Esteem
Letting Go to Love More Deeply
Put on the Back Burner
Standing Strong
Enlightened Relationship & Transcending Pain
Engulfment Fears: Running Away from Love
Breathing Out, I Smile
Grass is Greener Syndrome
Embracing Surrender & Finding Peace
He Said, She Said
Letting Go
Creating a New Identity
Feeling Helpless
You Are Not Alone in This
When Love Becomes Toxic
What Are You Laughing At?
Evolve, Damn It!
Oh, That’s Right
Pathology of the Commitmentphobe
PTSD from Emotional Abuse
The Problem with Self-Awareness
Allegory of the Cave
Authentic vs. False Self
Look Into My Eyes
Starting to Function Again
Ethical Responsibility: STI Edition
Silence is the Abuser’s Greatest Weapon
Yep. The cost of 3-4 weeks of bliss has been 22 weeks (and counting) of fearful confusion if not downright agony. Thus is the ratio of a relationship with a very charming narcissistic commitmentphobe. Please learn the signs early and save yourself the pain I’ve experienced.
The Polyamory Podcasts will resume in June, I hope. Certainly, I will be able to read them without tears by then. Right? I’m already close to that now thanks to the support of dear friends, readers, and loved ones.
Namaste.
Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Podcasts, Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered
May 9, 2012
Silence is the Abuser’s Greatest Weapon
Last week, I wrote a post called Ethical Responsibility: STI Edition. As I type this out, I’m sitting in Planned Parenthood waiting to go in for STI testing. As anyone who is sexually active, it is our responsibility to be regularly tested and share those results with partners. Today I’m a little nervous thanks to my former partner having genital herpes and neglecting to tell me about it. I’m sure it’s fine, but still. He deceived me. He deceives others. As I’ve written about in other posts, the abusive nature of this man doesn’t end there.
But if I talk about it or try to warn others to protect their hearts, souls, and bodies from this man, warn them about his lack of integrity, I risk being branded a “scorned woman” seeking revenge or whatever. Society protects the abuser. Why is that?
Last year I published a post “When Does Silence Become Complicity?,” where I revealed for the first time a series of incidents that happened when I was in college with a professor.
Yes, how cliché.
But why is it so? The lecherous middle-aged professor exploiting the relatively innocent, intimidated co-ed. It’s cliché because of the sheer number of times it happens. Just like the married/unavailable wo/man whose SO “doesn’t understand” him/her, s/he “hasn’t felt loved in years.” Or the charming, convincing narcissist who is so skilled at manipulation, s/he traumatizes wo/man after wo/man. Breaks heart after heart, caring for no one but him/herself.
Liars. Cheats. Abusive, damaging narcissists. Self-centered assholery focused on getting laid no matter what. Deceit. Coercion. Drugs.
Abuse runs rampant.
Why?
In part because the targets and survivors of such treachery are told to stay quiet. Are shamed into staying quiet.
“It’s not your place.”
“Just let him be and be glad you got away. He’s someone else’s problem now.”
“It’s time for you to heal. Don’t worry about them.”
“You’ll have to relive it all over again. Just focus on healing.”
“It’s not worth the trouble.”
“You’ll ruin their career/marriage/reputation. Don’t be vindictive.”
A friend of mine pointed out that our patriarchal (fairly misogynistic) society has taken the power of gossip away from women.
I think she’s right.
In this, as in all ethical dilemmas, there is a fine line between processing to friends and warning others. Between telling your story and slandering another human being.
Slander, by the way, is “oral defamation, in which someone tells one or more persons an untruth about another which untruth will harm the reputation of the person defamed. Slander is a civil wrong (tort) and can be the basis for a lawsuit.”
If what you are saying is the truth, then slander likely will not enter into it, unless the abuser has a lot of money and can get a lawyer just to be spiteful, which people of that calibre might do. One person’s “truth” can offer differ from another’s, however. Then it becomes the “truth” that can be proven in a court of law, if it goes that far.
Perhaps this is how abusers are protected by society: the fear of litigation (in an overly litigious society) on top of the fear of having to relive the traumatic events over and over again. Of being continuously trapped in the abuser’s nets, unable to escape.
Another example of how our society protects the abuser: if someone gives you an STI due to nondisclosure or outright lying, you have absolutely no legal recourse. None. Zip. Zilch. It is not against the law to knowingly transmit or expose another to an STI.
What the fuck?
Also, due to the covert nature of emotional abuse, it is often not documentable, unprovable. Sometimes the only “proof” is the damage shown by the target, which can all too easily be written off as the target’s mental instability or issues, even if they weren’t present before.
So how do we, as a society, deal with moral issues such as this?
This past weekend at Aetherfest, I had a fabulous conversation with Jaymee Goh, Magpie Killjoy, and other lovely people after a panel on Social Issues in Steampunk, and the concept of being held accountable by one’s community came up.
I love this idea, and I think this is possible. In fact, I’ve already seen it action in both the Steampunk community and my local Polyamory community, and it works well.
In my local Poly community, there have been people who have been “straightened out” by community education and pressure, evolving from inappropriate, boundary-crossing creeps to valuable members of the community. Those who have STIs and do not disclose their positive status are quickly ostracized.
In one instance, a man was “run out on a rail” after two of his “crazy” ex-girlfriends compared notes about his abusive, exploitive behavior. And I hope that it will happen again with a new member. Ladies, I’m here if you’d like to compare notes.
Don’t stay silent about abuse. Speak up. Stop it from happening again.
How do you think we, as a society, can deal with these moral issues? Protect ourselves and our community against the abusers without bringing more pain and trauma along with it?
Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: abuse, author, broken heart, emotional abuse, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, narcissist, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, physical abuse, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, sexual abuse, shattered, silence, verbal abuse
May 7, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 2
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel
May 5, 2012
Gaslighting (Podcast)
Episode 39: Gaslighting (Podcast).
One of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse…
Named after the film Gaslight, it subtly and slowly makes the target question his/her reality, deferring to the abuser. After weeks, months, or years of this, the target no longer knows what’s real and has completely lost their sense of self, but the worst part of it is they rarely know it as they’ve been slowly brainwashed that entire time. They only realize it when they’re out of the toxic relationship and can gain some perspective and support. Please, be on the lookout for early signs of Gaslighting. It is insidious and traumatic.
-_Q
Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abuse, author, compersion, consent, deception, emotional abuse, enthusiastic, fear, gaslight, gaslighting, healing, heart, heartbroken, help, honesty, insecurity, insidious, intimacy, jealous, jealousy, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, poly, polyamory, relationships, romance, self esteem, self-protection, sex, steampunk, trauma, traumatic, trust
May 3, 2012
Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 1
Starting today, Avalon Revisited, will be available for free in a serialized audio format via this blog, iTunes, Feedburner, and Podiobooks. Upon completion, the full audiobook will be available for your listening pleasure.
Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.
Contains Adult Content.
Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Avalon Revisited Podcast
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, king henry VIII, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sex, steampunk, vampires, victorian
