O.M. Grey's Blog, page 23

Cut the Double Standard

The best response to Daniel Tosh’s “misquoted” rape joke.

Thank you, Curtis Luciani.

-_Q

Let’s imagine a world in which women cut men’s dicks off. Like, frequently. To the extent that one in five men has had his dick cut off by a woman or had a woman attempt to cut his dick off.

(I apologize immediately if it sounds like I’m being flip. I am not being flip. Imagine the pain and shame and humiliation of someone cutting your dick off. Imagine it in earnest.)

Sometimes it’s a clear-cut case where a woman attacks you in the street, out of nowhere, and cuts your dick off. But more often it’s a situation where you actually know the woman, maybe you trust her, maybe you think everything’s okay, and then one day she cuts your dick off.

Still with me? This is going to take a while. I’ll tell you when I’m done. (And if you think I’m being insufferably self-righteous: Good news, you don’t have to read this!)

Okay, now let’s also say that the shame and guilt around having your dick cut off is so strong that many dick-cuttings go completely unreported. After all, someone is likely to raise the question of whether or not you were “asking for it” in one way or another. And if you do accuse a woman of cutting your dick off, you can expect to see people (quite naturally) rally to her defense and slander your character in response.

You can expect to see her friends… who are maybe also friends or yours… shrug their shoulders and say “Well, I don’t know, it’s complicated… it sounds like something was just happening between the two of them and maybe it got out of hand. I dunno. But I know that Sarah’s not a bad gal. I know she would never, like, MALICIOUSLY cut a dude’s dick off.”

So, a shitty state of affairs for the men-folk of our imaginary world, yes?

Now imagine that in this world, something like 90 percent of professional performing comedians are women. And they’ve accepted that there are certain codes of behavior when it comes to comedy. Most people who “like comedy” generally accept the premise that there are no subject areas that cannot be somehow given a comic treatment, but it is also accepted, as a practical rule, that as the subject gets more troubling, more intense, more painful, a more skilled approach is necessary to find the humor in it.

However, it is also accepted that people are people and they are going to have authentic responses to things. It is accepted, for example, that you probably should not go in front of an audience that contains several black people and start tossing around the n-word unless you have an EXCEPTIONALLY sophisticated and road-tested routine built around it, one that you are confident will overcome the very significant risk you are incurring. If a comedian did this and did NOT overcome the risk, no one would be shocked if the audience shouted her down and stormed her out of the club, nor would anyone be particularly eager to defend her.

HOWEVER, there’s this ONE thing. Many of the comediennes of this world have this ONE little sticking point. One little thing. It just IRKS the hell out of them that they can’t seem to make jokes about cutting dicks off without some whiny pussy male in the audience throwing a shit fit about it!

Now, sure, there’s a few comediennes at the top of their game who can pull it off. Their approach is skillful, and they somehow make the joke without minimalizing or trivializing the actual pain involved. But then the rest of them think, “Well, geez, if they can do it, why can’t I? It’s not fair, darn it! I should be able to work with the same material as someone much better than me and get the same result and not make anyone hate me or say mean things about me on the Internet! Waaaaahhh!

“I mean, after all, do that many men REALLY get their dicks cut off? I’ve heard the statistic, but that’s probably overblown. And I bet a lot of them were asking for it. I mean, in any case, there’s a lot of grey area. I know one thing for sure: none of the men I KNOW has ever had his dick cut off. If they had, they would tell me, right? I mean, right? And besides, there’s a principle at stake here. I AM AN ARTIST. I should be able to say whatever shitty thing I want, and people should be able to suppress their authentic response to it!

“And if they DON’T suppress their authentic response to it: why, that’s censorship or something! Besides, I know this and that example of a time where a comedienne I know made a joke that wasn’t even ABOUT dick-cutting, and some whiny pussy dude got upset about it anyway! It’s just these humorless masculinists! They can’t take a joke about anything anyway. So, since I can think of examples where a comedienne was unfairly criticized by someone without a sense of humor, this must be what happens in all cases.”

Okay, I think we see what I’m getting at here.

Fine, yes, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER. I will concede the following points that every comedian wants us all so badly to concede:

1) Theoretically, there is no subject that should be considered off-limits for humor.

2) There will always be some example where a performer of extremely high skill can take something very painful and make it work.

But…

Here’s what YOU need to understand:

1) Rape is way, WAY more prevalent than you seem to think it is. Are there more than five women in your audience? You do the math, and then you run the little fantasy scenario that I just put together in your head, and you tell me how it feels.

2) I ain’t buying any of that “If I can make jokes about genocide, why can’t I make jokes about rape?” Horseshit, unless you made those genocide jokes during a gig at the Srebrenica Funny Bone. You got away with making a joke about genocide because your odds of having a holocaust survivor’s kid in the audience were pretty fucking low.

And if you did happen to have one in the audience, and he heckled you, walked out, and wrote something nasty on the internet… would you be more likely to be a human being and say “Wow. I can understand why that person’s authentic response to what I was doing was so emotional and negative. Maybe my genocide material just isn’t good enough to justify the pain that it inflicts. Maybe I need more skill in order to pull this off.” Or are you gonna be a lousy piece of shit and say, “Yeah, I apologize, I guess, IF YOU WERE OFFENDED.”

Offended hasn’t got anything to do with it, moron.

People have wounds, and those wounds are painful. That doesn’t have shit to do with the weak concept of “taking offense.” If someone talks about Texas being a shitty state, I might “take offense” at that. Fine, whatever. All of us who like comedy are generally in agreement with the idea that “taking offense” is lame, and a comedian should be willing to “offend” whenever he or she wants to.

But causing pain is quite a different fucking matter. Your job as a comedian is to take us through pain, transcend pain, transform pain. And if you don’t get that, you are a fucking bully, and I’ve got zero time for bullies.

-_Q

I love this piece because when I think about my assault and what some people have said regarding the assault…

I’m sure he didn’t mean to.
Maybe he just got carried away.
He just didn’t know what to do or how to handle it
Maybe it was a misunderstanding
It started consensually, so what can you do?
He’s an asshole, sure, but a rapist?
Well, the important thing is that it’s over now.
He’ll get his one day. Just live well.

I turn the tables around and replace this scenario with what he did to me both times.

Then it becomes very, very clear.

It was rape.

And all these victim-blaming statements is a reflection of the larger cultural issue and people’s inability to look evil in the face and stand up for what’s right.

Interestingly, this Tosh jackass actually resembles my rapist. I’m sure he’s every bit as charming and affectionate and dangerous, too.

Now, let’s take a brief look at this double standard. This woman cut her husband’s penis off. Horrible act of violence. Disgusting.

And it was all over the new for weeks. Yet, that same day, 1800 women were raped in the United States. None of those made the news…Because 1800+ women are raped in the United States *EVERY DAY*

The Lt. said that it was intended to “inflict a great amount of pain and psychological damage” — um, you mean LIKE RAPE?!

The Lt. goes on to say, “I’ve been doing this for 22 years and the only other time I remember this happening was when Lorena Bobbitt did it, and that didn’t even happen here. This isn’t a typical domestic violence case — it was way over the top.”

Way over the top. Not your “typical” domestic violence case, because women being raped, that’s just commonplace, really. This is way over the top.

One other time in twenty years. And that’s compared to 1800+ rapes a day.

Lorena Bobbitt, you remember her if you’re as old as I am, and her name has become infamous for this very act. She cut off her husband’s penis after he raped her. This assault was after extensive psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse lasting for years. Theirs was one of the first cases that brought marital rape to public awareness. Just in 1992. Astounding.

He was acquitted for rape, of course, by the same district attorney who prosecuted his wife for the attack.

What’s more known today? The rape or the amputation. Her husband, btw, went on to be famous and a porn star. Yep. That’s how our culture treats rapists. Lorena Bobbitt is still synonymous with this act 22 years later. She had to change her name and keep a low profile. She runs a domestic violence center today.

And John is a celebrity.

Yep. Cultural issue.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin comedian, author, broken heart, curtis luciani, daniel tosh, dick cut off, double standard, fear, grief, healing, lorena bobbitt, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open marriage, passion, penis, penis amputation, polyamory, ptsd, rape, rape culture, rape jokes, rape survivor, relationship advice, relationships, sexual assault, shattered, violence

Building a Community of the Future

The below post is taken from Opinions @ bluebec.com. The author brings up some great questions. Thoughts?

-_Q

I have this idea. I’m not sure if it would work, or even be possible, but I’d like to try it out – sadly control groups and experimental groups are lacking.

A little background might help I guess, because what I’m asking for is people’s opinions and ideas as to whether my idea is feasible, whether they’ve seen anything else similar anywhere else, and overall whether I should push this as a form of community engagement.

I’m a member of a polyamorous community in Victoria (Australia). There has been a lot of discussion recently about how to ensure that the community remains safe and what (if any) role the committee of the incorporated organisation play in that. There is clearly a desire for clarity around the committee’s role and what the community can expect – but this isn’t the discussion I want here, this discussion is for my idea of creating a safer community.

If the leaders of a community (whether elected official leaders or other identified leaders) expressed clear opposition to unsafe behaviours and encouraged the community to openly and safely discuss how those unsafe behaviours have affected them personally (with no mention of perpetrators) in their lives, would that create a community were those who engaged in those behaviours would not feel welcome?

That’s nice and complicated, let me break it down to a specific example. If the committee/leaders stated that rape and other sexual crimes are behaviours that are not tolerated in the poly community, and the community was encouraged to have ongoing discussions regarding the effect that rape has had on their lives, without naming he perpetrator because this is the space for those who have experienced rape or other sex crimes, would those who believe that rape is no big deal have their minds changed, and would those who have raped or who will rape be less likely to remain in the community? Could a community be built that does not blame victims for the crimes against them but instead supports them and talks about the damage that silence and victim blaming causes?

We don’t talk about violence against others nearly often enough in the community spaces I inhabit. We do not express our distaste, our displeasure, our repulsion, our abhorrence against what is done by some to others. This culture of silence often means it is easy for people to be unaware of the extent of the harm that violence causes, and also how wide-spread some forms of violence are. If those of my community, who evidently felt safe to do so, stood up and told our stories of violence, those who don’t know would most likely be shocked at how common such things are. I’d want the leaders (elected or generally respected) to be very clear that no one invites crimes to be committed against them and that any form of victim blaming would not be tolerated.

I feel, in an ideal world, that this could work, that a community could start to talk about the harm that violence causes, and make it a very unwelcome environment for those individuals that participate in forms of violence against others – because their viewpoints that their behaviour is ok would be challenged by people who think it is not.

I’d love other opinions on this however.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, community, o.m. grey, olivia grey, polyamory, rape, romance, sex, sex crimes, sex positive, sexual assault

A Fate Worse Than Death…

Our culture protects rapists…but not for long thanks to women like Savannah, Chloe, and Helen. Women who refuse to stay silent about this culturally taboo subject. Women who refuse to stay silent about what happened to them because it makes others uncomfortable. Women who refuse to stay silent even when the law and society says they need to shut-the-fuck up.

Because, let me tell you one thing, provable or not in a court of law, rape is rape is rape. Too many people think rape must be violent rape by a stranger in a dark alley or in the bushes.

Too many people think of “date rape” as somehow not as traumatic as stranger rape. It is. Perhaps moreso because you have the betrayal of a loved one on top of the assault.

Too many people think rape has to be violent to be rape. It doesn’t. It can be coerced. It can be emotionally manipulated. It can be under intoxication.

Too many people think consent cannot be withdrawn. Too many people think that rape depends on the promiscuity level or lifestyle or attire or geographical location of the victim.

RAPE IS RAPE.

Fucking or fingering or going down on a person who is unconscious is rape
Fucking or fingering or going down on a person who is too drunk or drugged or terrified or emotionally distraught to freely consent is rape
Fucking or fingering or going down on a person who is crying their eyes out, terrified that if they don’t do it they’ll be abandoned or hurt or punished is rape.
Consenting to sex with a lover who turns violent halfway through without additional consent for that level of aggression/violence is rape
Violent, angry sex as means of a punishment for a perceived slight is rape.
Coercion is rape. Which means, if she says no and/or pushes your hand away, and you keep going and keep going and keep going, inching forward a little at a time until you finally wear her downand she gives in, that’s rape.

As for these rapists who made a “mistake” or didn’t know what they were doing or claim to have some “misunderstanding,” it’s still rape. So, for all you rapists who don’t think they’re rapists. Read this. We’ve got your number now. You know if something isn’t right. If it’s not “legally” rape, it can still be rape. You know the difference between enthusiastic consent and a partner trying to stop you or who is terrified or who is repeatedly saying or indicating no or who is too intoxicated to consent.

You fucking know.

Yesterday, I tweeted and posted FB status updates about a rape case of 17-year-old Savannah Dietrich who tweeted the names of her attackers after told not to talk about the case.

Fuck yeah, she did.

Remember what I’ve said before? Silence is the abuser’s greatest weapon.

Break the silence.

This young woman risked jail time to stand up for what’s right and to stand up for her rights. She tweeted her attackers’ names because others need to be warned. At 17 she risked jail time, and she prevailed.

Rapists are rapists are rapists. If they’ve raped once, they will likely rape again. And, sadly, once a victim of sexual assault, you are more likely to be a victim again, largely because of the rape culture and victim blaming. Largely because most rapists walk free to rape again. Largely because of weak laws and sleazy defense attornies.

Something has become painfully clear to me in the past weeks, and that’s we live in a RAPE CULTURE.

What is a rape culture? This is:

Using phrases like “cry rape” for anything
Rape jokes, including jokes about roofies and getting someone drunk to have sex with them
“Satirical” essays on rape
Claiming that women who are drunk can’t be raped. They’re asking for it, after all, right?
Victim blaming, like


Why were you there?
What were you wearing?
Did you fight back?
Why didn’t you scream?
Did you say no?
Men get carried away.
She likes to “play the victim.”
Why doesn’t she just get over it?
Live well, it’s the best revenge.
“Why do you bring it up, it’s over, you can’t let it rule your life.”
“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!”
“He has a problem that will ruin his life, he’ll be sad and alone when he dies.” (i.e. more concern for the rapist than the survivor)…and other such platitudes



A 7th grader being raped and then forced to write an apology to her rapist, then raped again.
Teaching women “Don’t get raped” rather than teaching men “Don’t rape.”
Making comments like, “If drunken sex can be considered rape, then everyone is a rapist and everyone has been raped.”
Saying sometimes women “get carried away” with “crying rape” afterward
The victim’s past sexual history or lifestyle being called into question
Victims afraid of making things worse by speaking out
The comments on this post, and so very many like it across the internet
Making it so difficult and embarrassing that less than 50% of victims even report their assault
The fact that 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime

This is rape culture (taken from sfburnergrrrl’s blog):

“Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn’t follow all the rules it’s your fault.

Rape culture is victim-blaming. Rape culture is a judge blaming a child for her own rape. Rape culture is a minister blaming his child victims. Rape culture is accusing a child of enjoying being held hostage, raped, and tortured. Rape culture is spending enormous amounts of time finding any reason at all that a victim can be blamed for hir own rape.

Rape culture is judges banning the use of the word rape in the courtroom. Rape culture is the media using euphemisms for sexual assault. Rape culture is stories about rape being featured in the Odd News.

Rape culture is tasking victims with the burden of rape prevention. Rape culture is encouraging women to take self-defense as though that is the only solution required to preventing rape. Rape culture is admonishing women to “learn common sense” or “be more responsible” or “be aware of barroom risks” or “avoid these places” or “don’t dress this way,” and failing to admonish men to not rape.

Rape culture is “nothing” being the most frequent answer to a question about what people have been formally taught about rape.

Rape culture is boys under 10 years old knowing how to rape.

Rape culture is the idea that only certain people rape—and only certain people get raped. Rape culture is ignoring that the thing about rapists is that they rape people. They rape people who are strong and people who are weak, people who are smart and people who are dumb, people who fight back and people who submit just to get it over with, people who are sluts and people who are prudes, people who rich and people who are poor, people who are tall and people who are short, people who are fat and people who are thin, people who are blind and people who are sighted, people who are deaf and people who can hear, people of every race and shape and size and ability and circumstance.

Rape culture is the narrative that sex workers can’t be raped. Rape culture is the assertion that wives can’t be raped. Rape culture is the contention that only nice girls can be raped.

Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing that the victim of every rapist shares in common is bad fucking luck. Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing a person can do to avoid being raped is never be in the same room as a rapist. Rape culture is avoiding talking about what an absurdly unreasonable expectation that is, since rapists don’t announce themselves or wear signs or glow purple.

Rape culture is people meant to protect you raping you instead—like parents, teachers, doctors, ministers, cops, soldiers, self-defense instructors.

Rape culture is a serial rapist being appointed to a federal panel that makes decisions regarding women’s health.

Rape culture is a ruling that says women cannot withdraw consent once sex commences.

Rape culture is a collective understanding about classifications of rapists: The “normal” rapist (whose crime is most likely to be dismissed with a “boys will be boys” sort of jocular apologia) is the man who forces himself on attractive women, women his age in fine health and form, whose crime is disturbingly understandable to his male defenders. The “real sickos” are the men who go after children, old ladies, the disabled, accident victims languishing in comas—the sort of people who can’t fight back, whose rape is difficult to imagine as titillating, unlike the rape of “pretty girls,” so easily cast in a fight-fuck fantasy of squealing and squirming and eventual relenting to the “flattery” of being raped.

Rape culture is the insistence on trying to distinguish between different kinds of rape via the use of terms like “gray rape” or “date rape.”

Rape culture is pervasive narratives about rape that exist despite evidence to the contrary. Rape culture is pervasive imagery of stranger rape, even though women are three times more likely to be raped by someone they know than a stranger, and nine times more likely to be raped in their home, the home of someone they know, or anywhere else than being raped on the street, making what is commonly referred to as “date rape” by far the most prevalent type of rape. Rape culture is pervasive insistence that false reports are common, although they are less common (1.6%) than false reports of auto theft (2.6%). Rape culture is pervasive claims that women make rape accusations willy-nilly, when 61% of rapes remain unreported.

Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that there is a “typical” way to behave after being raped, instead of the acknowledgment that responses to rape are as varied as its victims, that, immediately following a rape, some women go into shock; some are lucid; some are angry; some are ashamed; some are stoic; some are erratic; some want to report it; some don’t; some will act out; some will crawl inside themselves; some will have healthy sex lives; some never will again.

Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that a rape victim who reports her rape is readily believed and well-supported, instead of acknowledging that reporting a rape is a huge personal investment, a difficult process that can be embarrassing, shameful, hurtful, frustrating, and too often unfulfilling. Rape culture is ignoring that there is very little incentive to report a rape; it’s a terrible experience with a small likelihood of seeing justice served.

Rape culture is hospitals that won’t do rape kits, disbelieving law enforcement, unmotivated prosecutors, hostile judges, victim-blaming juries, and paltry sentencing.

Rape culture is the fact that higher incidents of rape tend to correlate with lower conviction rates.

Rape culture is silence around rape in the national discourse, and in rape victims’ homes. Rape culture is treating surviving rape as something of which to be ashamed. Rape culture is families torn apart because of rape allegations that are disbelieved or ignored or sunk to the bottom of a deep, dark sea in an iron vault of secrecy and silence.

Rape culture is the objectification of women, which is part of a dehumanizing process that renders consent irrelevant. Rape culture is treating women’s bodies like public property. Rape culture is street harassment and groping on public transportation and equating raped women’s bodies to a man walking around with valuables hanging out of his pockets. Rape culture is most men being so far removed from the threat of rape that invoking property theft is evidently the closest thing many of them can imagine to being forcibly subjected to a sexual assault.

Rape culture is treating 13-year-old girls like trophies for men regarded as great artists.

Rape culture is ignoring the way in which professional environments that treat sexual access to female subordinates as entitlements of successful men can be coercive and compromise enthusiastic consent.

Rape culture is a convicted rapist getting a standing ovation at Cannes, a cameo in a hit movie, and a career resurgence in which he can joke about how he hates seeing people get hurt.

Rape culture is when running dogfights is said to elicit more outrage than raping a woman would.

Rape culture is blurred lines between persistence and coercion. Rape culture is treating diminished capacity to consent as the natural path to sexual activity.

Rape culture is pretending that non-physical sexual assaults, like peeping tomming, is totally unrelated to brutal and physical sexual assaults, rather than viewing them on a continuum of sexual assault.

Rape culture is diminishing the gravity of any sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, or culture of actual or potential coercion in any way.

Rape culture is using the word “rape” to describe something that has been done to you other than a forced or coerced sex act. Rape culture is saying things like “That ATM raped me with a huge fee” or “The IRS raped me on my taxes.”

Rape culture is rape being used as entertainment, in movies and television shows and books and in video games.

Rape culture is television shows and movies leaving rape out of situations where it would be a present and significant threat in real life.

Rape culture is Amazon offering to locate “rape” products for you.

Rape culture is rape jokes. Rape culture is rape jokes on t-shirts, rape jokes in college newspapers, rape jokes in soldiers’ home videos, rape jokes on the radio, rape jokes on news broadcasts, rape jokes in magazines, rape jokes in viral videos, rape jokes in promotions for children’s movies, rape jokes on Page Six (and again!), rape jokes on the funny pages, rape jokes on TV shows, rape jokes on the campaign trail, rape jokes on Halloween, rape jokes in online content by famouspeople, rape jokes in online content by non-famous people, rape jokes in headlines, rape jokes onstage at clubs, rape jokes in politics, rape jokes in one-woman shows, rape jokes in print campaigns, rape jokes in movies, rape jokes in cartoons, rape jokes in nightclubs, rape jokes on MTV, rape jokes on late-nightchat shows, rape jokes in tattoos, rape jokes in stand-upcomedy, rape jokes on websites, rape jokes at awards shows, rape jokes in online contests, rape jokes in movie trailers, rape jokes on the sides of buses, rape jokes on cultural institutions…

Rape culture is people objecting to the detritus of the rape culture being called oversensitive, rather than people who perpetuate the rape culture being regarded as not sensitive enough.

Rape culture is the myriad ways in which rape is tacitly and overtly abetted and encouraged having saturated every corner of our culture so thoroughly that people can’t easily wrap their heads around what the rape culture actually is.

That’s hardly everything. It’s merely the tip of an unfathomable iceberg.”

Still don’t get it?

This is rape culture:

This is rape culture:

This is rape culture:

This is rape culture:

This is rape culture:

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This is rape culture:

ENOUGH with the rape culture, people. It is up to each and every one of us to stand up for what’s right.

Men and women, alike, learn what is and isn’t sexual assault. What’s the best way to learn? FROM THE SURVIVORS. By talking about it. Open discussion and debate, ESPECIALLY in sex-positive communities.

Broadening the definition of rape in our culture and eventually in our laws hurt no one but the rapist. For, as I’ve said before, if it’s close enough to sexual assault to come into question, then that’s too close. If a woman or man feels violated or assaulted, even if it was “consensual,” then that’s too close.

Enthusiastic consent. Nothing less.

And, huge kudos to those women mentioned at the beginning of this post. You are truly an inspiration. I hope more will follow Helen’s suit.

We must end the silence.

Please help me do so.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, bdsm, broken heart, emotional abuse, emotional predator, emotional rape, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, predator, predators, rape, rape culture, rape survivor, relationship advice, relationships, romance, savannah dietrich, sex, sexual abuse, sexual assault, sexual predator, shattered

Advice from the Buddha

Taken from the post Was Buddha a Bad Father?

A) Never tell a lie. Anyone who can tell you the slightest of lies is also capable of any evil. We’ve seen this repeatedly in the financial world.

B) For every physical, verbal, emotional, and mental action you take, FOCUS before, during, and after to make sure nobody is getting hurt.

Just found this blog today. Extremely well-written with some awesome advice, although I don’t agree with everything he says, much of what I’ve seen so far is helpful, especially if he adheres to these two principles as closely as I do.

Here are some others:

How to Deal with Crappy People 
Seven Things Happen When You are Completely Honest
“I Want to Die” - very interesting, especially the post about the guy who just fucked call girls because he didn’t want to deal with any of that emotional stuff. At least it kept him from breaking hearts and using women. Still, not a happy guy if he hung himself. I do like what Altucher says about wanting to die, though. I can relate.


Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: author, broken heart, buddha, deception, evil, healing, honesty, lie, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, psychopath, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sociopath

Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 15 & 16

Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.

Contains Adult Content.

Avalon Revisited – Chapter 15 & 16

Download: AR_Podcast_CH15-16.mp3

Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Avalon Revisited Podcast

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sadism, sadist, sado-masochism, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel

Love Bombing, Sex, and Flattery

Didn’t get the polyamory podcast recorded this week, but I hope to have a new one next week.

In the mean time, please read this informative article and learn those signs early.

Ironically, this was posted the day before I had my fist date with the auctioneer.

Here’s an excerpt:

Psychopaths commonly engage in love bombing as their hook, to sink their claws into their victims. The flattery, declarations of love and romantic encounters bond and attract the victims to them. This process is not reciprocal. Since psychopaths attach to others without emotionally bonding to them, they only bond the target, not the predator.

Such techniques pump up the victim’s confidence and get her addicted to the supply: of flattery, of romantic words and gestures, or constant displays of “affection” and love making. But only one person–the victim–is actually making love. The other one–the predator–is conquering her, getting her to depend upon his presence and approval, so that he can later tear her apart. That is a psychopath’s main goal: to exercise control over his targets and ultimately harm them. The psychopathic bond is, as Sandra Brown aptly puts it, “a relationship of inevitable harm.”

When victims are still in the honeymoon phase of the psychopathic bond they rarely believe that the person who appears to woo and romance them so much, the one who claims to adore them, intends to use, control and ultimately destroy them. But as the relationship with a psychopath unfolds, this underlying goal becomes more obvious. He starts to get you to focus on your weaknesses. He starts to tell you the criticisms leveled against you by other people (supposedly) so that you focus on those issues. Initially the criticisms don’t come from him (supposedly). They come from your colleague or your friends or his family members. Then, slowly, they start coming from him. Maybe you should exercise more. Or lose some weight. Or you don’t wear the right kind of makeup. Or professionally you’re not successful enough. Or you’re no longer as sexually exciting to him. Bit by bit, criticism by criticism, the psychopath undermines your self-worth. This process may happen in a few months or may be painfully slow and gradual, a matter of years. Either way, it’s highly effective. You are already used to his flattery and validation. What are you doing wrong that you’re no longer getting them? Your sense of who you are and self-confidence begin to slip. You do what you can to regain his approval, or perhaps even his idolatry. His “love.”

And, it’s devastating.

From near the beginning he got me to stop wearing makeup and change my hairstyle through flattery. All the way through changing intimate grooming choices, not through flattery but through criticisms…subtle manipulation and control.

And that was just the beginning. Shortly thereafter he honed in on my insecurities and blamed me for everything, all disguised as loving compassion. Insidious.

And I didn’t see a thing. Until it was far too late. Until after I had been psychologically raped, sexually assaulted, devalued, and discarded.

I must’ve been a tasty treat for him, to break down an accomplished author and speaker, to destroy my self-esteem as I was almost healed.

Yep. Must’ve been yummy indeed.

Fucking monster.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: emotional rape, manipulation, narcissist, o.m. grey, olivia grey, polyamory, predators, psychological rape, psychopath, rape, romance, sex, sexual assault, sociopath

Please, No Platitudes.

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At one time or another, everyone suffers a broken heart (except, of course, psychopaths and sociopaths). Some take longer than others to heal, depeding on the significance of the relationship/loss, how it ended, personality, place in life, etc.

You see your friend or loved one hurting, and you don’t know what to say, so you say something like this:

“There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

“Get back on the horse.”

“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”

“Sometimes relationships end.”

“You just weren’t meant for each other.”

Um. Not fucking helpful.

If someone is grieving because of the loss of a very significant relationship, don’t insult them by spouting platitudes. Their pain is real, and if you want to help, then listen. Offer them support, but be kind. One day, it will be you who needs the support.

If your friend or loved one has been abused or assaulted in some way, whether it be psychologically, emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually, such platitudes can actually re-traumatize them and set back their healing.

Especially in cases of abuse or assault, never ever say:

“What is it about you that attracts people like this?”

This puts blame on the victim, something they’re already struggling with. Victims of abuse are trying desperately to regain their sense of self, the self-esteem robbed from them. Victims, on that long road to recovery and transition to “survivor,” struggle with self-blame.

How didn’t I see him for who he was?

Am I that naive?

Am I that stupid?

Did I do something to deserve this?

Maybe I wasn’t patient enough or loving enough or understanding enough…

By saying things like “What is is about you that attracts people like this,” you are inadvertantly reinforcing the idea that they did something wrong. If you have ever known (or have been) raped, assaulted, beaten down (physically or emotionally), battered, abused, or manipulated, then you know the victim did nothing to deserve such treatment.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to accept in the past couple of years is that some people are just evil, for lack of a better word. They abuse. They hurt. They know they hurt, and they keep doing it. They choose to do it over and over because they just don’t fucking care. Or because they get off on it. Whatever their reason, it doesn’t matter.

The idea that victims of abuse and assault do something to deserve it is not only balderdash, it’s re-traumatizing to the survivor.

Other things not to say:

“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

“God (Allah, the Universe, the Great Spirit, whatever) is trying to teach you a lesson.”

“God (et al.) only gives you what you can handle.”

“The best revenge is living well/success.”

“Just get on with your life and put this behind you.”

“Just let scorpions be scorpions.” (see below)

“You can’t control him/her; you can only control yourself.”

“Things just didn’t work out.” or “Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

“Sometimes bad things happen to good people.”

“Did you say NO!”

“Did you push him away?”

“Did you scream?”

“It takes two to tango.”

“Did you see the red flags and just ignore them?”

“They’ll get theirs one day.”

“Karma’s a bitch.”

I think you get the picture.

No one wants to talk about rape or sexual assault. No one wants to talk about the gray area of nonconsensual sex, the part that’s not expressly against the law (as they have to be able to prove it in court beyond a shadow of a doubt, but is close enough that the after effects are still deeply traumatizing and damaging).

Sexual assault/rape. Psychological rape. Spiritual rape. Especially if no law was clearly broken, can be even more damaging because the victim not only has to deal with the after effects of a traumatic experience, often including the fun experience of PTSD with its flashbacks and increasing fear, but they have to do so alone. No community support. No legal validation. Their rapist gets to walk free and target other people. Right in front of the victim, causing the victim/survivor to collapse more and more into themselves and hide away out of self-protection, isolate themselves from their communities because the community embraces the rapist, not wanting to deal with the drama of the target.

This kind of treatment sets the survivor up to be victimized again. The rate of revictimization is staggering, and abuse is cumulative. After each new abuse, which the target because less and less able to protect themselves from because of previous abuses and the subsequent societal tendency to blame the victim, albeit inadvertantly, because they never get the support and validation they need. They never get to heal fully because the cause of the trauma was never recognized, let alone validated.

And PTSD from emotional and sexual abuse is rampant. The symptoms of chronic PTSD are often misdiagnosed as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, and other such psychological ailments.

If anti-depressents have never worked on you, although you’ve been diagnosed with depression…

If some symptoms of a particular label or personality disorder fit you, but others don’t…

If your anxiety is situational, especially around relationships (and even moreso around relationships that turn out to be abusive)…

…then you might be suffering from chronic PTSD from a lifetime of unrecognized abuse rather than a chemical imbalance. It’s been quite the eye-opener.

Some horrifying statistics:

80% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows
Over 50% of sexual assaults/rapes are not reported
Only 12% lead to an arrest
Only 3% will spend even a day behind bars
That means that 97% of the rapists are walking free
More Facts &  Myths Concerning Sexual Assault

This is a societal issue. By allowing victims of such heinous crimes to feel safe to talk and come forward, we can slowly tip these scales. By supporting our loved ones who have experienced assault (and whether or not YOU consider it assault doesn’t fucking matter. If they feel assaulted, that’s what matters. The effect on them is the same, and if you start questioning them about the validity of their claim, you are shaming them into staying quiet, and their abuser goes on to victimize others. The Predator Theory shows that about 8% of men commit 96% of the assaults, and it’s because we, as a society, lets them keep doing it.), you help them heal, regain the strength and self-respect stolen from them, and maybe help stop their abuser from hurting another.

If this abuser is part of your community, especially a sex-positive community such as polyamorous, BDSM, or swinger, spread the word. Their greatest fear is to be exposed. And by keeping their secrets, we enable them to victimize others. It is time to have this discussion openly. To teach community members to protect themselves from sexual and emotional abuse.

And, for all that is good and sacred, don’t tell the survivor the fable of The Frog and The Scorpion, inviting them to just let scorpions be scorpions. I have several problems with this fable as an analogy to excuse (or at least explain) abusive behavior, especially in the cases of those without empathy, like narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths (NPS), but even in the cases of other types of harmful abusers.

First: The frog knew the scorpion was a scorpion. Had the scorpion disguised itself as a frog and then stung him, that might be more accurate. These manipulative and abusive monsters (NPS) look and act very human. They aren’t. Big difference. If they showed themselves to be who they are up front, they wouldn’t hurt so many people.

Second: The scorpion had a fucking choice. His tail doesn’t sting on its own. He controls it. It might be in his nature, but he still has the choice of whether to sting or not to sting. That’s like saying a man has a dick, so he can stick it wherever he wants whether it’s consensual or not because, well, he has a dick! That’s what it’s for!

Third: It’s a parable for rape. Period. And, worse, it’s a parable for excusing rape.

 So, my dear friends, listen. Don’t speak. Don’t judge. Don’t try to understand because you can’t unless you’ve experienced it yourself. My greatest support during this trying time have been other women who have been sexually assaulted, because they get it.

And I get it, by even allowing for the possibility that the victim did nothing to deserve such treatment, whether the assult was emotional, psychological, physical, verbal, or sexual, you are admitting that something like this can happen to you or your daughter/son.

Well, it can.

Accept that and teach your children and your friends/loved ones how to be self-protective. Teach them how to recognze abuse early. Teach them how not to trust so easily. Teach them what sexual assault looks like, even in the gray areas. (Because, seriously, just because a law isn’t broken doesn’t mean that it’s not dangerous. Would you want your daughter/sister/friend/GF/wife/mother dating a man who isn’t a legal rapist but just and emotional/psychological rapist? With a man who uses coercion and fear and manipulation to control her? To assault her just on this side of the  law? Even if it’s not “rape” or “assault,” do you want her with someone who uses sexual abuse as a control tactic?)

Some of us never got those lessons. It’s not our fault, but we are the ones who suffer for it. Again and again, it seems.

For someone who is healing, however, that is not the time for a lesson in self-protection or platitudes or suggestions of you should’ve known better. This is not a time to justify or defend your lifestyle because of a perceived judgment or similarities.

The person is hurt. Period.

They are struggling just to make it through the next day. Period.

Don’t make it harder on them by retraumatizing them. Don’t abandon them because it’s too inconvenient for you.

If you love them, then LISTEN.

Listen. Patiently, because they will say the same things over and over again as they try to rebuild their reality around the betrayal.

Offer to take them to a shelter. To sit with them as they call an abuse hotline with people trained to deal with abuse. To find a PTSD/sexual assault counselor (because those not trained in abuse/assault recovery can aslo retraumatize the survivor by saying things like “no one is to blame, he was just acting on his limiting beliefs, or he’s this way because he was abused, too.” Not helpful, and — as I’ve said before — when your pain causes others pain, repeatedly. That’s your choice to continue, and that is your responsibility).

Research what you can do to be more supportive. There are countless websites listing ways to help and be there for your friend or loved one. GOOGLE IT!

Expect suicidal ideation. Expect confusion. Expect them to love their abuser through it all. The trauma bond is extremely strong, and confusing feelings around abuse and assault are completely normal. Someone they loved and trusted betrayed them in the most heinous way imaginable: a violation not only of that love and trust, but also body, mind, and soul.

Don’t judge. Validate. Be supportive. LISTEN.

And, please, no platitudes.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, emotional support, fear, frog, frog and scorpion, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, platitudes, polyamory, ptsd, rape, relationship advice, relationships, romance, scorpion, sex, sexual abuse, sexual assault, shattered, steampunk, trigger, triggers

Steampunk Spotlight: Gearhearts #3

Get your copy of Gearhearts Steampunk Glamour Revue today featuring ME!

Author O. M. Grey on the cover of this great magazine, and inside, find a scandalous photo spread (with and without the wig), my short story “Of Aether and Aeon,” and an in-depth author interview!

You can get your copy direct from the publisher at Antarctic Press and several online comic vendors.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, author visit, book, cosplay, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, romance, sex, short story, steampunk, victorian

Avalon Revisited (Podcast) – Chapter 13 & 14

Arthur Tudor has made his existence as a vampire bearable for over three hundred years by immersing himself in blood and debauchery. Aboard an airship gala, he meets Avalon, an aspiring vampire slayer who sparks fire into Arthur’s shriveled heart. Together they try to solve the mystery of several horrendous murders on the dark streets of London. Cultures clash and pressures rise in this sexy Steampunk Romance.

Contains Adult Content.

Avalon Revisited – Chapter 13 & 14

Download: AR_Podcast_CH13-14.mp3

Buy your copy of the award-winning, Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, on the Kindle or Nook, or on Smashwords in various eBook formats. Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Avalon Revisited Podcast

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: arthur tudor, audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, book, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, henry VIII, hyde park, king henry VIII, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, renaissance, sadism, sadist, sado-masochism, sex, spring-heeled jack, steampunk, vampires, victorian, victorian brothel

Enough Silence

Filed under: Lost in the Aether