O.M. Grey's Blog, page 28

Steampunk Spotlight: SPC Reader’s Choice WINNERS!

“Dust on the Davenport”

WINNER best short story
*
Avalon Revisited

WINNER best fiction

See the complete list of winners here.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, avalon revisited, contest, dj doctor q, dust on the davenport, ministry of peculiar occurrences, o.m. grey, olivia grey, short story, steampunk, steampunk chronicle

PTSD from Emotional Abuse

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is mostly associated with soldiers returning from war. After the horrors witnessed in such an unnatural setting, many wo/men have a difficult time returning to “normal” life, often suffering from flashbacks, panic attacks, and severe anxiety.

Contrary to popular misconceptions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction) are not typical responses to prolonged abuse. They are the outcomes of sudden exposure to severe or extreme stressors (stressful events). Yet, some victims whose life or body have been directly and unequivocally threatened by an abuser react by developing these syndromes. PTSD is, therefore, typically associated with the aftermath of physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults. (Source)

Any traumatic event can trigger it. Rape, assault, acts of physical or verbal violence, even repeated emotional abuse or the sudden split of a significant relationship, especially if abuse was involved.

Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability. (Source)

I’m rather ashamed to admit that I’ve experienced them all. These last few weeks have made me realize just how deep the auctioneer traumatized me. It was my husband who noticed, actually. He said that I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, and he was right. How embarrassing to be experiencing PTSD because of such a short-lived relationship.

But there it is.

However, this reaction doesn’t reflect me or my ability to cope as much as it speaks to the depth of the abuse. The depth of the trauma caused by covert emotional, cruel verbal, and even borderline sexual abuse, not to mention the sudden change in his personality and subsequent abandonment.

The first phase of PTSD involves incapacitating and overwhelming fear. The victim feels like she has been thrust into a nightmare or a horror movie. She is rendered helpless by her own terror. She keeps re-living the experience through recurrent and intrusive visual and auditory hallucinations (“flashbacks”) or dreams. In some flashbacks, the victim completely lapses into a dissociative state and physically re-enacts the event while being thoroughly oblivious to her whereabouts.

In an attempt to suppress this constant playback and the attendant exaggerated startle response (jumpiness), the victim tries to avoid all stimuli associated, however indirectly, with the traumatic event. Many develop full-scale phobias (agoraphobia, claustrophobia, fear of heights, aversion to specific animals, objects, modes of transportation, neighbourhoods, buildings, occupations, weather, and so on).

My fear has been so great, that an email from him throws me into a panic attack, knowing that it just contains more pain. I don’t read them when they come in. In fact, I no longer know if they do or not, thanks to email filters that just delete them before I even see them.

Thank goodness for technology.

Emotional abuse, like gaslighting as well as so many other insidious forms, is hard to recognize and even harder to prove. Often, the only indication that your partner is causing emotional damage is to trust yourself and how you feel.

Are you asking yourself if you’re crazy?
Are you questioning reality?
Do you feel blamed for everything in the relationship?
Do you feel unsafe to talk with your partner about anything?/li>

Remember…is s/he charming? That is a huge red flag and a sign of an emotional predator. Certainly not all charming people are predators or abusive, but it is something of which to take note, especially if they are particularly charming. Please, please look closer, or perhaps, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Find out about their past relationships. How many? How did they end? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Their words? Are they relatively consistent in their words/actions?

#1 indication: They don’t take responsibility for their actions.

Please read these links on Emotional & Sexual Abuse and learn to recognize the signs early so you can get out before you fall in love. Sometimes the signs are so subtle you miss them. We must learn to protect ourselves and strengthen our armor against this insidious slings and arrows.

This is a War: Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Symptoms of Emotional Abuse
Love is Respect – Stop Dating Abuse
Emotional Abuse Quiz
Dr. Phil: Signs of Emotional Abuse & the Effects of Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse is heart and soul mutilation
Domestic Violence & Abuse, including the cycle of abuse
Are You Dating an Abuser? – Psychology Today

Please believe me when I say that these actions are insidious. I mean it. They are so subtle and often covered up by grand gestures of love and excessive affection. Sexual ecstasy and talking of how special you are mixed with the depth of connection & intimacy. It is very intoxicating and convincing, but beneath it all there might be a constant assault on your sense of self through gaslighting and other forms of covert abuse.

The first step is recognizing abuse as abuse. One very surprising thing I learned about myself over the past few weeks is that some types of emotional abuse feel like love to me. Another reason the trauma is so deep: it’s not just the damage from the auctioneer, but it is unhealed damage from a lifetime of emotional and sexual abuse. So many people don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like because most of what they know has been dysfunctional.

Research PTSD and Emotional Abuse. If you are exhibiting any of the signs, you might be trapped in a betrayal or trauma bond with the abuser. This makes it even harder to get away and heal.

Let us all learn how to protect ourselves from such people, for in this society, there is no other recourse. No way to prove it. No way to make them accountable for the damage they cause. Our only hope of defense against this type of abuse is to recognize the danger early, reinforce our armor, and get away before a trauma bond can be created.

In solidarity…

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, betrayal bond, broken heart, emotional abuse, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, ptsd, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, trauma

Steampod Interview with O. M. Grey

Super special thanks to Chris Moody for this podcast interview!

—->Link to Interview

Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: author, chris moody, conjour, convention, honest, houston, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, steampod

Steampunk Spotlight: Admiral’s Feast!

Please join me at the Florida Steampunk Exhibition’s Admiral’s Feast this Friday evening! Then follow that up by engaging in the gossip of the day at the High Tea on Saturday. Looking forward to seeing you all there!

Get your tickets HERE!!

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Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: abney park, admirals feast, author visit, avalon, convention, cosplay, florida steampunk exhibition east, florida steampunk society, o.m. grey, olivia grey, steampunk, victorian

Steampunk Spotlight: Admiral's Feast!

Please join me at the Florida Steampunk Exhibition's Admiral's Feast this Friday evening! Then follow that up by engaging in the gossip of the day at the High Tea on Saturday. Looking forward to seeing you all there!

Get your tickets HERE!!

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Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: abney park, admirals feast, author visit, avalon, convention, cosplay, florida steampunk exhibition east, florida steampunk society, o.m. grey, olivia grey, steampunk, victorian

Pathology of the Commitmentphobe

Until last month, I had never heard the term. Of course I have known many men in my life that were afraid of commitment. Women, too. I'm afraid of commitment in some ways. And I'm too committed in others. (Maybe should be committed )

But while searching for answers last month after a sudden and thereby shocking breakup, I've learned some new things about people, relationships, and myself.

One day when I didn't want to spend another day leaning on very patient friends or crying alone, I went out to Barnes & Noble to find How To Survive the Loss of a Love. While there in the relationship section of the store, I saw a book called He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships. Although I didn't really understand what had happened to cause my recent relationship to crash and burn so suddenly, I did know that it had to do with both of us being trapped in our fears.

As I sat in B&N with my Tomato Basil Panini, I started reading. There it all was in black & white. It was as if the authors had observed our relationship, took notes, jumped in the TARDIS, went back twenty years, and wrote this book. There were all the answers I was searching for. The explanations of why he did what he did. Perfect descriptions of everything that was going through my head and my heart. Soon thereafter, I had not only bought that book, but I also got the authors' first book Men Who Can't Love.

By the end of the week, I had read them both cover to cover. These authors and their research helped me heal. I was finally beginning to understand what had happened, and I finally got that it wasn't my fault.

Back during the first week after my breakup, I wrote a blog post called Engulfment Fears: Running Away From Love, in which I expressed just how ridiculous that fear was (along with how its polar opposite, abandonment fears, were also absurd). One commenter said I had totally missed the mark on that post. And he was right. I did. I had no idea that this level of commitment fear was actually a psychological illness, a pathological phobia in many cases, and it makes me feel ever so sad for those who suffer from it.

From the foreword in Men Who Can't Love:

Woman after woman told story after story about man after man who went from loving to rejecting–for no understandable reason. These men were in hot pursuit one day and in flight the next, omnipresent one week and "gone," "vanished," and "unreachable" the next…

When a woman is involved in a relationship with a man who undergoes a transformation that takes him from attentive and caring to distant and hurtful–for no apparent reason–it's not surprise that she typically becomes profoundly traumatized…

In fact, the intensity that surrounded their relationships was usually so overwhelming that the women frequently saw their connections to these men as something preordained and beyond any logical explanation. These men were running away from acceptance, love, and passion!

The authors go on to say that they wrote the book to let these women know that "they were not at fault."

This was not happening to them because they were not giving enough. This was not happening because they were not understanding enough. This was not happening because they weren't patient enough. This was not happening because they were not enough. This was happening because they had partners with serious problems, and any attempt to do more for these partners would only intensify their confusing behavior.

As I've written about time and again, everyone has fears. I know I sure do. And it's in sharing those fears that two people can become closer. It's in facing those fears together that intimacy can develop, and a couple can actually learn to deal with them in a healthier way and perhaps even transcend them. But in order to do that, one must first acknowledge their own fears. It's difficult, and it takes serious courage to look at oneself and then to admit that you are swimming in fear.

But we all are. It's okay.

What's not okay is to avoid those fears, deny them, and allow them to hurt other people again and again. And that's what these commitmentphobes do. They know they hurt their partners (and yes, women can be commitmentphobes, too. It's stereotypically, but not exclusively, men), and they keep doing the same thing time after time. They keep finding new partners, jumping from one intense relationship to the next, leading each new wo/man into believing they are in love and intimate and special. Then they turn from loving to callous overnight, leaving yet another broken heart in their wake.

This is not okay.

A relationship with a commitmentphobe is both so deeply profound and transcendently loving on one side, and completely crazy-making on the other. They always keep their partners off-balance. As soon as their partner gets comfortable in the relationship, their phobia makes them create drama. Because a happy relationship means commitment. It means that they might not have a way out.

If his fear is strong enough, this man will ultimately sabotage, destroy, or run away from any solid, good relationship. He wants love, but he is terrified–genuinely phobic–about commitment...

As I read through these books, I was appalled by story after story of (mostly) men doing the same things my ex did, some to much more horrifying degrees. One woman said, "I was overwhelmed by the level of emotional intimacy he gave and expected. And I liked it–it made me feel safe and secure."

Yep.

I think the most horrifying part of the book is when I read the section called "Meaningless Tears."

At the very beginning–on the first or second date. [for me it was the 6th date, three weeks in]

And amazing number of women have told me that these men are apt to have tears come to their eyes early in the relationship. This usually happens when he is telling the woman some "sensitive" tale about his life or displaying his emotions on some subject…The message that is conveyed to the woman is: I trust you with my feelings, and I want you to trust me. She usually does.

I did.

That's also the night he first said he loved me through those tear-filled blue eyes.

Hook. Line. Sinker.

Woman after woman. Story after story. They all "spoke to the same issue: an abandonment and betrayal of trust that had taken place in a relationship in which they had been encouraged, by the man, to expect tender intimacy."

These men pursued. Convinced. Wooed. Loved.

Turned on a dime.

Then left.

Every man interviewed said basically the same thing, too. They all knew they do this to women. They know their patterns. They know they send mixed messages. They know that there will come a point where they will have a total Jeckle/Hyde transformation and turn from a loving, attentive, compassionate man to a cruel, heartless, arrogant asshole. They know they will break her heart. They may feel guilty, but they refuse to take responsibility for the harm they've caused. Then they jump into another relationship to relieve their guilt, believing that THIS time will be different. Always looking for some perfect fit that doesn't exist because when the anxiety sets in, the smallest flaw can be an excuse to leave.

And they do it again. And again. And again.

These wo/men are manipulative and emotionally abusive. The damage they cause is very deep. They toy with their partner's emotions, always giving mixed signals:

No matter how much these men and women claim to want easy, uncomplicated love relationship, on some level they are always creating conflict. These men and women will usually be giving their partners a wide variety of intense messages that can best be described as mixed or double. For example:

Very seductive/very rejective
Very intimate/very withdrawn
Very accepting/very critical
Very tender/very hostile
Very romantic/very distant
Very sexually provocative/very sexually withholding
Very giving/very cold

…Your touch says yes while your words say no; your body says stay away while your eyes say you care; your tears say you're sorry, but your behavior doesn't change; your smile says you're happy, but your posture says you're scared. There are always two messages; there is always a contradiction. (He's Scared, She's Scared)

They are so deeply conflicted and severely terrified, so desperately wanted love and intimacy on the one hand and their pathological fears stopping them from keeping it on the other. They feel claustrophobic, as if their very life is being threatened. It's tragic and so very sad.

Perhaps even more sad are the partners and string of broken hearts left in their wakes. These wo/men who have so cruelly been cast aside out of the blue generally blame themselves. But it's not their fault.

But, as I've said before, my sympathy ends when your issues hurt other people. Especially when you KNOW your issues hurt other people. Get help. Stop dating until you can stop hurting others.

You know your pattern.

Get help.

Stop hurting people.

"Love and fear cannot exist in the same space" ~Unknown

-_Q

More research:

Signs of a commitmentphobe
Symptoms of a commitmentphobe
The commitmentphobe
Overcoming commitmentphobia
Overcome Commitmnetphobia: Guided Self-Hypnosis


Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: amazon, anxiety, author, book, broken heart, commitmentphobe, commitmentphobia, fear, he's scared, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, julia sokol, love, LTR, men who can't love, mental illness, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, phobia, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered, she's scared, steven carter

Oh, That’s Right…

Without pressure.

Without expectation.

I breathe.

Anxiety left

When you did.

Imagine that.

Still, sometimes…

Memories rape my mind.

Lips. Eyes. Tongue. Cock.

Hand in hand, walking.

Biking through Town Lake.

Hiking on the Greenbelt.

Basking in transcendent love.

Together.

Then over.

Without explanation

Or warning

Or kindness

Questions pummel.

Inconsistency.

Your anxiety triggers mine.

How could you?

Oh, that’s right…

It’s not your responsibility.

You loved, you said.

You adored, you said.

Attached, you said.

Future, you said.

You lied.

How could you?

Oh, that’s right…

It’s not your responsibility.

Then without pressure.

Without expectation.

I breathe.

Embracing the Now.

This moment.

Without expectation.

Each moment.

Without you.

I smile.

I survive.

I rebuild my life.

You know, the one you shattered

With your vacillation,

With your fear,

With your arrogance,

With your callousness.

How could you?

Oh, that’s right…

It’s not your responsibility.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Short Fiction & Poetry Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, poetry, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, shattered

Oh, That's Right…

Without pressure.

Without expectation.

I breathe.

Anxiety left

When you did.

Imagine that.

Still, sometimes…

Memories rape my mind.

Lips. Eyes. Tongue. Cock.

Hand in hand, walking.

Biking through Town Lake.

Hiking on the Greenbelt.

Basking in transcendent love.

Together.

Then over.

Without explanation

Or warning

Or kindness

Questions pummel.

Inconsistency.

Your anxiety triggers mine.

How could you?

Oh, that's right…

It's not your responsibility.

You loved, you said.

You adored, you said.

Attached, you said.

Future, you said.

You lied.

How could you?

Oh, that's right…

It's not your responsibility.

Then without pressure.

Without expectation.

I breathe.

Embracing the Now.

This moment.

Without expectation.

Each moment.

Without you.

I smile.

I survive.

I rebuild my life.

You know, the one you shattered

With your vacillation,

With your fear,

With your arrogance,

With your callousness.

How could you?

Oh, that's right…

It's not your responsibility.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Short Fiction & Poetry Tagged: author, broken heart, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, poetry, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, shattered

Evolve, Damn It!

The most conscious, most loving, and most honest relationships don't end, they evolve.

EVOLUTION: A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form.

Emphasis on the word gradual.

As far as I'm concerned, this is by far the best way for a loving relationship to end because, well, it doesn't. It evolves. Gradually over time, a relationship may evolve from a loving and passionate, sexual relationship to a loving, deep life-long friendship.

The love doesn't die, it evolves.

If this relationship is an open one, that is a type of non-monagamous relationship like a polyamorous one, other people may come into your or your beloved's life, bringing new passion and love along with them to the benefit and enrichment of all concerned. When they do, they do so and deepen the love and connection between your and your beloved. Loving together, you love others. Loving together, you love more. It's not about finding something better. It's about opening your heart to more love, different experiences.

Unfortunately, this happens all too rarely. I've had it happen once in my life, with my ex-fiance in a monogamous relationship, but even that ended more than could have. It was not as painful, though, because it ended with love and respect after some evolution had taken place. Afterward, we stayed in touch, and we're still friends nearly 20 years later.

In true polyamorous relationships, where all parties are open, honest, take responsibility for themselves and their actions, actively pursue their own self-awareness and self-growth, and aren't afraid to examine their own insecurities and fears as well as be present and in a place of support while their partner examines and works through their own, relationships will have the presence and compassion and support to evolve.

Allow me to define what I mean by "true polyamorous relationships."

Polyamory, as I've discussed at length in previous posts, has no hard and fast rules. Each polyamorous or non-monogamous relationship truly must make their own rules and agree upon definitions to words (like jealousy, serious, relationship, sex, etc.) that work for the couple in question. That goes for the details of specific polyamorous relationships. All relationship structures depend on honesty and openness for real intimacy & success, but Polyamory, as opposed to other forms of non-monogamy like swinging or just the nondescript "open" relationship, relies on a heavy level of commitment. "Commitment to honesty, to sexual safety, to facing one's own insecurities, to making difficult sacrifices when necessary, to the difficulty of standing up for oneself when necessary, and a willingness to be with a partner through some very strong emotions." (Source)

Unfortunately for those of us who are looking for a real relationship in polyamorous circles, those who have an innate fear of commitment and intimacy have a tendency to think that their lack of responsibility and inability to commit makes them "polyamorous."

It doesn't.

It makes them dangerous to the hearts and souls of loving, giving, honest people.

Too often, I've learned, that players consider themselves "polyamorous," thinking they can have lots of NSA sex. Commitmentphobes consider themselves polyamorous, thinking that if they just date married women they never have to take responsibility for their own actions, for the heart of their partner, and avoid "drama" and hurt feelings, because, well, that's what their husband's are there for.

Um. No.

Next week, I'm going to explore commitmentphobia in another post, but let me just say this: it is a psychological illness, like any other phobia. If you find yourself in love with a commitmentphobe, they must acknowledge the issue and commit to working on it, usually with the help of a therapist. If they do that, then with some patience, understanding, and a lot of love, you can make a relationship work. However, if they are content with just going from breaking one heart to breaking the next, then get out and get away for your own safety.

I have absolutely no respect for players, on the other hand. These are wo/men who knowingly and consciously "play" their partners, making them believe there is really intimacy and connection when it's just part of their manipulative game.

There is nothing fun about hurting people.

As I've said before, and I'm obviously much better at saying it than doing it, trust takes time to build.

Words + Supporting Action + Reliability Over Time = TRUST.

I had a counselor once tell me that it takes at least three months for a person to show their true colors, sometimes longer.

Last week, I came across a wonderful blog on Getting Past Your Breakup. Among the several great articles therein, one called "Benefit of the Doubt" caught my eye. It's an excellent post. Please read that and others on that blog if you are going through a breakup. Some very helpful information there. This entire blog is in support of the book by the same name. Great book, too. Go buy it.

Hmmmm. A book on surviving a broken heart. I'm an author. I've certainly have experience doing it…

Maybe so!

I totally digressed away from the topic at hand! Imagine that!

So, in your relationship(s), examine yourself often. Be honest with yourself and then be honest with your significant other. Openly discuss your fears and hopes and dreams. Openly discuss your insecurities and love and desires. Openly discuss everything. Have fun. Go out and play. Stay in and play.

When doubts or questions come up, discuss them with your partner. Don't vacillate in your own head for days or weeks or months or (god forbid) years on a decision without sharing these thoughts with your partner. You are PARTNERS in this. You've chosen to share your lives together, no matter how long you've been together. Give them the respect of being part of the decision-making process. Don't let a change come out of nowhere in their eyes because you didn't have the courage or respect to discuss it with them.

Allow your love to grow and evolve into whatever it will become. As long as you're coming from a place of love and understanding and compassion, hurt feelings and misunderstandings, part of any relationship, will be minimized. As you move along in love together, you will learn how to best manage these and other types of pain and fears together.

You are a team. Love deeply together.

Namaste.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, breakup, broken heart, evolution, fear, grief, healing, heartbreak, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, LTR, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex

Steampunk Spotlight: Florida Steampunk Exhibition East

If you've ever dreamed of a world where airships ruled the skies, pocket watches and top hats were proper adventuring attire for both men and women, and steam power inspired technological advances beyond imagination, you're in for a treat.

The Florida Steampunk Society has made that world a reality.

Join us in Daytona Beach, Florida on April 13-15 for Florida's first Steampunk convention!

• At Friday night's Admiral's Feast, guests will dine in splendor with a three-course, sit-down meal with a gnosh and dessert buffet. Afterwards, they'll dance the night away at our Masquerade Ball.

• Magicians, comedians, and steampunk ruffians will be wandering the halls of the Daytona Beach Resort providing endless entertainment

• O.M. Grey, our resident steampunk literary master, will host a High Tea and book reading to help guests delve into the realm of neovictorian literature.

• Performances by Abney Park, The Cog is Dead and the Bawdey Boys will showcase different musical stylings in the retrofuturistic world of Steampunk and the Cupcake Burlesque will blow you away with steamy and PG entertainment.

Fear not, we'll have panel sessions by Penny Dreadful Productions and Airship Isabella for the DIY-minded. For last-minute costuming needs, collectors, and Steampunk shopaholics, the Grand Bazaar will be open all three years.

Purchase your tickets now, before they go up in price, at www.floridasteampunksociety.com. Check out the schedule of events, performer and guest bios, and details on how to book your hotel room.

For any questions or concerns, please contact the Director of Communications, Daylina Miller, at tampasteampunk@yahoo.com or (813) 500-8754.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: abney park, author, author visit, book, convention, cosplay, florida steampunk exhibition east, florida steampunk society, music, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, steampunk