O.M. Grey's Blog, page 17

How I Became A Rape Victim

*Trigger Warnings*

Below are excerpts from an amazing post entitled “How I Became A Rape Victim.” My dear friend Nathaniel, aka Seamus from Airship Isabella, linked me to this post via my Facebook profile. He was supporting me and helping me educate a misogynist who didn’t know he was one.

I’ve been thinking about this recently, because rape has been in the news so much.  Ched Evans, the twitter hate campaign against his victim, the I Believe Her campaign in response, the girls in Oldham who were groomed and raped… and the discussion about why they became rape victims, what it was about them which enabled a bunch of misogynist predators to exploit them so viciously with so little awareness of their humanity. What was shocking to me was that anyone was bothering to discuss what it was about the girls that made them rape victims, re-inforcing the notion that rape only happens to certain sorts of women.  It’s a very strong idea in our culture and one which keeps rape victims in denial about their experience and ensures that they don’t face up to what happened to them for weeks, months or years in some cases, because their image of themselves, doesn’t fit in with the image they’ve been fed, of a rape victim.  So I want to talk through the step-by-step process of how a woman can be set up to become a rape victim and how that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the man who decides to rape her.

I was eighteen years and four months old, so officially already an adult woman…

Early on in the evening, I was talking to a friend when a boy came up to me and kissed me. I say boy, I suppose I mean man, but I still thought of male peers as boys. (He was 19 by the way.)  Without warning, without comment, he just grabbed me, held me close around him so I couldn’t move and thrust his tongue into my mouth and kissed me.

I found this repulsive and startling, yet Bohemian, exciting and off the wall.  I had no idea who this guy was, had never seen him before in my life, knew immediately that I didn’t fancy him, but it didn’t even cross my mind to question his right to simply overstep any normal boundaries.  It was a party.  Men were supposed to behave like that, as far as I knew. It would have been uptight, prudish, strait-laced, to object. No-one had told me that only rapey men behave like that, normal men who fancy you but don’t have a sense of entitlement, don’t just grab you in that way. I ran off giggling with my friend, who was slightly perturbed by his behaviour and with hindsight, probably by my reaction…

It took me years to realise that that kiss, had been a set-up: that the reason he had targeted me in that way, was to ensure that later on, if I complained about being raped, he could point to that and have lots of witnesses saying that we’d been seen kissing earlier on at the party. That way, he could be absolutely sure that he’d get away with it, because as everyone knows, once a woman kisses a man, he then has the right to penetrate her body whether she wants him to or not…

Without really knowing how it happened, I realised we were somehow falling behind the rest of the group.  At first it didn’t worry me.  They were in sight, it’s just that we were far behind them now.  At one point I said something about it and tried to catch up with them, but he pulled me back.  It was at that point that I suppose the victim-blamers will say that I should have screamed, shouted, cried for help.  Because it was at that point I should have realised he was planning to rape me.  But I didn’t. Because I was also taught, that to assume that a man is a rapist just because he’s stopping you doing something you are showing clearly that you want to do, is hysterical, man-hating, hairy-pitted feminism which is a Bad Thing.  And so once again, his boundary-breaking behaviour, didn’t really bother or alarm me as I didn’t perceive it as boundary-breaking, I perceived it as normal.  Women’s boundaries are constantly being broken by men and we are told all the time, that if we make a fuss about it, we are unreasonable, unfriendly, rude, hysterical, difficult, confrontational – all negatives, all things we should strive not to be…

efore I’d even noticed it, he was pulling me down the alley, laughing conspiratorially as if this was my idea too, drawing me into his “naughtiness”.  Even then, I didn’t feel threatened.  Even then, I didn’t expect this man to rape me.  Why would I?  He was someone’s brother, not a rapist in a dark alley… oops.

Right up until the moment he actually pulled my knickers down and I felt his penis, I genuinely had no idea he would actually rape me.  Even as he entered my body, my main emotion was utter incredulity.  I simply couldn’t believe this was happening.  This repulsive man had somehow separated me from my friends, dragged me down an alley and was raping me…

All the way home, I thought about whether I’d been raped or not and like many rape victims, convinced myself I hadn’t been.  I felt like I had, but I told myself what society would have told me – that I was wrong and unreasonable to feel that way, I hadn’t said no, or at least, if I had, I hadn’t said it strongly enough, aggressively enough, I hadn’t fought him off, I hadn’t resisted being pulled down the alley, I hadn’t resisted at all. Except that I had resisted, just not in a way that society defines resistance.  Society has allowed rapists to define what resistance is: screaming, crying, scratching, pushing, kicking, biting, punching.  I didn’t resist like that.  My resistance was to wriggle a bit, turn my head away when he tried to kiss me, try to stop his hand going into my bra and knickers, push him ineffectually, talk about wanting to get my cab; all things which normal men recognise as not being enthusiastic participation when they are engaging with women but pretend it’s a grey area when they talk about rape.  Rapists have managed to get society to believe, that what I did, was consent. Because I didn’t resist in the way rapists – and society – say that women should resist, they define our non-participation as consent. (More about why consent has been constructed to enable rapists to get away with rape here:http://herbsandhags.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/whats-wrong-with-consent.html)

And, perhaps, the most horrific part of her post:

When it comes to rape, not much has changed for women in nearly three decades.  I guess all I can do for her, is to raise her to expect her boundaries to be respected, to make her aware of how common rape is and to let her know that if she does get raped, it won’t be because of anything she says or does or wears, it will be purely and simply because she has the bad luck to meet a rapist.  And for all the other girls and women out there, all I can do is speak out about my own experience and raise my son to know that if he is not sure a girl or woman wants him to carry on doing whatever it is he’s doing, then he needs to ask her and respect her answer, because if he doesn’t, then he may be a rapist.  Because rapists aren’t usually scarey men in dark alleys, they’re someone’s son, brother, father, uncle, cousin, friend, colleague. Somewhere out there, the man who raped me is probably raising a family and living a normal life, like most other rapists.  And he’s probably still pretending that he’s not a rapist and society is still supporting him in that.

I know that society is still supporting my rapist’s “right” to live a normal life, hurting, abusing, and manipulating others without them even knowing that’s what’s happening to them. I only hope, that when he rapes them, they report him like I did. Maybe, just maybe, one day the cops will listen and won’t minimize what he, and so many other men (1 in 16) are doing to women. Are forcing on women. Perhaps one day we’ll see the Dallas Police Department take rape seriously, instead of translating a violent, oral rape into: “she remembers at one point giving oral sex to the susp.”

And, yes, they sure fucking did. The rest of the report was just as insulting and typical of rape culture. Still, I’m not done fighting. Not by a long shot.

I’ll never be silent again.

Although the excerpts were long, there is much more to her story, and you truly should read every word of it. Please visit Herbs and Hags to read this post in it’s entirety as well as the rest of her amazing blog.

Peace.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin poly community, austin poly rapist, author, healing, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, rape, rape apologist, rape culture, rape survivor, rapist

Steampunk Spotlight: O. M. Grey 2012 Blog Tour

Hello friends!

Please join me next week, November 25-December 1, 2012 for the first blog tour I’ve had since early 2010!

GASP!

I’ll post the whole schedule on opening day, Sunday, November 25th, right here. There will be guest posts and podcasts and contests, giving away author-signed books, handmade VooDoo Dolls, eBooks, and perhaps even a Vampire Slayer Kit or Peanut-Shooting Crossbow!

There might even be an adorable handmade amigurumi baby Cthulhu…just maybe!

All for just following along.

I’ll be featuring The Zombies of Mesmer, but keep an eye out for poetry and good ol’ Avalon Revisited to make an appearance as well.

For the rest of this week, I’m working on guest posts and content for the blog tour, so if you have a topic you’d like to see me write about, now is the time to tell me!

-_Q

If you are a fan of YA Fantasy, my alter ego, Christine Rose, is also having a blog tour: December 9 -15. She’ll be featuring the 4th book of the Rowan of the Wood fantasy series, Power of the Zephyr. Join me in both places, under each persona, for double chances to win!

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, blog, blog tour, book, erotica, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, podcast, poetry, short story, steampunk, vampires, victorian, ya paranormal romance, zombies, zombies of mesmer

The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 3

Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.

The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.

Appropriate for teens.

The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 3.

Download: ZM_Podcast_CH3.mp3

Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).

Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Fiction Podcast

Including Avalon Revisited, short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, hyde park, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, sadism, sado-masochism, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer

The Power of Responsibility (Podcast)

Episode 46: The Power of Responsibility (Podcast).

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

To take responsibility for one’s own actions, to be able to say “I fucked up, and I’m sorry,” is very healing and compassionate. It speaks to a loving person with great self-awareness and courage to do so, and the result is more respect from your community and more love in your life.

Stand up. Be a man. Accept responsibility for your actions and show your strength of character by apologizing. Remember, you don’t have to be “wrong” to apologize. You don’t have to be “wrong” to admit that another person has been deeply hurt or traumatized. Acknowledgement and apology. So powerful, indeed.

The Power of Responsibility (Podcast)

Download: 46_PolyamoryBlog.mp3

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abuse, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, austin polyamorous community, austin sex positive, author, community, community responsibility, compersion, consent, deception, emotional abuse, enthusiastic, ethical non monogamy, fear, healing, heart, heartbroken, help, honesty, insecurity, insidious, integrity, intimacy, jealous, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, poly, polyamory, power, rape, rape culture, rape survivor, relationship, relationships, respect, romance, romantic, self esteem, self-protection, sex, sex positive, sex positivity, sexual assault, survivor, trauma, traumatic, trust, tumblr, violence

Who’s to Blame?

Below is an analogy for Intimate Partner Violence, whether or not that violence contains rape and/or sexual assault. Think about it. Who is to blame? The victim or the abuser?

-_Q

Two couples, deeply in love, are walking down the street hand in hand. They are completely into each other. They make beautiful love every morning and every night. They are walking down two identical streets. Then, as they are lovingly looking into each other’s eyes beneath a street lamp after a loving kiss, the man pulls out a knife and stabs the woman in the heart while smiling and saying “I love you.”

Woman A is a black belt in karate. Her body is trained to react, but he was so close to her and she loved him so much, that she’s not quite fast enough to stop the blade, only deflect it slightly. The force of his betrayal was so great that the knife penetrates the thick armor she wears for extra protection and the tip enters her skin before she can stop it, disarm him, and take him down. She’s injured and betrayed, but the wound will heal soon enough.

Woman B has never had martial arts training. She is not wearing armor, but rather a sweater given to her by her beloved. The knife pierces the sweater easily but misses her heart just enough for it to not be fatal. She falls to the ground bleeding profusely. While she’s down, the man stabs her again in the back, severing her spinal cord which paralyzes her from the waist down before kicking her hard in the stomach, causing her to cough up blood. Then he walks away, laughing. She’s crying on the sidewalk in a pool of her own blood, watching him leave with a skip in his step, never looking back. About half a block later, he meets another woman, and Woman B watches while he kisses this new woman tenderly, looking lovingly at her.

-_Q

Who’s fault is Woman B’s near-fatal injuries? Betrayal? Who’s fault is it that she will never walk again? Who’d fault is it that she will never have sex again? Never trust again? Is it the woman’s for not knowing enough self-defence? For not wearing armor? For not being self-protective enough? Or is it the man who turned on a dime and stabbed her? Who “moved on” with someone new while she was left bleeding, alone and betrayed?

This is what we do to rape victims, and even victims of players and emotional predators, every day. We blame them for not protecting themselves better. We blame them for being on the street in a sweater, instead of in armor. We blame the victim.

There is only one person at fault here in scenario A and B and that’s the monster who stabbed his partner. It’s easier to see when it’s physical violence, but the damage is often as deep and as profound when they are emotional wounds, when the person lacks emotional armor or was never taught how to protect herself against such cruelty.

Moreso because these kinds of wounds can’t be seen.

Moreso because the victims often don’t have community support because there are no visible wounds. Even when it’s rape.

Self-defense can minimize the damage done, both physically and emotionally, but the fault lies solely with the predator, sexual or emotional or both. Period.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin burner community, austin ecstatic dance, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, burning flipside, burning flipside flipizen, intimate partner violence, ipv, o.m. grey, olivia grey, poly, polyamory, rape, rape culture, sexual assault, victim, victim-blaming, violence

Steampunk Spotlight: Gearhearts IndieGoGo

Today’s spotlight shines on Gearhearts Steampunk Glamour Revue and their IndieGoGo campaign. Below is a guest post by editor Patricia Ash.

-_Q

What’s Gearhearts?

We’re a Steampunk pinup magazine. A lavish Steampunk extravaganza. Gorgeous Steampunk models in intricate, neo-Victorian garb; reviews, interviews, artistic expressions, and even some prose thrown in for good measure. We’ve gotten to feature bestselling authors, renowned artists, and Steampunks from around the world.

If you haven’t picked up Issue Three, you need to. It features gorgeous pictures of and a scintillating interview with our favorite authoress, and one of the best short stories ever to appear in Gearhearts. Yes, this is her blog and I’m thrilled to write for it. Why do you ask?

Why the Indigogo?

We, the staff of Gearhearts, are fairly broke. We have mundane, underpaid day jobs if we’re lucky. It breaks our hearts that we are not able to pay our photographers and artists what they truly deserve. It saddens us that we cannot afford a web designer to bring you a glamorous website. It grieves us that we cannot get ourselves to the great Steampunk conventions of America. Thus the Indigogo. We are already working on a website that will feature exclusive pictorals and prose. We are designing and developing merchandise so we can fuel our convention attendance. We shall court photographers and artists to grace future issues of the magazine. The Indigogo is stoking the boilers of our progress. Please toss in a bit of coal (and by coal, I mean money).

Now, why on Earth should you help us?

Kismet. We have been so lucky in finding a gifted creative team willing to pitch in to give our fans cool things for helping us out. A phenomenal graphic designer is putting together everything from mini-buttons to shot glasses. Our gracious models will sign posters and postcards for our contributors. We plan to send hand-written thank you notes. Our web designer has created a special page to thank every one of our donors. One of the incredible artists we’ve met through producing this magazine has even donated prints of her work! One of our writers will write you (or a persona of your choosing) into a story with the serial adventuress Lucky K. Holliday. Everything in our worlds has come together to make this Indigogo project possible, which means the time to expand is NOW. The time to help is NOW. The time for Steampunk is NOW.

Every cent you give is a cent toward filling your life with the glamour and romance of Steampunk.

Patricia Ash is the Associate Editor and Staff Writer of Gearhearts Steampunk Glamor Revue. She loves words, yarn, Steampunk, and cats. Follow her misadventures at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Patricia-Ash.

-_Q

Be sure to order your copy of Issue 3, featuring ME on the Antarctic Press site, and do donate to their IndieGoGo campaign. To sweeten the pot, if you pledge at the $500 level “Aren’t You Lucky?” or the $1000 level, I will write a short story starring YOU! You can choose whether to be the protagonist or antagonist, erotic or adventure or both!

However, you need not pledge that much to help and get some really great goodies! Check it out now! Tell your friends! Pledge today and keep the elegance and glamour of Steampunk alive.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, book, cosplay, gearhearts, glamour, guy brownlee, indiegogo, kickstarter, o.m. grey, olivia grey, patricia ash, short story, steampunk, victorian

The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 2

Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.

The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.

Appropriate for teens.

The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 2.

Download: ZM_Podcast_CH2.mp3

Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).

Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Fiction Podcast

Including Avalon Revisited, short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

P.S. Today is my birthday! Happy Birthday to me!!!

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, hyde park, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, sadism, sado-masochism, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer

A Fate Worse Than Death… (Podcast)

Episode 45: A Fate Worse Than Death… (Podcast).

**Trigger Warnings** This podcast discusses sexual assault and rape.

It is often described as a “fate worse than death,” and, it is. In many ways. This podcast mostly focuses on what is known as “the rape culture,” what that means, and how very prevalent it is.

Thank you for listening.

A Fate Worse Than Death… (Podcast)

Download: 45_PolyamoryBlog.mp3

Original Blog Post

-_Q

Subscribe to this podcast in a reader …or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abuse, austin poly community, austin poly rapist, austin polyamorous community, austin sex positive, author, compersion, consent, deception, emotional abuse, enthusiastic, ethical non monogamy, fear, healing, heart, heartbroken, help, honesty, insecurity, insidious, integrity, intimacy, jealous, lie, lies, love, LTR, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, poly, polyamory, power, rape, rape culture, rape survivor, relationship, relationships, respect, romance, romantic, self esteem, self-protection, sex, sex positive, sex positivity, sexual assault, survivor, trauma, traumatic, trust, tumblr, violence

Successful Polyamory, or Poly vs. Amory

[image error]As requested, below is the revised, non-rant, moderate profanity version of Poly vs. Amory.

-_Q

Here’s the thing.

I’ve learned so much in the past two years. I’ve learned some harsh realities, and I’ve learned some painful truths about human nature. My theory on how to build a successful, committed, loving relationship has also been confirmed, mostly because how very many people I see who are miserably failing at doing just that.

I’ve been happily married for twelve years. My husband and I have been through some very difficult and traumatic times over the past few years, especially this past year since the betrayal and rape by a deeply trusted lover, and we are only stronger and more in love because of it.

I know how to establish and maintain a loving, open, honest, and committed romantic relationship. So does he. Turns out, that is very, very rare indeed.

As some fellow burners recently put it:

“there are a thousand or more ways to be loving with someone — sex is the easy part. It’s being creative enough to actively commit to being a loving person on a multitude of levels (cuddling, holding, listening, the exchange of inspiration and so on) that separates you from the norm.”

The word “polyamory,” and its derivatives, has lost all meaning. It has been said, ad nauseum, that if you ask three different poly people the definition of poly, you will get three different answers. And it’s true because relationships are as unique as the individuals in them. What works for one couple/triad/quad, may not work for another. Still, all the definitions, I had naively thought, were in the same ballpark of ethically establishing and maintaining multiple loving, committed relationships with honesty, openness, and integrity.

I was so very, very, very wrong.

Its most basic meaning is “many loves,” but even that is no longer accurate in many, many cases. One can find definitions of polyamory in many places, like Wikipedia, LoveMore.com, and even on DateHookUp.com, just to name a few. Although every definition I can find on polyamory emphasizes the honesty, openness, ethics, integrity, commitment, and love, my experience is that the bulk of people who identify as polyamorous are not practicing these basic principals.

The word polyamory has come to mean any type of non-monogamy, ethical or not, as I’ve learned, and this deeply saddens me. If a word has too many meanings, then it has no meaning at all. A rose by another other name may smell as sweet, but when I say the word “rose,” you know the type of flower I’m talking about. If I say “rose” and I mean “steaming pile of dog shit,” that rose doesn’t smell as sweet, because it’s not really a rose. It’s a steaming pile of dog shit. You can throw up gorilla dust, beat your manly chest, spout spiritual-sounding words about radical inclusion, and demand that it is a rose and “your truth,” but the reality is that it’s still a steaming pile of dog shit. Even if you call it a rose.

Language is a highly ineffective way to communicate ideas, thoughts, and emotions, but it is the best method we have most of the time. If our words lose meaning by having too many definitions, how can we effectively communicate things that are as important as love, honestly, and integrity? How can we share our heart and soul, body and mind with another human being if when I say “deep intimacy,” I mean deep intimacy, but when he says “deep intimacy” he means lots-of-orgasms-until-I-tire-of-you-and-want-something-new? When I say “love” I mean love, and when he says “love” he means I’ll-fuck-you-until-something-more-perfect-and-less-scary-comes-along? When I say “polyamory” I mean deeply committed, open and honest, loving relationships, and when he says “poly” he means building a harem where he can fuck multiple women without responsibility or emotional investment.

So, I’m reclaiming the word polyamory, at least for the purposes of this article.

Polyamory is the pursuit and maintenance of multiple loving, open, honest, and committed romantic relationships between highly ethical people who focus on integrity, honesty, communication, emotional investment, compassion, understanding, patience, mutual respect, and love.

Love Breeds Love

Desire Breeds Desire.

My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years, roughly half of our marriage. However, I’ve learned that not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as we do…well, as those people who are actually and successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.

Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really focused on quantity rather than quality. Hmmm…I CAN have more than one girlfriend/lover/SO…so I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see, I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!

Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months.

HELLO! NOT POLYAMORY.

That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ending.

Or, the other kind of people I’ve found are players, predators, sex addicts, or people who have such “taboo kinks,” they have slipped past “kinks” into sexual perversions, like incest and animals. I’ve written more about this in a post called Positively Sex Positive.

Mostly, though, I’ve met players and boys masquerading as men, and some monsters masquerading as humans. The polyamorous community attracts the predators because we’re a group of open, honest, trusting women who like sex (and are open about that). It’s a feeding frenzy for parasites, narcissists, psychopaths, and other such predators. This is similar to what happened during the “free love” movement of the sixties. It was beautiful, at the beginning, and then the predators took over. The same thing is happening in polyamory, and they will win (I’d argue they already have) if we don’t act like true communities and keep them out.

I had been naive to think that someone calling themselves polyamorous was really interested in multiple, open and honest, loving, committed relationships. That they were, at the very least, honest. Yes, very naive indeed.

Turns out, that there are just as many, if not more, people who are jumping on the polyamory bandwagon in order to “play” around with multiple partners without ever taking responsibility. Some people even coerce their spouse/partner into polyamory or threaten them with abandonment if they don’t “consent.”

Not okay. Not ethical. Not honest.

These people will say all the right, enlightened words, establish (read: feign) intimacy, and surf on the delicious New Relationship Energy (NRE) for a few months, but then they will cast their lover aside without a second thought because they’ve already found someone even newer and more exciting. These people are often incapable of commitment, which, as my husband once so wisely put it, is the reason they are not already in a committed relationship. Or, as many a broken-heart has relayed to me, people will use polyamory as a way to cheat on their spouses, having something “fun” on the side, but the person on the side doesn’t realize it because that poly person used all those lovely polyamorous words about honesty and intimacy and infinite love, etc.

Turns out, it was about getting laid, nothing more. It was about finding something easy, no responsibility, fun, casual, temporary. Unfortunately for many, this leads to the horrible devastation of not only being cast aside but realizing that you’ve been deceived by someone who trumpets the importance of honesty and integrity.

This is NOT POLYAMORY.

Commitment takes emotional investment and support. One might have to face some uncomfortable feelings from time to time and be responsible for their emotions, and, just as importantly, be responsible TO the relationship. Even when it’s not fun. Even when it brings up fears and insecurities. Even when it means you must sacrifice what you want to do in that moment for the good of the relationship or to further understanding.

The Austin Poly Community does have a few truly polyamorous families who are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully.

They are open. Honest. Respectful. Loving. Supportive.

They commit and invest in their relationships.

They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about MORE LOVE…not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that.

Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex or casual relationships. Nothing at all. Just be self-aware enough about what you want/what you can offer and honest (and courageous) enough to communicate that effectively. Always practice after-care with integrity and respect.

The most successful polyamorous relationships focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about LOVE! It’s all about LOVE! Real love, the kind that requires emotional investment and compromise and communication and compassion. Not the ooh-you-make-my-genitals-feel-good-and-are-so-much-fun-with-all-the-orgasms love. Real love. Real relationships.

Relationships take effort. Investment. Time and energy to solidify.

So, if you claim to be poly, think about this…

If you want to be poly, think about this…

Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.

When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one.

This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, btw, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.

Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncracies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts (HELLO AGAIN! ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP!). Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both sides. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other and the third entity between you: the relationship.

THEN — open up to dating others, and I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re both looking for. If it is, be very honest about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules, at least at the beginning, and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first. FOR ANOTHER YEAR!

Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous). Misunderstandings.

Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love while maintaining the first one. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so so so so many just don’t get it) HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE EFFORT, INVESTMENT, and RESPONSIBILITY!

After the second is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs, then look for a third. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone BETTER, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your poly family. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love FEELS loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.

It’s about MORE LOVE.

Always, more love.

If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – WHY DO YOU WANT ANOTHER? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels.

You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”

Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, YOU’RE NOT POLY!

If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly.

You’re selfish.

The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past year. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?

News flash: healthy, loving relationships are not easy.

If you find yourself looking for “easy,” you’re not poly and you’re not self-aware enough to even consider having a successful relationship, let alone relationships. If you find yourself saying “I don’t do drama,” again…not poly. Human relationships contain drama: emotions, insecurities, fears, communications. Talking about “drama” is a form of gaslighting. It shames people into keeping their feelings bottled up for fear of creating “drama,” when what they’re feeling is natural. A dislike or intolerance of “drama” is a huge red flag. It points to a person who is emotionally immature and likely emotionally unavailable. It points to a person who wants “easy” and is unwilling or unable to commit or invest in a relationship. Also, in my experience, those who are screaming “DRAMA!” are normally the ones causing most of it.

And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long way to go.

-_Q

(Disclaimers: I’m a heterosexual woman, so I’ve based this on my experience. Yes, I know that women also abuse and manipulate and lie. I know that men can be raped. I know that women rape. I know that women exploit men, too. If I were to clarify with each statement that it could refer to a man or woman, cis man/cis woman, gay or straight, same sex or mixed gender, he or she, then the meaning would get lost in the rhetoric. Please feel free to change pronouns to fit your situation and/or preferences. Again, language isn’t perfect and it’s generally not terribly effective, but until we master telepathy, it’s all we have. Please don’t batter me with pronoun/gender issues. I’m writing from my experience, so I use the pronouns to reflect that, but ultimately I’m talking about types of people, no matter what their gender or sexual preference.
I am well aware that some relationships don’t work out for various reasons. I’m not talking about those here. I’m talking about people who are habitual users and abusers who hide behind “poly.” I’m talking about people who are incapable of commitment, and they know it, but aren’t honest enough to own that and break heart after heart. Again, being hurt and disappointed after the end of a relationship is normal and acceptable, being destroyed, devastated, and shattered after the end of a relationship because of abuse and/or cruel treatment is not acceptable. It’s not necessary, and it’s usually due to selfish people not taking the time to care for their loved ones, people who rush off to the next NRE fix, leaving their former lovers feeling used and discarded. No excuse for that. Ever.
Also, I speak of the Austin Poly Community because that is the community, and I use that word very loosely, that I have the most experience with. I have seen some similarities and (happily) some great differences in the San Francisco community thus far; however, I’m still not at a place in my healing to get very involved in any romantic or sexual relationship, or even be around people talking about those things. I’ve heard from friends I’ve made here that some of these same issues are prevalent in San Francisco. I’ve read countless accounts of rape and sexual assault in other “sex-positive” communities across the nation, so I’m guessing that Austin is not unique in these issues, although I do have it on good authority from a very well-connected sex-positive speaker and teacher that Austin in particular has serious blinders up around the issues of sexual assault and rape, moreso than other communities, to the point they refuse to even discuss the possibility or address known issues within their community. This is very much my experience with that group. The number of people who are casually dating and calling themselves “poly” are also prevalent in that Austin group. So many looking for that “perfect” love. It’s dehumanizing and cruel and delusional.)

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: austin poly community, austin poly rapist, austin polyamorous community, austin polyamory, author, bdsm, broken heart, commitment, commitmentphobia, communication, community, community responsibility, fear, genital herpes, grief, healing, heartbroken, herpes, honesty, hook up, infidelity, intimacy, love, miscommunication, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, rape, rape survivor, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, sex positive, sexual assault, sexual predator, sexually transmitted disease, sexually transmitted infection, shattered, std, sti

The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 1

Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.

The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.

Appropriate for teens.

The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 1

Download: ZM_Podcast_Ch1.mp3

Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).

Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Fiction Podcast

Including Avalon Revisited, short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, hyde park, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, sadism, sado-masochism, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer