O.M. Grey's Blog, page 35

Choices After Indiscretion (Podcast)

Episode 25: Choices After Indiscretion.

You cheated. Now what?

Your choices before an indiscretion are infinitely better than afterward, but you do still have choices if you've cheated on your partner, just not good ones. Find out what your options are now that you've deceived your spouse or SO, and most importantly, don't betray them again. Find the courage and take the steps necessary to find the integrity to be a good, honest person.

Choices After Indiscretion (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abandonment, author, broken heart, fear, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

A Birthday Treat for OMGrey!

Throughout each week I get several emails as well as comments on my blog posts from readers who enjoy my writing or podcasts. Some write in to tell me how much better their relationship is partially in thanks to my blog. Others tell me how they've opened up and are more intimate with their partner than ever. Then there are the readers who empathize with the sadder posts, and they feel better if only because they are not alone.

Saturday, November 12th is my 42nd birthday, and this is what I want for my birthday this year…

If my writing or podcasts have ever touched you in some way, either profoundly like helped your sense of self or your relationship, if one of my poems tugged at your heart strings, or one of my short stories entertained you during your lunch break, please consider showing your gratitude with a pledge to my Kickstarter Project. It doesn't have to be much. The rewards start at $10, but ever single $1.00 helps. You cannot possibly pledge too little. Wish me a Happy Birthday by supporting my work with at least $1.00 pledge.

Here are some links to my free short stories. Please read them, and if you are entertained, please consider showing your appreciation by pledging at least $1.00. This is also the best way to wish me a Happy Birthday, and it's less than the cost of a birthday card.

"A Tall Order"
"Final Word"
"Of Æther & Æon"
"Dust on the Davenport" (Podcast. Written for the Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences's Tales from the Archive podcast anthology.)
"Twenty Minutes"  (*explicit*) Published in the July Issue of SNM Horror Magazine, 2nd Place
"Three's A Crowd"  (*explicit*)
"The Tragic Tale of Doctor Fausset" Published by Nevermet Press.

As I post this, there is only 70 hours remaining in my Kickstarter Project, and I am $700 short of reaching my goal. If I don't raise the entire $4000, I won't get a dime. Not one single dime.

Please pledge at least $1 or consider increasing your pledge $1. Remember, the holiday season is coming up, and one of my books can be a great Christmas or Yuletide gift! Perhaps even buying someone a character in a short story — what better gift is there than immortality. At the very least, share with your social networks and leave a comment here telling me you've done so.

——> PLEDGE HERE (at least watch my sultry video)

Or, alternatively, you can always buy me some Godiva Dark Chocolates.

Thank you all for your wonderful support.

Filed under: Lost in the Aether Tagged: amazon, author, avalon, book, kickstarter, kindle, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, romance, short story, steampunk

Steampunk Spotlight: Steam Heat by Elizabeth Darvill

The following is a guest post by the lovely Elizabeth Darvill.

[image error]I've always had a love for anything dark and paranormal, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, you name it, I love it! So when I started writing, paranormal was a natural choice. In the last few years I've also become a huge lover of anything steampunk. So instead of giving up my paranormal roots to write steampunk, I just blended the genres.

With Steam Heat, I wanted to write a really sexy paranormal/steampunk erotic story that was filled with lots of action… both in and out of the bedroom. I however, didn't intend for it to be a ménage a trio's story. My sassy steamer engineer Jez just couldn't keep her hands off my heroin Angel and thus… all my main characters had to learn to share! I'm not complaining it made it a much sexier, fun story, but it just goes to prove, I have NO control over my characters! They are so very naughty and I love it!

Here is a little taste of what my naughty characters, Ian, Angel and Jez are getting into in Steam Heat:

In a world of speed steamers, poisoned air and soulless paranormal beings, two people hold the fate of millions in their hands—and their bodies….

As a half-succubus, Angel needs energy from sex to live. The temporary fulfillment she gets from strangers is nothing compared to the erotic encounters in her linked dreams with Ian, the man whose soul she shares. Lately the dreams have become more intense and intoxicating, which can mean only one thing: she and Ian are dying, just like the magical crystal that purifies the city's air. Only by making love in person and joining their split soul can they heal both themselves and the crystal.

Yet despite Ian's amazing sexual prowess, Angel doesn't want to give up her other lovers, like sassy steam engineer Jezebel. Can they resolve their differences and continue sharing a bed to save themselves—and the world?

A little about me: When I'm not painting my nails black or lacing up my corsets I love weaving all the dark and twisted paranormal facts I digs up into sexy, action packed stories.

I frequently travel around the country bringing tidings of corsets and goggles as I sell my books and spreads the good news of steampunk, one book at a time.

-_Q

Connect with Elizabeth Darvill online: blog * twitter * facebook

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, elizabeth darvill, liz darvill, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, romance, sex, short story, steam heat, steampunk

Fear of Abandonment Can Lead to Infidelity (Podcast)

Episode 24: Fear of Abandonment Can Lead to Infidelity.

We all fear abandonment, some of us fear it more deeply than others, but the thought of being alone can be very scary. And that fear can cause us to clam up, keep things inside because we're too scared of what will happen if we talk about our fears. But that is exactly what you must do with your spouse or SO. Open up. Communication. Share your lives, your fears, your dreams. Through this communication, anything is possible. This is how you build intimacy. This is how you build security, and this is how you ease those fears.

Fear of Abandonment Can Lead to Infidelity (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abandonment, author, broken heart, fear, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Fear of Abandonment Leads to Infidelity (Podcast)

Episode 24: Fear of Abandonment Leads to Infidelity.

We all fear abandonment, some of us fear it more deeply than others, but the thought of being alone can be very scary. And that fear can cause us to clam up, keep things inside because we're too scared of what will happen if we talk about our fears. But that is exactly what you must do with your spouse or SO. Open up. Communication. Share your lives, your fears, your dreams. Through this communication, anything is possible. This is how you build intimacy. This is how you build security, and this is how you ease those fears.

Fear of Abandonment Leads to Infidelity (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: abandonment, author, broken heart, fear, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Insidious Lies

[image error]"The most insidious lie is the one you want to hear." –Lois McMaster Bujold, Barrayar

No fricken kidding.

Over the past year, I've been blogging about serious emotional and relationship issues, and in doing so, I've met dozens of very interesting people. All of these people have things in common: fear, insecurity, confusion, and more fear. And then even more fear.

Unfortunately, as I've learned the hard way this past year, predators slither across this earth preying on good people's fear, insecurity, and confusion. They are often highly skilled manipulators and can hone in on exactly what their prey needs to hear the most. Lies and deception are the only language they speak, but they are such well-crafted and lovingly delivered lies, the person is blinded by charm.

Many predators know they are predators, others don't. I've actually spoken with a few men who are truly good men now, but they at one time were indeed predators. In trying to understand how some people can look into the eyes of another person and lie, telling him/her the very thing s/he needs to hear, I learned that that ability comes from a deep self-hatred. A hatred so deep, in fact, they often cannot look at themselves in the mirror without feeling ill. This saddens me, as I'm no stranger to self-loathing, but when that inner darkness is used to hurt another person, my empathy ends.

One former predator told me how he could look into the eyes of a woman and tell her exactly what she needed to hear, and he would mean every word of it in that moment, but the next morning, he could walk away and never look back. Never feel a thing. No remorse. No guilt. No loss. No nothing.

Another former predator told me of a social experiment he once did. He is deeply ashamed of the experiment now or even calling it that, but he said at the time, he wanted to see just how easy it would be to get exactly what he wanted with as little effort as possible. He zeroed in on his target, and he said it was too easy. You just had to "pick the right ones." When asking how he knew who was the "right one," he said, "a girl who was vulnerable and had low self-esteem." After a few pretty words and meaningful looks, he got his blow job. He never spoke to her again. Disgusted, I asked him how he could do that to another human being, and he said, "I hurt so bad inside that I didn't care about anything or anyone else."

Appalling, really.

But far too common. Why is it so easy?

Because these predators tell the most insidious of lies: the one their prey needs to hear the most.

"I've never met anyone like you."

"I feel like I can really open up to you."

"I've never felt like this before."

"You're beautiful."

"I could really fall for you."

"I won't hurt you."

Who wouldn't want to hear these things? And, of course, the person behind the words might very well be sincere.

How can you tell? Actions and time.

Words + Supporting Action + Reliability Over Time = TRUST.

I use these two examples of former predators to show that with some self-awareness, one can wake up to their predatory behavior and make different decisions. That is, of course, if they are truly good people who are just drowning in pain. There are other predators who are monsters through and through. They don't care about themselves (or they're just intensely selfish, or worse, psychopaths incapable of empathy or any real human emotion), and they certainly don't care that their behavior hurts other people. They sharpen their skills as they move from one victim to the next. I've talked with a therapist who counsels predators, and some of his clients have shown him with pride exactly what they do. These predators (especially the male ones) know to trigger a woman's nurturing nature, and they invoke sympathy. Think of the classic cliche "My wife just doesn't understand me," or "I haven't felt loved in years," or variations thereof. They excel at mimicking human emotion, often saying these things with tears in their eyes. One of the therapist's clients demonstrated how he could bring up tears by keeping a tack in his shoe.

Seriously?

So, yes, many predators know exactly what they are doing. They toy with their prey as a cat torments a mouse. But the kill is not so quick. Sometimes weeks or months go by, until the prey is quite deeply in love, and that's when they go in for the kill.

Their insidious lies destroy another heart, and they smile inside.

The only defense good people have against these predators is awareness of the prevalence, their technique, a healthy dose of cynicism, and time. A predator will show his true face in a few weeks, or at the most, months.

Take your time.

Protect yourself.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, broken heart, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, infidelity, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, shattered [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]

Steampunk Spotlight: Unwoman

Back in April at the Oklahoma City Steampunk Expo, I had the great pleasure of seeing Unwoman perform. She was absolutely captivating, and I'm thrilled that I will get to see her perform again this weekend at the Emerald City Steampunk Expo in Wichita, KS.

Her rendition of Wham's "Careless Whisper" is hauntingly beautiful and extremely moving. As I was passing by the main stage at OK Steampunk Expo, I heard this remarkable woman play. The mixture of her voice and the soothing sound of her cello stopped me, and I stood there captivated. As she sang "Careless Whisper," tears welled up in my eyes at the beauty of the moment. Truly a special performer.

Please check out her music and support this talented artist.

I truly hope that I get a chance to talk with Erica this weekend at Emerald City, perhaps we can share a drink and talk about girl things. That would be simply splendid.

From her website:

Unwoman (aka Erica Mulkey) is a San Francisco-based cellist-singer-composer-producer. She performs with her solo voice-cello act in the Bay Area, is frequently featured at major steampunk, science fiction, and goth events, plays cello with Stripmall Architecture, Abney Park, Eliza Rickman, Vernian Process and other acts, and has also toured the US with Voltaire in 2009 and Rasputina in 2006. In September 2011 she released Uncovered, a covers collection featuring songs by Joy Division, Madonna, Front 242, Michael Jackson, Nine Inch Nails, and Tori Amos.

Find more videos of this amazing woman on her YouTube Channel.

Connect with Unwoman: Facebook * Twitter

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, convention, erica mulkey, music, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk, unwoman [image error] [image error] [image error]

Protecting Your Heart (Podcast)

Episode 23: Protecting Your Heart.

Falling in love is intoxicating. There is no doubt. Our brains are full of those euphoric love chemicals and we feel full of life. And by all means, do fall in love, but just protect your heart for a few weeks at the very least, if not for a couple of months. Trust takes time to build. People often are not very honest at the beginning of relationships, putting their best foot forward and all. Be sure that their actions back up their words. Be sure they can be trusted with your heart. Be sure they are worth of your love because they have integrity and are honest. You are worth the wait. You are worth the effort, and if they don't think so, they are not worthy of you.

Protecting Your Heart (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

Filed under: Podcasts Tagged: author, broken heart, healing, honesty, infidelity, intimacy, love, misogyny, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, podcast, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationships, romance, sex, steampunk

Lucky, Lucky Poly People

[image error]A man I thought I once knew, while discussing the nature of my polyamorous marriage, said to me, "You lucky, lucky poly people."

News flash: Luck has nothing to do with it.

All too often when someone hears the word polyamory or open relationship, they conjure up images of a sexual free-for-all. Or they think that I'm just "lucky" my husband agreed, or perhaps my husband is "lucky" that I'm open to him having sex with someone else.

Luck has absolutely nothing to do with it.

My husband and I took well over a year to get from the suggestion of opening up to actually opening up, and that was starting with a very close, very emotionally intimate relationship to begin with. We talk pretty much daily: checking in with each other, expressing our love and gratitude for one another, openly discussing any issues or conflicts that arise, etc. That year consisted of many very deep, sometimes painful, discussions about who we are as individuals and who we are as a couple.

Once we finally did open up and establish our rules, it was further work. Just think how much work one relationship is…now add another. And maybe a third.

Any relationship worth having is not easy. It's work. It's effort towards understanding yourself and your partner better. It's selfless acts. It's compromise. It's hours of talking and figuring out what works and what doesn't. It's building true intimacy.

As I've said countless times, polyamory is generally not about casual sex. It's about building relationships, loving relationships. Although sex can be casual, that is negotiated and agreed upon beforehand. No assumptions.

Recently I entered into a new relationship with a potential secondary, and I was everso excited. A secondary, for those who don't know the term, is a satellite relationship second only to your primary. In my case, my primary is my husband. I met this new guy through the poly-friendly dating site called OKCupid, and he seemed pretty awesome all around. We met briefly and really clicked. Things moved quickly, probably too quickly, and our second date was so very awesome. He said he had found a secondary in me, and I thought I had found one in him, too. It was really great…until, a few days later, it wasn't.

And the reason it got so very un-great so very soon, is that he's not truly poly. He thinks he is, but he doesn't have the openness or communication skills to be truly polyamorous. He's very new to the lifestyle, so he's likely still learning. At least I hope he's learning. He seems to be confusing polyamory with swinging, which is definitely about casual sex. This man said all the right words, talking about openness and honesty, respect and communication, intimacy and safety; but he was unable to actually do any of those things.

As there so often is with communication via text and email, there was a seeming misunderstanding between us. Misunderstandings happen even in verbal communication, that's why good communications skills are so important…as well as giving the time it takes to fully understand one another. Another thing that is essential in polyamorous relationships: taking time to ensure understanding with your SO(s). This man did not take that time with me. It seems that he was setting up recurring casual sex, and that's not what a secondary is, and it's most certainly not what I do. Perhaps that's a misunderstanding too, and I truly do hope I get the chance to talk with him and clear these things up. Still, that's pretty unlikely.

A secondary is a loving relationship, and that term should not be thrown around lightly. Loving relationships take time and effort to build, to get to know each other, to understand each other, to support each other, and yes, there is also sex, but it is just a part of a larger relationship. Without open and honest communication, without time spent talking out of bed and reciprocity of affection, it is not a loving, poly relationship.

Things between us ended without even showing the respect of a face-to-face meeting and a discussion of what could be worked out. It was so new, he couldn't even begin to understand my needs, nor I his, without some serious communication. He did not seem willing. That does not at all fit with the polyamorous philosophy or lifestyle. Funny thing, I would still be willing to talk it out.

One of the problems I've seen in both myself and in potential secondaries are the expectations of immediate comfort and understanding. Since we already have a great primary relationship, we think that with a secondary, things will be great and comfortable and understood from the beginning. But starting a second relationship is starting a second relationship. It takes time and effort to know each other, our quirks, our triggers, our needs, etc. And relationships take time and effort.

Those of you who follow my blog know that I've had two heart-shattering break-ups this year. Just imagine as I struggled so much through those breakups that I could not help but to write about them in public, because the pain was all-consuming, what it must've been like at home. My husband, for the better part of the last year, has been unwaveringly supportive and loving. He has listened to my repetitive, unending questions about what when wrong, if it was my fault, how could I have been so stupid, etc. He's had to hold me for hours while I cried over another man. He's had to take up the slack at home, with both finances and housework, when I was suffering from crippling panic attacks.

Lucky?

Luck has fucking nothing to do with it.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships Tagged: author, communication, grief, healing, honesty, love, luck, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, poly, polyamory, postaweek2011, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, swingers, swinging, work [image error] [image error]

Steampunk Spotlight: The Extraordinary Contraptions

Today's Steampunk Spotlight shines on the sounds of The Extraordinary Contraptions. I had the great pleasure of hearing them play at the 2011 Steampunk World's Fair, and I hope to see them at another convention in 2012.

From their website bio:

A lawman, a time traveler, a gentleman explorer and a mad genius join forces… To alter the sound of steampunk as we know it! The Extraordinary Contraptions, Atlanta, Georgia's own steampunk rock band combines superb musicianship with visuals from a time that never was. The rock-and-roll aesthetic meets the steampunk DIY ethic to produce a unique sound and visual sensation. A little band from Terminus is coming to the rescue on a stage near you!

[image error]

Connect with this fine band on Facebook and please support them by listening to and buying their music on The Extraordinary Contraptions Bandcamp page.

Find their schedule and so much more on their website: The Extraordinary Contraptions

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, music, o.m. grey, olivia grey, postaweek2011, steampunk, steampunk worlds fair, the extraordinary contraptions, video, youtube [image error] [image error]