Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 36

Lifelong Love

My newly updated and re-released book, A Lifelong Love: Discovering How Intimacy with God Breathes Passion Into Your Marriage looks at marriage as a three-legged stool: spiritual intimacy, relational intimacy, and devotional intimacy. Many couples ignore the spiritual intimacy, some forget about building relational intimacy, and I haven’t heard many people at all talk about devotional intimacy (more on that in coming weeks).

This week I’m going to run the epilogue in full, as it captures the picture of a sweet marriage that fulfilled both parts of a lifelong love. It was certainly lifelong, and it was certainly love. Jim and Anne’s story is what I long to see many other couples come to know. Please let me introduce you to my friends Jim and Anne Pierson:

If you looked up “lifelong love” in a “sermon illustration dictionary,” you’d likely find Jim and Anne Pierson. This couple has been my Halley’s Comet for much of my adult life, passing by every few years. I met them in my twenties while working at Care Net; they ran their own ministry with a similar emphasis named Loving and Caring.  We’d see each other at conferences and conventions and catch up on each other’s lives and ministries. They saw my children grow up.

When I left Care Net in my thirties to focus on writing and speaking, I was still invited to the conferences, and Jim was a shelter to me. I’m an insecure introvert, called to an extrovert’s job, and Jim was a solid place of refuge between sessions. Anne was always such an encouraging presence; she believed in me. She spoke so passionately of how God was using me, in a way I had to believe her, even in the face of my insecurities. Having done what I had just started doing for over a decade, Anne was a wonderful role model.

Jim was a giant of a man; I’m guessing if the scale didn’t reach 350-400 pounds, it wouldn’t be of much use to him. His large girth carried an even larger heart, as he was dad, disciple, pastor, counselor, and mentor to so many people. Though he could be hilarious (I once saw him hold up a hotel-sized bath soap in front of his belly and ask an entire room, “So, they think this is going to be enough?”), Jim usually worked behind the scenes. Anne was the teacher, the speaker, the trainer. Jim ran their book table and kept Anne’s life on track.

There was one time Jim stole the spotlight, however. Before every one of Anne’s workshops, just after she was introduced, Jim would slip into the back of the room and belt out the Stevie Wonder tune, “Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she wonderful?”

The largely feminine audience ate this up, to see a husband affirm his wife so well.

Sadly, Jim had a long and difficult death. He contracted an unusual form of an aggressive cancer that, when diagnosed, doctors said would send him home to the Lord within a couple weeks. Jim hung on for seven months, but they weren’t easy months. They were often brutal months, though sprinkled with some incredible times of ministry. So many people had to cycle through his hospice room to say good-bye, Anne thinks he was holding on for their sakes.

The medical costs associated with his end-of-life care would have bankrupted Jim’s family, except for the fact that a wealthy businessman that Jim had led to the Lord showed up shortly after Jim’s diagnosis. Jim had discipled this man via telephone on a weekly basis for years.

“He made me a much better man, a much better father, a much better husband. I want to cover the costs of his care, Anne.”

“I don’t think you realize how much this is going to cost,” Anne protested.

“I don’t think you realize how much of an impact Jim has had on my life,” the man responded. “Please, let me do this for him.”

After Jim finally died, Anne went to her first conference with a heavy heart. Jim had always been there for her, and she had to brace herself to be introduced and to not hear Jim break out with his Stevie Wonder song.

Sure enough, the introduction ended, Anne looked up, felt enveloped by the silence, and then apologized. “I’m sorry,” she told the crowd, “I just need to pray.”

She bowed her head to find strength in God, and when she opened her eyes, someone had placed a flower in a vase right in front of her. Anne was startled, thrown off.

“What’s this?” she asked the crowd.

A woman in the front row explained that she had woken up that morning and felt impressed by God that Anne would need something encouraging right before she started speaking. She told her husband to go get a flower in a vase.

“Where am I going to find that?” he asked. “We’re not from around here.”

“Just get it,” she said.

So he did. Anne then told the gathered audience about how Jim had always sung to her before she spoke and how she had dreaded opening up her eyes and hearing nothing, and how much that flower meant to her, evidence that God was still with her even though her husband wasn’t and God would see her through. As you might expect, there was a serious run on Kleenex in that room. And the husband, who admitted that he had protested his wife’s request rather vigorously, told Anne, “I’m going to be a different husband. I had no idea how much those small things can really matter.”

Jim had discipled another man in his death.

The first time I saw Anne after Jim’s passing, I was fighting back tears approximately every 15 minutes as we remembered her wonderful, godly husband. As she dropped me off at my hotel, she paused to tell me, “I’ve had such a good life, Gary. Such a good, good life, investing in others, and sharing that with Jim.”

Though people always spoke so highly of the gifted Anne Pierson, for every one time I heard her name in ministry circles I heard “Jim and Anne Pierson” a dozen times. They had that blessed single identity. They were a unit; two individuals who were very much a single couple.

Jim and Anne had so little of what most people think constitutes a glamorous marriage. Having spent their entire married lives in ministry, they had so little money that Jim felt he needed to get permission from Anne to leave his daughter a small gift in his will (less than $10,000) to buy a new car. They didn’t look like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Jim’s passing was covered by a local newspaper, but it didn’t make the evening news or even Christianity Today. But how many people do you know who can look back at a simple but spiritually fruitful life and honestly say, “It’s been such a good life, Gary, such a good, good life, investing in others and sharing that with my husband?”

You don’t have to be beautiful (though Jim and Anne are, in every way). You don’t have to be rich. You don’t have to be famous to experience this. You just have to be what Jim and Anne were: worshippers of God, intent on seeking first His Kingdom and His righteousness, investing in the lives of others, and reaping eternal rewards.

God wants this for you. He wants you to say goodbye to your lifelong love with similar words, “It has been such a good, good life, a rich life of investing in others and sharing that with my spouse.”

We began with Jeremiah 31, so let’s end there. After God says through Jeremiah, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt” (vv. 3-4a), He adds, “I will make them walk by streams of waters, on a straight path in which they will not stumble; for I am a father to Israel.” (v. 9)

God will make us walk; God will lead us on a “straight path” and keep us from stumbling. Why? He is our Father, and, once we are married, also our Father-in-Law.

“They will come and shout for joy on the height of Zion, and they will be radiant over the bounty of the Lord…Their life will be like a watered garden…for I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow…My people will be satisfied with My goodness, declares the Lord.” (vv. 12-14)

Anne looked at me behind glasses with eyes that have seen many decades, but those were satisfied eyes, eyes convinced of God’s goodness, grateful for every day.

Married life, offered in service to God, is such a good life, such a rich life, such a rewarding life. Let’s give ourselves fully to it and we, like Anne, will be doubly blessed with a lifelong love.

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Ambrose Shines a Light on Ministry that Lasts

Ambrose (340-397), the Bishop of Milan, was one of the most influential ecclesiastical figures of the 4th century. I personally love his works but more importantly (and of course much more substantially) he is considered a saint by the Roman Catholic Church, the Eastern Orthodox Church, the Anglican Communion, and various Lutheran denominations. He was hugely influential in the life and conversion of Augustine.

His book On the Duties of the Clergy is designed for the clergy but there is much fruit to be gleaned by any serious believer who wants to live a life of influence. Though I act as a cheerleader for the Christian classics, imploring people to mine their spiritual riches, I realize many view my obsession as an eccentric oddity. So in some of these “Closer to Christ” blog posts I’m going to offer book summaries to pass along their wisdom to those who don’t care to read an entire book that is centuries old.

In Book I, Ambrose discusses the call to teach and the “manifold dangers” incurred therein. “How many have I seen to fall into sin by speaking, but scarcely one by keeping silent?” The odds are that you’ll err more if you are too quick to speak but he also warns cowardly silence is a sin, too. “If we are to give account for an idle word, let us take care that we do not have to give it also for an idle silence.”

Many choose ministry and leadership for what leaders do; Ambrose redirects us to focus on what leaders are internally, insisting that for ministry in particular, “A pure inner life is a valuable possession.” The most fruitful ministry is based on spiritual authenticity. A particularly convicting section is composed of chapters V and VI, where Ambrose charges clergy to display humility even toward their enemies. If we spend too much energy defending ourselves, we risk appearing guilty. “He then, who is quickly roused by wrong makes himself seem deserving of insult, even whilst he wishes to be shown not to deserve it.”

As I read Ambrose, I’m reminded that humility will disarm so many of our detractors, in a way that taking violent offense will not. I’m guessing Ambrose wouldn’t be known as a “Twitter warrior” if he were alive today.

Ambrose urges leaders to embrace their parishioners like family (Chapter VII) and stresses that true Gospel ministry is always focused on showing mercy, especially toward the poor (Chapter XI and XII).

Let’s pause for a second here: Ambrose, one of the most brilliant bishops who ever served, puts humility and mercy at the top of the list for authentic Christian leadership.

Humility and mercy.

Is that what Christian leaders are known for today?

Later chapters extol the need to remember eternal punishment and rewards rather than worrying about or focusing on earthly accomplishment and fame. Seeking honor from the world will lead our ministry efforts astray because we’ll start fighting battles that don’t matter while neglecting the ones that do.

In chapter XX Ambrose warns against “dangerous associations” that could lead our hearts and actions astray, such as ungodly men, rich banquets, and inappropriate intimacies with women. If a few former “celebrity pastors” had read this chapter alone, they might still be in ministry…

Chapter XXI is a marvelous warning against the dangers of anger. Ambrose then warns against too much jesting, followed by a long (but worthwhile) discussion on the importance of prudence and truth. This might seem quaint, but if you sit back and ponder how many have had their ministries destroyed from a lack of prudence and a departure from the truth, you’d see the wisdom Ambrose possessed over 1500 years ago.  I can immediately think of three headlines that could have been erased if the leaders discussed therein had lived by prudence and truth. When you start taking foolish risks and you start lying to cover them up, you are racing toward collapse.

The Bishop once again demonstrates his practical understanding of church life when he urges strategic kindness: we should give generously, he says, but firstly to our family, secondly to the deserving who are in want from no fault of their own (rather than rewarding laziness or bad behavior), and especially the elderly or disabled who truly need the assistance. We shouldn’t give to appear generous, but rather give where it is most needed and most strategic. I loved this reminder. Give strategically.

Most of us would be duly convicted by Ambrose’s call to courage in Chapter XXXV and beyond. If we don’t have “contempt for all earthly things,” he warns, we will inevitably succumb to cowardice to preserve the earthly things we hold most dear. “Entangle not thyself in the affairs of this life, for thou art fighting for God.” Such an attitude gives us true freedom of mind because it protects us from grieving too much over earthly loss, or celebrating too much over earthly success and prosperity. Ambrose keeps God, faith and eternity as the true north for every earnest servant.

One of the many things I love about Ambrose’s work is that more than just telling us not to be cowards, he shows how we can develop courage in advance (Chapter XXXVIII). He’s a practical pastor and says we need to resolve ahead of time to be motivated by fear of God and the desire for heavenly rewards and just as importantly, anticipate challenge, temptation and misfortune so that we’ll be ready for it when it comes. Not looking for it and not expecting it means we will be caught by surprise and courage will be much less likely. If we can look ahead and resolve that we will hold fast to God and the truth regardless of any attack and regardless of anything that might be taken from us, as well as regardless of any good that might be withheld from us (a job, promotion, praise), we are far more likely to be found faithful when we are tested. If you are an influencer of any kind, you are going to be asked certain questions in public. If you haven’t already resolved how to answer those questions in a way that most honors God, you are twice as likely to dishonor God as you seek the favor of the world (or even of the moment) instead of God’s eternal glory.

In another very practical section (Chapter XLIV) Ambrose helps us understand where best to serve—not where our parents or others want us to serve, but modestly considering our true call and true gifts. I recently had a wonderful conversation with Gary Chapman (author of The Five Love Languages), who has been an assistant pastor at the same church for over 50 years. I’ve been an assistant on staff at Second for over a decade now. Because both of us can teach, people sometimes wonder why we’re not senior pastors. but the truth is both of us are spiritually content not being in charge and using our (in my case, limited) energies to focus elsewhere. If I could give a piece of advice to younger men and women, I’d urge them to consider what they are, but also become more aware of what they’re not. You’ll make the most impact when you serve according to your call, not others’ expectations. God is a creative God—what if He wants to use you in a way He’s never used someone before? What if He’s creating a new assignment just for you? Don’t seek power and recognition—seek a good fit for the gifts God has uniquely given to you.

While we focus on the tasks of ministry, Ambrose sees the first and true call of a genuine leader to be one of pursuing virtue: “What is virtuous may be compared to the good health and soundness of the body, whilst what is seemly is, as it were, its comeliness and health.” With the same earnestness that the “world” seeks good health and beauty, the servant of God should seek virtue and faith. Again, he stresses, ministry isn’t based primarily on what you do; it’s an outgrowth of who you are. Leading and learning without earnestly pursuing character growth is to build a house of cards; it’ll only take one slight wind to tear everything down.

In my few decades of ministry, I’ve seen gifted individuals suddenly get a much more visible platform and watch as the worst side of an unfinished character becomes visible for all to see. Success pushes them toward the worst part of their personality and it shows. Sometimes, they have valuable things to share, but the noise of their inner dysfunction is so loud people block their ears. It’s like you’re trying to have a conversation with someone who is really smart but has the most atrocious garlic breath you’ve ever encountered. Sooner rather than later, you deem that it’s not worth the effort.

The next two posts will look at Books II and III. I hope some of you will consider reading this remarkable work yourselves, and if you do, come back here and let’s discuss it in the comments.

For a book on growing your character, check out The Glorious Pursuit: Becoming Who God Created You to Be.

For a book on reading the Christian classics, check out Thirsting for God: Spiritual Refreshment for the Sacred Journey.

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Passion Sustained Through Purpose

How is it that two people so enthralled with each other that they decided to spend the rest of their lives together, who perhaps once shared an infatuation so intense they could scarcely stand to be apart, eventually grow so bored with each other that they can’t bear to live in the same house?

How and why does a couple go from such high highs to such low lows?

Here’s a clue: even the best of marriages is a miserable substitute for the ultimate reality of living for God. God created us to be people of purpose who live lives of eternal impact. When we settle for less, it’s God’s kindness and mercy that starts to stir something within us that says, There must be more to life than this! Because there is! And God doesn’t want us to miss it.

The worst thing we can do when we feel the need for “something more” is to go looking for another romantic infatuation, which neuroscience tells us has a limited shelf life of about twelve to eighteen months. The way God designed our brains, it’s physically impossible to keep infatuation alive with any intensity for very long. So don’t obsess about “falling out of love” with your spouse. Concern yourself instead with falling out of purpose, because purpose will sustain your love.

Romance alone is not enough to continually refresh our souls or keep love alive for a lifetime because no one human is capable of filling our every need. Our marriages must be focused on Someone greater. We need a magnificent obsession. We need to let the Lord of all creation capture our hearts, to fall more and more in love with Him. We need to make Him our desire, our very life and breath.

The magnificent obsession is based on Matthew 6:33 (ESV), “Seek first the kingdom of God.” What does it mean to seek first the kingdom of God? Let me summarize it this way: Seeking first the kingdom of God means that every day when my spouse and I wake up, God’s agenda for us is more important than our comfort, our own happiness, our reputations, our enrichment, or our personal aims. We haven’t just been saved; we’ve been enlisted. So our priorities must be radically different: “He died for all, so that those who live might live no longer for themselves, but for him who died and was raised for them” (2 Corinthians 5:15 NRSV).

It’s this magnificent obsession with God’s work that makes marriages work. Let’s be honest: none of us is so enthralling that we can keep another person enchanted for fifty-plus years. Five or six dates? No problem. Five or six years? That’s a challenge. Five or six decades? Good luck with that. Every one of us has severe limitations that marriage seems to spotlight like nothing else. That is why human relationships that live for the relationship itself are unsustainable. So it would seem that notions of a “lifelong love” are little more than a romantic fantasy.

Unless …

Unless we are “planted by streams of [spiritual] water” that keep our leaves from withering (Psalm 1:3). A magnificent obsession with God gives two people a reason to talk, a reason to get out of bed, a reason to stay together, and excitement that never ends. Marriage between two people with a shared love of Christ is a marriage that grows ever deeper over time. As God shapes our hearts to desire Him, He is also shaping our hearts to desire and enjoy each other. That’s what God provides in a marriage centered on Him. So many marriage books talk about keeping the romance alive, which I understand to some extent. But too few talk about keeping purpose alive.

Long-term marital satisfaction is found first and foremost in worship and service, celebrating and working on behalf of God’s kingdom instead of trying to create an earthly substitute. No matter how intense your emotional connection is, how thrilling and pleasurable your sexual life is, how successful your children are—these things alone cannot fill an otherwise empty soul for decades on end. You can have a good run with them, but there will be days when a creeping emptiness begins to haunt you. We were made to live in no less a drama than the spread of God’s eternal reign. We need adventure. We need purpose. We need the adrenaline of stepping out of our comfort zones for a purpose higher than our own well-being. We need our lives to matter for eternity, not just for the moment. We need to find fulfillment in something greater than our bank accounts, our pleasure, or our reputations.

In the end, selfishness is a very boring life. Nothing, not even romance, can substitute for kingdom life because that’s how God created us. Marriages without a magnificent obsession are racing toward boredom. It’s only a matter of time.

In Christian circles, we do a disservice if we try to “fix” marriages without first teaching the necessity of fixing our lives on this magnificent obsession, seeking first the kingdom of God. I have no interest in offering anyone five steps toward becoming a little less miserable in their marriage as they live a substandard, self-centered life that isn’t set on something greater. But I will tire myself out to help someone jump into the current of God’s advancing kingdom. The best marriages are achieved by living for something else and letting that something else lift up the marriage.

Pre-order for this book is now available, and if you place your order before April 1, you get to choose a FREE second copy from my three re-releases to keep or give to a friend.

But what if your spouse isn’t a believer? You can still enjoy the presence of God in your marriage because His Word says, “The unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband” (1 Corinthians 7:14). In this rather stunning statement, Paul boldly proclaims that there is enough of God in one believing spouse to provide everything a marriage needs to be sanctified.

God is that powerful. If your spouse is not a believer, he or she can help you learn how to love the lost. Meanwhile, seeking first the kingdom of God will make your happiness less dependent on having exactly the kind of spouse you always dreamed of and more dependent on obediently following the God you were created to serve.

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Business Suits and Baby Ruth Bars

When our kids were very young, Halloween was the most challenging holiday for my organic-loving, healthy foods-oriented wife. Seeing her children come home with bags of candy just about made her head split apart, so she set firm ground rules: one larger piece of candy after lunch, or three smaller pieces. If the kids didn’t sneak (and their father exhibited unusual self-discipline), the candy would last until Valentine’s Day.

Our son Graham went through a daily ritual of selection that I wish I would have recorded. It could take him almost an hour to make his choice. He’d pour his candy out, then try out about a dozen combinations, often negotiating with my wife: “This is really medium, not large, so how about this one and one of these?”

We didn’t know it at the time, but those dealings could have given us a glimpse into his life calling. He succeeded in business right after college in a way that was mesmerizing to watch: Boston Consulting Group and then the Gates Foundation pleaded with him to stay on as he moved upwards and onwards. He got into a prestigious business school and graduated near the top of his class, and then landed a great job with a very family friendly but also very profitable company. For his MBA graduation gift, I decided to buy him a “bespoke” business suit: you pick out the fabric, the cut, the lining, everything, get measured, and then they put it all together.

It was especially fun to go to the tailor together. As Graham looked at possible linings, I was taken back to those Halloween days. He tried two options, pulled one back, added a third element, reconsidered, pulled the first one back, until finally, he made his choice. This was repeated when he was choosing buttons, lapels, everything. Twenty years prior, his choice was about the flavor of the penny candy; today, he was choosing the texture of the wool for a suit in which he’d make business deals involving millions of dollars.

I saw the connection only in hindsight, but it was startling.

Our oldest daughter has primarily worked in caring industries that don’t pay much at all, but they fit her high “EQ,” emotional empathy and awareness. Our talkative, witty, and ambitious youngest daughter landed a job with a communications company that publishes various magazines. I always said that if I had Kelsey’s personality and wit, my conferences might rival Beth Moore’s.

When our children were growing up, however unintentionally, if you measured our concern for their future lives by the amount of time we spent doing any one activity, you might say we focused on sports. This isn’t entirely fair to say; since Lisa homeschooled, we spent a lot of family time on education. But when school was out, sports took over, along with various church activities.

I love sports and enjoyed watching our kids compete. But while only one out of 15,000 kids in the United States will end up being a professional athlete, sports has taken over modern family life, timewise. Churches will tell you that slavish devotion to competitive sports is making it more and more difficult for congregations to keep meeting together or have any extra conferences or meetings. Kids often spend far more time practicing their bodies than they do engaging their minds, and certainly more than they do learning the spiritual disciplines of our faith.

When my son was graduating from high school, he had a chance to play athletics at some smaller schools. When we talked about it, he realized while he could be a good athlete, his skills to excel laid elsewhere, so he went to a school where those skills could be developed while he settled for playing intramural sports. It’s paid off in a major way.

Here’s what I’d tell younger parents today: Study your young children. Protect them from just going along with the crowd—playing several sports at once like all of their friends do. Help them see their unique skillsets and what gives them soul-filling joy and point them in that direction. Sports can teach a lot of valuable lessons—I’m not saying it’s wasted time if they don’t become professional athletes—but don’t allow our culture’s slavish devotion to sports eclipse even more important and relevant lessons.

From my vantage point as an empty nest parent, I can tell you this: your greatest joy when your kids are young adults will be based on three things, in this order: their devotion to God, their devotion to their own family (their desire to stay connected with you, and their involvement in their own family if they have one), and watching their unique contribution to this world, whether that’s caring for others, creating products for others, or selling products to others (this world needs all three).

I’m not sure most of us raise our children with these priorities, time-wise, but for those of you still raising kids, you’ve got a chance to at least talk about this with each other. Does the emphasis of your family life, leisure time, and training line up with the priorities of what you think matters most in life?

Start watching for clues when your children are young. Looking back, I can now trace every one of my three children’s career arcs. I wish I would have spent a little more time fostering those rather than buying juice boxes and preparing orange slices for yet another tournament of toddlers that created more laundry and plastic trophies than it did life lessons.

Faith, family, and future—if our children excel in these, we won’t care how many home runs, goals, touchdowns, or matches they won when they were young. Let’s help our children focus on and prepare for the lifelong battles that truly matter.  

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Hilariously Holy, Part 1

Decades ago, while serving on a pastoral search committee, I listened to hours of sermons from people all over the country.  One young applicant was certainly earnest, and he clearly aimed for conviction.  His resume hit the benchmarks we were looking for, so I eagerly listened to his talk.  The first sermon seemed very heavy, but it was a Good Friday sermon so I expected no less.  When I listened to another one, however, he evoked the same heaviness.  I listened to a third, and even the start of a fourth, wanting to embrace his ministry for our congregation. 

But I just couldn’t.

As the committee discussed his sermons, there was a general agreement that he wasn’t a good “fit” for our congregation.  I finally put our uncertainty into words: “I wonder if he has any joy in life?  Where is the joy of life in Christ, the satisfaction of living in worship and relationship with God?”

He was good on preaching for conviction, reminding us of responsibility and duty and obligation—but on the scale of living an inviting life, he was a 2 or 3 out of ten.  Why would somebody want to follow such a somber, almost dreary, persona?

Even Teresa of Avila, who became feared, controversial, and indeed hated in her day for attempting to bring discipline and asceticism to a lax convent of Carmelite nuns that had become more of a social club than a religious order, once said, “God save us from surly saints.”  She believed in self-discipline andself-denial—but self-discipline and self- denial without joy and pleasure become warped walls.  Over time, the rain is going to get through the cracks, and eventually compromise the entire structure.  Teresa taught her followers that embracing God’s simple pleasures is what prepares us to endure ascetic self-denial. Discipline without joy eventually leads to cruelty, arrogance, and condemnation. 

The Ministry of Laughter

A friend of mine was under the kind of stress that could send weaker souls into a nervous breakdown.  He was going through a spiritual crisis, a relational crisis, and a vocational crisis all at the same time.  We were part of a small group, and one evening somebody shared a hilarious story; we all started laughing until our sides hurt, which reminded someone else of an equally funny story.  This went on for a good 45 minutes until our diaphragms were worn out with laughter. 

 “Well, this meeting got away from me,” I thought to myself.  “We should have been praying for this guy and giving him some counsel.” 

 But as he stood up, he looked at all of us and said, “You have no idea how much this ministered to me tonight.”

Ministered? 

With laughter? 

The truth is, he got exactly what he needed.

There is certainly a place for earnest counsel and fervent prayer, but sometimes people who are hurting need to laugh.  Effective ministry is about discovering the fine line that knows what is most appropriate and when.

Admittedly, if somebody relies on humor to cover up a lack of spiritual insight and studied wisdom, his or her “ministry” is a sham.  Laughter should illustrate, prepare for, and point to truth, not substitute for it.  But when humor can serve Christ’s cause—bringing people in, lightening their heavy loads, creating little mental “rests” for the next convicting point—it becomes God’s servant.

After all, God is the one who created laughter.  And we, the only creatures created in his image, are the only creatures who genuinely laugh. Why can’t we celebrate him as we use what he created to help make his points?  Laughter, in this sense, is a glorious reflection of being made in God’s image.

Lighten Up

In spite of Scripture’s occasional use of humor, there is still a certain element within the faith community that thinks all “true” ministry must be somber, or that the “holiest” people will also be the most serious.  Extreme and inappropriate levity can be a spiritual failing and a way to escape, rather than confront, life, but lacking a sense of humor is also a poor reflection on the image of God—who himself laughs and who created laughter.

It’s not just about your ministry; it’s about self-care. In his marvelous book Leadership from the Inside Out, author Kevin Harney states:

I need to laugh more often.  I sat with a woman whose husband, the man who said, ‘For better and for worse,’ ran off with a woman half his age.  I cared, prayed, and felt helpless to relieve her deep pain.  I battled through a board meeting with a gifted group of leaders who couldn’t resolve a critical issue.  I did a funeral for a seven-year-old boy whose body had been ravaged by leukemia.  I processed ministry challenges with a volunteer who does not really fit where she is serving.  Have you ever had to fire a volunteer?  As the week comes to a close, I could really use a friend who will talk with me, laugh with me, go see a comedy with me.  Sometimes I feel that if I can’t laugh, I’ll lose my mind.  And some days laughter is hard to come by.”

All of this led Kevin to conclude, “If we can’t open the pressure valve with laughter, we just might explode. So laugh or die. It’s up to you.”

Are you in a tough marriage, or supporting someone else who is in one?  Is your heart broken by a rebellious child?  Is your boss, or the lack of a job, tempting you toward anxiety, worry and stress?  Are you a young person, trying to find your way in this world, but feeling all too alone and sometimes even lost?  Has your heart been broken into a million pieces through disappointment after disappointment?  Because we are human, not gods, heavy responsibility devoid of laughter and pleasure can destroy us. God has created a healing balm—laughter.  Spiritually, it will lift us up and give us the strength to face life’s serious challenges.

 I once ran a marathon in the middle of June.  It was a “black balloon” day.  Race organizers flew the black balloon to warn people of the heat and humidity index, telling runners to slow their pace, and runners with health issues to consider dropping out.

I flew in for the marathon from the Pacific Northwest where I had lived next to the Bellingham Bay for over a decade.  A couple times of year, the temperature may stretch to reach 80 degrees or more, but then it usually pulls back into the seventies after about 90 minutes.  Heat and humidity cover Seattle about as often as commonsense politicians get elected there.  My body wasn’t even close to being prepared.

After thirteen miles at a decent pace, I knew I was in trouble.  Though I entered the race in the best shape of my adult life, the marathon collapsed into a pursuit of each water stop.  The aid stations stood like oases, about two miles apart from each other.  Volunteers showered us with cold wet sponges, ice cubes, and drinks.  I forgot about the finish line, and just focused on making it to the next aid station. That was the only way I finished the race (after which I was promptly escorted into the aid tent and shot full of saline solution).

For ministry and life, laughter is like an aid station during a hot marathon: there’s a lot of work to be done between the aid stations, but laughter gives us a mental, spiritual, emotional, and even physical break to face the challenge ahead.  The more serious your situation, the more strenuous your work, the more you need to laugh.  I’ve blown by aid stations during cool Seattle marathons; I didn’t skip a single one in Duluth.

Accepting laughter as a blessing and necessary part of spiritual growth is part of our series on embracing a more biblical view of pleasure. If you’d like to read more about this topic, check out my book Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling So Good?

The post Hilariously Holy, Part 1 appeared first on Gary Thomas.

You’re not as Healthy as You Think You Are

Debra Fileta does an amazing job of asking an extremely convicting question: “Are You Really Ok?” in a pastoral way. It’s convicting but encouraging and inspiring at the same time. Debra calls us to full health–spiritually, emotionally, physically, and relationally. As a licensed counselor she deals with sensitive issues (such as mental health and medications) with compassion and intelligence, all supported by a biblical worldview. I don’t have her credentials, but if I did, this is exactly the kind of book I’d like to write. Before you can answer the question, “Am I really okay?” I think you should read this book. I asked her if we could excerpt something from her book on this blog and she graciously agreed. What follows is the introduction, which I hope will whet your appetite to read more. You won’t be disappointed if you do.   

You’re not as healthy as you think you are. 

That’s a presumptuous sentence for the start of a book, but if you’ve continued reading to sentence two even after reading sentence one, then you’re exactly the kind of person I want to be reading along. Because the conversations that we’re about to have throughout the chapters of this book need to be had with people who are not easily offended. They need to be had with people who are ready to reflect, to question, to grow. People who aren’t afraid to be challenged or pushed out of their comfort zone. People who are ready to redefine their view of themselves and who God has made them to be. People who are ready to face the hard questions and dig deep to answer: Are you really okay?

And if you’ve made it this far, you’re likely that kind of person. You’re ready. I can just feel it. You’re ready to stop being content with the skewed version of health that has rubbed off on us from this culture—the version that can look so good on the outside yet fail to actually deal with what’s happening on the inside. The version that has gotten so good at presenting its picture-perfect self on Instagram yet fails to acknowledge its flaws and struggles and failures. The version that presents the façade that everything is fine, when really, everything is not. I’m beyond ready to stop playing this game and to acknowledge that just because we’re Christian doesn’t mean we’re healthy. No, not even close. 

According to a long line of psychological studies, we humans have a tendency to see ourselves as better than we are. Social scientists call this the better-than-average-effect.[1] When asked how well they drive, how good of a friend they are, or how morally they behave, the majority of people will rate themselves as better than the average. Mathematically speaking, this can’t be the reality—half of all people will fall below the median. So, not only do people think of themselves as better than average, but they think better of themselves than they actually should. In other words, they think they’re doing okay when, in fact, they might not be.

It was hypothesized that people view themselves as above average only when they’re higher in socioeconomic status or only in certain groups that actually are above average in certain areas, so another study was performed to test the effect on a group of prisoners. Prisoners were asked to assess their view of themselves with regard to their kindness and morality, comparing themselves to nonprisoners in their personal assessment. Sure enough, the prisoners affirmed the better-the-average effect shows no bias: They saw themselves as above average in both kindness and morality in comparison to nonprisoners.[2] It doesn’t matter if you’re a pastor or a prisoner because according to human nature, you likely think of yourself as better than you actually are. And this applies to every area of our life. It applies to our actions and choices, our feelings and emotions, our behaviors and interactions, our thoughts and ideas, and everything in between. Just because we’re Christians doesn’t mean we’re healthy. And just because we think we’re doing okay doesn’t mean we really are. 

We live in a culture that has set us up to put our best face forward. A culture that deceives us into believing that the better we appear, the better we are. But just because we seem to have it together on the outside doesn’t mean that we have it together on the inside. And just because we’ve come to Jesus at some point in our journey doesn’t mean we’ve magically achieved perfection. We need to stop assuming health and start pursuing health, living intentionally toward health on every level. 

Heart, Soul, Mind, Strength

In the book of Mark, Jesus was asked to explain what the greatest commandment was out of all the commandments. Jesus answered, “The most important one…is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength’” (Mark 12:29-30). One thing I love about His direct answer is that it covers every single base. Loving God is not just something we do in our hearts. Loving God is something we have to do with every layer of who we are: with our emotions, our spirit, our thoughts, and our body. Loving God is a holistic experience. It requires every part of who we are to be in alignment with every part of who He is.

As Christians, we have a tendency to put all our focus on loving God with our spirit. We have spiritual conversations, we hear spiritual messages, we sing spiritual songs, and we read spiritual books. We can get so focused on our time in God’s Word, our prayer life, and our weekly church gatherings that we fail to take inventory of the health of every other part of our lives. What about our emotional health? What about our mental health? And what about our physical health? Are we making space in our lives for these important considerations? Because if we’re not loving God with all of those aspects of ourselves, can we say that we’re loving Him well? If we’re struggling in one or two of those areas, could that struggle be impacting the rest?

I always say that healthy people make healthy relationships, but you know what? The reverse is also true. Unhealthy people make unhealthy relationships.

Becoming A Christian Doesn’t Fix Everything

In the church culture we’ve created, we falsely assume that becoming a Christian fixes everything. Maybe we don’t actually say those words out loud, but we have this latent belief that we’re going to have it together emotionally, spiritually, and mentally just because we’re walking with the Lord. Yet we don’t apply that mentality to our bodies, do we? We don’t assume that just because we come to Jesus, all of a sudden we’re going to have just the right BMI, our blood pressure will be just right, and all of our physical flaws will disappear.

My friend Pastor Levi Lusko, affirmed this when I visited Fresh Life Church: “We don’t get a six pack when we get saved or biceps when we get baptized.” We’d never make that crazy assumption with our physical health, and we often do the work that needs to be done to meet our physical health goals. But then why do we make that assumption with regard to our emotional and mental health? Why do we fail to get educated and set goals from the inside out? Why do we so severely neglect taking inventory of what is actually going on inside of us? 

Taking Inventory of Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength

If we’re to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, we need to align ourselves with His best for us in all these areas. Taking inventory of each of those areas is of vital importance, and that’s the work we’ll be doing throughout the chapters of this book. Chapter by chapter, page by page, we’re going to take the time to dig deep and ask ourselves how we’re really doing in our emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical health. We’re going to start living intentionally toward health, and not just assuming we’re okay.

That doesn’t mean we’re ever going to reach perfection, but we do need to have a proper perspective of who we are versus who God has called us to be. We need to see the gap between our flesh and God’s Spirit and do whatever is in our power to move in His direction. Our personal health and development impacts absolutely everything. It impacts the quality of our life, it impacts our relationships, it impacts our marriages, it impacts our families, it impacts our ministries, and most importantly, it impacts our callings. We need to be strengthened and empowered to do what God has called us to do with no hindrance.

How often have we seen Christians in the media fall from the height of leadership and into sin and struggle? How often do we see seemingly strong people wreck their marriages and their families and their ministries because they’ve chosen adultery or addictions? How many more suicides, how much more drug abuse or alcoholism do we need to see before we realize that maybe we ourselves are susceptible to sin and struggle?

Going from unhealth to health is a journey, just as going from health back to unhealth is a journey. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s all about the small steps we take each and every day. Those steps create the roads that shape the maps of our lives. We don’t go from 0 to 100 in a day. And that’s good news for all of us because if we can’t go from 0 to 100 in a day, then we also can’t go from 100 to 0 in a day. The journey toward health is slow, steady, and stable. It takes our unrelenting awareness and our unhindered intention to do the next right thing, after the next right thing, after the next right thing. We do what we can do, and trust God to continue doing the rest. 

God has been lighting a fire in my bones lately regarding the message of personal health among Christians and the importance of coming to terms with who we are and how we’re really doing mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But just recently, this fire got to a place where it singed me. Sometimes the very thing you are passionate about is the very thing that ends up causing you the most pain. Because usually, our passion is birthed out of our pain. That statement was beyond true for me one recent summer as I found myself walking through a level of anxiety and depression and physical illness that I’ve never experienced before. I have so much more to share about this life-altering experience through the chapters of this book, but I want you to know that being a licensed professional counselor doesn’t make me immune to emotional and mental distress, just like being a pastor doesn’t make you immune to spiritual attack, or being a doctor doesn’t make you immune to physical illness.

If we are to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, then it makes sense that the enemy—the father of lies and destruction—would do whatever He can to ensure that we face struggle in our heart, soul, mind, and strength (John 8:44). The core areas in which you are to love God are the core areas that are susceptible to struggle. We shouldn’t be surprised by the struggle. Instead, we should be prepared! The enemy is going to use whatever he can to get us down and out, but by God’s power and through His strength, we have what it takes to face those struggles and come out stronger on the other side—mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically in Jesus’s name.

Coming to Jesus doesn’t fix everything. It doesn’t fix our high cholesterol levels, and it doesn’t fix our lonely childhoods, and it doesn’t fix our proclivities toward fear and anxiety. That fix will only come when the trumpet sounds and when all things are made new. But in the meantime, in this life, the Spirit gives us what we need to come face-to-face with our struggles and declare that Christ will be victorious in the end (1 Corinthians 15:57)!

Over the course of the next 12 chapters, we are going to dive deep into every aspect of personal health. We’re going to talk about preparing your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength. We’re going to take inventory of your emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical health. We’re going to ask the hard questions and face the raw answers because we’re ready to stop pretending that just because we’re Christians means we have it all together. We’re ready to begin bridging the gap between who we actually are and who God has called us to be. We’re ready to live intentionally toward emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical health.

I know you’re ready too. You’re exactly the kind of person I want to come with me, and I’m honored to be taking this journey by your side. So, here we go. Let’s do this.

Pre-Order Are You Really OK? today and receive two bonus gifts including: the FREE AUDIOBOOK read by Debra, as well as a FREE Are You Really OK? JOURNAL filled with all the questions you need to answer as you begin the process of getting healthy from the inside out! CLICK HERE TO PRE-ORDER (AreYouReallyOK.com)

DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of  Choosing Marriage  and  True Love Dates , and Love In Every Season and Are You Really OK? . She’s also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast . Her popular relationship advice blog,  TrueLoveDates.com , reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on  Facebook ,  Instagram , or  Twitter or book an online session with her today!

Notes:

Introduction: You’re Not as Healthy as You Think You Are

[1] Mark D. Alicke and Olesya Govorun, “The Better-than-Average Effect,” The Self in Social Judgment (New York: Psychology Press, 2005), 83-106.

[2] Rosie Meek, Mark D. Alicke, and Sarah Taylor, “Behind Bars but Above the Bar: Prisoners Consider Themselves More Prosocial than Non-Prisoners,” British Journal of Social Psychology 53, no. 2 (June 2014): 396-403, doi: 10.1111/bjso.12060.

The post You’re not as Healthy as You Think You Are appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Do You Have a Problem with Pleasure?

When Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling Good? came out in its German edition, the German publisher asked me a number of questions behind why I thought the book needed to be published. This is a different format from my usual blog posts, but I thought it might be helpful for those of you who have questions about the role of pleasure in Christian spiritual formation.  

Why did you write a book about pleasure?  Why is this an important topic for Christians to discuss?

Much of today’s spirituality is built on a foundation guaranteed to create disillusioned believers: how to avoid doing something sinful that in all sincerity the believer truly wants to do.  Ancient and biblical Christian spirituality approached obedience from an entirely different perspective: cooperate with God as He shapes our hearts in such a way that we desire what is truly holy and are repelled by what is truly sinful. 

We live in a culture where temptations of all kinds are so pervasive that unless we address a transformed heart, Christians will live frustrated and occasionally even despairing lives.  Ultimately, most of us will end up doing what we want to do.  Instead of trying to deny this, we need to learn how to shape our heart so that we desire what is pleasing to God.  Pure Pleasure builds on the ancient truth of a transformed heart and adds a contemporary twist: a practical look at what it means to build a life of pure pleasure with the result that illicit pleasure begins to lose its hold on our souls.

Some believers assume “pleasure” and “sin” are synonyms.  Others define godly “pleasure” so narrowly that it is reduced to direct worship (singing worship songs, studying the Bible, etc.), which drastically reduces the powerful place of pleasure in their lives.  Still others would feel guilty even thinking about how to build a life of pleasure. Pure Pleasure provides an entirely new paradigm: how and why contemporary Christians can embrace a life of true pleasure as a pathway to obedience and even worship. 

C.S. Lewis understood the place of pleasure as well as anyone.  In his classic book The Screwtape Letters, Lewis’ mentor demon confesses hell’s fear of pure pleasure: “Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s ground.  I know we have won many a soul through pleasure.  All the same, it is His invention, not ours.”

In short, I believe Christians have both the joy and obligation of embracing and living a life of pleasure.  Doing so honors God, builds our witness, helps with sin management, and prepares us for an eternity of unparalleled pleasure.  Though evangelicals have been largely suspicious or silent on pleasure, it is essential that we reestablish the place of pleasure for spiritual formation and Christian witness.

2. In your book you are encouraging people to give themselves permission to enjoy pleasure. That sounds a bit funny as everybody in our society seems to long for pleasure all the time.

It’s natural we should do so.  Pleasure is a gift from God. It is good.  Think about it: our bodies are uniquely designed by God to receive pleasure in a startling variety of ways. Smell, touch, taste, sight, sound, feeling, beauty, truth, adrenaline—these are all just some of the amazing thresholds through which our brains welcome and receive intense pleasure. Not to mention that God is preparing us for an eternity of pleasure! We must also realize, however, that a hierarchy of pleasure exists—with God at the top—that orders all of our other pleasures. If the hierarchy gets broken or becomes skewed, then lesser pleasures will begin to war against the primary one, delight in Christ.  If we don’t embrace biblical pleasure as a holy good, then we’re likely to be enticed by unholy pleasure in a way that is destructive to our souls.

As Christians, we have an awful tendency to “over correct.” We see our error (“Oh, so maybe I can legitimately accept and even cultivate pleasure; I see how I’ve endangered myself and dishonored God with a prohibitionist mindset”), and then rush to the other extreme to get away from that error, only to create a new one (“I want to ‘eat, drink, and be merry’ for the rest of my life!”). Writing a book like this presents exactly that grave danger. Today’s church, frankly, has not earned a reputation for intellectual sophistication. Instead of holding things in a healthy balance, we tend to bounce back and forth between dangerous extremes.

Some who read this book, looking for an escape from responsibility, will cling to theological truths about God and pleasure primarily to justify their unbalanced lives of ongoing entertainment. Ruin and misery await them. Others will likely dismiss all this talk about pleasure as superficial, trite permission to live perpetually in a “Disneyland” faith. They risk suffering a breakdown or getting lured into hypocrisy and addiction. Both attitudes—hedonistic license or pharisaic prohibitionism —grieve God.

3. Can you answer the question the subtitle asks?  Why do Christians feel so bad about feeling good?

 The past three or four generations of Christians have often viewed the earth as a “prostitute,” a temptress luring us away from God, instead of as a mother nurturing our faith.  The Bible presents the earth in both lights: as a place of temptation that we must resist, and a place to receive God’s generous gifts.  We have to learn to embrace both truths.  There are certainly forbidden pleasures that will lead us away from God, and these must be resisted.  But one of the best ways to resist them is to embrace the goodness of God and willingly receive (and be grateful for) the holy pleasures that he gives to us.

4. What gives you pleasure in your everyday life?

My vocation—writing and teaching—happens to be one of my deepest pleasures.  For “fun,” I love to run long distance, including marathons, which has the added benefit of getting me out of doors on a regular basis.  I’m a huge fan of Starbucks’ chai tea, and love it—absolutely love it—when I’m in the middle of an insightful, well-written, engaging novel that stretches my mind and makes me think.  Good movies, good friends, and spending time with my family round out my favorite pleasures.

5. Did you make any personal lifestyle changes after you have thought and written so much about pleasure?

I was reading a contemporary author—I’ve read several of his books—and in one section he slams runners.  He said something like, “people with empty souls who have affairs and run marathons…”  (I’ve finished 14 marathons.)  I couldn’t believe it!  Running marathons is compared to adultery because it’s earthy and pleasurable? Being a runner is something I share with God; some of my most pleasurable moments on this earth are sharing a run with Him.  The final 200 yards of the 2009 Boston marathon was more worshipful for me than singing an hour’s worth of worship choruses written by somebody else.  And one day, when I was running and Keith Green’s “Oh Lord, You’re Beautiful” came on my Ipod, I thought I’d pass out from the worship and pleasure that followed; there was something almost mystical but very earthy about running and sweating while worshipping the One who created me.

Experiences like these have helped me see how many other pleasures can serve the same function.  Instead of competing with God, they can lead us to God in worship, gratitude, and adoration.

I believe for the sake of the church and my family that it is vital to practice holiness.  It matters to people that there be a general harmony between what we profess and how we live.  We have to accept that we are vulnerable to sins of all kinds, and if we don’t address this vulnerability in a humble way—in part by treating our souls with appropriate, God-honoring pleasure—that pride will set us up for a fall.  A mother with small kids who never gets time to enjoy herself can be like a tinderbox for a temper explosion. She thinks the problem is her temper; that may be the symptom. The real problem might actually be a lack of pleasure!

So I would say I’m a little more open to “non religious” pleasure these days.  Ironically, embracing those pleasures has increased my worship considerably; recognizing that God came up with the concept of pleasure, and gave me a body capable of receiving pleasure, leads me to enjoy and honor Him all the more.

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Have Your Loved Ones Let You Down?

I got so sad once reading the end of the Gospel of Matthew. Jesus gave so much to His disciples. They owed Him everything, but just when He needed them the most, they let Him down again and again and again.

Let’s put what the disciples owed Jesus into modern perspective. Without financial aid, it will cost a student enrolling in Notre Dame over $275,000 to get a four-year degree. That almost makes the $120,000 it will cost to get a four-year degree from the University of Texas seem like a bargain.

What would you pay for three years with Jesus? The disciples got more than three or four lectures a day. They lived with Him, watched Him do miracles, and they could ask Him personal questions. The gift Jesus gave to them is worth more than any of us—even Jeff Bezos—could pay in “tuition.”

But even after giving them all that, when Jesus needed them the most, the disciples let Him down. The night Jesus was betrayed, He pled with His disciples several times to stay awake and pray yet all of them fell asleep, even after being woken and given a second chance.

Jesus knew they wouldn’t be faithful. At the last supper He told them, “Tonight all of you will fall away because of Me…” (Matthew 26:31). And every single one of them did.

Jesus gave His loved ones so very much, but there wasn’t a single individual—not even one—who didn’t let Him down just when He needed them the most.

If you feel let down by your spouse, parents, or children: “I’ve loved them so well, I’ve sacrificed, I’ve served, I’ve prayed for them daily, and this is how they treat me?” Jesus can relate.

Two things that kept Jesus going (and can keep us going) were His intimacy with His Heavenly Father and the urgency of His mission.

First, the intimacy. Jesus didn’t want to pray alone on the night He was betrayed, but if sleep captured those around Him, He was still determined to pray, even if that meant doing so alone.

Here’s the catch: in one sense, Jesus wasn’t alone. He was with His heavenly Father, which was far more important to Him than human companionship. Jesus didn’t let resentment or anger about how others were failing Him keep Him from His true source of joy, intimacy, and fulfillment. Instead of smoldering over the earthly others who were letting him down, Jesus looked up to heaven’s bounty.

There’s a big lesson for us here: don’t let the unfaithfulness of others blind you to the faithfulness, love, mercy, and intimacy offered by God. In other words, go to God instead of going to resentment. Go to God instead of going to bitterness. Go to God instead of fixating on how ungrateful everyone is.

In When to Walk Away I tell the story of a husband who served and loved on his wife for almost a full year until she was so convicted she finally repented of how she was treating him. Darin admits he never could have done this on his own. It wasn’t until “the Holy Spirit began to reveal to me that I wasn’t letting the Father love me that things began to turn.”

Darin had been let down, severely, by his dad. And now he was being let down by his wife. “My anger at myself and those who let me down had sprung a root of bitterness that the Father’s tender love slowly, faithfully, and surgically cut out of my life. I could point to all kinds of daddy issues, legitimate offenses, and painful failures of others that might have seemed to justify my anger, but in light of what Jesus Christ did to pay a debt that I could not repay, I could no longer hold anyone responsible for how they hurt me, especially my wife.”

Darin was getting almost nothing out of his marriage but he says—and this is key—“I could feel the pleasure of God every time I chose to be patient, to be tender, and to be charitable.”

When you must endure the apathy or even antipathy of others, find refuge in the pleasure of God. That’s what Jesus did, and what we’re invited to do as well.

Second, Jesus was motivated by His mission. Jesus responded to the ingratitude of his loved ones by focusing on His mission from His Heavenly Father. It never occurred to Him to think, “If they won’t do their part, why should I do mine?” He was going to go to the cross regardless of whether others were fulfilling their mission.

Don’t let the unfaithfulness of others hamper your own. If you have unfaithful or ungrateful children, don’t be an unfaithful or ungrateful parent. Just because your parents didn’t nurture you like perhaps a child deserves to be nurtured doesn’t mean you can mistreat them as a son or daughter. And just because your spouse lets you down doesn’t mean you get to let your spouse down (in all these situations I’mnot talking about toxic situations in which you may need to walk away). Even if you must step forward alone, step forward. You’re walking in the footsteps of Jesus! Yeah, maybe your family or friends should be by your side, but your job is to keep moving toward God’s best plan for your life even if no one else follows.

Resolve this above all else: I may pray alone, but I’m still going to pray. I may serve without being thanked, but I’m still going to serve. I may love without being noticed, but I’m still going to love.

If we look left or right, we’ll eventually lack the motivation to keep loving. The Bible tells us people can’t always be trusted so instead of looking left or right, look up. Receive and live in your Heavenly Father’s affirmation and mission. Rejoice and be thankful when loved ones join you and support you. But keep moving forward even if (or when) they don’t.

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Overheating in Houston

Some friends of ours from up north—where there is actually snow in the winter and four distinct seasons throughout the year—visited our home in Houston during the late Spring. They borrowed our car to go sightseeing in Galveston. On the return trip, our SUV was loaded down with passengers on an unseasonably hot day and the car began to overheat. When the red warning light came on, the driver wisely turned off the air conditioning.

Then the car got so hot it just shut itself off.

They were on a busy stretch of road, so the driver opted to let the car sit for a short while, then restarted it and kept driving until the car shut off again. This happened a couple times until he called me and I recommended he just pull over. “We’ll pick you up in our other car,” I said, “and call a tow truck for the vehicle.”

Alas, it was already too late. A blown water pump, pushed just a little too far, became a blown engine. The initial bill of several hundred dollars now stood at several thousand.

Your “psyche” (all elements of your mind and emotional life) is an “engine” that can be pushed too far. Early on, God established a sabbath day of rest for people, lest we work ourselves to death.  Admittedly, this probably isn’t a “majority” problem. In fact, we live in a day and age in which probably even most Christians are a little over pleasured. We experience more pleasure and leisure than most of our human forebearers could have dreamed of—from what we eat, to how we recreate, to our general comfort.

But some of you live with such a sense of obligation and an overwhelming burden of responsibility that you’re “overheating” your engine. You almost never take time for yourself. And if you do, you feel so guilty while you’re doing it that you don’t even enjoy it.

This one’s for you.

Lisa and I were away from Houston during the freak Winter storm that hit Texas on Valentine’s Day. I spoke at a church in Louisville that weekend and our flight back to Houston was cancelled. When the agent in Louisville told us that all flights out of the Louisville airport would be shut down the following day, we quickly rented a car and tried to make it into Chicago before the snowstorm hit there (we almost made it before the snow started falling, but not quite).

We spent two days having flights cancelled as we walked around the O’Hare airport (which we now know by heart). Lisa had picked out the five healthiest restaurants she wanted to eat at. All of them were closed due to Covid, which made Lisa especially agitated. “Just when we need to be eating healthy produce more than ever!” she said. I noted that McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts were doing fine, which may mean the virus will be with us for a while longer. 

Finally, Lisa came up with the brilliant plan that we fly out to Phoenix for a few days and wait everything out. We stayed in Scottsdale and had a wonderful time, including a great hike up to Tom’s Thumb. I got to run in the sun (not a searing Houston summer sun, but a massaging sixty-degree winter in Scottsdale sun). We went on an art walk. We had a long and fun dinner with some friends of ours who live in the area, laughing about old times and catching up on the new. Lisa went on a 25-mile bike ride.

I was freaking out a bit about how little work I was getting done, but my next week’s writing productivity was off the charts. It wasn’t until then that I realized my “spiritual engine” had probably been over-heating. I was forced to vacation, but in hindsight, man did I need it. It’s been over a dozen years since I wrote Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling So Good? but I think I need to go back and re-read it.

When I got home I flipped through the book and a few quotes jumped out at me:

“Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

“[God] makes…wine that gladdens the heart of man; oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains his heart…When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things” (from Psalm 104).

“When God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God…God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart” (Ecclesiastes 5:19-20).

“Contempt for pleasure, so far from arguing superior spirituality, is actually…the sin of pride. Pleasure is divinely designed to raise our sense of God’s goodness, deepen our gratitude to him, and strengthen our hope of richer pleasures to come in the next world.” J.I. Packer

If you’re a single mom whose primary pleasure might be one square of dark chocolate after the kids have finally been put to bed, make that square of chocolate count!

If you’re a young couple with small kids and you can’t remember the last time you laughed together, make those date nights happen; your marriage needs them.

If you’re stuck in a hospital while fighting a disease, let your mind roam to those memories of riding horses in the sun…

If you’re a grieving widow or widower, or a hurting parent, remind yourself that feeling pleasure doesn’t betray the one you’ve lost. You know, deep down in your soul, that punishing yourself for their absence would bring them more pain, not validation.

Maybe you’re so busy in ministry and responsibility that anything other than service or study makes you feel guilty: just be aware that you weren’t made to keep driving in the hot sun. Eventually, your engine is going to overheat (and when it does, you just might end up as a subject in Julie Roys’ blog). The great danger of ignoring pure pleasure is the same thing that happens when we allow ourselves to get too hungry: we crave junk food. In the same way, if we “spiritually overheat” through pure pleasure deprivation we may pursue junk pleasure that deadens our souls or even worse, illicit pleasure that ruins our souls.

Francois Fenelon hits the right balance when he counsels, “What do we need? Not to neglect our own needs while devoting ourselves to those of others, and not to neglect the needs of others while being engrossed in our own.”

A blog post like this and a book like Pure Pleasure can be dangerous in a world that leans far more to being over-pleasured than under-pleasured. But I know many of this blog’s readers are earnest, committed, and zealous believers. You sacrifice, you love, you serve, you give.

Please don’t stop.

But remember, it’s healthy to also play. 

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Enjoying the Earth Without Loving the World

Do you view the world as a prostitute or as a mother?

I’m serious.

Do you see the world God created as a giant temptress, waiting to lure us away from true faith and devotion, or do you see it as a mother who nurtures our faith and disciplines us toward pure devotion and abundant life?

There’s a “catch” behind my question, of course. The Bible presents the world in both lights. Various passages warn about the world’s allure, while other passages celebrate its abundance and goodness. The great question is how do we reconcile these two apparently opposing viewpoints?

Unfortunately, many traditions focus on one in exclusion to the other. Most often, we choose the negative: The world is a threat, a menace, a temptress. Such traditions deeply suspect any enjoyment in this world and seriously undercut the beauty and goodness of God’s creation. They speak as if our job as imprisoned souls is to deny any sensual experience of any kind—and certainly any pleasurable sensual experience—lest we lose our appetite for prayer, worship, and Bible study.

Some traditions of Christianity have had a very slanted and negative view of the world, in a way that injures our souls, opposes abundant life, and dishonors the God who created a wonderful place for us to live. When John tells us not to love the world or anything in the world (1 John 2:15-17), and James tells us that friendship with the world is hatred toward God (4:4), they do not instruct us to despise the sound of a baby’s laugh, the taste of cold watermelon on a hot day, or the drama of achievement; instead they warn us away from finding our happiness, meaning and fulfillment in social systems, polluted appetites, or actions that antagonize God. John makes this crystal clear when he defines the world’s sinful cravings as lust, boasting, and wayward desires. In other words, these biblical writers condemn polluted pleasures. The problem is that we take the Bible’s condemnation of the “world” as condemnation of the “earth.” This serious mistake has unfortunate consequences to our souls and our view of life. Much of the “world” stands against God and rebels against him; God created the earth to reveal himself to us and to provide a place where we can enjoy him.

For spiritual health, we have to learn how to enjoy the earth without loving the world. The starkest biblical difference between enjoying the earth without loving the world is that by surrendering to God, we enjoy the earth as God intends it to be enjoyed—according to His design and under His priorities. This has huge implications for the way we look at food, sex, family, and recreation.

The contradiction between the world as prostitute or mother resolves itself in surrendering to God. When God turns my soul toward him, many of the very things that used to lure me away from his presence now become causes of celebration and worship. Where before food might have captured my heart, now it captures only my taste-buds and makes my heart sing for such a generous God. Where before acclaim might have captured my soul, now it humbles me and leaves me standing in awe of such a capable God. Where before family might blind me to the eternal, now it gives me a picture of what it means to be part of his heavenly kin. While earthly pleasures aren’t ends in themselves, they can effectively serve as signposts to God and doorways to gratitude and spiritual intimacy.

Under the “world as prostitute” system, you have no room to enjoy or find new strength in God-given pleasure. What a healthy person would call “taking care of yourself,” you’ll call pampering and self-indulgence, driving yourself until you break down. Instead of thanking God for showing his love by providing you with delicious food for your enjoyment, you’ll feel like a glutton if you take the time to actually taste the food. Rather than reveling in the pleasure of getting a massage, the fellowship of playing a round of golf with your buddies, or the relaxation of staying home with your spouse and watching an old movie, you’ll despise all these experiences as somehow “beneath” you and as unworthy distractions for someone as important and committed as yourself—after all, you could be saving the world or sitting inside a church.

May I reintroduce you to the wonder of enjoying the earth in a healthy and godly way without loving the world?

I grew up thinking pleasure was the problem. Now, I believe when it comes to spiritual growth that pleasure is part of the solution. This thinking was so revolutionary for me I ended up writing an entire book on it: Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling So Good?

I want to spend some blog posts exploring this theme, but before I do, help me out with where all of you are. Please share in the comments below whether you also have struggled with learning to “enjoy the earth without loving the world.” Has accepting pleasure been a challenge for you? Or do you think you’ve fallen off the other end and become over-pleasured? Let’s start a conversation.

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